Andrew G. Marshall

Author & Marital Therapist

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Can’t Get over Partner’s Affair

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Photo by: Andrew Revitt

Five techniques for getting unstuck when you can’t get over partner’s affair

All the advice in books and on-line is for coping with the initial shock and fallout from discovering an affair, but what if you’re further down the line – at least as far as time is concerned – but you’re still no further forward recovering? On your dark days, you fear you can never get over partner’s affair:

It is now one and a half years after I found out about my husbands infidelity. On the surface everything is normal again, but I am still struggling with the pain and flashbacks and mistrust. We worked very hard on our relationship and had good times again. But now I feel a kind of setback. Sometimes I even have the feeling that I have lost the love I felt for my husband. I feel so exhausted after thinking and talking about the affair every day for such a long time, I feel stuck. Is there a way out? Do you have any other advice?

Don’t despair. I have plenty of advice when you can’t get over partner’s affair as a significant proportion of my clients who I see face-to-face are struggling with the same dilemma. So let me boil down my approach into five simple techniques:

Accept your feelings

Please don’t beat yourself up for not being able to magically put this all behind you. It has probably been the biggest shock in your life to date and the greatest threat to your well being, so I’m not surprised that all the pain comes in waves or old stuff strikes you in new ways – because there’s no way you could get your head round the enormity of the betrayal in one go.

Turn it around: It really helps to name the feelings – rather than let them churn around. So tell yourself: I am feeling ‘angry’ or ‘anxious’ or ‘perplexed’ or whatever. You don’t have to do anything with these feelings – just witness them. I ask my clients to start a feelings diary where they write down the time, the feeling, the trigger (event or thought). Keep it for a few days or weeks and understand the patterns. You should find that if you witness the feelings – rather than trying to block them – they will subside and slowly become more manageable.

Challenge your thoughts

This goes hand-in-hand with the first technique, some of your feelings are driven by your thoughts (or certainly amplified). We tend to believe everything our inner voice is saying and take it as the gospel truth. However, it will often exaggerate and join unconnected events from different parts of our life to produce compelling evidence that our life is going down the toilet. (I call this process over-thinking and catastrophising.)

Turn it around: Instead of letting all your thoughts go round and round in your head and pull you further and further down, write them down. It’s like taking dictation from your inner voice. When you’ve got it all down – word for word – you’ll find there’s not much there. Go back and look for exaggerations. For example, from above, ‘I feel so exhausted after talking about the affair every day’. I would challenge ‘every day’. I bet a more accurate picture would be ‘frequently’. I know it is a small change but it will feel less hopeless – and might even want to add more qualifications. So, for example, it would become ‘I sometimes feel exhausted after frequently talking about the affair – although sometimes it has helped me feel better.‘ My guess this second version is not only kinder but also more accurate. Look, in particular, for ‘always’ and ‘never’ and ‘should’ and ‘must’ and any other black and white language.

What are the flashbacks trying to tell me?

You are having flashbacks for a reason. It’s not that you’re a bad person because you can’t forgive yet or that your marriage is doomed. Most probably, your feeling are trying to tell you that there is unfinished business from the affair or something in your marriage needs attending to. For example, you sex life lacks passion or your husband and your daughter are always clashing (and you’re stuck in the middle). In effect, if you keep ignore the alert signals, your subconscious will keep sending them.

Turn it around: Go back to the dictation that you’ve taken from your inner-voice. Once you have stripped out the exaggerations, you will have a few reasonably straightforward issues (how to balance being successful at work and a good marriage) or a simple trigger (we haven’t been out – just the two of us – for at least a month). Once you have isolated what your flashbacks are telling you, it is normally reasonably easy to take practical steps to resolve them. For example, switch off your work phone after 9pm or book a table at your favourite restaurant.

Stop expecting something above your partner’s pay scale

If someone is the receptionist at a business, they are not expected to negotiate a better deal with a supplier or balance the accounts but sometimes I meet discoverers who expect their partner – who is an action person – to have a degree of access to his or her feelings that does not fit with their upbringing or personality. In particular, ‘why did you have an affair….’ In many cases, the answers will be unconvincing because, up to this point, your partner has never been asked to look deeply into his or her motivations. Perhaps you are asking for your partner to listen and empathise, even when you’re angry, critical and shaming when he or she would need the training of a therapist to be able to get past the hard shell to the person inside who is longing to be held or comforted.

Turn it around: We have a tendency to see our partners – and men and women in general – how we’d like to see them, rather than how they are in reality. We expect our partner’s minds to work in exactly the same ways as ours – even though women and men are raised in different ways and get different messages from society when they are children. It is much better to accept our partner’s limitations (and strengths) and truly understand what they can do and what’s above their pay scale. In order to explain men to women and women to men, I have written two books ‘My husband doesn’t love me and he’s texting someone else’ and ‘My wife doesn’t love me any more.’ Please read the appropriate one for you.

Give up on perfection

The most toxic emotion of all is SHAME. Unfortunately, there will be a lot of it in your household at the moment. Your partner will feel ashamed about his or her infidelity. You will feel shame for a recent outburst or rant and the greater shame that comes from being betrayed and feeling not good enough. Unfortunately, we don’t like shame and we are desperate to protect ourselves from it. The most common technique is to aim for perfect and hope that will be our protection from further hurt. For example, to be the perfect partner or expect our partner to be the perfect penitent spouse. I also see people who paint their pre-affair relationship as ‘perfect’ and become doubly angry with their partner for ‘ruining’ everything.

Turn it around: My favourite quote is from Nietzsche (19th Century German philosopher): “‘From the crooked timber of humanity, nothing straight was ever made”. In other words, we can’t be perfect because we’re human and when we fail to reach the impossible, we feel even more shame. Returning to my first point, it is much better to accept the shame, witness it and challenge our thoughts about it. Ultimately, it’s better to aim to be the best version or ourselves and the best version of our marriage rather than perfect. (There is more on SHAME in My Husband Doesn’t Love Me and He’s Texting Someone Else)

More information from my books My Husband Doesn’t Love Me and He’s Texting Someone Else, My Wife Doesn’t Love Me Any More or How Can I Ever Trust You Again?

  • What helped you move forward?
  • What held you back?
  • What can someone who’s had an affair do to help their partner move forward?

Please leave your thoughts in the comments section (will be moderated).

About Andrew G. Marshall

Marital therapist and author of I Love You But I'm Not in Love With You. Expert on resolving infidelity and falling back in love.

