A Reader Writes…
I recently began re-reading your book I Love You but I’m Not in Love With You and the material is the closest advice that I can sincerely relate to. I have fallen in love with someone else but I am married to a patient and loving husband yet somehow I’m still not fulfilled.
We have been married for 5 years and together for over 8 but I feel like we’re both at a point where it’s just complacent. We started seeing a therapist for a few months but that has now stopped. I don’t feel we can effectively communicate because he’s reactions are so sporadic. I don’t know if he will get into a rage or start getting emotional.
What’s worse is that I think I may have fallen in love with someone at work. Nothing physically has happened but I’m consumed with guilt because my thoughts are constantly for this other person. We have good conversations, shared interests, and I feel he understands me. I’ve come to the realization that I’m having an emotional affair. I feel that I’ve been trying to work on this marriage, I’ve tried to minimize interactions with my co-worker, tried to be engaged with my husband, read self-help books, keeping myself distracted but I’m afraid I don’t have that desire to try even harder.
Looking back at our marriage, we’ve had a lot of conflicts and though I love and care for my husband I may have also married partly for security and companionship. I only want the best for him and he deserves someone that can return his love but I don’t know if I can be that person. I feel like I’m just forcing myself and I get anxious and depressed about it when I do, especially because I’m still thinking about this other person. I honestly don’t know what to do, whether to keep trying harder on the marriage or be on my own because I was never really on my own before we got married and was dependent on my husband.
Andrew Replies…
I admire your determination and your good sense in stepping back from the brink of an affair. However, I can feel your inner strength crumbling as the letter goes on. I’m sure you realise this and that’s why you’ve written to me.
So what should you do? I think you’ve got to be extremely brave and come clean to your husband. Your marriage has gone from ‘I love you but you I’m not in love with you’ to ‘I don’t you love you any more’. You’ve tried to make things better but, as he knows, the couple counselling did not work. He is bound to ask if there is anybody else and you will need to tell him about the other man, how you recognised the problem, stepped back and stopped everything but essential work related contact. However, you are finding it hard to keep to your resolve. You don’t know what you want now but if things continue as they are you will explode – not now, not tomorrow but sometime soon (and you will have an affair and make everybody completely and utterly miserable).
What happens next depends on him (and you, but I will come to that in a moment). Once the shock and anger has worn off, he might be resigned to splitting up. In which case, you will have to deal with the guilt of being the person to throw in the towel but you will be free to discover who you are (rather than one half of a marriage). However, please do not restart your affair until you are properly separated as this would make the end of your marriage unnecessarily messy.
It could be that he will beg for another chance. This might seem, at first sight, less appealing. However, instead of being locked with your self-help books alone, it will be two of you trying to make matters better (and sometimes the threat of an affair or divorce is enough to get a man motivated to change in a way that lots of asking nicely doesn’t achieve).
However, this is where I think what comes next is down to you too. You need to learn to cope with his ‘sporadic’ communication. Let me explain what I mean, at the heart of your letter, there is a paradox. You complain that your husband is patient and loving (but I assume rather passionless) but when he shows something else, you’re critical because he is full or rage (which is certainly passionate!) or he gets emotional (which I guess is tears and again full of emotions). And that’s the quandary, we want the nice polite parts of love and don’t want to engage with the conflict (the not agreeing, getting angry part) but if we squash down all that so called stuff…..we’re left with half a person, passionless companionship and ILYB.
I know you’re going to say I can have passion and connection with Mr X but that’s just limerence and it will wear off. In all good relationships, you need to be able to live with the light AND the dark side of someone.
Ask yourself, why do I find my husband’s upset so difficult? How did my parent’s deal with conflict? What am I really frightened of? Try acknowledging your husband’s anger – rather than squashing it down (see My Wife Doesn’t Love Me Any More). Take a few deep breaths and sit tight. When the storm has passed, you can start to talk properly and possibly resolve your underlying issues.
So it’s over to you. I wish there was something easier to suggest than telling the truth because it’s painful and difficult….. but the alternative – having an affair – will end up being far worth. Over to you.
Candy says
Hi Andrew,
I have been married 31 years and have recently started communicating through text with a high school classmate. My husband is a good father but I am not quite sure what I can say about him as a husband. I have stayed true and have made every attempt to make things better for the sake of keeping my family in tact. My daughters are adults and my youngest has suffered from the side effects of our toxic relationship. My oldest daughter recognizes my unhappiness and wants me to make changes.
I grew up in a toxic, mental and emotional home. I met my husband and soon married moving into a more toxic situation with all types of abuse. I am seeing a counselor and she a move like I made is quite common.
My husband has a ton of narcissistic ways. He shows no empathy, he is never wrong and everything is my fault, he never apologizes, andvis manipulative. Our communication is awful. I have tried to sit down and have a conversation about my unhappiness. He either clams up or claims I am ruining his life by wanting to take half his pension if I left him. It always escalates to a scary situation because his temper gets out of control. After being physically abused by him, I try not to go there because I am afraid of him.
He is afraid of everything and doesn’t want to do anything other than our normal daily routine which consists of him working, sleeping for a couple of hours, eating dinner, going upstairs in the TV room watching reruns, takes no a bath, and going to bed…EVERY night.
He has had three affairs that I know of. One was like revolving door for over ten years. We moved to Seattle and I thought it would stop but he continues to call her. He denies this relationship and always says I accuse him. I know about the relationship from his friends, finding things, seeing them together, etc. He used to always compare me to her and I struggle with resentment in the bedroom.
When I look back on our marriage we haven’t really had one good year. I have made so many sacrifices to keep my family together, but I am only 53 and don’t want to spend the rest of my life walking on egg shells and not experiencing anything. I told him when we have grandchildren I want to be able to share our experiences not have only a big house and money to talk about. He said “I don’t want to travel just to say I have been there, I have had my experiences.” He rarely tells me that he loves me unless he has mad me mad or hurt me. Then it’s all hugs and baby talk. Making love is not that, it is wam bam we are done no kissing, foreplay, nothing.
Moving on. Several years back the classmate I mentioned above contacted me and said he really hoped I could make the reunion. I couldn’t make it and just forgot about it. We are friends on Facebook and we comment on each other’s posts and that is about it. Then our 35th class reunion rolled around and he messaged me with hope that I was coming. I didn’t go. Then two months ago I had to fly to Illinois for my father’s heart surgery. I posted a request for prayers and mentioned my travels. The classmate commented saying he would like to see me. I thought it was sweet because I knew of him in school but never actually met him. I attempted to meet him at a bar one evening but it just didn’t work out. He was very kind saying family comes first.
When I returned home I started to receive messages from him casually asking how my day was. Note I never hear that from my husband. I posted a picture of me with my father. That evening the classmate messages me saying it was a great picture. That night I showed my husband the same picture and he said “your hair is too black.” I became aware of my feelings or lack of feelings when I was in Illinois. I noticed I really didn’t miss my husband. I missed my state, my dog, and my house, but had to remind myself to call my husband.
