Why your husband thinking about the other woman is not a sign he really cares for her and not for you, but part of a natural grieving process.
A Reader Writes…
Four months ago, I discovered that my husband of 19 years had been having an affair for the past year. I was willing to ‘forgive’ and set about the business of rebuilding/recreating our marriage and on ‘discovery day’ this is what he said he wanted too.
Unfortunately, he has changed his mind five times since, this has included him coldly telling our teenage children that he’d been having an affair and was going (on two separate occasions) and conversely that he’d decided to stay. He also moved out of the family home for four weeks to live with his mistress but then decided his life was with me. Again I willingly and optimistically agreed to rebuild our marriage.
We have been back together for nearly five weeks now and for the majority of the time things are very good. We are communicating well; we go out and do fun things together and as a family and we have spiced up our sex life. He is in the process of winding down the new home that they set up together but every time he goes to the house I feel vulnerable and uncertain as to whether he’s going to change his mind again. He admitted that he wouldn’t be disappointed if she was there and that he couldn’t “just switch off his feelings for her”. Ouch.
What is the best way for me to handle these feelings that he still has for ‘her’? I know he has ‘chosen’ me so would I be best to just let his feelings for her remain private? Should I stop asking questions which ultimately allude to answers that I don’t want to hear – although I accept that feelings don’t come with an off switch, I don’t want to hear it from him.
I feel so vulnerable that he’s going to change his mind again. I believe that we can have a brilliant future together so I’m consciously not allowing my fear to direct me to do something I know I’ll regret i.e. ask him to leave thus pre-empting any decision making on his behalf that I accept I could well be imagining. Additionally, I couldn’t be the source of any further mental trauma for the children – I feel that I would happily settle to protect their mental well being.
I guess I’d really appreciate some advice regarding how long his feelings of ‘love’ for her are likely to last once their shared rental home has been wound-up. I’d also appreciate guidance on how to handle my feelings of pain that he does still have feelings for her. If you could throw in a pearl of wisdom on how to conquer vulnerability that would be brilliant!
Andrew Replies…
Hopefully, you’ve finished HCIETYA again and read the section about yo-yo partners. However, it sounds like your husband has discovered that once the affair bubble bursts that there is not a lot of ‘real’ feelings left behind.
So how long will the ‘feelings’ last? My hope is that they have all ready fallen off the cliff (where lust, secrecy and bubble world pumps up everything to massive proportions). However, I would not be concerned if he finds himself ‘thinking’ about her from time-to-time. Looking back at the relationship and reviewing what happened (and wondering how much was fantasy and how much reality) is all part of the healing process . In effect, you need to mourn for something before you can let it go.
My hope would be that slowly over the next three months, she will slowly drop out of this thoughts (and then days will pass by without thinking about her). My fear is that it will take you a LOT longer to forget her. In this way, the danger is more from how you react – rather than what’s going on his head. If he can report contact – for example over winding up the flat or random emails from her – without getting an explosion of tears or accusations, you will be able to deal with this as a team (rather than him going back to keeping secrets or more accurately being economical with the truth.)
Whenever, you’re feeling down use that energy to keep learning about yourself and why your marriage was vulnerable – rather than obsessing about her – and you’ll be able to change this from something dangerous into an asset for your relationship. If you’re looking for further reading, I would recommend: Help your partner say yes, Build a life long love affair and Resolve your difference.
Pepper says
My husband was having an affair with an employee 12 years younger. He has denied denied denied. It was very secretive but as they became closer other fellow employees and a boss began to notice something was going on. My husband started to lock his phone and take her on over night trips. Although he has never admitted it he did leave his job and we have moved two hours away.(still not far enough) It has taken him a couple of years to warm up to me. My trouble is that he will not talk openly about what made him have the affair. I need some heart felt honesty here. How can we work on our marriage when all he wants to do is sweep it under the carpet. I don’t trust him as far as I can throw him!! I feel Ike he is protecting himself and her. Is it possible to make this work if all the chips aren’t on the table. I have a suspicion that he has done this before. I see him as a serial cheater. Any thoughts?
Andrew G. Marshall says
You seem to be at stalemate. He thinks that keeping quiet about what happened with this woman will save his marriage and you can’t trust him unless he opens up. It does not sounds like a recipe for a happy relationship. What would happen if you put the dilemma in this neutral way and asked him to discuss how the two of you could break the deadlock? I would hope that if you saw a third party – a therapist – he or she could help you negotiate a way forward.
Rhonda says
I am experiencing something very similar. Husband of 15 years moved out with OW for about 3 months and came home about 6 weeks ago, for which I am very grateful, however, he says his heart told him not to move home but his head prevailed. We are getting along pretty well, having dinners, and dates. I too am worried that he might pack up at any moment, as he is still in contact with her. The difference with the story above is that we are not having sex. It seems he has not let her go and says he hopes these feelings come back for me and thus is not interested in having sex. My therapist says these feelings can come back. She told me not to worry at all about the other woman and simply focus on the two of us but how can I do this when he still has intense feelings for her?
