It takes two people to save a marriage but only one person to get the ball rolling and ultimately recruit their partner. Here’s how to make a start.
A Reader Writes…
My wife said the phrase almost three weeks ago that she doesn’t love me. Now she said this in our very first counselling session a week ago and also said that she loves me and cares for me but isn’t in love with me and doesn’t have those feelings for me or the spark.
Suggestions? Book to read first, second, etc.
Now we are still in the same house together right now and can occasionally have a conversation but usually very brief. If we try to talk for too long it tends to lead to an argument or I really get upset and don’t know how to express myself.
I am feeling a lot of pain right now and I do want things to work, but I think she has already made up her mind to move on. Everything she says suggests just that point. She says lets go to counselling to communicate for our two boys (6 and 8) but it won’t change how I feel about you.
So all this after being married just shy of ten years and being together for 12 years. I don’t get it and don’t know if I ever will.
What suggestions do you have?
Andrew Replies…
You are still in shock after hearing that you wife doesn’t love you, so I’m not surprised that you feel de-skilled, confused and bewildered.
The first thing to say is that you can save your marriage all on your own – even if your wife says she’s made-up her mind. Lots of people think it takes two – and it does ultimately – but to get the ball rolling, it only takes you. So don’t ask for reassurance or is there any hope. (That just comes across as needy or clinging and that is the opposite of reigniting the spark). Don’t have agonised arguments about what went wrong – just start fixing the problem today (and let tomorrow take care of itself).
So what do you do? Basically you know what the matter is. She’s told you a thousand times beforehand but you’ve either discounted her opinion (because from where you’re sitting it looks different) or counter-claimed (‘If you think that’s bad what about what you do.’) or thought ‘not that again’. Ultimately, you haven’t listened or made her feel heard. (There’s more about truly listening in ILYB and especially in Help your partner say ‘yes’. Imagine, for a second, that everything she says is true. A horrible thought, I know. But, with this new insight, what would you do differently?)
So why is she so determined to leave if all it takes is listening? You’ve probably promised to change or try harder and it’s all slipped back into the same old groove. So you’ve not only got to start changing but keep changing – even though she will not believe that it’s a real for weeks or probably months. (She might even be angry or obstructive – why didn’t you do this earlier – but just keep going.) Tough I know but if you’ve still got enough love left to start changing yourself – rather than waiting for her to join in and ‘try and save your marriage’ – that’s all you need.
Two things that you MUST not do
1. Use the children as blackmail
No woman wants to break up her kids home, making her feel guilty puts you in opposite camp (and you’re the bad guy). You need to be on the same team asking: How can we sort this out? Complaining that she isn’t taking her wedding vows seriously is falling into the same trap.
2. Make grand gestures like a romantic trip to Venice
This makes her feel that she can be bought off. It reaffirms her idea that you’re not taking her seriously and want to sweep all the problems under the carpet. She’d still have to deal with her everyday misery when Venice is long since forgotten.
I’m sure you have the strength of character to make this work. Start reading, start changing and keep strong and you will get wife to fall back in love. Good luck.
Finally, you asked for a reading list (and in which order):
- My Wife Doesn’t Love Me Any More (Step by step, I take you through why she’s fallen out of love and how to fight back)
- I Love You But I’m Not In Love With You
- Help Your Partner Say Yes
- Learn to Love Yourself Enough (You need to feel better in yourself and deal with the devil voices in your head).
James says
Andrew
My wife has been having an affair for about a year now. I discovered it about 9 months ago. I have been trying to bring her back for that time. We have been together for 12 years, married for 6 and 2 children. I have read My Wife Doesn’t Love Me and How Can I Ever Trust You Again.
My wife doesn’t quite fall into My Wife Doesn’t Love Me. In fact she tells me the opposite: she does still love me, but she loves the other guy more. She also considered lying to me by saying that she doesn’t love me to stop me fighting for her.
She has been going through the process of flipping back and forth between me and him. I have been doing my best to show her how I love her and how she can love me back. She admits she likes the time we spend together but she cannot stop thinking about him. We have obviously had our moments of despair although very few full blown rows. A few days ago my wife “decided” that she “does not want” to try to rebuild our relationship and is going to move out (and presumably file for a divorce). I do not want her to go but she does seem determined this time to stick to the decision. It does seem to me that she has opted for the “easy” way out rather than the more difficult path of rebuilding our life together. I have reached the point where one minute I think I should give up completely and then the next I have a strong resolve to fight some more. It is most confusing and draining.
I know you have covered this briefly in your book but I have three questions as follows:
1. Is this the moment to actively “let her go” (by which I mean tell her that I agree it is time to go) or do I hold on and continue to try to rebuild but not mention the “decision” and see whether she can implement it?