Since I have been home I have a messaging conversation with the classmate nearly every night. It started out sporadic, then became more consistent waking up to “Good morning beautiful! Enjoy your day” and going to bed with sweet good nights. I got to the point where I began thinking about him often and looked forward to is messages. He was married and has two adult children. He told me his ex-wife cheated on him and he raised the two children on his own. I became suspicious of sone of things he was telling me so I pulled up past history. Two DVO, jail time for violating a DVO, a small claims case for forsible entry, and foreclosure on his house. I questioned him about all this and did explain the situation but it all seems twisted. I told him I could not continue talking because most of all I need honesty. We didn’t talk for a couple of days and I messaged him to see if he was okay. He has been single for ten years and I didn’t want to hurt him. We began talking again and it has led to emotions of love. He is kind, very passionate, only wants me to be happy, is very selfless, thoughtful, and faithful to his religion. Having said that, he has had many jobs, very little money, and claims he is living with his mom because she is ill and he is helping out. I can talk to him about anything. We joke and we talk about serious matters. He shares photos of his kids and grandson and tells me his daily activities. He randomly messages me during the day just to say hello and hope my day is going well. He tells me I am beautiful and an amazing person. I know he believes he has found a soulmate in me, but although I have strong feelings, I am a little bit skeptical. I feel incredibly horrible doing this as it has become an emotional affair. I at times think I am no different than my husband.
I believe the classmate is giving me the emotional needs I am lacking with my husband. It is a real draw, but his life is very different than mine. We compliment each other yet have a lot in common too.
Is it possible the classmate is just an infactuation fulfilling what I am missing? He lives 2000 miles away from me and we haven’t talked on the phone or seen each other in person. Has he connected to me because he is lonely? I am married yet lonely too. Could that be the purpose of our connection? Do you believe people enter our lives for a reason? I have been unhappy for a long time but didn’t have the strength to leave my husband. I honestly never knew what it felt to be loved until I became involved with the classmate. My work hours have been cut so my salary is low and I can’t seem to get a job in my field. I feel a bit trapped. Not sure which direction to go.
The classmate wants me to visit him but although I want to, I am apprehensive because I believe it will go a direction against my morals. I love my husband but I am not in love with him. I do believe I maybe falling in love with the classmate but I am so confused. I just don’t want to make a mistake.
I know if I were with the classmate I would be appreciated, respected, and loved. I don’t believe my husband will ever change and I can’t rely on him to make me happy, that’s my job.
Do you have any comments or suggestions?
Andrew G. Marshall says
I think you should read back your posting because you’ve discovered that your old school friend has a record of domestic violence – and he’s violated orders and ended up in prison! But you’re talking as if he is your saviour and considering him your sole mate. I don’t often give advice but it sounds to me like you’re about to jump out of the frying pan into the fire. When we’re in a tough place – and your marriage sounds horrible – it is human nature to want someone to come along and make it all right (in fairy tales they rescue us). However, the only person who can sort this out is you. Why do put up with a manipulative husband and are thinking of going off with a man who is probably cut from similar cloth? It’s probably because you were trained from an early age to put up with bad behaviour? What was your father like? So my advice would be to start seeing a therapist not your old school friend. He or she will help you step back and see the whole picture. If you do decide to leave your husband it will be because you’ve had enough – rather than being blamed for splitting up the ‘happy’ home. Good luck.
Rosa says
I am married I have kid with that person. I am not with that person I left him when my kid was 4 months. But I have a boyfriend I have 3 other kids with him. It’s been 14year I been with him . Can i get remarried
Andrew G. Marshall says
I’m not a legal expert but don’t you have to be divorced before you can marry someone else? I suggest you consult a lawyer.
Patty says
Andrew, Thank you for the advice that you have to the above writer. As I read her letter to you, I felt like I was reading my own life. I am in a 2nd marriage, 7yrs together total /4yrs married. I to feel like I married for security & companionship. I knew from day one that I was never in-love with him. What “love” I did have for him was lost long ago, do to his horrible verbal, emotional, & mental abuse. Like the previous writer, we have done counseling ~ 3 different times, all resulting with the counselor telling us that he/she could not help us, because my husband refused to try. He is a text book Narcissist & Can Not see things from other’s point of view. To give him a hypothetical situation is like hitting your head against a brick wall and expecting a positive result! He doesn’t get it! He can make EVERY conversation about himself & his ONLY concern is “how something will effect him, benefit him, or inconvenience him”! He has NO sympathy or empathy for other’s, yet expects other’s to have it for him. His temper has the “fuse” of a fire cracker, & he explodes at the drop of a hat. Up until a year & a half ago, I had been doing child care as employment. He felt that was not a “real job” & would treat me like a door mat, because I had been home all day. After 6 yrs, I went back into the work force. I had warned him that things would change once I did so. The biggest change has been that my self confidence has come back as well as the self assurance that I will never allow another man to treat me the way he has. We basically now just share a house ~ I have moved my bedroom downstairs (He is upstairs). We have very little to no physical contact. I to have met a man at work that I have began to have feelings for, and he for me. We have not physically acted on them, but have admitted the attraction to one another. It is also very obvious to co-workers that there is a mutual attraction between the two of us. He knows my situation & wants to “respect” my marriage ~ which makes me even more attracted to him. I have brought up divorce to my husband, to which he “flips out” & then says he “loves” me & wants us to “try”. What he doesn’t understand is that I am done trying & have already checked out of the relationship. I am here for two reasons, health insurance for me and financial help for him! Once we get a few more things paid down &/or off, I will seriously “revisit” the divorce idea with my spouse. Wish me Luck!
Andrew G. Marshall says
I respect the work you have done on yourself and your attempts to change you marriage and, of course, wish you luck for what comes next.
Mandy says
This is helpful to me. I’ve been going through something similar. When I met my current husband I had just gotten out of a very long relationship in which I really cared for the person, but he had problems with alcohol and general responsibility, and would often land himself in jail or become unemployed. I loved him so I tried to stick around and help but found it to be detrimental to my mental wellbeing. So after I left him, I very soon met my husband. It was honestly bad timing. I really just wanted to be alone for a while and rediscover myself, but at the same time really loved the attention I was getting. He made me feel loved, and he was a much more stable person, but I lacked any deep feelings for him from the get go. I broke it off but then felt that loneliness sink in and he charmed me so I went back and moved in with him for a few months. He wanted to marry a few months later and I agreed, but even that day I felt I may be making a mistake and marrying for the wrong reasons. Fast forward to now, a couple years later. My husband is sweet and loving, but unambitious, antisocial, and complacent. I found myself feeling very detached, frustrated by lack of common interest, frustrated by his lack of ambition and socialness. In some ways we are complete opposites and I feel like we will never really understand each other even if we try. I’m so much more driven, he feels like a dead weight sometimes which makes me feel shallow and selfish. Is it wrong to desire someone that can match that to some degree?
