A Reader Writes…
My husband just told me last week that he has been having an affair with a coworker for 18 months, and he loves her very much. He said he still loves me, but more like a friend. We have a 4-year-old son, and he is my husbands world and I know that is the reason he has been hesitant to end our marriage. I still love him and have offered to work on our marriage 100%, and learn to forgive and trust him again.
He says he needs to think about his decision because it is the biggest one he has ever had to make. He has agreed to go to a marriage counselor and he hasn’t moved out, but the problem is he still has contact with her. They work in a small office together, and they still text each other dozens of times a day before and after work. Is it even possible for us to find our way if he keeps in contact with her?
Is it asking too much for him to only see her in a professional manner and cut off all ties after hours? If he refuses, I will be devasted. He keeps saying that we will give it until after the holidays to see how things are going. But is seven weeks really long enough to start rebuilding our marriage? Is he just saying this because he wants to be with his son through Christmas, then leave? What should I do?
Andrew Replies…
Not only has your husband got to make a big decision, you’ve got to think through your next steps very carefully. Strangely enough, I think the next few weeks – rather than what happened previously – is going to be the real danger point. Why should that be? I see lots of couples where the main sticking points are not that the husband (and it’s usually the husband) was unfaithful but the damage done in the shuttle period (between properly ending the relationship with the other woman and recommitting to the marriage).
So please buy ‘How can I ever trust you again?’ so you can understand why affairs happen and how to recover. (I would also like you to get ‘Make Love Like a Prairie Vole: Six Steps to passionate, plentiful and monogamous sex’ as I bet the fall out of a small child on your sex life needs to be looked at too).
So I’ll explain what I think will happen….. and then I’ll tell you what I’m afraid will happen. OK. His affair. 90% of affairs collapse after the couple has been found out. When there are young children involved, I would say its probably 100%.
Affairs happen in a bubble away from the real world and after they are discovered – and the air of secrecy and forbidden lust is let out – they are as flat and as uninteresting as a balloon two days after a party. (And they smell as bad!) So I think he will realise his mistake and come back with his tail between his legs.
However, and now we’re onto my fears, he cannot come to his senses if he’s getting ‘I love you more than life itself’ emails and ‘I want to jump your bones’ texts. Modern technology allows affair partners to stick their head round the door, sneak upstairs and tango with our beloved. We wouldn’t have them physically in the house so don’t let them in electronically. (However, if he does switch off his feelings – and not them be stoked by facebook stalking and email’s to see ‘how you’re doing’, he will slowly start thinking about her less.) Then we have work, he will have to come up with a good plan to cut contact down to the absolute minimum and report when he is likely to have to be with her – ie: for a sales conference and you would need to talk for a long-time on how to cope with these occasions.
Now we come to the real problem. He is unlikely to be able to cut all proper ties at the moment. You are terrified of letting him go – because you fear that will be the end of your marriage. So there will be a nasty middle way. He will sneak off to email or meet up with her – and you will find out, because modern technology is kind / cruel and gives us all this information – and it will be like a stab in the back. He might even be sleeping with both of you at the same time (and although you crave that reassurance, it will make you feel dirty afterwards). He will promise things that he can’t deliver and you will be hurt yet again asnd again. Hopefully, you will begin to see how a couple might be able to recover from an affair but yo-yo land and inbetween misery can do some really lasting damage.
So I think you need to decide what is acceptable and what is not acceptable contact, show him my letter and my book. Discuss what he can and can’t do. Please, please don’t beg (as this will encourage him to make promises he can’t keep as he’ll hate to see you cry). Decide together if he can close the door on the affair partner – and mean it. If not, and also if he has any doubts, let him go – hopefully to his parents house or a friends place…. but if he must go to HER, so be it. Probably it will be better for her to have his unhappiness, torn between two lover angst. Let him return to you when he’s free of this madness (and that’s when the real work starts but strangely enough it is much easier than what you’re going through now).
Be wise. Read up. Think long and hard.
fiona says
Hi Andrew,
My husband said he wants to keep marriage but seems he is still contacting the other woman. Seems he wants to keep marriage as well as the affair. I feel like he doesn’t want to discuss about the problems in our marriage – although he says he want to keep it. We also have 7years old daughter. I don’t want my daughter to have a broken family. I am very confused and don’t know what to do. Yeah .. he is my everything. As I have no one to discuss, could you please help/advice me how should I deal about that?
