When you’re in pain, you just want it to be over straight away
However in the rush to feel better, it’s easy to think that if you’re still stuck that your relationship has been irreconcilably damaged rather than you’ve been REALLY hurt by infidelity.
Six signs that you might need more help getting over an affair
1. Every argument turns into a row about the affair
It might start about ‘why didn’t you put the top back on the orange juice’ but it soon becomes an interrogation about some aspect of the affair.
2. You truly can’t understand why he or she was unfaithful
Your partner has tried a million times but you come back to the same question: How could you have done this to me?
3. You’re keeping things back for fear of rocking the boat
There’s lots of issues that you’d like to discuss or questions that you’d like to ask but you know it will cause a row. However, holding onto them is making you resentful and angry and that’s bad for your relationship too.
4. You’re worried that you’re boring your friends
It seems that all you talk about is your anger or your upset or what he or she has done now. What happened to the fun person you used to be?
5. You’re angry with yourself that you’re no over it or think there’s something wrong with you
It takes much longer than most people imagine to recover from an affair, certainly months and in some cases a couple of years to truly stop thinking about it every day.
6. You’re full of feelings of revenge
You keep thinking why should the other woman or other man escape all the pain and humiliation and spend hours thinking of ways to feel better by making them feel worse.
If you recognise any of these signs, you’re not alone
Everybody struggles to put an affair behind them – and people who throw their partner’s out, don’t escape the heart ache either (in my experience, they take the pain onto the next relationship or ruin their dates by getting paranoid and expecting rejection or becoming engrossed in stories about how much they hate their ex.)
If you’ve ticked three of more of my signs, it sounds like you need more help. This could be couple counselling or individual work.
- What signs made you think that you needed more help?
- What did you get and how did it help?
Please share your experiences by posting comments below.
Speaks to me says
Generally, I think I’m doing pretty well but I know I need more help.
First because we never discuss the affair, which hasn’t even been acknowledge as an affair, nor is there any inclination to do so (which I understand from my partners perspective). However, this has left me feeling alone, unable to explain why I’m really upset at times, and it’s as if everything is being quietly dropped. In addition, there has been no apology or one ounce of remorse, probably because that would be an admission in and of itself.
I’m afraid to say anything because raising it would induce so much shame and guilt in my partner they would probably not be able to deal with it (past experience tells me this) so I just carry on and I don’t even say anything in our marriage counselling.
On top of that there is very little intimacy and sex is off the table so I immediately think something is wrong with me, which only adds to my anxiety and sexual jealousy too.
I literally can’t escape the affair and although things are much better between my partner and I, I am still very angry and upset. I often think, what did I ever do to deserve this.
Andrew G Marshall says
I am concerned that you’re not able to say anything at all about the affair but understand how difficult that might be.
So let’s imagine for a second that you could say anything you wanted. What would that be? Write it down and get it all out on paper. Next cross out anything that you don’t really mean because it was in the heat of the moment (as it all spilled out). Once you’re left with what you WANT to say, look at what might be POSSIBLE to say.
Could you use your therapy to communicate this? Could you use your therapy to raise that there is stuff you want to say – but are afraid. It could be that in a safe environment your partner will hear this material because it might be better addressed directly rather than leaking out through body language or your partner being aware of something unspoken (which can be frightening in itself but your partner is probably imagining the worst)
Kelly says
I am certainly in a bad place at the moment and this really helps. I’ve not been with my partner long and although I have no concrete evidence of a physical affair I know he massages a lot of women and is on dating sites. I have tried talking, arguing and ignoring but it seems only to my own detriment.
He won’t answer a straight question even when I’ve tried your tips too. He denies he’s ever cheated but I cannot make sense of his actions and its lead to major insecurities and now I’d say I’m obsessing. I have gone through his personal phones and emails and I only end up in a worse position (plus he hates me for prying) I am about to go to a therapist just to try and sort out my own head as I just cannot trust him. He works away a lot and each time we are not together I wonder who he’s with. I’ve never been like this in the past and I feel I’ve lost myself in the relationship.
Is it possible to repair when only one of you seeks help. He’s not interested and firmly blames my prying stating I have misunderstood. My gut tells me otherwise…..thoughts anyone?
Andrew G Marshall says
What concerns me is that you’re putting a lot of energy into trying to repair this relationship but he’s doing nothing. It sounds like you’re more committed to this relationship than him – by a long chalk. I would use your therapy to understand if this is a pattern and why you put up with what – from your account – sounds like a one-sided relationship
C says
Some of the points above really resonate with me. Its been 19 months since discovering my husbands affair and not at all easy but we are both doing really well considering. At this stage now I am finding it difficult, I understand the reasons for the affair, I don’t excuse them, but I understand them. What I am finding is that every day I am thinking about them both, I have tried to exchange that with a positive thought, kind of “change the subject”, I have tried talking to him but we’ve gotten to the point where he is saying “we’ve gone over and over this”, and I’ve tried exploring why I am doing this to myself, even though often times I’m in the thought before I know it. It doesn’t help that they still work together, not daily, but once a week and two additional days every 1 week in 3. I don’t know whether this is holding me back. I have never confronted her nor told her husband and I wonder if the resentment that her life just went back to normal(it was an 18 months affair) and she didn’t “pay” the price for what she has done. I have seen my husband’s pain. Do you believe that its possible to make the marriage work if the other woman is still around in one way or another. I know that they don’t have any kind of relationship now, other than communication about work if need be. Regards C
Andrew G. Marshall says
I definitely believe that it is possible to recover – even if your husband and the affair partner are still working together. (Fortunately, there is not daily contact for you). However, I would question whether she has ‘paid’ or not. Generally, I find the OW will be beating herself up inside: how could I have been so stupid to fall for a married man. They will have lots of regrets and might even be thinking ‘why wasn’t I enough’. Even if she has – in the words of many of my clients whose partner has cheated – ‘got away scot free’, I don’t think that’s a win for her either. In effect, she has learnt nothing from the experience and will probably make the same sort of mistakes – all over again. Whatever the circumstances, rather than worrying about her, I would focus more one: what can I learn, how can I grow. So please read my book: Wake Up and Change on this subject
Sami-K says
I’m having a really difficult time dealing with my husbands emotional affairs. At least he says they were never physical. I still have nightmares about him cheating. It’s been almost 4 years since the first offence. Over one year since he spent an entire night chatting to women on the internet. He claims he hasn’t done anything since and that he never will but he has said this before.
