A Reader Writes…
My husband and I have been together for 9 years, married for 3 and have two children under the age of 5. We had been having problems but weren’t really addressing them properly even though we both said we wanted to save the marriage and are still very much in love.
From watching your video clip together it seems that he fits into parts of three different categories, Accidental, Cry for Help and Self Medicating.
Basically, it has been two months since I discovered the affair. He had already ended it by the time I found out. It ended badly and he didn’t do it very well. He doesn’t like hurting people and led her on quite a bit with no intention of ever doing anything about it. I have since read emails and texts which actually show she pursued him and his ego was being massaged quite a bit. He never wanted me to find out as he had chalked it up to a huge mistake, realised it was me he wanted but she had already told mutual friends and it got messy very quickly.
Anyway, after the initial ‘I want a divorce” arguments from my end I quickly realised that what we have is definitely worth saving. My question is about my emotions regarding all of this. At first I would go from total devastation to being the most turned on I have ever been and having the best sex we have ever had to being totally devastated pretty much straight afterwards. This went on for a couple of weeks and now I just feel kind of flat. I almost miss the extremes of emotions because although the lows were horrendous the highs were incredible.
He is doing everything right. Lots of affection, loads of texts during the day. We have both closed our Facebook and Twitter accounts and he has changed his email address. He gives me constant reassurance and has given me no reason whatsoever to doubt his intentions to make this better.
Due to problems I had recovering from the birth of our second child we hadn’t been having sex as frequently but sex has always been amazing and it’s the one place where no matter what is going on in our relationship we can connect with each other.
However, now I just feel a bit numb to it all. I don’t know whether I am afraid to let go of our marriage, afraid to let him in again or just letting my own insecurities get the better of me. It’s almost like I want to let him in, start to do so then panic and push him away.
I would just really like to know if what I am feeling is normal? Thank you and I truly hope that I can be providing you with a positive update based on following the guidance in your book.
Andrew Replies…
You ask ‘Am I Normal?’ I can assure you that it is incredibly common to crave connection with your partner after infidelity? After all, we long most for what we don’t have (or are frightened of losing).
It is also very common to have a low after the sex as all your more complicated feelings come up to surface. So my answer to ‘Am I Normal?’ again would be YES. What would happen if you named the feelings first to yourself and then to your husband after sex.
For example: ‘I’m feeling low’ or ‘I’m frightened’ (no need to explain why). My guess he will hold you, stroke you and rock you back and forth. (If he doesn’t please tell him that this will help.)
The main part of How Can I Ever Trust You Again? is identifying problems between you that were not being adequately addressed before the infidelity. You’ve given an important clue about the birth of your second child. I can’t tell you how often couples identify this moment as the point where their marriage went down hill.
So if you’re asking ‘Am I normal?’ here, my answer would be YES once again. I’ve even written a section about second child syndrome in my new book I Love You but You Always Put Me Last. I also explain how to remain lovers as well as parents.