Andrew G. Marshall says
The problem with having an affair is not just the lies that you tell your partner but the lies you tell yourself too. The biggest one is that you can separate your life into two water tight boxes. When the bubble of an affair bursts most people get a reality check. Unfortunately, a substantial number – like your husband – lie to themselves and say ‘I can be married’ and ‘I can text someone another woman’ and ‘we’re no longer having sex and we can be just friends’. Obviously, it only takes a second to realise that this is one big fat LIE but if you’ve been lying to yourself round the clock – it is hard to see it. Worse still, he has an incentive to lie: he doesn’t have to face the enormity of the pain he’s caused you, himself, your daughter (if you split up) and the other woman (although I doubt you’ll have much pity for her). So what should you do? Firstly, just because he is having trouble coming to his senses does not mean he has chosen her. Secondly, it is better to talk about this calmly. I know this is hard because it is enough to drive anybody crazy but if you shout at him he will retreat into himself and then try and feel better by getting a bit of sympathy from the other woman. However, if you’re calm, he will be calm too and you can talk sensibly about the options – without throwing threats about. I have lots of advice in my book ‘My husband doesn’t love me and he’s texting someone else’. All is not lost.
Shannon Hampton says
Hi Andrew,
I have a question my husband says he loves me and he says he also loves his mistress too. He said he wants his family but he can’t decide whom he wants to be with and he says I pressure him and rush him into making decisions. I hate to be wrapped up in this lifestyle but I am lost on what to do anymore. I pray every night for god to salvage my marriage and for the other woman to go away. He lies all the time about where he is and it’s usually with her. I’m so hurt right now and unsure of myself. I am going to counseling for me because I have lost all my self esteem through this situation. I dont know what else to do anymore I am hurting so much inside right now. Please help me
Andrew G. Marshall says
I am concerned about the lying because if he can’t be truthful with you (and I doubt he will be truthful with his mistress), he will be lying to himself – by which I mean minimising, compartmentialising and not facing up to the depth of the pain the situation is causing everyone. No wonder you are hurting so much, explain to him what the lies are doing and if he can’t be honest what is the point of him staying in the house? Other questions to ask: how much longer does he need to make his mind up? How does he plan to achieve that goal? How are you going to cope in the meantime? Ultimately, if it is hurting so much – a question to you – can you continue to cope? For how much longer? Can you tell him about all of this?
Ann says
Hi Andrew,
My husband just told me he has been having an affair. He said he’s here but not here. I mentioned marriage counseling but he said he doesn’t think it will work. We have 3 children. He said he needs space and he’s continuing his affair. I told him I’m not giving up. Do I just let him have his space? He said him and his affair want the same things. We have been married almost 10 years. What do I do?
Andrew G. Marshall says
So your husband needs space. I am afraid that is a phrase which trips lightly off the tongue of someone having an affair and it sounds reasonable. When someone is NOT having an affair, ‘I need space’ means I need some time of reflection to get my head together and decide what to next. As I say, it is reasonable request. In fact, it could be something that you might ask for after a horrible shock like discovering your husband’s affair. But with someone who is having an affair, it means ‘I want to continue as I have done before, seeing my affair partner (even though it will hurt you a lot) in the hope I will have a flash of realisation about what I want. Because at the moment, I can’t decide what to do.’ Your husband is not planning to reflect or go into therapy. He is going to close his eyes and plough on regardless. So what do you do? I would read my new book ‘Why did I cheat’ How to help yourself (and your partner) recover from your affair. It will help you get an insight into what is going on in his head. Next, you don’t have to give up (because he has at the moment). But you do have decide what YOU are going to do next. If you want to fight for your marriage, you will need support. I suggest joining an infidelity support group. If you find my writing helpful, I suggest you try mine.
It is perfectly possible that your husband will decide to ‘go’ to the other woman. It seems the end of the world but most husbands realise that being with the OW is not the solution. It is harder for their wives to recover but the possibility of a ‘wonderful’ new life together with the OW is no longer hanging over the recovery.