How Do I Talk to My Partner About Sex Without It Causing a Row?

The better you know someone, surely the easier it is to talk about sex? But, surprising as it may sound, the opposite is more likely to be true with your partner. Many of the couples that I counsel are left guessing what each other likes or dislikes depending on a conversation they had fifteen years ago or more, when they first met. Over the years people’s needs and desires change, but your partner won’t know if you don’t share them. So here’s how to update your sex life for the people you are today.

Don’t talk about sex in the bedroom

Although your bedroom is a private space, it is too loaded for such an intimate topic. I recommend a long car journey alone together (as less eye contact can make talking easier) or over dinner (eating can cover potentially embarrassing silences or provide thinking time).

Concentrate on the positive

We all have insecurities, so even the most innocuous statements can be heard as criticism. So ‘start with an unambiguously positive statement: ‘I really enjoy our love-making’ or remember a particularly good occasion: ‘Do you remember that four-poster bed in Paris?’ and explain what you liked.

Follow up with a question that invites your partner to think creatively: How can we build on that?

Avoid words that raise the stakes

As soon as you say ‘never’ or ‘always’, your partner will get defensive or find the one exception. Own your statements: ‘I feel’ instead of ‘You make me feel.’

Be specific as possible

Instead of saying ‘I’d like longer cuddles’ try saying ‘I’d like to cuddle for ten minutes’ or your partner could think you mean hours of foreplay. If your partner says something upsetting, ask him or her to explain, or ask a question. You might have jumped to the wrong conclusion.

Show rather than tell

A touch is worth a thousand words, so take your partner’s hand and put it where you’d like to be caressed, or use it to show when you prefer firmer or lighter pressure. When it feels good, let out a moan or a sigh so you’re giving positive reinforcement.