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  1. Kate B says

    The give up on perfection…toxic emotion SHAME is speaking to me big time. Shame is why i havent gone into therapy. Noone knows about this except my husband of course and our best male friend of 35 yrs. And now you. And if i had known how it was going to affect our friend, i wouldnt have told him. I had hoped i could talk to him in times i needed support, but he stopped talking and couldnt deal either. Oh we talked all the time, but when i would bring up my pain…he would change the subject. He has finally admitted that in his world of caos, we were his hope that somethings in his life were right and strong and pure. Once i realized how hard it had hit him, i stopped bringing it up.
    He also told me that he now feels strange around hubby after he found out the affairs were with men. And get this, he is Gay.
    I had such a hard time telling you the truth that i had a panic attack after i hit SUBMIT. i so fear being judged and have suffered with agoraphobia since i was 30 yrs. Old.
    I didnt want some inexperienced therapist to hone in on the age difference and not see our marriage and love for the blessed life we have lived.
    I have always worried that hubbys sexual abuse as a child would cause issues some day. He spent a yr. in therapy dealing with it, but i didnt think he reached the point where he should quit. Have a feeling he would agree now.
    Anyway, thankyou for this article and i have ordered MY HUSBAND DOESNT LOVE ME ETC. I AGREE, I TOO AM SO Tired.

  2. jANE tully says

    I read Men are from Mars Women are from Venus by John Gray and think bad communication between men and women is the main reason for affairs .

  3. Andie says

    This really spoke to me. I’ve been having serious mental problems since I found out about my husband’s online life. I feel what you wrote is me exactly. I get angry that I thought we were pretty great. Good kids happy loved each other. A true friendship and mutual respect. Mutual trust. Boy was I naive. The things that I found in his internet history. Gay men, lesbian, underage, old. Everything you could imagine and then some. It’s been going on for years. Not to mention the many dating sites I seen the messages to 60 plus. Pictures of himself…. yeah down there on more sites than I wish. I hacked them and closed them and email addresses more than a few. Unfortunately the internet is forever. Pictures that will be on there til the end of time. Emails to other women trading pics. I wasn’t happy is his response. .. wow just me the last few years thinking you loved me. Your online sex sites is looking for discreet fun and possibly more depending on the person. To say I’m devastated is a complete understatement. Now I decided to stay and 3 months later I feel like you wrote in the article just as you said above. Like I just found out that my marriage my time my love was for nothing. To just be an afterthought. Oh but lucky me he is happy now… oh great you broke my heart. Shattered me and everything I knew to be true. You hurt me and I didn’t know you didn’t love me but he loves me now yall. Yay me.

    • Sadgirl says

      That’s exactly what happened to me what do I do please we just had a baby together and I don’t know what I’m doing

      • Andrew G. Marshall says

        Tell him how much the baby means to you and how you want to be great parents together for him or her but there is the affair coming between you. For his sake, for your baby’s sake and your own sake, ask to go and speak to someone who can help him hear how hurt you’ve been and let you hear how he feels about everything and what he regrets. Together you can work out how to stop it from happening again.

        • Jules says

          Truth is nothing will ever make it right. The problem is with the affair partner. Who cannot take back what has callously been done. Walk away!

  4. Andrew G Marshall says

    Sadly, lots of people think what happens on the internet world has no impact in the real world. It really sounds like the two of you need to talk to a couple’s therapist. Other wise, he will be papering over the chasm between the two of you and your broken heart will fill with resentment (which will be toxic for your relationship in the long run).

  5. Anand says

    Thanks for your thoughtful conmemts. I agree with them. I disagree with several points in the article you recommend which implies that the wife is usually responsible for her husband’s affair and that she can heal the relationship by doing a better job of loving him. This may occasionally be true but more often, professional help is needed to sort things out. A qualified professional will help her use this upset to examine her own behavior in the relationship that her husband may be reacting to, but his reaction (having an affair) is his responsibility.

  6. Andrew G Marshall says

    I don’t think a wife is ‘usually responsible for her husband’s affair’. Although journalists often try and put those words in my mouth and if that’s how you’ve read it, I’m sorry. Nothing could be further from my mind.

    So why do affair’s happen? I put it in a formula ‘Problem + Poor Communication + Temptation = Affair.’ It’s perfectly possible that the problem could be entirely his – for example, shame about losing his job or unresolved material from his childhood. However, poor communication is a relationship issue. Why couldn’t be talk to you about this material? Did he try but you didn’t hear him? Ultimately, you are one half of the relationship so you need to look at your share in why communication broke down. Obviously, you are not responsible for his temptation.

    If there was one topic that I’d like to remove completely from coverage of affairs and that’s BLAME. Normally the first question from journalists is ‘who’s to blame when there’s an affair?’ How does blaming someone create a team to make the necessary changes to help a marriage recover? Life is not black and white with an innocent party and a guilty one.

  7. Betsy says

    Andie,
    Yours is my experience too. My husband had an affair and I was totally blindsided. Our marriage was one friends and family looked up to. I, too, feel as though our marriage and love was just a lie. All that wasted time, energy, years 25 years- right out of college- just wasted but yes, mine too, loves me and was devastated at the thought of losing me. ” he loves me more than anything & always has. I wasn’t in my right mind”. Says he. The insanity plea; valid defense? Funny, it took him 3 months after my initial discovery and discovering the emotional affair was still going on, for his catharsis!
    I have decided to stay but I am afraid I will never feel the same love I once did.

  8. Enya says

    I too have discovered that my husband of 29 years had been unfaithful with a woman from a adult web site, I feel cheated, angry and worthless that he couldnt speak to me as to how he was feeling, he is full of remorse and all I do is drink to help me deal with the devastation. He has his golf and work and I know he isnt feeling as devastated as I do. I am trying to stay strong for our children and the outside (work etc) world but i am struggling as I spend a lot of time on my own as my sons have grown up and I am estranged from my family and I have no real friends who I can confide in.

    • Andrew G Marshall says

      If you’ve got no friends to talk to then you need to speak to a therapist (who will probably be more constructive any way). It will be a whole lot better than drink as that’s only making you more depressed. I know it’s hit your self-esteem but an affair often says more about the cheater than the person cheated on. Finally, if you haven’t ordered it yet please get ‘How can I ever trust you again’ because it will explain why your feelings are normal, how to listen to them and move forward from this horrible situation.

    • Kristen Dall-Winther MD says

      Hello –

      I just want to offer that you are not alone. Since finding out about my husbands affair 6 months ago, I feel so incredibly isolated and alone too. I wish there was a way we could support each other more.

      • Karen says

        I’m 4 1/2 years out and the triggers still hit me hard. I agree it is a very lonely existence trying to cope with the feelings of betrayal and now poor self esteem.

        • Andrew G. Marshall says

          If you’re feeling as low as in this post, it definitely sounds like you need more help. Have you thought of counselling or reading books about why you’ve got stuck in the process? Think about telling your husband that you’re miserable and alone. He is probably feeling something similar so perhaps you could consider couple counselling too. But whatever happens, don’t just wait to feel better – take action.

        • Grigy says

          That’s exactly how I feel……. its ben 11 months I discovered this so call emotional affair that I dont believe he’s telling me the whole truth and its haunting me …. on dying inside that its killing me…… I dont know what my feelings means….. sometimes I think I will never get over this and my marriage of 20 years is over……. I’m confused if I should walk away or stay stuffing like I am now. …he has said to many lies but at the end he swears it was nothing physical and deep in my heart I don’t believe and I think that is what has me feeling this way…. please I need advice…. are this feelings normal or am I going crazy because that’s how I feel….

