Lots of people think that once one partner has fallen out of love that the relationship is over. What’s the point if the feelings have gone?
But I not only believe that it is possible to fall back in love, I have lots of tips on how to make it into a reality.
Andrew’s Facebook Live Event – Can You Fall Back in Love?
In this (my first ever) Facebook live video, I answer the question “can you fall back in love?” and I talk through four important ways of doing just that. I also answer lots of great audience questions.
Your Best Tips to Keep Love Alive
I have been increasing my social media presence and creating a platform where you can share what helps keep love alive in your relationship. We ran a competition to ‘Put the Sparkle into Your Relationship’ – where I gave away a bottle of champagne and a bundle of my books.
Here are some of the best tips:
- Genuinely pay attention when talking. Looking at each other and holding hands. Making a concerted effort to connect – even when he is talking about bikes.
- We’ve banned mobile phones from the dinner table. I think we need to ban them from the bedroom too.
- To have half an hour connection time every day really listening and sharing our day and feelings and also to make a genuine commitment to strive to be the best version of ourselves.
- We call each other in the middle of the work day just to say a Hello and Love you.
- My tip is to make sure you remember to make time for each other, without children or screens getting in the way. Do something you enjoy e.g. have a bath together or put on a film and feed each other chocolate covered strawberries.
- The two times a day we brush our teeth we do it together, every day. We enjoy sharing this activity of brushing in silence and sneaking looks at each other in the mirror.
- There was a distance growing between my husband & I and we both realised we never do anything fun together. So far in 2018 we have been out on 6 fun occasions. Turn phones off and enjoy being together.
- Find a decent baby-sitter!
There is more about how to fall back in love in my book Can We Start Again Please? Twenty Questions to Fall Back in Love.
See me on Facebook for more information about my future Facebook Live events or please subscribe to my regular newsletter.
Am says
Hi Andrew,
I have read three of your books relating to relationship and self-esteem and I found these were very helpful. My husband is having an with his junior mentee at the university since the past 5 months and when I discovered he refused to stop the relationship and said that he really loves his affair partner and he has little love for me. He also mentioned that he has great communication level with her, which was the problem he has with me (of course other than sex and romance which he claims that he doesn’t get from me). Now he stays with her at least three days a week (the remaining days are at home). We have two children (12 and 15), he also said that the kids are big enough and don’t need him anymore.
The affair partner has a 5 year old daughter. He has been investing in the affair partner (I discovered he helped with her moving house process, purchased bed and mattress, kitchen equipment (and I suspect he also purchased some other stuffs), despite the claim that the affair partner doesnt need his money – reason why he mentioned that he became broke nowadays. He also mentioned that he will marry her, despite he initially said that he is not going to divorce me, but if I cannot live with this, he is happy to let me go (divorce me).
Once I have asked for a temporary separation to give him full freedom and space to think, as I thought it may help him reflect on himself and our marriage. He refused somehow, and said that he wanted to stay for 4 days at home until my first son finishes his GCSE exam, then after that, he will come every weekend. We have married for 17 years and knew each other for about 20 years now in total.
When he is with his affair partner, he would just keep himself out of the radar, no contact with me and the kids. I however, do not want to be seen as desperate and therefore, I don’t contact him either. I gave him all the space, and told him I am not going to let him destroy my happiness, if he decides to leave, I am happy for him to do that, because he is no longer the reason for me to live.
Until now, he never clearly say that he is willing to give up with his affair and work on our marriage, although at some point he did mention about being sorry for this mess and appreciation for my patience. Admittedly, over the past few weeks he seemed to be nice to me and tried to connect, although he never mentioned that he loves me anymore. Likewise, I do my normal chores at home and treat him as usual. We talk as normal, watch tv, and movies with the kids. We tried to make love, but for some reasons he just could not reach his ejaculation – I dont know if this is caused by the fact that his sexual attaction towards me has declined or gone because of his intimacy with his affair partner (he did mention that the affair partner is very good in bed, something that a good husband will not tell the wife). And I am also aware that he is still in close contact with his affair partner.
