“I love you but I’m not in love with you” is one of the worst things that your partner can say but you can turn it into an opportunity to transform your relationship.
I have thirty plus years working with couples where one partner has fallen in love and it’s not only possible to fall back in love but find a better more connected relationship.
In this video, I explain the three main causes of your partner falling out of love, the worst reactions to this confession and my most powerful strategies for healing.
Now you understand more about I love you but I’m not in love with you, I have seven strategies to help you fall back in love. You’ll be surprised to discover that the last one is the most powerful one:
Seven Ways to Fall Back in Love
1. Accept that you have a problem
When I researched I Love You But I’m Not in Love With You 19% of my ‘I love you but’ clients had suffered for five years plus. The longer that you leave it, the worse it gets.
2. Forget the candlelit meals and expensive holidays away together
Big gestures don’t work because they make us think that one push will sort everything out. It is much better to create lots of small habits – like eating together in the evening – which will can easily be repeated and make a long term difference.
3. Look at each other more
Harvard scientists discovered that when couples in love talk, they spend seventy five percent of the time looking at each other. With some married couples it can drop as low as thirty percent.
4. Keep a journal
Look back at what you did, what fed and what starved love.
5. Be generous
If you’re fed up with your partner, you will naturally treat him worse. Guess what? He or she will sink down to your level and your relationship becomes trapped in a negative downward spiral. If you treat your partner better, he or she will treat you better in return.
6. Give positive feedback
We are better at communicating our negative feelings than our positives ones. Scientists in Seattle claim to be able to predict with ninety percent accuracy which couples will stay together and which will split.
Those who stay in love give five positives to one negative. Those who fall out of love have a ratio of only one positive to each negative.
7. Stop side-stepping arguments
The most common cause for falling out of love is swallowing conflict. We tell ourselves that it doesn’t matter and switch off our angry feelings, soon everything shuts down. In reality, a row is intimacy as its most intense – you have to be close to have an argument.
You can find out more in my best-selling book I Love You But I’m Not in Love With You.
SJH says
My husband said this 6 weeks ago, two years ago he was texting a married woman in work.
I have read ‘he is texting someone else’ recently and I reacted exactly how yourbook said not to . We are living in the same house , have 3 children of school age.
I am reading ILYB , but my husband is negative about everything. I am trying to be generous and a better listener. I try and strike up a conversation about how his day has been and he just walks away. I know I need to be patient and give him time. I also think he is suffering with depression due to stress .Do you have any other suggestions?
Mrs. Google says
I think you should consider getting someone to look into what it is he’s doing without your knowledge. If you have the facts it will help you asses the situation as well as where you stand, decision-making is easier when you have the whole truth.
Row says
My husband moved out of our home june 2017. Said we had drifted apart. He was dealing with a mid life crisis. Through alot of tears we are back together. Through all of this i always said he was free to go even after 30years together. In all this time he said he had not been with anyone else. Didn’t believe him .
Thought we were making progress.
Last week he confessed said he had slept with someone else. I naturally thought it happened last year and he made me think that was so.
Two days ago i found a receipt for a hotel room for last month.
I confronted him. I was devastated mainly because it was only last month when i thought we were trying to mend things.
He has said it meant nothing. But i am broken inside.
What do I do?
Andrew G. Marshall says
Read the books about affairs, keep talking, don’t make any decisions too quickly (see my video about the 8 stages of recovery from affairs). Discover more about the midlife crisis. I have a book on this too. When you know what you are dealing with, you can decide how best to tackle this problem. So you have a ton of sympathy from me… and best wishes for the road ahead.
Fabiana Albuquerque says
Yes… I know this feeling as I feel the same. I love him , but I’m not in love with him anymore!!