Andrew G. Marshall says
I can understand why alarm bells are ringing. His heart wants to be with the OW and his head wants to be with you. He wants to keep talking to the OW and yet hopes to get his feelings back for you. It sounds like his plan for resolving all this is a few nice times with you, avoiding arguments (by sweet talking both you and probably the OW) and hoping for the best. I doubt it will work. The two of you need to understand why your marriage reached this dark place, look at the changes you need to make and learn to argue effectively. Why argue better? It sounds to me a classic case of ‘I love you but I’m not in love with you’ which got so bad that it converted into ‘I love someone else’. Why do people reach ILYB? They avoid arguments, they rationalise away their upset and close down their feelings – because who likes a row. Guess what you can’t pick and chose your feelings, you don’t just close the nasty ones (like anger) but the nice ones (like love) too. So I think you need a plan about how to fix your marriage because pretending it’s OK is not going to work. Read books. See a couple therapist. You will discover he’s probably very angry. No problem with that because I’d like your to get in touch with your anger too. Anger brings all the issues up to the surface where they can be fixed. And the good news…. once the anger has burnt itself out comes love and hope. In the meantime, try to focus on what you can change (yourself and how you communicate) and less on his feelings for the OW (which you can’t). I hope my books will help, I have several which will speak to where you are at the moment.
Peaches says
Well my husband cheated on me with this woman for 3 years not to mention he lived with her for 1 year. During that time he remained addicted to cracks so during one of his binges (drugs and rented out her car), he contacted me and I went to his rescue. I assisted him for getting rehab. So after that I allowed him to come back. Everything was going Great until I discovered him searching her whereabouts on Facebook ( all day everyday). I really feel he’s going to go back, but she has him blocked from communication. What should I do? We have 3 children who will be lefted to suffer because when he’s with her he looses contact. Please give me spme advice. Thanks in Advance.
jt says
my husband has decide to come back to the family but he said he does not have a choice as he has house n kids to consider. he has broken up with the woman, their affair last about 5months. now my husband doesn’t look at me or talk alot. he finds me scary. and his heart is so much pain n hurt from breaking up with the woman. he said he will be with me and the family and will not go back to her. but he the guilt of ruining this woman is killing him. he has no mood for anything now. our conversations are so short and sometimes even just a few words. but he is full of worry for the woman during the night that makes him couldnt sleep well at night as he had block off all contacts with the woman. he said he still have feeling for me but he finds me scary now. so do you think this relationship still can be salvage?
Lillian leal says
I lied to my husband about my. Sexual past for months. When he brought it up 7 years after being together I made a mess of our marriage because I couldn’t. Be honest I broke his trust but then he started getting secretive with his phone and just recently found out he was having an emotional affair where it got to making out and 3 or 4 dates he says I pushed him away and she was basically doing what I should have been doing which is being there for him. He has told me he loves me and doesn’t wanna lose me or our children but he does care about her. I reached out to her and I made things worse with him he got angry and I got confused I feel blame , sadness, and worthless but I have agreed and so has he to the road to forgiveness any advice on how to start
Help says
My husband has admitted to a 3 month affair in which he developed feelings for his co worker and slept with her around 4 times.
Initially he was conflicted and seemed to think he’s made his bed so he had to stay with her, then saying he loved me, then he was t sure what or why he was doing this.
He’s now agreed to come home, he’s sleeping on the sofa, has quit his job and he went to hers to cut ties and pick up his things he’s left there, he came home after a long while visibly upset and drinking wine from a bottle.
He told me he is upset but he does want me
I’m still petrified he’s going to disappear back to her or he’ll mope for years
I’ve also thought why she was so attractive to him and I think it’s because she’s a younger version of me without two toddlers and with time and money to spend on herself.
It’s only been a day but is there hope? He wants to work this out as do I but is it possible to completely forget this happened or have a normal sex life again?
OW says
I was the other woman. We were working for same company, he was my boss. For 2.5 years that we worked together, nothing happened, it was strictly professional relationship with platonic admiration for him. Towards the end of my tenure at the company, I got pregnant and subsequently had a miscarriage, my husband was working out of country at that time and I had only his shoulder to lean on to. We became very deeply connected friends but in loneliness of my house, i found comfort in his arms. There was no sex but kissing and petting. He was always mindful, he is married. I was in so much pain that my own marriage had become a fact instead of a loving emotion. We used to meet, kiss often and love. One fine day out of no where he sent me a msg “Something has happened, let it be, let’s just stay aloof”, he wouldn’t even pick my phone and dropped me like a sack of potatoes. I felt horrible not because he wanted to stop talking to me but the way he treated me so badly and in such a humiliating way. I bade my goodbye (over text) and have been NC for 3 months now. The time apart has given me a lot to think about. Would I have preferred instead of my heart, his house was in shambles, no absolutely not. Whatever we had is not justifiable by anyone and it is so for a reason. The pain our respective spouses would feel on knowing about us is unfathomable. I am actually happy for him if he decided to break off ties with me for his wife, if it is for another woman, then also, he is not my problem. All I am trying to say is that you need not fear the OW. She is not necessarily evil bitch who is on prowl. She is human too. She fell for your husband for qualities that you saw and married him for. Forgive them both, They did not do it on purpose to cause you pain. It happened, Your husband and the OW need your support. Whatever they did was immoral and not right, but in setting things right, whatever heart breaks they are going through is for you.
