A Reader Writes…
In October 2013, I discovered my husband had been having a two year affair with a work colleague (who was also a very good friend to me).
I find it hard to put into words the feelings and devastation I felt and still feel. It physically hurts so much especially because during the affair period we were in the process of adopting a child. The other woman was a very close friend and work colleague and knew things about our relationship which others didn’t ( when we had a row, when things were tough, etc) our children and hers were also close and when we finally adopted our daughter she even joined us on our first family holiday.
My husband got a new job before the summer and we moved away, after I discovered the affair he said this was the reason for moving as he wanted to end it so much that he felt the only way to protect us was to move away. Since discovering he has cut all contact with her and we have read and used resources on the net to help us he says he loves me and wants me more than anything and that he made a stupid stupid mistake which then snowballed and he couldn’t manage it and was so scared that she would reveal what had happened if he finished it.
We have worked hard and talked and listened to each other but I struggle so much with images and thoughts in my head of them together being intimate with each other. I know I want to make our marriage and relationship work, he is my best friend and I want to be with him. I just want to make these things go away. We are working through your book together and are finding it very useful but I struggle with images of my husband being unfaithful and want to know how to deal with these images and thoughts. Thank you for your time.
Andrew Replies…
First, I want to congratulate you on working so hard and listening and to your husband for making such a clean break. I can’t tell you how much of a difference than makes. Next, I want to reassure you that four months is early days in recovering from an affair (especially as it went on for a relatively long time and you knew the other woman so well).
So what to do about the images and thoughts? If they keep coming back, I think we should take them seriously (and they could also be telling us something important). However, I think is important to separate the images from the thoughts – especially as I suspect they are coming from different places ie: the images from your unconscious and the thoughts from the front of your mind.
If the images are coming when you’re awake, don’t push them away or get angry with yourself or worry ‘I’ll never get over them’. Allow yourself to watch if it is like a clip of film or if it is a still image to examine the photo. When you have finished, write a summary of the film or what the picture is about. I would also like you to add your feelings – but no thoughts attached to it. Please accept the feelings and witness them (rather than judging yourself for having them). They are a natural response to something traumatic. Afterwards, do something soothing – like a bath, cup of tea or phone a friend. When you have a body of evidence, ask yourself what are these images telling me? What are the themes? What can I learn from them?
If the images part of a dream, it’s basically the same process. Be conscious that you’re dreaming, don’t fight it and when you wake up, lie still as this helps you to remember. Keep a pen and paper by the bed and jot down a few keys words as this will also help to tied down the details. Once again, ask yourself: what is my sub-conscious trying to tell me? (By the way, don’t worry: dreams are not predictors of what’s going to happen).
When you have the images – or the affair is particularly troubling – consider telling your husband. He probably knows – because you’ve become distant or angry – and this gives him permission to talk. You could even tell him the basic details. However, and this is key, he does not have to do anything about the image (this feeling of powerlessness to make it better is what gets men angry or feel shamed about their past behaviour and makes them push their wives away). Your husband just needs to give you a hug and say something reassuring like ‘we will get through this’.
Moving onto the thoughts, once again rather than trying to push them away or edit them, write them down – almost like you’re taking dictation. When you’ve finished we move onto a separate and different approach. While I want you to accept your feelings, I want you to challenge your thoughts. Now they are out of your head and on paper, cross out anything that seems ludicrous.
Look for words like, ‘never’ and ‘always’ – what is the evidence that you will ‘never get over it’. Change these thoughts to something more appropriate: ‘It will take a long time to get over it.’ OK it’s a small change but a significant one – and THIS IS IMPORTANT: Thoughts influence feelings. If you think ‘never’, the feelings will be panic, anxiety or even despair. If you think ‘a long time’ it could be ‘annoyance’ (for him putting you in this place) or ‘determined’ (to push onwards). See the difference. Challenge words like ‘should’ – says who? For example, ‘I should be over this’ could be confronted with ‘everybody takes their own time.’
When analysing your thoughts, it helps to change statements into questions. For example, “I’ll never get over this” becomes “how can I get over this?”‘ By this point, you should be feeling calmer, as you’ve been able to cross out some statements, watered down others and moved into problem solving mode. More times than not, there is something that has promoted this over-thinking. I call it the animating spark.
It’s normally something quite small – for example, it’s your birthday and you’re wondering why he didn’t come home early last year on this date. If this is the case, address the animating spark, calmly with your husband. You’ll find it is much easier to resolve than a torrent of problems, thoughts and fears all at once.