2. If I actively let her go, this will mean we have to discuss the practicalities of our separation – children, finances etc. What steps would you recommend for how to participate in such discussions?
3. Assuming she does go, I would want to get her back. This is my most difficult question (at least in my head). One part of me thinks I should try to maintain no contact (or at least only limited to communication about children) – the idea being she will miss me. And the other is to have as much contact as possible and use it as a further opportunity to break her affair. In particular, I assume that the other man will want her to have limited contact.
Andrew G. Marshall says
I’m glad that you’ve found ‘My wife doesn’t love me any more’ helpful and you’re right, you’ve spotted the flaw in the book! I didn’t think it was worth writing in detail about how to combat the other man because I didn’t think many men would have the guts and determination that you’ve shown. It is a great regret of mine that i didn’t think highly enough of my gender.
However, I have covered a lot of this in ‘My husband doesn’t love me and he’s texting someone else’. In effect the book is double the size of ‘My wife’ as it has a second half about combating the other woman. Fortunately, despite the genders round the wrong way, it is still relevant to you.
What you call ‘active letting go’, I describe as Radical Acceptance. And yes, you will need to talk about all the practical stuff but you have the tools for that: assertiveness. (Btw there is more about this and general coping strategies for a crisis in another book, which I would recommend, Wake Up and Change Your Life: How to survive a crisis and be stronger, wiser and happier. Please look at the section on the drama triangle)
Finally, how to cope with a temporary separation. (I have a post on that subject on this web site.) I would not try to break up the affair because I think it will collapse of its own accord. I expect her mother and her friends will be shocked and hold up a mirror. She will begin to discover that this other man is not made of cream cheese. Your children will be upset and this will also help burst the balloon. So I would be polite, pleasant and a little detached (so you don’t hurt yourself further) and use your energy to work on yourself rather than worry about her.
Good luck, you’re doing really well.
Peter says
Dear Andrew,
About 3 months ago, my wife told me that she likes me but that she didn’t love me anymore. At first, I did everything that you say not to do, begging,asking for another chance and so on. We have been together for 12 years, married for 8 and have 3 children aged 5, 3 and 1.
After 2 weeks of shock, I decided to take action. I read I love you but and my wife doesn’t love me anymore. I made a list of my faults and implemented change. I made a fulsome apology and asked for us to attend therapy to resolve our problems and rebuild our relationship. My wife acknowledged my apology but said that she didn’t want therapy as life has become too boring with me. We moved to France last year and she told me that she had already considered separating before moving.
One day, I cracked and read her phone. She had been texting a teaching assistant from the local school regularly since she told me she no longer loved me, with her doing the pursuing. After confronting her, we had a row about it but she swore that nothing happened. I think it is because he was not interested.
Recently, I got her to confess that there was something between her and a married male friend. It is over again because he felt guilty and told his wife. I still love her and want nothing more than to save our relationship, but it is very draining emotionally. We still live together, in France, but far from her family and long-term friends.
I was thinking that it is now time to let her go and to separate. This will give her the chance to experience the single life and see if it is all that she hopes it will be. This will give me the space to concentrate on myself and work on becoming a better version of myself.
I want it to be an amicable separation, for the sake of our children and because I still hope to win her back. I wonder if I am perhaps deluding myself. In any case, this has been a chance to change and to rediscover old hobbies and start new ones.
Best regards,
Peter
Andrew G. Marshall says
Thank you for your comment and I’m sorry that your wife seems so determined to experience the single life. If you are thinking of having a trial separation, I have a post on the subject. Sometimes just talking about one calmly will bring matters to a head and sometimes the wife decides to try again. Even if this doesn’t happen, talking it through properly – rather than going off in a huff – will set up a better long term relationship as co-parents. Whatever happens, take things slowly as your feelings and hers will change as the situation evolves. Rushing into something running the risk of closing doors that you might rather have kept open.
Janice says
Dear Reader,
my experience is that asking ‘ How do I get my wife to fall back in love’ is the wrong question. It puts the emphasis on her as the one who has done something ‘wrong’ and so she needs to change, ie, fall back in love with you. I’m sure you sent a longer post, however the above section doesn’t actually state that you love her. Do you? Or do you simply (and I do get this if so) want nothing to change? If you do love her; how does she know? Actually feel it? Do you show you are pleased to see her at the end of the day? And no, I’m afraid paying the mortgage and helping with the kids, isn’t showing her. That’s what any decent person would do. sorry if this seems like a rant, afraid, as I said, it’s my experience (or how I experienced it)
Andrew G. Marshall says
Does sound like a rant to me… more a good question to ask: what do I need to change that will help my wife see me in a different light?