Andrew G. Marshall says
Thank you for giving the other side of the picture. I wish you all the best for recovering from your miscarriage and repairing your heart. Have you considered finding a professional to talk to? It sounds like you could really benefit from it.
Ton says
Hello My husbands affair last one month he went to her house 5xx and said they had sex 3x . He said he had no feelings for her and no emotions at all it was just sexual. He ended the teraltion and one later she contacted me on social media saying my husband is a cheater , and she will destroy our family if she wanted to . So my question is how do I know if it was just sex ? And no emotions ? It’s my Husbands first time having an affair and he’s hmilitated with his behaviour and what he did to our family . I just keep going back and said to him how was it just sex u must of had some feelings ?
Andrew G. Marshall says
It is difficult for women to understand men and their attitude to sex. The problem is that while women have been socialised to see sex and emotions as going together, men are socialised to see them as separate (and if they comes together that’s a bonus!). The whole problem is exacerbated by porn which presents sex as a sport / fun activity – divorced about feelings. So did he have feelings? Yes, if you mean desire, pleasure, excitement. Probably not, if you mean connection, love, caring, tenderness and all the relationship feelings.
Cherisa says
I just found out that my significant other has been cheating on me for about 2 months with a coworker who is about 10 years younger than he is. We have 3 children together (ages 5, 2 and 6 months) and he says that he doesn’t love me anymore and he doesn’t think he wants to be together anymore or try to work anything out. He has blocked her from all social media and blocked her mobile number on his phone and told her that she could no longer speak with him at work or elsewhere. I don’t know if he plans on moving out or not or what the plan is at all really.
Andrew G. Marshall says
You don’t know what his plans are, because he doesn’t know himself. He is in a dark place and will probably thrash around causing more hurt to you, himself and everybody else who knows him. You need to find out what he is so unhappy he’s effectively self-harming. My guess is that it is something about having three small children under five. Have a look at my book ‘I love you but you always put me last’ and see if it provides any clues. In the meantime, get him to open up – not about the affair – but his life in general. You will begin to get – from where he is standing – what the real problem is. Clue: this woman is just a distraction.
monica says
Hi andrew, i am very sad and i dont know what I am feelig right now, I just found out last Sept 13 about my husband’s ifidelity with a band singer here in Dubai, I just arrived again here last Sept 7 with him because I am on a husband’s visa , I was very devastated that he was able to hurt me this way, we were bestfriends for 5 years and became gf/bf for the next 5 years before marrying last may 2017, he works here and I am from our home country so we never spend a long time as husband and wife then after 2 weeks he went back here to work, we have prblems as he kept on saying we always fight and i know some of it were my fault, fast forward to present i was very devastated when i caught him last Sept 13, 2018, i was crying so hard and he kept saying sorry, he said it only started last May 2018 but the truth is it startedwat before on Sept 2018, why did he have to lie still… i told him if he really love his mistress he can go with her and we can file for divorce.. he said he is going to fix this and i should give him time … he said we should build the relationship again and forget what happened he said he still loves me and he wants us to work it put again but i have no more trust.. and i dont know if i can trust hum again.. and i think he still is communicating with his mistress … how can he do this But still said that he already told the OW that they should stop it that he wants us to work together again and rebuild our relationship but he is still communcating with her through text.. he said that i should give him time to recover and go back to how we used to be… i havent told anybody yet about this… how will i believe him that he loves me and dont want me to leave and wantsto rebuild the relationship but i think he is still communcating with her… tillwhen will his feelings fade for her ….. i am so devastated and I cant believe thisis happening to me … And i think the mistress loves him so much … what should i do
Andrew G. Marshall says
Read about affairs. I have two books on the subject and there are many more. It helps to know that you are not alone and what you husband is doing is typical (taking time to stop contact) and is probably driven by guilt than love for the other woman. Of course, you can’t trust him. He has to earn that and and anyway trust comes at the end of the process – not the beginning. You might like to consider my Infidelity Survival Training and Support Group which starts October 2018. Details coming soon.
Ton says
It been 4 months since i found out about his one month affair he ended it one month prior to me finding out . He keeps saying he wants to rebuild but I don’t feel I’m at the rebuilding stage yet , I still keep asking affair questions and obsessing but about him and the other women women . He said he loves me very much and he doesn’t know why he did something so selfish , he said it was a lapse in judgement and he hates to be reminded of it daily . I talk about it daily, I want to get past this and build a health relationship like I thought we once had . I told him unless I know what motivated him to step outside the marriage and risk losing the kids and I it’s hard to move on to healing . We have talked about it everyday since February 25 the day I found out I haven’t had any peace from this yet
Andrew G. Marshall says
Why did you cheat? It’s one of the most important questions that people who discover affairs ask their partners. Sadly, they find it hard to answer because people who have affairs are often the sort who ‘act first and think second’. If you are stuck, I have two thoughts… Firstly, you might like to join my Infidelity Survival Training and Support Group (which I’m launching in September). I am offering free membership to between five and ten people while I am beta testing how it works. Let me know if you are interested and I can use your email address to contact you. Secondly, instead of asking him questions – which he seems unable to answer at the moment – ask yourself: what in my childhood has made this so particularly hurtful for me? It might offer insight into what you need to move forward and some understanding of why it has destroyed your peace of mind so completely.
