A Reader Writes…
I knew me and my wife were having problems and we were growing emotionally and sexually distant because I was a bit jealous and controlling. I think I was this way because my ex wife cheated on me.
My wife has told me she felt like she could never earn my trust and never had it since the beginning of our relationship. She told me she thought she wanted a divorce and begun staying with a friend.
After about a month she came home and said she realized she loved me and wanted to work it out. She kept staying with her girlfriends and going out though and acting distant. I did some research by checking her Facebook and found out she slept with another man while she was drunk. She then slept with him a second time sober to see if there was something there. The second time she felt disgusted and sad.
She said it made her miss me and realize she loved me and had messed up our marriage and that is why she couldn’t come home and face me. We are trying hard to get over this but I’m having trouble forgetting that my wife slept with another man. Please help me with some advice.
Andrew Replies…
The simple answer is that you don’t try and forget! You are having those thoughts and feelings for a good reason. In effect, there was something wrong with your relationship and in particular your behaviour that needs to change.
Lots of men try and sweep everything under the carpet—which is impossible—or blank out their pain by going into a new relationship (which you need last time and just bought the suspicion into the new relationship).
So I want you to take a two prong approach. Look at How Can I Ever Trust You Again? as it will show these jealous feelings are normal and how to deal with them.
Next, I want you to understand where your insecurities come from. Learn to Love Yourself Enough will show how to build up your self-esteem and cut down on trying to control your partner (which is the least loving thing we can do our beloved).
Finally, rebuilding your sex life can also help you turn round a marriage after infidelity and I’ve included a section on this topic in Make Love Like a Prairie Vole.
Photography by Chris James Dade.
Chandra afrizal says
I’m trying but still hard to forget so hard? I forgive my wife but my feeling not the same way than before? I’m trying very hard for my children. I hope you can help me more pls?
Andrew G. Marshall says
Make a list of the things that are upsetting you and making it hard to move on. When you’ve finished, cross out anything which is less importance now you’ve got it out of your head and onto paper. Take one of the remaining items, tell you’re wife that you’re having problems and ask if you can talk it over with her. Afterwards thank her and set aside some time on another occasion to talk about another. Good luck
Lee says
She sleeps with someone else and the advice is that he has to change. Nothing about her wrong at all no?
Andrew G. Marshall says
Plenty ‘wrong’ with her behaviour and she needs to do a lot of work to understand why she cheated and what changes she needs to make. But she was not writing to me, so I had no advice for her. Ultimately, the only thing under the husband’s control is his actions and his choices. That’s why I focused on what he could change (achievable) rather than providing him with a wish list of changes she could make (pointless)
Jake says
I have the images in my head every day all through the day is it possible I will just never get over it and need to move on?
Andrew G. Marshall says
Men like simple lives. We want to get over pain as quickly as possible so we try and make the answer to complicated problems as simple as possible too. We either push the pain down and try and forget (which leads to images in our head, nightmares and drinking too much) or we run away and find a new woman (which simply brings the distrust along with us into a new relationship and poisons that too). There is a third way, facing up to the pain, learning what went wrong and finding new ways of doing things. I have lots of books that will help with this mission. It takes longer but the outcomes are much better.
Julian says
I am still getting over this as it happened 13 years ago. I never really processed it and it has been on my mind since this past January. I left my wife in the middle of December 2014. By the beginning of the first week of January, I was begging her to take me back. The following week, she went out town and had sex with a friend of her brothers. I never really got to process it for these past 13 years. I cannot get it out my head and I am worried that I am going to go crazy.
Andrew G. Marshall says
You’re not going crazy, you just need to talk about it. I would start with a therapist so you can begin to sort out what is really hurting you from the less important details. When you’ve got it down to the most important bits, you can try and talk to your wife (because if you blurt out all the pain at once, she’ll get overwhelmed, shut down or minimise what happened). You will probably need some couple counselling too. Whatever you do, don’t wait any longer, it’s been eating away at you for long enough already.
Hasan says
It can extremely hurtful when a woman cheats on her man — the psychological differences make her cheating much worst than a man cheating (we can get into the details if you’d like). It took me a long long time to get over this… the fact that women are the ones getting fucked makes it so much harder for any man to accept his woman has been violated by another penis. Get outside, explore the world and I guarantee those feelings will fade. Meditate and realize everyone is on their own path. Focus on bettering yourself and letting life flow. Honestly this may be the best life lesson you ever receive.
