A Reader Writes…
It’s now 8 months since I discovered that my husband had a 5 month affair with a work colleague. I feel totally exhausted by the pain and constant ruminations that I am at a loss at what to do for relief. At times, I have a strong urge for a trial separation. I believe that some time to myself will provide some much needed pain relief. My husband does not want a separation. He says that he will do “whatever it takes” to keep me. He regularly tells me I am beautiful and gorgeous and that he loves me so much (always has and always will). He says “please don’t give up”, and that “each day is a day closer to happiness”. He says we have 40 years of happy life to look forward to. I struggle to share his optimism.
We had been together for 14 years (married for 10 years) when I discovered his affair. The “other woman” hand delivered a long letter to me at our house detailing her affair with my husband. Reading that letter was a complete shock to me and I still tremble at the memory of reading those words on the page and the thought of what may have happened if I had opened the door to this woman.
My husband had ended the affair by the time I found out. He said that he realised very quickly that this woman was not what he wanted, and that he had made a big mistake. He admitted that he was very flattered by the unexpected attention she showered on him, but all that he ever wanted was me. He loved me so much and he had been desperately unhappy for a long time as he knew that I didn’t love him or want him in any way. He says that he now feels like a complete idiot and is full of remorse and guilt that he has hurt me. When I discovered his affair he was clearly an emotional wreck and he admitted that he hadn’t slept properly for a long time. His mistress had hounded and abused him for many weeks, threatening to tell me because he “shouldn’t be allowed to get away with it”.
His affair followed a very dark and unhappy time for me (and us). For a couple of years I felt I had no “bright lights in my life” at all. I had experienced an ugly redundancy from the high flying job I hated, my mum had been diagnosed with cancer, and my husband and I were weary with a big family fall out with his toxic mother. I was out of work, lonely, very bored and tired with the hum drum and pressures of family life and looking after 3 small children. I now recognise that I didn’t feel in love with him during this time, nor did I show him much love.
I didn’t acknowledge these feelings at all. I dealt with them by withdrawing from everybody and avoiding intimacy with him (although we did continue to have sex maybe a couple of times a month – I did it largely to please him). I remember feeling that my complete loss of libido must be down to the onset of early menopause. I nearly went to the Doctor several times. Looking back I feel so foolish as I can now see that these feelings were probably caused by depression.
My husband also felt terribly sad during this time, as I had left him on his own, but unfortunately we didn’t discuss our problems and simply left them to fester. Not surprisingly, he became selfish, uncaring and unhelpful around the house as he also struggled to deal with (or rather not deal with) a spiteful mother who acted like she didn’t want him and a wife who didn’t want him to touch her. He has told me since that he would regularly “test” me and wait and wait to see if I would initiate affection with him in the hope I would prove that I cared for him and fancied him. Of course, I never did. I was at an all time low and was turned off my husband as I saw him as emotionally barren and uncaring. However, this was the pot calling the kettle black.
I gradually seemed to work myself out of my dark hole and about 10 months ago I asked my husband if he would attend couples counselling with me as I felt it would help us to nudge our marriage in the right direction. He laughed off my request and declared that our problems weren’t that bad and told me not to be so silly. I didn’t pursue the notion of counselling any further with him (as I also thought that I was probably overreacting), but I did resolve to make a huge personal effort to restore our marriage.
Even though I was still struggling to feel love for him (for anyone actually), I respected him enormously and couldn’t imagine any other man that I would rather be in love with. He was and still is the most exciting and funny person I have ever met. I loved him for who he was even though I was struggling to feel “in love”. I was confident that we could be romantic again, and was starting to realise that my lack of feeling “in love” was probably as much to do with me as it was with us.
Anyway, we had a good few months and things were really starting to pick up in all ways until I received that unexpected letter. Life is now upside down and back to front and I just don’t know if I want him any more after his betrayal. We are both so ashamed and we have told no-one about his affair apart from the counsellors we have seen. We have now finally attended couples counselling and have learnt a lot about communication and the acts of showing that we care for each other. He has had counselling to address his lifelong sense of being unwanted by his mother, and I have just started counselling.
Although 8 months has gone by since I found out about his affair, I still experience very, very bad days where all the trauma of discovery come flooding back. I struggle to trust him and am plagued with terror at some of the contents of that letter. The “other woman” told me that my husband had “confessed” that he had kissed many other women during our marriage and he had slept with at least one other woman, although this was his first affair (she claims). She told me that the only reason he couldn’t leave me was because of the children and that he was therefore going to live a lie for the next few years and leave me high and dry when the children are grown up and I am too old to find someone else.
Although I sense in my head she was being deliberately cruel, my heart still listens to these words and I am terrified of the incongruity of it all. I obsess that my husband is really a manipulative and conniving serial philanderer who has duped me for many years. I read everything I can lay my hands on about affairs to try and work out what he really is.
I am desperate to know the whole truth and have asked him many times to fess up about any other women. He always replies that he has never cheated before his affair, and has sworn on the life of our children that this is so. Why should I believe him? He has lied about so much during his affair, been so callous and deceitful in so many ways that there is little reason to think he is telling the truth now. My thoughts have always been if you lie about apples, you lie about oranges! He has never given me cause to doubt his faithfulness before.
However, after this revelation I feel that I don’t know this man who has done these things and told these lies. I cannot believe he has been so stupid, cannot believe that he gambled with our children’s futures and cannot believe that he would put my sexual health at risk. I struggle to comprehend how such a fabulous father could lie to his children and tell them that he needed to stay out overnight with work when he was really spending the night with his mistress. I can fully understand his need to feel loved and wanted after our difficult times (I felt like that too) but I am absolutely devastated that he could engage in sexual relations with someone else. How could he be so callous as to sleep with another woman one day and return to our marital bed and sleep with me the next day?
Some days I simply collapse in a heap of tears as I can’t bear to feel like this any longer. Other days I feel quite strong, understanding and mature. Simple things can set a bad day off, for example reading about a respected celebrity who has been caught having an affair. Rather than feeling reassured by learning that affairs happen to good marriages and good people as well as bad, I feel despair that the world is awash with hurt and unhappiness. I feel alienated from society in that I appear to be the exception rather than the rule in taking monogamy seriously.
I am simply broken hearted that my lovely man made that choice that has enabled my worst nightmare to come true. The roller-coaster of emotion is taking its toll and sometimes the pain is so physical and intense that I just want it to STOP. I feel that maybe if I have a break I can sort this out in my head, feel strong again and gain some much needed pain relief. I want him but I don’t want a cheater for a husband. Where do I go from here? How to get images of husband affair out of my head?
Andrew replies…
The first thing you should do is congratulate yourself. You’re doing incredibly well. Despite hearing about the affair in the worst possible way, you have managed to stop and look at your own contributing behaviour (rather than just blaming your husband) and been compassionate to the other woman (rather than getting stuck with endless anger towards her). Your counselling seems to be going well – and your husband is beginning to understand some of the reasons why he strayed.
If you haven’t read ‘How can I ever trust you again’ please do so – as you’ll find that eight months is actually quite a short way into the recovery process (so I’m not surprised that you’re still broken-hearted). It sounds like you need a weekend or a little more time away to lick your wounds, go for long walks and have some time-out for yourself. (This will not sound so frightening to your husband as a temporary separation).
There are two things that stick out in your letter. Firstly, how could he have been so stupid and gambled his health, yours and your children’s future? Let me try and explain…. when we’re hurting (and he was feeling rejected and unloved), there are three ways forward a) talk about it and try and solve it (always the best) b) switch off and retreat into yourself (your choice for your bleak times but ultimately not a long-term solution) or c) grabbing anything to feel better (even if it makes things worse in the long-term). Sadly your husband fell into the last category and desperate people do desperate things. However, it doesn’t make him a bad man. (In fact, he sounds rather nice). Hopefully, both of you will learn from this experience and take option a) rather than b) or c) next time there’s a problem. Secondly, you’re putting an awful lot of weight behind what this woman wrote. There’s a million reasons to doubt her version of your marriage but here’s a few. She is no friend of your marriage and has looked for every scrap of negative. She sees everything through her own distorting lens. In the bubble world of an affair, people say things they don’t mean (and your husband will be no exception). Men lie to their mistresses as well as their wives. I could go on but I really don’t think she’s worth the energy.