Sadie Brunot says
Mummy fiancé had an affair with a co- worker .. we have been amazing for the last year better than ever & really worked in ourselves .. we have a four year old. He admitted to having confusing feelings about the other women (who he still works with). It’s extrnely hard for me to cope & know he looks her up online at times, and thinks about her but I know he loves me and wants to be with me. I don’t understand and how do I talk with him about it ? Are they real feelings? How can I help him.
Andrew G. Marshall says
Look at WHEN he needs to look her up on line. Is it after a row? Is it when he is stressed? Is it a response to a particular sort of event? Understand the triggers and then ask if there are other ways to cope with those feelings?
Is it worth it? says
My husband had an affair Sept17-Jan18. We have been together for nearly 17 years, married for 14. The affair was ended on and off a few times in Jan18, and then finally ended in Feb when we had decided on divorce and the reality of telling close family and friends dawned on him. The affair bubble had burst, he wanted to rebuild our marriage and family life. The conversations continued between husband and the third party for another few weeks, and then came to a complete cut off when they realised that these conversations were not helping anyone let go.
We have been having couples counselling with Relate, and we were “discharged” a couple of weeks ago after 10 sessions.
My problem is that the tips the counsellor has given have been great, but my husband will not consistently try to work on them. It’s almost like one week on, one week off.
The affair was an emotional one for sure, and he says he still thinks about her nearly everyday, sometimes frequently in a day. But he also doesn’t want to leave the family home and the children. He thinks that maybe he isn’t cut out for commitment and needs to be alone (but agrees that if he were to leave, he would end up seeking out the third party very soon after).
I feel that he has spent so much time formulating a story without me being his wife, that the story has become more and more realistic and complete. How can I ever have that same chance if he doesn’t try and veer his thoughts towards what we could become and what we could achieve?
Desperately seeking help…
Andrew G. Marshall says
To be honest, I think ten weeks was not enough to deal with the fall out from the affair and sort out the underlying problems (his personal ones and relationship issues). So what would I suggest? Can you do back and instead of tips for improving your marriage or getting to what your relationship could go, let’s deal with what’s in front of us. Listen to his anger. Let’s hear why he’s not cut out for commitment. What does it mean to him? How would he have to behave? Perhaps he would find my book ‘It’s not a midlife crisis, it’s an opportunity’ helpful but instead of shutting down his feelings – listen to them. He might think it is about this woman but I would be prepared to bet it is about something much deeper and until he addresses what it might be, he will be stumbling around in the dark making everybody’s live a misery – including himself.
Is it worth it? says
He left me and the kids on Sunday night. Plan is for him to stay at his parents for a couple of months, and he has assured he won’t contact the affair partner. I have given him your midlife crisis book.
I wish I knew what else I could say or do…
Andrew G. Marshall says
There is nothing you can do about his behaviour but you can look at getting yourself into a better place. Look at my book ‘Wake Up and Change Your Life: How to survive a crisis and be stronger, wiser and happier’
Julia D Espitia says
My husband have an affair with my nice. She was 16 went the affair start. Now que is 18 and my husband is 35. I do not know if my husband really love my. I notice that he is more thinking and I see that he is getting like less interesting in me. Is been a year after the affair is been discover and I still thinking he do not love me and having negative thinking about him. I’m also have the fear that he will leave me any time. I do not know his real feelings and that make me upset. I really want to know why he stay with me. My nice told me he stay with me because of our kids. I ask him and he told me he love me. I do not what to believe. What can I do yo know the truth?
Andrew G. Marshall says
Whatever reasons he stays with you, he has crossed two lines which are difficult to forgive. He is slept with a sixteen year old – who should be out having teenage fun with her contemporaries not a married man twenty years older than her. Secondly, he had sex with another member of your family – which makes it doubly hard to move on from and forget. So really, I think you’re asking the wrong questions. It shouldn’t be: does he love you, but can you forgive him and what sort of man does this and do you want him in your life?
Maryanne says
My husband of 20 years cheated with his childhood girlfriend. It was text and phone calls as she lives in a different country. When I found out he wanted to end our marriage. I told him that thats not what I want but if that’s what he wants then I can’t change his mind or feelings. He has always said he lives me. It’s been 3 months since discovery, he has not moved out and we continue to live as a couple, sex is great. Yesterday He told me he loves me and always has and does not want to lose me and to give him time to show me that he really loves me and he is done with the other woman(she is also married). He said he ended the affair 3 months ago which I do not believe. He said had feelings for her but does not love her that she reminded him of his home town and his childhood/adolecense. At this moment I’m confused, sometimes I feel like ending it then other times I feel like yes we can work this out. What hurts me is how he cares for her. He said he was unhappy and we did have problems which started after his father passed away 5 years ago. He started acting different wanting to feel younger and just being different. How do I know he will not look for her again or if he really loves me.