HEWC says
Question. What do you do with a spouse that makes major decisions that effect the relationship / family without talking with their spouse at all. Just makes the decision and then says….I thought it was right for the family/ us…..when in reality it’s right for them…. and they truly know you would not have gone along with the decision. Then they say it’s all worked out in the long run…. but you feel like you don’t matter…you don’t count….you aren’t part of a healthy relationship….and you feel you don’t love this person anymore….. there are children and caring for dependent parent involved
Andrew G. Marshall says
I would read my book ‘Wake Up and Change Your Life’ and the section on assertiveness. At the heart of assertiveness is the idea ‘my needs, thoughts and beliefs are important and so are yours’. Rather than ‘my needs are more important than yours because I am right.’ The book will explain how to negotiate and make your point count. I would also read ‘I love you but I’m not in love with you’ and understand how love drains out of a marriage – by telling yourself something doesn’t matter THAT much – and keeping the peace. Sadly we can’t switch off just some of our feelings… soon we end up with the loving ones turned off too. This book has advice on dealing with the problem. Understand more how you got into this dark place and the potential remedies. In this way, you will not feel quite so trapped and more empowered. Good luck.
Manny says
Manny in Colorado says:
Was told post Christmas “2015” we need to talk. Two weeks later was told we need a separation which resulted in her leaving to live with her sister. We tried a therapist and she said those famous words I love you but not in love with you. It was then I knew our relationship was over.
She moved back in and recommended we divorce . Said we had drifted apart. She started legal paperwork and had me served on my mom’s birthday.
It didn’t take long to figure out she had already been in an affair with her boss who is married and with three other men. Friends and family saw them together. She denied it until the divorce was final and she stated that there were three men waiting on the outside for her. She was already on her way out. Your book wouldn’t have helped her because she had her mind made up.
I woke up and changed my life. Thank you for opening up my eyes. I am moving forward without her.
Andrew G. Marshall says
Good wishes for your journey of recovery and growth
Jake says
Just on a year ago we went through a really tough phase, she had an affair and immediately felt guilty. We discussed it and although it hurt us both – we moved on and really worked on the relationship. Lately she has acting disconnected, then last week she told me “ILYB” I don’t know where to go from here.
Andrew G. Marshall says
Have a look at my video on you tube on this topic and read my book. It sounds like a cry for help. Understand why she has reached this place and what you need to do to move forward. You might also like to look at my book ‘My wife doesn’t love me any more.’
PJM says
“I love you but Im not in love with you” ……. Great excuse for a narcissist to confuse you even more. Well I actually endured seven years of a non sexual marriage, and working 24/7 to support the bills & kids. Yes I was a victim, totally washed out and drained of energy due to her hehaviour. To say the ten words is to make you feel the guilt & confusion and to be munipulated, when the other person has no empathy what so ever —Solution for me was to walk away and deal with it. My children should never be her victim too, its a disgrace.
ItsATeaParty says
I think I absolutely agree with you here! People who say this want that “new car smell’ they don’t want to rebuild, store, drop the top, wax, and gas up the antique. They use the car and then want a new one even if it’s just a battery that need to be replaced.
Ivona Shortt says
Hi Andrew
I have been married 35 years until 5 years ago I would have said we had a great marriage great times together with and without out children. The problem probably started when 20 years ago out first son Anthony died by suicide
Fast forward we had a son that was born with special needs and a heart problem that needed heart surgery 3 times.
Then 3 years ago out second son was murdered in his home, I think at that stage I disconnected some how my husband was devastated but I hadent got the energy to cope with his grief.
Ian was and is a great husband nothing was ever to good for me and the children but some how we got lost and yes he had an affair and I I trew him out burned all his belongings not the best choice I know.
He lived with this woman from Oct to Jan and all the time when th I stopped screaming over the phone at him he always told me he loved me.
He left that woman and got himself a one bedroom in a shared house.
We have bern talking ahell of a lot and trying to understand why Ian did this its totally against all he believed In he dosent understand why and i don’t either.
He did say he love me more then life itself and i know it’s TRUE what he says but to be far to him he also said hes not in with me the spark is hone for both of us.
I am brokenhearted over the loss of my sons and my husband and cry every time i think about it.
We both want out marriage back but dont k ow how to or what to do.
And it’s not helping that our children wont speak to him at all.
Sorry for the long letter i need help.