So this is how do you move forward. Instead of reading everything about affairs, start learning about yourself and relationships (my Seven Steps series would be a good start). Cut yourself some slack. I’d be more worried if you said you were over the affair already! Finally ask your husband for help, if you need a cuddle (ask for one) rather than getting angry with him. If there’s some way that he could atone for what he did, ask for it. You’ve had some really good conversations since this affair was discovered, well done, so keep talking and it will slowly get better.
lorraine says
i know how you are feeling,its been nearly 2 years since i found out about my husbands affair and it still hurts.I knew the other woman she knew we were married,we work in the same organisation as does my husband and i still have to see her which hurts me like hell.I found out about the affair by accident i needed an email address he had and all her messages were on there,how much she loved him, couldnt wait until they were together all the time,there were 7 messages all saying how much she loved him and missed him i was devestated even had a panic attack had to leave the house and stay at my daughters the night i didnt want to be anywhere near him i hated him i hated the pain he was putting me through.we talked the next day and agreed to try and move on he said he was so sorry and that it was a stupid mistake,but it never goes away the pain is still there,we get on great but i am still insecure,i cant trust him yet i dont think i ever will,i still dont know how much she meant to him or why he chose to be with her,i am still so insecure,he says he loves me yet he told her he loved her as well. I dont know if i will ever get over it the betrayal is horrible,we have been together 30 years married 14, i thought we were safe how wrong was i,it has got easier and he is very loving now,but even now nearly 2 years on its still raw its still in my head,its the worse pain you can inflict on someone,she acts like nothing happened its me that is suffering is that fair.He used no protection putting my health at risk why,why do that did he hate me that much to not even consider that,but then he didnt consider me when he chose her to have an affair with her so so selfish.I wish i could forget i wish i could put all this behind me,but i dont think i ever will.
Andrew G. Marshall says
Reading your post, it sounds like it happened two months ago not two years. So why have you got stuck in the recovery process? Have you been trying to forget what happened rather than understand, learn and you and your husband make the necessary changes? I hope my books can help in this journey.
Annie says
I don’t know where to start, I thought working and taking care of my family was enough I don’t go out or drink and I don’t have allot of friends, never could I imagine the man I held on this pedestal could betray me, I love my husband I remember him walking in room am I would light up now I just grin and hang my head how could I have been a fool so blind. I found out about the affair 11months ago on our anniversary, I don’t know how I feel it’s just a numbness that don’t go away I’m out of tear’s and anger. I want to forget
But this anonymous woman has been in my house damaged my car and sent me messages she has a baby from him of course he denies even when the truth is in front of him,he refused to discuss it and I’m suppose to just carry on as before.
Andrew G. Marshall says
It sounds like the discovery has been a terrible shock and nothing makes sense any more. I think you would really benefit from talking to other people who have been through the same experience. I can also provide more support in the group than is possible here. Here are the details:
Mia says
My boyfriend the person I held on a pedestal the person I never asked for anything in return I simply just loved him & wanted to make him feel special all the time doing the most for him going out of my way just to show him how much he meant to me I thought I was doing all things possible so he would never have to go and look for anyone else yet it happened he cheated on me with someone he only used for sex when he was drunk & got her pregnant. He still has to communicate with her because now they share a son he didn’t want to begin with but still doesn’t deny the fact that he’s the dad & I encourage he sees the kid although it kills me to wonder and over think if he’ll ever cheat on me with her when they come across each other for the sake of the baby it’s not the kids fault and although i hurt when he gets to see the baby and I know she’s near him aggravates me because I don’t trust them near each other. He says he wants to be with me and doesn’t see him self with anyone other than me but I can’t believe him and I can’t come to trust him it’s only been a month and a half since I’m trying to get over it because he’s who I want to be with but it is hard because every time I’m with him I feel anger because how can someone come to betray someone who gave it all for him, there’s times I want to get away from him to give myself some mental clarity but not having him kills me I love this man.
Andrew G. Marshall says
Why do you have the need to put someone on a pedestal? What does putting yourself below them say about you? I think you definitely need to get away and seek mental clarity and you use this time to think about yourself, your choices and whether this relationship is right for you. How can you go about achieving this goal?
Ton says
My Husband has an affair for one month with a co worker he said they slept together 3 x we are currently going to therapy together but it doesn’t seem to be working . It’s been 6 weeks since I found out and everyday I feel like I’m getting worse , I picture them together and it’s driving me crazy . I feel sick to my stomach I can’t function . He ended the affair and a few weeks later the women contacted me and told me my husband is a cheater etc .
Andrew G. Marshall says
Everything you’re going through is natural and normal. There will be times when it feels worse ans times when it feels better. Be patient with yourself and don’t expect too much from yourself too soon – six weeks is really recently. It will probably help to read some books about infidelity as it will make you feel less alone.
Ton says
Thanks for your reply . It’s been 2 months now and we have been going to couples therapy and I’m also seeing my own therapist and my husband is trying to get an appointment to see a therapist for himself as well , my issues is every single day I’m asking him affair questions all day everyday ! I wake up st night thinking of that they have done together and feeling shocked that my husband has cheated on me . It was a short affair and he ended it before the mistress contacted me but I can’t stop thinking of the day she contacted me . She had also sent me a picture of them laying in bed together thos picture has been in my head for the last 8 weeks . My husband said has said this has been the biggest mistake in his life and he is really sick to his stomach as well daily about this but he said by me bringing up the affair dearly I’m constantly reminding him . Our therapist said we need to focus on rebuilding now but I just can’t stop asking affair questions and obsessing of them two together . Any tips ? Is thos normal .
Andrew G. Marshall says
Is it normal? What’s normal when it comes to affairs? You are where you are. Let’s accept and understand it. Why do you think this has hit you particularly hard? What from your background or past might this have reignited? For advice on coping with difficult feelings read this post: http://andrewgmarshall.com/seven-ways-to-cope-with-painful-feelings/ I would also read my book ‘Wake Up and Change Your Life’ where I expand on this post.
Andrew G. Marshall says
Is it normal? What’s normal when it comes to affairs? You are where you are. Let’s accept and understand it. Why do you think this has hit you particularly hard? What from your background or past might this have reignited? For advice on coping with difficult feelings read this post: http://andrewgmarshall.com/seven-ways-to-cope-with-painful-feelings/ I would also read my book ‘Wake Up and Change Your Life’ where I expand on this post.
T says
It’s hit me so hard because I wouldnof never expected my husband to ever cheat on me he has always been a loyal husband and father so I feel that I’m still in shock . My question is after 10 weeks im crying daily and thinking about the affair all day , when does it get better in terms of the crying I want to have one day of peace not thinking about this
Andrew G. Marshall says
Be patient with yourself. Take it one day at a time and it will get better.
Ton says
Nothing from my past it’s me being shocked that my husband would cheat on me we have had a great marriage and have a great family life so I feel I’m still in major shock after 10 weeks
Dee says
I found out about my husband’s affair a year and a half after we were married. I was looking for a picture in his phone he said he sent to his mom of his daughter when I found the text messages. I was completely destroyed. He called her “sexy” and she told him how much she missed his lips. I woke him up and confronted him about it, and he seemed upset and sorry. The next day he promised it was over and asked me not to leave, but he also asked me not to tell anyone because he didn’t want anyone to think badly of him. He started claiming it was only messages, and nothing physical, but I know what I read. Then, he wanted to immediately start having sex with me, because he said it was to prove he loved me. It’s been 3 years, and I still feel disgusting when he says the word sexy or hits my butt as I’m trying to make dinner. I hate sex with him because I don’t feel like it means anything. It’s like he got off scott free for his affair and I had to pay the price. It kills me to know he has met up with her for drinks since then, and I’m given the 3rd degree if I want a girls night. It’s not just the affair either. His parents are always treating me as “the help” and not family, and it’s even worse with his extended family. I’ve tried to fall back in love with him, but between the affair, which I always feel must be my fault, his lack of help around the house, the irresponsible financial mess he’s gotten us in, the emotional neglect, and the emotional badgering I get from his family, I’m afraid I’m incapable of love at all sometimes. The only reason I have stayed is because I love my stepdaughter so much (we have custody). We started counseling two months ago, because I told him it was that or we were separating. I can’t keep living like this, but he said he saw nothing wrong and he figured I would’ve gotten over the messages by now. Where are resources for stepparents who have so much more to lose if they leave? What hope do I have of a future with someone who wants to live across the street from their parents with no boundaries, while I live in the shadow of his ex wife?
Andrew G. Marshall says
I hope your counselling goes well. There is a lot that you need to get off your chest. The affair is just the tip of the ice berg. You sound like two unhappy people and his parents are holding him so close that they are suffocating him. Be patient, it is hard to escape such a tight grip. Equally, you need to listen to yourself too because if this relationship is making you as miserable as you say, you can’t carry on much longer. So what do I suggest, keep talking, listen to him and when you have both cleared out your emotional closet you might find a way forward – but it will take time.