Andrew G. Marshall says
Bereavement and going back to childhood friends – as if they hold the key to happiness – is sadly all to familiar to me. Many I love you but I’m not in love with you crisis are also prompted by bereavement too. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be different – going to new places, trying new interests and maybe researching a new career. They are positive responses to bereavement and realising that you’re not going to live forever (and if not making your life more meaningful). I hope it will also translate into how the two of you could make your relationship better and address the unspoken problems that lurked in the corner. How do you know he won’t look at her or another woman again? You learn from this experience, you improve your communication so if he has a problem he comes to you, you listen and the two of you sort it out. I have lots of books which will help with this process….
Elnora says
When is it enough time to stop asking him if he still has feelings for the AP? It’s only been 6 months since it was broken off but it was going on for 1.5 years and we have been together for 18 years and married for 9?
Whenever I feel that he isn’t expressing how he really feels o start wondering is it because he’s thinking of her.
Andrew G. Marshall says
The problem with asking him too often about whether he still has ‘feelings’ for the AP is that each time you will remind him about her – which is not necessarily helpful if you are hoping he will forget her. The next problem is that ‘feelings’ is too big a word. It could mean ‘love’ but it could also include missing her, fondness, nostalgia, guilt (for leading her on). A better question would be: How do you feel about her? In addition, it is a natural part of a mourning process at the end of a relationship to think about the other person – the what ifs, the anger (with her) – it does not mean he is thinking of returning to her. Furthermore, the reason he is not expressing himself might have nothing to do with her. It could be that he never learnt to express his feelings properly as a child or he might just be tired of talking and want to spend some fun time with you. You might find it helpful to join my Infidelity Survival Training and Support Group where you could learn more about recovering from an affair and when it is helpful to talk to your husband and when it becomes counterproductive (and it might be better to get reassurance from the group or one of my videos or weekly virtual therapy sessions. More details at https://andrewgmarshall.com/andrew-g-marshalls-infidelity-survival-training-and-support-group-launch/
Samantha says
I caught my husband texting his mistress and they say to each other love. Does that means they are in love n he doesn’t love me anymore?
Andrew G. Marshall says
It could mean a million things. He ‘loves’ the buzz that comes from the attention. It could be a fantasy – because there is something making both of them unhappy and they are trying to blank it out.
Rina says
im married for 15 years and my husband admitted tht he had a relationship which didnt go beyong limit.it was feeling exchange as he was happy when she were around him.after few months, i have noticed some changes on his attitude which trigger me and i confronted.he admitted and promised that he no longer in that relationship.however recently im seeing him buying extra stationery when purchasing for my son and he claiming that he getting it fr his friend.it was so awkward as i know he wont buy unnecessarily as he quite stingy.at the end he admited that he getting for the lady who he had a relationship.how do i overcome, what should i be doing, the trust no longer there as i would not know what he want in reality.he still begging to trust him but i dont see sincerity as he may afraid of society that he gonna face if going after her.he may silently do things behind me and be extra cautious as he know i can sense things.i truly need advise whether should i trust him or divorce.i have 4 years old son.
Andrew G. Marshall says
Trust comes at the end of the healing journey, it is not some magic ingredient that comes at the beginning and allows the healing to start. If he is buying stationary for her, he is still having an emotional affair with her (and possibly physical). You can’t start the journey until he ends his affair. There’s more help in my group.
Ton says
My husband had an affair one month with a co worker he ended it and she went crazy and found me on social media and told me .. I was crushed we went to therapy for months and also to our local church .. I cried daily and was a mess . 10 months later my ex boyfriend from 20 years ago found me he’s married two kids and we started an affair the feelings came so fast . We have ended it . It’s crazy to say but it helped me heal in terms of not crying daily and have days that I don’t think of the affair .
I keep thinking of my ex and days I still feel angry what my husband did . Are we equal now I don’t know but I still see his as worse I would of never crossed this line if I wasn’t down and my husband didn’t do this
Advice pls .
Andrew G. Marshall says
I think you need to tell him what has happened and discuss how you both find a way out of this hole. When you have both cried and got angry with each other, perhaps you will be ready to talk about what needs to change about your relationship and how to find a way out of this hole.
Tessa says
My husband of 19 years said he was leaving & wanted a break to rethink things saying that the love has just gone. I found out he was/is cheating on me & doesn’t think I know. I don’t know how long it truly has been since he’s been doing this. I found a text that says he loves her lots. I confront him & he absolutely denies it & it angers him that I could even think of such a thing. He’s currently at his parents saying “that I fix me & you fix you & this will give us time to clear our heads.” But he’s still cheating! And to make things worse he’s cheating on an ex coworker of mine. She’s filling his head with negative thoughts & lies about me! He’s lying about so many things to his family & to me just to be with her. And of course his family thinks he’s innocent & that things will get better between us. How can it get better if this third person is around? And he denies it? And he’s lying ? He seems like he can’t stand to be around me but when he is still calls me ‘baby’ & says he loves me? Any advice on what I should do?
Andrew G. Marshall says
Of course, he’s lying! That’s what people who are having affairs do. They lie to their spouse, their lover and themselves. No wonder, he needs ‘time to clear his head’. So what do you do? You don’t panic and act hastily. You think through what you want, what the options are and get an idea of what will happen next. I suggest reading my book ‘My husband doesn’t love me and he’s texting someone else.’ In the meantime, keep proof of any evidence you uncover and get ready to confront him – when you are ready.