And then there’s this guy. I’ve known him for years but only as an acquaintance ,partly because I found him very attractive and charming and partly because he lives in a far away state. But one day we got to know each other, and it was like a bomb went off. He checks all my boxes and makes me feel things I haven’t felt for anyone. We couldn’t stop talking to each other, we’ve made plans for a business together, I went out to visit him (strictly as a friend) and had an amazing time. I find myself drifting even farther from my husband, and wondering if I am missing my chance with someone more compatible because I settled for someone who was there for me when I needed something stable. It pains me to say but I’ve even hoped a little that my husband might meet someone else too so I feel less guilty about wanting to pursue this. I’m trying to ignore these feelings and make things work, but at the same time I worry I’m wasting his time and mine.
Andrew G. Marshall says
Look at all the relationships in your life and put them side by side in order. Is there a pattern? Do you go for intense passionate relationships – often with unsuitable people – which burnt bright but end up burning you. And then do you go for a nice man who is a bit dull but makes you feel safe but ultimately bores you? Are you about to repeat the pattern? And if you are… why is this happening? What is your relationship with your father like? Is he a charming bad boy who ultimately hurt you or keeps hurting you? How did your parents get on? What does this relationship tell you about your own relationships? I’ve one final question to ask you: why is you knew this man was going to cause trouble did you arrange to spend more time together – even as friends – because deep down you knew this would lead to trouble?
Mandy says
I wouldn’t say it’s a pattern necessarily, but I will readily admit I overcorrected for issues I had in the first relationship with the second. It wasn’t my intention to become close to the other guy, it happened organically and once he realized he liked me I had a hard time ignoring his desire to talk to me, so I thought I could detach enough to handle it and just keep him at arms length. I wouldn’t say he’s a swing in the opposite direction, he has some similar good qualities to the first, but is much more mature and lacks the problems the former has. I suppose I just want someone who is the best of both worlds, because you’re right, I don’t want to create a pattern like you described. As for my parents, they are divorced, and my relationship with both parents is loving but very distant.
Alison says
I have been unhappily married for 3 years and we have a child. he is too naive and don’t like to help around the house. Don’t like pay bills, I’m the man of this marriage. He beats me, spit on me and etc… I was trying to love him, but I couldn’t because his character. He wants sex all the time.. I do everything around the house. I take the kid to school, cook dinner,wash clothes and etc. I don’t feel anything when he touches me. I only loved one man and now he is now married. I reach out to him last week to see if there were still some hope. Please help me out.
Andrew G. Marshall says
Your husband is being violently abusive and your child is witnessing what’s happening. I know this is easy for me to say but you need to leave him (or ask him to leave). However, fleeing to the arms of another men is not the solution. You will just be jumping from the frying pan into the fire. Think about how you get help from to stand up to your husband? Is there a refuge for domestic violence where you live? Is there a woman’s group who could offer support or your church or social services. It is never wise to enter into a new relationship until you have finished the previous one.
Alison says
You are right, I’ll take your advice. I do go to the church but i’m very embarrassed to tell my pastor..I feel like i’m loosing my mind.i’m not happy at all in this marriage
Questionsaboutlife says
I’ve got a good one for you. I was in a committed relationship with a man who treated me right. I was just getting over my college love and my BF at the time was a star in the relationship field. Great responder, company keeper, helper, and driver for me. Almost nothing was wrong with him, I just didn’t feel the big “L”. I loved him for Who he was but I didn’t love “him” or “us”. It wasn’t the same feelings I had for my ex or anything. No sparks what so ever. Well almost a year passed we moved in together plans of marriage and boom! We got a new co-worker. He was a crap worker (to me the perfectionist) but he was sweet and cute. It wasn’t a sexual attraction though(I’ve never been physically attracted to people). From one look I could tell he was sad and needed a friend. So I pushed him to open up. I tried to invite him out,set him up on dates, the whole 9 yards. But as a child of physical and verbal abuse he just couldn’t open up to anyone that wasn’t me. We grew together a lot. I was getting married soon and stuck to my promise. We haven’t talked about it, but it was always like our unspoken rule that we both cared for each other as more than friends but knew I was taken. My husband and I got married and a year has passed. I still talk to my co-worker and it feels like we are closer and closer. He knows everything about me and never judges me for My past. I know everything about him and couldn’t be prouder of what he’s overcome. I love my husband and would never cheat on him or do anything inappropriate but I don’t capital “L” love him. I can’t tell him anything about my past because when a joke about something or use the whole “my friend Jenny did this once” he shuts down and is very adamant about not accepting whatever I’m saying. I can’t love someone who doesn’t accept me for me. I feel like I got married out of fear and met my just after we started dating. I don’t know if I’m staying to hurt him less or because I made a promise and I’m too proud or want to be a woman of my word.
Andrew G. Marshall says
I don’t know what happened in your past but I sense it was something that has made it hard for you to open up to people too…. (possibly emotional or physical abuse like your friend?). So I wonder if you find it hard to reach the love with a capital L with your husband is because that’s a way of protecting yourself from being hurt. Before you make any big decisions about your marriage, I think you should get to understand yourself better and heal the old wounds – because I think that would deepen your relationship with your husband and who knows what that would bring.
Lucy says
I have been with my husband for 7 years and married for 4 years. Our relationship has been the edge after the 1st 4 months, when we bacame a long distance relationship. After 3 years of dating we got married. We have always been great team mates, setting goals and completing them and helping eachother advance in our education. But for the last 3 years of our marriage he has been physical and verbally dismissive and abusive. I have coped and fought for his attention and affection since before we got married. I agreed to marry him only if he treated me as good as his ex and he agreed. But in this year, I suppose something snapped. I have met a person through FB that has been such a breath of fresh air. We share simular thoughts and ideas, he has encouraged me spiritually and emotionally to fight for my marriage. Unfurtuanlly we are both of the same faith and adultery is not something we would like to do, but I just can’t help but realize how at ease I am with this man.
My husband may have senced my lack of effort to fight back or, fight for us. So he hired a VERY GOOD private investigator. He took snap shots of our conversations and traveled to my home town 200miles away to have a conference with my parents with out talking to me 1st of his findings. I have lost respect for him since then. And have attempted to cut the other man out of my life for the sake of my marriage and our 2 year old daughter. Some how the new man came back into my life and the have connected deeper than my husband and I have ever connected emotionalmy and intellectually. I love his “go and get it” attitude, his soft words of encouragement, his athleticism, his taste in music and ability to expand my thoughts and curiosity. We read books suggested by each other and keep each other posted in current events. My husband’s answer for everything is, “I don’t know ” and it stops there. He has always been simple, but now I have had enough of his lack of interest in me and my interests. It’s always about his money, his business and how we look to the world. But inside our home it is dry and non compermising. He makes no time for us. Ever.