Shirley says
I Ann in a very similar situation. Eight months ago I found out that my husband was having an affair for 4 years. She called me. He immediately said he had been trying to get out of without it blowing up. I was angry, heartbroken and confused. I knew I didn’t want to divorce but I didn’t know how I was ever going to get over the affair. The following eight months were a roller coaster. I went from being angry and vindictive to totally incapable of mature rational thoughts. I was suicidal. About four months ago things started to improve drastically. And I had truly believed I had forgiven him then I found out a week ago that he had never stopped talking to her. He insists that he was afraid we weren’t going to make it because of my anger. And that he needed a friend. And she offered. He has admitted to kissing her and going to see her but insists there was no sexual relationship. Now we’re back at the very beginning. Except I feel more stupid than ever. All along I asked questions about him seeing her or her contacting him. And he always denied it. That didn’t sound like the woman I spoke too. But I chose to give him the benefit of the doubt. Now I know I was wrong. But I still don’t want to divorce. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if I’m making the right decision. Again he is saying it is completely over. This time she sent copies of their emails only to me but to our children. And he says he now realizes what a danger she is to our family. But he’s lied and said that before. And I don’t know if I should believe him. He is acting extremely attentive and loving. But he was doing that after I found out the first time. So I don’t know what to do. We’ve been married 35 years. I just don’t feel ready to give up on a lifetime. But I’m so afraid he’s going to hurt me again.
Andrew G. Marshall says
I’m afraid that I wasn’t surprised by what you told me. I can’t tell you how many men – who are going through a tough recovery period – keep their options open with the other woman. Generally, it’s more about their own stuff than they LOVE the other woman so much. Basically, I want you to read ‘My husband doesn’t love me and he’s texting someone else’ because it explains how men are brought up to out source their emotional welfare to women (the baton gets passed from mother to wife). However, if they are having problems with their wife they are lost. They don’t have the sort of friends that they can talk things over with. Some don’t even have friends!
My guess is that he’s a people pleaser and tries to keep everyone happy: you, the children, the other woman but he has never learnt to consult his own feelings. He has never learnt to say no (I don’t fancy going to your mother’s place on Sunday) and negotiate. He is probably a nice guy who has snapped and turned a difficult situation into a disaster zone.
So might he hurt you again? I know you have been to hell and back. But sadly there are no pain free options in life. If you end the marriage now, it will be painful. If you carry on, he will do stupid and thoughtless things (we all do, both men and women, and end up hurting our partners).
What I hope is that you both get help to understand why your marriage reached this point, he uses this opportunity to learn about himself (rather than pretend everything is OK and press on in his old but broken ways) and you can both learn the skills to avoid such huge dollops of pain in the future. If he’s up for learning about himself, I suggest ‘Wake Up and Change Your Life.’
Good luck and don’t think of yourself as stupid just a wife who wanted to believe the best in her husband.
"Ann" says
My husband had an affair with my best friend. It started before we got married and continued for a few years. She stood as my maid of honor at our wedding and I confided in her whenever my husband & I were having problems. Then one day my husband & I got into an argument and he left. He went to go stay with his brother and my so-called best friend. I had been confiding in her for the entire 2 weeks that he had stayed with them. Only to find out that she had been the one that encouraged him to leave me and come stay with her & his brother, she had been telling him everything I was confiding in her. He and I had talked things out and decided to work on our marriage-I didn’t know about his affair with her at the time. I found out about their affair because I was looking on our tablet that he was signed into his email on. There was an email between them from when she was encouraging our split. I was so hurt & furious! This woman claimed to be my best friend. Why would someone do that to a person that they claimed to be there for. How could she let me still marry him? How could he do this to me? I also discovered other emails between him & other men. And that he had created craigslist ads to meet up with men to have encounters with them. Some of the emails were the arrangements of the meetings. I confronted him & her about their affair, and I confronted him about the craigslist ads. She admitted to the affair and said how sorry she was and that she didn’t know why she did it blah blah blah. I don’t speak to her- this was 5 months ago-I have so much strong anger and hatred towards her. He admitted as well but blamed her for pursuing him in the beginning and that was not the case. He also admitted to the ads but said nothing ever happened, I don’t believe that. He apologized and said how sorry he was but blamed it on my actions. He said I acted like I didn’t love him. I admit I did go through a bout of depression, but it was about 2 years after their affair & the craigslist ads. Both the affair & the ads were going on at the same time. At that time I thought we were happy & in love. We were always so happy to see each other after work, our sex life was great, everything was going great. So anyway, he begged me to forgive him. He said he would never do anything like that again. So I reluctantly gave him another chance. Things were going good for a few months. Then he had to go out of town for work. One of the nights he got drunk and was texting a few different people in the area he was in and I’m 99% sure that he went and met up with at least one of them. I confronted him when he got home and he said he was sorry and that he didn’t do anything with anyone just texted and blamed it on being drunk. And I thought that I had finally made up my mind to leave him, only to give in and give him another chance. I’m so confused and hurt. I love him and we have such a good time together for the most part. But I hate that I can’t trust him and I can’t get past what he did. As for my so- called best friend, I’m still so angry at her and i want to get over that- not be friends with her, just not have that anger.
Andrew G. Marshall says
I am puzzled. Why does he text random people soliciting sex when he is drunk? Why does he need both an affair with a woman and sex encounters with men? (Not going through with them, does not remove the desire for them.) His behaviour sounds out of control. Does he have other compulsive behaviours – like drink? Could he have addiction issues? Does he have trauma in his childhood – abuse, toxic divorce of parents, being bullied etc. There seems something painful that he is trying to medicate in some way? Perhaps you can’t get past what he did because it makes no sense to you (or him). Talk calmly and see if he will go with you to discuss this all with a therapist and see of the three of you can piece this together…
"Ann" says
I do feel like he’s out of control. He does have an addiction issue, his parents are divorced, and I believe but cant confirm that there was some kind of sexual abuse when he was young. His family arent close unless they want something from him. He wont open up to me and refuses to see any kind of counseling. I am at a loss. I just dont what to do.
Andrew G. Marshall says
If won’t get help, perhaps you should think about getting help for yourself. There are lots of partner groups for people dealing with addiction issues.
Samantha says
This story really hit me. I found out about my partner’s affair 10 months ago. Since then, I have caught him talking to her 6 times (about every 2 months). The last time was 3 weeks ago. Apparently, she messaged to apologise and he thought that acknowledging the apology was the right thing to do. He has saved her number under an alias, hid it from me and deleted the messages. I have no evidence of what was said. Considering in December he told her he was scared about seeing her again because he thought he would fall madly in love with her again – I am not confident that the conversation was that innocent.
Since finding out, I feel like I have been falling. We work hard to put things back together and eventually (after the shouting, crying, reasoning, talking) I find myself standing on shaky ground. Then I make another devastating discovery and the floor falls from beneath my feet again. I feel stuck in this cycle. On an endless loop.
I have bad days and good days. On the bad days, he becomes frustrated. Says that this is boring and exhausting now. That I should be over it. It’s over. She has moved away. Moved on with her life. That I torture myself and only make things harder for the both of us.
I am terrified of being hurt again. I now live my life in fear, searching for any clues of deception. Looking into his eyes to determine if there is actually any love there or if he is simply taking me for a sick ride. Most of the time. I don’t see love. But why else stay through all this? Am I just paranoid? It’s so confusing and exhausting.
In recent days, I feel I have gone back to square 1. I now can’t get images of them together out of my head. I wonder if he truly loved her. I question if she is really gone. I don’t know how to push through this. I don’t know if all of this is now too broken to fix.
Andrew G. Marshall says
Don’t worry. Recovering from an affair is not a straight forward journey. It can feel like you go back to square one after a new discovery – like new contact – but you will find that you’re not not stuck there. Before too long, you will feel a bit better and have more good days again. Look at my You Tube site – Andrew G Marshall – where I explain about the stages of recovery from infidelity. It will help to understand the process more. When you focus too far into the future – you will get ‘I think we’re too broken to fix’. When you focus on the present – you can ask: what would help us communicate better today?
Patti says
Wow, this sounds very similar to what my husband and I are dealing with. Great advice and thank you. Trying so hard to get the images out of my head. Been 2 months since I found out but the truth is coming in pieces which causes the pain to be worse
Andrew G. Marshall says
The truth coming out in dribs and drabs is the most painful way of discovering. So glad the post has helped.
T says
Hi we have been seeing a new therapist now he deals with infedelity and we are happy with him however every time we leave therapy I feel worse it’s been 4 months since discovery for me and I still cry in therapy weekly . The therapist said he senses my husband a little Bit disconnected from this process he’s quiet a lot , and he needs to be the one working hard to heal me since he created this . I’m still an emotional mess and cry a lot . The affair lasted one month they had sex he said 3 times but I keep going back to ask questions . For my Husband the affair ended 6 months ago . He has told me the affair story how it started now from the start but inside I don’t believe it he said she blackmailed him when she quit work and kept asking him for money so that how the affair started and he went to her house but I keep asking why would u start an affair with someone who blackmails u ? This women was evil she threatened me when she told me about them and sent me a picture of them together laying down my husband had no idea this picture was taken he’s looking down . This picture has not left my head for 4 months . Is there a point that I should stop asking why would u sleep with someone for a month if she blackmailed u at the start ? It’s jsit confusing to me .he ended the affair blocked her number from texting and she contacted me . It’s veen so stressful and our therapist has told us to set time aside weekly to chat and not daily ! I speak about this daily for 4 months I make comments about the affair all the time . Is there a time where I should stop asking the affair questions and focus on building ? Confused
Andrew G. Marshall says
There’s not a specific time when you should stop talking about the affair, but I think the advice to speak once a week is worth trying. Look into finding some other strategies when you are overwhelmed – rather than speaking to him – have a bath, clean the floor, speak to a friend. If you are still focused on asking something, write it down for your next scheduled talk. In this way, you can have some ‘normal’ time together as well as talking about the affair.