          • Andrew G. Marshall says

            Even though it is eleven months since your discovery, it is still early days in your recovery. It sounds like you need a lot of support both from people who will understand and from me answering your questions…. have a look at the link below

          • Ms. H says

            I’m in the same Boat as you Grigly ….
            I’m not sorry to say this, but I feel like those who Betray ya Don’t Give a flying …..
            Ughhhh, I wanted to run, but have a tween. I still feel anger, and resentment, with emotional Trauma. Really been trying, and triggers don’t help the situation. Husband doesn’t get that I have to talk about it. I really want revenge. I’m not feeling bad about it either. 25 years of wasted Energy too, is the same feeling I have. He BROKE my trust. I am all about Honesty, integrity, and moral values. Half of me wants to leave, because he has done this emotional Mess to me before. This time I Continued my search, and found more stuff, other than chatting. He saved their numbers to his phone, and he also went out of country “supposedly
            To do some
            family stuff for his Mother..BS! I’m angry that some family members knew he went, and I was Unaware! The Husband thinks in all in the Past to him! He was doing all this last Summer, possibly or longer and I found out March 2019! Nooo, It’s Not The Past! It’s now, the present that I am Dealing with this! I wish I was the one with the Emotional Affair, and he could see Me do things like that to HIM! Then how Would he react?? Plus he travels, and that doesn’t help our situation. He said he felt lonely..blah, blah, blah! I was lonely, but found comfort in my family and friends. He chose to Behave That way. I know it’s not my fault, I’m still just very angry.
            Thank you for letting me vent and for the article

        • Jane says

          I am also 4 years out and still working hard at trust and memories. The woman is in our neighborhood and it makes it so hard to forget. We went to counseling for over a year and it helped so much. It was not easy, and we had many set backs, but the end result is so worth it. We connect on a whole other level. I learned alot about myself and how I contributed to the downfall. Reminding yourself that you are in control and not the victim is empowering and works. I have several books, and reminders that I constantly work on. Mostly because I came from a cold, unsupportive family that included physical abuse. I have always had anxiety, and the affair put it into overdrive which makes handling the memories so hard. I am an experienced overthinker, negative thoughts have been a way of life for me. Its been so much better, open communication, mutual respect and being honest about your feelings, including jealousy and other issues that pop up when you try to move on. Its made us so much closer. Please don’t give up, it feels so helpless and lonely, you are not alone, its happened to so many people.
          Best of luck to all

  9. Charlotte says

    I have found it very hard to come to terms with my husbands affair as I found out about it 11 years after it occurred. Subsequently I feel like it is a recent betrayal . It was made very hard because I came upon accidentally a video of them fornicating together in a bed in my home. I cannot accept this and I can’t seem to move forward although I love my husband dearly. Can anyone advise?

    • Andrew G. Marshall says

      What a horrible way to find out. You might be surprised to know that finding out so much later is not that unusual. I worked with a couple where the wife found out ten years later. In many ways, the pain was just as raw as it would have been if she’d found out at the time. She also had to cope with the shock of discovery how well he had hidden everything. Now for the good news, it is still possible to recover (and you will go through the same seven stages as everybody else). You’ll be pleased to know this couple decided to stay together and found the experience had strengthened their relationship.

    • Dawn says

      I also found videos. 5 of them. And I was suspicious for 6 months and he had told me I was crazy and then started to give guilt gifts or be super angry and always fight with me and even mentioned another woman but not as if she existed but could one day exist…. then he would retract that all when he wasn’t mad. It’s been 2 years and I suffer everyday. He also had a hard time letting go I believe. I found emails on the 2 year anniversary of me finding out that were saying “marry me, I love you” and more… but he says there was a reason, he was trying to get her to come with him to meet me , so I could talk with her as I pleased. He did show me where she lived and all of that … so I don’t know what the truth is. She was also married .

      • Andrew G. Marshall says

        I know what the truth is and so do you… when someone says ‘you’re crazy’ he is trying to protect himself. (It’s called Gas-lighting after a film of the same name). When someone makes up idiotic stories that don’t make sense – like he is trying to get his mistress to meet his wife – he’s trying to cover his traces. So stop debating with him, he is having an affair – even if it’s not still physical it’s emotional as he’s trying to cover for her. If he doesn’t want to admit to an affair, there is no way that you can heal or your marriage has any future – beyond both of you gritting your teeth and pretending. And that’s a recipe for another affair – either yours or his.

  10. Noelle Miller says

    I am stuck on details of my husband’s affair. I have found lots of pictures of his AP and I have them all saved in an album. I visit a shared Facebook group they are in regularly. All these things bring me pain but I can’t give them up. I keep going back to them. I do not know why. I am scared to let it all go. Like we will forget this happened and it may happen again. I just feel a little stuck.

  11. Juile says

    As a wife that has cheated I feel like the the minority. I suffered in silence dealing with an emotionally abusive relationship. Stumbling in and out of depression and dealing with anxiety stimulated by the abuse. For years, it slowly build into this dysfunctional relationship. I still had so much fear but wanted to work through our problems. I had gotten past 3 online affairs that he engaged in, so I was hopeful he would get past my indiscretions. The shame I feel is immense. I have been mentally demolished and all I want is a heathy marriage. I am now being punished for my wrong doings and the atonement is more emotional abuse. I can’t see clearly because I am so broken. I know what I did was wrong but this can’t be the way to salvation, right?

    • Andrew G. Marshall says

      It really sounds like you need a neutral party to help the two of you sort through the whole of your marriage and not just the isolated incident of your infidelity. If your husband won’t do this, I would suggest individual counselling so you can decide what your options are and to help deal with the shame.

  12. T says

    Thank you . My thoughts and emotions are so mixed up to say anything else. Just reading this has made me feel better for the moment.

  13. Scotty2309 says

    Hi haves recently discovered that my wife has had an affair with a guy who she has known for years, I’ve always been suspicious of this person and my wife has always reassured me nothing will never happen. Besides that I was in a happy relationship and fully trusted my wife.
    My wife has been on a recent trip and made plans and slept with this guy. I discovered all the evidence in her suitcase when arrived back which she initially lied about, only when I found underwear you would wear for an occasion did she come clean.

    I love my wife and want to be with her, however the dirty txt messages, underwear, buying condoms at the airport, planning this while being all nice to me telling me she loves me has me in no mans land… feeling utterly confused on how she can love me and do this to us/me.
    She has apologised and has begged to make it work, she herself doesn’t know why she’s done it. I’m finding it hard to understand and try and move on.
    She said she put me in a box and didn’t think of the consequences,however I don’t believe her….she must of knew the implications! I want to be with her but finding it hard to be with her, I’m lost!

    • Andrew G. Marshall says

      I’m afraid ‘putting people in a box’ – it is called compartmentalisation is very common. It is the idea that what happens in one part of your life has no impact on the other. Obviously, it is a load of rubbish but that’s how people allow themselves to do stupid and hurtful things. I’m not surprised that you’re finding it hard to be with her, that’s natural. Read my book ‘How can I ever trust you again’ it will explain more about compartmentalisation and show you a road to recovery. Good luck.

