There’s nothing worse than a man who can’t choose. Well-meaning friends who tell you to divorce him but you want to save your marriage.
A Reader Writes…
I feel like the last five months have been a roller coaster! My husband of 13 years walked out on myself and our two small children (2 and 4) unexpectedly. He visited us on and off for a few weeks saying he was coming back/undecided etc. There was another woman involved – he worked with her and it transpires the affair had been going on for approx 9 months. He ended it when I found out and he got a flat to rent (in the earlier weeks he had been living at her house). He said he couldn’t be with me while having these feelings for her. So we began to work on our marriage, improving communication as suggested in your books. However I have since discovered he took back up with her a few weeks later, she rang me! And I told him enough was enough, so he said he would give us a few more weeks… I gave him another chance, but he took back up with her a few weeks later… yes she rang me again and that’s how I found out!
But he makes plans with us – like talking about going on holiday in the summer, about building back up to coming to stay at our house, talking about Christmas etc.
So I have a yo-yo partner as you describe in your books! We have spoken at length about things and what I find frustrating is that each time I have found out he has been seeing her again it has been because she has called me ‘behind his back’ to tell me. In fact last week I was on the phone to him discussing childcare when she started screaming and shouting abuse in the background! Later that night I had three missed calls from her and then a call from my husband (with her shouting in the background) and he said ‘I have something to tell you, I don’t love you, I love someone else’. His tone of voice sounded really down and the following day when he came to see the children I said I felt that phone call was uncalled for as I already knew that and he didn’t have to be so brutal again. He said she wanted him to ring me to make the situation clear (hence the calls earlier in the evening from her).
I’ve told him I am removing myself from the tripod and standing back, concentrating on being a mummy, my job and looking after me until uncertainty is over. We did mention divorce and he said we could do that to stop the madness but despite me seeing a solicitor I just don’t feel it’s right… not yet anyway. He says she makes him happy but can’t explain how.
He has agreed NOT to let her meet our children for a minimum of six months now it’s all in the open, and he has told her she must keep away from me and the children as not to jeopardise his relationship with the children.
If this is the end of our marriage, fair enough, I have been put through hell the last five months. But he has yo-yo’ed between us both for the last five months, she is the one who seems to be controlling the situation – calling me up and saying he is with her when he is saying he is working on our marriage. My husband is someone who I always got my own way with and he does anything for an easy life (his parents also divorced when he was 5 because his dad had an affair).
Weirdly we get on so much better now, and a lot of dead bodies in our marriage have come to the surface. When he is here with us, he’s his lovely normal self. However when he leaves us and goes back to his house and I have to ring him about childcare etc. his tone is different and generally not nice to me.
It was our son and mine’s birthday yesterday and we had a party. He came and found it hard, he cried a lot and snuck upstairs to cry. (He really wanted to come as originally I had said no). I also found out he cries when he drops our little girl off at school once a week when he takes her – he cries the way to work in the car after leaving her.
I know I am not to blame as I can be controlling and argumentative and a pain and I couldn’t be bothered with sex since having the littlest child (husband informed me we had not had sex since April 2011). However even he says I have really changed since all this and he likes how I’ve changed into such a good person and he is now such a bad person. Those are his exact words.
I can’t help but feel he does want to try but that he’s got too involved with her and this is the easiest option. He says he is taking a risk on her and that he might end up regretting it. I know letting him go is the best I can do for now. He says the kids are his no.1 priority and that he’s told her she will always be second. He says she’s fine with this… but I wouldn’t put up with that forever – I can see she would agree with it to placate him for the time being but the reality would be much harder to deal with I guess.
So I am unsure if I am wasting my time. I do still love him and I do think if he can break contact we could stand a good chance but he works with her too and she seems very determined.
There have been so many lies – not at all like him this is so out of character. The last time we were trying again he said I could believe everything he said and that this time he meant it and he wanted the children to know he wasn’t a liar!
I know affairs take place in a bubble world but how long does it take for them to explode when exposed to reality? I can’t let the children and myself live in limbo for much longer although this is the first time it has come out for everyone to know about. Will he (hopefully) realise the feelings aren’t real for her when he isn’t around me so much to feel anything for me? While she is there will the feelings ever change? I know he doesn’t see her every night and he does not live with her and we spoke honestly the other night and he has no plans at all to live with her…but she may have other ideas I don’t know.
Well meaning people tell me to divorce him, sell the house, take him for all I can get etc but I don’t want to. He has said he will give me the house as he wants me and the children to be safe, happy and comfortable. He says he left me and so deserves nothing from the house money etc.
I’ve read ILYB, heal and move on and HCIETYA. Although I am not sure which affair he has had… an exit affair? Although he says he never had the affair to exit the marriage it was because he was unhappy and he never wanted it to end like this. He says while it was happening and I never knew about it he really was trying to put things right between us.
So sorry for my ramblings, I miss him very much, love him very much, and it’s so scary standing back letting him go and know she’s there but if this is my only chance of us resolving this then I have to do it. Thank you and any advice is very welcome!
Andrew Replies…
I felt quite proud of you as I read your letter—I didn’t feel it rambled at all. I thought it showed that you’d spent a lot of time thinking about yourself and the situation. It’s positive that those dead bodies have come to the surface and that you have looked at yourself and realised that you can be can be controlling—and you’re prepared to admit that no sex since 2011 might have been a mistake. All of this is really positive.
We’ve seen that he might want to do anything for an easy life, but my goodness he hasn’t got an easy life now! So what should you do? I think you should step back, continue to be polite, listen to him and then review the situation after six months. If at any point he does talk about coming back, I think you have to be very clear there needs to be a space between him finishing with her, and starting again with you. Six months is a realistic amount of time before reviewing the situation. It will provide space for him to find out what he really wants—my guess is that it won’t be her—and for you to be certain that his relationship has truly run its course.
In the meantime, continue to work on yourself and look at how you can be less controlling. I’m interested in you being assertive rather than domineering. I cover this area in three of my books, the most important being Resolve Your Differences, where there is a chapter on assertiveness. The other is Help Your Partner Say Yes where I explain about something called Transactional Analysis (or TA for short).
Lastly, My Wife Doesn’t Love Me Anymore, although aimed at men the book explains a lot about how to have better communication, and how people alternate between being domineering and being passive. I think all of these would be helpful.
Photography by Chris James Dade.
Danielle A Drollette says
I just find out that the guy that I was dating for more than year was still in touch with his girlfriend that lives out of states that he was moving in with her, sending her gifts, and letter, in the other hand he was telling me that he want to have a sane happy life with me. He was talking, sharing pics, texting with both of us. I knew a little about her, but she knew nothing about me. She only found out that he was with me because she hired a private investigator to spy on him. Once he got caught, he tried to deny it. Her and I starting exchanging texted, photos that he has sent for both us. First he begged her for forgiveness and she said no after that, he turned it to me by telling me that he needs help and he want to work things out with me. What should I do? She keeping messaging me and he keeping messaging her? It is a mess! Please help me!!!
Andrew G. Marshall says
If he wants to work on his relationship with you, he can’t do that if he’s sending messages to his other girlfriend. If you’re going to trust him, he will need to be honest – something he’s shown no readiness to do yet. I think you know what to do but you’ve not found the courage to do it yet.
Rita says
It was great reading this post as it reflects my life at the moment only difference is my husband continues to live with me in separate rooms and continues to see his mistress … they are in contact daily and go out every weekend … he tells me he does not enjoy my company anymore and that he has no affinity for me … I had a family party to attend and although initially I asked if he would come he refused saying he didn t like birthday parties however the day before the party he had s change of heart … at this point I don t think it’s appropriate to have him escort me to the party as he confuses me and I feel I need to detach until or if ever he is ready to recommit to our relationship … it’s difficult as I don t know how to behave any more …
Andrew G. Marshall says
I think you’ve answered your own question. You need to detach because your husband’s behaviour is undermining your self respect and sanity. Have a look at my book ‘My husband doesn’t love me and he’s texting someone else’ because this will give you some tips of radical acceptance (accepting something even if you don’t like it: ie he’s involved with somebody else) and responding to what is happening rather than focusing on what you wish would happen.
Lisa says
My husband and I separated and he spent a week with his gf. It’s a long distance relationship and due to circumstances, let’s just say he will not be able to see her for a year and their communication will be limited extremely limited. That being said, he says he’s still unsure of what he wants and I know I have to give him space to figure it out. What I find unfair is that he’s telling me he’s unsure whereas I’m sure when he does get to talk to her, he’s still saying he loves her. However, based on how he acts around me, I know he still cares and really is confused. He is open to counseling so I hope that helps him figure out what he wants.
All that being said, he says he still wants to spend time with me even though we’re separated. Is this a good idea? Part of me thinks this is how we can reconnect and possibly fall back in love. And I do know I’m putting myself out there to get hurt again. But at this point, we’re not saying we’re going to be back together but just spending time as friends. I feel he might realize all that I was and could be for him. We don’t talk to each other everyday or anything so it’s not like it’s going back to routine but almost like he wants to go out on dates every so often. What do you think? Again, I can guarantee his communication with her is limited (let’s just say due to legal matters) so I feel like this could be my chance to show him that I could’ve been everything he was missing and more.
Andrew G. Marshall says
I’m sorry about your situation, it must be painful and hurtful. However, I don’t there is any point second guessing what he says to her. You simply don’t know. The problem is your fantasy conversation will quickly become your internal reality and effect the way you feel. So please, stop yourself next time you start imagining what they might or might not be saying. Instead focus on what you can control: your action and your choices. If you enjoy spending time with him and you use the opportunity to communicate in different ways or connect in a fresh new way – I would say GO FOR IT. If it is so painful that only the hope of him falling back in love is making it possible, I would think again. Take it day by day, use this time to work on yourself and feel stronger. In this way, whatever happens next you will have learnt something important during this interregnum between the past and the future
Sandra says
Hi Andrew
5weeks I found out that my husband was having an affair, out of hopelessness for our marriage. We discussed our issues, found resolutions, he broke up the 3months affair, we started spending lots of couple time together but he now tells me how empty our relationship feels and all physical connection is 1sided. He says “he is blocked and is having a hard time reconnecting with me and letting go of his mistress”. He enjoys our time together but not at an emotional level.