I found out I was pregnant with our second child after our 1st reveal of my extern relationship. I am due to give birth at the beginning of 2018 and I want to be free of my marriage. My husband says he loves me, but does not know how to love me. His touch makes me cringe. I have realized what he has done in the past has damaged my ability to love him fully. Divorce has been brought up 5 times in last year. I was sure we should get one. He hired the same GREAT private investigator to hack my accounts and found out I was still in communication with the guy. My heart is torn. I have told my friend of my husband’s actions and he agrees we should end it. We have but I mourn our friendship. He was able to remind me of who I am and what was so beautiful about life. Where I am flawed thinks it’s besutiful. I fear that after having 2 young children and a divorce will make me undesirable, and I will be a lonely divorcee for the rest of my life. But at the same time I don’t want to feel dead inside for the rest if my life just for the sake of saving face, looking successful at social events.
Husband is still trying to fix us. Harder than ever. He low around the house and asks how my day is now…. I’m surprised . But it’s not enough. Should I just suck it up and give in or persue a life of where I will have acceptance.?
Andrew G. Marshall says
If your husband is genuine about trying to fix your marriage – which will mean change (not just for you but him too) – I would suggest going into marriage counselling. It would give you a chance to be heard and for the two of you to decide if your marriage really does have a future. In the meantime, you need to TRULY stop communicating with the other man – so there is room in your heart for your husband. My hope is the counselling will allow you to build a new and better marriage where you do feel accepted. If not that you’ll decide together to end the marriage – with less recrimination and able to work as a team to raise your children. These are two good outcomes. The worst one would be to ‘suck it up’ and carry on as you are – because you’ll either sink into depression or start another affair.
Andrew says
I have been married to my wife for 9 years, we have 3 great children together, although I feel I only ever married her to provide security for the kids.
A few years ago, I found that my wife was sending and receiving explicit videos with a former workmate. Ever since, I have been repulsed by her touch, unable to trust her.
Having been made redundant, I returned to university to retrain, combining studying and looking after the children while my wife works. I am unable to work as I am awaiting surgery to help a long term injury. I have met a woman who I get on with on a personal and emotional level. My wife is extremely narcissistic and it is impossible to have any kind of emotional connection with her over the past few years. She claims to have had no contact with the former workmate, but I know she still speaks to him through Facebook where she has set up what she thinks is a secret account.
I have never had a physical relationship with another woman since meeting my wife, and for the sake of my children I won’t, but I feel my marriage is over. I am stuck though as I refuse to leave my children.
Help!
Alaina N says
Hi Andrew!
I’ve been married for 6 years and been together with my spouse for for 8 years and the beginning of our relationship was like a fairytale. He was so perfect and I was deeply in love with him. He has a 9 year old son (now) and I’ve accepted him like my own, we now have a four year old and we live in a different city from our step son due to job opportunities.
Our whole marriage we’ve managed to have issues coming from either me or him. Recently it’s been horrible. Horrible to the point where we are way past the line of respect when we fight. I’ve noticed a pattern where every time we fight, he says he’s going to sleep upstairs because he can’t stand me and he doesn’t know why he still continues to be in this marriage, and each time I go up there crying, apologizing, try to get to understand where I’m coming from and he just “blacks out” or so he says and says the worst things. He says I’m a cry baby, and tells me to have self respect and dignity. I just cry more.
Recently I started chatting with a co worker and I feel like I’m having a emotional affair because I’m developing feelings for him because he’s so sweet and we just connect. We have almost the same likes, he makes me smile on a daily basis, and looks at me in a way that makes me feel special. We tried hanging out once and I was under the influence of alcohol and we kissed but he stopped it because deep down I know it bothers him that I am married. He briefly knows about the problems that my husband and I are having, but I don’t go into detail. We’ve kinda stopped the chatting and texting but he’s always on my mind and I’m on his. Everyone claims to see that he “brightens up” every time he sees me and I “smile and look so happy around him” but that’s it
My husband is x military with ptsd anxiety and depression and tbi. We’ve tried to go to the VA and all they do is give him meds. They have offered suooort groups and marriage counseling but he doesn’t want anything to do with any of that. The way he copes with it is ALCoHol and lots of it!!! He drinks everyday and I don’t like it. He drinks at home and sometimes goes for the VFW.
I recently started thinking if it’s ok for him to do it, then why can’t I?
So I started going out with friends and I noticed my husband and I got to the point where it was like we were only living together like roomates. He went off to Georgia to go party with friends and came back later. We got into a fight when he got back and he told me that this is why he needs to get away because I bitch and complain. When do I get to just get up and leave my responsibilities?
He continued to say I don’t want to be with u anymore, I wanna do me, I just don’t wanna be married! And for some reason (I’m still trying to figure it why) I asked him and begged him to stay and work things out: we still fight and mind you it’s he petty shit. Like responsibilities and chores. And I’m just not happy. I feel like he’s trying but only when it’s convienent or he wants too. I feel scarred with all the ugly he’s said but idk why I’m still here…when all I can think another is the other guy.
Andrew G. Marshall says
You know the other guy is not going to solve your problems? It’s just going to makes matters worse. Instead of thinking about this other guy, you’d be much better thinking about why you still want to be married? Other questions to consider: Is your husband an alcoholic? If he is, you will need help yourself. Look at the websites for partners of alcoholics and see if there is a meeting close by.
AnotherBrokenFather says
I’m in a similar predicament, my wife is no longer “in love” with me and she no longer wants to try. She had 1 affair that lasted a year and cheated once? with her “bff”. She claims that the friend was a mistake, but she refuses to let him go since they’ve been friends since before we met. She says she isn’t fulfilled in our marriage even though I’m a good husband and father. It’s the classic, “It’s not you, but it’s me.” excuse.
I feel as if anyone should be “unhappy” (as she claims to be) it should be me. She doesn’t exactly check off all the things on my list either. She doesn’t pursue any hobbies and seems content with working and being on social media and watching reality TV. She says that she can’t talk to me even though I’m a pretty good conversationalist with most people.
I’ve accepted that she doesn’t love me and I don’t really feel that hot passionate feeling for her either anymore. For some reason, it doesn’t seem worth it to me to break up our son’s home over that. We get along pretty good for the most part. We both have pretty good jobs, we live in a great neighborhood, and I help equally around the house.
I know no one is obligated to date or stay with you for those reasons, but it just seems unfair that she wants to split our home. We created a loving environment for our son and I can’t stand the idea of hurting him so badly. She says she doesn’t know why she’s so “unhappy”, but I suspect it’s because she secretly wants to be with her “friend”. She claims she doesn’t like him like that, but whenever I monitor her phone bill, she talks to him a lot every day. They don’t even live in the same state.
We don’t have any other major issues in our marriage (even though our sex life is suffering like crazy now. she claims she isn’t sexually attracted to me). I’m a pretty decent looking guy, I stay fit and in the gym, and I get looks from women from time to time.
