A Reader Writes…
I read Make Love Like a Prairie Vole and found lots of food for thought in it. However, I still have a problem, which I’m not sure how to address.
My wife and I have been happily married for 36 years. We’ve always been sexually active, though obviously, family life intervened at various points and made this more difficult. Overall, though, I doubt we’ve gone much longer than a week or two without making love during all the time we’ve been together.
The trouble is, what we do – or don’t do. We both prefer to keep lovemaking simple – no toys, no fantasy, no stimulants; and we both enjoy intercourse enormously. The problem is, that’s all my wife wants to do; and she’s usually impatient for it to happen, at the expense of anything else. Our sexual repertoire was never that extensive, but now it’s shrunk even more. Although it’s not my preference, I’m perfectly content to forego foreplay and put the emphasis on intercourse; but I draw the line at no more oral sex!
Mutual oral sex was a part of our lovemaking from a few weeks after we met until about five years ago. At my wife’s request, later insistence, fellatio was dropped first, followed by cunnilingus. She claimed she had never enjoyed either practice, finding them both “disgusting”. We’ve communicated on this subject to excess; now, raising the issue seems to provoke major disharmony. We’re probably communicating badly; because each time it seems we’re drawing up battle lines from the start. Although we love each other dearly, and are still massively attracted to each other sexually, my wife has said more than once she would rather split up than restart oral sex. For my part, I have said I can’t imagine spending the rest of my life without it.
We visited a Relate therapist about three years ago and saw her for four sessions. Oral sex was our sole issue. She could suggest nothing; but she agreed the impasse might imperil our marriage.
I should add that I would sooner forego fellatio than cunnilingus, so this is not simply a question of me getting ‘served’. I am a very oral person and it seems somehow hard wired into me to want to kiss and lick my wife’s genitals. My ideal is mutual oral sex, as in soixante-neuf.
The ‘grown up’ response to this would be for me to acknowledge all that is marvellous about our relationship, including frequent and satisfying sex, and accede to my wife’s wishes; but I find I can’t. Instead, I quietly simmer with frustration and occasional, barely contained rage, simply unable to comprehend how two people who have so much in common and share so many tastes should have fallen so badly out of sync on this one issue.
Andrew Replies…
And I’d like to throw another question into the mix: How can two people who obviously love each other so much end up torturing each other so much?
It’s something, I often ask myself after a counselling session where things seem as intractable as in your letter.
We think love, similar interests and looking out for each other will solve everything but we need good communication and eternal vigilance too. I have a picture of the two of you setting off in a rowing boat from Land’s End heading off to America. It only takes a few degrees in the wrong direction and year by year you’re completely drive off course. Instead of arriving in New York, you land in Novia Scotia.
So what’s been happening? As we get older and settle more into our sexuality and become more confident, we learn what we like and what we don’t like. It doesn’t matter that we did it for years as a twenty-something it’s just not us. Unfortunately, you’ve not been able to talk properly about this issue—and possibly others too—because the hurly-burly of everyday life and getting on so well means that you don’t really stop and sort something out.
After all, the next day, everything seems OK or there’s another distraction—perhaps friends come round—and the moment to talk is lost and it seems counter-productive to bring it up. So month by month, year by year, you get out of sync with each other and it’s not because you don’t love each other enough but because you don’t want to rock the boat (and therefore it goes off course).
So what do we do about your frustration and rage because it goes without saying this is not going to make for a fellatio filled marriage? I also wonder if one of the reasons why your wife is seemingly against cunnilingus is that she’s frightened that—apologies for the weird metaphor—if you have earned enough green shield stamps that you will cash them in with a blow job. So basically, she would prefer to receive no oral sex—particularly given grudgingly or with string attached—than feel ‘obliged’ to reciprocate.
So if I was seeing you, I would ask to take fellatio off the menu—probably for the next six months—and for you to apologise for making her so miserable over this subject. (The Relate sessions sound horrible. I can’t imagine why anyone let you talk for four sessions about just oral sex and not investigate the rest of your marriage and ‘she agreed the impasse might imperil our marriage’ sounds like you issued a threat at the end of the sessions: ‘If you don’t give me oral sex, I’ll find someone who will’ and got the therapist to agree with you. Maybe I’m exaggerating but I bet that’s how your wife saw it.)