Recently, he was also angry when I said some other men would appreciate me better than him and he decided to sleep in another room for few weeks. I ignored him completely and let him, but one night he just came back to our bedroom and slept on our bed. Nowadays he cuddle and hug me at night before going to sleep. He also asked me whether I still love him – a question which is very hard for me to answer. Once i used to tell him that, I really hate him for what he has done to me and I dont know when will this hatred be healed. And I dont have that hatred anymore, and I did tell him about this.
The problem now is that, I am getting confused with his attitude. Last few days he made a phone call to the affair partner from our garage and I was not happy at all. I told him to respect the space at home. I suggested that, instead of calling her or continued texting or emailing her when he is at home, he may as well just move in to the affair partner’s house because I feel that he has no respect on me.
I don’t know what I should do, should I leave him and ask for divorce? I cant figure out what exactly he is trying to do – when he shows compassion, I felt like he was doing this to avoid confrontation. At some point, I tried to talk about this matter, but he ignored me and refused to discuss. For your information, we both are professionals (he is a professor and I am a senior lecturer). My questions are: Do you think that he is serious about his affair partner and he really loves her, and that he is committing himself for their next plan? Surely men will be willing to spend money if they have a plan to live with their loved ones.
Please advise me.
Andrew G. Marshall says
He sounds like he is all over the place and you’re probably right is trying to avoid confrontation – because he has no idea what he truly wants. Have a look at ‘It’s not a midlife crisis, it’s an opportunity’ which should give you some idea about what’s going on. See if he will read it too and whether you can have a calm discussion about what next. Don’t leap to the conclusion that this means divorce – which shuts down the conversation – but ask questions which will open him up, rather than close him down…
Cassandra Gallegos says
My husband and I have been together almost 20 years and we have 2 teenage children. My husband started having an emotional affair 10 months ago that became physical 4 months ago. On D day he said he chose me and he would do anything to make it up to me. He broke it off with her that day. That was 2 1/2 weeks ago. Since then he’s told me he isn’t in love with me he is in love with her. I told him it wasn’t her he was in love with it was the affair he loved and it couldn’t work with her if they faced reality. She is also married with 3 small children. Her husband is in the Navy and he is currently deployed. He won’t be home for 5 more months. Also my husband never wanted anymore kids and we are almost to the finish line with ours. Her kids are little and he would be daddy. I told him I didn’t see how any of that could work. He says maybe it could but he wants to be with our family and he’s trying to make it work. He’s afraid the feelings he has for me won’t come back. Everyday i can tell he is grieving their relationship and he said he’s trying to get over her but it’s hard because they see each other at work. I’ve asked him to quit his job or transfer and he refuses. I am the bread winner and we don’t really need his job but he really enjoy what he does. He said he’s sorry he let himself get in so deep and he wants out but I have to give him time. How can I get my husbands love back? We have sex and it is great no issues there but he won’t do certain things with me because he said he did them with her and he needs time before he and I can do those things again. Lastly she also still wants their relationship but has backed off when he told her he still loved me and needed to try and make it work. He said she is cold at work and she hasn’t asked him back. He said he is actually hurt and surprised by this but he said if she did he would say no because he’s trying to get it back with me. He said he would just leave and divorce me if he decided to cheat with her again. I’m afraid because this person is still very present and it sounds like my husband could change his mind about us at anytime. We are getting ready to move but he said he would move with me but he doesn’t want to be on our home loan because if he decides to leave he doesn’t want it to be complicated to get out. He’s also said a lot of other women want him and half of him just wants to go be free and see what single life could be. He said he’s afraid he’s going through a mid life crisis and he’s afraid if he leaves me he will regret it done the road and he won’t be able to get me back. I told him if he leaves me he is never coming back. I told him this is his last chance. If he moves out I will never let him back in. He told me with a smile I could get you back. I made it very clear he wouldn’t even if I wanted to because of all the hurt he would inflict on the kids and I. I would not be able to forgive him. I told him I 100% forgive him now but if he leaves to go be with her or others we are done. Do you think there is chance our marriage is salvageable? Do you think he can love me again? He said I am the girl he’s always wanted me to be but he’s afraid I’ll go back to being cold and mean. He has refused counseling. Said he doesn’t believe in it and we are all we need to fix it. Last piece of info we both lost a parent in the last year and we were both very close to that parent. I feel this has thrown us both off of the cliff. Do you think I can help him fall out of love with the other woman? Thank you for reading this and your response.
