A Reader Writes…
I knew me and my wife were having problems and we were growing emotionally and sexually distant because I was a bit jealous and controlling. I think I was this way because my ex wife cheated on me.
My wife has told me she felt like she could never earn my trust and never had it since the beginning of our relationship. She told me she thought she wanted a divorce and begun staying with a friend.
After about a month she came home and said she realized she loved me and wanted to work it out. She kept staying with her girlfriends and going out though and acting distant. I did some research by checking her Facebook and found out she slept with another man while she was drunk. She then slept with him a second time sober to see if there was something there. The second time she felt disgusted and sad.
She said it made her miss me and realize she loved me and had messed up our marriage and that is why she couldn’t come home and face me. We are trying hard to get over this but I’m having trouble forgetting that my wife slept with another man. Please help me with some advice.
The simple answer is that you don’t try and forget! You are having those thoughts and feelings for a good reason. In effect, there was something wrong with your relationship and in particular your behaviour that needs to change.
Lots of men try and sweep everything under the carpet—which is impossible—or blank out their pain by going into a new relationship (which you need last time and just bought the suspicion into the new relationship).
So I want you to take a two prong approach. Look at How Can I Ever Trust You Again? as it will show these jealous feelings are normal and how to deal with them.
Next, I want you to understand where your insecurities come from. Learn to Love Yourself Enough will show how to build up your self-esteem and cut down on trying to control your partner (which is the least loving thing we can do our beloved).
Finally, rebuilding your sex life can also help you turn round a marriage after infidelity and I’ve included a section on this topic in Make Love Like a Prairie Vole.
Photography by Chris James Dade.