Jane says
Not true husbands cheating is terrible
John says
So wrong. I’m a man and my wife as well as most of my good friend girls would throw out their husband if he would be cheating on them.
One of the closer friends had already set up the divorce agreement and asked her husband to sign after he met with a girl (no sex, just talking and having fun together) too many times while having to work out of town for an extended period of time. He refused and likely learned his lesson… but she told me that the romantic relationship is over. Sure there are other issues, like being away for over 3 years with only short visits back home take their toll. She agrees to stay with him because of their son.
Krona says
Hi, for me its the other way round. I did not like this guy or take much notice of him until he began to take notice of me. I had a boyfriend back then and he suddenly behaved awkwardly towards me, avoiding me , etc. When I began to take notice of him(after he asked me to be together), I began to sink deeper and deeper and realized I had developed real feelings for him. I have even began to spend nights over at his house(but no sexual intercourse) . How should I even forgive myself for doing these? I tried to forget him but realized I had really fallen for him.
Tyrone says
My wife and I are having marriage problems. I know everything is my fault because all the pain and suffering I caused her over the year’s. I had shut down on her and gave her silence treatment. Until recently she met guy friend that would listen to her and she wanted to go fishing with him. She was to go for just day but in up gone almost 4 days. And then finally came home cause she had to go to work. She had told me she slept with this person and that she liked him. I told her I forgive her and I still want to work on our marriage. I know a lot of this my own fault
Andrew G. Marshall says
When she comes back from work and you have time, you need to LISTEN to her too. How does she feel about what has happened? What is going to happen next? What will be the impact on her, on you and your marriage? Don’t interrupt. Don’t try to solve the problems or make them go away… just listen and listen some more. Ask questions and listen some more. My suspicion is that you will find listening hard because already you are trying to move this thing on. For example, by forgiving her before you have heard what has happened. Great that you want to work on the marriage. You will learn a lot about yourself and the marriage but that starts with LISTENING… to her and yourself (because you might not be ready to forgive just yet)
ScoobyDoo says
Tyrone, FWIW you’re not alone. I was that guy too. I had an emotional affair (we liked each other but no intercourse) with a woman 9 years ago. We went to counseling and things improved for a while. I was still bitter and now realize that I was blaming her for every issue in my life, most of which had nothing to do with her. I was shutdown, non-communicative, bitter, didn’t come to bed with her for years. About 4 years ago, she tells me now, she started surfing p0rn and had “phone relationships” with at least one guy. She met someone in ’14 and ended up sleeping with him many times until I confronted her in Aug of 2018. In the past, I too felt that everything wrong with the marriage was my fault. While I do take responsibility for MY actions, I refuse to take responsibility for HER actions. That is where you need to draw the line. SHE chose to cheat on you. Yes, you pushed her into a tough choice but it was HER CHOICE, NOT YOURS. You cannot take the blame for what she is responsible for.
In my case, we both want to reconcile but I don’t know how I can ever trust her again. I’m tired of monitoring her email, GPS location, etc. to see what’s she is doing but it’s the only way I can get any sleep. I also ask her about every phone call where I do not recognize the number. She’s now very upset with me but I feel she is the one who created this lack of trust. We’re in couples counseling and I’m in personal counseling as well. It’s helping but I still don’t see a way to trust her again without spying.
Andrew G. Marshall says
Glad you are making good progress but you might like to consider my Infidelity Survival Training and Support Group which starts October 2018. Details coming soon.
Alan says
You know it’s hard to believe a cheater. I have gone to the cheater forums and the women brag the sex is the best they have ever had. Then when they get caught they tell their spouse the opposite. I went through the same thing. Her affair lasted 11/2 years. And I got stories how he was small, had erectile dysfunction, wasn’t very good, never had an orgasm…. And my marriage counselor said well, just believe her…. really? Am I being played for a fool? Is this how counseling works?
Andrew G. Marshall says
I don’t think reading cheaters forums is going to help you feel better. But if you feel like being played for a fool, tell your marriage counsellor. Get him or her to explain how ‘believing her’ will help. Open up and explain your feelings…. humiliation? Anger? Sadness? If you find you can’t talk to him or her or feel that you are not being listened to then perhaps you have come to the wrong person.