Next, I would want to sympathise with you—it must be horrible to keep feeling rejected—and help you understand your disappointment better? Why has this become so important? How come your self-esteem has become tied up with it? Why does the fantasy of soixante-neuf sex become so powerful and why will you risk everything to make it come true?
I suppose what I’m saying is that I wonder if a whole lot of unconnected stuff has got bundled into this area too. Perhaps if these areas were attended to, oral sex would be less contentious and therefore easier to give. It would also be easier to accept that your wife will most probably only give it on high days and holidays – but my guess is that will be enough.
So I would work on your communication—rather than your sex life—and read Resolve Your Differences and Help Your Partner Say Yes and meanwhile look at yourself by reading Learn to Love Yourself Enough. With oral sex off the menu and being able to work as a team, you would be also be ready to do some of the exercises in ‘Make Love Like a prairie Vole and improve the rest of your love-making.
Vispilii says
One of the most feminine things women do if they are in love is to try to please their partner. If your wife is so adamant about denying an activity as natural and erotic as oral sex, I would very seriously review any assumptions you made about how much she loves you or how much she is sexually attracted to you. This sounds very much like someone who has lost all passion for a man and / or like someone who is having hormonal problems… Did you have no experience prior to meeting your wife ? 9 girls out of 10 would do these things even if they even remotely like the guy.
I’ve never heard of a woman who is in love and sexually attracted to a man, and then would go on to say “she would rather split up than engage in any kind of oral sex”. Something is totally a miss in this picture.
Andrew G. Marshall says
Thanks for your comments. There can be lots of reasons why a woman (or a man) does not enjoy oral sex – rather than not loving their partner. For example, I’ve counselled women who felt pressurised into giving it by a previous partner and the experience turned them off. Perhaps the man was selfish and hurt the woman or even became abusive. That could easily be what is missing in this picture.
Karma says
It has nothing to do with her not loving him or being attracted. There are many reasons women don’t want to do it. No one should be pressured into it or told that if you loved them you’d do it. We are normalizing blowjobs over sex and it’s ruining intimate sex and just objectifying women and it’s not right.
moms says
Yea…god forbid a woman do something for her man…nevermind im busting my ass all the time and dealing with and fixing everything, you understand men find their self worth in jobs and how well their spouse loves them? But naw fuck doing anything for me right? because shes got hang ups? I got fucking hang ups about going to work and fucking never habing free time, just fucking do something for me I really want. Like wtf or you know what find you one them pussy ass in their feelings men and see how well he fixes everything and makes sure youre safe and how good his limp lil incense sniffin, natural oil wearin, beard faced fuck dicks you down. Fuck out of here.
Andrew G. Marshall says
You message shows how strongly you and other men feel on this subject. It is OK to be angry but it stops you communicating effectively with your wife and makes her even less likely to offer oral sex. What would happen if the two of you talked calmly about the topic and not just for three minutes…. more like an hour or even three hours. i wonder how the topic would look then when you have both listened to each other.
Philip Johns says
My wife and I have been together for over a year and been married for 10 months. She had some bad experiences with giving blowjobs about five years ago with an ex who basically forced her when she was already doing it. That has since left her with some emotional scars and as a result has absolutely refused to perform them on me since day one. I have been in relationships where I received it on multiple occasions and can attest that is one of the most incredibly satisfying experiences and sensations, not to mention the yet vulnerability of allowing someone to access that very sensitive part of myself.
It has now been over 18 months since I’ve received a blowjob and I find myself resenting my wife for being unwilling to fulfill such a deep need and desire.
It’s not like I am unwilling to reciprocate. I have told her on multiple occasions that if she would just make sure that she’s freshly clean and recently shaven, or even waxed, I would be happy to go down on her. I know that she really enjoys it, but I have no interest in having her pubic hair or the taste of her sour vagina in my mouth.
Every single time that she’s ever put it in her mouth I’ve always made sure that I am very clean and trimmed down there, but it has now been more than two or three months since she’s even done that.