We do fun family things together, but she isn’t interested in doing things alone with me. She claims to have a good time with me whenever we do though. She says that I deserve someone who will love me the way I deserve. I just want my family. I don’t care for the hot lusty love because it makes people do stupid things. I’ve been there before, seen it happen with friends, and usually the people end up hating each other’s guts in the end once the honeymoon phase is over. That type of ‘love’ blinds you and it’s all smoke and mirrors. It’s like a drug.
I’m at my wit’s end. This whole episode is causing me to lack focus because I obsessively research articles and comments all the time. I would let her go and get over her because truth be told, I do feel that I would do pretty good on the dating market. At least I wouldn’t have my esteem in tatters for being rejected for sex 90% of the time. I just want to keep my family and not put our son through this. On the other hand, I don’t want her to be with me if she is so “unhappy” with being here.
I don’t know how her desire to go out and either date other people or possibly her ‘friend’ is stronger than the desire to be with a good (not perfect)husband and keep our home in tact.
I don’t get it. I’m not a pushover, I’m fairly attractive, I cook and clean, I have a great job, I listen to her, We have fun when we get a chance to go out, I teach her new things. Our sex life was pretty good. She thinks I’m smart. I just don’t get it.
So confused.
Andrew G. Marshall says
You probably don’t get it because it goes deeper than unhappiness. The fact that she is talking so much to someone from the past suggesting that it is a long term problem. Instead of researching articles, I would suggest reading my book ‘It’s not a midlife crisis, it’s an opportunity’ – not because I want to peg her with the MLF label but because this is the time when lots of issues from the past come back and bite us on the bum. It could be that she is interested enough to discover what’s behind her unhappiness but sadly lots of people find the these questions tough and would rather answer easy ones – like do I want to chat to my old friend. If she truly is not interested in finding out what needs to change to improve your marriage and you’re not that fussed either it would probably be best to talk about ending it by agreement (rather than waiting until one of you is angry bitter and drives the marriage against a brick wall, which will really hurt your son).
Danielle says
Dear, Andrew.
I need your help. I have been married for almost 16 years to my husband and we have 4 kids. I thought my marriage was perfect, but it wasn’t, apparently. 4 years ago, he started to mistreat me, yell at me, and accuse me of looking at other men. He would have me in tears and just mentally and emotionally abuse me. A year later he confessed his infidelities to me. There were several accounts throughout the years while I was having his babies. This hurt me to the core to the point where I almost drove myself off the road. I didn’t want to live anymore. I should’ve left then, but I wanted to be a good Christian and make my marriage work. And I didn’t want to become a divorcee like my parents. So I forgave him, but in the last 3 years, he’s been even more verbally, mentally and emotionally abusive to me. Each time there’s a blowup, I say it’s okay, things start looking up and BAM, it happens again. Each time it pushes me further and further away from him and more and more out of love with him. I don’t love my husband anymore and I am no longer in love with him. He knows all of this and months ago, I told I don’t want to stay with him. So we’re separated in the same house. It’s hard for me because I’m a stay at home mom and have no income. So leaving isn’t easy. What do I do? The other thing is, an old friend has found me after 20 years. He was my 1st boyfriend and my 1st kiss. We’ve connected on a level that I’ve never experienced before with anyone. He knows me better than anyone, even my own husband. And after reconnecting and talking with him, I’ve fallen in love. Is this an emotional affair? Could this be my true love? I sure do believe he is. And how do I get out of this marriage? Help!
Andrew G. Marshall says
Finish your marriage before you even THINK about a new relationship. Otherwise, your husband will blame you for the break-up and make ending your marriage even harder. So get support from your friends, your church and your family and be clear: I want a divorce and I want you to move out.
MICHELLE says
hi,
I am not legally married , but i have been with my partner for 13years ever since I was 18. I’m almost 31. we have a beautiful 5 year old daughter that we both adore.(shes daddys girl). since February of this year I met someone that’s 15 years older than me. and from the moment I met him we connected. He is amazing and he has showed me and treated me so different then my partner has in this 13 years. I can feel that it is different I have never felt this way about someone. I’m confused I don’t know what to do. My partner and I have not been intimate for months now. it’s like we are just together because we are use to each other. so about a week ago the other guy that I met back in February has told me that he loves me that he’s in love with me . I need help I’m lost and I really don’t know what to do or how to even sit down and tell my current partner that we are over.
Andrew G. Marshall says
It is a tough one but the longer you leave it, the further the affair will go and the more upset your partner will be. There is no right or wrong way to break the news – it will be painful no matter what. So be brave and tell him your truth, listen to what he’s got to say and go from there.
Juliet says
I’m not really married, but I’m staying with a man , even though I never love him before but I travel with him to a different country, and right now I’m in love with a young guy and he is also in love with me , but because that man is the one who brought me to Europe I can’t just leave him like that and it hurting so much , he’s about 65years and am 30 years and I don’t want to married him either please what should I do?
Andrew G. Marshall says
You need to tell him the truth. You are grateful for everything that he does done for you but the relationship is not right for you. He will be upset but the longer that you deceive him, the worst it will be. Honesty is the best policy.
Nay says
Am 27 years of age,am in a long distance relationship for 6 years,we have a child together,we’ve never been in love with each other though we have another type of love each other,we are best friends..We are not legally married due to financial constraints though we assume we are.My husband has always been a good man and a wonderful dad and always takes care of us…He comes home one month in a year, I’ve always been lonely even though am in a relationship,My loneliness landed me to another man who we are completely in love with each other..i don’t want to leave my family because I’ve worked so hard to keep it alive even His mum hates me so much at an extend of wanting me dead,we don’t see each other anymore
for my safety .I’ve endured so much in her hands and all i ever did was to love and respect her as my mum,she has always tried to break our union from day one for selfish financial reasons..i just don’t know what do anymore,sometimes am so depressed wondering if this relationship is worth it since i can’t even go to his family gathering because i fear meeting her dramatic mum..Now am madly in love with someone else but i can’t just leave my family,i respect and treasure my husband and i don’t wanna hurt him..i want to keep my family even though am dying inside and suppressing my feelings for the other guy.The other is ready to do anything to have me as his wife,.. I’ve tried to convince him that i can never leave my family but he hears none of it,he is crazy in love with me and he is unable to control it.He has swore he is going to do everything to make sure am his wife.Am very confused and depressed.
Andrew G. Marshall says
I think your real problem is your relationship with your mother. Please read the book ‘When you and your mother can’t be friends’. This new love is probably a distraction to stop you from looking at the REAL source of your unhappiness. It is a way of self-medicating the pain. So running of with him will change nothing, but add another layer of pain onto this whole problem. Sort out the relationship with your mother and good things will flow into your life. At the moment, you’re about to turn a difficult situation into a toxic one
Leslie says
Hi, I’ve been married for 35 years. For at last 20 years now I haven’t felt in love or sexually attracted to my husband. I love him very much but feel like he’s just a friend or brotherly figure. I’ve been very lonely, as he didn’t open up to me about his feelings about anything!