Kariuki says
Nice advise to me
Marvinscott says
Hello,my wife just told me she slept with this guy she has been seeing for not up to a month.though we have been separated for about 3years now,and she had never found her self with another man,and now it has happened.what should i do?we have a son,and am hurt blc she has never slept with any other man since we got married.
Andrew G. Marshall says
I am interested to know why you are upset about your wife@s behaviour – three years ago? What have you been doing with your life? If you want her back, what have you done to win her back? If your marriage is over, what has stopped you moving forward? Why are you in limbo?
Kev says
Hi there
I have been married for 15 years and have two amazing girls of 8 and 11 out marriage has been up and down for a long time because I suffer from depression and I do know living with me is not that easy but 8 days ago I found out the my wife had a one night stand with a guy while she was on a girls holiday and the only reason I found out was that I had an infection in my penis so I told my wife and said the signs indicat STD she then told me what she had done and since finding out my whole world has been destroyed the pain and hurt I feel is overwhelming I want to try and make this work but I can’t get the images out of my head and it makes me feel physically sick and I want to leave her but my kids are what’s keeping me here . Please help me
Andrew G. Marshall says
I hope you are getting help for your depression. Speak to your doctor about your medication and whether it should be changed to cope with the pain and hurt of the discovery. When you are feeling stronger you could talk to your wife and try to find a way forward. If it is too much go away for a few days but it would be a shame too make a hasty decision based on the intensity of your feelings today. It could be that if your wife is supportive and you are determined that they will subside down to a more manageable level. Look at some of the books on infidelity and they will explain the journey to recovery. I have one called ‘how can I ever trust you again.’
Ian says
My wife of 9 yrs confessed of a sexual affair that lasted one and half years, she has given me 3 versions of the story and swore there was no more to it. I have gone further to investigate and now have found out who the guy is and got worked up. We have only talked about her third confession once as she gets worked up when I bring up the issue claiming we are marktiming, despite deciding to try and move on, I am somehow convinced there’s more to her story as she cannot remember how the affair started while I feel this will bring out the bigger picture.
Having given me 3 unconvincing confessions I am tempted to approach this guy who is also married for his version of the affair just for my piece of mind as I feel like I am going crazy.
Andrew G. Marshall says
Let’s imagine that you did approach him. Let’s put aside the fact that he will not give you the most neutral version (and he might even put the most hurtful twist on things or make things up). But if he did tell you something else, how would that help rebuild your marriage? It would make your wife feel completely shamed and humiliated. You would feel better for perhaps two minutes, what next? Wouldn’t it be better to find out WHY she was unfaithful and, if you are interested in staying together, fixing the underlying problems?
well she robert says
after discovering that my wife had sex with a man, I forced to tell me the truth, and she told me that she had sex with that man once but forced sex so the man a still asking her for more sex and she has refused to offer sex to him again. she has apologised several times but my heart has refused to accept her apology, we are married with four kids
advice
Andrew G. Marshall says
So your heart has refused to accept the apology. What would make it feel better? And what would your head say?
Mzwandile says
I am battling with the feeling I cannot be able to explain after find whatsapp messages of my wife and another man talking about sex .I’m not sure whether they slept or not coz I didn’t read all of it.now I’m scared of that
Andrew G. Marshall says
I think it would be really helpful to name this feelings. Fear. Anger. Hatred. Sadness. Locate where they are in your body so that grounds you. Next you have to talk to your wife. Tell her how you are feeling and ask for an explanation. If she say it is nothing (which is normally the defence.) Ask again calmly. If she goes on the attack (and tells you you’re making it up), still stay calm because shouting or losing your temper will get none of the information you need. Try again: if there is a problem, I would really like to know so we can see if it can be fixed. If you would rather be with him, I would like to know, so I know my options. Explore and understand before you ACT.