Is there any hope for my situation?
Andrew G. Marshall says
Yes, there is hope but you have to be prepared for a bumpy ride. You husband is mourning the loss of someone he believed was important. So naturally he is thinking about her and it is easy to think this is a sign that he is not getting over her – rather than a natural part of the process. Listen to him, when he talks about feeling empty (because although it could be heard as about the marriage, it is probably just as much about how he feels about himself). In January 2020, I have a new book out called ‘why did I cheat?’ which is for people who had the affair and helps them recover (and help their partner recover). It sounds like your husband will benefit from it
Michelle says
My husband has cheated on me more than once. His last one was (is) a pretty intense emotional affair with someone I know and run into regularly. They had been talking/seeing each other for close to a year when I found out and finally stopped communicating about 7 months after I found out. During that time, he said they tried to cut each other out but didn’t manage because they were in love, basically soulmates, and couldn’t stay away. We went through a bout of counselling, but I think we made a mistake in not being clear with our expectations out of the sessions. In any case, he lied to the therapist that he was ok, at which point we were deemed “safe” to rebuild our family without help. The last time I caught him texting and planning a date with the mistress, I said I was done, took off my ring and left the bedroom. A couple of weeks later, for the first time, he explicitly said that he didn’t want a divorce. So I decided to stay and try again, knowing that at this point he had blocked her as a contact. So he chose to stay in the marriage but I feel like it’s just for our kids and not because he loves me. He’s so trapped in this affair/addiction that he ends up comparing me to his mistress, even though he says he doesn’t, because she knew how to talk to him and make him feel wanted. Interestingly enough, his mistress and I are very alike and their relationship looks a lot like ours, pre-marriage and pre-children. Unlike me, being a single mom with shared custody, she has more alone time and therefore time for him than our family life allows on my end. He refuses to see that 16 years as a couple is not comparable to year 1 of a “prohibited” relationship where you still have everything to learn about each other. After seemingly doing fine for 2 months, he has now taken up to talking to some other woman, which I just found out. He says she’s a rebound from his affair, because it fills the void left by his mistress. He has obviously abandoned all hopes of letting me fill that void or at least try (we have signed up for counselling which hasn’t yet started) but wouldn’t admit to it. I feel like I’m always left to make the tough decisions and that he lives his life like a single man with no regard for my feelings or the consequences of his behaviour on our relationship and on our children. Part of me still has a hard time accepting that there’s no love and attraction left between us because we actually get along very well and he only gets defensive when I bring up the cheating to explain to him that I need to feel loved and respected. He usually answers with a list of grievances he has against me, be they old, new or even resolved, which diminishes or erases anything positive we may have been doing. It’s as if he was trying to justify his careless behaviour, which he feels entitled to as he is mourning the death of his affair. My self-esteem is taking a major beating, so I think I’m coming to terms with the idea of leaving my marriage. I’m tired of being made to feel like I’m an obstacle to his happiness when I truly believed we both had been doing our best over the years given our circumstances. He says I don’t make him unhappy, but doesn’t behave accordingly. Every time I run into the mistress, she looks at me like I robbed her of her happiness and it hurts. I actually feel like a 3rd wheel at times. I’m afraid leaving is the wrong decision, I don’t know how much longer to think about it and if he/we deserve another chance, and I don’t even know where to start logistically, because we’re financially tied down and have zero family or support around. I feel for everyone living in this uncertainty.
Andrew G. Marshall says
It’s time like this when I want to put my head in my hands and weep. Your husband is given the chance to be helped but lies to his therapist. When he is in pain from ending one affair, he decides the best solution is to start another! I truly wonder what our world would be like if men were taught (when they are boys) that it’s OK to ask for help, we don’t have to resolve everything ourselves and to be honest about our feelings (rather than hide them away and get so down that we explode with some stupid behaviour). All this doesn’t help you…. So what would I suggest, hold onto your counselling session and use it to put your cards on the table: he lied to the first therapist, you’re both in a lot of pain, you are willing to change so the relationship can grow and become loving again but you cannot and will not cope with serial affairs. I have a suspicion that the next few months will be the making or the breaking of your husband. However, whatever happens, I think you will be OK. So start believing in yourself again.
Karen says
Hello.
So my husband had an old friend who he used to be in love with. Me and him were having problems and during this time he decided to reach out to her and meet up with her.
He told me that as they were talking he started getting old feeling for her.
And it got to the point to were he told her that they should be together and try and make it happen between them two. She’s married as well so they agreed they couldn’t do that.
So they kissed goodnight and went there separate ways.
Fast forward to a couple months after . Me and him were doing amazing and that’s when he confessed to me everything. Said he couldn’t live with this and had to tell me.
Told me that it was a mistake and that he didn’t mean anything he said to her. That he only said that because she was making him happy at the moment.
We have stayed together but I can’t seem to get over this and let it go.
All I can’t think about is that I can’t believe he was going to leave me and his daughter for her.
I don’t know how to let go. I feel as if he still loves her and is only with me because he can’t be with her.
I need advice.
Andrew G. Marshall says
You can’t get over these fears for a perfectly good reason: your marriage was threatened and you need to understand why, make changes and stop it happening again. Unfortunately, your husband wants to cover it all with ‘I made a mistake’ and push it all under the carpet. Read my book ‘How can I ever trust you again’ as this will explain the stages of recovery from an affair and help you understand why your husband was so vulnerable. If your husband works through the exercises in the book with you it will a way of him to demonstrate how much he is committed to making your marriage work.
Crystal says
Me and my husband separated, only to agree we would work things out. I was not allow to have male friends,go out with anyone or be on Facebook, as he told me,doing so showed I didn’t want to work on my marriage. I found out on my birthday on our way to dinner,that he had been seeing someone since we separated.And i didn’t take my marriage seriously!!!!! Every since June it has been lies and back and forth. He went as far as saying she was seeing his cousin. Only to find out he was still with her. I stop hearing from her in Oct and I thought things would be ok, up until a few days ago she emailed me wanting to know what was going on between me and my husband. I explain but although she was limit on details,she knew quiet about what we talked about and she said they still talked and he didn’t want anything to do with me. He accuses me of reading to deep into this convo between me and her and says im just buying into it cause im guilty,which im not. I am to hurt by my husband and sadly love him to where I can’t move on. He is a narrcist to my opinion,as soon as he gets caught he always flips on me and her. He said she’s lying of course,that he hasn’t talk to her since Oct., but why wud she come up two months later with same stuff. Please help me, is it time I put my foot or walk away. ,cause in my heart I know he’s guilty and torn between us both. He’s put a year into it with the other woman. Advice please!!!!!
Andrew G. Marshall says
My first piece of advice would be not to label him. There is a big difference between being a narcissist (which includes only a small percentage of the population) and having narcissistic tendencies (which most people exhibit from time to time). Unfortunately, there are hundreds of ‘tests’ on the Internet where you answer several questions on your partner’s behalf – such diagnoses should only be made by a psychiatrist. In the meantime, you feel worse because your husband is a narcissist and can’t change – rather than a stupid liar who can’t chose between his wife and his mistress. So what do you? I think there is a third option between putting your foot down and walking away. I call it radical acceptance. Your husband can’t chose. You’re not going to leap up and down and try and make him chose. You’re going to calmly step away from this triangle. When he’s got his head in a better place, he knows where you are. In the meantime, you will be polite and business like. You will not stop him from seeing the children and forward on his mail but you won’t try and solve his problems or get pulled into his drama. You can find out more in my book ‘My husband doesn’t love me and he’s texting someone else.’
Mayelin says
My husband and I have been together for almost 6 years and we have a daughter together and a son he helped me raise sunscreen he was 1 year and a half years old. He has been cheating on me for our entire relationship and the other women was the one who called me to tell me. He has had a very hard time letting her go and I have been continuously fighting for my marriage and trying to save it. Because I do love him and because of religious reasons. He says he does not know what it is about the other women that he can’t let her go but that he doesn’t want to lose me and his family. He says I am his safe place and that’s why he continues to come back. I cook, I clean, I take care of my home, of my kids and him. He recently told me that the other way women is pregnant and that he feels he is in love with both of us but yet he wants me to accept the situation and stay with him. I have decided to leave him and let him go through water it is he needs to go through and maybe God will send me sometime that will love only me and value me as I deserve. I still love him and I am super broken hearted as I did not want to lose my marriage. The other women has always known about me. I have not told him yet that I think we should separate, I am having such a hard time and I keep crying. I am far away from family and am having a lot of financial issues which has made all this even worse. I suggested he gets help, counselling or therapy to work on himself before he could commit to anyone. I didn’t want my kids to come from a broken home as him and I did. I wanted t break that cycle but It’s like the am the only one fighter to save the marriage. He doesn’t seem to want to let her go and I can’t be in this unhealthy situation. Any advice?
Elize says
I am in the same position. My husband cant make up his mind if he wants her or me. He says he wants me and I left so many times but each time he came to bring me back. He get crazy and says he cant live without me. He promises me that it is over between them and I know for a fact that he does not see her. But I think he still message her and phones her. He told me that her number is blocked on his phone but just this past Sunday she phoned him. I answered and she did not say anything just drop the call.
She used to phone me all the time, ( even lost my job because of her phoning ). She will tag me on face book and ask my husband daughter ( not their child ) to take photos and send it to her then she will make her wallpaper photos that she blended with him and her.
I feel sorry for her because I know how she must feel.
We live together and sleep in the same bed.
But when ever ( like now ) when his daughter is with us he does not touch me at all, maybe to scared that his daughter will tell her that he is loving tawards me I don’t know. But it hurts.