A little background. We met online and after 6 months of being exclusive I came to the UK and lived with him for 6 months before going back to the US. He proposed a few nights before I had to go back. While I was abroad, our relationship began to fall apart within a couple of weeks. He no longer seemed to care about my feelings and didn’t put much effort in resolving our issues. He began to spend time with his male and female students that he had been teaching in a small group setting. They would go out drinking. He lied to me about the woman being there and he lied about going out with them. He told me he was with his mom on one occasion. I feel in my heart he crossed the line but he has never confessed to doing so. We still got married and forward 9 months after long distance, I moved to the UK. I have been here over 2.5 years now. After the online thing Last year January is when we visited our first counsellor. We have seen a couple counsellors but none seem to focus on the issue. They seem to focus on our daily fighting. The relationship has been on descend ever since we became engaged. Things are only getting worse with each day. My husband doesn’t seem to care about my feelings at all. He has always been unwilling to give the full details and has been very vague. I feel he needs to do things to atone and prove he has learned from his mistakes. I feel that he should want to fixed our relationship but he seems to have an attitude that I owe him something vs the other way around. Now he plans to start teaching a woman in her late twenties (we are in our early 30’s) one to one lessons lasting 4 hours each day for 4 days a week. This is supposed to last 1 month or so. He plans to teach her in our home alone. I am feeling very anxious and insecure about it. He hasn’t put in the work to earn my trust or fix our marriage. I can see this developing into something. I am just distraught over it. We need the money immediately. Could you please help me with some advise on how I should handle this? I understand that cheating comes with repeat exposure to the same person. I know our relationship is not strong enough to handle this and I just know she will be a temptation for him.
Andrew G. Marshall says
I am sorry to hear about your problems. The good news is that you have a clear idea of what your husband needs to do to fix your relationship. The bad news is that you have no idea what he thinks would resolve the problems (or if you do, you’ve not shared it). So my guess is that you’re fighting for your vision of healing and he’s fighting for his – no wonder you’re having daily rows. So how could you break the deadlock? Have a look at adult-to-adult communication, it’s in Wake Up and Change Your Life. Ask him: how could we move forward? Listen to his answer, ask questions about it, repeat back what you hear (without editorialising) and discuss how it could work. Afterwards, he will be more likely to listen to your version. Finally, see if there is something from each plan that you can both adopt.
Nina says
My husband and I have been living in different countries for 3 1/2 years. We both decided to move back together in one place, I quit my job, left my family, my studies and joined him in his new position. Six months ago, I sensed there was something going on in his life, a female co-worker kept calling him, and he wouldn’t answer, he refused to show me his mobile, etc. He swore left and right there was nothing going on and I chose to believe him because I had no evidence, I wasn’t sure how deep his relationship with her was (I never expected him to be the type that could sleep with another woman) , and he had left the country (beginning of 2016) where he was having the affair.
A month and a half ago there was a company event, and she flew in. He told me he had to travel for a meeting. I had a bad feeling and I found out that he had spent that night with her (1 year after leaving the country he was in with her). I confronted him and he lied up until I cornered him with the evidence, then he confessed about his 2 1/2 year affair, I asked him to break up with her in front of me and he did it over the phone.
I left the house for about a month to clear my thoughts and I decided to give him a chance because our marriage was shaky in the first place.
Problem 1: He didn’t get rid of everything related to her (he deleted her from some social media after I requested it several times, he still has the gifts she gave him and is “hiding it”. His excuse, he isn’t thinking about it, it didn’t cross his mind.
Problem 2: When I ask him questions about his affair he gets angry, he says its over and doesn’t want to think about it, he blames me for not trying to “get over it and move on” by trying to dig into details he “doesn’t even remember”
Problem 3: When he gets scared he lies, he tries to go around the question, and then he finds a way to turn things against me and again blame me for not trying to “move on”
Problem 4: I’m finding it very difficult to move on.
Problem 5: I’m finding it very difficult to believe that a 2 1/2 year affair ended by simply a phone call. He swears that there has been no contact ever since. He said the relationship between him and her was dying and that the last thing that happened was just a really big mistake.
My emotions are still very unstable at the moment. He wants our relationship to work, he says he loves me and that we can work things out, he promises that he doesn’t want to have anything to do with her and that he is glad it’s over. Mostly it’s fear that overwhelms me.
1. Fear that he is still lying even though he swears to tell the truth, but he did the same thing the first time
2. Fear that he keeps things from me so that “he doesn’t make things worse”
3. Fear that he does it again if she pursues him, or after a while feels secure about our relationship and goes back to his affair
One moment things are fine, the next i’m a mess. I don’t know if this normal, how it will go on. He is losing patience and he says that we keep on going in circles and that it’s not healthy and doesn’t help.
Andrew G. Marshall says
This is it completely normal to have all those fears. Look at my book ‘How can I ever trust you again’ where I explain the stages of recovery. You could also read through the other posts on this website and the comments and I’m sure you’ll find yourself nodding along. Unfortunately, your husband’s reactions are equally normal: ie wanting to move on as quickly as possible, because he is ashamed of his behaviour and to forget what happened. However, moving on too quickly is just as harmful as going round in circles and getting stuck. Why? Because he will not have learnt anything from this experience. For example, he might need to learn to say what he thinks (rather than people want to hear). You’ll both need to improve your communication but my books will help with that too.