I really feel like this is actually a deal breaker for me. I do my absolute best to fulfil her sexually and attend to her needs before I even attempt at mine. I take care of her in every single way that I know how. I the her in days. I genuinely compliment her and provide her with the most happy life, and I love her very much, but she seems to be very selfish when it comes to the bedroom and even hesitates to give me handjobs when she’s on her period unless I ask.
I need some help
Andrew G. Marshall says
I’m a man. So I understand the pleasures of receiving oral sex and your frustration. However, I am concerned about the lack of empathy for your wife. She was abused but you have down graded this as ‘some emotional scars’ and you’re asking her to relive her trauma by performing oral sex again (and it doesn’t matter how trimmed and clean you are!). So yes, you need help but I think it is about how to communicate effectively… because language like ‘deal breaker’ and calling her ‘very selfish’ will put her back up. I expect you’re angry with me at the moment so you’ll probably not being very receptive… However, I would recommend that you booked an appointment with a female sex therapist. Read her the post and that I thought it would help you to understand how this comes across to a woman. Hopefully, she will help you see things from your wife’s perspective a little, give you the language to recruit your wife to go into therapy together as I’m sure with some love, kindness and lots of patience, the two of you can learn to enjoy oral sex together.
Steve says
Divorce her before you have children.
Hurry up and wait says
Read a few comments. What im getting out of it is basically nothing will change. You want to be married? Hurry up and please your wife and stop complaining. Thanks for clearing that up.
Andrew G. Marshall says
I don’t know where you got that conclusion. I believe in change. But it’s best achieved by working as a team…. Of course trying to please is part of that, along with negotiating. Making them angry seldom builds team work.
Hurry up and wait says
This morning while cuddling and rubbing each others backs i say, “baby, i need you” she says, “baby im tired” which is a normal response at 8 in the morning its early. But i say, “no baby, “i need some head” silence for about a minute. Then she says, “before you go to work will you put some antifreeze in my car”
Andrew G. Marshall says
Perhaps it would be better to talk about this when she is not tired and you’re not horny.
Wyatt says
Andrew, from the comments and your answers..one the above posters said his wife was traumatized from her ex basically he was forcing her, he was probably forcing her because she was such a LAZY ,girl, that “just doesnt want to do it because she dont have to, or because she probably says im tired, im tired, not now BS excuse” like every woman ive been with in long term relationships they all say the same thing. Its all good in the very beginning, then after a year it goes downhill. They get too comfortable in a bad way. I call it just plain laziness. I think the whole communicating is just BS. I mean how much more communicating am I supposed to do, and oh, ive asked my wife when she wasnt tired and I wasnt horny also as you mentioned to another poster above. She just came up with the whole im too tired or she just says ” I dont know “. Basically ive come to the conclusion that, the women that do this are just immature, lazy and selfish. They dont truly know how to take care of their man when it comes to this.
Anyways heres a short story to end this… so I started talking to this other younger girl, my wife found our texts, she freaked out, crying and all. After the dust had cleared we talked. And talked. I told her why I did it. I told my wife ” you dont show me hardly any attention, you spend more time with your friends than you do with me, you go to the club and all this but you hardly ever want to do anything when I ask you, your answer is always usually, No…No…No.”
So she said she wanted to start over, clean slate and all that, and she sounded serious, I agreed. She said she would work on things. So she did start trying then, I could tell a difference, finally gave me oral, and the sex rushed in more after this happened because she thought she was going to lose me to a much younger 24 year old girl (wife is 35). So fast forward about 2 months later or so and now its back to the same thing. She has fallen into her same old groove. The lazy, selfish, immature girl. They wont change, no matter how much “communicating” you do is going to change anything, talk is cheap. Its the actions that matter. So either you just live with the problem, or you leave it. IMO.
Oh, and I do clean the house more than her, keep up with maintaining the house, no we dont have any babies, we both have 9 year old kids, I take care of the cars fixing them myself and maintaining them, I work a full time job 10 hr days at a school. My hygiene is great, so you can rule all those thing out.