      • Suzy says

        Discovery day for me was 1 year ago. My husband of 25 years had had a 6 year affair (on and off over 15 years of our marriage). I had suspected it (6th sense) shared my concerns/ fears with him but he lied for years and made be feel terrible for not trusting him. We have 6 children and the affairs took place during the pregnancies of the last 3. I struggle to accept it everyday. I don’t think I will ever forgive. He desperately wants to stay together but the betrayal is so huge. I cry everyday.

        • Suzy says

          To follow on I have done 100s of hours of counselling and so has he. He is remorseful and open and honest now about everything. I know every little detail of where and when. The triggers are endless and play on my mind constantly. I have some support but thought I would be feeling better by now. I’ve acknowledged that our first marriage is over and this is a new relationship we’re working on but the betrayal is so huge and some friends and family are not supportive and think I’m crazy to stay. It makes me doubt myself even as I’m defending us.

        • Ms. H says

          Hi Suzy
          That’s me..crying practically every day. I am currently in counseling, although I’m not really sure what my husband did when he went off “secretly” to another country for more than 3 days! I mean..a third world country, who the hell knows what he did. Plus he travels
          Anytime you want to chat, let me know. I too feel broken and need to talk to others going through the same experience. Those who betrayed us, don’t really understand. They won’t, and they don’t get it. In my opinion anyway.
          Try to have a good day…I got Blue moon on my side

  14. Sara says

    In my search for why I still cannot get over my husband’s affair I found your article and have taken some solace. 2nd marriage for us both. I had a female ‘stalker’ early on in our relationship declaring an affair, he denied and I believed. We married, went on honeymoon and I received more messages detailing personal details of my life and an affair with my husband. Again I was talked and charmed into believing him. Electronic stalking began again, and many silent calls. We contacted the authorities and they dealt with it, even though he was still denying. A year after this, I find that it was true, she was an occasional distraction for him and giving him lots of attention. He was receiving plenty of that at home, but he has an ego, a big one, and she was young. I was broken, and he was completely devastated. I can see that he was caught between a rock and a hardplace in the fact she wanted to tell me but he wanted to marry me, so he kept contact to keep her quiet, almost a blackmail scenario as she was threatening, and dropped her after sleeping with her two times within days of our marriage. He said he just wanted to marry me, and she would have ruined that. I suggested telling me would have been easier than continuing as we could have dealt with her menaces together, hindsight is a marvellous thing. He has done absolutely everything to make this right, learned things about himself he finds abhorrent, and has worked hard to change that and we are building a new ‘us’, which has been very successful. We were happy and in love before, it is now a love on a much higher level, and we have strength and unity which wasn’t there before. What I cannot get out of my mind is how easy he broke his vows and this upsets me greatly. I am doing my best to move foreword, life really couldn’t be any better now, apart from what is still in my head. We had a counsellor in the beginning who was excellent, though she did really rip into him which surprised me, but it certainly made him realise who he was and he was horrified at himself when he understood the full consequence of his actions. Sadly she became ill, and the replacement wasnt for us, we’ve managed well on our own since then, she gave us the right path to tread, and we are so grateful for that. No one else knows, I couldn’t have borne the shame, so having no one to talk to since has been very difficult for me, especially around certain dates that act as triggers. We don’t talk about it very often now, he has compartmentalised, locked it away as a very dark place in his life he doesn’t wish to ever revisit, but I still have to live with it, and inside I am still in pieces.

    • Andrew G. Marshall says

      I’m glad that the two of you have made so much progress and it is a big pity that your therapist fell ill when you were making so much progress. So what to do about now? Please read back the end of your post and listen to what you’re saying: I’m in pieces. You need to find someone – most probably a therapist – who will listen to you, help you examine the pieces and put them together again. In this way, you’ll know how to move forward. It could this therapy will be enough to help you feel better (because some of the pain might be unresolved material from your first marriage). It could be that there are unresolved couple issues and – however painful that might be for your husband – the two of you need to work on together. Good luck.

  15. Sam says

    I can’t get over my boyfriend’s affair. 11 years 3 kids later I found out he’s been having an affair for 2 yrs the entire time I was pregnant with our 3rd baby who is now 1. It’s been 5 months since I found out and 1 mon since I’ve last seen her number pop up on his call log. I have good and bad days mostly God’s but when their bad their bad. I scream and yell at him for things that run through my own head. I want my life back but I can’t seem to let his affair go I don’t know how to forgive. I fear that if I keep all this up I’ll loose everything we’ve worked so hard for.

    • Andrew G. Marshall says

      You can’t have your old life back. Sorry. But you can have a new and better relationship, if your boyfriend is prepared to put in the work and the two of you are able to look at what went wrong, what needs to change and commit to sorting out problems (which previously were not mentioned or swept under the carpet). My book ‘How can I ever trust you again’ explains more.

    • Alex says

      I discovered my husbands affair by accident. I then went digging and found out so much more. He denies anything sexual but I don’t believe him. He was infatuated with her. I think she wanted more commitment which he wasn’t prepared to give and she dumped him and moved on. We are back together I deeply love him and have been married to him for 23 years. He’s not at all contrite which hurts. His affair goes round and round in my head and is driving me insane. I’d have more respect for him if he admitted it and we could move on. I’m seriously considering having an affair myself so he knows how I feel. He’s forgotten all about her and just expects me to do the same. I’m terrified that if I do this that the next affair will be arriving soon. He has a massive ego is extremely handsome and charming but needs constant validation from other women. He makes me feel insecure. He constantly tells me he loves me but I can’t get it out of my head how many other women he has casually flattered in the same way too. I feel shameful for staying and putting up with him. My friends keep telling me how lovely and good looking I am and how I don’t deserve to feel this way. I feel so conflicted. I’ve never trusted him. I think he really fancied this other woman. My pride just will not let her get away with it. I’m so angry at times too then I just cry. He won’t talk about it and now I’m starting to resent him

  16. Nikki says

    My husband informed me, 10 days before our 20th anniversary, that he wanted to be friends. That was summer 2016. After investigating, I found that he had began taking time w/ a female coworker in spring. His communication was lacking. I didn’t understand why. After therapy n months of talking, I understood that I shared responsibility for what lead to his infidelity but what he choose to do was his alone. Then I found out that he kissed her. Followed by months of sneaking phone calls to her n catching them together. I believe resentment is setting up residence n I can’t push it out. Im angry. Im insecure. I’m sad. I want revenge. I’m giving him everything he felt was missing. But what did I get? The same non communicating guy. And I feel like I stepped it up (working hard) and he’s getting away with murder. I lost a lot and found myself in the process. I could really move pass conversation but the kissing is killing me. And he still works there seeing her every day. Idk what to do. I’m gonna die at 90 thinking about this. I’m thinking about divorce but we can stay together. I believe he lost the privilege of being married to me.