Nick says
Dear Andrew.
Can I firstly thank you for writing the ILYB book. It’s insightful, well written and quite a revelation from my point of view.
I’m sorry but I’m now going to ask for your advice on how I proceed regarding my marriage problems.
Jo and I have been together 18 and married 14 years with 2 gorgeous daughters of 8 and 11 years old.
I’ve never once ever done anything more than fantasise about being with another woman but earlier this year I thought I’d fallen in love with someone else after one brief meeting. We’ve got a friendship spanning 20 years but have never considered each other like this. Our relationship was classed as emotional infidelity although sex would have happened sooner or later I suspect! My wife found an email sent between us stating our love for one another whilst both confessing our confusion etc. My wife told me she had no feelings when she discovered the affair other than relief and was happy I’d found someone who lover me as she didn’t and hadn’t for as long as 5 or 6 years! She said she was leaving immediately and taking the girls. She said ILYB and I care for you deeply but…..! I was devasted and I went into a complete meltdown mentally. Jo didn’t leave though. Apparently when we started to talk she started to question things.
9 months have passed since then and it has culminated in me now being back with my parents for a 2 month break. Jo is deciding if she wants to save or end the relationship! I didn’t know until recently but I’ve just been diagnosed with complex ptsd. My best friends wife died last november from MND and watching her slowly die was horrendous. They have 3 kids and we’d been there with them and supporting them all the way. I had become close to Mandy and was there the night she died. I love my best friend dearly so try and be there for him and the boys as much as is possible. I have been deeply affected by her death without realising though. On top of that I had 2 nasty accidents the year before including being run over on purpose. It seems I’m not the same person anymore but I have found help now to slowly come to terms with everything from a wonderful counsellor. Unfortunately I’m having trouble coping with my marriage falling apart on top of it all. My mindset means I am making all the obvious mistakes as I’m lonely as well as desperate to be loved and held and it’s just putting immense pressure on my wife. Jo is supposed to be making a decision in 3 weeks time! I don’t know how to proceed without screwing everything up. Every little negative thing sends me into huge anxiety and I’m worried Jo will just throw in the towel as it’ll be easier than trying again.
Weirdly. ……Jo has said our marriage had been getting better in the last few years and was pretty good but now she’s said ILYB she cannot take it back! I’m too ashamed to tell her about my ptsd at the moment. I’m already feeling like a total failure. If I do she may well accuse me of making excuses for falling for the other woman. I’m stuck and don’t seem to see a way out??
Sorry for the long winded post….Lack of brevity is one of my many shortcomings!
Best wishes. Nick.
Andrew G. Marshall says
I’m not interested in anybody ‘taking back’ ILYB – because that would be denying their feelings – but understanding: how did we get to this point and what needs to change. In my experience, once the changes are made and each partner is allowed to express ‘so called’ negative feelings (like anger, resentment and bitterness) then the love returns. If you finding it hard to cope while your wife is deciding read ‘My wife doesn’t love me any more’ and start working on yourself with ‘Wake Up and Change Your Life’. It will give you something positive to do and each time you feel yourself starting to panic, you can open one of the books and get an injection of calm. In particular, I’d like you to early chapters of ‘Change’ and the maxim accept your feelings and challenge your thoughts With this is in mind it would be to accept ‘I’m ashamed’ (which is perfectly natural under the circumstances but to challenge ‘I’m a total failure’ because I’m sure that there are lots of areas where you are doing fine.
Nick says
Dear Andrew.
Thank you for the reply and your thoughtful advice. I’ve ordered the books and they’re in the post.
I’ve now plucked up the courage to tell Jo about my Ptsd and her reaction was one of care and concern. In fact she said she’d thought something was wrong for a long time.
Jo had also told me she hasn’t given up on us! It’s the most positive thing she has said so far. She’s asked for space, understanding and time. If I can treat her with care, compassion and understanding no matter what is thrown my way I feel we may have a good chance of working through this together.
Take care.
Best wishes. Nick.
Manuel erstad says
My wife of 20years has fallen in love with a close well I thought close friend of mines. He is in prison might get out one day cause 3strike law but maybe not. But why she prefers someone she never met in person over someone here live. So much runs in my mind..I wasn’t or I am not good at being a husband ,father,lover or at anything I can think of. So how do I get passed this
Andrew G. Marshall says
Focus on becoming the man you want to be and thinking about how to change for the better. You will find that your wife will begin to notice and become warmer towards you. That’s a good point to talk more about the kind of marriage you’d like to have and plan together how to achieve it.