John says
How can you not forget, when all you can bring up is, you know what happens in affairs, and you can’t get the mental images out of your brain? I stayed because after 40 some years, the love I had was past words. It was heartbreakingly devastating to discover not just one person but at least 3 or more. I totally last any vestige of manhood, and walk as an empty nothing with her now, until I die. This is my life. Sad.
Andrew G. Marshall says
I can think of nothing worse than being an empty nothing. It is certainly a sign that you need more help. So what’s going on? I wonder why you’re not more angry. My guess is that you were not allowed to get angry as a child and it’s been a way of life. However, anger can be positive, it brings about a sense that something needs to change and provides energy. What little anger there is has been turned inwards and become depression. Perhaps it would be a good idea to talk to your doctor.
Tricia says
Suspected someone else for a while, I asked, he denied it. Checked phone records and it was proof he was talking excessively to 2 women. I confronted him again, he said they were customers and it was work related. I even contacted the 2 women, both denied anything other than business related. He recently admitted having an affair with one of the women, for 5 1/2 years. Gave me details even without asking. Said he felt horrible about it and said he wants to save our marriage. I’ve known now for almost 2 months….when I first found out I felt sorry for him, blamed myself and told him we would do whatever it took to save our marriage. Some days I feel he’s trying yet a lot of his ways have not changed. I do have password to his phone now but he can delete what he doesn’t want me to see. He will still tell me things are none of my business, as far as, who he’s with, talks to…
The hurt of the broken trust is almost unbearable. I feel I tip toe around him afraid he will do it again.
One month and one day from him confessing, I checked his phone and he had contacted her again, talked off and on throughout the day for over 2 hours. He said he was sorry and wouldn’t contact her again. Just not sure I can ever trust him again!?! After almost 21 years of marriage, this is a nightmare. I’m in counseling now, really don’t think it’s the right counselor for me. He has gone once, different counseling place, but right now he’s not willing to meet together.
Andrew G. Marshall says
He is still stuck in the fog of the affair if he’s telling you that ‘it’s none of your business who he talks to’ but hopefully his counsellor will help him to look at the full implications of what he has done (rather than minimising and rationalising). I wouldn’t be too worried that he’s not ready for couple counselling – especially if he is genuinely working on understanding his behaviour with his counsellor and what lead him to being unfaithful (rather than simply going through the motions). I am, however, concerned that you don’t think you have found the right counsellor. If you still feel the same way, please end and find someone who is a better fit and with whom you do feel comfortable. The right counsellor could help you be ready for joint counselling – so you’ve had a chance to get over your shock and began to take stock of your marriage. At that point, the two of you will be in an excellent place to make the most out of couple counselling
Penny says
I am only part way to understanding how this happened. I think about it every day and there is a like a shadow that follows me all the time. I want to get revenge and hurt the other woman – ruin her life. Why should she not feel this tremendous pain? we have had counselling and we are good together but I am still waking in fear every day. I have stopped crying every day now though.
Andrew G. Marshall says
It takes time to recover from an affair. Be patient with yourself and keeping reading because the more you understand, the easier it becomes to find a way forward.
IJ says
In December 2016, I realised my marriage was a mascarade. I’ve been together with my husband for 16 years (married for 8 years), 2 young kids. We both have good and well paid jobs with lots of responsibilities . The first years of our couple were truly nice, we were lovers and best friends. But I always had the impression that he was putting up a mask on public ( seductive with both men and women, a little bit pretentious) that he was not opening emotionally which after a few years, caused some problems in our sexual life. I sometimes had the impression I was considered as an sex object which led to some distance between us. His behaviour in public also gave me some thoughts. Despite this, my husband asked to marry me, I accepted and we had a happy wedding 2008. 2009 came my first child and the serious problems began. My husband worked a lot ( already before our marriage) and had difficulties taking responsibilities outside the workplace. I had a post partum depression and I felt abandoned by him although I tried desperately to have his support. He sometimes did some efforts and I saw he loved and cared for his son, so I thought it was just a bad phase. In 2011 we bought a plot of land, started to plan a house and I was pregnant of our 2nd child. We had to face financial issues because of the house but my husband pretended this was going to be ok… he would have to work more. During my pregnancy, my husband started to act egocentrically, leaving me alone with the whole planning of the house, our little son and my fulltime job, always telling me he had too much work. He also had a new friend, a guy who throw with money around him and regularly cheating on his wife with prostitutes when on business trip. When my daughter came in 2012, my husband didn’t even take a few days to be with us. I was so shocked, especially since my little girl was born with a problem on the foot which obliged me to go every day to the physiotherapist. I also had my fulltime job and was supervising the building of our house.