I love him so much he is my whole world and I wish I can stand back but I don’t know how.
Next year we will be divorced, ( my choice because our old marriage is broken ). I am scared that he is going to see her more then.
How do I go on????
How???
Millypenny says
Hello you amazing women , I am i impressed with your strength and candour , my husband was with me 30 years and 8 years ago left twice for some woman whom lived around the corner. My teenaged son saw them walking into a nightclub , he confronted his father and his girlfriend . He text me that night ,and is father went for him and the girl ran off crying , some time later , he packed his bags and left my three boys and me , gone for four years, he came back now and again and broke my heart, I loved him, slept with him now and again , he has came back for 3 months once but left when she booked a holiday to the far East all expenses paid. My sons paid a huge price and still are , well he has been home for 5years now and he is not remorseful, no holidays , days out, made a huge mistake having him back, stuck now, life over. Not a doormat but given up trying ,,, help please.
Andrew G. Marshall says
What a horrible story. You have my sympathy. But although you ask for my help, the only person who had help you is YOU. If you have given up trying, that probably means it’s time to end the relationship.
Susan says
I found out in July my husband of 8 years but been together for 22 years was cheating on me with a co worker. He left for a few days then came back said it was over and wanted me to give him another chance. I agreed and tried hard (I struggled that he saw her at work) At the end of Sept i found out he was still seeing her and told him to leave. He did no protests from him. He went to stay at his parents. We remained in contact as we have a son. Although I was devestated I left him to it as felt he’d made his decision. After 4 weeks he found himself a flat and she moved in with him. The day after she moved in he came to me saying he’d been unfair to me he realised this and he didn’t want her at the flat. I told him he needed to tell her to leave then. Which he did. Only took him a week. She still had a key and some of her stuff was there. Since then he continues to see her whilst all the time telling me he is in love with me, I look amazing, he sees no future with her blah blah blah. He is constantly manipulating me into thinking he’s going to come back. I have told him if he wants her be with her and after 22 years I think he owes me to be honest and tell me he doesn’t want this anymore. He continues to say “if that is what I thought I’d tell you!” This behaviour is driving me mad. We spent Christmas together, which I found emotionally hard. I cried, told him I love him and pleaded with him to make a decision either way to end this hurt. Since he left I can see why the affair probably happened. The usual spent more time trying to juggle family, job, children and forgot about us. He agreed and said she just made him feel needed/wanted. He takes full responsibility for the affair though and says I did nothing wrong and he doesn’t want me to blame myself. I told him I wasn’t going into the New Year being messed about. Nothing has changed still seeing her saying the same “if I didn’t want you i would tell you!” He said he’s finding it all really difficult like an addiction but won’t make any efforts to try to sort it. I have in the 2 weeks taken a step back. No text, unless about our son, no kisses on texts and only small talk when he comes over. Is this the best action? I do not want this to be over because I love him and apart from the last year our relationship was very good. I am certain if he wanted this enough we could change things and make it work. I know I need to back off to protect myself as it’s going to finish me off! It’s all I think about, its all consuming. Why is he doing this? I have said that as he’s clearly not coming back we need to discuss sorting the house, finances etc he says he’s not ready for that and hasn’t made any decisions he is just trying to stay away from me because he’s being so horrible to me.
Help!!!!
Dona says
Hello . I read your book I love you but not in love with you . 10 months back my husband came to and told me he has no feelings for me . I think I was needy initially after he told since I was not understanding on why he lost he feelings and the reasons he told me seemed very lame . Rite after that he started distancing himself from me emotionally and physically. 3 months after he told me this I found out that he had been on dating apps and had met a girl online and was connected with her emotionally and physically . I am not sure when exactly he met this girl but i found out that way before he came and spoke to me
About his feelings he was on dating apps . When I found out that he was cheating with me and lying I confronted him and he said he wants to work on the marriage and he does not love that girl . I did ask him if he did not have feelings then why does he want to work on the marriage. He convinced me that he believes feelings Can be rebuilt . He never agreed to come to a therapist or anything . 3 months went by and I was almost normal with him
But he would not come close to me physically or never even try . I was sure he was still connected to her . However after 3 months form the first discovery I recently found that I was right and he was cheating on me . I told him about divorce and have given him a ultimatum to decide . I will miss him but I don’t know how else I can save my marriage from past 10 months its only me who was going thru hell and he was enjoying
Ps- we were one of those couples who were fondly admired by friends as best couples . We dated for long and then got married . It’s 6 years now and we don’t have kids yet .. All these feelings issues started while were were tying for a baby . Is the anything that you recommend please
okthen84 says
I found out a few weeks ago that my BF of 6 years was having an emotional affair with his boss at work for the last 3 months (she is in a relationship as well). Now my BF is unsure if he wants to stay with me (says he still loves me and the thought of leaving me makes him sick), but he can’t ignore the mutual feelings that they have for each other and they think that they could be happy together (he says they are slightly more compatible than we are). I’ve tried to tell him that he is living in the fantasy of this idealized relationship and he is ignoring big red flags (her BF still not knowing about them, the fact that she all of a sudden doesn’t know if she wants children(he doesn’t want kids), her being emotionally needy and moving too fast in relationships) but he’s said they have discussed all of these things and they STILL think they could be good together. I’m worried that she has created an environment of gratitude and dependence at work (she helped him get a promotion and helps him with his daily duties) coupled with the fact that she majorly boosts his ego by telling him how out of her league he is and how handsome he is. I’ve tried explaining that he was missing this sort of connection with me and he sought it out in her, but he seems to think that it is fate, they found each other somehow, and that this all happened organically. I asked him to transfer immediately, but he is hesitant and feels like he can still work beside her and make his decision about us. He is taking a week break from both our relationship and his work to stay with his parents to think about what he wants, but he says that it may not help either. I love him deeply, but I don’t know if I can take much more of this limbo. I truly feel that he needs to cut the cord with her completely to get clarity on our situation and his “feelings” for her. I’m just so heartbroken and lost at this point.
Andrew G. Marshall says
I can understand how painful this must be and how frustrating when you can see how big a mistake he’s making. If you can’t take any more of this limbo, I think you have to listen to yourself and take a step back. You’ve said your piece and debating with him won’t help (beyond make you more frustrated and hurt). What if you ‘cut the cord’ got a bit with him too, so you could get clarity?
Cynyee says
Hi ,
I need an advice. I not sure my marriage still able to work it out.
My Husband confessed to me that he has a Girlfriend with no intention to break up. Yet he didn’t want to divorce me and wanting me to stay by his side. We had two girls aged 7 and 1 year old. What do you think I should do?
Jana says
My 48 year old husband started an affair 18 months ago with a 19 year old. They are now 50 & 21. We have been separated for 6 months. Unbeknownst to me, he lived with her the first two months of separation ( I thought he was with a friend). While living with her, he continued telling me he loved me and can’t imagine life without me…but will not end the affair. Once I found out he was living with her, he moved to his moms to get a clear head. Nonetheless, he sees her 1-2 times per week and me once every other week. He will not mention divorce or separate our money. When I ask why he won’t reconcile, he says he is “working on it” but there is no action. Nothing to indicate he wants to end the marriage. He knows I know about his nights with her yet he still lies and hides it all. He is now drinking daily and headed for much loss (of our adult daughters and me). What in the world?
Andrew G. Marshall says
To make any sense of this, you need to understand how men are brought up and the code of men for this to make any sense. Basically, real men sort it all out on their own. They don’t talk to other men and therefore they have no body to say: This is going to end badly. Because the men at work – who have had a divorce – don’t tell him how miserable they are or what it feels like to be alienated from their children (or on polite terms), he thinks it will be fine or the children will ‘come round’. So they shut down and hope for the best (and get the worst). He is terrified that this child will not make him feel better and he has no other plan for sorting out his life. So he lies to everybody and worst of all himself (because that stops him realising how desperate the situation is). So what are you going to do? I would start off by understanding how your marriage reached this point. My books ‘My husband doesn’t love me and he’s texting someone else’ and ‘it’s not a midlife crisis, it’s an opportunity’ will start the ball rolling. Next, I would work on reaching a better place for yourself: where you can decide if you truly want this man back or not. The road ahead is tough but it’s better to understand it than be stuck asking ‘what in the world’. Good luck with making an informed decision.
Legal Wife says
Dear Andrew,
I would like your expert advice on how to handle this.
My husband had a full blown affair. He did came back but refuse to end the affair.
They are thousand of miles apart but because of facebook, continues to communicate everyday and have video sex.
They even posted a picture of both of them on the other woman’s facebook cover photo.
Since the other woman is posting their affair on facebook, how do I fight back?
I have friends and relatives who wanted to tag and exposed the real truth about the affair and the other woman.
They are amazed on how this other woman has the nerve to expose their affair online.
Divorce is not the solution since the other woman wanted to come here in America and have a green card.
I know she is using my husband, but my husband is blind.
She has a history of being a prostitute, my husband will not believe it though.
My husband is asking for proof that the other woman used to be a prostitute.
Are there any among your readers who had a similar experience?
Have you met any clients who have the same dilemma as what I am in now/?
How did they handle this?
What do I do?
I do not want to drag my children in this online drama.
Is there any legal remedy?
Can I ask facebook to shut down their account since there’s nudity involved?
Can I sue facebook? Because of facebook, a lot of families have been destroyed and having an affair is as easy as calling on your cellphone.
How do I handle this without appearing that I am “chasing” or pursuing my husband?
On the other hand, doing nothing is as if I condone their affair and I am letting this other woman do what she wants online.
The other woman’s family and friends were told that the only reason my husband came back is only because of our children. My husband is telling me that he came back not only because of the children but because he still have feelings left for me. He said if it was just for the children, then he can just come and visit the children but not come home and stay with us.
How long should I wait till my husband decides if it’s me or the other woman?