Ton says
I don’t know when to stop and accept what he’s saying , he tells me the sex was awkward and he felt miserable during the affair sos my question why did u go back that month ? It doesn’t make sense to me so I keep asking him . I feel I need to know what drew him to her and also what he liked. About the affair in order to help us get to the next stage am I wrong ? Pls help
Andrew G. Marshall says
Try re-framing the questions so they are more about the two of you and less about the affair… for example: what do you enjoy about our sex life? What would you like more of? In this way, the conversation can be more constructive and not keep going down the same rabbit hole
T says
Thank you . It’s been 5 months now and I’m still upset daily about this and many days in angry and keep telling him he risked losing me and his children for his affair . This week we have been arguing a lot because I keep bringing the both of them up , he keeps saying he loves me but I keep telling him when u love someone u also respect them and he didn’t respect me and I’m in pain and struggling daily with this part . I struggle with the lies he told me the month of December when he was at her house , he went to her house 5x and he ended it . I dot understand how he can love his wife but be in bed with someone else and come home to his children and why the next day and be all normal a good husband and dad . These things keep running thru my head . I told him he’s ruined us he had broken our marriage vows . I’m very hurt . Will my pain ever get better ? I feel like he’s a stranger and I hate this feeling . We are seeing a therapist and I feel I take one stop forward 10 backwards .
Ashley says
I just found out my husband had a woman in my house while I was staying in the hospital. I had our baby 4 weeks early by emergency c section and he was in nicu at the time. Our other kids were at my grandmothers. I let him go home after work to work while I was in the hospital so he could be off with me to help when we go home. The girl sent me a Facebook message she told me she wanted him to take her home after she saw the pictures. She found my name in a pill body to find me and tell me. She was 15 years younger than him. I’m having a really hard time with this I love him I don’t want a divorce I wa t my family bumpy I feel like this is the lowest of the low and I shouldn’t forgive. I can’t stop thinking about what has been done. It disgust me to even walk in my house.
Andrew G. Marshall says
I am not surprised that you can’t get this out of your head. It is a huge betrayal and at a time when you were very vulnerable (and needed his help). So let’s accept the pain and think about what will help you feel better… Can you ask your husband for these things?
Shirley says
My husband and I have been married for 35 years. In one week it will be one year since I found out about my husband’s four year affair with another woman. This woman has contacted me four times. The first time was three months before I found out for sure about the affair. The second time was the night she called me to tell me about the affair. She sent me an email for months after I found out about the affair asking to talk to me which I never dead. And the last time was when she sent me 22 emails that they had exchanged in the eight months since the affair came to light. I don’t feel like I can ever get over it. We are still together. He has said all along that he had wanted to end it with her but didn’t know how. That he never stopped loving me. That he never intended on divorcing me and staying with her.
He said all those things after I found out about the affair the first time. Months later when she sent me the emails he was still saying the same things. Including that he didn’t know why continue to talk to her and that he wanted to stop but didn’t know how. He knew that she would contact me if he stopped talking to her so he begged her not to and said to her that he didn’t want their relationship to end in those emails. It’s been three months since I found out about the emails and the second betrayal has left me reeling more than the first.
I know that one year isn’t a long time in the recovery process. And because it’s only been three months since I found out about the second set of lies it’s even less so. He has said that he never slept with her after I found out about the affair in the first place. That they spoke through email and that she would meet him occasionally for a few minutes at his lunchtime. She gave no indication that they had resume to physical right relationship either.
But I’m in the same place. How do I believe him? How do I stop replaying those emails in my head? I have read a lot about how to change negative thought patterns and how to get out of your own head but none of those things work. The fear is overwhelming and I think that is what’s driving all of those thoughts. I do go back-and-forth with how I feel. I just don’t know what to do .
Andrew G. Marshall says
I think you should accept the fear. It is frightening that your husband cheated and lied. So I think you have every right to feel the way you do – please don’t beat yourself up for it. Next I would challenge some of your thoughts: ‘I don’t feel I can EVER get over it’. On your death bed, it will still be as strong? I doubt it. A more accurate statement thought would be: It will take my a long time. I know that’s still hard but I think it’s better than NEVER and you will feel a little less panicked. Next think about when you start replaying the emails… what are the common themes? Why do you do it? Does it come for a reason, for example your husband is distant? Is there something else you could do at that time? For example, ask him why he is distant or if you could have a hug. Instead of trying to push away these feelings, understand them and what they are trying to tell you. (I am starting an on line infidelity training and support group and inviting a few people to test the service for free, if this interests you send me a message)
Tacoma says
Also I dealing with this alone I don’t have anyone to talk too counseling didn’t work for us I feel nothing and like left overs to have sex with because he can’t get what he want at the moment he was more open with them than me still is we talk but our hearts are distant he tries I see lies or I can’t determine the real him from the fake him I just want this out my head they are good got away with killing g me now I’m the one suffering with the kids losing weight I don’t even look the same the 2018 one said look at you and look at me he gone always cheat she also said I had low self esteem because I took him back all fast and I’m looking at how I look now everyday compared to the in their 20s side sidechick I don’t stand a chance I’m confused don’t know what to do
Tacoma says
HI my husband and I have been married for three years and together for three he had threel affairs with three different woman the woman was in 2015 I did not dwindling out about her till 2016 through the messges I found in his gmail threatening to tell me he had an affair with her he denied it for a whole year put it on God and his kids we even got into bad arguments about it un til I just self healed my heart took his word in put it in the back of my mind he didn’t confess about the 2016 one until the may 2018 on told me he had affairs with her 2015 and one in 2017im not so sure when that affair ended from the messages I read between him and the 2018 is how I found out about the other two as well he opened up to her we never had an anniversary he left us in the dark hungry to go be with another woman for one night she thought he was gone leave me it hurts because I feel like he wanted to go the conversation between him n the 2018 one seems as if he wanted to actually be with her he said he wanted to marry her how he wanted to feel on her soft everything and all girls have big breast something I don’t have and I’m 33 they are all in 20s I couldn’t believe that this was my husband talking like this I had know idea he was talking to her right up under my noes sometimes I try to forgive but I feel like he treated them better than he also said he never stop loving me he told 2018 all our business he even had the nerve after I let him come back in to still be around her th at week and felt the need to go back to her place to explain why he can’t be with her when he already married and she know it is see them all the time in my head I don’t know if it’s real or fake I’m walking around with a broken heart everyday more stuff just comes in my head everyday i, trying to forgive but the memories shame of what he did and who knows why they walk around all fine and happy like nothing happened I see him changing but I can’t trust that before I knew I was Forreal loving him and he was fake loving me now that he say he’s Forreal I can’t tell the difference emotions confused if only I could go back in time and see everything he did with them than I can make a decision quicker it’s funny 333 three years together before marriage three years married no anniversary celebrated how can you get over your husband doing the things he do to you to somebody else oh and 3 different affairs help please
Andrew G. Marshall says
Perhaps you are telling yourself that you can’t?
Nadine says
My husband an I were married in 1966, my husband was everything to me.he was in the Navy and had had sex with a couple girls over seas. I was a virgin when we married. Everyone committed on our happy marriage. Four years after getting married, we had our first child. In the next ten years we had three more children. We built on home from the first nail. In the next ten years we built our second home.We worked good together.
Son got on drugs and was giving us problems. Three girls had problems of their own.
There was a lack of money, I worked part time, my husband a manager in a company. My mother got cancer and died. I found out my husband like a co worker, I asked if he had sex with her, he said no. I knew my husband would never hurt me, he loved me, anyway I thought. Life went on, kids grew up and left home, now have ten grand kids, one great grand child. Married 52 years. I always felt he had an affair, but didn’t know for sure.
I got the nerve to ask him again,have you had sex outside of marriage, and he said once, my heart hit the floor. He said he had sex once, but the affair lasted months. Her husband would beat her and she would run to my husband, and he would comfort her. Now after a month, I cannot get the picture out of my head of the two of them having sex. Some days I feel I can handle it, other times I lose it. It’s like a night mare that I cannot wake up from. I think I should leave him, but where would I go, sometimes I see this older man, and see a more caring man, then the younger man that was only thinking about his self.