Andrew G. Marshall says
Losing a parent is a bit thing. It makes you question everything about your life. It is often a trigger for ‘I love you but I’m not in love with you’ (I have a book on this topic.) It is often also a trigger for a mid-life crisis too. If he won’t go for counselling perhaps he will read ‘It’s not a midlife crisis it’s an opportunity’. Ultimately, this is NOT about the other woman, it is about something much deeper. You can’t change him (ie: help him fall out of love with the other woman) but you can work on changing yourself and understanding why you became ‘cold and mean’ (so you find different ways to communicate).
Cherisa says
My partner dates that he loves me as the mother of our children but that he is not in love with me anymore. He wants to leave to pursue a relationship with a younger woman that he works with. What can I do in this type of situation?
Andrew G. Marshall says
You can listen to him, ask questions and keep calm (even if he says stupid or unrealistic things). Instead of losing it, ask him: how do you think that will work? He will hopefully find the flaws for himself. You can also read up on this situation, think about how you reached this place and what you’d like to do next? (I have several books that will help.) You could also decide that he’s too much in the crazy part of falling in love – limerence (see my book ‘I love you but I’m not in love you) – that’s it not worth wasting your breath and let him get on with ruining his life. There are lots of options – sadly, none of them is easy or particularly nice. I wish you all the best at this difficult time.
Josephine says
My husband says he will always love me but is no longer in love with me. He said he mostly just sees me as a friend. He has completely stopped all physical contact between us. We sleep in the same bed but do not touch. He no longer kisses me hello or goodbye. I have asked tons of probing questions and gotten to the root of things. There are a lot of mistakes I’ve made in how I treated him in the past. For the past 8 months I have noticed him being completely shut down and I’ve had to beg him for sex. When we do have sex it’s fine but he recently told me whenever we would have sex he would feel disgusted afterwards thinking he was “lying to me”.
We have a 2 1/2 year old daughter together and I cannot imagine my life without us being together as a whole family. He believes separation/divorce is the key to his happiness and he cannot picture himself ever truly happy with me. I have taken drastic steps to alter my behavior and attitude so I can be much more pleasant around him but I am so afraid its too late. I am trying to give him time to see the changes and believe there is hope but It’s so painful living like this with no intimacy or love being shown towards me.
Is there any hope for him falling back in love with me?
Andrew G. Marshall says
Your husband is angry and you need to be able to listen to his anger – so it is released – because it is masking all his positive feelings: including love. You can find out more about this in two of my books ‘I love you but I’m not in love with you’ and ‘My husband doesn’t love me anymore (and he’s texting someone else).
Josephine says
Thank you for your reply. I have read “I Love you but I’m not in love with you” and I found it very helpful. My husband saw the book on the counter and seemed interested in the content. He told me if I could find an audio version he would be willing to listen to it.
Andrew G. Marshall says
If you live in the UK or Australia, New Zealand etc – there is an audio version of the book (and it’s read by me). However, it is not available in the US I’m afraid….
Darren Gowland says
My wife is telling me that she hates me for treating her and the kids badly over the years. It is over and there is no way she is changing her mind.
She is still having sex with me but then says that it is wrong because it is giving me hope when there is none. We are living in the same house almost like nothing has happened, sharing the bills, kids, household duties and the same bed.
She has told me that she will be gone by the end of June with the kids and that is not changing.