I tried to talk to my husband, telling him I was exhausted, that I was missing him and that I was feeling alone in my couple. Our sex life was like a desert by that time even if he alwazs told me I was desirable (the only compliment he was able to make in years). He made a slight effort which vanished in 3 weeks time. In 2013, I discovered that he had contact with his ex-girlfriend. He had already been talking about her weeks before and I sensed something. I decided to search his mobile and found out they had exchanged a few text messages (not sexual, but a bit flirty). I decided to ask my husband about his intentions with his ex and he started getting angry, telling me there was nothing… I engaged a serious discussion about he future of our couple, our sex life and my husband promised to make some real efforts (me too). He said that he was working 16hours a day and he was feeling empty, he was feeling no joy no pain. I suggested he should start a therapy, but he never made a step towards this. I pointed out that it was hard for me to make efforts in our sex life for I had to much to handle and that I was really frustrated because of his lack of emotion, time and affection towards me. His efforts lasted only a few months… I was resigned and wanted to get out of the couple knowing something was wrong and that he was lying to me but I was too busy working on many things (house building, job, kids) and we just had made a big loan for the new house. I was feeling trapped! I switched on to robot-mode, loosing myself and falling slowly into depression. My husband saw me going down but was only rationalising when I was talking about my emotions and my pain. Total lack of empathy! Beginning 2016, my gynaecologist told me I had an aggressive HPV. I was shocked but had a small surgery which went out well. HPV seems to be gone by now. Asking my gynaecologist where the HPV came from and if it was a proof that my husband was cheating, he said I shouldn’t bother so much… When I confronted my husband with this, he aggressively put the blame on me asking me if I had a lover! In december 2016, my husband was often speaking about his much younger employee, covering her with compliments! He also showed me text messages from his male friends sending him pictures of prostitutes and tinder matches. Why this?? These elements, plus the HPV made me crazy so I decided to get out of the cage in december 2016! I confronted my husband calmly with my doubts and asked him to be honest with me because of I was his wife, that I loved him and that I was the mother of his 2 children. He gaslighted me heavily for weeks ( I even went to a psychiatrist, thinking I was going nuts..) but I decided to listen to my intuition and go for a complete inquiry. I didn’t find anything compromising concerning women, porn addiction, dating apps even when I checked his computer at his workplace (I popped into his office, unannounced and made a complete search…I searched his cars, his clothes, accounts, bills, aso.). But I found out that he was taking pictures of me naked, recording and filming when we had sex without telling me. I also found out that he was geolocalising me since 2015 and regularly checking my mobile. I was shocked! Then I decided to talk to my gynaecologist again in february 2017 and insisted he had the obligation to tell me the truth about my HPV, considering that I’ve been faithful during 16 years! The gynaecologist confirmed, embarrassed, that I was right about my husband cheating. I immediately asked to get tested for AIDS and other STDs and decided to find another gynaecologist! Then I called my husbands ex-girlfriend to know if she had had an affair with him and she denied telling me that he flirted a little with her in 2013 but nothing more and that she hadn’t been interested in him anyway. Then I confronted my husband with the gynaecologist’s conclusion: he was devastated, started crying asking for his mom (who died in 2004), admitting he has been cheating once with a prostitute while on business trip with his great male cheater friend! For him it was not really cheating because he was drunk, it was in a jet-setter place where “every man does this” and there was no affection involved… a non-event! He insisted I was the love of his life and that he gaslighted me because his fear of losing everything. He feared to be abandoned. I knew there was more behind it and after insisting, he admitted 2 encounters with prostitutes in 2012 and 2014 (always while he was going out with friends and binge drinking) He even admitted he had kissed his employee the day I came to search his office! I still could’t believe this was all…although he insisted. I asked him to do some STD testing especially for HPV and asked him why he had been sleeping with hookers without protection… He said he had only unprotected oral sex with them, thinking there was no risk! A few days later, his STD test results arrived and I decided to have a look: he was diagnosed with another HPV ( me not!). This was clearly a proof that he recently had unprotected sex with someone! I called him at his office, yelling at him that he should take his clothes and leave the house until the evening and that I was filing a divorce! I was feeling desperate and revengeful! I hated him to a point that I wished he would commit suicide… The next day, he asked me to have a talk. I accepted coldly. He explained to me that he had 5 encounters with prostitutes since 2011 when he first went on business trip ( he was 4 times on business trip) with his great cheater friend. I was pregnant with our second child… When I told him that, he was shaking intensively, crying and telling me this couldn’t be possible… he couldn’t remember I was pregnant that time! I was shocked! When I told him that I had the impression that he cheated much more often he denied it. He said he had no affairs with “normal” women because it was too risky and too complicated. Talking about his employee, he said he didn’t have feelings for her and that he only kissed her out of despair and rage the day I showed up at his office to search his computer. I confronted the employee (telling her that if she had sex with my husband she should get tested fir STDs). She confirmed my husbands version… they went out for a dinner with other colleagues, drank too much and lost control. My husband stopped the fling before they went too far.
What happened since: I prepared my divorce file with a lawyer because I was scared for me and for my kids. I feared my husband was a big pervert! And then, I decided I wanted to find out who this guy really was. I needed to understand what happened. My kids were the main reason for me not running away. The disaster was so huge that I could only think of a personality disorder. I had to be careful when filing a divorce. To my surprise, my husband, who was out of the house, started a therapy with a psychiatrist after an attempt to commit suicide. He confessed to me having been abused as a child (7 years old) by one of his mother’s lovers (his brother confirmed it). He was raised by a loving but depressive mother and his father didn’t care for him (his parents separated when he was 3 months old). I knew some of his past, but he opened all at once so his childhood became very clear to me. He was crying a lot especially when he was watching the kids sleep, showing every type of emotions. He decided that he didn’t want to be that horrible person anymore and that he lied to himself so many years, loosing his values and his real personality. He was scared of showing emotions, thinking this was not “man” enough and not sexy. He said he always loved me (which is difficult to believe). He explained his encounters with hookers made him feel depressed after the act and that he wasn’t able to have an normal erection with them. He went back a few times thinking it would be better the next time, which of course was an utopia. He told me he had a tendency to be possessive and very jealous, fearing all the time I wouldn’t love him. He interpreted every single word that I said during discussions on our couple problems in a wrong way and that he was easily feeling agressed and unloved…paranoia… He wanted to show he was independent and that I could not get to him. He even tried to push me to get jealous in order to get my attention. He then got passive-aggressive, not speaking about his needs, fears and emotions, he didn’t want to be vulnerable. When the kids came, he felt like I was not exclusively available for him so he withdraw from me hoping I would get the message by reading his mind!
He did not try to blame me for all this and took full responsibility of his actions feeling very ashamed. He apologized many times, showing he was genuinely sorry.
I was sure I wanted divorce, and still think about it a lot. But aside our individual therapies, we started couple counseling which helps us understand why we were in a toxic evolution. All is closely linked to childhood. In my case, I realised I have a highly narcissistic mother and a codependent father and that I choose a life partner who has common traits with my mother. I felt so “at home” with love and hate. I became a codependent and luckily, I now found the energy and the strength to face my situation and to say NO to any kind of abuse. I want my life and my personality back. I know I deserve a lot better than all this shit!
I still struggle every day with horrible images of my husband with hookers, I have nightmares where I dream he infected me and our kids with AIDS. I’m currently starting EMDR to handle the PTSD and hope it will help me to handle my anxiety attacks. Every day it gets better.