Andrew G. Marshall says
I want to give you a HUGE hug. I want to give him a HUGE hug too. How terrible to have a son that killed himself. The grief, the recriminations are incredible. I have counselled relatives in the aftermath and I know the amount of work needed to recover enough to do something more than just survive. A child with special needs is exhausting and the daily grind is hard – even when you are not carrying one load of grief. Then your second son was murdered! I would not be surprised if the two of you were completely overwhelmed by grief and despair. I have no idea how you have survived or how your hu sband survived. However, I guess that you have probably turned inwards and had no energy to reach out and support each other. Sadly, men are not trained to listen to their feelings, they are not trained to talk about problems, they are told to be self sufficient and ‘get on with it’. How can you just get on with this? So I am not surprised that he had an affair. In the same way, that I would not be surprised if one or both of you turned to drink to take the edge off your pain. And affairs, like alcohol, are a form of self-mediation. So I think your husband’s affair is a symptom of all this stress and heartache. I hope I have helped you understand why a little better. The question is how are you going to help each other move forward and find a way with living with this pain. But I would like to think you can build a life raft together and find a way to survive together.
Ivona says
Hi Andrew
Thank you for replaying to me.
I am going to order two of your books one for myself and one for my husband.
I will also be looking at other books of your to order.
I am really greatfull for your replay.
Olive Miller says
Hi Andrew,
On Monday my boyfriend of 4 years told me he loved me but is not in love with me. I’ve moved out to my parents to give him space to decided whether he wants to give things a go. I would like to say this is the first dip we have ever had, we have been completely “dip free” until now.
I’ve discussed this with friends in depth and had already identified some of the factors over the last 3 months (the time when he claims it became an issue) that you have mentioned in your book and I’m only on chapter 1.
I know we can fix this but how do I make him remove those rose tinted glasses and realise that we are worth the fight. I’m so scared we come away from this time apart and he still doesn’t want to try. Your book really speaks to me already but I can hardly break our silence to request he gives it a listen too.
Andrew G. Marshall says
Great question. You cannot remove the rose tinted glasses by reasoning with him (because this is emotional not intellectual). My advice would be LISTEN and listen some more. The most powerful words in this case are: Tell me more! (See my video on reflective listening on my You Tube channel) When he feels really heard, he will begin to question his thoughts and feelings – but you can’t do that for him. Only listen. It doesn’t matter that you are not talking, it gives you time to finish the book, digest it and think about what you would like to do differently. Good luck.
Exasperated says
What happens if a covert narcissist (potentially psychopathic) woman buys your book and uses the information in it merely as a tool to reel her ex (who left her 3 years ago) back and away from his “new” partner (me)? Is there a way to reverse engineer the book, so to speak, and be prepared for what may come when he confronts her? She’s already put on an act after she stalked my house 3 weeks ago looking for him, which confused him, but today, after boasting about reading your book and how much it’s going to help her now, I understand the source of this new personality (I knew she had read about behaving like a new person, I just didn’t know where). I wrote and deleted a novel about the complexities of this situation, and the nightmare we’ve endured, but it got to be just as ridiculous as the past 3 years have been, and I was looking just as crazy (arguable at this point, I’m afraid; this is insanity). Is there ANYTHING there than can be used to make her let her old supply go and move on? Him and I want to be happy, but he’s afraid, and I want him to feel empowered….
Andrew G. Marshall says
You cannot empower someone else. You can’t make someone happy. Both of these things we have to do for ourselves. You boyfriend has to decide what is best for himself. You have to decide what is best for you and if the psycho drama of someone else’s marriage falling apart is a living hell, do you want to stay? Think about why you have bgot yourself into such a dark place. How did your childhood prepare you for this? Did you think drama and controlling behaviour is normal because that’s what you got as a child. Why not spend all this energy, instead of trying to fix your new partner on understanding and changing yourself
Diane Angiolillo says
Dr. Marshall;
I really enjoyed your advice, however, my problem is dealing with a psycho-narcaccist who constantly turns the tables and instead of making it about “us” or a “problem”, he makes entirely about me, and throws in my face any and all things I’ve ever confided in him from childhood on, then mocks and ridiculed me. If he gets angry with me, he gives me the silent treatment for days and cuts me off from money to pay bills or he breaks promises he’s given me or the children. (5). We’ve had no sexual relations for over 16 yrs. because all he wants is his foot fetish taken care of and it makes me feel cheap and used. We’ve been married for 30 years, and we’ve been though ALL types of counseling, being told “no hope for the marriage” (from the first year on.) Do you have any other advice “up your sleeve”? (I’m a retired psychiatric nurse and my husband is a Law Enforcement Officer.)
Thank you for your time,
Mrs. Diane Angiolillo
Andrew G. Marshall says
What is stopping you from leaving him?