I have purchased 2 of your books already, and just when I think we are making progress she seems to get angry with me and used the hate word again. This has been like this for 3 weeks. Can you help?
Andrew G. Marshall says
I’m glad that you’ve bought the books and pleased that you’re making progress. I know it sounds weird but it’s a good sign that she is angry and it is good that she hates – much better than just being cold and detached. So when she gets angry or full of hate, don’t try and shut her down. Listen to her. Repeat back the main things she’s said… for example ‘ you are angry that I didn’t come to our son’s nativity play.’ She will probably find other reasons to be angry but take a deep breath, listen and summarise. It is good that it’s all out in the open. You can show her that you love her – even if she is angry – by asking: Is there more? They are perhaps the three most loving words in the world…. because it shows you accept all of her (even the bits that you don’t like). Don’t panic, follow the advice in ‘My wife doesn’t love me any more’ and once the anger has been allowed room to be expressed, the more positive ones will return. But a word of warning, it will take time – more than three weeks – so be patients and don’t lose your nerve…
Natali says
My husband of 17 years has told me he wants a divorce. We have 3 teen/adult children, we don’t argue, fight or disagree much.
There was no indication this was brewing. I can look back and maybe find a few things that would signal trouble, but even those would be stretching it.
I don’t believe he is having an affair. He is home a lot and when he is not home he is working his normal hours. I suppose he could have someone but they would be wildly neglected and probably wouldn’t stick around long.
I asked if we could take some time to try and work it out, but he says no. He has agreed to not proceed until after the start of the new year. He says I have been the perfect wife and he wants no ill will towards me. I am his best friend. He says he just feels our marriage was not built on a solid foundation. He also states that he is can’t be certain that I am not the one he should be with. He said he wouldn’t know that until he was able to explore and see what may be out there.
Our children all know and they don’t really understand but things really are no different.
He does not sleep in our bed, but he does other things like dinner, family gatherings, school events etc together. He agreed to communicate with me but to be honest, I am the one trying to communicate and sometimes I am given flat out silence, he ignores me as if I didn’t say a thing. I just keep moving on. I don’t get angry in front of him. There are some topics we can talk about that he is talkative, things like our kids, family members, events coming up , his job, etc. if it has to do with solely me or if I make a statement or ask a question about let’s say a news story, those topics are given silence.
I feel like he is struggling with his decision. He is losing sleep, I know it’s because I don’t sleep and I can hear him tossing and turning, watching television etc.
I am really confused here and don’t know if this is a game he is playing with my emotions, is he confused, was this just a moment of bad judgment.
I just want to proceed in the best way to keep this marriage together. I am really heart broken and just want my normal back. I love him deeply and just can’t imagine walking this path alone,
Any advice or direction is welcomed.
Andrew G. Marshall says
This sounds like a classic case of ‘I love you but I’m not in love with you.’ Please read the book to understand the full picture…. but not arguing, fighting or disagreeing is a classic sign. Basically, it is positive to argue – it brings issues up to the surface (where they can be sorted) and rows can be passionate too. When couples don’t argue, they tend to suppress their feelings: No point getting upset about that and switch off the unpleasant feelings. However, we can’t chose to only get rid of the nasty ones and end up with all our feelings – even the loving ones – switched off. So what he needs to do is get ANGRY and you will find what is underneath all this. If I had to guess your email address gives a lot away! (It is about being a mother to spoiled children… and I wonder how many compromises – of which you know nothing he has made and just how fed up he is). Sadly, he is too nice and too programmed to please to tell you and he thinks the only solution is to walk away. Read my book together, this post and alternatives to splitting up.
Zuzana says
My husband told me three months ago that he hasn’t been happy for three years and he doesn’t love me anymore. I understand I have been treating him bad over the years and I’m trying to make things better. He now says he resents me. My question is – Can you overcome resentment?
Andrew G. Marshall says
Resentment is often bottled up anger. If he can talk about what he’s angry about, you can listen (without getting defensive) and then discuss how to resolve the current issues, the resentment will slowly ease. But it require a lot of talking and a lot of listening. You might both need help to do this.