Kage says
Jealous is a mental disorder brought on by years of brainwashing. Sex is a natural pleasure act eith all things. Look at how people dress and act today. Not too long ago you would have shocked people and be publicly if not criminally persecuted. Casual sex for the pure enjoyment is only bad in the minds of the jealous or religious zelots. Let you spouse enjoy themself and look at it as a complete and total massage and major stress reducer. If people truly love each other they would support each other in finding pleasure. Love Onp
Andrew G. Marshall says
If any body reading this post would like to know more about this suggestion, I would suggest reading a book called ‘The Ethical Slut’ which talks about how to cope with jealousy and the ins and outs of open relationships. They are hard to make work but the authors of this book show it can be done.
Scotty-Boy says
Myself included. The main reasons majority men are having hard time to accept that ex girlfriend or wife cheated with another man. Suppose “I have 5 inch 5 inch thick. She found one with 10 inch long 6.5 thick. Her pussy stretched to extreme orgasm and so heavenly orgasm in many men’s thoughts. Thoughts of her lust and real orgasm from another man killing those men who love their SO that cheated against her man to another.
Andrew G. Marshall says
I have spent thirty plus years counselling couples and listened to thousands of women talk about sex and I seldom come across women who care about the size of their partner’s penis. They make love to the whole man not just one part of him. I suspect it is more an obsession of men rather than women.
Fred Upton says
My wife cheated on me about 7 years ago. They had sex 2 times before I figured it out, but what really bothered me was the fact for 6 months before that, they were talking every day and sharing secrets and having an emotional affair. Honestly, that was worse to me than the fact they slept together. 7 years later, we are still together, but I am telling you this…it’s not what we had before, and I’m fairly certain after all these years that the stinging sensation still lingers enough for me to just simply look at her differently. I like having her in my life, and enjoy her company, but this is, at best, a roommate situation. I have accepted this, and she has accepted this, but hates the fact I’m simply not in love with her anymore. It died that day, and after 7 years, it never just came back.
She did apologize, and swear it’d never happen again, and I did accept her apology because I believe she’s genuinely sorry it happened. Accepting the apology is easy…she is sorry…but that doesn’t erase what did happen. I also kind of felt like her apologizing was going to help her more, and it did. So, I guess in some way, at least one of us navigated the situation a little easier.
We spent a year in counseling, until I finally decided there was no reason to continue on with the same thing week after week because I knew in my heart it’d never be the same. I wish anyone luck if they ever have to go through this, and remember that there is no “out of the box”, cookie cutter fix…counseling may help, and I hope it will, but at the end of the day, your brain and heart will dictate what’s going to go on.
Andrew G. Marshall says
Thank for a deeply felt and honest answer.
Jemal says
Wow.It is virtually impossible to ever look at my wife in the same way after finding out that she slept with the security guard in our complex.i dont even look at her body the same,nor do I treasure her or her body the same.i even feel uncomfortable around her now.
Andrew G. Marshall says
What would help you feel better?
Jason says
Bullshit she f**ked up plain and simple drunk and sober that’s grounds for divorce. She stepped out once she will do it again.
Jose says
My wife left me she went to other city to work now she is back but I find out she had sex with a co worker she denieds everything I don’t know what to do should I try to work things out or should I get divorce what is your advise?
Andrew G. Marshall says
Keep talking to each other, start listening to each other, understand what really happened (and why). At that point, she how you feel. That’s the point to decide what to do next, it is too soon to rush into a decision.
Mossboss says
Never stay with a cheating woman. She will never respect you and will definitely cheat again. She is emotionally immature and incapable of monogamy. Trust me friend, leave her immediately.
Hassan says
I second your opinion buddy…the best thing you can do to your self is just to stay away from her…because time is the master healer of all types of wounds,if you stick by her side, you will never recover and you will end up with depression or diabetes..
Louise says
I am a woman, we women, when we love a man, we want no one but him, we want to impress him, ……etc, sex comes last. If a woman jumps out of a marriage and runs between another man’s arms is unacceptable at all. If a woman, just sought some company, someone to talk to, it would be acceptable because she is obviously looking for something missing in her marriage ( a man can forgive and fix what is missing or what he is not providing). When it comes to sex, a woman seeking sex without love is so cheap, degrading, and doesn’t differentiate her from a hoe. Sexual satisfaction comes from emotional attachment, the rest is BS. If a woman wants to hoe around, she should just ask for a divorce, finalize everything and start her cheap journey. Sex with two men in the same time is disgusting! yucky!