About 5 years ago I reconnected with a old boyfriend. Someone I’ve never stopped loving. We have a very strong bond & attraction for one another, even after all these years. We met in the 7th grade & dated for 5 years. Then off & on after graduating High School. Well, my husband found out about my affair with this old flame. He knows I love this other man. My husband has made a big change and is very open about everything and try’s to be the Best husband and he is!! Except, I still don’t feel attracted to him. He is attractive and we get along very well. Now, remember this NOT having sexual attraction with him has nothing to do with reconnecting with old boyfriend. This has been an on going problem for very long time! My husband loves me and wants our marriage to work. I just cannot stop loving my boyfriend or ever forseeing not ever being with him in my life!! This is such a struggle! We have 3 grown children and lots of family members who adore my husband. I feel just awful about this affair and don’t want to hurt anyone! This wasn’t what I was looking for! Please help with some advice!
Andrew G. Marshall says
When you’re angry with someone – like your husband. You won’t feel sexually attracted to him. You have a lot of anger built up from twenty years of loneliness. You are angry because it has taken someone else to bring him to this point and now he expects you to be happy to jump into bed together!!! Can you see the anger? When all the not so nice feelings have been properly expressed, the nicer ones like love and attraction can return. At the moment, it doesn’t seem possible because you are still in your affair. You can’t imagine things changing because you will need to mourn that loss of the old flame. You need to understand why you let twenty years of misery slip pass – without speaking up. I hope that I have shown you a possible path back. Whether you want to take it is up to you.
Selene says
Hi Andrew,
I don’t even know where to begin, so I suppose some background might be in order. About ten years ago I made friends with a man who may very well be the one. I was single, and he was married so I never let the relationship go anywhere. Approximately six months after meeting him I ended up starting a relationship with a long-time friend, who is now my husband. It was a passionate relationship at the beginning, though I can’t say it was truly ever about love. We moved out of state together and soon after, I realized I was in love with the aforementioned married man who I cut off all contact with for the sake of the new relationship. Me and married guy re-established contact after about a year away, he told me he was divorced now and ‘fessed up his feelings for me, a favor I shouldn’t have, but did return. Once again, for the sake of the newer relationship I stopped talking to the other guy, for the next six years. I needed things to work in the new relationship because he was my way out of a boring small town that I did not want to return to. Fast forward, me and new guy had a baby and decided to get married, for practical reasons at the time. Our relationship worsened considerably after this but because there was now a child, we we’re more determined than ever to make a life together. The problem was that we were and are very incompatible, neither one of us seems to like much about the other person, and other than having a few interests in common and a great sex life, we never really got on. We moved to New York and almost immediately ended up having one financial crisis after another. Rage and depression took hold and in our awareness we’ve both got help and got better. The crisis never ended though, and a new baby arrived, putting that much more pressure on… everything. I ended up leaving work to care for the kids since we couldn’t afford care for what we we’re making, and while this decision was right at the time, it resulted in me being completely cut off socially. My husband basically never made a single real friend the entire time since we originally moved, so he was never going to be a lifeline for me in that regard. As life at home worsened so did our finances, he’s told me numerous times that he can’t take the pressure of our situation and I’ve told him in return that I can’t take the emotional abuse thwarted in my direction because of it. We’ve always been good about making things work, and fixing, and adjusting, and figuring it out but all our solutions lasted no more than a few weeks at a time. I became utterly miserable, and he did too, however because I cared for the kids I never failed to snap out of it. It started to seem that he resented the very thought of me letting myself be happy because, how could I?? Fast forward, our baby was now a toddler and on the night of his birthday he told me if we don’t figure things out he wanted a divorce. It was crushing, and it punched a whole right through me, and my ability to give a sh** about the relationship any more. He was texting me the next day and we just both unloaded on each other, not mad, just honest. We covered the technicalities of divorce, and our vow to never stop supporting each other, it was great. I became really ecstatic about finally being free to be myself, finally not having to put the walls up, not having to stay home to be caretaker any more. I truly hated the walls and I could not functionally parent with them, something he’s been told numerous times before. While I was daydreaming about a life apart, I received an email from the other man. I was surprised, crazy timing! And I was so so happy because I’ve never stopped thinking about him and have wanted to contact him numerous times, but never did. We talked every day for the next week, and within the first day talking all of the feelings rushed back, this time without guilt because he was single and my husband wanted a divorce. We discussed our past drama together and all the years we’ve spent thinking about finally being in a situation where we could be together. I fell madly in love, just totally. Then that following Monday, my husband emailed me a giant letter taking responsibility for every action he has taken that has ever hurt me, claiming divorce was not what he wanted after all. I still don’t know if it’s not what he wants because he truly believe we can be happy in the long run or because this would be his 4th divorce and he’s, “sick of being a failure.” Needless to say, him changing his mind was as crushing as his proposal for a divorce was. It’s been a couple of months now, I’m still with my husband and I still talk to the other guy every day behind his back. I’ve told him I didn’t change my mind about divorce, I’ve brought it up numerous times, all of which resulted in profession of love and not wanting to give up. So I guess my question is what should I do from here? I don’t want to hurt him, I feel like stalling may be the only way to make this process peaceful, ensuring we can eventually have a healthy co-parenting relationship but the more time that passes the less he wants to hear about it. To top that off, because I’m talking to the other guy, I can’t even tell anymore if I’m full of love butterflies or guilt pangs. I don’t want to hurt my husband because he truly cares, and I know this will be crushing for him, something I’m not even sure he can handle right now. He tells me that our relationship is not a priority because he is under so much stress and pressure at the moment, and when I chime in with divorce options he’ll say we can make anything happen if we’re together. Then there’s the other guy, who is consuming all of my thoughts, I’ve allowed myself to accept the potential reality of him being a part of my children’s lives, a welcome addition. I’ve laid claim on that life in every way except in the way it matters.
Andrew G. Marshall says
There is only one thing to do. Come clean with your husband. Talk together about what comes next. It is not fair to deceive him and he will find out eventually what has been happening (and the longer you leave it the worse it will get). Sorry there is no magic solution but this is the least bad option.
Miserable says
Hi Andrew-
I have been with my spouse for 13 years. Married for 11. I have been unhappy in my marriage and wanting out for 9 years. He is selfish, manipulative, an alcoholic, lazy, and cannot handle ever hearing anything negative about my feelings. He takes everything as an attack. To be completely honest I cannot stand him but I act like everything is okay for the sake of our children. When he walks in a room the whole energy changes and I feel a weight on my shoulders. I have been living this miserable life for so long. About 4 1/2 years ago I fell in love with another man who is also married. At first I was completely ready to leave my marriage and told this man I would. He was not willing to destroy his children’s life like that. It didn’t feel to me that he shared my strong feelings. He is also more level headed than I am. At that point I chose to avoid any type of contact with him outside of our professional relationship. I started marriage counseling with my husband. It didn’t help, but I also was only doing this for the sake of our children. We have since had another child as well. Fast forward to this last month. This man has since confessed that he has loved me for all these years as well. He is apparently separated but they are still living in the same household. He is trying to rekindle things with me. I don’t know what to do. I am so in love with him. I have been looking for another job for the last two years to try to get away from him in hopes I can forget him. I have been very good at putting his advances off so far but I don’t trust myself. I guess I don’t really trust he’s being truthful either. Daily he tells me he loves me and wants to see me. How can I go on in this marriage? How can I make my life better without dissolving the marriage and uprooting my children’s life’s? How can I not cave to someone that I have such strong feelings for.