Mel says
Hello, I have read most of your books and they have helped but I still feel lost in my situation. Around 4 years ago my husband said he changed and no longer wants to be married to me and has a lot of past resentment. He stared an affair with a co-worked and stared a whole nother life with her and her friends. I found out about the affair and he says it has stopped but she is still a really good friend along with all of her friends(all are older and single for the most part) as well. He keeps that life separate from his family life and none of his family or old friends have meet any of these other people but he has meet most of their families. He will not move out but claims he wants to he just goes and sleeps somewhere else most nights for the past 2 years. He keeps saying he can’t file for divorce unless I agree and go with him and I am holding him hostage since I will not agree. He is still physical with me and we still do family events like holidays like everything is normal. I am just at a loss of what to do anymore and we have 2 boys that I know this effects. I just don’t understand if a person wants out that bad why don’t they do it and how long can you keep up the two lives.
Andrew G. Marshall says
It sounds like he wants the two lives… and I expect there would be other men who would feel the same way. A family with food and warmth and security and fun on the side! The question is not what HE wants but what YOU want. Remember the only person whose life you can control is YOURS – not his. So don’t play happy families. Don’t cook for him and wash his clothes. Go to the solicitor yourself and file for divorce. If you wait for him to act, he will continue as he is because he has no reason to change….
Mark Tripiciano says
Hi Andrew
My wife and I have been married for 15 years and I recently discovered that my wife had an affair which was going for approximately 6 months and we had decided to try and make it work which was going great for about three months and then it went south and she has told me that she is not in love with me and feels like she is living in a fish bowl and sophisticated. I really struggle with trusting her and she has told me that she still has feelings for this man, unfortunately I still am very much in love with my wife.
Andrew G. Marshall says
Sorry to hear about your wife and her affair and understand your reaction to her still ‘having feelings’ for the the other man. However, it is easy to panic and hear ‘I will love him until the end of time’ when it could mean as little as ‘still interested’ or ‘curiosity about how he is doing’ or ‘missing him’. I would be surprised if she had NO feelings for him. It is normal not to trust her. That takes a long time to come – right at the end of the healing process. To understand more about how to heal and rebuild your love again, I suggest reading two of my books ‘How can I ever trust you again’ and ‘My wife doesn’t love me anymore’ – which explain why she became vulnerable to the others man’s attention and how to rebuild your relationship. I am afraid the journey back will take time and you might like to join my support group
Anon says
Hi Andrew
Thanks for your blog and videos. I have read your book “I love you but I am not in love with you”. I heard this statement from my husband a week ago. We have decided to work on it, spending more quality time together, increasing our physical intimacy and having regular catch-ups about how the past two-three weeks have been going.
My questions for you are:
1. Are there certain things we should be doing in our catch-ups to help these flow well and help us reconnect?
2. Do most people manage to reconnect?
3. How long until the loving feelings start coming back?
4. How do I let go of my anger towards him?
5. How do I get him to open up about his feelings?
Thanks
Andrew G. Marshall says
I am glad that you have found my book and blog and video helpful. If you would like another suggestion, please read ‘Wake Up and Change Your Life’ So here are my answers:
1. There is no right or wrong way to rebuild your marriage, discuss together what helps and what doesn’t work. Review from time to time and change it around.
2. If you are patient and do the work and understand what is in the wall between you (rather than ignore things).
3. There is no fixed answer. Everybody is different. It depends on how high the wall and how committed both parties are to facing the difficult feelings (rather than returning to playing nice again). However, I will be honest at a couple of weeks, you are at the beginning of the journey.
4. Don’t let go of your anger. It will keep you honest. However, have your rants to a journal…. in that way you can understand what you are angry about and discuss the issues calmly with your husband.
5. Ask him: what do I do with makes you close up?
Hope this helps. Good luck and patience on your journey
Erica says
thank you for your work.
