Moving to Berlin has deepened my relationship but it has also thrown up all sorts of issues. I’ve met other couples – while out walking our dog – making similar adjustments from living abroad.
So it’s got me thinking:
- How does being an ex-pat impact on your relationship?
- What’s it like to keep moving from one country to another because of you or your partner’s job?
- What are the expat relationship problems?
I’m a marital therapist with over thirty years helping couples feel more connected and more loving. I’m the author of twenty books – including the international best seller I Love You But I’m Not in Love with You.
So here are three positive impacts on your relationship and five expat relationship problems to look out for, plus two scenarios that need extra care….
Three positives for an expat relationship
1. Sharing the excitement of exploring somewhere new together
Your relationship stays fresh if you bring new things to it. Exploring new cultures, trying new foods and having new experiences provides lots to talk about – especially if your relationship has been in a bit of rut. You discover new things about each and you’re less likely to take each other for granted.
2. Adversity can bring you closer together
We think that doing nice things together is the glue that binds us together. It’s true but only up to a point. What really makes a relationship really strong is overcoming problems together. It’s great to have someone with whom to share your woes, lick your wounds and discuss a recovery strategy.
3. You have to rely on each other more
My partner and I have done more together since moving to Germany than ever before. We have both taught workshops in Berlin and while previously we would have wished each other well – but not attended – we’ve been a smiling and supportive face in the class for each other. I think we appreciate each other’s personal qualities more too.
I certainly value my partner’s sense of direction because I can easily get lost.
Five expat relationship problems I see in my therapy office
1. The balance in your relationship changes
In every relationship, one of you is in charge of one set of things (for example, money) while the other is in charge of another (for example, family arrangements).
Normally, there is a balance so you do not feel overburdened or, at the other end of the scale, powerless. But changing countries can very easily change the whole ecosystem of your relationship and tip you into crisis.
2. You need to renegotiate issues you thought had been sorted
A new home brings new challenges. For example how warm to have the bedroom at night or how much time everyone can spend in the bathroom or how to divide up wardrobe space raise their ugly heads again.
3. Being away from family is hard
It’s not just missing your family but how isolated you feel when you’re on different time zones – just one hour difference makes it harder to catch each other in the morning or in the evening.
There is also a different level of support when you’re chatting in the kitchen – for example, cooking together – because topics come up naturally; you’ve time to examine your feelings or change the subject but then return to difficult topics.
While friends can take up the slack, you’re not going to find people with whom you can open straight away.
4. Time becomes more precious
A new country normally means a new job. There’s lot to learn and you want to impress your boss or team members. So that’s less time for your family and even when you’re physically there, your brain might still be at work.
Meanwhile, you’ve got to find a new dentist, doctor, vet for the pets and there’s nobody you trust to look after the kids yet. Just going round the supermarket takes longer because you’re not used to the logic of where they place things.
You have to work out what the labels mean. Even though I speak German, I had no idea what ‘mild’ meant when referring to yoghurt! For local bureaucracy and official documents, you’ll probably need someone to come with you and translate. It all swallows up precious time.
5. Resentment
It is the silent killer in relationships and can easily grow if you are an expat. Perhaps you followed, your partner and had to give up a good job, and you’re either not working or doing something that doesn’t use all your skills.
Your partner is at work all the time and tired when he or she comes home and resents you for wanting so much of his or her attention.
Perhaps you deal with the anxieties of a new country in a different way – perhaps you want to talk and your partner wants to ignore problems and hope they go away, or maybe the other way round – and that builds resentment too.
How to turn it round: Your communication needs to be better than ever before. That’s where I come in, I have thirty plus years helping with expat relationship problems first in London and now in Berlin.
My practice is at Wielandstrasse 14, Berlin 10629. You can contact me and my practice manager will get back to you.
If you don’t live in Berlin, I have a team of marital therapists who offer Skype work too. You can access them in the same way.
Remember, you are not alone and help is available. Talking and learning to truly listen to each other makes all the difference.
Two scenarios which need extra care
1. Spending a lot of time apart
Perhaps you can’t get a visa to be with your partner or the demands at home – like a sick mother – means you have to be back in the UK (or your home country) for great stretches of time.
Your partner says he or she is OK and it’s a great chance to catch up on work but weekends can become one long lonely stretch. There is only so many hours you can spend in the gym!
In my experience, men are particularly vulnerable because they don’t speak up about their expat relationship problems and swallow everything down. No wonder they are tempted by an affair or develop inappropriate relationships with work colleagues or start visiting prostitutes.
2. Getting too used to the expat life
You’ve done it for years. You’re used to packing up and moving somewhere new. You’re great at the expat life. However, there are junctions where you need to renegotiate – and I don’t mean a five minute conversation but months and months of discussions.