Andrew G. Marshall says
I am not an expert on facebook and whether it is possible to sue them (but I think this is a distraction). Over to other readers for their experiences and thoughts. He sounds like he has put his fingers in his ears and is hoping that everything will go away. You sound incredibly angry. Sadly, you can’t make him take his fingers out of ears. The only person, you can change is yourself. So what next? What needs to be a quiet and sensible discussion between you and your husband. It sounds like you will need a third party – a therapist – to help you decide a way forward. Listen to him and what he has to say…. because it will help you decide what next. Don’t just blow up because you know that will just make him retreat. How long should you wait? Until you’re ready to make a decision. My guess is that if you wait for him to decide, he will try and put off the moment of decision again and again. You might find my book ‘It’s not a midlife crisis, it’s an opportunity’ will also help.
Legal Wife says
Dearest Andrew,
Thank you for your thoughts.
The other woman’s facebook account has been gone since last Saturday.
Not sure if she deactivated or just made it private.
Unfortunately, there is no sense discussing the other woman since my husband is still a bit in fantasy mode, but my therapist is hoping that based on my husbands actions, that the limerence is fading.
We already had several lengthy discussions and since I am tired of talking to my husband, when I communicate with him about the other woman I make it quick like making my point across in 5-10 minutes.
I find this very effective with him.
I have a very helpful and wonderful therapist while my husband has refused to seek any help and is very stubborn on solving this issue on his own.
I am very fortunate enough to be a positive influence on him and hopefully keep him away from negative influences like his sisters, family members and especially this other woman.
You are point on right, he keeps putting off the moment and fights back with his eternal silence when I am pressing him to quit his adulterous relationship.
I on the other hand, keeps moving forward with my life, our family life.
My life’s decision cannot be affected by this other woman.
Ever since I found out that she used to be a prostitute, I have gained all of my self confidence and she will not ever make me doubt myself ever again.
Thank you for all the wonderful things you do.
I am eternally grateful…
Samantha says
Dear Andrew,
My husband and I have been married 15 years and have three young children together. He has been having an affair (physical and emotional) for nearly a year now with his coworker. I noticed how my husbands behavior began to shift once things intensified in the affair. He has been so out out of character. I discovered the affair nearly two and a half months ago. At first he was apologetic but continued to contact her. And eventually reignited the affair. I myself have struggled with my own behavior the past two months as I have been very anxious and needy. The constant lies haven’t helped either. I know now the problems that were my fault to contribute to all this (complaining, focusing on the kids, being too tired, not paying enough attention.) Futhermore, he has always sacrificed and worked extremely long hours to provide and make ends meet, while I have been a stay at home mum who takes care of the children and all household needs and accounting. I have been going to therapy to work on my issues. Although at times this whole situation has left me feeling drained and exasperated. He claims to have tried to end it but could not. And he has become more blatant with his contact with her. They are in constant contact at home and while we are out as a family. It’s really uncomfortable and unsettling it’s like she is a constant presence in our lives and home. It makes me feel like I’m constantly on the edge. He sees nothing wrong with this at all even though I have stated how uncomfortable it makes me feel. He just wants me to be happy that he is with us. But it feels like he’s not really with us as his mind and heart are elsewhere. His family and my family are aware of the situation as well. In fact he resents me for them knowing. I already have said if he wants to explore his relationship with her farther it’s probably better off we separate as I am not comfortable with the continued constant contact. He said he doesn’t want to leave though and that he’s not happy with me right now and that sometimes he loves me and sometimes he doesn’t. He’s been saying he’s confused. Unfortunately, he hasn’t done much to get any clarity and continues to bury his head in the sand and seek advice from the other woman. He tells her everything and she tells him that he should be able to talk and have relationships with whoever he wants to. What would be the best course of action?
Andrew G. Marshall says
Your post comes across as calm but fed up. Calm is good because it means you can probably talk to him in a calm manner and listen to him – which will aid communication. I think you should put your cards on the table. You cannot live with half a marriage (with his attention elsewhere) and you’re beginning to run out of patience for him to decide what he wants to do. You’re not saying you are ready to make a decision but you are very close. Tell him what you’re thinking about doing and explain the status quo is not acceptable for your sanity. My guess is that he will not to do anything until he is forced to act. He will probably go and live with her and discover that the grass is not greener. Perhaps he will finally be ready to look at the real issues (which is not his marriage) but a personal crisis. If you want to understand more about what he’s going through and why he seems to be acting so irrationally, look at my book ‘It’s not a midlife crisis, it’s an opportunity.’
Franchie says
I’m in this circle for the past three years. Discovered the affair then he said he’ll give us a chance but he’s having difficult time abandoning the other woman because she’s pregnant. I thought we both agreed to move on and let the other woman raise the child on her own until such time that she files a case for support. But I was wrong. While I was emotionally recuperating, on or before she gave birth, they were secretly communicating until I discovered it again. He confessed that he’s confused especially now that he’s a father to the affair child. He wants to be with the child but it’s quite obvious too that he can’t just abandon me although he said he has fallen out of love (wtf). This time I convinced him to undergo religious marriage counselling and agreed that he cannot see and contact her directly while we are under this process. This time I focused on myself, dropped playing the role of a poor victim, and slowly regained a harmonious relationship (worked on improving ohr communication; basically I changed how I express my frustration) with him while tolerating the other woman who’s using the child to get some attention. However, few days after the baby’s birthday, I discovered that they are still secretly communicating. The endearment is there which made me feel that the affair has never stopped. So I told him how desperately I wanted this fcked up marriage to end. He’s so unfair. But he begged me to stay and promised to change his behavior. He admitted that the concern for the child will always be there but he made up his mind to finally cut his ties with the baby and the woman. My gut feeling is telling me that he’s no longer confused. He knows what he really wants this time, but he still need to earn my trust and commit that we have to face the consequences (the child) as a team. After that, I heard that my husband tried to avoid her. Few friends tipped me too that he’s angered by the other woman and he chose to be with me after all…and he’s really sorry… but he never confessed this (except the fact that he’s sorry and he chose his wife over the mistress) to me. Meanwhile, the mistress became quite loud in social media making it appear that she’s okay and in love. It’s been months since that turbulent point. We’ve been living peacefully for months now while the other woman tried to annoy me by posting few pictures of herself with cryptic captions. But now she’s quiet… how will I know if the affair has trully ended and she finally gave up on chasing my husband?
Andrew G. Marshall says
You need to draw a clear line between the affair (your husband’s intimate and sexual relationship) and the child (the product of it). The affair love will die but it is possible that there will be a degree of intimacy because of the child. Because this line is so blurred, it is easy to see ‘UNDYING LOVE’ when it is just ‘CONCERN FOR THE OTHER PARTNER OF A CHILD YOU BROUGHT INTO THE WORLD’. They are very different things. So how will you know if the affair is over? I think you will know in your heart of hearts that something is happening between the two of them. You will get a gut feeling and check it out. You will probably discover they have been in contact but whether it is about parent things rather than lover things will be harder to sort out. When you discover contact, take a deep breath, keep calm and ask the necessary questions. Keep up the good quality talking and slowly it will get better.
Samantha says
Thank you for your advice. He has decided to pursue the other woman but wants to continue to live at home because he doesn’t want to live with her. He said he can’t end it right now because he will always wonder. The problem with this is of course it will seem like a better relationship when they are only doing fun things together as opposed to doing real life together. I do not feel comfortable to live together as long as he is seeing someone else. He said he wants to be “single.” And that he is trying to break up with me the easiest way possible and leaving me in a good position. He also doesn’t have anywhere to live other than with relatives but doesn’t feel comfortable to do so.
Andrew G. Marshall says
If he wants to pursue the other woman, ask him to leave. If he doesn’t have anywhere else to live, that’s his problem. If he wants to live with her, he will find out very quickly if she’s right for him. (My guess is that she is just a distraction)
Samantha says
Hello Andrew, a couple months have past and we’re still stuck in limbo. Although now I’ve lost my patience and am very anxious especially when he goes to work. I try my best to not to think of the situation but it requires me to shut down. Everything has a taken a toll on me mentally, emotionally, and physically. It is much more draining for me to communicate with him calmly as I am just tapped out and drained. I’m still working part time and looking for full time work. He had confused me a lot of times by not cutting contact and saying he doesn’t want to be married but doesn’t want to divorce or separate. He has said he loves me but not in love with me and I deserve somebody better than him. I’ve become adamant that I won’t accept the current situation and he has left but came back. He said he would block text and cell phone contact as well as applying for new jobs. Unfortunately, I found out he had a couple of job opportunities (even better jobs than his current one) and he has yet to look into them further. He says that I am asking to end it and cut off contact so that I can dominate him. It does seem as if she is not as interested in him anymore and has dated other men at work, I’m also embarrassed of my self and to say that lately I’ve become more irritable and have resorted to shouting and badmouthing the other woman. And afterwards feel horrible and feel out of character. I then feel more and more hopeless as I don’t want to lose myself in this process. There are times that I feel conflicted inside between ending our marriage and fighting for it. I already have set up something to file for divorce this month. Even if I don’t submit the papers I would have everything ready for when I am. When I have discussed it with him he says I don’t have to rush and why don’t I have patience? And to give him more time to think. I just don’t see the point of anymore time, this has been going on for months now. I don’t have anything left to give, I feel like I’m running on empty. He thinks that there will always be a chance in the future and that I can always cancel divorce. I just feel like I have to find a way to escape and divorce seems to keep appearing as my only option.
Andrew G. Marshall says
Why don’t you ask him what he means by dominate him. Ask for examples and although it will be tempting to explain why you’re no dominating him, just listen and ask questions until you understand what he means. Check back that you’ve heard correctly. It might give you an important clue as to his way of thinking and why he believes you have reached this point. However, I can understand why you might just be fed up and want out. That’s fine. That’s understandable. If you’re running on empty, think about what drains you. Are you trying to sort him out? Are you doing things you’d rather say no to? Think about what could fill you up – rather than drain you. What do you like doing but you’ve stopped that might fit this category. Take a holiday for a month from fighting for the marriage and spend the energy on looking after yourself. When you’re less exhausted, you might find other options for going for a divorce or you might discover you have enough strength to push the button.