Stacey says
Please help. Over the last week my husband has told me he’s no longer in love with me ans wants to separate. Hes been distant for a few months which I should have acted on. He said his feelings can’t be changed and he just doesn’t feel that way anymore. We haven’t shouted and argued but have discussed fairly calmly (although emotionally) which to me just shows we are worth fighting for and the love and respect we still have for each other: The main problem has been intimacy and him feeling rejected and I will take full responsibility for being in this situation and for taking him and us for granted. I just want him to give us another chance and just open his mind to the possibility of us being happy again and being in love again and I’m very aware and fully committed to make those changes. He says nothing will change but I’ve really reflected on the last few years and I’m 110% committed to him and this relationship and would never ever be so distant with him again. It’s like I lost my self because I can’t even explain why I wouldn’t be intimate because I fancy the pants of him 15 Years on. I would be so thankful for any advise. Thank you
Andrew G. Marshall says
Have you asked him if there is anyone else involved? Someone who he has been talking to and that he does have feelings for? Distant for a few months. His feelings can’t be changed. He doesn’t feel that way any more. Straight to separation. Sorry that smells more of another woman than I love you but I’m not in love with you.
Patricia J Davidson says
am not sure how to deal with this alien I have survived an aneurism and the change in him since it happened he does not touch me he tells me he is not in love with me anymore he does not come home nights taking up drinking where he cant drive home then goes down the shore for three nights I have asked for a divorce I just want to live my own life and not have to watch this. I do not understand how fast this came on I never thought he would say that to me he is not the person I married and I would be very happy to give him a divorce am not the same how can I move on I am not sure i want to fix this, I have been with this man since I was 21 I got married at 25 now going on 34 years. I know i can survive with out him but it still hurts to have someone say that to you.
Nadia says
Hi Andrew,
I’ve been with my boyfriend for 5 years and although I was head over heels for him in the beginning I’ve found myself feeling out of love.
After learning about attachment styles, I’ve found that he is an avoidant and I’m an anxious which explains the struggles we’ve had over the years. (Me constantly feeling like not being loved enough and him constantly feeling smothered by me and my neediness). In an attempt to be less needy and adjust to him, as well as protect myself from the hurt that his avoidance was causing, I think I started to shut myself out gradually and currently find myself out of love. However, I still really appreciate him and would love to be able to feel in love with him again. I read your book “I love you but I’m not in love with you” several times and I’m trying to apply it to my relationship, but it’s been extremely difficult, since it feels like the caused pain can never leave and left a permanent scar which prevents me from being able to feel. I talked to him and he seems to be willing to make adjustments that would be acceptable for both of us, but I feel very impatient and triggered by the smallest “mistake” he makes or anything that reminds me of the way it used to be. It seems that I’m expecting a complete turnaround in the relationship and nothing less, which is obviously not possible. So I’m wondering why can’t I settle for a middle ground and not be upset by these small annoyances and just have good spirit and faith. I just feel stuck, desperate and confused. I want to ask you if you think that a relationship of this nature can be healed or if I should just move on and find someone with secure attachment.
I’m really looking forward to your answer.
Andrew G. Marshall says
Thanks for your thoughtful question. I explain more about attachment styles (and I suspect your husband is fearful rather than avoidant) in my book ‘Wake Up and Change Your Life’. You’re right adjustments need to be made on both sides and it takes time to learn how to negotiate so you have enough closeness and he does not feel overwhelmed. What is stopping you from being patient and jumping on his mistakes? I wonder if you feel your hurt has been understood and taken on board? (It could be that he has similar feelings and some couple therapy would be beneficial). Finally, I would think a bit more about moving on and solving the problem by finding someone with secure attachment. Sadly in the honeymoon stage of limerence, it is easy to think you have found someone with secure attachment but the high of limerence is carrying you past both your fears. Without working on understanding your past, and how it makes you anxious, there is a danger of thinking another person with fearful attachment and doing the same dance again. My advice would be to try and heal your current relationship – you will either succeed (which is wonderful) or you will learn a lot for the future (which is also wonderful).