If you’ve found How Can I Ever Trust You Again? helpful I would also read I Love You but I’m Not in Love With You and if you’ve got children I Love You but You Always Put Me Last as these will shed more light on why he had the affair.
sara says
I am fighting these same images and thoughts. We also live down the street from his affair partner and that makes things very difficult but moving away is not a financial option.
Andrew G. Marshall says
It’s a common problem and one I cover in my book ‘I can’t get over my partner’s affair’. I hope the advice helps.
Gillian says
Two years ago i found out my husband had been seeing an ex work colleague on and off for 16 years. I also knew this person very well and we often in the early years spent time with the woman and her husband. I considered her to be a friend but more my husband’s friend than mine. It’s come to light that when he left the workplace where she still works 18 years ago they would meet up for coffee, I’m not sure how frequently. He never mentioned this was happening nor did she to her husband. From time to time we would visit them with our children and they would visit us with their child, and still neither would mention they had met up. He said it all changed when she invited him for coffee at her house rather than meeting at a service station or coffee shop as they usually did this was in 2006, they had been meeting from 1998 in secrecy. This meeting changed their relationship from that day on they met at her house as her child had started school and he said he could resist trying to kiss her, she kissed him back and they went on to have sex. He said he felt guilty when he was leaving but was on a high. They every time after at her house some time they would have full sex… Animal like he explained it to me and some time it would be quick sex. Sometimes she would masturbate him or give him oral sex and he wouldn’t do anything to her, which I found strange. He said he always had a orgasm but he said he couldn’t bring her too. If he couldn’t go to the house they would meet in a carpark and she would just give him oral. This has gone on from 2006 to 2014 when I found a text on his phone. I would say our relationship over that time had probably fallen in to the hectic work children paybills stage and although we had sex it had become less as he worked away a lot so I guess we were having sex about 3 -5 times a month. Also through this time I suffered a lot of gynaecology problems so having sex was not an option sometimes. Our communication was very poor so things were either great, ok or argumentative. Through integration after finding out about the affair…….. I found out that they met possibly up to 12 times a year no more. He said he wasn’t emotionally involved with her, this I really don’t understand. How can you want to be meeting with with a person for sex and they would have conversations on the phone when he was working away and say it wasn’t emotional!? He says he never loved her, it was just extra sex, and never thought of leaving me, although he says he could have if he wanted…. So am I supposed to be grateful that he didn’t. He says their conversation were mainly work related about people who still worked at the company he left and she still works at, or to make arrangements for their next meet. My world fell apart when I found out, I went through the usual feeling, anger, hate, fear, pain in my heart that I had never felt before! Pure devastation.. I have no self worth anymore. Our children are 29 and 27 and have been there more so for me than him. If you knew my husband it’s totally out of character what he’s done, I really couldn’t believe he had the strength to do something like that. I wouldn’t consider him to be a liar in fact I’d say he’s to honest. Everyone says he’s such a lovely guy, you are so lucky to have a man like that, little do they know he’s capable of cheating and having to separate life’s. I never had a face to face with the other woman although I really wish I had confronted her, because not only was I lied to by him but she would visit me and we would spend time together…. How could she do that to me too?
Two years on and we are trying our best to make our marriage of thirty years work! I love him, can’t imagine being without him. I try my best to convince my self that I trust him but deep down I don’t. I still have days when I just want to go over their relationship what they did, how many time they had sex how, where, was it better than ours sex.. .. How can you have sex with a woman and come home to your wife an act normal? I asked him all The usual questions probably hear from your clients. It haunts me I just keep asking how could you possibly do that to us, he’s says it was a quick fix, she never meant anything to him it was a friendship that turned into an atraction and it was easy. This woman is philapina I am white. We look totally different. I wouldn’t say she is the most attractive of people. Where as people would say I am attractive…. Sorry I don’t mean to big myself up. So I now have problems with my self esteem, how could he have sex with her what has she got that I don’t have etc, etc. How could he do that to me. He now gets very angry and can be aggressive if the topic comes up. He say he loves me more than he can say, he so sorry,he is guilt ridden and full of remorse and can’t believe the devastating affect it has had on all of us. If he had his time again he would talk to me and not look for another outlet. He says having the affair didn’t effect our relationship I think it must have as he always had a back up with her, he could always go for a quick pick me up as she never said no to him. I have only told a handful of people, his brother and his wife, my brother and sister and a close friend of mine. I’m too embarrassed to tell my parent and his although they are in their 80 and I wouldn’t want to cause them any pain and hurt as I know it would be just as devastating for them. I’m also a very private person and wouldn’t want our relationship talked about, I also feel sorry for him too, I feel sorry for him knowing how people react to him kniwing how badly he’s treated me.