Legal Wife says
Dear Samantha,
As I am reading your story, it was as if I am seeing myself 2 months ago.
If you are a stay at home Mom, where will you stay and how are you going to take care of your children?
I asked because separating is easy if you are able to stand on your own and have a lot of family support from your side of the family.
If I were you, I will start looking for a part time job or go back to school so that I can be employable.
This will also help you keep your mind off your situation and keep your sanity. Only then can you challenge your husband that you really mean it when you say that you want separate lives.
I know how it feels to be the only bread winner in the family, especially when you are a woman, this is very difficult and against the norm of every culture I know of.
You need to have a plan before exiting from your husband.
When you do, be prepared to wait for 2 years for all this nonsense to end. Either the fantasy will end or the other woman will not be able to keep hiding her real self.
Your husband and the other woman will begin to show their real self, by then your husband will see that the old car is better than the new car that he thought fulfills his fantasy.
Please be financially sound, not just for your kids but for your self.
You need to show your husband that you can live and survive without him, and that means emotionally and financially.
Good luck!
Samantha says
Thank you for your insight Legal wife it’s is very helpful to hear from someone that is experiencing/experienced this!
Mary says
i am in this situation right now. my husband said that he cant leave the OW right away because she is pregnant. the OW abandoned her kid and her husband for my husband. i told my husband that he can opt to choose the OW but i will sue them. he said he sees his future with me and our 2 kids it’s just that the OW is pregnant and wants to manipulate the situation. she even got mad when my husband told her that we slept together. she’s making demands as if she’s the legal wife.
Swazi says
My husband is having an affair, he spends alot of time with her. All weekends he weigh her but comes back home to me and the kids. Every second month he will find a reason to spend the weekend at her house by lying and saying he is going to a friends house. We have alot of fights about his affair but he’s said he loves us both and wants us both.
Andrew G. Marshall says
Instead of talking after a fight, find a time when you’re both calm to talk about how you both feel and how to move forward from here. If he can’t make his mind up, I would explain how long that you can keep going in this limbo place. Put a figure on it but no threats. In the meantime, you need to look after yourself and become stronger so if he can’t make up his mind, you can make up your mind about what you want.
Kavitha says
hi Andrew,
We are married for 11 yrs and have two children 8 and 4 yrs.
I have read your book HCIETYA and feel I am caught in a Tripod affair.
My husband had broken very little truth about his affair with his office colleague of 7 yrs.
He has been in this affair for over 2 yrs and I figure out his affair partner was caught in a bad marriage (she has no children , married for 7 yrs). Now, I believe most of the affair bubble has burst and he told me to sacrifice my marriage so he can make her a part of his life and be happy.
The fact is, she acted in haste and divorced her husband during the first yr of their affair with the intention of only declaring her love for my husband. My husband is party in this and expects her total devotion towards him. He will not accept if she moved on with someone else. He told me he will stand by her even if his affair comes out in open in their office. He says he just cannot betray her — this is irony as he has betrayed me !
He made me promise to own responsibility to keep our family together, before he confessed he has told her he will be there for her for rest of her life.
I know nothing of other side of the coin in their affair and do not agree he is telling me the truth. I do not feel life can get worse than this to a wife.
I am seeking your advise to gather courage and move ahead.
Thank you,
Kavitha
Andrew G. Marshall says
When you husband is too caught up with the other woman, it is better to focus on yourself: keeping strong, keeping calm and communicating better. In the meantime, the OW will be putting pressure on him, her emotions will be all over the place and he will begin to see she’s not quite as ‘perfect’ as he imagines.
Dominique R Owens says
Hi Andrew,
My husband and I have been married 21 years. Approximately 10 years ago I had an affair which wasn’t intimate until husband agreed to such we were seeing a marriage counselor and as in my confusion I tossed out polyamourus or open marriage the therapist guided us that way instead of having me look at what I really wanted. The affair ended and my husband claimed it made us stronger although I was never able to bear him being with someone else during that time. I carried the guilt and remorse and still do. As the affair ended my husband lost his job accused of sexual harrassment. He got a new one in a different state and we uprooted kids and moved. We worked in the same place and were happy but he lost that job again accused of sexual harrassment, he took job in different town coming home on days off while I remained at the company that fired him. I should add that I had been a stay at home mom prior to my affair and once working long hours (6 to 7 days a week 15+ hours a day) I became a bitch about housework which no one would do. During this time I was starting menopause and in retrospect becoming increasingly depressed and withdrawn into online gaming. Husband got job back in hometown and we returned uprooting kids again. I got job again at same place but we worked different shifts and I developed knee problems and constant sinus infections and continued to withdraw. He lost that job 2 years ago and took another in a different town where ar the timeour eldest child attend college and now both older children attend. Husband didn’t want to uproot children from school yet again and our youngest will start high school this fall. The sinus infections became pneumonia and at same time I had to have knee replaced. I got a new job while recovering which pays very little but is a wonderful job. I was still withdrawn from entire family and friends though, started to come out a little but we were so strapped financially and I missed him. Over the winter he had son and I use old wood furnace to avoid buying propane and I attempted to use chantix to stop smoking. Short story long carbon monoxide and the chantix deepened my depression until I was a suicidal basket case. Once we got propane I began to improve and one day snapped out of depression and sent husband a I have been crappy wife past several years that stops now. He came home to tell me he no longer loves me and thought he wanted a divorce but wasn’t anyone else this was early spring. Since then life has been a roller coaster ride I have worked on self and he says he sees and appreciates changes. But I have learned that there is another woman a subordinate 16 years younger than him. He said they hadn’t had sex but had gotten close when her cousin was dying. He said it was on hold while he figured out his confusion. Needless to say such wasn’t the full truth. He now says that they only had sex once and she is currently back with her ex. He told me this after I broke down and looked at his phone texts. He says he understands my confusion over his hot cold treatment as he is confused he doesn’t know if he wants to toss away all our years but fears regretting it if he doesn’t pursue her. That we got through my midlife crisis and now I need to give him the same patience and keep doing what I am doing as he goes through his (He has low testosterone and is clearly in andropause). Our relationship seems better in some ways and not in others, when he is home he tends to focus on me and or kids we do alot more as a family again and have gone on date nights and taken vacation days together and have taken some more to be off work together during our upcoming anniversary. Made thanksgiving day plans with his mother. He has talked about changing schedule to have more home time or getting a new job back here. But he at same time says despite deep feelings for me he fears regretting it if he doesn’t pursue other female. The few texts I saw were her complaining about work and wanting him to fix her schedule. He called her by pet names but she showed no affection in her texts. But was only a brief look.
Am I crazy to be patient and allow him the freedom to work through this like he gave me or should I tell him to make a choice?
Andrew G. Marshall says
I wonder if you can be both crazy and patient? Do you have to chose one? Some days, you will be patient (as he has been with you) and other days, you will feel you’re crazy and it hurts too much. Tell him what hurts, and hopefully he will be patient with you and listen (and be honest, rather than hide things away). Maybe, you will reach the point that you can’t cope any more and ask him to make a choice but it doesn’t sound like today. In the meantime, she could get fed up with his unavailability (because he has other commitments). He might realise that she is not the answer to his problems. If he’s open to finding out more about midlife crisies, get my book ‘Its not a midlife crisis, its an opportunity’
Dominique R Owens says
Would it do me any good to read as he wouldn’t read the book. I have told him what I have read about male menopause but while he sorta acknowledges he may be going through such he is firm that he simply doesn’t know if he will ever feel love for me again. I am unsure if he is confusing early in love infatuation and LOVE . What signs are there for me to look for to determine if marriage is healing or not as despite still cuddling with me and being intimate he states he is trying but isn’t there yet and doesn’t know if he ever will be.
Andrew G. Marshall says
I think there is a symmetry between the two of you. He sort of thinks he might be going through the male menopause but doesn’t want to look deeply into it. You want signs that he might be falling back in love rather than understanding why people fall out of love. Both of you want a quick and easy answer but how you’ve reached this point is deep and complex. If you’d like to understand more. I would recommend ‘I love you but I’m not in love with you’ and ‘My husband doesn’t love me and he’s texting someone else’. Remember, you can’t change him but you can change the way that you respond to him…
Dominique R Owens says
Read My Husband Dosent Love Me & Is Texting Someone Else. Will read the other one next.
Briana Smith says
Hi Andrew, I am in a tough spot and could use some guidance. My husbsnd of six years has been seeing another girl ( i say girl because she is only 22 and he is 40!) Who he met at work. This has been going on for at least a year. Our marriage had been bad for a while. I lost my mother suddenly, changed jobs, and had a baby all in a short span. I was having trouble dealing and resented him for not giving me more support with the baby or anything else. Instead of talking about it i shut him out and neglected my marriage for several years. Most days we barely spoke and when we did it was one word answers usually about our daughter.
Even as bad as things were, i really still trusted him. So i am devastated and mad at myself for not taking better care of my marriage. It has been three months since i found out. He is still living with me but says he is not in love with me and doesnt want to save our marriage. The thing is, over these past few months, i have made an effort to change my behavior and be a better wife. He has responded and we have come pretty far in a short time. We are getting along well, showing some affection again, and he is even starting to sleep in the bedroom with me again. But he still will not commit to letting go of her. I feel like it would be a shame to give up now after so much progress has been made, but also know i cant live like this forever. Any advice you have would be wonderful. Thank you!