JC says
I’m in love with a married man. We had an affair last year. It only stopped because his wife was starting to catch on. It was way more than good sex. We had true connection. Emotional love. We were great for one another but he won’t leave her. We kind of work together. I have to see him. We work in same building The affair ended in December it’s been 4 months my feelings have not changed. He is fighting his. I know he cares ( I think) and he still wants me but he is trying to do the right thing and stay faithful and work on his marriage even though he’s unhappy. But we have so many feelings for each other. I can’t get over him idk what to do. I finally told him goodbye this past Wednesday and have not heard from him since or seen him I’ve been trying to make sure I’m not available at work just in case I run into him. But it’s so hard I do love him. He knows it. I wonder if he misses me or is thinking about me. It’s so hard to say goodbye. We tried to just be friends He says it’s hard to see me. And I agree. I just don’t know what to do. He does not text me as he can’t wife knows my number. But he could call me. But he does not. We were so close I saw him all day everyday. I just miss him. And I have no idea how he feels.
Andrew G. Marshall says
I know it is hard but I recommend that you don’t contact him again. You need to start grieving the end of this relationship and seeing him will only make it worse. The chances of him leaving her are close to zero and if he did, he would probably just go running back again. Be kind to yourself. It is early days in your recovery because although if it officially ended four months ago, if you said goodbye last week that’s the real end date. Get some support. When you are feeling low, phone a friend. Have a look at my book Heal and Move On so you understand the grieving process. It will get better (eventually).
Charlotte Polando says
My husband had an online affair with a woman, he was using and an app on the phone they both spoke sexual to each other sent photos and such to each other. He talked to her about going to visit her, he often spoke about me that I could not satisfy him anymore. I discovered it all on his phone I was very angry hurt.sickened about it all. Now he promises to love me and work on our marriage. But the big BUT. is he still talks to her via the phone app, he said it is all just a friendship. I actually contacted her she said she admires me that my love for him is so strong and she said he does still love me. I just hate this woman soooo much. I just do not like that they remain friends I feel like they can still talk to each other in that sexual way again. My trust is wearing thin, I feel weak and vulnerable, but I do notice he is protective of her when I approach him about her. What should I do, do I remain blind?
Andrew G. Marshall says
He is still continuing the affair. He still has affair brain. Don’t trust him. If he wants to be ‘friends’ with her, he doesn’t want to be in his marriage. You can get more support in my special groupAndrew G. Marshall’s Infidelity Survival Training and Support Group – Online Registration Form
AC says
About 18 months ago I discovered that my husband ( of 35+ years) has been having an emotional affair with an ex work colleague. He claims it is over but there has never been a definite ending to the relationship and he wants to continue to be friends with her. I find this extremely stressful and upsetting. In the period since he says it has been over he has accidentally sent me a passionate email intended for her, described strong feelings for her and continues to lie and deceive me etc etc … I have tried to forgive him on numerous occasions but he keeps on hurting me. Also during this period he has started a new job 200 miles away from home, he has his own flat but comes home frequently. His new job does require some contact with the ex work colleague but only occasionally. We have tried a sort of trial separation to give him time and space to resolve the issues he has in his head. Things appeared to be improving and we have just had a fantastic week’s holiday but I have discovered this week that he had secretly arranged for her to visit for a long weekend – he says that this was not fo her to stay with him but to provide proof to himself that he could have a relationship with me and a simple friendship with her. I have given him an ultimatum that he ends his friendship with her completely or he loses me. This feels very difficult as I love him and he is a good man. We have both had counselling, mine is ongoing but he gave up on his. Although he has agreed to couples counselling, my counsellor has suggested that it is unlikely to be successful while he still wants to maintain this friendship as it could so easily reignite the affair that he has had. He is due home next weekend and it feels like make or break time. Have you any advice as to how I should deal with the situation. I want to stay strong and stick to my ultimatum but I also don’t want to face the consequences of a complete separation.
Andrew G. Marshall says
When something is so painful, you want everything to be over as quickly as possible. So you give black and white ultimatums. It is her or me. Divorce or staying married. Sadly, your husband is full of affair brain. He hopes he can have a soft landing. He wants to be friends with her. He wants to know she is doing. But doesn’t want to lose you. These are not possible in anything but the brain of someone who is having an affair. There is pain free way out of an affair Being friends is just continuing the affair (at a lower pitch). So what do you do? You stay firm. So what do you do? What is the alternative between black and white. You tell him, I can’t go on like this. It is too painful to see you and be with you while she is in your life. You draw a line where you feel comfortable. If you want him out of the house that’s fine. If you want him to sleep in another room, fine. Do you want to cook or clean his clothes? You can decide the line for yourself. What he does is up to him. You can’t control him. When he is acting in a way you can tolerate, you can let some of the boundaries down. Take it one day at a time. Sadly, it takes a while for affair brain to clear and start to return to the real world.
islanddogs says
My husband of 16 years just confessed to an affair , it’s been going on for 8 months. He broke it off with her the next day. It’s day 3 since he broke it off.
