When infidelity turns your life upside down, self-help books provide the hope that there is some kind of roadmap back to safety. At least, that’s the theory. But how do they work in practice?
Please meet my guest blogger, Helen Tower of Sailing Through Infidelity, who has kindly offered to share her thoughts on how my book How Can I Ever Trust You Again? helped her on her journey towards trusting her husband again.
Helen writes:
“How Can I Ever Trust You Again?”
As I was sailing through the painful aftermath of discovering my husband’s infidelity, Andrew G. Marshall noticed I had questions about being able to trust again.
Andrew has become an important member of my Twitter tribe of a few therapists who listen virtually to a bunch of betrayed spouses and a few brave betrayers on their quest to recovery.
We all want to recover from trauma, we all want to live a happier life. That’s why I decided to order the printed version of the book that Andrew recommended How Can I Ever Trust You Again?
Personally, I don’t want to settle for less than a life even happier than the one I had before my husband considered cheating: that is why I read and review books on affair recovery.
I had already read several other books on infidelity, but I found many useful nuggets for everyday life in How Can I Ever Trust You Again?
From discovery to recovery, as Andrew puts it, I was nine months in—and I was feeling stuck. What happened, I wondered, once we had done all that our counsellor outlined to find happiness in our marriage again?
I really liked the idea of the seven steps presented in the book to be able to trust my ex-unfaithful husband again. Although we are probably at stage five, I started from the very beginning, as there are many tips from the earlier stages that are still useful later on.
Stage One: Shock and Disbelief
Betrayal shatters trust, so the triggers I face can make me feel suspicious even today. Andrew helpfully explains the difference between legitimate worry and being paranoid.
I love that he encourages the reader to write lists of facts, feelings and thoughts. I had already experienced creative writing as a powerful tool to organise ideas and even heal from trauma before my husband’s affair.
When you have a gut feeling about something being out of place, you need to carry out a perfect inquiry to find out the truth as efficiently as possible. The book provides you with prompts, questions and specific words you can incorporate in conversations with your partner.
These are great tips to improve communication in your life forever—not just post-affair.
Stage Two: Intense Questioning
We were already over this stage when I got the book, as my husband had disclosed all I needed to know during the first three months after discovery day.
I still benefited, though, from the statistics quoted by Andrew. It is comforting to see that we are not alone in our predicament and that there are other cases in which the discovered is not willing to disclose the information that is important for the healing of the discoverer.
I found particularly useful a reminder about an equation that I had come across before. I don’t think you can look at this too many times:
Problem + poor communication + temptation = infidelity.
Stage Three: Decision Time
Should you stay or should you go? Andrew describes eight different types of affairs and how one can evolve into another. My husband’s affair started “accidentally” with a colleague and evolved into “self-medication”.
It was very useful to understand the reasons that facilitate the particular type of infidelity, the implications and the personality traits behind them.
The visualization exercise—where you imagine you and your partner years into the future—helps put the affair into perspective. It provides a solid base for you to decide whether to fight for your marriage (with or without your partner’s cooperation).
Stages Four, Five and Six: Hope, Attempted Normality and Despair
These are the stages of the cha-cha-cha dance. Emotional flooding, triggers, lovemaking, reconnection, reality checks, transparency and childhood traumas and beliefs. I feel that I jump from one of these stages to any other without warning and in no particular order.
The examples provided plenty of situations I could identify with. There is a lot of information to take in, so I highlighted the exercises that apply to our case.
I’m planning to keep the book as a reference for the times when I need a reminder of how far we’ve come in recovering from this life-altering experience.
The silver lining
The book includes an extra chapter for diversions, derailments and dead-ends before looking at the Seven Lessons we can learn from infidelity.
This is not an experience that is desirable but if it happens, we must make the best out of it. You can come out a stronger person, with better communication skills and knowing who the best people are to keep in your life.
It is not over…
I cannot say I will ever trust my husband the same way I did before the infidelity. I never thought he would lie to me the way he did.
I have written my own story in a book that attempts to present the facts as raw as possible. Since I’ve kept my identity secret, I share many details that have helped other people find support. You are not alone if you are Sailing Through Infidelity. You can also connect with me on Twitter or Facebook.