My husband is back home because of the kids. He changed a lot in only 4 months intensive therapy and book reading and wants to continue, seeing the results. Even friends who don’t know the story noticed a big difference. He stopped playing a role…. He lost 10 kg and works part time to concentrate on his therapy. He seems to be motivated and determined to get out of his bunker scheme. He says he wants to get old with me and show that he can break the bad family habits that made him and his brother so unhappy. He wants to make his family happy and show his kids that life is not only a struggle.
This sounds all nice, but for me, something important has been broken: trust. I don’t know if I still love him although we have so many good things in common and most of all, I’m obsessed with the fear that he is still hiding information from me and that he could lose control again and hurt me if I let myself go and show him love. He asked his employee to quit for September but she’s still working with him until then… I’m happy with that. I often tell him that I still don’t believe him but he insists that he told me the truth and that he cannot proof something that didn’t happen. I can’t get rid of the impression that I lived and have children with a sentimental crook and a pervert. He’s like a stranger to me. I sometimes fear he is still manipulating me to keep me in the relationship even if we have experienced therapists around us that say we handle the situation with intelligence and courage.
After such a nasty, dangerous betrayal and the psychological abuse, can a man really change?
Is it possible for a “discoverer” to get over such a damaging experience without completely losing hope in having a respectful and loving relationship?
Should people consider cheating and lying in a relationship as “normal” nowadays ( I can see many couples around me in a similar situation)?
What about men struggling in our culture to find their balance between being sensitive and strong at the same time?
Andrew G. Marshall says
First of all, I want to congratulate you on the incredible progress that you’ve made so far. I read your post full of respect for how you’ve coped with everything that has been thrown at you but also with admiration for the way that you’ve listened to your husband and opened yourself up to listening to how he got himself into such a terrible hole. So let’s take your questions
1. Can people really change? Yes. Your husband has learnt why he has emotional void and is no longer throwing rubbish into it – ie: prostitutes – in the vain hope of filling it. You’ve learnt about why you put up with a less than satisfactory marriage and instead of just blaming looked at your part. Well done. It sounds to me like you’ve changed. (But I would like you both to look at my book Wake Up and Change Your Life as it will help cement and encourage these changes.)
2. Can you get over such a damaging experience? Yes. You’re getting good support. It will take time but things will improve. If I’d told you six months ago you’d be in this more positive place, you would have found it hard to believe me. (I have advice on recovering from what I call extreme betrayal in my book I can’t get over my partner’s affair)
3. Is cheating and lying normal? I don’t think so. We are just more aware because new technology means unfaithful partners are always found out.
4. Men struggling to cope with toxic images of ‘strong and silent’ manhood. I couldn’t agree more about this point and I will be trying to chip away at it in my next book (and to be honest I think combatting it is becoming one of my life goals!)
Yvonne says
I’m trying to get over my husband’s emotional affair, but i saw them as they were saying very sexual things to each other and im trying, but can’t get over it. I feel I’m just waiting for the next time. He seems to be trying. I do good for a couple of weeks, but then I feel the same , I can’t trust him.
Andrew G. Marshall says
It takes time to recover so be patient with yourself. It’s normal to feel that you can’t trust him – especially if you’re not sure why he cheated and therefore not understood why your marriage was vulnerable
Amy says
Its all my husband’s fault I had an affair he wanted to much sex.
Lisa says
I feel like I’m loosing my mind with the same questions.
Should I stay or should I go? Why did he do it? Will it happen again? Am I to blame? Why do I keep reliving the hurt? Remembering all the bad things and not the good?! Am I failing my relationship!
It’s been 5 years since the start of the affair that lasted about a year. Then he ended the relationship with me via text one day saying he didn’t know what he wanted!? I knew it was happening but he denied it until another year after our split where once again a text to confirm saying they had sex once. Well eventually it all came out and it was more than once and more than sex, lunches, trips away and so on. This was all with his ex.
Skip a few failed attempts to get back together after him doing everything to prove to me he had made a mistake.. we finally got back together 2 years ago. All was ok then I fell pregnant.. my first fear was am I’m going to be left on my own if he cheats again.
All this time there is always arguments and just sometimes there is that look where there is ReAL LoVE and we wish we could start again and forget all! I was starting to cope and gain trust then 3 weeks after baby was born he bumped into this lady in the pub and she hugged him, laughed with him and they chatted. The issue I have is the disregard he had for my feelings in knowing we agreed he had to stay away. He also lied and said at first she walked in as he walked out, which was not true as they were in there a pod hour together. She he felt he was in the wrong and felt the need to lie but then continued to stay and not think of our relationship. Anyway skip forward another year and all of a sudden the last few weeks o just feel I can’t cope with it anymore! Ive tried various ways and lots of mine to manage my thoughts but nothing has worked! Our communication is terrible and I feel this is a huge reason behind the affair and all the arguments since. I try to stay calm when I talk to him but it takes every ounce of my body and mind and it’s exhausting!
Can it ever stop! How can we clear this and start again as I believe we both want this to work or it would have ended by now!
If I could afford it Andrew I would be booking you or your team in but with money being spent already for years on this! What am I doing wrong? We should be doing it as a team but I always feel I’m the one trying to fix us.
I want to wake up and the pain to disappear and to have my physical body back again and my mind back in place.
Thank you for listening!!! I’m at breaking point and feel there is no where to go?
Andrew G. Marshall says
You’ve made a great start in your recovery. You have identified that the problem is communication – that is a real break through. You don’t have to see me or my team because everything is in my books too. So this is what I would do, start with asking: why is it so hard to keep calm when he is annoying me? I’m interested in not just the obvious (his trigger behaviour) but the more underlying stuff too (back to your childhood and your father). Look at my book ‘Wake Up and Change Your Life’ it will help you understand the legacy from the past and give concrete steps on how to deal with them. It has the nine maxims that I teach all my clients and these will help too. Then move onto my books on infidelity, they will show that you’re not alone and sadly your husband behaves likes lots of other men – not because he’s bad but sadly he does not understand how to deal with his emotions (because men are trained to ignore them). Good luck, keep learning and your will find where to go next.