Andrew G. Marshall says
It is natural and normal to have these pictures in your head. One month after discovery is quite recent. As you’ve discovered some days you will be able to cope and others will be difficult. Find out what makes the difficult days difficult. Perhaps your husband is distant or perhaps you have been triggered by something on the TV. Talk to him about your feelings. Ask for a hug or whatever helps you. Remember, the older caring man is still there to help you. Reach out to him when you need him.
Mandy says
Hi me and my husband have been together 11 years married for 8 we have 2 children a few months ago just after my son was born my husband had an affair it only lasted 2 weeks before I found out as I saw the very detailed sex messages. Since then we are trying to worth through it I’m so hurt as at the time he had the affair j really needed him I was in hospital with my son as I had a really bad pregnancy and birth and he wasn’t there for me but he choose her every time I try to get answers all I get is that he can’t rememwbr he says he loves me and gives me complements al the time but I still don’t get any answers he doesn’t call when he says he will all I get is that he has a bad memory I feel as though I’m the only one trying. He works away Monday to Friday during that time I feel forgotten the weekends are great but I also need that reassurance during the week which I don’t get so I’m struggling a lot I have also had to come out of work to look after the kids I just feel like I have given up my whole life and I’m completely alone
Andrew G. Marshall says
I am sorry. This sounds really hard. Think about what would help during the week? If you had a list of simple things he could do, and you asked calmly and kindly, do you think he would co-operate. It would help if you started off by thanking him for how well supported you feel at the weekend. You probably need support from people who will understand what you’re going through because they are doing the same thing. Consider joining my infidelity support group https://andrewgmarshall.com/andrew-g-marshalls-infidelity-survival-training-and-support-group-launch/
Paola says
I feel your pain. My husband had an affair with so called friend. I met this person a few months before my husband slept with her. My son became great friends with hers and they both played on the same football team . My husband coached her son and mine. I asked her to help me on the team. She was married but separated from her husband after we met. I offered her my help opened the doors to my home let her use my car gave her money. Only to find out she had an affair with my husband and on top of that got pregnant by him. I hate her bc she knew me knew my children and yet she deliberately chose to sleep with him. And I hate my husband for doing what he did. I just want to scream. I am also going through a rollercoaster of emotions. My husband and I separated. He went to live with her. Then he came crawling back and begged for forgiveness claiming he wasnt happy and that he loved me. Our family has been through a lot since we found out about the affair and his new son. He lost his job where he had just received a promotion. He became a truck driver. He convinced me to love back to california my hometown. Made it seem like we would start all over but that was a lie. Of course I haven’t gotten over the affair i question him all the time and keep throwing the affair in his face. He blames everything on me bc I stopped feeding his needs for revenge bc he feels I had an emotional affair with his NEPEHEW OF ALL PPL. Everything is a mess. That’s a just a piece of the story as there is a lot more.
Andrew G. Marshall says
No wonder, you are feeling angry and overwhelmed. This is a horrible story. It will take time to recover and that’s fine. But if you feel stuck on the journey, it is important to reach out for help. You don’t want to be left holding this amount of pain forever.
Stacey says
I don’t know for sure or have proof if my husband was having an affair. I questioned how he knew some girl that was on his Facebook and he said she was just a friend. Well that friend started stalking him and started making comments to him like oh if I was your wife I would have done his for and that for you at that point my husband told her he didn’t want to talk to her . So she would stop calling and then If something terrible would happen in her life like a death in her family she would call my husband cuz she felt he’s good at listening. I’m old school and my husband would not want me to have a guy friend and he also knows I wouldn’t want him to have girl friend. So he said that’s why I never told you. My husband said that after we had our children that I was not intimate with him, I wouldn’t have any conversations with him, there were issues with my inlaws I always focused on family politics . So when this girl called for some advice regarding her dead fathers business (my husband runs a similar business) they became friends and that he kept her as a friend that their interests were the same and he enjoyed talking to her. He said that he lied about having a just a friend because he knows I wouldn’t be able to stand it. He said he respects other people’s daughters and sisters that he didn’t have an affair that he just always talked on the phone with her and then they would stop talking for a few months when she started making comments like oh why don’t you marry me you will be so rich or if I was your wife I would this and that for . So when she said things like that my husband would stop taking to her. But then a few months later there would be a problem or a death in her family and the she would call again she needed someone to talk to. So basically I had been asking my Husband about this girl because she had sent me a strange comment on my Facebook saying that my husband has been separated for nine years. Like strange messages not directly saying anything. I started getting hang up calls and it caused me to have anxiety I didn’t feel right. So my husband kept saying I don’t know her that well I don’t talk to her. He lied about his so called friendship for years. When I found out from his phone bill that he had been calling her and she had been calling way too much I broke down. I feel hurt. Why couldn’t he just tell me . When I confronted him he said that I have treated him bad I ignored his feelings that he had found someone just to talk to and nothing more. She wanted someone out of this and then stopped calling her. Now recently she kept calling and calling and she called me while we were on vacation and my husband blasted her and said why did you call my wife why are you trying to cause problems. He said he doesn’t want to be friends since he now knows that she is trying to mess up our marriage . She said oh now I have another problem in my family I need to talk to you. My husband called the girls family and told them to tell them that she should stop calling as he loves his family.
So i Found out last week. I felt sick, nauseous, I had to put on a happy face for my kids I don’t want them to know it will effect their education and other things. So when they are at school we have been talking. I broke down so badly I couldn’t get out of bed so my husband came to me and said I’m sorry I love you I was wrong I shouldn’t have hid my friendship like that. I didn’t do anything with her. I did get a ride from her once and that’s it. He said that at first she said she wished my husband was her brother. Then now recently when he found out she was sending me messages implying something bad about my hubby he cut off all ties but she started calling again and said oh will you marry me your life will change you will become rich and my husband said no I love my family and I would never do that and to leave him alone. I don’t know what to believe !!! I’m hurting. When I talk to my husband I feel good and then today I feel sick again. I keep thinking how can he hide just a friendship for so long . What if they had more than a friendship relationship. I’m willing to work things out . I love my Husband and trust he doesn’t talk to her anymore. He said not to contact her because he finally got her to stop calling. He told me she grieve stricken. She has lost three family members in the last few years and is not with the program. That it’s best not get in touch with her. But it bothers me so much I want to know what the truth is. The good thing is my husband is willing to answer my questions. He has no there was nothing other than friendship. He said if it was more why would you see so many calls back and forth. I don’t know. This is painful because I’m taking this as he had an affair but I don’t have proof of that either.
Andrew G. Marshall says
I am glad that your husband is prepared to answer your questions and is committed to helping you heal. However, you might like to join my infidelity support group so you don’t feel so alone with this.
Lee says
My husband just had a one night stand and cheated on me. It’s the worst feeling ever having to look thru his phone and finding her naked pictures hidden. She was even in his contacts. I feel traumatized feeling I lost self confidence disliking my own body and feeling unworthy.
Andrew G. Marshall says
What a horrible discovery and I can understand how deeply it has hurt you. However, his cheating is to do about him not you. I have spent thirty plus years getting to the bottom of why men (and women) have affairs and it is always about some problem for the unfaithful partner (for example inability to speak up about their unhappiness or unresolved issues from their childhood). So while I can understand his affair has ruined your self-confidence, I doubt it had anything to do with your body. You can get more help from my support group.
T-bos says
The fact that it’s a work colleague makes that is what makes it more deficult for you forgive…
But forgive my sister,revange will complecate both your life’s and believe me it will .
This is life and you are not the only one cheated on…man cheat not because we don’t love you.
I know there will be those who will prosecute me for these words but it’s the truth.
Forgive, forget and move on into bigger things together.
Kim says
Wow, this whole piece resonates so much with a recent experience for me. Quite by accident I recently found out about an affair my husband had been having for about 5 months. I didn’t see it coming but with hindsight all the signs were there. He craved attention, I didn’t notice. I wanted closeness and conversation and he didn’t bother. In short we were in a 27 year rut and I even doubted that I loved him. He is a good man and a wonderful father to our sons and unfortunately he took (c) and grabbed anything that made home feel better….that turned out to be an ex-childhood sweetheart who targeted him through social media. There have been many tears but more communication between us than there has been in years. I’m not condoning what he did but I accept responsibility for the part that I played in making him feel the way he did to result in the affair. He has told me every intimate detail of what happened which is maybe not for everyone but he knows I need his complete honesty to move forward and although it’s only been 4 months we are in a better place than we have been in years. Do I trust him? No. Do I forgive him? Yes, I do. Are we over it? No, but we are getting there.
Andrew G. Marshall says
Glad your story has a positive ending. Be patient with yourself about the trust, it is the last thing to return.
hurt person says
how are you doing now? its been 3 months since i found out that my husband cheated on me and im a wreck. i feel like i dont know myself anymore.
Carrie says
I can’t get it out of my head my husband cheated on me, he wamted to get revenge. All I can think about is him having sex with another woman, and why he couldn’t just stop it. I don’t know what to do anymore, I get upset everyday and cry.