She works full time at a daycare 10hr days. And thats all she basically does…..washes a load of clothes every once in a while, and cleans the bathroom when she feels like it. Other than that its club time for her on the weekend or hanging with her girl friend.
Guess I shouldnt have rushed into this marriage…
Anon says
I’m in the same boat as well. My fiancé and I get married this month. Oral sex has been something of a soft spot since the beginning of our relationship. I’ve always been comfortable with giving another the pleasure of oral sex, including previous partners which my fiancé is aware of. She had yet to have any sort of sexual partner before me which understandably led to her feelings of inadequacy and that she might not measure up to partners in my past. I communicated that I understood where she was coming from and tabled the topic after she communicated that she would work on it and I communicated I would pressure the topic. I knew the issue was too personal and deep to put pressure on so I did what I thought would be most beneficial for both of us and remained patient while trying to see her point of view. Years have gone by now and it feels more like she wants to hold on to her feelings of inadequacy than work on embracing the love we share. Almost as if her inadequacy is more familiar and she’d rather stay somewhere painful yet familiar/safe than possibly better and unfamiliar. Patience has grown thin on my part and as others on this thread have also commented, I feel resentment brewing. I know the mutual pleasure of both parties fully enveloping themselves in one another’s love and I want that so badly with the woman I love, the woman I want to spend my life with. But I can’t crack her solidarity. Not with patience, understanding or my attempts at communication. Defensiveness arises every time. I’ve examined myself and found at times it is a selfish pursuit more born of desire than my love for her so I understand I have blame in this. Even so, my feelings, my need even, to truly connect with her in that way seems so natural and foundational it makes me consider if something might be off. Would love to hear your thoughts on this.
Andrew G. Marshall says
I think the two of you need someone to help you understand each other and break the deadlock. I would suggest a marital or sex therapist because it has reached the point where this is undermining your love for each other. Put it as ‘I need to understand your point of view’ and ‘It would stop me feeling resentful if you understood mine’. The immediate reaction will be ‘it is too private’ but ask her to think about it because you don’t want to get married with this unresolved.
Steve says
My wife hasn’t sucked my dick in 5 or 6 years. She claims to have a medical condition (TMJ) that causes her pain to have her mouth open for any extended period of time. So I did a basic internet research on the condition and found out that it’s easily treated. All she needed to do was go to the doctor. I called her out on her bullshit. She has since pretty much shut down sexually. We have three children, and as soon as the youngest turns 18 I’m filing for divorce. But in the meantime, I visit a prostitute. Problem solved.
TimTom says
So your answer is “poor wifey” needs his sympathy and he has to accept that he’ll never get oral because she doesn’t ” feel like it”.
Why is every marriage counseling site constantly finding fault in the husband while defending the wife?
He is feeling sexual unsatisfied and your advise is to suck it up and make sure her life is perfect at the expense of your own.
She takes you for granted and obviously doesn’t care about your needs or desires. Dump her ass.
Andrew G. Marshall says
I am trained to see both sides. So it is poor wifey and poor husband! I am more interested in building bridges than blowing them up.
You Suck says
Andrew for a marital therapist, meaning you have the best interest of a relationship as a whole both wife and husband, you don’t sound like you have any husbands’ best interest in mind. Your advice is flat out sympathetic to the wife and to her needs only. How do you claim to be a relationship therapist? Go counsel women. You’re horrible.
Rob Smith says
So…just like always, the man is in the wrong for wanting something more. I would hate for any woman to have to do something that her husband or significant other enjoys. Heaven forbid. I’m sure the roles would be reversed completely if this subject came from a woman. We as men should communicate, only about things that do not involve something that we want want or that is important to us. Everyone thinks that it’s all about sex…or oral sex. Its the closeness and intimacy of that act that many men long for, or at least in my case. It is the most personal and intimate thing you can do for your spouse. That is what it’s about.
Andrew G. Marshall says
Funny how this splits down gender lines. The women say it is the man’s fault and the men say it’s the woman’s. What I am trying to suggest is that both partners move beyond attacking each other and getting angry with each other.