Lisa says
Thank you for taking the time to reply!! I will be sure to go to your books for guidance on moving forward as this has to end one way on another I need to move into a better place!
Beck says
My husband revealed he was having an affair in February 2015. He moved out in May that year. I was devastated but determined not to let it be the end. He was suffering with depression and found it very difficult but we worked hard and 2years later he moved back in. It took him just less than 2 years to cut contact with the other woman. She had apparently become a friend and from what I understood she was almost like an emotional prop for him. He says he didn’t talk about us with her but she was an important friend to him as he has so few other friends. He finally realised I couldn’t trust him with her and broke it off with her. I believe him when he says he hasn’t been in touch since.
When he moved back in, things were amazing. I felt so loved as he constantly showered me with affection and was always telling me how much he loves me. I was also very affectionate with him and it was great. That was like the honeymoon period and now things are getting back to normal i feel like we are struggling. I find myself questioning what he’s doing on his phone (he plays games on it a lot) and questioning whether or not he loves me. We have 2 children so we don’t always have a lot of 1-1 time apart from evenings. I feel like I need a lot of reassurance and it worries me when we have disagreements. We have been working through a marriage dvd which has helped to a certain extent. I know it seems silly but I said to him one night that I’ll love him forever and he couldn’t say it back. We’ve talked about it and he said it’s nothing to worry about. He wants to be with me for the rest of our lives but can’t say he’ll love me forever. We had a bit of an argument yesterday where he got annoyed at me for bottling things up and hiding things for fear of upsetting him. We somehow go on to talking about her (we usually avoid talking about her) and he clearly misses her – misses the friendship he had with her. I couldn’t cope with that friendship being started up again, I don’t think we as a couple could cope with it either. But this was the first I knew about him missing her. I thought she was in the past and no longer a part of his thoughts. He doesn’t have any friends he could talk to this about, I’d like him to open up to me about it but I worry that I’d get very emotional. How can I help him and my own insecurities so that we can move forward? We have come so far, I don’t want to lose him now.
Andrew G. Marshall says
It takes time to recover from an affair, so I’m not surprised that you need extra reassurance and he sometimes misses his affair partner. It is natural for these feelings to trial off gradually – not just end dead when contact is stopped. However, it doesn’t mean that he wants to go back to her. It sounds like he needs some male friends – rather than pouring out everything to you. Does he have a brother or sister to whom he could talk over his problems. It might seems strange at first but he’ll be amazed at how it will deepen these relationships. Don’t beat yourself up that he doesn’t want to pour his heart out to you – it’s one of the unhelpful myths about love that we have to be EVERYTHING to each other. You need to let off steam to your girl friends and he needs to do the same with ‘safe’ friends. You might also look at some of my books – like How can I ever trust you again and I can’t get over my partner’s affair – because they will help you realise that these feelings are all part of the natural recovery process.
Lynn says
We are doing well getting through the affair my husband had with my friend that I found out about overa year ago. It went on for around 15 years they say it was just sex! We are both retired married for nearly 45 years I am doing really well he is the person I love and want to stay with he is s ashamecd disgusted a dsorry for what he has done. I still cannot understand how he did it for so long and the things that go on in affair land we went to relate as h suggested right at the start (which saved him). And I did go to a therapist for councillorg. I have problems with number plates on cars as this is the whole period when it happened as the new number plates were issued we wen on holiday all over the world as a foursome It would take too long to explain also dates. As I feel it brings back to me that they were tgether all those years. Any advice please
Andrew G. Marshall says
It is natural to be triggered by small things – like a new number plate – which reminds you of the horror of the affair. Fifteen years is also a long time and the OW being a friend just doubles up the pain. (If you want to know more about extreme betrayal – like yours – have a look at my book ‘I can’t get over my partner’s affair’. You will find lots of people in similar situations and you won’t feel quite so alone. I think you should also consider going to couple therapy. Your husband sounds genuinely remorseful – which is great – but I suspect that you’re having the same conversations, over and over again. If you get professional advice, it will be easier to break the loop.
Julianne Jacobson says
Andrew,
My husband and I have been married for over 21 years now. A year ago, my daughter came to me with an FB page open on her phone- asking who this woman was and why she would be sending her father texts with hearts and stating how hot he is. This situation wasn’t a huge surprise. I knew he had met someone in the summer who is friends with his college friends, that had attended the same school, at the same time, but had never met. I knew they were flirty. I knew they were in communication of some type. I had looked at her profile myself-knew it well enough to recognize it immediately. I had checked for messages, but found nothing. It honestly never occurred to me to check his phone or the phone bill.
Instead of reading up or asking for help, I confronted him that night. I wasn’t yelling, crying or argumentative, but I had come to the conclusion that the situation was more than just a spark, if it had come to her sending texts indicating she was falling in love with him and he hadn’t nipped it in the bud, then he must be falling or already in love with her as well. I put my wedding rings in his hand and told him he was free to pursue this relationship. I honestly did not see this as an ultimatum at the time. I simply felt if he loved her, then that is where he should be instead of hiding and lying.
He did not deny the situation, but he did evade and minimize. Due to the distance we live from her and knowing there was not a time for them to have met up since that first meeting, I am reasonably sure that nothing physical ever happened. There was a moment at the end of the night where he knew she was waiting to see if he would make a move, try to kiss her and he left w/o doing so. This was a moment of acknowledged attraction, after a long day of flirting between two adults. I never expected my husband or myself to never be attracted to anyone else- I did however, expect that there would be enough respect for one another that the proper steps to insure a clear line would be drawn and our marriage would be protected. I would be protected.