  17. Pat says

    My husband has been calling and texting other women off and on over the last 15 years. He says it’s nothing, but to me it is. Why sneak around if it’s nothing? I’m struggling with whether I should stay or leave. We’ve been married for 37 years and have four adult children. It’s hard to leave when our marriage is all I’ve known for the largest part of my life.

    • Jen says

      Same story with mine 10 years though. I’m pregnant with my second child of his and he did it during both pregnancies. He said he needed someone to talk to which doesnt make sense I’ve been here the whole time. I’ve never judged him always have been supportive. He even told me I’m the nicest person he knows and the girl he recently talked to was just like me only he didnt ass ahead is skinny young with no kids and yeah my sons tball coach. I’m having a really hard time moving on we did go to counseling after he said he didnt feel in love with me I feel like he has improved on that part but my mind cant wrap around the fact he has done this multiple times i know of at least 4 emotional affairs probably is more of them. He keeps telling me he is at fault and was an idiot and this has changed him. He has been trying I’ve seen a effort but it’s me not sure what I want now.

      • Andrew G. Marshall says

        If you don’t want to go on with this marriage, that’s fine. He has hurt you multiple times and you’ve had enough. But it sounds to me, you have also got a question: ‘Why does he keep cheating on me’. Fortunately, I have a book out in January 2020 which tackles the question’ ‘Why did I cheat’ Perhaps understanding why will help. But the most important question is whether your husband is interested in answering this question for HIMSELF and making the necessary changes himself. There is probably some truth in the sentence ‘I needed someone to talk to’, I would not be surprised if he had some personal issues that need to be sorted. Perhaps from his childhood or perhaps he finds it hard to communicate properly. Of course, talking to these women will not help and make his life worse. Is he interested in finding a way to move forward – rather than asking everybody to forget and repeat the same mistakes all over again.

  18. Tiffany L. says

    My fiancé cheated on me almost a year ago and I still can’t get over it. I’ve been getting better and I don’t cry myself to sleep every night like I did. But I constantly find myself thinking about the girl he slept with. I think about her every single day and it is so difficult to overcome. She works right down the street from me, she lives across the street from my church, and she attends the same university as him. The pain I feel from the affair is so intense that I sometimes wish I could just stop existing. It doesn’t help that his family and friends just see me as the angry fiancé because nobody knows what he did or the extent of what happened. The anger and hate I have for both him and the girl are so strong it scares me. I don’t know how to get over this and it’s frustranting because that’s all I want to do. I have never been able to talk about it to anybody because nobody actually “gets it” and tells me to just get over it. It isn’t fair that she and him are fine and living their lives and I have to deal with the fallout of their actions. I want to get over this more than anything and I want to stop feeling this way.

    • Andrew G. Marshall says

      I would suggest that you accept your feelings (because it’s natural to be angry and one year is not a long time ago) but to challenge your thoughts. For example: ‘It isn’t fair that she and him are fine and living their lives and I have to deal with the fallout of their actions.’ Has he really not had to deal with the fall out. He’s living with an ‘angry fiancée’ I doubt he is fine. As for her, if she needs to sleep with other women’s men, I doubt her life is fine. In my experience, these sorts of women either have troubled childhoods or are deeply unhappy. So I doubt she is ‘fine’. I doubt she has learnt anything from the experience and is probably making the same mistakes. How do you feel now? Probably still angry but a little less so. Keep challenging these thoughts because they are making you angrier and less able to cope and talk to your fiancée about how to repair your relationship. If this exercise helped, you will find it and similar ones in ‘Wake Up and Change Your Life’

  19. Lindsay Lewis says

    Hi,
    It’s been 3 years since my husband;s affair. He had a 5 year affair with someone in another city. I sometimes still feel as if I only just found out, anger and hurt and humiliation, somehow made worse that ive been living with this for so long already. I find myself completely distracted with the rage and hurt and desperately want to be released from this horrendous cycle. I just want to feel normal again, without this hanging over me. It has completely blighted my life. I don’t know how to be rid of it.
    Although we are still together and the affair has ended, it \s shadow is just as black and large for me. My feelings towards my partner are anger and disappointment. I want to feel more positively towards him but I can’t. Please help me.

    • Andrew G. Marshall says

      I think you need to confess to him how bad it is still is for you. There is only one way forward and that’s for the two of you to have couple counselling and a safe space for you to express all your anger. Show him this post, so he understands just how bleak the shadow is for him. If he does I have a message for him…. I know you consider this is the past and you’re going to despair that it will hang over you forever but that’s because it was swept under the carpet all this years ago. I know you will be tempted to tell your wife to ‘sort herself out’ but that will be just another black mark which shows that you don’t care about her. I think you do have feelings or you wouldn’t have stayed. i doubt live together is a bowl of cherries, why not be brave and do something to change that. Good luck.

  20. Geeta Hiteshi says

    We had an exemplary relationship as husband and wife, man and a woman, best of friends, parents to our children. When suddenly after Very fulfilling 28 years of married life I discovered about infeditily from my husband towards him.
    He was I a relationship fir past 3 years.
    Now, he is very very apologetic and is doing his best to bring normalcy in our relationship. But, I am hit by thoughts of his sexual indulgence with another woman. And keep breaking me again and again . I want to believe him , but something stops me. I become v sad.
    Having known him for so many years , I know he will not repeat it. But, I am HURT DEEP INSIDE and cant forget that he hurt me and broke my trust.
    Please advise what should I do to overcome this sad feeling of being walked over.

    • Andrew G. Marshall says

      If you sweep everything under the carpet and just forgive him without any real changes in your relationship – that will being walked over. If he is prepared for a BRAND NEW relationship based on learning why he cheated and what he needs to do differently and how your relationship needs to change that is a completely different situation. So read the books on recovering from affairs. I have two of them but there are lots more. Look at joining my support group because this will not be easy or over in a couple of weeks. More details here:

  21. Michael says

    Thank you for your thoughtful replies to everyone’s comments. I just ordered your book “How Can I Ever Trust You Again” after reading this blog and having recently discovered my partner’s emotional affairs.

    After 2 years of what I thought was a committed relationship, I discovered my partner was carrying on an affair with one of the men in her recovery (NA) network, a man she admittedly had been attracted to since they met 9 years ago. She had phone sex with him and invited him to her bed for sexual activity, though she denies ever carrying out actual physical contact. They have been alone together several times I know of. He is also in a long term committed relationship.

    I discovered the sexting (unfortunately by prying into her phone on my suspicions) 4 months after the fact. She immediately blamed me because I wasn’t making her a priority in our relationship. I accept responsibility for paying more attention to my daughter’s needs and my house project at the time – yes. However, the timeline doesn’t really add up as she carried on with him for years prior to me. He was always right there as a “friend” who understood her and met her emotional needs before I came around. She admits he was “always (her) fantasy.”

    Now, four months later he still calls her, and she continues to communicate with him as a “friend.” She continues to talk to him despite knowing how I feel about it. She said she would never cross that line again with him and made a promise not to do so, and then placed all the responsibility of trusting her on me.