PT says
My wife and I have been married for almost twelve years. Last month I had felt something was wrong and she confessed she wanted to leave me. Since then ours lives have been devastated. I still love her no matter what and I have been trying to fix everything and I personally have changed. I have bought your books and read them numerous times. It gave me hope but as we go to counseling and discussed our failures, she feels nothing for me. She says she has been unhappy for 5 years and has second guessed our entire marriage. We are trying to move forward but she is only with me to keep our family together. She has guilt of hurting me and guilt that if she leaves our family will be broken. She is only trusting me to fix it because she has nothing for me. It’s so painful to hear the words that she has no feelings and that she is apathetic to our situation but she is doing what she can to keep us together. She does not know where to start. I gave her the book I love you but I’m not in love with you anymore but it made her angry. She is frustrated that it took me so long to change and turn around and ready to fix. She is frustrated that she can’t do the same. I ask her everyday what can I do to make your day better but she replies with nothing I can do. I do not know what else to do.
Andrew G. Marshall says
It is good that she is angry. Listen to her. Ask her questions. Sometimes, the negative feelings come out before the positive ones. This will be tough for you (and her, because she has probably been taught that anger is not acceptable). I know it is tough that she is only staying for the children – but that gives you time to build something better. So please don’t be downhearted. It could be that you will need more support than my books. Think about some couple counselling. If you can’t find a local one, I have a team who offer skype work.
Njc says
I’ve read My Husband Doesn’t Love Me and He’s Texting Someone Else. We’ve been married for 22 yrs. I was happy and I thought he was too. He told me shortly after the New Year (2019) that he didn’t love me anymore and moved out. I was devastated. I finally calmed down and found your book. But he refuses to talk about our relationship, we spend time as a family (we have 2 teenagers) and only discuss unimportant matters. I’m patient and keep rereading your book to focus. We have continued to sleep together (at his new place) and for me this is sharing my love and feelings, since we’re not allowed to talk about our feelings. We recently have been spending a lot of time together ( about 4 days a week) at his insistence. But today I found out he’s been going on dates, completely blind siding me. He said he wants me to find someone who won’t hurt me…I’m shattered. I don’t know what else to do. I’ve been seeing a marriage counselor by myself because he doesn’t have the time. I’ve done everything that I can from the book, but he’s moving on. By the way he made love to me yesterday and told me today to find someone else.
Andrew G. Marshall says
I am sorry to hear what happened. It must have been very tough to hear – especially after you made yourself so vulnerable to him. It sounds like is deep into his problems and is sinking deeper and depper into them. It’s not fault. Be proud of all you did to save your marriage, take the learning and you will be moving on stronger than before.
Nadia says
Hi Andrew, I’m back here almost a year later. I wanted to share that I’m still with my partner and I’ve seen some amazing changes on his side. I feel truly loved and understood by him. I think his attachment style definitely shifted toward secure in the last years and this really started showing in the relationship. However, there is one thing I’m still struggling with, and that is the past. The memories of us not getting along and me being sad a lot of the time keep me stuck and lost. I find myself thinking about that a lot and getting the feelings that I used to get back then (feelings of despair, isolation, sadness, anger are coming back from my memories and I project them on the present). They keep me so stuck. I sometimes wonder if this is fear that things might go back to where they were? Or maybe I’m just not used to being happy. I also worry that because we don’t have the greatest foundation (the previous years were quite hard) we don’t stand a real chance at our relationship. I worry what will happen in the years in front of us. I do obsess quite a lot about this and get panic attacks. This makes me so sad and hopeless. I really want to let go and enjoy what we have now, because it’s pretty much everything I ever wanted. Can you please suggest anything I can do to help myself with this?
Andrew G. Marshall says
I would like you to listen to your feelings – rather than push them away because this is what makes them come back stronger and more determined to be heard. There is nothing wrong with fear. It is a normal human emotion. I’d like you to work through the programme in my book ‘Wake Up and Change Your Life’. I think it will help you understand yourself and make peace with the past. You have come a long way and that’s good. It just shows what is possible.