Anton Tundis says
This is a classic bait and switch. With feelings this strong she knew from day one that oral would stop, she just bought her time until you were fully invested. This will not be the only thing that she will change going forward. You need to end this relationship now. Your frustration will get much worse.
Bret9 says
You say communication. But I didn’t need no communication to get the great blowjobs at the beginning. I just feel if u see my imperfections to stop giving oral. That’s petty. I see her imperfections too but doesn’t stop from me desiring her or going down on her.
Truth says
Andrew, I am glad you are still defending yourself in these comments in late 2018, because after reading the article and most of the comments I really have to agree with TimTom, Rob Smith, and the many others that find your suggestions to be poor. What these guys need are success stories that they can look to as examples of how to move into having more oral sex. The “answers” they are getting seem to be just “shut up and stop complaining.” How about some real advice?
Andrew G. Marshall says
I don’t know where you got the idea that I thought you should ‘shut up and stop complaining’. I would never suggest that. It just bottles up resentment and it sneaks out in all sorts of destructive ways. So you want some success stories…. I have worked with lots of couples who have improved their love lives and increased the amount of oral sex. However, when there is a controversial issue, which is seems like oral sex is for both you and these other guys, I suggest pulling back and putting the issue into context. Often we find it is not JUST about oral sex but lots of other issues too. Once we understand that problem, we can move forward. The problem often is that women say ‘how can we have sex if we are not close’ and men say ‘how can we be close if we’re having sex’. Both want intimacy and connection, my job is helping them find it. So my advice remains ‘listen’ and ‘ask question’ and ‘understand’. Next hear her suggestions for what would make oral sex more likely. Be open and curious. there is no one magic way to get more oral sex, every woman is different.
Graham says
Hi,
I came across this post as I’m in a similar boat. I don’t know what to do. I’m 38 and have been with my wife for 18 years. Prior to her, I had little to no experience as I came from a split messed up family and struggled meeting people. 18 years down the line its eating me up as I’ve gone for the last 17 years without oral. I know she use to do it with previous partners as she was very experienced when we met and I just keep thinking ‘whats wrong with me’. I did raise this with her and the response has been positive, although she came up with some excuse that I told her I didn’t like it? Really?
Oral has made its way into our love making on both parts but I’m still feeling rejected, upset and hurt by the fact she doesn’t, and without sounding crude or demanding, take it all the way to completion. Again, I know she’d done this with other men and has never with me. Its becoming a common place I visit in my head to think there are men out there who have had the pleasure of my wife taking them to completion and she wont with me. It really hurts. I think this is more compounded by the fact I’ve never experienced this. It belittles me as a man and I hate the thought that this is something I’m never going to experience. I’ve said all this to her and she says she does’nt like that part and I’m made to feel like I’m forcing her to do something she doesn’t want to and I know thats not fair. I just don’t know which way to turn. I can’t bear these thoughts anymore, I love her so much, I’d never cheat, I feel hurt and unloved. Am I selfish? Is it to much to expect?
Andrew G. Marshall says
First of all, you have a good tone in your message. A lot of men in this strand talk in a way that is guaranteed to turn this topic into a battlefield with their wives. Secondly, you have made great progress and you are having oral sex. I think that is down to your sensitivity and that your wife has been listening to you. So far so good…. but then we have a leap. She does like the idea of you ejaculating in her mouth and that suddenly is translated into I feel unloved. So what are you feelings about? Jealousy that she has done this in the past? If that is the problem, I expect she did it because she felt pressured and the experience felt her feeling angry and upset. Strange to be jealous of something like this… I doubt she loved this men (and that’s why she did it), I expect it is because she felt pressured and bullied (and ended the relationship soon afterwards). She is giving you oral sex and going as far as she can because she loves you and wants to please you. Thirdly, although oral sex to completion is nice it is not worth ruining your marriage over.
Richard says
If u already have communication and your happy together , with both on the same page that there happy with one another and the male wants and likes oral sec the women should address her husband needs. And the husband as well.
Jordan West says
Horrible advice! How come his self esteem is wrapped up in it? HIS WIFE THINKS HIS DICK IS GROSS, THAT’S WHY! Imagine if he never wanted to touch her boobs because he thought it was gross, should she just get over it?