    I’ve tried to forgive and move on and get our lives back to normal, but I am looking at her completely different now and feeling like our time is borrowed. I feel she lacks empathy and is sweeping it all under the rug and trying to normalize this “friendship” she has with this man. I also have buried myself in work and improving my health and strength and seeking my own healing and self improvement, without her.

    I am watching her actions which are not tangible. She is not disclosing her continued communications with this “friend” and she does not want to discuss “us.” I believe she is keeping him around “in case.” She told me it’s a trust issue – I either trust her or I don’t. That is correct, I don’t. And because I cannot bring this up with her anymore moving forward, I’ve resolved the only way to keep this relationship intact is to trust emphatically, stop asking her about this “friend” and move on. In the meantime, I fear this will remain unresolved as I grow apart from her. I don’t want to, but if she cannot come to the table and address her side relationship needs honestly, I probably can’t do this.

    • Andrew G. Marshall says

      I wonder how much of your wife’s behaviour is to do with addiction (rather than ‘love’ and ‘friendship’) It is very common for people who are in recovery to be at risk of cross addicting – so insstead of using their preferred substance to modify their moods, they use another ‘high’. It this case sexting and other buzzes. No wonder, she is protective of her ‘friendship’ she is protecting her supply of feel good buzzes. I don’t know if you can have a calm conversation where you discuss these fears. I assume she has some sort of sponsor in the network. Is she being open with her sponsor. Is she hiding their sexting and emotional affair? What does the sponsor say?

  22. Linda says

    After 8 yrs of marriage, which I thought was going fairly well, my husband had an emotional affair. I was blind-sided. We never went to counseling (his reason for the affair was because I “didn’t make him a priority”) and I just stuffed my pain down and took responsibility for it for 12 years until he had another affair (he claims there was only kissing involved). We separated for 6 months, after which time he moved back home because he felt that we couldn’t move forward unless I could witness his changes (he stopped drinking). I relunctantlly agreed (I don’t think I was ready) and he moved home. We were in couple counselling for almost a year but I don’t feel that it really helped us get to the root problems. I have been in individual counseling from the start, over two years ago. We had a “honeymoon” phase around month 8-9, but since then I’ve struggled with anger, sadness, withdrawing. I don’t want to get close to him (emotionally or physically). He was remorseful and apologized several times after the 2nd affair (he was sincere). But he also blamed me for my lack of intimacy during our marriage years (some truth…I didn’t want to get close to him because I never dealt with affair #1 pain). Now, we are both miserable. I fear having deep, meaningful conversations with him, because I’m emotionally and physically exhausted. It’s SO much work! I wish he would go to individual counseling but he won’t. I also recently asked him for us to resume couple counseling but he feels that we can work things out ourselves (not true). I’m starting to think I’m staying with him only for our children. Our two oldest know about the 2nd affair and thankfully they’ve been in counseling to deal with their hurts. I’m scared, hopeless, and angry/sad. Not sure I even like him anymore. Once was bad enough…but the 2nd affair…ouch. Hoping you can give me some helpful advice. Thank you.

    • Andrew G. Marshall says

      You feel really strongly about this. It comes across in every line of your letter. Unless you talk about this – rather stuffing down the pain – your marriage will continue to be an emotional desert. Use your individual counselling to reach a point that you are strong enough to say: I can’t go any more unless we go back into couple counselling again. Explain: there are things I need to say to help me move on. Yes. It is a lot of work but growth is difficult – because we have to combat all the years of programming. Keep going. You are doing really well. Please remember this when you feel ‘scared, hopeless, angry or sad’ – before hand you just stuffed the pain down. This is tough but it’s better than denial. And you are making progress. Well done.

  23. Svetlana Hutchison says

    Would be more seriously viewed if this article was double checked for misspellings. I was going to let my partner see it but ” bought up as a girl” stopped me cold.

    • Andrew G. Marshall says

      I am sorry that the phrase that you highlighted prompted a strong reaction. I have been back and rephrased the thought. Sorry for any misspellings. I am a therapist not a proof reader.

  24. Amy Weaver says

    My husband had an affair with a co- worker 24 years ago. I thought it was an emotional affair and only learned the full extent ( that it was sexual) 3 months ago. We are in counseling but I can’t seem to let go of the images, anger, bitterness, and depression. Many days I can’t get out of bed or function. I’m doing the things our counselor has said to do but I feel like I am getting worse. I’m exhausted from trying to redirect my thoughts. I was having several good days before a bad day but now I’m having more bad days and fewer good days. I’m desperate to feel better and put this behind me. What can I do?

    • Andrew G. Marshall says

      I am not surprised that you are consumed with images, anger and bitterness. Three months is VERY early days after your discovery and your pain will have been increased DRAMATICALLY by all the lies that you have been told when your husband swore blind it was ‘only’ emotional. In fact, I would go one step further than saying these feelings are natural and say they are NECESSARY. You need to get all this pain out of your system, you need to process what happened and the anger will provide the energy to keep your husband focused on his betrayal. So although, I don’t like to criticise fellow therapists – as I don’t know you and he or she does – but why tell you to redirect your thoughts. Repressed feelings lead to depression – hence not getting out of bed or functioning properly. So what can you do? Tell your therapist how difficult it is, how redirecting your thoughts is not working, you need to talk about them, journal, get them OUT. You could also join my Infidelity Survival Training and Support Group where all your feelings and thoughts are accepted, listened to and discussed. Here are the details…

  25. Kat says

    My husband had an affair 10 years ago and I still cannot completely get over it. He actually had a long term physical affair where they professed their love for each other, that happened in 2005 and the again from 07-08 with the same person. Also while seeing his wife that left him at the alter during the second one. He refused to go to counseling. Still dies but I think it’s the only hope. Our communication is terrible. I repeat my self until I am blue in the face telling him what I need from him to work through this (compassion, love, attention) and I just don’t think he’s capable. He thinks I’m stupid for it still bothering me after so long but I truly believe we never really hashed out our problems and how to fix. We have a senior and a 7th grader and I think I was half heartedly waiting until they graduate. The problem is I’m miserable and don’t feel like I’m being the best mom I could be. I think I’m a great mom and put more time in my kids than I should, but I’m not happy a lot and they have no idea what is going on. Of course they know we don’t get a long well but they don’t know where the feelings stem from. I’ve asked to go to counseling with him and he still refuses. I’m not sure but I think all hope is fading quickly. I always tell myself he’s not an alcoholic and doesn’t beat me so I don’t have it as bad as others may, but he’s not attentive. He says he wants to work on our marriage and that it’s all me stopping us from getting past this point. We were military and were fine and working through it at our last two assignments. We had people and sports and a network. Since moving to our newest location out of his retirement, I can see how much we really hadn’t been working through it, just masking it. I’m just lost really.