I know he has feelings for her because I grabbed his phone and saw text where they were saying I love you (God did this hurt to read).
He is self employed, so I never knew where he was, and I trusted him implicitly.
We have talked about it, in detail and I know that he has feelings for her, he told me what he had with her is what he really wanted to have with me.
Our lack of sex and intimacy is what drove him away and now he says he had this wonderful connection with her, something he hasn’t felt in years.
I do love him and want to work out our marriage, he says he is “trying”. He says he loves me but not in love with me….because I have pushed him away for so many years. We never fight, I always told him to go and do what he wants, I mean I trusted the man!
We have a marriage counselor appointment this week.
How long will it take to get over her? Can he get over her?
I don’t want to keep thinking I’m competing with this other person for his love.
Andrew G. Marshall says
I am sorry to hear about your discovery but I am pleased that you have somewhere to talk about the pain. The other positive is that he has broken off the affair. So let#s take your questions: How long will it take to get over her? I suspect it will take both of you different amounts of time. Can he get over her? Of course, he can. It will take time. He will need to understand why he was vulnerable to temptation. You will both need to think about what changes need to be made to your relationship. Why was sex as issue? Why did he not speak up? Why did you not consider a lack of sex and intimacy might be an issue? Finally, it is not a competition. It is about understanding and learning about yourselves. If you need more help than the counselling – which is likely – read about affairs. I have a couple of books but there are many more. Think about joining a group like the one I run.Andrew G. Marshall’s Infidelity Survival Training and Support Group Launch
Helen says
Hi I’m in a terrible and upsetting situation, I caugh my husband having an affair, he had a tracking on his phone and I found he finished work and stopped in this house for one and half hr,and he told me he was stuck in traffic on the M1 for that time,I asked him about it he said ‘i dont k how what u talkkabout’he also told me I’m horrible, fat and ugly and he doesn’t like me anymore, we got a 3 year old boy together, he still lives with us and I have asked him to leave but he doesn’t, I dont really understand why!!! Please can someone give me some advice
Andrew G. Marshall says
Why doesn’t he leave? It is because he either still has feelings for you or he is unclear about what he wants. The insults he gave are his justifications for having the affair. They were probably said in anger. I doubt he truly believes that. It sounds like he still has ‘affair brain’ and cannot think straight, the bubble of the affair hasn’t burst yet and he is in panic mode. I suggest you read my book ‘How can I ever trust you again’ and consider joining my affair support group. My advice: don’t believe a word he says (because he is not in his right mind) and don’t make any rash decisions. Here are details of my groupThree Reasons to Join My Infidelity Survival Training and Support Group
Vee says
I going through something similar to the writer. My husband has been having multiple affairs for the past 15 years with 3 different women and I had no clue. Now that I know he claims the affairs are over and that he loves me but I don’t know if I can trust that they are truly over. I wonder if it’s been that long can he just stop. It must be love because of the amount of time he has put into each of these relationships. He tells me that each relationship started roughly around the same time and that he is glad that I know because now he can stop it. He says he felt obligated to these women because they had been together for so long.
He has chosen to stay with me but I feel like he loves all 4 of us.
I find myself wondering about what’s going on in his head, is he missing them or is he still In contact with them. We have been together for 35 years and we’ve been married for 27 years. I love my husband but I realize I cannot compete with love or lust.
I’m having a very hard time with this whole situation . I’m struggling in the worst way possible and I don’t know where to turn or what to do.
Andrew G. Marshall says
What a horrible discovery. My heart goes out to you. Like you, I doubt he has given up all contact. I’m sorry but after 30 years of counselling couples in this situation – few men (or women) can cut off contact immediately – even though they swear they have. However, I doubt he loves these woman – just how they make him feel. I have a lot of advice and support in my on-line group. You might like to join it.Andrew G. Marshall’s Infidelity Survival Training and Support Group
Tracy says
I foundout my husband was indead cheaing on me with our co worker. Yes we all work on one company department and we see each other everyday. My husband is my Bos and the OW is his assistant. Yes the often talk to each other at his office about work. Go to meetings and sminars together. Over the past 2 years I have been asking them is there something going on with the two of them. because it is very obvious that they talk to each other for hours in my husbands office. I confornted them both several times and both says that it all pure work. Then I still did not put my guard down and still be on constant watch. I started looking into my husbands phone and seeing msgs that are suspisious. I started to dig dipper and found out some call recordings and screenshot messages that they are having an affair. and sayiing I love you to each other. I was devastated. and up to the last point still my husband is denying it. But still keep on asking him until he said that I was a long time ago, that they already stopped and that he just needed someone to talk to before and that she was alwasys with him and they got closer. Now, my husband said they ended it al long time ago. months ago I think. and I can see that they no longer talk too much in the office. no more msgs and call logs. My husband tells me that he love me more now and wanted to go on and move on and forget about everything. We have a 2 yearlof and now I foundout we are having another one. I wanted to believe him and move on, but It is too hard for me because we work in one office. Do you think we can all move on while still seeing one other everyday? WHat is the right thing to do? Shall I confront them both again? and put an end to this by talking to both of them at once?