Andrew G. Marshall says
Why would he want revenge? Has he said that or is that your conclusion? So what should you do? It is natural to get upset and cry. But are the two of you talking? Can he answer your questions? Can you listen or are you overwhelmed with pain. At this point, you dodn’t have to DO anything. You need to talk, listen and ask more questions. To understand more about the natural cycle, have a look at my video on You Tube about the seven stages of recovery.
Luisa says
I haven t forgotten husband affair 30 years. Has past everday i think about maybe because it was some one close to me and still leave in some town
Andrew G. Marshall says
You might not have forgotten but have you forgiven? And if not, what would help you forgive?
Kacy says
I found my husband having sex with a co worker . I can not erase those images. It has only been one month sense it happened .I don’t blame her because , she doesn’t owe me anything . I only feel sad she had the need to lower her self so much to be with a married men when there’s so many unmarried men out there and I say this because us women when we decide to be intimate or talk to anyone we know what they do ‘ where they live and if they have someone else . We have two kids together and this is not the first time he has cheated . First it was messages then photos and then really personal messages . Even through my pregnancies. It has gone on for 10 years . I always seem to find things without looking for them . I am emotionally drained . I feel numb inside . I feel sad that he finds the need to have attention from who ever gives it to him .and I feel like I have been emotional abused to the point that I feel at fault . He claims that he felt unloved so he went and got that attention from someone else . However we’ve never stopped having sex . We were intimate. We were intimate the day before he was with her. I feel betrayed that he continues to destroyed me inside . Because cheating it’s not normal and you can make a mistake once but how many more times can a human can take. Now that he’s not here I feel less pressure I do miss him . He was always very controlling didn’t want me to have friends and never wanted me to go out unless it’s with him not even to a mall . He limited me so much and I just went along with it. To only be thrown into this reality of this person that I don’t know . It’s scary someone who never changes around you and yet it’s cheating on you . I am still in love with him and it makes me feel so disappointed in myself.I should be able to not want to be with someone who never valued me . I don’t know we’re to go from here . He doesn’t believe in therapy or counseling . I don’t know if what’s best for me it’s to move on because, I don’t want to settle for a lie .
Andrew G. Marshall says
If he is controlling and he will not face up to his repeated cheating, I think your conclusion is right: You don’t want to settle for a lie. Tell him how you feel. If he responds in a positive way, ask him how the two of you will repair your marriage. If you get bluster and lies, you need to do what is best for you.
Natalie says
So its been 2 years since my husband had an affair with 4 women, all exes, plus not to mention the other women he has slept with while out at the bar and drunk. He is trying to be better but i cannot heal, i have never been so betrayed this way. I don’t know what to do. He wants me to respect him, but he has never once respected me, ever. He gets upset that i havent healed and says its my fault. I make myself feel that way. What husband says that? So instead im angry all the time, i hate when he tells me to do something as i feel he doesnt deserve me or anything i can give him. Im so hurt and i cannot feel anything towards him but feelings of pure revenge. I hate him so much, i cannot stand him holding my hand, im better when he sleeps on the couch, yet i feel alone but when he is next to me, i cant sleep by what he reminds me of amd i cannot relax. I become so upset and angry.
He tells me i can do better but i just cant. Its too painful. I cannot and will not trust him. He has taken advantage of me way too many times. He wants to fix things and so do i but i find it highly difficult. He is trying to do what he can to make things better but becomes frustrated as to how i act amd even when he hasnt done anything wrong, i go off amd i cant seem to be happy with him. The more i see him the more angry and resentful i become, especially when he tries to show me affection. But then if someone says his name cant help but react for example. He tells me his frustration and i feel bad. But then anything triggers me. Anything. Couples, families, songs, just seeing people happy makes me want to throw up. How can they be happy and i cant? Its not fair. I have done everything in the past to make him see im different but all in vain and instead was only interested in chasing tail. Now he wants to fix things after all that?
HE needs to fight for my trust. HE needs to be a man and be responsible for my sexual needs. To which we havent had sex in more than a year. We have been married for 2 years and 6 months, this is unacceptable. Its been a year and a half since all the affairs were done and over with, to my knowledge. I do not know how to really forgive this man and be happy because everything i enjoyed, has no meaning. Nothing does.
Andrew G. Marshall says
It sounds like your marriage has run its course and the two of you should discuss ending it. If there is enough love left to try and sort it out, you will need help from a therapist. For what it is worth, you are both asking the other to change: he wants you to stop being angry and you want him to be a man and earn respect. Sadly, the only person we can change is ourselves. As the two of you have ound, telling each other to change makes both of you angry, defensive and sucks the love out of a marriage.
ItsJustMe says
26 years .. 7 children and now another affair .. yes another .. not just him I’ve also cheated several times although not in the last 11 years…we met when I was 15 .. pregnant by 17.. marriage and 7 kids .. we have gone through everything that most wont survive and I ask myself why do I accept yet live in pain! 41 now and I want to leave I can’t see myself laying next to him with so much pain and yet I love him more than I ever have in 26 years. It’s been a year since the affair.. were transparent and display integrity..counseling and therapy separately … and all I want is to feel love from someone else .. how do
I began to walk away…
Andrew G. Marshall says
You are in pain but you love your husband more than ever. It’s an important thing to realise. When we are young, we see everything in black and white terms. But as we get older, we realise it is possible to both love and hate, admire someone and be disgusted by them, have both hope and despair. What we also learn we are older is that we have to hold these different feelings and try not to rush to a conclusion – because one day you want to leave and the next day stay. So remember my mantra: I need to explore and understand before I act. Give yourself time. Don’t put pressure on yourself to decide one way or the other today. Read my book ‘Wake up and change your life’ which will explain more about my mantras. You might also benefit from joining my infidelity survival training and support groupAndrew G. Marshall’s Infidelity Survival Training and Support Group Payment Page
Jay says
One year 6 months has passed since my husband had an affair. It’s not even the first but might be the 6th. This one hurt to the core because I know the woman. I dnt understand why am so stack at that moment. It’s like I live for that. Sometimes I forget and other Times I remember and I want to know which styles they tried, what she told him and what he told her. Did they sleep in each other’s arms after they were done? So many questions.
Andrew G. Marshall says
Ask yourself WHY do I need to know these questions? What will you do if you have the answers? Are you trying to look for evidence of how serious the affair was or why he was unfaithful? But perhaps the question, you need to focus on is: why am I stuck? What is stopping you? What are you afraid of? How many affair does he need to have and with whom before you say enough is enough?
Sharon says
My husband has been having an affair for the last year or maybe longer, it is with someone we both know and she chats to me as a friend! We have been together for 40 years, married for 38 of them, three children, two granchildren. My biggest problem is that he is still denying this affair, and still gaslighting me, telling me I’m sick in the head and it’s all in my mind! It’s not, without going into every detail why, I am 1 million percent certain of this affair. The mental torture of this is unbearable, I have been to my GP who is treating me for PTSD and advised seeing a counsellor which I am doing. I have tried everything I can possibly think of to get him to just tell the truth so that we can try to get through this and get on with our lives, he still denies it! I just don’t know where to go from here, and because he won’t tell the truth I will never know if it’s over…HELP!
Andrew G. Marshall says
He doesn’t just need to admit the affair, he has to regret it and want to try again, he has to understand why he cheated and want to make the changes so you can have a new and better relationship. I would suggest laying out the evidence, even if it because you have hacked into his phone. If he still won’t admit to it. I would ask him to leave. If he won’t, I would go on wife strike (no cleaning or cooking etc for him) until he is prepared to be a be a husband again. Remember you can’t control his behaviour but you can your reactions to him. As for the other woman, let her talk but I would look away, walk away and treat her as if she does not exist.
Anonymous says
I am also in the similar position, its about a month after I discovered my husband affair with his co worker, they dated about four months and I feel so broken one moment I am ok the next I am in tears I hate feeling like this especially when I think about the lies he told me when he was going to meet her. They have started a small business together and my husband invested more money than her, the lady promised to pay in monthly installments but since they ended the affair she decided not to pay anymore what bothers me is that they still share the same profit, when I was trying to ask about the money she owe us my husband will be angry, he told me that he really loves me and he begged me not to leave him, we have a one year and 7 months old baby girl. I love him very much but I always greate pictures of him and the other woman in my head. I don’t want to be mean to my husband but I feel so terrible, I want to stay the next day I feel the exact opposite and again what bothers me is that they work together I am so insecure, angry, feeling betrayed I have mixed emotions at the same time. He tried to answer all my questions even the obsessive ones I can see he regrets but my trust for him is ruined, I know the other woman is madly in love with him I saw a text in his phone saying ‘you can hate me but what I know is that I love you’ the lady lied to my husband and said I called and insulted her which I never did, of course I was tempted to call or even to go and confront her but then I decided not to. I hear my husband confronted her and told her his piece of mind, I believe the affair is over but it’s very hard to find peace of mind.