You may be thinking it was, since he did not act in that moment. However, he reached out to this woman by text shortly after they met. They progressed from the usual getting to know each other and exploring a new friendship to discussing what could have happened in that moment had he been single. Supposedly, she asked questions; “Would you have kissed me? What would it have been like? Would you have used your hands, pushed me up against my car?” He answered with things like; “Well we could have, but we didn’t” and “Yes” to the other more detailed questions. These scenarios were run many times over the next 5 months. They progressed their communication from texts to include phone calls. There were more than 1500 texts per month. Some of the phone calls lasted well over an hour.
He says that he never engaged in anything that would move their relationship into a more ‘real’ venue. She sent him songs that she said reminded her of them. She told him about gifts she thought of buying him and stated she considered them more than friends when he had labeled them as such in conversation. She even went as far as laying out a plan for them to be able to meet up over a weekend we would be in the area again to make that kiss happen. All of this, she supposedly presumed w/o his doing anything other than not ending their communication. He states he told her that he loved me, that he did not ever want a divorce or have any intentions of leaving me several times over those months. The only thing he claims to have ever said/texted that was negative about me or our marriage is that we had opposite work schedules and were not able to spend much time together, which is true. He claims to have been entirely encouraging to her to get out into the dating game.
None of this information was freely given. I searched phone records. I cried, attacked and railed. I basically had to have proof or randomly declare statements that hit dead-on or state things so over the top it shocked him into telling me. I believe he would not have told me any of it had I not. Each time I dug, more was revealed.
He did cut off their contact right away the night I confronted him. On his own. I did not ask him to. (other than the rings) He has not contacted her again as far as I can tell. He has been remorseful, loving and done almost everything he can to build my trust again. Yes, there have been a few times I badgered him beyond reason and he got angry back-but truly, he seems to really want to stay married. Yet, I keep finding myself wondering if there are more lies. And the lies just feel like more betrayals. More disrespect. So, I dig and he is attacked. This is now the pattern of our lives.
I have read numerous articles and books. Including a few of yours. He has as well. We have been to two different therapists, together and a part. Both therapists always want to address me, like my anger and hurt is more than it should be. They take him at his word about what the affair meant to him and only want to explore me, my childhood, my background and my anger. I do recognize the importance of all of that. However, what I really need are answers and understanding. The articles and books address things in a generalized way and almost always talk about a physical affair or men who do not cut off contact or who mourn the loss of the relationship with the OW. Men who do not know where/who they want to be with. My husband seems to only mourn the hurt he caused our daughter, me, our marriage and the loss of trust we now have. He has little to no caring for the OW. He feels badly she may have suffered some hurt, but feels he made things clear enough during their communication. Don’t get me wrong, he wishes good things and a happy life for her, he simply doesn’t express any real empathy or interest.
Great right? Perfect right? Ideal situation for rebuilding trust. Yet, it isn’t. I do not understand the very basics of the relationship. The puzzle does not make sense. The pieces do not fit. I keep feeling he is still minimizing and therefore, still lying. It’s like we are at the point where anything more that happened seems to him as if it will be too much for me to forgive or is quite frankly, too ugly for him to admit to.
He tells me “It did mean anything. It was a fantasy, like a 976 number. Yes, I found her attractive, but I did not have any intentions of getting together with her. I liked the fact that she wanted me, but I did not want her. I never thought I was putting our marriage at risk. We never sexted, had phone sex, sent sexy pictures or exchanged anything more than the kiss that never happened. I never asked her like questions about what she would have done during such a kiss or embellished on my answers. I never brought it up. I only answered as if this were a scenario that could have happened if I were single. I always ended these exchanges by stating ‘But, I’m married’. I did not use endearments with her. I did not share my hopes and dreams. I never thought of it as a romantic relationship. I loved and wanted you, not her. I never thought of her as a prospect for my future. I never felt like I was falling in love. It was an ego boost. A conversation. Fun. Words on a phone. A time filler. He cut her off only when he got caught though. Had no desire to do so prior. He was fine lying to me, keeping secrets, betraying our marriage and family to keep this relationship going. What does this say? What does it truly, bare bones mean? Is he lying or could he have had so little regard for anyone other than himself during that time?
By necessity, we were living rather divided lives. The only time we had off together was when we planned for some trip, or something big was going on. Our work schedules were very different. 12 to 14 hours per day for me were taken up by two jobs and my commute. I did not have 2 days in a row off very often. I can see we were both a bit detached and lonely. Our daughter had left for college. He was about to turn 45. There were hard conversations we needed to have and avoided. That is all true. I have my part in that.
I have changed jobs twice since March to get us on the same schedule. Boundaries have been laid out. He has given me full access to all accounts, devices and so on. Yet, I feel stuck. I keep coming back to the same questions. In no particular order; 1. Was he out of our marriage, moving on- falling in love? I mean really, why perpetuate the relationship if he had no intention of pursuing it? 2. How do you treat someone you love, respect and want to be with in such a manner over and over and over? 3. Do I really know the full story? How can we ever heal when I cannot believe and if I cannot believe how can trust be rebuilt? 4. What does his treatment of her since disclosure mean? 5. Can I find the strength to be vulnerable? It seems that is the only way to move forward. I have to find a way to love more, but I can only seem to be brave enough to try for a few days to a week or so at a time before everything eats away at me yet again.
Thank you. JAJ
Andrew G. Marshall says
I will do my best to explain why your husband behaved in this manner but my suspicion is my answers are not going to be good enough for you. Firstly, you are hoping that if you UNDERSTAND the pain will go away and that’s not how recovery works. There is no magic bullet, just hard work – which I will explain in a moment. Secondly, you would never behave like this so you can’t truly step into his shoes and look out of his eyes because it would seem too alien. So pair yourself the pain and the effort…
So let me take your main questions and try my best…
Why perpetuate the emotional affair if he’s not going to pursue it? Something in his life did not add up. It could be his job. He might have been generally directionless. He had issues with his marriage but does not know how to articulate them (or is frightened of anger). Perhaps there were unresolved issues from his childhood…. You’d think he would try and sort them out but men are trained to keep busy and not think about emotional stuff (and we’re ‘supposed’ to sort our own problems out any way – although we’re given no training for it). So he’s kept his head down, distracted and kept going…. but he needs bigger and bigger distractions until she comes along and provides an escape fantasy. He doesn’t give it up because it makes him feel better – in the same way that the hair of a dog seems to cure a hangover.