For example, the children have reached an age where they might need to return to the UK for their secondary education, your youngest has gone off to university and you’re facing an empty nest or your latest posting is completely different (and one of you hates the idea).
All too often these decisions are rushed and I discover a slab of resentment from one or both parties – normally after there has been infidelity.
How to turn it round: I have a lot of experience in helping couples recover from affairs. I have written two international best sellers and I’m currently writing a third book.
I offer a week of intensive therapy where you can see me once or twice a day. It is the ideal way to get off the merry-go-round, focus on your marriage and decide if it can be saved or not.
My practice is at Wielandstrasse 14, Berlin 10629. You can contact me and my practice manager will get back to you.
If intensive work is not practical for you, I have a team of marital therapists who offer Skype work too. You can access them in the same way.
hal Ginsberg says
Big Problem. My wife has been in the USA for 6 years. We are married one year and both in second marriages. I am retiring in 3 years. She ants to move back to UK fulltime (family grankids) and I don’t. I have suggested 6 months here and six months. there. Or even 8 months there and 4 months here, to no avail. She wants one house not a house and maybe a condo here. I have two older sons, not married. She has parents, 2 grown daughters, 2 grandkids and one on the way. This seems like a no win situation . She feels that I owe it to herebecause she stayed with me here after her divorces. Any ideas?
Andrew G. Marshall says
Listen to her and get her to explain exactly what she means by owe. Ask questions so you completely understand it from her point of view. Repeat back what you believe is her case, so you are 100% percent certain about everything. When she feels truly heard by you, and you understand her case (and what is like for her to be in the US, she will be ready to hear how you feel and to start to negotiate.)
Angelique Brassington says
I have been in the Uk for 17 years. Me and my husband are both South African. We had a good marriage 15 years with the usual up and downs that come from living so far from family. But we made it work. My husband’s career is very demanding and I was and in a way still a stay at home mom. My husband’s work brought us to Wales from Surrey. He was working here in 2017 on his own with me coming to Wales every other weekend and he going down to Surry the alternative weekend. Not having family around and just us we decided to move to Wales because we where having problems in our relationship. Me resenting him not being at home and living a bachelor’s life in Wales. Me at home taking care of the kids and sorting out all the problems going on in every day life. Also I was lonely and missing him. I hate sleeping on my own. So fast forward we decided to move to Wales he has now pointed out I decided to move to Wales which I love in 2018 February. It was quite stressful but the boys loved their school and made friends with easy my youngest had a couple of months rough but I loved the school and I found it very supportive.
So me and my husband where having problems. His job is high pressured and very demanding he would always be on his phone sorting out one problem after another. Not that it change much from when we where in Surrey.
But things between us was going from bad to worst. We had no sex life he said he was under loads of pressure at work and didn’t feel like it. We where going out with his different work friends and just well what I thought fun I got a tad bratty he said when I got drunk I know I tend to be a bit over excited when I have to meet new people but I was also very unhappy. He spent all his time talking shop and I had to listen to all his coworkers how wonderful he is. He was becoming more and more distant. We would have great days but they became few and far between I started to drown my sorrows and loneliness in wine which I started doing in Surrey. I know I am not blameless but when my mom died and me going through the change and Matt working the way he was. I realised I did feel left behind. In Wales I was hoping to recapture us again. My husband turned 40 last year I threw a brilliant party for him every one was talking about it for months. That was April. June he started to become more and more distant I found out later he phoned his mom who lives in NZ when she knew she wanted to leave his dad. So he never spoke to me each time I tried to have a conversation with him he would say he is under a lot of pressure and that he was working so hard for us. And being shouted at tends to make me withdraw. I was earning good money thanks to a job my husband secured through his work. So I wasn’t so financially relaying on him. But the thing is he would go to this management in powering days which are like 20 minutes away from our house or £25 in a cab and stay the night over in hotels. One of them was a day before we where supposed to leave for our holidays. I told him to catch a cab and come home. He drove in he said he was just going to do the team building section and dinner and come home. He stayed the night in the hotel. With the distance we have been going through and living in a country with no family and friends that are new. I don’t make friends easy because I don’t trust people. It never bothered me before because I had Matt for the first time in my life I felt isolated. We had a big fight about the hole thing I didn’t speak to him until we where setting up camp and I made peace with it. But then his behaviour started to get more guarded and secretive he was constantly on his phone with a goofy smile on his face and when I asked what’s so funny he would say just some or other funny txt he was send.