Andrew G. Marshall says
Of course, it is difficult to find peace of mind. You are right at the beginning of the recovery process and everything you are experiencing is natural at this stage. Look at my You Tube video on Eight stages of recovery after an affair. You have a second problem. Your husband is still in Affair Brain. Otherwise he would not be justifying her behaviour over the business. That’s the bad news. But there is good news too. You can not only recover but have a better relationship than before but that takes work and persistence. My books will explain how. And you make like to consider joining my infidelity support groupAndrew G. Marshall’s Infidelity Survival Training and Support Group
Darasimi says
My husband cheated on me and I can’t get the chock off my head and it’s really disturbing me I don’t want to think about it please what do I do
Andrew G. Marshall says
I am afraid it is not possible to get his infidelity out of your head. You have all these questions going round because you need to understand what happened so you can make an informed choice about what to do next.
Andrew G. Marshall says
It is not something that you can shut out. It keeps coming back for a reason. You are hurt. You need help and you need to talk. If your husband is still cheating, you need to tell him you can’t cope and to ask him to leave.
kesha says
My best friend has changed has blocked me and won’t see me anymore. I still love my husband so very much. He wants me back, now I do not even know if I want him anymore. He hurt me!!!
Andrew G. Marshall says
Keep talking with your husband. Start a journal about your feelings. Slowly, a way forward will emerge.
Linda Kirby says
If a man lies about small things then he is not a man he is a boy who never learned to treat a woman like the prize she is and to devalue his family like that tell me he is just concerned himself . Issues from child hood stopp when your an adult but he clings to it so he can gain sympathy. He is a dog and don’t deserve you or his kids
Sarah says
I feel the same way, about 11 months ago i found out my boyfriend of 8 years cheated on me, the thing is a bit before i found out we decided to start a family. I got pregnant, a month later my coworker tells one of my close friends she is 5 months pregnant by my boyfriend. My boyfriend begged for me to stay, apologized and said it was a mistake , that he didnt know and didnt want to lose me and our family. He didn’t want to do anything with the other woman, just pay child support but not be involved in their lives. We now have a beautitul newborn we have no contact with the other woman and child. I want to forgive him as he begs for happiness with me everyday and trys to gain trust but for 11 months thinking of it gets me angry and i want to leave him. Some days im over it , others i want to grab all my stuff and leave. I am confused , nothing seems to help me heal. And its destroying me as a person.
Andrew G. Marshall says
With a baby on the way, you pushed all this painful stuff away and concentrated on focusing on the birth and trying to trust your boyfriend. But you can’t push down feelings forever. I am not surprised that you want to leave. I doubt that NOTHING will help you heal but I certainly believe that what you have tried so far hasn’t helped. I think you need to be able to talk about it PROPERLY – rather than you starting to tell him about your pain and then he begs for forgiveness (or gets angry). I would recommend that you see a couple therapist together as he and she will help you find other ways of dealing with this issue.
Linda says
OMG this is my worst nightmare! My fiance had his bachelor party recently, and I found out they were doing some “party checklist” which included getting a kiss from a girl, motorboating a girl, among other things. This broke my whole heart because I never imagined he would do anything to disrespect me like this. It made me feel like I don’t know who this person is, and like everything I ever knew about him was a lie. Later I found out, that the same night I told him how bad this “checklist” had made me feel, he still went out to a club where he was dancing with a girl who he ended up exchanging numbers with! Of course he says it meant nothing, he would never hurt me on purpose, but he already did and were not even married yet! I love him but I’m afraid that getting married will turn out to be a big mistake, and that he’ll end up cheating on me later. I don’t know what to do anymore. I cant get these thoughts of him with other girls out of my head, and I cant help but feel “fake” every time we hug or show love to each other. It doesnt feel like it used to.
Andrew G. Marshall says
It doesn’t sound like he is ready to marry and settle down. It doesn’t sound like you trust him.
Sue says
9 months ago I found out my husband was having an affair with a 21 year old and he’s 55. She works for him. Also he was fooling around with another employee at the same time. I also had 2 one night stands during the time he was cheating on me even though I didn’t know about the affairs I felt disconnected from him. The hardest part is I was honest with him and told him about my one night stands and I asked him if he ever cheated on me and he said no. I couldn’t live with myself when I had the one night stands and the most difficult part is that instead of being honest with me he chose to continue to have his affair. I can’t get over it. I feel as if he really wanted to be with her instead of working on our marriage. I asked him to go to therapy but he said we are fine. I also struggle that the woman was 21 my daughters are 19 and 21. I just can’t forgive that he can be with someone the same age as his children, my daughters worked with her. Will I ever get over this. I’m in a bad place and I want to move forward.
Andrew G. Marshall says
It is horrible to be cheated on and when it is with someone so young, it makes you doubly doubt the morals of your partner. But I think it is helpful to know what exactly upsets you and makes it harder to get over. For example, is it the unfair competition? Is it outrage on your daughter’s behalf? Does the woman being so young feel almost like incest? Do you think he took advantage of her? If you are honest with yourself about the causes, I think it is easier to deal with it, rather than being angry on someone else’s behalf. (Sometimes I find the person who has been cheated on has a problem being angry for herself – because she was brought up to put other’s first). Will you always feel like this? I hope not. Ultimately, it depends on how you work on your recovery and whether your husband learns from his mistakes, gives a proper apology and tries to make amends. You might like to also consider joining my groupAndrew G. Marshall’s Infidelity Survival Training and Support Group
Abigail says
My boyfriend of 9+ years cheated on me last august and I found out last November . He has always been an exceptionally good man . Loving and attentive , has raised my daughter along side me (her father is absent ) he’s done everything over the years that defines a “good guy ” which is why when I found out I was DEVASTATED. To me it made no sense . He lied at first, told me different versions of what happened (to spare my feelings , as if they could be ) finally I contacted the other woman and she very bluntly and uncaring told me the truth about the affair. I was even more devastated because up until this point I was told there was no sex . Upon much talking , and I mean a lot , I asked and was told every detail. It wasn’t a passion fueld love fest as I imagined but rather a disaster . He claims he didn’t find her attractive and couldn’t stay aroused due to that and the overwhelming guilt of the realization of what he has done . The whole affair lasted a week with the physical part at the end in which he ended it right after . I have a hard time believing any of it because of the lies and the different version I heard from him and her . We have a new born and a 10 year old and it’s been almost a year and the thought of it drowns me every day . It’s the first and last thing I think about . It’s fueled PPD after baby and I am so lost and sad . He has cried along side me daily and nightly , shown as much remorse and pain as I have . Because he’s always been so loving and attentive and “one of the good ones ” I feel so desperately betrayed . During the time of the affair he said he thought I was cheating based on texts he saw , I was also very withdrawn as I suffer from depression . How do I stop obsessing over the images in my head ? How can I move on ? How can I get through the day without the need to ask questions and keep bringing it up ? I feel so lost and scared that my life is over and I will be forever tortured by this .
Andrew G. Marshall says
It is natural to feel scared and lost. You have been through a terrible shock and at a time when you are were very vulnerable (ie pregnant). However, while I want you to ACCEPT THE FEELINGS, I would also like you to CHALLENGE THE THOUGHTS which go along with them (and make you feel even worse). I think if you challenged the thoughts, you would probably want to change ‘my life is over’ and I ‘will be tortured by this forever’. Hopefully, you will now be feeling a little calmer. It sounds like the two of you need on-going support and help to recover from this affair. I would consider reading books – I have a couple that explain the process (and how people get stuck), going for counselling (and get help for your PPD) and joining a support group like the one that I run (which I think will help you understand why the affair happened, a forum to ask questions and support from people in a similar situation. Andrew G. Marshall’s Infidelity Survival Training and Support Group Payment Page
Michelle says
My husband of 15 years had an affair with a coworker. I found out on my birthday in july. I told him get out. He begged me to stay. I learned she gave him drugs and he had blown his sobriety . We were still together. He quit his job. Denied the affair. Told me he quit talking to her. Told me he couldnt live without me. How much he regrets his decisions etc. In sept. He got up walked out the door. Last words he said.” I didnt cheat”. 15 min later i opened the door. He had taken his life.
About a week later i was tested for std. Came back pos. Treatable thankfully.
My therapist counted 7 traumas in a short amount of time. My brain now misfires. I have panic attacks. Im hurt with no outlet. He lied to the end. I have no answers. Does he love her? Me? When i pass will he be there to greet me? I will never know. I find evidence on his phone of him trying to find something on me. He did a great smear campaign against me during his affair.
If i have a day wear i can take a breath a new lie pops up and i take 3 steps backwards. My hurt comes out as anger. Im not functioning.
Death used to scare me. Its now comforting in a way. I dont like who i have become. Its been almost 5 weeks since his death. I cant get past the affair to even mourn him.