Andrew G. Marshall says
This is tough one – because there are no hard and fast rules. Each case is different. So let’s start with ‘what’s the right thing to do’. There is no right or wrong. Next, you ask ‘should I confront?’ I don’t like the word confront… it suggest shouting and telling people what to do. In my experience, that NEVER works. However, should the three of you talk about it like grown ups and discuss how to get out of this mess. Well that sounds like a good idea. Can you do it? Will she get defensive? Is he a people pleaser who will agree one thing in the meeting but do another?
Tracy says
I wanted to email the OW but afraid that if my husband find out he’ll be mad at me and maybe comfort the OW, I don’t know.. I would like to talk to them both, the three of us face to face. I can do it.. But not sure if I still have to do it, because my husband now promises me that they have ended the affair long time ago. and there is no need to talk to her. But I want to hear their closure, I want to have that closure. What do you think shall I do?
Andrew G. Marshall says
It sounds a like a magical solution. If I can get them both to say these words – a sort of infidelity version of abracadabra – then I will feel better. In my experience, these magical solutions don’t work and by pushing for it, you just make everything worse. I know it is painful and horrible but there is no short cut through recovery. But there is support on the journey, have a look at my support group where I can explain how to deal with the pain, learn from it and come out the other side in a better place.Andrew G. Marshall’s Infidelity Survival Training and Support Group
Lupita munoz says
I found out that my fiance of 6 years almost 7 has been lieng to me about him talking to the girl he cheates on mw with. I found out that his been texting her recntly nad i confrinted him about it and he told me dont even call her when he said that i fealt like i was the other woman and she was his fiance i feel hurt and mad why would he defend hwr protect her why? We have a 3 year ols daoughter our first and im pregnant with our sexond baby im 1month why protect her ?
Andrew G. Marshall says
He is trying to protect himself. He doesn’t want to have to deal with difficult feelings. He is trying to keep everyone sweet. He is probably protecting you against her too. His life is a mess and it sounds like he is unlikely to sort himself out any time soon.
Erin B Conner-DeSilvey says
My husband of 17 years still calls his ex lover and has feelings for her. If he tells me right away then I know he is working on establishing trust and that helps us both
Alice says
My partner if 8 years cheated with a friends daughter, 15 years younger than me. I am 45.
There was a lot of deceit and lies and I was utterly heartbroken, still am. He was confused for some weeks and eventually made his choice to be with me. But I’m still so hurt, he ended it with her but she was very upset and so was he. He has admitted he has feelings for her.
We want to move on together and make it work, he says time will heal. I feel so worthless and don’t really understand why he chose me?
I’m having panic attacks and can’t trust him. He is reassuring me he loves me more and wants me, but last night he met her without asking me as she was so upset. He says he needed to be firm with her and tell her he had gone back to me. He says she accepted it, but he is reluctant to block her number or delete her messages. I can read him and I’ve asked if she is still messaging him? He says no, but I feel he is lying. He says I must think long and hard if I can deal with what he has done and decide what’s best for me, but I feel if he really loved me he wouldn’t be so cool about me ending it?
I feel like my life is over, that everything we stood for has gone up in a puff of smoke. I’ve tried to be supportive of his feelings even hers! I just don’t think I can see past this?
Andrew G. Marshall says
You have been through a horrible shock. You need a lot of support and although time will help, your husband is wrong time alone will not heal. Please think about couple counselling or joining a recovery group like the one that I run. Andrew G. Marshall’s Infidelity Survival Training and Support Group One of the lessons in my infidelity survival training is ACCEPT the feelings and CHALLENGE the thoughts. You are in pain, you are devastated, you feel betrayed. But please challenge the thoughts. Is your life truly over? I doubt it. Even a small change to ‘I just don’t think I can see past this AT THE MOMENT’ makes it all easily to bare. When you are calmer. you can begin to find a way through this all. Stop thinking about supporting other people and ask for the help YOU NEED.
Mgt says
Not true, feelings never go away
Yes it was wrong but can’t change how I feel about her
I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy
Andrew G. Marshall says
Thanks for sharing your opinion.
Helen James says
I have known that my husband has been having a affair for a while we had a sick child he couldn’t cope with and found a fantasy life with someone 22 years younger then him! She worked in a local pub as bar staff had two kids he promised her the world would leave me even rented a apartment with her she was going to leave her family completely for him!! Then I was brave and told him I knew!!! Since then he choose me and his daughter but he has been chasing her to say sorry keeps messaging her she told him she is done but he can’t let her go still says he has feelings for her!!! Says he loves me and never has stoped we have a amazing relationship ship now but he still longs for her even though he knows it over!! Should I stay or go he is so amazing at the moment.
Andrew G. Marshall says
You are looking at the situation as if there are only two options, accepting his apology and moving on or leaving him. If you keep talking, you will find there is a third option. Understanding each other better, looking at what needs to change in your relationship and perhaps the hardest bit: looking into your own soul and getting to know yourselves better so you can learn and THEN move on. Listen to my podcast with Jed Diamond – see podcast page on this site or search for ‘The Meaningful Life with Andrew G Marshall’. The relevant section is about half an hour in where we discuss a listeners letter.