Jenny says
Hello,
My husband and I have not been together very long. In June he told me he’d been unhappy for a while and that he doesn’t love me anymore – but that he thought it would be possible to love me again and for us to keep trying. I admittedly did everything wrong – I panicked, I pushed, I debated. But he still indicated he was loving me again and in September said he never wanted to leave.
However, there’s been someone else that whole time. I’ve technically known about it since that day in June but he spent the summer promising she was nothing to him. At the beginning of this month, I found them leaving a restaurant together. He turned so cold – into an incredible liar – and said he was moving out that night. His plans fell through and he’s been here ever since.
We went to one counseling session – the counsellor told him it’s possible for two people to fall back in love if they want it. He said he didn’t think he wanted to, the new woman was wonderful, in his heart of hearts he knew we were done. He expressed that same sentiment the next week when he told me he’d never want to be with me again – even if it doesn’t work out with the other woman.
The other woman, by the way, is a coworker and 12 years younger – and this is her second married man.
Anyway – he claims she’s The One and that he loves everything about her. He has incredibly low self-esteem, though, so keeps claiming he doesn’t think it’ll last long.
Last weekend we had an amazing day together. I no longer felt like there was hope but I wanted nice time with him before we move out. He told me that morning he’s feelings are constantly changing. Right now he wants her to be the big romance of his life – but he’s not saying he doesn’t want me not to be. He said the only thing he knows for sure is he can’t picture not speaking to me every day and that we should have hope (ironically he’s barely responding to my messages now).
He has now been claiming all week he’s confused. I don’t know that I believe that. He said he wants her and doesn’t want to break up with her – but “that’s not a decision.” We spoke on the phone on Thursday and he said he can’t say either way what he wants to do but “If I decide to be with her – if that happens, I will tell you in person.” But all weekend he’s barely responded to me. But he also claims when he’s back tomorrow he doesn’t have anything ready to tell me.
Is his confusion real? Is it normal to get caught and stand by the OW to then question if he wants to go? Is it true love with her or just infatuation? He admits she won’t love him as well as I have. He said he never wanted to give me false hope but now I’m sitting here waiting for the shoe to drop because I do not believe there is anyway he’s going to stay. Even though the timeline of all of this makes no sense. He said last Saturday that days like that make him tempted to stay but the rest of the time he feels toxic. He’s made several comments that even if he wanted to come back he’s made too big a mess – which I think is actually my call. He also brought up the counsellor and how love ebbs and flows and can be brought back. I said yes if both people want it – “I don’t know if I do.” He’s also made the comment that he may feel differently in “six months, three months, two weeks” several times.
Please help. One counsellor said there’s hope, another said no way. Our marriage is young and I know what I did to contribute to our problems but I really don’t think this needs to be the end. He’s my guy.
Andrew G. Marshall says
What a horrible mess. One minute he say one thing and the next it’s the opposite. He changes his mind every ten seconds. Welcome to the affair club. Possibly the worst one club in the world. Is he confused? Yes. What does he want? He has no idea. Basically, he has a deep down problem. You give us a glimpse when you says he has low self-esteem (and nothing for him will turn out right). It will gho back to his childhood. Instead of looking at these deeper psychological problems – he is trying to find a quick solution. Love will save the day. It is a bit like having a broken leg and trying to fix it with a glass of whiskey. Impossible but it make him feel better for a whole seconds. The alcohol wears off and perhaps you are the solution after all. The other woman – who sounds equally broken – phones up with the offer of another whiskey and he so wants to believe this is the solution, he goes through the whole cycle again. I doubt he is ready to look further than the end of his nose but that doesn’t stop you facing the facts. Read by book ‘Why did I cheat’. It will help you understand his mindset and realise it is NOT about you. have a look at my book ‘I love you but I’m not in love with you’. Is there hope? Of course, but be very ceratin this is not a quick fix (that’s his mistake!)