Andrew G. Marshall says
Please speak to your therapist about your feelings about death. You need more support than I can give here. But let me send you a big virtual hug. Let me see if I can answer your questions. Did he love her? I doubt it. He was an addict and she offered him drugs. Why did he deny the affair? That’s what people who have affair do. It’s what addicts do. They lie. It is less about how they feel about their partner and EVERYTHING to do with how they feel about themselves. Normally, they have low self esteem. Next, they feel guilt and shame about their actions. They can’t face their shame and lie to try and avoid it (Sadly, it solves nothing and makes them feel worse) So I’m sorry, you will find more lies. But it is about him, his mental health and NOT about you. Remind yourself, it was not my fault. Get support. Take it one day at a time.
Tracy says
I found out about my husbands affair July 2018. The affair happened July- October of 2017 with my daughters friends mom. I worked wed-sat night shift and my husband had to take my at the time 7 year old to cheer. This mom knew he was married and actually knew me, I had her number because our daughters were friends in kindergarten. Since they were friends he began talking to her at practices. He came home telling me about there conversations so I knew he was talking to her but I didn’t see any harm because I knew her and her and my daughter were friends. It was when I went to a practice and she wouldn’t sit by me, talk to me or acknowledged me I saw a red flag. I told my husband if she can’t talk to his wife she shouldn’t be talking to him. This caused one of the biggest fights we have ever had and I never understood it. My daughter became friends with many of the other girls, and our family grew close to one of the other girls families. A year later that mom felt comfortable enough asking me what the deal was with him and the other girls mom. When she asked her the girl snarled at her and stated “someone had to tell his wife we were talking”. It took a lot to get it out of him and he finally admitted he had an affair because he was talking to her and liked her but no physical cheating. Days went on and i kept getting more, he kept hiding things. I asked if he talked to her on the phone he said no, text message he said no. When I was going to pull up records he admitted she had text him once and did have his number but no calls. Sadly while we were trying to work through this and him get the truth out he got into a car accident. After the accident he lost his memory of the past 5 years or so, so now he doesn’t remember the affair. Many think he is making that up. After the accident I stuck by his side to help him get the medical he needs. I’m a nurse and he was having seizures at home and I kept finding him on the floor unconscious. For 6 months after finding out about the affair I put”me” aside to take care of him. during this time I went through phone records and found he called that girl 6 times, while i was sleeping or at work. Either after he took the kids to school or after they went to bed. Trying to work with him about my feelings is dangerous and impossible. Due to his mild TBI his mood swings are unpredictable. He tries to punch things and he crushed all the phones that might have any evidence on them. 6 months after me finding out about the affair I ended up pregnant, so I again put my thoughts on the back burner. I now had the baby, 5 weeks old and I find the hurt just coming back to haunt me. I feel it would be possible to get over if he were there to help me get over it as I still do not know what I am getting over, as in, did he have sexual relations or not. I am constantly wondering what I did for this to happen. I am learning I have let myself go horribly in the past 10 years focusing on my children and my career and I am trying to now put myself first. Last night we took my first grader to a birthday party and all these feelings came back because I felt he kept looking at one of the moms. This mom resembles the mom he had an affair with so my automatic feeling was he’s attracted to her. It also reminds me how I cannot trust him to simply take our children to an event like this anymore. He is a great dad and was always the best husband. I am trying so hard to stick out this marriage but sometimes I feel like it will never be the same. The affair was two years ago and I have known for 15 months. In this time I have never talked to anyone or gotten help for myself. He believes I should just get over it or we’re not going to be able to work out our marriage
Andrew G. Marshall says
Thanks for trusting me enough to reach out. What a horrible story and to have to cope with a car crash too. I am not surprised that you put all this to one side while you were pregnant and how it all came to the surface again after your child was born. In a nutshell, you need support and your husband is unlikely to be able to provide very much. Please don’t accept ‘get over it’. You need to process. You need to have your feelings taken seriously. I suggest that you join my support group where the other members will understand. You will also have weekly access to me.Andrew G. Marshall’s Infidelity Survival Training and Support Group – Online Registration Form
Yasmin Karim says
Just found out about my husband cheating because i taught they were just colleagues.she even send me messeges saying how she doesnt want me to leave my husband but i must allow her to share him with me and that there is nothing wrong with our marriage and that if i want her gone i must put a bullet through her head.he got fed up with all of this and ended the affair and chose me and the kids.i cant help but wonder if he has any regrets since he doesnt want to talk about any of this
Andrew G. Marshall says
Of course he will have regrets. About having the affair. About ending it. About staying. It is natural, we have regrets ALL the time! One day, he will few regrets – another a lot. It is a bit like how you will be feeling…. one day fine and the next full of fear. It is natural and normal and it is part of the grieving process – for what you thought you had. Why doesn’t he want to talk about it, perhaps he is afraid of the reaction if he does open up. I offer more advice in my book ‘How can I ever trust you again?’
Patricia Ozdirik says
Hi Andrew,
I just came across your website and am hoping you may be able to help me,
This is my story. I am a 59 year old woman married to my 60 year old husband for 35 years.
We have 3 beautiful children and 4 gorgeous grandaughters.
8 months ago I came across a text message on my husbands phone that sounded suspicious.
When I confronted him about it, he admitted he had been “seeing someone else”. That moment the bottom fell out of my world. I have never felt trauma on this level in my whole life.
A lot of lies were still told to me by him and full disclosure (I hope!) has only happened 2 months ago. He admitted going to a exotic massage parlour and meeting a young Columbian girl 26 years old (33 years younger than him) and the relationship carried on outside of the parlour for a period of 18 months. Seeing her once a week, He says the sex was amazing. He says she told him she was in love with him and he felt some feelings for her as well.
When I found out he had a breakdown and wanted to commit suicide. I drove him to the Emergency Dept at 4am to get some help. He has been seeing a Pscychiatrist (who has also been seeing me as well). 7 months ago I decided I wanted to write an email to this young girl to try and find some closure for myself. My husband gave me her email address and I sent it even offering her forgiveness but asking her to leave us alone to heal our marriage.
We have made progress over the last 8 months but then another bombshell hit 2 months ago. I opened his emails and here was an email from her. He finally admitted that she had sent him another email 3 months ago. He also admitted that he had manipulated me regarding the email I sent to her. He had made up a false email and it didn’t go to her at all – but to him. And he even replied to me as if it was her! He also had lied about the fact that he had been using protection with her. He hadn’t. Even knowing she was still prostituting with other men. He says that the affair has not continued on after I found out. I believe him. He
I am also seeing my own Pyschologist which is helpful.
My biggest problem at the moment I need help with is this. I am having trouble getting visions of him and her having sex during our lovemaking. I find myself emotional and sometimes even in tears. I try my best to change my thoughts and hide my tears from him but at times I just can’t do it. Which sends him into negative feelings of guilt and shame.
I feel so dissapointed and sad this happened in what I thought was a fairly happy marriage.
He says he hasn’t felt desire and passion from me in a long time, which breaks my heart. He says he has never stopped loving me in the 40 years we have been together. I still love him but am so broken hearted. Will I ever get over these feelings and how long will it take?
Andrew G. Marshall says
Thanks for such a thoughtful letter. It certainly feels like you have been through a lot. I’m afraid that many men edit what happened and hold back painful material (which when it comes out is doubly painful for their wives). I am glad that you are both getting support, it shows in your email. So what should you do about the visions of him having sex (when you are having sex yourself). What would it be like if you stopped and told him: ‘I am getting images’. In this way, you would not be coping with it alone. He could ask what you’d like to do about them… and you can decide if you want to talk, ask questions or just be held and stroked until you feel better. When you have done what feels right at the times, you can decide what you need next. You could decide to return to love making, cuddle or make a cup of tea. Listen to yourself, you will discover what you need. And your final questions…. yes, the feelings will go away; how long it takes depends on what you decide to do. But telling me, is the first step to the being processed (and that’s the key to them going away). Good luck
Sam says
My husband hurt me so bad too its been a year and half now. And I tried everything to make it better I was same way he wasn’t getting the attention I tried to forgive I said sorry and I tried counseling and church and tried to have him compromise but it is always an excuse. He wants to forget it happened and me to forget but it doesn’t work that way. I’m so angry that just now finally at my breaking point he is willing to try counseling alone even though he fought it everytime and even we went three times together he stayed quiet. I want him to leave the job he cheated on me at but he won’t. I just hate that I didn’t cheat on him and break our marriage but I been trying the hardest to fight for it and he has just been trying his hardest to forget it.
Andrew G. Marshall says
I know it is hard. He caused all this pain and he’s doing nothing to make it better. You broke it, you should fix it. The problem is that he’s not got the first idea how to do it, so he’s putting his head down and hopes saying nothing will ‘at least’ not make it any worse and ‘at best’ time will heal. Sadly. men are not taught how to communicate, how talking makes things better and facing problems is better than avoiding them. Hopefully, the couple counselling will open his eyes and he will learn to take his share of the burden of fixing this mess.