    • Andrew G. Marshall says

      I think you are right about the communication because repeating yourself over and over is just going to make you angry and him switch off. I also wonder what he makes of asking for ‘compassion, love, attention’ – they are so abstract, does he know what concrete actions would achieve it. If you’re lost, think about joining my support group. You will meet other people trying to process their partner’s infidelity and find new ways to communicate. I have videos to help and give weekly video chats where I deal with useful topics for recovery.

  26. Kelly M says

    Hi
    I discovered my husband’s affair almost a year ago.

    He ‘met’ this woman (who lived abroad) 10yrs previously on the internet, and they were in contact on and off over this time. Contact had stopped for the 5 years she was married. She then contacted my husband when her marriage ended.

    She got a job in UK, and that’s when the affair became intimate

    He ended the affair when I found out. She took it quite badly as the following weekend she took an overdose and was in hospital for a few days. Understandably, my husband felt afraid that she may not have pulled through and felt that he was to blame.

    A couple of weeks later, he met her during the day (with my consent/knowledge) for ‘closure’, which she wanted.

    We have been to relate, and all seemed to be going well, we talk more and are honest with each other,he is very attentive and doing all the right things, and I’m not afraid to tell him how I feel. I ‘understand’ the reason why he had the affair, as we had been distant with each other for a few years, and he thought that I didn’t want him anymore, so he was shocked at how devastated I was when I found out.

    I kept asking him if she had attempted any contact, and he kept saying no, however just before Christmas I found that they were still in contact via text (she had contacted him a couple of months after he ended the affair) the texts I saw were ‘platonic’, however they were planning to meet the day before she was due to go back home abroad (because she couldn’t stay in UK if he wasn’t with her)… he is adamant that he had no intention of sleeping with her. I also discovered that he had bought her an item of jewellery just before Christmas because she said that she wanted something to remind her of him ( he says requested by her) which I’m now struggling with.

    You can imagine my reaction to this. His explanation is that he wanted to protect me and at the same time didn’t want to ‘upset’ her just in case she would go over the edge again, and that he just wanted to keep her ‘happy’ until she went back, so that the affair was well and truly over. He did say that he is so relieved that the affair is over and she’s now no longer in the UK. He also says that he really wants this to work, and he regrets everything.

    I feel utterly confused and lost, and feel that she was priority. The fact that he bought her jewellery after it was supposed to be over is haunting me, as well as the planned meeting before she left, and I can’t shake it off. He keeps saying that he was just waiting for her to leave, as it was stressing him out. He tells me how much he loves me, and he is worried that I’m going to end our marriage, and do what ever it takes to make this work. He also said that If I did end our marriage, he would not be going back to her.

    However, finding out that they were still in touch has set me back..I checked his emails today and noticed that he sent her flowers a few times (this was during the affair and is something that he’s never done for me) and this has really upset me. It feels like I’m starting from scratch again, but seems to feel worse this time?…am I being unreasonable? Should I just try and think about the positives? Believe me I do… but it’s very difficult.

    I have not spoken to my closest friend about this recent set back (she knew about affair) because she has started to build bridges with him and telling her this will destroy everything…. so I’m lost… I was even tugging at my hair the other day, out of frustration I think.

    I’m so sad and angry because I was starting to make good progress with my recovery, and now I’m not sure if it can be regained and the marriage saved.

    It’s a very difficult decision for me to make, to either stay or go, especially as we have a teenager who knows nothing about this and would be devastated if we parted

    • Andrew G. Marshall says

      Recovery from an affair is never a straight journey – both for the person who had the affair and their partner. Sadly even after the bubble bursts, the unfaithful partner does not think entirely straight. They want to ‘help’ the affair partner because they feel so guilty. They think contact is not going to be found out. It is also so easy these days – with so many different ways of getting in touch. To be honest, I would have been SURPRISED if there HADN’T been contact. If she is manipulative enough to try and commit suicide and if he is easily manipulated to think it was his fault (that someone how he tipped the pills down her throat and made her swallow them) then is was almost GUARANTEED that there would be texts, presents etc. So I don’t think the contact says he is SO in love with her. Just that he is a people pleaser who finds it hard to tell people things they don’t want to hear. So can your marriage be saved? I think so. Is it normal to feel that you have gone back to the beginning? Yes. (Read my book ‘How can I ever trust you again?’ and you’ll see it is easy to slip back – but you tend to bounce back a bit quicker each time). Instead of concentrating on this renewed contact, I would suggest looking at ‘why he cheated’ and ‘what changes he needs to make so he is not so vulnerable again’ and the changes you both need for a new marriage together (because the old one doesn’t work any more. If you can’t talk to your friend – which is also common – join my infidelity support group where there’s are lots of people who will understand and I have weekly question and answer sessionsAndrew G. Marshall’s Infidelity Survival Training and Support Group Launch

  27. MM says

    We have been married for over 12 years. I found out 2 months ago that my husband was texting a coworker. He denied it at first and then he explained that they were joking around and it was nothing serious. He swears he has never met with her and he only did it to boost his ego. But I keep going back to the text I found. He was asking her to meet with him after work and that he was infatuated with her. We are going to counseling but I feel that he has not been completely honest with me. He can be manipulative, every time I ask him a question about what he did, he changes some part of the story. He tells me he wants to be with me and work things out but I can’t seem to get over it. Anytime I get upset or have an outburst he ignores me and walks away. Instead of reassuring or helping me , he completely shuts down. I feel he does not understand all the pain and damage he has done. I don’t trust him. I don’t see him the same way and my feelings for him are changing too. I feel like I’m stuck and the only way to overcome this, is to leave him.

  28. Lena says

    My husband had an affair w/ his ex girlfriend from 30 yrs ago. He lied to my face about it not to mention straight in my eyes. I asked him minute by minute -detail a and every second what happened. I was CRUSHED!! It’s 3 yrs now & @ times I still bring it up. We were in marriage counseling & I did most of the talking. We stooped,going because we wanted to try to make it on our own & because he lied while in marriage counseling. He said he did it for ” Revenge on her for what she did to him 30 yrs ago. I think it was Revenge on me for spending money we didn”t have. I just didn’t care. I went thru multiple surgeries on my back & had to resign from my job after 18 yrs. I truly enjoyed my job.. I don’t believe it was Revenge on her… It was me. He doesn’t talk about his feelings or when we have a discussion about it. We separated in the 3 months to get our heads straight & I think once we separated he couldn’t wait to be w/her. I think it was planned. All of the pictures he did to her is all that comes to my head & it’s on a daily basis. I’m @ a loss right now. We are talking about separating again & I’m afraid he’ll do it again.
    He told her that he loved & missed her. Why would he say that? This is beyond my comprehension. I know I won’t understand this. I’m in need of desperate help. Do u have any suggestions?