I would dearly love to tell his parents though! To make them aware how horrible he can be on times . His parent separated when he was 17 and his mother re married again, his father never did…..he still hasn’t got over the fact she had an affair too. My husbands brother also had an affair and left his first wife.
For a fifty year old woman I can’t believe how confused and unable to get over what has happened me. I’m no where near the person i was, I considered myself to be a strong person now I’m as weak as a mouse. I either cry or get angry very easily. I tried councelling but I found i ended up sticking up for my husband when the councellor was derogatory to my husband. We did couples councelling to start with and that helped high light our communication problem and we do talk now and I do try and listen rather than but in now, especially if we are talking about the affair. We also tell each other how we are feeling, and our relationship is generally in a better place now. For the first year our sex life was brilliant almost back to when we were a courting couple. But the last 9mths I have been having reoccurring nightmares. All I see in my dream is them having sex and me following him. This is getting the way of having sex as when we start I have flashbacks of dreams of them having sex! I am trying my best to stop these but it’s a real of putter as you can imagine.
I really can’t see my life getting any better than what it is. I am very fortunate my husband earns very good money, we have a lovely home, beautiful children who,are independent. We have lovely holidays…. But there’s just something missing now……..how will I feel whole again. When will I start smiling and laughing again. He says we should give it no more than three years, he’s says I should be over it by then! Your thoughts would be very helpful. Many thanks
Andrew G. Marshall says
You have been hurt to your core. Your husband had a secret friendship with a woman – behind your back – but had a public one at the same time, so that you and your children were unwittingly pulled into being friends too. Next, they had ‘cheap’ sex with her for eight years. Meanwhile, you thought you’d got the perfect husband. No wonder, you’re getting nightmares. So please don’t be angry with yourself for not making better progress. So what can be done? First of all, it’s fine that he’s sorry and guilt ridden but that doesn’t help you (or ultimately him). I’d like him to engage with the question: what has he learnt about himself? How does he need to change? In my experience, when everybody thinks you’re a great guy it’s because you’ve been giving them what they want (and burying your own stuff). Unfortunately, that doesn’t work forever, and all the resentment bursts out in acts of utter selfishness (like having an affair). He needs to become assertive – where he talk about what he wants, even if it’s different from the two of you and you negotiate. In the short term, it will be a shock and a bit bumpy for you but he will be real (rather than a people pleaser). For you, I think you’ll find this behaviour – of going along on the outside and suffering in silence, goes right back to his childhood. I hope that makes it a little less personal. When you will start smiling and laughing again? When you’ve done the work of learning about how the two of you got in this mess and making the changes both personally and professionally. I would like you both to read ‘How can I ever trust you again’, ‘I can’t get over my partner’s affair’ and ‘Wake Up and Change Your Life’ – in this book, I explain a lot about being assertive. Ever so often have an evening where you talk about the bits in the book that struck you both as important. It will keep the lines of dialogue open rather than going round the same old circle. You will learn a lot about affairs including the most important fact of all: you can get over an affair but it needs lots of talking, learning, and courage.
Cheryl Adkins says
My husband recently passed away. I found evidence of him having cheated on me becsuse I found condoms in his bag. Since he is deceased I can’t ask him. So now I am left to make up details. I obsess over them. I believe the affair was 2 years ago when we were having a rough time. I know he loved me but I still can’t get the images and thooughts of his betrayal out of my mind. I can’t eat or sleep and I cry constantly. How do I stop obsessing and go back to remembering the love we shared and the life we built for 37 years?
Andrew G. Marshall says
I think you should consider going for some bereavement counselling. Being angry with your partner is part of the natural healing process. My partner died (twenty ears ago) and I went through a stage of being angry with my parents and all sorts of other people – mainly because I was angry with fate for taking away my beloved. So what I am saying is that grief plays all sorts of tricks and takes powerful feelings and attaches them to places they do not necessarily belong. I wonder if this is what has happened with the condoms, so that they have taken on too much space in your mind. A therapist will explore your feelings about his potential unfaithfulness (because that’s all it is) and cut it down to an appropriate size. If you want to read about my journey through the first year after my bereavement, it is called ‘My Mourning Year’