When something as devastating as an affair happens, you want to get back on track as quickly as possible—but where do you start?
So you don’t feel too overwhelmed, I’ve taken all the advice from my book on life after cheating and various articles and boiled everything down into my best seven pieces of advice:
1. Don’t make any big decisions too quickly after discovering your partner’s infidelity
Appreciate that you are in shock and it will take at least two months to begin to recover and start to understand all the implications. It might be tempting to end the relationship straight away. However, if you do, your partner will walk away with the answer to lots of questions that you’ll want answering.
2. Don’t forgive too quickly either
Most people who are unfaithful don’t tell all in the first confession, but in stages. Also, if you forgive your partner early on, he or she have no impetus to tell you more; in fact they have a reason to tell you less—because they don’t want to ruin the new peace.
3. Don’t expect to recover and get over your discovery in a snap of your fingers
If you simply dump your partner and move on without dealing with the issues, you may find that you take your problems on to your next relationship and have trust issues there instead. Time spent working on yourself is never wasted.
4. You are not responsible for your partner’s infidelity
However, you were part of the relationship that broke down and need to think about what went wrong – and in greater depth than “I made a bad choice of partner”.
Think of three boxes:
- Your partner’s stuff. (not your responsibility)
- Your stuff (definitely your responsibility)
- Your relationship stuff (which is half your responsibility and half your partners)
5. Appreciate that infidelity finds the fault lines in your own life and blows them apart
After infidelity, the issues that have been simmering under the surface—like money, your partner’s mother, sex etc—will come up to the surface and need to be addressed. It’s what makes life after cheating difficult but it’s also an opportunity to get to the bottom of everything.
6. If you’re learning about yourself—no matter how painful the process might be—that’s really positive
I’m always asked ‘how do I know when it’s pointless to keep trying to recover from infidelity and when it’s best to separate’. My answer is always the same, if you’re still growing and learning about yourself, love and relationships then keep going.
If it seems you’re stuck, banging your head, and have taken all the learning—that’s the time to move on rather than going round and round in circles.
7. Get help early
It could be reading a book like my How Can I Ever Trust You Again? or looking at the videos of experts on YouTube. It will help you get everything into proportion and not feel so alone because there is life after cheating.
Getting help also shows that you are caring for yourself—and let’s face it that’s important after such a devastating discovery.
Dawn says
Hi Andrew,
I am struggling with my role of a betrayed spouse. My husband and I are entering the 6th month since the discovery with subsequent discoveries of 2 other affairs. While my husband is doing all that he can to restore our marriage (he goes to counseling , communicates his feelings, full transparency etc.), he does still lack insight into what may cause me pain such as making a decision to travel (2 hours) with a female colleague whom I do not know to an all day conference. They have done this in the past and I fully believe that it is innocent however, based on the facts that all of his 3 affairs were with female colleagues, I communicated that I did not like the idea of him traveling with yet another colleague. I also communicated that it put me in the role of the demanding wife. I am so resentful that now I am cast into that role of a wife who because of insecurities puts restrictions on her husband. Won’t this destroy the marriage? My husband completely agreed with me and said he was wrong and did not consider my feelings. He also said that he has no right to go with another woman since he broke our trust. I hate that I am the one who had to speak out in order for him to see that. He did end up changing the conference to a different date so he could go alone, but I am left feeling like the bad guy.
Andrew G. Marshall says
You are not the bad guy. You are recovering from the shock of several betrayals. Six months is early days. It sounds like you need lots of support from other people going through just these sorts of problems and the videos and live events in my group. Andrew G. Marshall’s Infidelity Survival Training and Support Group One piece of advice: accepting the feelings (I am frightened) but challenge the thoughts (I am putting restrictions on my husband and this will destroy our marriage. You are not putting restrictions. You are asking for help. It is not forever but just while your feelings are so raw. It is unlikely to destroy your marriage – unless you get stuck in this place). Can you see how your thoughts – once challenged – make the feelings less overwhelming. There is a video about this and more support in the group.
Dawn says
Hi Andrew,
I am back again. It seems that I can hold it together for a short period of time and then that ball that I have been pushing underwater eventually resurfaces. My husband and I are about 7 months past recovery and we are for the most part recommitted to our marriage. My husband is really doing his part in helping me heal. He is loving, flirty and we are intimate often. All the things that were missing in our marriage. So why can’t I just accept the good and call it a day. Why when he flirts with me do I immediately wonder if that was the way he was with “her?” Why also is there this nagging thought that since he was not attractive to me before, how can he be so into me now? I also am beginning to feel resentment lately whenever he is a little more “sexually forward” in his desire for me. Something that I have been wanting for so long. I really enjoy our love making but anything that has to do with “sex” I am triggered. Just the word sometimes triggers me to think about them. How do I feel special again?
Thanks always for the advice!
Dawn
Andrew G. Marshall says
I am sorry to hear that the ball has pinged back up to the surface again. Have you thought of joining my Infidelity Survival Training and Support Group? I answer questions just like this in detail (with a live session every week) and I have lots of helpful videos. Andrew G. Marshall’s Infidelity Survival Training and Support Group I would suggest trying something called ‘Hug until relaxed’ when you are triggered. Practice it a few times away from sex, so you are ready if you are triggered in the bedroom. This is how it works. Most hugs are a quick in and out. But this involves holding each other, until you can feel each other relax and melt into each other. It normally takes about three to five minutes. At this point, talk to your husband and tell him what you are imagining. His job is to listen and give you another hug. If you feel like it, at this point, you can start to make love again.