Andrew G. Marshall says
It is fascinating how quickly this debate polarises. How can it be ‘horrible advice’ to listen to someone you love and try and find a way forward that seeks to keep both husband and wife happy?
Brian says
My wife says she doesn’t like to give me head,says she doesn’t like the taste.what can I do to convince her to try again
Andrew G. Marshall says
First of all make certain that you are really clean and then you could play a game together….. what tastes nice on my penis. You could try honey, whipped cream and other sweet things. It might lower the tension and help you have a little fun. You could also smear her with food stuff and lick it off too.
Mike Steele says
I appreciate your efforts Dr., I really do. But your advice is largely misguided. Speaking only for myself, if she does not want to, she won’t. There is no negotiating desire.
I too can speak to the efforts that fall by the wayside. IF someone is lucky enough to have a wife who is willing to try, she will, almost always, fall back into the old routines and habits. We do what we know.
My wife simply will not discuss or engage the issues. She simply will not. She went to a counselor once and never went back. “It made me want to throw up” is an exact quote. I simply cannot deal with that. There are no alternatives if one is unwilling to try or communicate, and that is far more frequent than anyone wants to admit, by both husband and wife. If one is unwilling to engage, there is no place left for the other to stand; no safe spot.
Far more needs to be written about that than anything else. If you fail to engage, if you fail to address the problem, your options are limited, almost always failure or misery.
Thanks Doc, keep the faith.
Andrew G. Marshall says
As you say if you don’t address the problem it lead to failure and misery. So I would suggest going TOGETHER to see a couple therapist who can help you negotiate together. Is it possible to find a solution that keeps both of you happy? If it isn’t is there a future for your relationship? It is probably better to negotiate now than at some point in the future when, for example, you have been caught having an affair and any remaining good will has been lost.
Erbz says
Wow, the comments are very revealing of the current time we live and the destruction of the male psyche at the hands of these selfish and immature “wives”.
I love women, but I absolutely hate the current state of women’s collective psyche. From 16-25 they will gobble anything and everything willing to pop in thier or near thier mouth to attract a partner. After hes saddled with a relationship it’s a different story.
My wife tried to abstain from oral but I have been committed to keeping it active in our relationship even though she refuses to allow me to give her oral pleasure, I keep trying. However her latest is to wince make horrible faces and cum dodge when I reach climax, which is majorly annoying to me. It becomes a clear insult for a man when a female refuses to swallow and spits the jizz down the drain everytime. Complete and total rejection.
Especially when young women are so open about thier heavy appetite for jizz on social media, I want my wife to please me how young women are pleasing millions of men today. I dont even want my ass ate.
I am trying to train her but damn these women are strong willed in thier fight against wide open mouth with tongue extended big load taking activities after marriage.
Andrew G. Marshall says
What do you think these posts say about husbands? Do they come across as mature or immature? What do they say about the destruction of the female ego?
Jesse says
I need some help so I been married for allmost 2 yrs now she has an total given me 2 blowjobs she keeps refusing it just saying she don’t like it but I go down on her,it seems it’s an one way street not an 2 way street I am also the only guy she has done anything sexual too I just don’t get it that she don’t want to make me happy!the other night she told me she never ever do it again I trying to stay faithful to her but it’s honestly kills me on the inside and out I just don’t know what to do anymore!
Andrew G. Marshall says
The two of you need to have a proper conversation. She needs to understand how much it means to you. You need to understand her problems. A trained sex therapist could help you find a way forward where both of you will feel loved and respected.
mike says
Well in a similar boat, been married 18 together 20. One day after a session she says “I’m not “giving you oral “anymore, I’ve been doing it for 20 years, I’m retiring.” I laughed it off. 4 months later I haven’t gotten it. So i ask, “no” ask 2 weeks later “not at this time” again “maybe later” Six month I’m really feeling rejected, angry and want revenge. It may sound immature but there has been things I’ve done for the last 20 yrs that i would like to stop. Paying 200 cell phone bill, 200 cable bill, oh how about being faithful. To cap it off i got the famous line of all time, “I love you but not in love with you.” So what should i do cause I’m just about through dealing with this and her attitude. I ready too look elsewhere!!!
