A Reader Writes…
14 months ago, I found out my husband was having an affair. We have been married just short of 20 years. We have four beautiful daughters and travelling well or so I thought.
From the day I discovered this affair, my husband has promised to end the affair, then left our home, then returned to again leave after three weeks. This has happened four times.
I have allowed this behaviour as each time I have thought “he must be sure this time” and each time I am let down. The longest period of return has been this year and he stayed 3 months. This last time he returned he spoke about activities we would do together, work around the house. He even went to a counsellor. But he once again left and he has returned to the woman he states he loves. Each time he returns I question my sanity as to why I am allowing this ? And then I find I am waiting for him to return again. Why would he constantly lie about what he is doing?
I have read HCIETYA and so each time he returned, I was positive that with commitment by each other this would work. My question is how long do I allow my heart and my head to question what he truly wants.
In discovering the affair I found my husband had told many lies, brought items and hid them. He does not seem the person I knew and loved. Now he has brought a motorcycle upon his last departure. And the other woman has never left us alone, even though she knew we were trying to reconcile.
I am worried that what I am doing is setting my girls up to accept lies, deceit and deception in their own lives. I brought this up in discussion with my husband and he stated that our children had not been affected by our actions. This I do not agree with. What do I do? How long do I wait? Is he just hedging his bets?
When someone lies and cheats, you end up questioning everything because nothing makes sense. So let me try and shine some light into the gloom?
My next book is called My Husband Doesn’t Love Me and He’s Texting Someone Else and it’s for anyone in your situation and saying my husband cannot choose between me and his mistress. Basically, it’s divided into two halves. The first explains why men fall out of love but don’t say anything (often because they’re nice guys and don’t want to upset someone). However, you can’t live without love forever and you know the rest. The second half is about how to stay sane in the midst of the madness and still work on saving your marriage.
So what happened? I know you’re going to say but I did love him and everything was fine. However, time and time again, men feel their wives leave them first! Your mouth is going to on the floor now. Who? How? I’ve never strayed! However, lots of women become so wrapped up in their children that they neglect their husbands until they feel I Love You but You Always Put Me Last.
In many cases, these men are also people pleasers (who keep everybody else happy and neglect their needs) and cannot be assertive – by this I mean ask for what they want. (There is more about this in My Wife Doesn’t Love Me Any More and an explanation of how to combat it). However, there is only so long you can go on ignoring your needs before you snap and say I deserve something for me. (This is where the mistress comes in.)
So why does he keep on lying? He’s a people pleaser and he wants to make you happy (when the words are coming out of his mouth). However, he’s now trying to please two women and so he’s lying twice as much and to everybody (including, most seriously of all, himself). So he doesn’t know what the hell he wants (and if he’s not careful will end up getting seriously depressed or having a break down).
So what do you do? You’ve got to understand this situation better. Look at the two books that I mentioned. They will give you something to get your teeth into while I’m finishing the one you really need. Next, think about your part in perpetuating the madness and step back and work on yourself – rather than trying to save your marriage. (Have a look at Learn to Love Yourself Enough).
Keep the door open for further talks and be pleasant and cooperative over the girls – but tell him you’re taking six months out to sort your head out. Once you’re calmer, you will have a better sense of how to move forward.