Kevin says
I have read ILYB twice now & My wife doesn’t love me any more and I’m still finding it a struggle to cope with the realisation she doesn’t want to even try getting back together. It’s been 1.5 months since she moved out (Married for 2.5 years) to live with her aunt and we have been civil with each other for the benefit of our 5 year old daughter. I have asked her to read ILYB and also The Five Love Languages but she doesn’t even want to try. She had told me rumours in her work that she was having an affair 2 years ago and they are still ongoing just now but swore blind nothing has happened and I have to believe her. I have worked on being the best person I can for my own benefit and also show her that the changes would make for a better relationship. It’s hard to show her by text as any time I suggest we meet I get the reply “but why” She said she isn’t seeking legal advice just now which has given me hope but I don’t know if it’s false hope.
Andrew G. Marshall says
To be honest, if she is being this negative and dismissive (with a touch of cruelty) I would wonder if she does have other fish to fry. If she is not prepared to come clean, there is no point trying to force her. So what should you do? I would try and hold both thoughts equally in your head: ‘I have to believe her'(and keep the door open) and ‘I think she is interested in someone else'(so the reason my hard work is not paying off is not about me). Finally, I would not read too much into not seeking legal advice. I think she is trying to keep her options open and hasn’t made a decision yet. In the meantime, focus on looking after yourself and getting stronger.
STUNNED into REALITY says
Dec 2014…. I stood there looking across the room, staring at nothing… I felt hurt because I was stunned. I was crazy in love with him we had so much our son was 32 years old we had decades of love but I lived in a fantasy… Everything seemed so real. It was if I fell miles into a world — I found out he belonged to a dating site and I made a huge mistake…. I asked to see the notes and I should have NEVER done that… I read them, printed them and read them again. That was a mistake, I never should have asked to see the big picture…. It was too complex.
I told him I found out that he cheated and asked for his email password and he gave it to me.
I found out he belonged to 6 dating sites and wrote many women long letters. My mistake was I read things he wrote all about me… My hobbies, my likes, sent photos of my pets and talked to them about our son.
He told them all about the same things that he loved me but was not in love with me… He went into long but very similar fantasy stories about each of them — which began to sound scripted. They were all played as much as I was…. He sought validation….
I went to counseling, we went to counseling…. He said he wanted to stay together and we did and still are.
I felt like it was my fall from reality… But it was his.
I loved my life, my hobbies and my husband. Now when he opens the door for me or says he loves me or sends me a text msg I pause. I have a scar on my heart. I try to listen to the words, but my inner voice whispers – find the truth.
We are together. I am here. He is here. We are married.
A good lesson for everyone.
Everyone will probably experience hurt. It happens.
Andrew G. Marshall says
Thank you for your heartfelt message. I let a huge sigh when I finished it. I expect at the bottom of all the stories on this site is a need for validation. Perhaps our society strips it away from us, perhaps our parents did not give us enough, perhaps we don’t know how to ask for it. I just wish there was a better way than doing the sort of junk your husband did. I doubt it really made him feel better beyond for five minutes. I expect it made him, deep down, hate himself. Ultimately, we have to validate ourselves – not out source it others. It is a message for your husband, for you, for everybody. How do we validate ourselves?
Joe says
Hi Andrew so my wife of 18 months partner of 4 and a half years 2 weeks ago said this to me and said she didn’t want to be with me. I have moved pit into my parents as she asked me to leave we still talk occasionally every few days and she says she misses me and I’ve seen her once since then and we were both really emotional but could feel there was still something there my main issue is that it came out of the blue with no warning and no discussion or attempt to fix our issues which is something we promised each other we would always do before we walk away she first told me she needs time to think etc though has since said she doesn’t want to try again but she has also said that we cant talk to much or spend time together as it will make it harder to move on which to me says theres more there still than she’s willing to admit I want to try again she is the love of my life and I would do anything to sort our marriage do you think I I’m wasting my time waiting and hoping it do you think that I should perserver what would your advice be thank you in advance.
Andrew G. Marshall says
If you love her, you are not wasting your time. If you love her, you should fight for her. If you want to know the most powerful approaches to win her back, get my book ‘My wife doesn’t love me any more’. ‘I love you but I’m not in love with you’ will help you understand the underlying causes.