Andrew G. Marshall says
It sounds like the two of you have a lot of talking to do. I would be interested to why she is retiring? It sounds like she feels that there is something missing in your relationship (and that’s why she is no longer giving you the gift of oral sex). It sounds like you feel that you have earned the oral sex because of all the things you have paid for. There is a lot of unspoken material between you. I know it will be hard talking about but where you are heading will be even harder. Having an affair, being found out and branded as the guilty party in a divorce.
Chris says
I completely agree lam super hard headed am going trough the same exact thing 15 years in though . Is really hard to accept that you will basically just about never get oral not even on birthdays but always love the one you with if you truly love each other work on loving ea other as much as possible for me is exercise that increases her will to have sex but still not necessarily oral I’ve tried everything some times you have to give up things in life just the way it is life takes and it gives really sad but true wife’s always wins basically
Annonymous says
Sit her down,ask what’s going on with her. If she doesn’t answer you and she’s about to walk away, call her back,tell her how you feel about her decision.
She loves you and cares about how you feel, she wouldn’t want to hurt your feelings.
Lastly tell her how much you miss licking her genitals,touching her genitals and all sorts.
Tell her it won’t be disgusting if you just give each trial and ask her what’s disgusting about it and make it up to her.
mystery says
My problem seems to be an amalgamation of the original question and subsequent readers posts but it is not oral fixated, more general sex issues. My wife was a 20 year old virgin when we met so I put her unwillingness to experiment early on as nervousness and inexperience. I was 5 years older with about 10 years of experience but her shyness and unwillingness to open herself up to me left me taking two or three steps back in trying to show her things I have done, had done to me, etc. Looking back the sexual side of the relationship, which started immediately, (but not full intercourse) was almost half cocked from the off, pardon the expression. I was holding so much back as I was conscious of her inexperience, so we started completely on the wrong foot sex wise. How do you introduce a girl to the things you’ve tried when she didn’t even go nude when we hired a small private island, with just us on it! I just thought she would kick on and grow more sexual, it never happened and of course now we’re in the comfortable marriage lull. What has come quite recently is her telling me she will no longer be doing certain positions, as she has never liked them and made her uncomfortable. I must stress, I’m not talking about the actual position being uncomfortable but the way it made her feel in her mind,? WTF? it was only doggy and with her ankles behind her head. She also gradually phased out oral on me, first by running the toilet to spit, this happened almost overnight, when I told her that was off putting for me and I was happy if she let it run out of her mouth over my penis, she said well actually I have never liked giving you blow jobs so I wont anymore. This of course made me feel wonderful, false memories of a holiday for example when she was on her period and I got one every day! Now no one should expect something if the other person doesn’t like it but I feel there’s something more. No woman is a slave let alone a sex slave but there is something amazing about a woman who loves to please her man. Giving her oral was never my favorite thing but it did become that because I could see the pleasure it gave her and it made me almost explode at times. She still expected it of course, but I stopped it, not tit for tat you understand but more that it was tainted for me, I was with someone who didn’t give a fuck what I wanted sexually and didn’t want to or was able to get any pleasure from giving pleasure. Men place a lot on being intimate, it makes them feel wanted, and I wonder if I am. Who ever unlocks her is in for a treat, the girl always has been and still is a 10, with an unbelievable body. Two kids later, I’m obviously not going anywhere but I am tempted to stray, just for a release.
Andrew G. Marshall says
I think you need to address this before it gets even more toxic. It sounds like both of you are unhappy with your love making but for different reasons. I wonder if she understand what being intimate means to you (and how you interpret certain acts). I expect she has similar thoughts and expectations but because you are not communicating effectively, you are sitting fuming in your own corners. What would happen if you had someone to facilitate a proper discussion – where it was accepted that you were both right and when you’ve heard each other out, found a new and better way to be intimate. There is no reason why you can’t be the man to ‘unlock’ her and she is the woman to unlock something new in you.