Sonet Luke says
My husband cheated on me and had a baby with the other woman, I’m devastated
Andrew G. Marshall says
Sorry to hear that you have joined the worst club in the world. Read other people’s experiences here as it will make you feel less alone.
Dawn Grebinar says
Hello Andrew,
Today marks the one year mark since I discovered my husband was unfaithful. I have written you often over the last year with questions about the various stages of recovery. Today, my husband and I in a good place but I guess I expected some peace or eureka moment when I approached this day. Some sort of commemoration of surviving the year and all the pain. . But today, I don’t feel anything. I am no longer angry. I am no longer in pain. I am no longer in the depths of despair. I do feel deep love for my husband and a physical connection. It is strange going from the intensity of emotions that come with betrayal to the normalcy of marriage. I do have this lingering thought that I need closure to move on from this horrific year. A final release of emotions and/or some type of gesture from my husband that we have made something special out of this wreckage and now we need to acknowledge it and look at it daily as a reminder that what we have is precious and should never be taken for granted again. I don’t necessarily know what that reminder should look like though. So I guess my question to you is how do you honor the moment when your old marriage ended and your new marriage was born? When do I let go of the past? And not think about it?
Sincerely,
Dawn
Andrew G. Marshall says
I am glad that my books and blogs have helped. You have come a long way. Congratulations. You seem to have two questions this time. Firstly, how do I mark beginning of my new marriage and the birth of my second. It sounds like a great topic to discuss with your husband. Perhaps you would like to go on a special holiday together. Perhaps you would like to do some sort of ceremony – for example building a fire on a beach and dancing round it. You could throw something that symbolises the affair or old marriage on the fire and when it does out and cools taking some of the ashes home in a special box. The only limit is your imagination. Secondly, when do you let go of the past. This is a gradual process rather than once and forever. I think it will be much easier in the second year but when the old feelings come back. Acknowledge them. Name them. Hold them lightly and see if they go on their own accord. If not, there may be still some learning to do. You might also like to join my infidelity support where there are others going through the same issuesAndrew G. Marshall’s Infidelity Survival Training and Support Group
Diane says
Just found out that my husband of 30 marriage is Avana fair he’s with the woman now he comes up every day kisses and cuddles says he loves me they seem to all happen two years ago he got accused of sexual assault plus rape I should buy him knowing that he would never do nothing like that and then he told me he didn’t care for women he hated women do you want me to touch you kiss me every morning and night and then year and he’s had an affair doesn’t know who to choose Going to counselling to see why he’s done this why he put his love for me to one side and blame me for everything as it was not one of my friends he done it to him I am totally heartbroken with my world is ended
Andrew G. Marshall says
I would be very concerned if he has been accused of sexual assault plus rape. The idea that you ‘know’ him and ‘he would never do anything like that’ has a totally new spin when you have discovered he has had an affair. Phrases like ‘he didn’t care for women’ and ‘he hates them’ does not sound like someone who has looked at what he has done and is prepared to learn from it. He sounds more like a man trying to close and down and forget what he has done. He does not sound like a man to trust. I would suggest talking to someone and sharing all your fears and deciding what to do when you have laid everything out on the table.
Kate says
How do I let go of an emotional affair? My boyfriend was in contact and had regular meet ups with his ex for 6 months during our relationship which he concealed from me. Whenever I found out about it he promised me it would be the last time. As far as I’m aware there was so physical cheating but I did see texts where he lied and told her I didn’t exist and that he still loved her etc. They have stopped speaking now and my boyfriend has been ideal since but I still think about it daily. I can’t help but think he chose her over me and that im the second option to her.
Andrew G. Marshall says
I am torn in two about how to answer your post. One half of me does not want you to ‘let go’. If he is lying and pretending you do not exist, it does raise questions about whether you should move from being boyfriend and girlfriend to being partners. However, the other half wants to look further at why you feel staying in the relationship is ‘choosing her over me’. It suggests to me a deep seated feeling of being second best. I wonder where this comes from? Perhaps all the way back to your childhood? So I would be interested not so much in focusing on getting back trust but getting to know YOURSELF better.