Andrew G. Marshall says
It sounds like you are asking for my permission to leave your husband and have a relationship with your co-worker? So I wonder why you need to ask me? Why is it hard to make your own decisions? (Is this a pattern with people telling you what to do?) How much are the strong feelings for the other man that is a possible solution for your problems? How much is his newly found love looking for a saviour after the collapse of his marriage. I wonder if this is a good foundation for a marriage. I wonder why you stay with a man who is manipulative and an alcoholic? A lot of questions to think about!!
Miserable says
You are right, I don’t know why I can’t make decisions. I don’t know why I have to have others approval for everything. I don’t know why I put other peoples feelings before my own. I’m terrified of hurting other people. I have made the decision to stay away from the coworker, I know that’s what is best for my own well being. I am going to try to focus on making myself as happy as I can in my current situation. Thank you for your response.
Gisselle says
Hello. A year ago I started to work in a new facility. I met this guy who started something in me. I’ve been marry for 3years but together 8. I never felt this way for someone else but my husband. He makes me feel happy, anxious and sad. Why? Because he has someone for many years too. I didn’t start anything before he did and I responded to his flirteos ways. I also decided to do something, to cheat but he back out because he fiancé is pregnant again. I love my husband but I am not in love but I don’t want to end anything either. I just want to forget what I feel but o can’t. Please help me. I want to go back like before I can’t sleep and cry all the time . My husband is amazing dad and husband. I just don’t know why I let myself to another guy. I feel rejected, hurt and mortify because I didn’t know I can fall inlove with someone else
Andrew G. Marshall says
You need to understand why you love your husband but you’re not IN love with him. I suggest you start by reading my book ‘I love you but I’m not in love with you’. My guess would be that there are important issues that you have not addressed with him, buried the pain and hoped it would go away. sadly it doesn’t, it leave you vulnerable to other men’s attention. Guess what? The tears are not just for the other man but for all the pain that has been stored up over the years and needs to be released.
AThamitha says
Hello,
Thank you so much for this article.
I felt like I read my own feeling.
I have been with my husband for 6.5 years and I met a classmate who is really a good man. He has been showing his interest, but I realized it when he actually asked if I am available.
All of us being faithful, I said no-I am married and the atmosphere went quiet.
The moment of realization, I just felt that I am into him as well.
Another feeling told me that this person is not going to come between my marriage and I thankful for my life that I have met good people. However, something tells me that he will stick around as a friend. The problem with my husband is less serious than the above article. He is a good husband, but he unconsciously like to yell to family members. He is not romantic and his love faded a lon time ago. I know I accepted all his sides. We barely spend time together. His financial ties to his families. I felt like I don’t have a husband, but a brother who takes care of his own families. But I know that if we have kids, he will be a good father.
However, my affections are gone.
I have told myself before that I am ok without marriage.
If anything happened to this marriage, I am not going to jump right out with that friend. I know “to completely know someone, takes time and events to see a person’s personalities”.
I felt completely grown up.
But I appreciated reading this.
Thank you.
Andrew G. Marshall says
What would happen if you talked to your husband about feeling brother and sister? How would he feel about it? Do you both want a relationship based on friendship or do you want something more?
Maurissa says
Thank you for this article. It has given me so much to think about – in both a good and bad way. I am in such a similar position in terms of substance, but different in the situation. My husband and I got married too soon (engaged after 4 months). I rushed into it because I found out I may lose my fertility (massive amounts of cysts on my ovaries) and he had fed me a bunch of lies that I believed right up until a few months-years after the wedding when the truth came out. He seemed like a safe bet – but all of my decisions to marry him from a cognitive and pragmatic standpoint were formulated from lies.
He told me he owned a house in another city and had his family back it up – turns out it was his dad’s house that his brother was living in. He told me when we were getting married that after the wedding we would be able to sell it. We couldn’t, as it wasn’t really his. I was told he was in university for pre-law. I found out only last year (when looking at his transcripts) that he was not attending university at the time. When we got engaged, and I moved in, he claimed to drop out so he could go into a more specific and different program. He started nursing school, but then after our daughter was born he dropped out claiming he didn’t think I could handle being a mother. His family thinks he is in pre-med because he lies and tells them it is true.
I have caught him smoking marijuana chronically 3 times. Each time he says he is quitting for good. Then I find out what money we have extra has been going to that. If he isn’t smoking pot, he goes on drinking binges for which I have to tiptoe around.
I had been told I would be able to stay home (he has inheritance and doesn’t need to work). That wasn’t as much as he said either. Though we don’t go without, I have no future ability to say either of us will “retire” or we will be able to save for anything.
I was promised a house again 2x. This has not materialized, we still rent a dump (rats, etc.). He is verbally abusive, calls me retarded often and then the next day kisses the ground I walk on. I know this is abuse, but I can’t escape it. It is like my moral obligation to be with him makes me unable to say “you are a liar”.
I feel so helpless, I can’t say anything without a guilt trip. I can’t have emotions without my anxiety disorder being thrown in my face. He flies off the handle and yells at my daughter. He is in school again for a PSW and this was not the future he promised me. I know it is petty, but I feel like I am constantly being bamboozled. I am currently in my masters for neuropscyhology (likely getting my PhD) and I feel like he will just leave it all on me… again. I wouldn’t mind, but it is the cruelty or the neediness. I don’t have friends. I don’t have a social life. I had to give up my piano when we moved into this house and he promised me a new one. I never got it. I had to give up my painting. I just feel like every day I die a bit more.
The worst part is, is I feel bad, but I am falling in love with someone I go to school with. Someone who is smarter than me and works ridiculously hard. He has a future and has so many similar interests. I can listen to him talk but it is not all about him, he listens to what I have to say (without me just having to agree with everything he says to avoid an argument). I have such an amazing connection with this person, but I feel helpless. I just don’t know where to start fixing my marriage. I want to avoid the man I am falling in love with, but it literally is the first time in years I have felt like a human, like I am at least cared about (even if I don’t know his mutual feelings). I want to love my husband, and I try but I feel no passion for him, just disdain. I try to not, but I can’t help it. I also can’t afford to leave……. I am essentially trapped….