We had a argument about what was going on in because we would have great days then he would started to acted weird again. He pointed out to me that he doesn’t like going out with me because I tend to get bratty. So I drank less and never suggested where to go next when we went out. So another work function to celebrate the completion of something that never been done before every one was in high spirits and I didn’t drink to much minded my manners listen to every one sing my husband’s praises. I should of known then I hardly saw him later that night and one of the girls he works closely with was always around him. I didn’t think anything of it because I trusted him. How naive of me. Some people came home with us. Because I didn’t drink so much I was tired and went to bed. The next morning things were strange in the house he was snappy and the others were overly animated. I put it down to lack of sleep. But I should of realised. He hocked up with her.
Fast forward November the 15 his gran dies. I was out with the girls. He never rang to tell me when he found out. When he did ring I thought he was on his way to a friends birthday party in Surrey to tell me she died that I had to go home and tell the boys. Well let’s put it this way I was seriously drunk because He wasn’t there and I was unhappy that he was going out that night I didn’t have much food in me because the place was jammed and our food was late well enough excuses. I said no he can go home to the boys and tell them thinking he just found out. Well I must say it wasn’t one of my greatest moments. I didn’t know he was already up north that he found out at 12. So what can I say. That’s the day my marriage came to a end and I didn’t even realise.
We went through the hole thing my feelings where hurt and I felt betrayed and angry with him because he kept pushing me away. For not telling me what’s wrong. The answer was always the same work and he is doing everything for us our future. He never wants us to end up like our respective families. Now in hindsight we are becoming more like repeating our parents stories than anything else.
So December I know things are coming to a point I had spoken to my aunt in SA and realised my drinking isn’t helping any so I stop drinking I go to gym and I wait. He is more distant and very angry with me but I don’t know what to do. Xmas party and that’s the day I find out that he is having an affair. I wasn’t drinking. But I was waiting because I knew I would get the answer I needed. And I did. In spades. I realised that day that my husband was human. I did jump a head of myself here. We have been arguing the week before. Basically I had no ambition, I drank to much I was a princess and expect everything my way. Us moving to Wales was a big mistake and that I never supported him the hole time. It’s always about me. Must say I told him he was being selfish, distant and going through a midlife crisis. Having an affair never entered my thoughts process although I did tell him he was acting like my dad when he was sleeping around. He hates my father. And he did react not well to that statement. Ow how looking back I should of realised. Xmas party he was talking to her she had her hand up his shirt stroking his skin and he was looking at her with a look on his face that was my special look. When he looked up and realised I have noticed them he could not get her hands off him fast enough and then he had an argument with her. I went to the bar and had a drink.
Well let’s say things didn’t get better I never confronted him on our way home or there. I did at a later stage but he denied everything but I knew he was lying to me. My family was breaking up right in front of me. He didn’t want to go to counselling he wanted to move out. Well let’s say the affair went into full swing in December me and the boys where basically left to the side. Probably one of the worst Xmas in our lives. I was in full blown shock. I never thought it would happen to us I had no family here and my world was falling around me. His mom was coming from NZ to stay with us. He moved out but he wanted her to stay with me. His mom is hard work and not very good at making a person feel good in themselves. I was so tranced that I said it’s fine I spoke to my aunt and my best friend about it and they all said no she must stay with Matt. Which was good because I don’t think I could of handled her in the house with what was going on. I went to work every day I saw them together but apparently they weren’t having an affair or sleeping together. He moved out officially on the 15 th of February my mom’s birthday and the end of my marriage I was traumatised in shock and well let’s say I don’t remember much but what I do remember wasn’t very nice him telling me it’s very easy to sleep with someone else. His mom telling me to stop with the theatrics and understand that he doesn’t love me anymore in the middle of a restaurant we go to quite frequently and she has one of those voices you can hear a mile away even when she is whispering. Sitting around this table watching my boys trying to be upbeat but it wasn’t. The sadness was there. I send myself and my boys to counselling so they had a safe place to come to terms with what was going on. And me to get over the shock. Fast forward we decided to be friendly for the boys sake so I didn’t overreact or anything I was still working but not very well I was in a daze most of the time. With the counselling and antidepressant I started to take note again of the world. My hart was still painful but I could at lest have a conversation with someone. My boss she became one of my greatest boost she helped me when the boys was at his she didn’t like me on my own so we went out. Must say most of it was probably spending talking about him. She could not believe it either and also put it down to a midlife crisis. I followed everyone’s advice like on autopilot. Made some really stupid choices but I had no- one really there to tell me to watch what I spend to focus on. The boys where spending the mid holiday with him because his mom is there and he took the time off. I was starting to get into a good place where I could function again. I kept myself safe. He would go out to the rugby and I would also be In town for the same reason we are SA and the other thing we love about Wales is their passion for rugby. And he would just pop up in what ever pub I was in I would move on and go to another and there he would be again. I didn’t realise my friend was telling him where we are going. I eventually went home it happened on a couple of occasions. But that’s the thing he wanted the brake up not me. He hated going out with me but he was always there. I didn’t go out that much I started going to the theatre something I loved doing he didn’t so we never went. I took the boys and their friends made a day of it. We did quite a lot of fun things. Then April came his birthday we had a bbq I was invited I didn’t really want to go but the boys insisted it turned out to be a nice day first time in a long time he supported me and shut his mom down. When I started feeling uncomfortable I would go home. So we spent more time together. So he apologises and ask if we can give it another go my hart was so full of joy. I told him yes the boys where happy. I told him he needs to be honest with me and he admitted he did have an affair with her but it’s all over he broke it off I was what he wanted. So here we go he moves back in at the end off may and all things are fine she keeps coming into the office even though she works in another building and has no rhyme or reason to be there but yes she is there. I am listening to a radio show it was very funny I glance up with a smile on my face when she’s in the room I tend to ignore her for my sanity and I don’t like making seance and I would never embarrass him by acting badly. He calls me to a side office to tell me off for smiling at her and rubbing in that they broke up. My jaw dropped to the floor. And guess what he was starting up with her again I would get messages on messenger to say they where seen out at a restaurant that they where still together. He said it’s lies but I could see he was lying he said she was seeing someone else. Strange thing is she left her family for him and she has young children and one is special.