Andrew G. Marshall says
If he won’t commit to letting her go, what is his solution? Ask him to lay it out, listen respectfully and ask questions so it is all clear. Don’t get angry or defensive but ask when you understand: how practical it is? If he truly has a plan, how do you feel about it? Give yourself twenty four hours to think about it. If it doesn’t work, explain why and ask him to come up with something different. My guess is that it has been YOU taking all the responsibility for moving this forward and he’s been like a child being pulled along (sulking or saying one thing and doing another). What if you were two adults trying to fix this? You will find more about this in my book ‘Wake Up and Change Your Life’
Tonya Black says
My husband cheated on me after I begged him for a month to tell me if he was. I already knew something was wrong but he just denied it until o caught him going to her house. He told me he wanted to stay with his family and do whatever it took to keep us together. But our 2 year old son died a week later. So now I’m scared and confused and all of this has turned me into a different person. I cry all the time. I think he is always cheating on me and he want touch me or have sex with me as often as he use to. He won’t talk to me and he keeps on telling me to fix myself because he is not the one with the problem. I don’t know how to be happy with my life right now, but I know that I want to pack up the rest of our 4 kids and just leave. But i dont want to take the kids through any more hardships.
And I am not financially stable to do so, and now I just feel trapped and depressed. What should I or what can I do? Please help me.
Andrew G. Marshall says
I am so sorry to hear about your bereavement. Losing a child is incredibly difficult – but to be dealing with this at the same time is unimaginable. You need much more support than I can offer in this post. Look into finding a support for parents who are bereaved. Speak to your minister. Book a session with a therapist. Unfortunately, your husband is too wound up in himself and his affair to be any help.
Casey says
I’m dealing with the indecisiveness, but I’m not sure there is another woman (although my husband is VERY secretive about his social media life). There is ADHD involved, and that means poor impulse control – which is what I think is more likely the reason he can’t decide if he wants to stay married or not. He is a musician and is going through a time where he wants to make this his first priority in life.
He moved out a while back and we are in therapy. He spends time with us (we have two young children) and acts like he is so happy to be around us. He talks plans for the future with us, as if he is going to be moving back home soon. But, then he leaves and treats me like I’m the last person in the world he wants to see or speak to. He tells our therapist that he doesn’t know if he wants to be married, and that he doesn’t miss me and he may not have ever loved me. But, then a couple of days later he’s spending days at our home, acting and talking very loving. I try to gently get him to commit to one way or the other, and he gets very mad at me and tells me I’m pressuring him. Yet, our kids are suffering immensely from this. They do not feel like he really loves them and they are upset that he doesn’t want to come home. When I talk to him about this, he gets very mean and tells me I’m lying and manipulating him.
It is crushing, going through this. I often wish the rational part of my brain would take over and kick him to the curb. I feel like this is doing damage to my own self worth, to be with someone who just can’t decide if he wants to be all in with his family, or be all in with his self and live the bachelor musician life. I don’t prevent him from pursuing music, I encourage him, but I think the very fact that he has to consider me and the kids at all is an inconvenience to him.
Andrew G. Marshall says
It sounds like a classic case of Affair Brain (where he is just trotting out his justifications but not looking deeper into how he got into this dark place). I explain more about this and offer long term support and infidelity survival training in my new group. https://andrewgmarshall.com/andrew-g-marshalls-infidelity-survival-training-and-support-group-launch/
Mansi Samani says
Hello Andrew,
I am so glad I searched for some thing that can help and I found your webpage. Like several people mentioned I am struggling too with my marriage.
I am in an arranged marriage since 8 years. I used to live in India and my husband lives in the UK. We both share common language, caste, culture. Me and my husband didnt meet up before, our parents met each other, then we met and we both agreed to commit to a marriage. On first day we met he had confessed he had a relationship which was intense and he proposed for marriage but girl’s parents denied and then they both left it there and moved on. Girl got married to someone else and he started focusing on his work. After our 3 months of engagement and daily calls, we applied for my visa. For some finance statement issue it got rejected. My husband was upset and soon after 10 days came to my home and said we would apply again, it was successful and he said we marry now and I will take you with me. I had resigned my job, packed all my bags in two days and relocated to the UK. My husband was very loving and caring since begninng. He was very over protective and so was I. I used to stay in joint family and my husband had a very negative side from his family which i did not know till 2 years of our marriage. Hence we had several fights as i would insist to communicate with his parents, his sister and stay connected. He never told me the reason, but said i like to be lonely. I dont bother to call regularly. Then when i realised the reason for his disconnection with his family I started to give up trying and mending their family relations. He started his MBA and was willing to finish his MBA then have kids. I agreed to that. Got a job for my self soon as I came to the UK. Hence started to focus on job and settling in our home. We went to several trips on holidays had few family get together and all was good. He is too possessive about cleanliness and with all electricals, furtinuture, clothes everything. I used to maintain as much as I can but there were always something being missed. Started learning to drive. He is fond of cars a lot, he changed 11 cars in last 8 years. Last to Last year invited his parents to the UK. In those 6 months on their trip he found a job and we planned to relocate to another city. Last year we relocated to new home. 6 – 8 months spend in renovation of our new home. My company offered me work from home so I was happy with that as I could be home while there were people working at our home. We were planning to have kids as we delayed first due to his MBA then the relocation. Last year around December – he said his ex – has broken up due to her husband in America has found another girl. She has come back to India with two kids. And he wants to help her getting sorted with her child custody. her ex asked him to ask me if I was okay with them being in communication again. As i trust my husband a lot, I didnt think of it one second and said to him you need not ask me. She is in need and you should help her. I did ask him why is she not taking divorce off her husband who use to physically abuse her. She had replied to him because if she files a divorce then she has to find another guy due to family reputation and her kids. It was strange for me but I didnt oppose. They continued to talk several times a week for half an hour to an hour. We planned a trip to india in March due to my husbands health not well and had a heart operation. My husband said, his friend is a dentist and have setup a clinic right near her home where she stays with her parents and her sis-in-law. Her brother is no more and father is bed ridden. While we were going to India he said he would visit to his friend as she needs to look for other locations for developing her clinic but at the same time cannot move her current setup. I did question but didnt pay attention. I said thats fine you can go there and I can see my parents. so we both went in different direction one in south and one in north. He had planned to stay for 4 days instead extended to 7 days. Booked a flat in an ongoing development near her home. He did share the photos to me and asked me before he went ahead with the flat as we had planned to come back to India in next 5 years. Then we both met up to his parents home and came back to UK. after coming back from India in three days my husband said he has got feelings for his ex and see her everywhere. He had conveyed the same to his friend and she was also crying and confessed the same to him. I was shattered but still said if you both still love each other i will move aside. Then when i realized its not love if it was love they both would have fought for it and didnt move on in their individual lives. I tried to explain to my husband – also asked him to ask his friend – if she is actually so deeply in love ask her as you are paying price of me my future my marriage my dream of having kids my family reputation after 8 years would she come to UK – leaving her parents her clinic relocate with kids to the UK – and if answer to all this is yes then I would leave you straight away – I had hope he would focus on ‘I would leave’ and not ask at all but he asked and she said yes to all. Since then its been 8 months back and forth he started making distances with me, remaining silent in the big house, Once in two or three weeks I would ask what have you decided about our relation ship – I dont know, I cant forget her, I dont know when your husband would be back, I dont know even if he would be back. I used to cry once so much and got really mad. He feared of my reactions and brought me to my brothers place to calm down. One week he came to pick me and said I need time you can come with me if you want I cannot leave the feelings straight away. I went back with him. Silent days again kept communicating with his friend in front of me. I put a stand if you want to continue in this marriage you need to stop this communication else I am leaving now and when you get feeling let me know as I can give you time to come out of your zone wait for my husband to be back. When I get my husband back you would get your friend back. But until then I cannot stay with this constant random talks between both of you even if its related with any random topic. I gave him two weeks to decide after that i was going to tell to all the family and leave until he wanted to be in this relationship. I went to my brothers place. 1 month on and off talks family put pressure on him and after a month he came to pick me up and said ok I will stop communication and focus on marriage. Two days he was very nice then again silent days fewer communication. Went on office trip Indiafor 2 weeks then 3 days. Then on our wedding anniversary day I planned to make a card atleast with a hope that he would understand I am still missing him and I need him to come back home. He cried seeing the card and said I am not able to forget her and dont know what I can do for you. I said its fine I dont need anything I am ready to wait for you to be back home. Next day he called my parents and said we might need to get separated as he was not able to keep me happy. I was crying again. Then we went to see one of our common friends and they suggested my husband to calm down look at the reality and realize the same person whom he used to love is not the same person after 11 years she has kids who would be her priority. Then he confessed the answer to the questions i asked that she would be ready to relocate for uniting with him was no but he lied to all of us. She wants my husband to leave his job, his house in UK and come to India and settle with her family. His friends asked him to first get out of confusion give some time to himself get strong and look at all the real facts. Until then give a hug to your present wife as she needs it too some half an hour for communication any random thing but communicate. Friday he went to my brother and said he wants to separate as this is not working and cannot see me crying . I was unaware of there meet. Came home in good mood we communicated and hugged. I was happy and energetic that till now i was only trying and now he would try to. Sat wen for a dinner had a good time. Sunday he brought me to my brothers place and again we need to part our ways as whether i go to other lady or not its good we separate as i am unable to see you sad. I was shocked and had no idea what to say and was screaming shouting pleading begging my brother my parents to him please dont ask me to go we would win. your friend is back not to unite you but to make our relationship strong as your friends said on thursday. I am not saying anything you please dont ask me to leave. my parents said enough is enough and you need to pack your bags and come back home as your husband is not wanting to stay with you. went back home and collected my stuff and back again to my brothers home. this time I am very lost as it was really difficult to pack my bags with so much of ups and downs and with such high hopes to put 200% of my effort and not got even some time to fix it with his support. I decided to come back to India to my parents for a break as they were very upset too and I cannot keep going to my brothers place. 3 weeks later and I am in India. Booked my tickets for 3 months and then see what would happen later. In 3 weeks time 2 weeks he didnt communicate at all last week he and his parents communicated that why you going to India it will spread more and grow more. Husband started saying he is missing me a lot and can see me everywhere at home. got sick and didnt went to work. Last day again fought with my brother and insisted if i go it would spread more and my brother said – its a simple question – you want to stay in marriage or not – i dont know. I am India now since a week – no communication from my husband his family nobody. I am stuck at the moment as i keep missing him and worry about my future my family reputation. Cannot imagine my life without him. I really want him back in my life we have been to several trips – london, scotland, wales, america, india and we had a planned a long list still – we had planned to have kids i had imagined the names too also planned their education and lot more… I just want to forget all this as a bad dream but dont know how can i stop him going far from him. my parents have asked me to start forgetting the past good and bad and plan the future and come out of trauma as i have been crying since 8 months to find what have i done wrong why has he switched so suddenly he got feelings for his ex i can understand still but what about the feeling he shared with me what happen why has 8 years become zero… I really dont know what he wants and will he come back but my parents advise me to accept the reality as he has cheated all of us for 8 years being so nice and now since 8 months so careless, insensitive and shameless
I am on a break at the moment as i was not able to handle any of the situation as all my strength hope got shattered in just a moment when i was ready to fight for saving the marriage and now finally he was putting effort too… I am feel so uncomfortable with my own parents as i used to rely on him for going out anywhere, spend any money, talk with any relatives – 8 years whole world was not existing apart from my work, my parents and him and his family. And now i feel completely lost. Please guide me in the right direction
Andrew G. Marshall says
I think a break sounds a good idea. Take your time to make a decision, listen to your family and what they have to say. Listen to your husband and what he has to say. Read the literature about infidelity so you understand more what is going in his mind. Speak to your friends. But ultimately, you have to listen to yourself. It is easier to do that when you are calmer (and that’s easier when you’re on a break). Good luck.