Andrew G. Marshall says
You might be trapped at the moment but you need to start making plans to leave. Where can you and your daughter go? How could you earn enough to support yourself? can a family member help out? If your husband systematically lied before and since your marriage, it is unlikely he will change. Falling for someone else will not resolve the problems – just make you the ‘bad guy’. Put your energy into finding a sensible solution.
Confused says
I have been married for almost 12 years. I love my husband, but I’m not in love with him. He’s my best friend and a great father. However I was 18 and he was 27 when we got married. I didn’t know what love truly was. I was looking for companionship and stability. For the first 8 years of our marriage he lied to me a lot. Never cheated and the lies weren’t over “major” things. It was enough to keep me from trusting him completely though. I think that kept me from ever really falling in love with him. We have two children together, 8 and 10. We separated almost a year ago and I ended up in a relationship with someone I work with. I have fallen in love with the other guy. I still live with my husband due to financial reasons and for our children. I want to be with the other guy, but the thought of my husband suffering through a divorce hurts me. I do care for him and love him. Part of me wants to stay with him for the kids and part because I don’t want to see him hurt. Do I just give my relationship up for that reason or pursue moving into my own place and filing for divorce?
Andrew G. Marshall says
I think you have to come clean with your husband and tell him what has been going on. If he wants to understand why your marriage didn’t work and try to put together a new one, that’s fine but papering over the cracks is not going to work. Have an honest conversation together, it will either he the starting point for ending or starting again – but you need to have in (and soon).
Anonymous says
We have been married over 26 years but been together for like 30. I was 22 when I married my husband. Well back when I was 20 he decided he needed space and left drinking with his friends. He told me don’t call me don’t look for me I need space. So stupid me I was like ok so this is it he wants out. We were boyfriend and girlfriend and sometimes I would spend the night at his parents’ house, so I was at work one day and my ex came in and said I’m leaving back to Michigan base he was a marine. He noticed I had been crying because my boyfriend came in and had sex with me and then left and I couldn’t reach him. So my ex said to take a break and come with me to Michigan and then decide what you want from there. So, I did I left that night and left to Michigan with him. Once I got over there i regretted it because I knew that I had jumped the gun. Well, what happened next will blow your mind. New years eve but actually new years day we got drunk and we were with his friends and we went to a drive through the chapel and got married. Yep married. omg, i was devasted the next day and crying and all. Didn’t remember we had done that until we saw the certificate. So now there was no way going back. well, a week later I told him I wanted to go back home that I didn’t belong with him that this was just supposed to be something fun to get my mind off my problems. went back met up with my boyfriend and he was very heartbroken to the point where he got angry. When he found out that I had married my ex he went ballistic. Then we went to an attorney and got the marriage annulled. then we got married on Christmas Eve. after that 2 years later I had my 1st baby and he stayed with me but we had so many obstacles we have had to overcome because still to this day he dwells on the past of what I did to him. That because of what I did to him those many years ago before we were husband and wife he hasn’t been happy. In 2017 I believe he was going through a midlife crisis when he started messaging an old flame (mind you she is happily married with 4 kids) we have 5 kids together as well. He told her he has always loved her and has always thought about her and she messaged him saying that she wished that she was the one laying next to him and not me. Well, I confronted him and he fully denied everything even though I had screenshots of all messages that I could just send to her husband. Well, I didn’t because I am a better person than that. he called me all kinds of names and told me he loves me but he doesn’t feel the same anymore because of what I put him through again before we got married. This girl she is 50 years old and a Christian going person supposedly are egging him on and he is just too blinded by my past to see past that.
I have told him to go ahead and leave but for him not to interfere when he sees me with someone else and he says he is no leaving me. I just don’t know what to do. I know he loves me but his social media affair is what I cannot handle. My children would all be devasted, mind you the smallest one is 13 but still. Now we have 3 grandbabies at that. Why can’t he just see that I have done everything for him, took care of his children, waited on him hand and foot, making sure he takes all his medication and never is without anything?
Please help,
Lost in love
Jl Nicholas says
I am married but not in love with my wife I’m in love with my friends wife so bad what do I do I want her or someone else other than my wife
Andrew G. Marshall says
You tell your wife that you don’t love her any more. You are unhappy and so unhappy that you are seriously considering leaving. Start the conversation and see what she has to say…
Cyndi says
I have already cheated on my husband repeatedly. I don’t want to hurt anyone, but I feel like I am drowning. I don’t want to be married anymore in a relationship with him anymore.
Andrew G. Marshall says
Why don’t you get a divorce?
Mari says
Hi Andrew,
I have been with my husband for 14 years. I was 16 years old when I met him. We have two boys together. I have been venting to a coworker about all the issues I have at home. My husband found out and was furious. My coworker understands me and I might have fallen in love with him. After a few weeks I found out that my husband and sister were sexting each other. He sent her a video and pictures of his private part. My sister has done the same. He tells me he is sorry and keeps trying to win my love again. I just dont know if I can forgive him for that. I feel guilty leaving him because he keeps telling me he loves me, but I dont know if I ever will get past the fact that he cheated on me with my sister. I want to leave him but I am hesitant because of my children. Please help.
Andrew G. Marshall says
There are so many levels to this…. let’s start with getting into a serious relationship at 16. It sounds like you might have been running away (emotionally if not literally) from your family. Your sister’s horrible behaviour makes me think something toxic was going on. It sounds like there are a lot of problems in your marriage and you need to talk about them (and your childhood too). Sadly, your co worker is not the answer – he just adds another level of trouble. Is there somebody who would listen without giving opinions… like a female friend or a pastor or a counselling service at your church or some volunatry support group in your area. You need to do a lot of talking to sort out what is best for you.
Laverne Busch says
Hi I am Laverne my comment is my husband is cheating I took its going and seeing everything in it you been together with 40 years married for 4 years he has never treated me the way you treated me now the name calling all that and he’s one having their figure it’s been 10 months since we’ve been intimate messing with this lady since then he had this woman called the cops on me not once but twice so I feel as though that he is in love with this woman cuz he treated me like trash excuse me but I’m crying. I’m back I am not going to tolerate it I have tried to be nice but it hurts so bad I never been hurt like this in my life never I would never never was just on nobody!! But I am going on with my divorce because he doesn’t care cuz it’s still seeing regardless and I’ll see if they rub it in my face they wait all times of the day when I’m not home so there’s no help for us I just want to know what is helpful for me the wife. So what should I do to get myself together my life because I told him that well he told me to go get a life I’m so sad and I’m crying excuse me then I told him I thought I had a life with you we went and bought a house together and is it the way he treats me you know I asked him why did he marry me just to get the house what just use me so I never seen this man before like this I don’t know this man it’s nothing man I’ve been with for 40 years and married to before I have no I don’t know who he is but I want to help out out out so please please tell me what should I do I want to move on thank you
Andrew G. Marshall says
Ask yourself: what is stopping me from leaving? Ask yourself: what do I need to do get stronger so I can leave? Ask yourself: who will support me to leave?