Well here we go again it was basically not even 4 weeks and he was back with her. On the secret. His sisters came from all over the world to help him during this hard time. This was planned before he moved back in. So I had a house full of women my world was falling apart and I am the bad guy who never appreciated what he has done for me how lucky I was to be a stay at home mom that I was given that opportunity. They tend not to realise how painful it is to ask him for money I had to justify where every penny went. And living in Surrey isn’t cheap. I use to teach spin and aerobic classes for extra money and that was fine because I could do that around the boy’s and if there was problems at school I could help out. I also use to volunteer at the school for different projects. But yes I loved being an at home mom. I like being active and working in an office never appealed to me. Like he said I had no ambition. My ambition was the family unit. You don’t get money for it but watching my boys grow, laugh and be there for the tears was my reward.
I realised now also I have become maybe a little socially scared I keep having to step into my ego caricature to go out. It was getting worse. I wasn’t drinking much. I was crying every day so the hole of June July was waterworks in retro I think I was in mental meltdown. I was still working in his office. My councillor asked me what was the one thing I wanted to do my answer was yoga Teacher I was going to yoga every night to get away from the house. So she said why don’t you do it. I did I went online search and I went to Corfu in October and became a yoga teacher. He paid for the course I paid for my ticket and the deposit. But we where still living in the same house. I went I was getting back to myself for the first time I was feeling like myself again. While there we where communicating and talking. FaceTime each other and having a good laugh. He asked if I would reconsider taking him back I said I was warily he might do it to me again. I said he isn’t seeing her anymore and he has realised that I was the one he loved that our lives was filled with so much love and he was just under so much pressure of pleasing everyone he lost sight of what was most important us. So I took him back. I came back end of October 2 weeks and we are back at he needs to find himself again. He is staying away and telling lies again. I live abroad if I was at home I would of packed my bags and gone to my family and sort something out for myself from there. Here I have no where to go. Strange thing is I came back to no job. So no job just got qualified as a yoga instructor and I am working in a pub now for Xmas I am doing some yoga cover classes. And my husband wants to find himself again when we where talking about it I said it wasn’t going to be easy we have to much pain and betrayal getting the trust back. It’s going to take awhile. But he said yes and we are important. I sit here tipping this out thinking what am I going to do. I suggest we go to counselling he had one booked that do’s Skype calling. He went 4×4 when he was supposed to have spoken to them. Thanks
Andrew G. Marshall says
I think you should look at my new book ‘Why did I cheat’ (It comes out January 2020) It sounds like he is full in affair brain and does not know if he is coming or going. I explain more about affair brain in the book. Perhaps he will look at it and reading it will help him get his thoughts together. Whatever happens, you should go to counselling yourself. It really sounds like you need someone to talk to, bounce off ideas and work out what to do next.
Nicky says
Hi
I’ve been married for more than 25yrs , my husband have just told me , he impregnated another woman and he’s going to marry her, and i asked him why he has done that ,is there any problem in our marriage , he said no problem, this lady helped him when he needed help and they were ended up sleeping and now she’s 1 month pregnant. I told him the way i feel about the situation that i am not prepared and won’t be able to be with him if he’s going to take the second wife. He says he loves me and not prepared to lose me and we have 4 children together. Please help what do i do and how do i handle the situation.Thanks
Andrew G. Marshall says
You have to be clear about how you feel. He might WANT both of you but it’s up to you to decide what is right for you.