Teresa Pritchett says
Eight weeks ago, my husband of 33 yrs. told me that he had been having an affair for the last eleven months and that he was leaving me. Understand that our relationship has been, in general, a joyful one. He agrees on this point and tells me that I am not at fault. We are performance artists, intellectuals, and teachers. Until now, he has treated me with honesty, respect, and love. We have grown children and young grandchildren. I was shocked and heartbroken and pleaded with him to give us another chance. He agreed to try and has stopped all communication with his lover. The problem is, he says that he doesn’t want to end it and loves her but says he loves me too. He is conflicted and says he is unable to do anything. We are currently living together, sleeping together, talking a lot, journaling, and functioning one day at a time. My question is this, how long should I give him to be undecided? We are living in an unsettled world in which our future is prefaced with “if you stay.” He says that until he knows what he wants, it would be pointless to go to a counselor. I’ve been trying to get involved with other people & groups to distract myself and be less needy of his friendship, but it feels forced and doesn’t fill the void in my heart. Is there anything that he or I can do to move beyond this?
Andrew G. Marshall says
I think you can both understand how you got to this place. For him, I would read ‘It’s not a midlife crisis, it’s an opportunity: how to be 40 or 50 something without going off the rails’ (If you are slightly older, it could have been that some important questions have been ducked and are only surfacing later). In other words, how much is this a marriage crisis and how much an existential crisis (about what gives his life meaning). You could read this book too, but I would like you to look at ‘My husband doesn’t love me and he’s texting someone else.’ It is not about apportioning blame but I wonder if he has been a people pleaser (keeping everyone happy and hoping that will make him happy). So the marriage seemed joyful on the surface… but only because he swallowed a lot of stuff and now he’s snapped. He believes the solution is to go with this other woman because ‘she understands’ him and will miraculously give him what he needs (but without changing, he will just end up pleasing someone els0e). Perhaps he needs to discover for himself that she’s not made of cream cheese. The book explains ‘Radical Acceptance.’ If this all seems really hard…. because it is…. you might like the support of my Infidelity Survival Training and Support Group.
Teresa Pritchett says
Thank you for such an astute reply and advise. I will definitely read the book and consider the support group. You are dead on about the existential crisis. He is 56 and has been a people pleaser. He has told me that he has been stomping down a wild (Iron John) restlessness for years. He talked to me about it once years ago, and I told him to go somewhere for a while to find himself, but he didn’t do it. I’ve recently offered up the same suggestion, but with the stipulation that he not include his lover in his quest. What advise and/or reading material, would you give him to help him on his journey?
Andrew G. Marshall says
I talk about Iron John in my book ‘it’s not a midlife crisis, it’s an opportunity’ and I think he would find that helpful (you might like to read it too). I would also recommend My distant dad by Jed Diamond (which is an autobiography which looks at these issues through his relationship with his father) and Under Saturn’s Shadow: The Wounding and Healing of Men by James Hollis. If you like at my goodreads feed you will find reviews of both
Teresa Pritchett says
Thanks you for your suggestions. I’ve read My Husband Doesn’t Love Me. . . and I’m midway through It’s Not a Midlife Crisis. . . Your books have been an immense help for me as I navigate and negotiate with my husband. But, I think on a deeper level they have set me on an important journey to become more in touch with who I am so that I can better handle what comes next in our relationship crisis. I had hoped after the last 12 weeks of reasoned communication, times of playful interactions, sex, and painful honesty that we would be in a different place. But two days ago I asked him to leave temporarily. This came after he told me that he had spent the weekend taking a three-day trip with his lover. Of course, he had deceived me into thinking that he had a busy work weekend ahead of him earlier in the week. He said he needed to find out how she was doing, (she is in the middle of a divorce & has young children) and if she still was in love with him. He told me that his desire for her had only increased during the time away from her. I now realize that even though his physical affair had ended, emotionally it had not. I’ve been perhaps too understanding and merely provided him with a comfortable place for him to hide from facing hard decisions. He told me that he has to want it before he can proceed with us and that he feels frozen. His recent actions have forced me to be more assertive; I gave him your book and encouraged him to read it during this week. I’m not sure what our next interaction will produce, but my last hope is that this separation will help him to begin engaging his thoughts instead of only emotions. On a slightly different note, we have grown children, one who is getting married this summer. They know about our difficulties, too much from me; I wish I had read your book before talking to them. This has made them worry about their own future happiness with their partners. Is there reading material I could suggest for them?
Andrew G. Marshall says
I have a book coming out in the spring which is called ‘The Happy Couple’s Handbook’ which is designed for people about to get married (and for everybody else who wished they had been given the tools for a successful relationship). You might also like to look at my support group for yourself. It will help you survive through the difficult weeks and months ahead.
Diana says
I found out almost 2 years ago my husband had been having an affair with a work colleague for around a year. He’d left a couple of times before he confessed but always denied there was anyone else. I think I heard all the typical lines and excuses as to why it happened. We never had a bad marriage before this happened. We had two young children at the time it started and also doing a lot of work to our house to make it a home so I admit on both parts a lack of communication, affection and attention to each other occurred. My marriage and family means everything to me and being together 17 years (married for 8), meant I was prepared to do everything to save our marriage. It was too much to throw away. However, my husband has gone back and forth between me and the other woman for 2 and a half years. We’ve stupidly both allowed it to happen and at times I’ve made the her an issue when I know I shouldn’t.
Every time he wants another chance, we sit and talk things over. We’re more honest with each other now than we’ve probably ever been. I don’t like hearing some of the things he says but I sit and listen patiently and calmly. He then ‘tries’ for a week then decides he can’t do it and goes running straight back to the other woman. I then leave him to it, I don’t beg or plead with him to come back but instead focus my attentions on myself and my children.
He has said from day 1 he feels depressed, anxious, might be bi polar, a Narcissist etc (all things he’s said) but he won’t get help. Instead he tries to deal with things on his own but keeps going round in these circles and bouncing from me to her.
I want to help him but I know he can only do that himself but he admits he doesn’t like being on his own but when he’s with her he’s a completely different person. He says he doesn’t want to lose our ‘friendship’ but when he’s with her he’s so cold to me, he’s not the person I know and love. I just wish he would really take the time to actually be on his own and with out what it is he wants and resolve his personal issues. I know we could be happy again if he gives us the chance but he changes his mind every other week. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve laid my cards on the table and taken a step back but I feel like I’m living in limbo waiting for him to realise our marriage is worth saving. Every time he’s come back to work on things he says he’s always loved me and still in love with me so why is that not enough to give it more than a week or two of trying? I believe he means the things he says when he says it and I’ve said to him that doesn’t change or go away over night or in a week so I don’t know what’s going on in his head. I feel totally lost and helpless.
Andrew G. Marshall says
Congratulations on your patience. It sounds like you have made a real attempt to understand him. (While he does not seem to have made much effort to understand himself). I wonder about boundaries. (Have a look in my book ‘Wake Up and Change Your Life). The aim is to have them not so high that you are unapproachable but not so low he can walk in and take what he likes. You might also like to join my support group as there are many women in the group who will understand and support and I arrange many events that I think you will find helpful.
I think it will help you feel a little less lost and remember you are not helpless. You have choices (just that none of them are very palatable).
Diana says
Thank you so much for your reply. I will definitely look at the book.
I do find myself getting frustrated when he tells me things like he can’t work on our marriage due to the Shame and guilt he feels for ruining things and needs to work on that first, yet he’s with the other woman again so why does that shame and guilt not work both ways? I feel I need to talk this through with him to try and understand but truth is I don’t think he understands it himself. I feel like we still have so much talking to do but while he’s with the other woman how do I do that without seeming like I’m pleading or begging him
Sara says
This is so so relevant to my situation.
But addition to this in my case , My husband has also started abusing me , I was shocked with his behaviour when he visited us last year.
Anyways now after suffering in this hell for 7 years I have decided to quit! And concentrate on my two little girls, My career, my supportive friends and family who stood by me in such odd times.
I feel relieved that I am able to take a firm decision but still I have a regret of loosing my 13 years of relationship to my husband’s endless roving behaviour ever since our first kid was born.