Colleen Pickering says
He says he loves me but not over heals about me. Though we still go out and do things dating and everything seems ok.
Andrew G. Marshall says
I would keep an open mind but, to me, this sounds like he is talking down your relationship. I wonder what’s going on under the surface. Could he be trying to let you down gently?
Anon says
Hi
A year ago my husband said to me “I love you but I’m not in love with you”. I was completely blind sighted by this.
We have been working on it all year and focusing on reconnecting. During the first half of this year we had regular catch ups to discuss how we were going but as we started to reconnect more we decided to stop these and instead trust the other to raise things if we needed to.
Things have improved significantly. We are more physically intimate, we are kinder to each other, he hugs and kisses me more, he shows more affection etc. He is also talking a lot more of a shared future in a natural way eg discussing holidays or plans in a years time.
One thing I am struggling with is he is never shown love via words. He says he loves me but has not said “I am in love with you”. This wasn’t a problem before but since last year I am so needing to hear the words. I asked him recently how we were going. I stupidly asked asked him if he is back in love with me and he said he is not sure. But he did say he thinks it is likely we have a future together. I see a lot of good signs but I am struggling with the fact he can’t say he is in love with me.
Another thing I am struggling with is to trust things are getting better and to trust he will raise issues because I was so so blind sighted last time.
Any advice greatly appreciated. Do you think we are on the right track? What should I do if he never says he is in love with me? Do some people never resay the words but still have the feelings? How do I focus on the positives rather than fixate on the negatives?
Thanks
Andrew G. Marshall says
I do think you’re on the right track but I would suggest reading the section on love languages in my book (I love you but I’m not in love with you) because it could be that your husband shows his love with actions rather than words. Discuss with him how his parents showed love (it will probably have framed the way he shows it). Instead of trusting he will bring up issues, I would look at how the two of you communicate. On this topic, look at my book ‘Happy Couple’s Handbook’ It has some simple ways to improve your communication and resolve difficult issues. So next time, you start being overwhelmed by the negatives, you can focus on learning relationship skills (to overcome them).
LD says
Hi Andrew, thank you for your books. I have read “I love you, but I am not in love with you” to help me understand how we can resolve our relationship crisis. My wife raised ILYB in the past, but I was dismissive. I intuitively understood that limerence transforms into a different form of attachment over time, so what she said sounded obvious. I also felt a conflict with my values “doesn’t she understand how lucky we are to have each other, our family and children and how grateful we can be?…” It is not until later she bought up a possibility of divorce that I realized what she really meant. She did not feel the loving attachment I did. Many of my actions and how we communicated contributed to this. We both thought we were trying our best for our relationship making all dissatisfaction and breakdowns small. My wife is seeing a counselor to work on her challenges (accommodating needs of others and suppressing her own) and not specifically on our relationship. She believes she needs to understand if she wants to save the marriage, before we go to any counselling together. This is disheartening, as we have been in this situation for six months now. I am reading a lot and would like to help her discover what I have discovered, so we can make progress. I would love her to know what I know after reading your book, so we can at least discuss this together if we are not doing counselling together. What would be your advise? Can I invite her to read the book, so we can talk about it?
Andrew G. Marshall says
Thank you for your thoughtful question. I would start by telling your wife what you have said in your email. 1) I didn’t take what you said seriously enough. 2) Your own behaviour that you regret. 3) What you are doing to change it. Please don’t explain why you did points ONE or TWO as they will sound like excuses. If she is interested in the reasons, she can ask about them. Please don’t ask for another chance at this point…. as it might sound like you are only doing this to bring her back (whereas hopefully these are changes you want to make for yourself too). Try to do as much listening as talking…. Nod your head, bite your tongue and say ‘tell me more’. You can ask questions about what she says but don’t try and convince her to stay (because it will sound like you’re not taking her feelings seriously). On a subsequent conversation, or if she asks where the difference comes from, tell her about my books and offer to share them with her. She might not be ready for them yet and that’s OK (because she has told you that she wants to work on herself before she can talk about your relationship). In the meantime, you can work on yourself (which is work in parallel with her). You could read my books ‘Wake Up and Change Your Life’ or ‘Learn to love yourself enough’. You might like to consider counselling yourself, as it will show you are committed to change.