How could he treat you so badly? Compartmentalisation. He tells himself what happens here has no impact over there. So it won’t hurt you! It’s just for him!! I know it’s wrong and stupid. But you only asked how. It doesn’t make it right.
Will you ever know the full story? It doesn’t matter. Who cares about the details of their elaborate fantasy? What matters is how committed he is to finding out what was at the bottom of his unhappiness, growing and changing. Is he prepared to work on your marriage, so you can tackle all the small issues that haven’t been sorted and built in his mind into a big problem. Can you communicate effectively so problems don’t fester?
Can you heal? Yes. If the two of you do the work. Slowly, the trust and respect will return but that’s the end of the journey not the beginning.
I explain more in ‘How can I ever trust you again’ and I have countless other books that will help him understand himself better and the two of you rebuild your marriage.
Leigh says
Dear Andrew
I am 28 years old and my husband and I were married for 6 months when he had an affair. I went overseas for business and the day after I left, he invited a colleague to our apartment for coffee. Somehow things escalated, but it all seems too convenient to me.
It has now been 3 weeks since finding out. He has said the occasional “I’m sorry” over SMS and he arranges meeting points and times to see each other, but I do not feel any remorse coming from him. I have tried to research what remorse looks like, but I don’t see it. He has said that they have stopped all contact, but they work together. Every time we meet, he becomes aggressive and swears in his talking to me. A psychologist I saw said that it sounds like he does not have the capacity to show remorse as his emotions, besides aggression, are under developed. I have been told that I might have to lick my own wounds and recover on my own, but I feel like I will only be able to move forward with him if he shows some kind of remorse, otherwise how do I know that he understands that what he did was wrong? Why doesn’t he want to do all that he can? He just keeps saying I must move back home so that we can make this ‘work’, but he won’t deal with the affair itself first. I want to have hope that our marriage can survive this, but the signs seem too strong that this will not work. If I get help on my own, I feel like I am telling him “it’s okay, you can do this again, I’ve got my own back”.
I think I understand why he did this, but I have asked him why he did it, had a week to process it but then did it again (and again and again) instead of calling it off. He just says that he doesn’t know. I am struggling to accept that.
Andrew G. Marshall says
What a horrible discovery. I can only begin to imagine the pain. I’m afraid I’ve heard this story many times before and I’m afraid your husband is behaving in a very typical way. Men are trained to come up with solutions – rather than talk about their feelings. Hence his ‘plan’ to save the marriage involves ACTION. When they can’t process their feelings, or are overwhelmed, they get angry. Very few people who have been unfaithful understand why they were unfaithful – beyond giving you their justifications (like I was unhappy). It takes time and help for most men to get behind the obvious and find the REAL drivers. The more you talk about him, the more like a regular GUY he sounds. So I would be very surprised if he cannot show remorse. He sounds completely ‘normal’ to me. My concern would be whether he could show it in a format that will make you feel better. That’s because there is a lot of changes from him and for your marriage before you are going to feel safe again. So where do you go from here? Your marriage can recover but it will take time and learning. I have books that will help. Start with ‘How can I ever trust you again?’ and you might like to join my support so you don’t feel so alone. It is a big journey that you are about to launch on, it will be painful but ultimately it will be very rewarding. https://andrewgmarshall.com/andrew-g-marshalls-infidelity-survival-training-and-support-group-launch/
Mary says
I am still very upset, a female coworker is texting him and he lied to me and said it was his dad then he deleted messages from her and he says he did it cause he didn’t want me to feel insecure but that he has to talk to her for work, he says I’m being insecure and crazy and makes me feel worse, instead of trying to comfort and reassure me. He said he isn’t going to talk about this and has left and we haven’t spoke all day today, it’s hurtful
Andrew G. Marshall says
He is having an affair. He is a bubble where everything feels good and he wants to stay there. So he will lie and go on the attack. You need to learn, read and prepare for what comes next. I have a couple of books on the topic and there are many sites on the internet. You might also like to consider joining my support group I have one piece of advice… however much he BLAMES you, it is about HIM and HIS problems.
Livy Ann M. Nario says
The affair of my husband and his mistress have been going on and off for almost two years already.
I discovered the affair and asked him why he cheated. He said that I am not being sensitive to his needs, that I am boring, I could not live up to his activities like waking up early in the morning to bike or being absent in the office (like emergency leave) to spend time with him. I admitted that I was at fault why this happened because when I got promoted from work, I neglected him and the intimacy lessened.
I tried to make our marriage work by doing what pleases him but he could not see my effort or even appreciate it. I saw that he tried also to make our marriage work half heartedly because I believe he fell in love with his mistress. All my efforts to make them stay away from each other failed.
Actually, my husband even begged me to agree with his affair and I agreed for four months but I could not bear it. Hence, I asked my husband to choose between me and his mistress but he could not decide. Maybe he is hesitant to directly say to me that he is in love with his mistress.
I decided to separate with my husband which he later on agreed. Our children already knew about this. We are under the same roof but separated. For two months, we have separate bedrooms. I do not join in meals or movie etc.
Right now, I’m experiencing self pity because I saw that he is happy but I feel miserable and hurt.
Andrew G. Marshall says
When you asked him WHY he cheated, he told you HOW he cheated. By which, I mean the justifications he told himself that allowed him to look at himself in the mirror. It sounds like he wants the pleasures of being married (staying in the house and being with his children) and the pleasures of an affair (seeing the OW whenever he wants). No wonder you feel miserable and hurt. It sounds like it is time to have a proper separation: he leaves the house and you have some calm, some space and some time to think about what you want next.