    • Andrew G. Marshall says

      As you have pointed out there are deep resentments in your marriage. You are resentful about his affair. He is resentful about your spending and money in general. You are angry with life (because you have been robbed of the job that you love). He sounds angry too. At the moment, the two of you can’t talk about any of this. Would marriage therapy help this time (when he is not lying)? If you want to understand more about the background to his obsession, I would look at my book ‘It’s not a midlife crisis, it’s an opportunity’

  29. Confusedgal says

    Hello,
    After several google searches and reading several articles about moving on after an affair, I felt this one really spoke to me. After reading over fellow readers comments, I felt less alone in my feelings of betrayal. So, thanks to Andrew the author of this article and the men and women who have shared their difficult journeys.
    A couple of months ago I discovered that my husband was having an emotional affair. He was engaging in sexting and FaceTime sex with a women that he knew. For a side hustle, he taught music lessons on the weekends. His masssage therapist ( from a chiropractic office) began lessons weekly in her home. Almost immediately, his lessons began to run long. Additionally, he would go to her house to help her with home repairs ( as he is a contractor by profession and she is a single working mother who I figured could use a hand in difficult home repairs I thought nothing of it). She, however, never paid him for his services instead traded his work for a back massage( naively, I thought that this was absolutely fine as I trusted him).
    She had a child around the same age as ours , and to give me a few hours of alone time , he brought her along to several music lessons for the kids to play. For this reason, he blamed the lessons for being extra long ( longer than before). The lessons and the home repair help lasted several months. Then, both slowly stopped. I wondered why and my husband said that she was now engaged and her fiancé didn’t care for another man to be around. Still, I thought nothing of it.
    A couple of months later I found incriminating photos on his phone and evidence that they had been carrying on a relationship ( both emotionally and sexually)via phone. I was heartbroken and shocked. He was defensive and originally denied everything. But slowly began to admit his wrongdoings. He claimed that it wasn’t cheating because he never physically touched her ( which, I doubt as he was alone with her many, MANY times). Even if no physical contact happened he carrried on a relationship ( albeit friends and teacher/student) for months and months! All the while he was doing these inappropriate things and bringing our child around her. She was aware that he was married and personally knew my child and continued this ( which as a woman and mother I was very surprised).
    I have dealt with severe depression and anxiety and self esteem issues and this has taken all of those things and amplified them. Yes, I am in counseling and continue to work on myself . But th feelings of betrayal, the lies and the heartbreak keep running through my head . I don’t believe that he is being 100 percent forthcoming. We have a young child and I want to stay together for our child’s sake but this is destroying me personally. What do I do now? How do I ever forgive or forget this ? Will I ever be able to move on?
    Thanks.

    • Andrew G. Marshall says

      You need to understand why your relationship reached this dark place, learn the lessons from the infidelity (rather than forget). It is too soon to forgive as you are just at the beginning of your recovery (and you’re not entirely clear what needs to be forgiven). You can find more advice about the journey in my book ‘How can I ever trust you again.’

  30. Gayle says

    My “affair” happened some 35 years ago. We both accepted it at the time, but now that my husband has retired it has hit him hard. Unfortunately I don’t remember but 2 meetings with the other man, and to make matters worse it was his boss.
    So we moved home, to another state, and went on with our lives. I got a nursing certificate and worked for 8-9 years any time and any place and never once thought of another man or this man.
    I have no idea how to handle this so we can move on and just be happy together for our remaining years here on Earth.
    I love him with all my heart and if anything this has taught me to really appreciate who my husband is, loving, responsible, good father.
    It was hard going back to school and some college with a young family. I never got any compliments from him as he was working hard too. So instead of expecting that compliment I enjoyed his goodness from within.
    How do I get him to trust me after 35 years of things being so wonderful between us, the road sure is getting awfully rocky. Me being sorry is not cutting it for him.

    • Andrew G. Marshall says

      My suspicion is it is about something more than the affair, for example how he feels about himself. If a man’s identity has been tied up with his job, he reaches the point that he is a nobody. I could see that could bring up feelings of ‘Not only am I nobody but I am a cuckholded nobody’. So I wouldn’t aim to get him to trust you but to listen to him. Let him tell you all his woes without trying to solve them but ask question, so he opens up more and more. I wonder how these feelings go back to his childhood. It might be talking to you will be enough but I suspect he should see a professional who could help.

  31. Ashley says

    My partner cheated on me for months with her boss. They began the affair the month we made 13 years and days after my little brother committed suicide. It’s been 2 years and I can’t get over it. I have constant nightmares and I break down daily. We are in couples counseling and I see a counselor by myself along with a psychiatrist. I love her but I can’t seem to get past this.

    • Andrew G. Marshall says

      I am not surprised that you can’t get over this crisis. Your brother’s suicide is a huge event with profound consequences for you and your whole family. An affair makes you question everything about your relationship and undermines its foundations. One of these events is huge but TWO. So be patient with yourself. Make certain you are tackling both with your therapist.

  32. Ms. H says

    Dear Mr. Marshall
    Thank you for the article. I am still new to all the BS I found out this last March. Reading and researching about Emotional Affairs have helped me a little. I know it is Not my fault for husband choice. I am currently in counseling and have let husband know that he needs to go with me eventually, or it really will be the end of us. We can’t fix this on our own, especially when he threw more issues in my face when I confronted him about his “Online Affairs”. 25 years of marriage, and this was my “Anniversary” present, oh How I love Icing in the Cake

  33. Tara Turner says

    I found out about my husband’s affair one year ago. We separated the affair stopped during the separation. I started seeing someone while he was gone it was only a short period of time. I had do e everything for my marriage and since he has been back I have been see I’ll ng someone and we are almost at our one year anniversary of seeing each other. I dont feel guilty and the affair no longer hurts I just feel like I am owed this man that I am seeing. I know I need counseling but I also need my boyfriend, he is holding me together

    • Andrew G. Marshall says

      I would go for the counselling, talk everything over with your therapist and decide the next step at that point. It sounds like you are in a dark place and need support to confront the pain of your husband’s affair, find the strength to come clean about what has been happening and move forward either with your boyfriend or your husband.

  34. Tiffany says

    I’m still feeling really bad about my husbands affair. I think about it EVERY DAY, and it’s been over 4 years since I found out. I’m not sure what to do. I wish I could just forget about it. I feel tortured by it.

  35. Jules says

    My husband did all that internet stuff and had two affairs to boot. The first with a work colleague when he visited the Nottingham office of the company he worked for (apparently he wanted some fun) we were in the middle of a house move. The second was a mere 7 months after our wedding. We were supposedly happy! He couldn’t provided a valid reason for that one – safe to say she also came from Nottingham (rather convenient). I went through all the emotions, had couples councilling. But a year and a half down the line he is happy now since he has dealt with or can manage his demons. For me I’m still dealing with the pain and nothing will ever make it right. I am taking the decision. Walk away, i don’t deserve to be treated this way!

  36. Yolanda M Macaraeg says

    Dating sites. Purchasing of a packet for hookups nearby. Says he’d never thought he’d get caught and would STILL be looking for someone else, had he didn’t. Froze 3 bank cards. Stold mine as I slept. Thought he could use me for everything else, while he’d found someone else. If he’d got caught? Then he’d leave saying how he’d found someone else. Oh! But now wants to show me, through his actions that he loves me, because I’m the only one left. Who can heal from that?

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