One thing I must say that he has never left us penny less or has not withdrawn from providing us financially,.but certainly he is not emotionally available.
I sometimes feel, how can I just help him to get over this woman who destroyed our family but the truth is what can I Do? If he isn’t ready to understand the repercussion of such behaviours on our two kids then all my efforts gets waste!
I hope the day with come and he realises.
I pray for his good health as I am always worried about him, and pray that he meets good people of God who would speak of a values of a family life.
Foshini says
The thing is that when a man cheat is not a mistake ,he wish his wife was a different person and character .That becomes very tempting for him to cheat .when he start it he won’t stop even if he broke up with the person that was in picture ,he will start a different mistress all the time.and then is up to the wife if she love him with all that troubles.
Jimmie Martin says
How will my husbands love me for grow if he is only seeing his mistress while trying to decide where he wants to be?
Andrew G. Marshall says
It won’t. He is deep in his affair and he can’t see straight and he will be all over the place – so won’t have any true idea how he feels.
Suzali says
Hi, my husband has left me for his mistress 4 weeks ago, i havent seen him or spoken to him since he left. We have 3 children. He has been cheating for 3 years . 6months with her n then few with me. Then he goes back to her. He cnt decide who he wants. She has asked him to commit to her by divorcing me and marrying her . He doesnt exactly want to marry her an says to me that he has some love for me in his heart.
I dnt know what to do to bring my husband home. I love him very much and i know for a fact he cares for me . I cnt say whether he loves me or not. He left 4 weeks ago saying he needs space to figure things out. He has moved in with her . I have not contacted him at all. No msgs or emails or phone calls. No begging or crying . Nothing at all ( past 3 years i have done all this)
Ive given him complete silence from my end. It was his birthday last week. I didnt wish him. Neither did the kids . He took her to italy n celebrated his birthday there with her . I said nothing at all. Then 3 days later it was mine. He didnt wish me n I expected that much.
He spoke to his sister who told me he isnt exactly happy with his new life. He left me saying he is looking for happiness. Everyone who knows us they say he is blind as his happiness is at home with me and kids but he cnt see it . Its like the other woman has brainwashed him. He says she is his soul mate and he cnt imagine his life without her . An they are compatible and have so much in common.
We have been married for 14 together for 21 yrs . He has known her for 3 years n now she is his soulmate ?
How do i bring my husband home ? How do i make him see sense , i am afraid that she wil continue to fill his head with hate for me an convince him to divorce me.
If she says milk is black he wil say same. He was a loving and caring husband and father. Now he has cut ties with me, kids, his parents, his siblings . He doesnt listen to anyone at all . He left everyone to be with her . N now i dnt think he is entirely too happy with her but also wnt leave her and come home . What do i do in this situation? We drifted apart coz i had brain tumour which i did not know about for 10 years . I found out when i got really ill . Coz of the tumour i was irritated all the time. When ever he came close to me i pushed him
Away as i was feeling miserable and wanted to be left alone. I didnt realise this is hurting him so much and how lonely he felt. Then he met her and saw an opportunity and grabbed on. Now he wnt let go. As he has lived with her . A carefree life .
All fun and holidays and outgoing no kids no responsibility , he likes this new life and she msged me saying that now that he has seen and had all this he will never settle for his old life and he wil never get over her . I didnt reply to her .
I dnt know what more to do. I love my husband very much and he cnt see the pain he is causing me and our children. He loved them so much n now he has gone 4 weeks without seeing or talking to them.
What is wrong with him? Why is he doing thiss? And how can i help him to wake up n get out of his fantasy land before its too late. I feel i am
Drifting away slowly.
Andrew G. Marshall says
My heart goes out to you. How terrible to discover a brain tumour. I hope it is better. And then to discover that your husband has been having an affair! Terrible. Let’s go over the questions you pose at the end of your letter.
What is wrong with him? To understand this one, you need to go right back to basics. I bet everybody loves your husband. As well as being a great father and husband, I bet he is a great son and brother. He wants to make everybody happy. However, he has never stopped to think what he wants…. he is too busy pleasing everybody else. Effectively, deep down inside, they say: if I make everybody else happy they will make me happy. (Sadly, this strategy doesn’t work because nobody can read his mind – and guess what he does want – everybody thinks he is happy so don’t question it) One day, these men wake up and discover they are not happy – they have spent forty odd years making everybody else happy but they are miserable. If they were sensible, they would speak up and instead of going along with the programme laid down by others speak up (and it could be changed). Sadly, these men hate conflict. They have been trained by their mother’s to please. They don’t know how to ask for what they want, to say no to what they don’t and negotiate. So things go from bad to worse…. He doesn’t say ‘why are you biting my head off’ or ‘I can’t live without sex’ or ‘I’m lonely’. Next thrown in the fact, men don’t have friends to talk over their problems. Finally, along comes a woman (whose life is in a dark place too) who will listen and hey presto they are soul mates and the answer to his prayers. (Don’t worry as he is beginning to find out, this is an illusion. His life is worse rather than better. He has yet another person to please and everyone else is ANGRY with him.. and he STILL hasn’t addressed the original problem).
What can wake him up? Nothing. It’s not your job. And if you told him, he would not believe you. So what can you do? Don’t listen to the voice in your head or what he is saying: YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME. Discover why men are so prone to affairs by reading my book ‘My husband doesn’t love me and he’s texting someone else’ It will explain about limerence. He doesn’t love her, he loves the way she make him feel (and actually it is not her, it’s limerence) Discover why middle aged men are particularly likely to smash up their lives. My book on this topic is called ‘It’s not a midlife crisis it’s an affair.
You might need support and help on an ongoing basis, so look into my on-line premium support groupAndrew G. Marshall’s Infidelity Survival Training and Support Group
Someela Ali says
Omg u mentioned things which i didnt even mention in my 1st post. Yes he did try to please everyone. And yes he didnt have any friends, still doesnt , he never went out , he always did everything his mother told him, His family is upset with him but his parents told me they cnt cut him out of their lives coz at the end of the day he is still their son . And I completely understand this. He never spoke to me about how he is feeling. Then she came along and he thinks she is everything. I had surgery for my tumour, they removed it without any complications and i am a lot better health wise. He hasnt had any contact with me or our kids , but in past 4 weeks he has contacted his parents and has been to see them a few times. He has always said i dnt leave him alone or give him space to figure out what he wants. But at the same time he prefers me crying n begging n pleading him to return. This is 1st time since i discovered the affair that i have stuck by my words. I told him i wnt chase him and i wil heal and move on with my life without him. I dnt think he believed me as i have said this many times but did the complete opposite.
At times i feel he is trying to mend his relationship with his family so they would slowly accept the other woman . Im trying to stay strong but i dnt think i can hold on much longer . He told his sister to inform me that he wil come round to see the kids next weekend. ( pick them up from outside my house, take them out for the day and drop them off in the evening ) . When he left he said to me ‘ win me over ‘ i am still trying to understand how ? He cheated , he left , he lives with his mistress then how can i win him over when i have no contact with him ? What did i do that was so terrible that i am being punished like this ? Why do i have to win him over ? Having a tumour and twins was very difficult for me. I understand i didnt give him the attention he was craving for but why didnt he understand what i am going through? I was halfway in my grave while giving birth to the twins. God and doctors saved me .
Ive pretty much done everything to please him so he has no excuse to go back to her but he still did. This time he said he wants to marry her and have kids . Start a new family . But wnt take the step for divorce. I should have mentioned earlier that i am a muslim woman, my husband also muslim. The woman he is living with a christian (Romanian) . In a muslim marriage once a husband divorces his wife he can not come back to her . Cannot remarry her . He understands this pretty well hence the delay in divorce. If he is indeed in limerence when will he come out of it ? Before its too late. Once divorce is done then there is no coming back. Is there anything at all i can do to stop him from divorcing me and bring him home.
Andrew G. Marshall says
You don’t have to ‘win him over’. And any way, there is no point trying. He is in full on Affair Brain. If you want to understand about this and get on-going support you could consider joining my infidelity support group.Infidelity Support Group Plus Ideas to Help Your Recovery
Dian says
Hi Andrew,
Both my husband and I have always been thankful to have found each other. We loved each other and cared for each other so much that everyone we knew were inspired by our relationship. Even after 13 years old marriage we treated each other with much love and care, and we were best friends and confidants for life.
I cannot explain the hurt I felt after I found out that he was with someone for 12 months who is 20 years younger than him. He told me he never ever thought about doing such a thing in his life- and I know he is not lying-he still loves me very much and he doesn’t know why he did it. We had some tough times prior to that ( deaths in the family) but we always supported and loved each other to go through those hard times.
He left home to go to vacations with her, but he would write to me non stop and call me while he was on those trips
(as if to prove me that he was alone, which wasn’t the truth) he didn’t spend much time at home and I knew our relationship had to end. Then, after a few months he changed almost 180 degrees, he started spending more time with me and in the house more than ever, and he told me he finally remembered how much fun he has with me and how good our relationship etc. He tells me he started seeing things more clearly now but he is afraid to break up the other thing. But he also knows that I will not continue like this. I treat him nicely but we stay in seperate rooms, I look strong, I try to enjoy my life but I was hurt deeply.
I want to just move away and leave him but I can see that he is slowly changing. If there is an opportunity for us to work this out I don’t want to miss it by leaving as I still love him. He tells me he cannot think of a life without me and I see that he is confused and scared as well. What should I do?
Andrew G. Marshall says
Thank you for your question. It would really help if your husband read my book ‘Why did I cheat’ so he understands why he started acting so out of character and how his life tipped into crisis. It also explains how to rebuild your life. The book I would recommend for you is ‘How can I ever trust you again’ which offers for the support for the partner who has discovered the affair. My central piece of advice would be to take it one day at a time and not to panic (and make a decision that feels right today – either taking him back or leaving – but is not based on any firm foundations). Good luck