A Reader Writes…
I have a huge problem and wondered if you could give me some advice. My husband of 16 years just left me 6 weeks ago.
I’m sure he is going through some kind of crisis because he has become someone I don’t recognize any more. HE has said that he has been unhappy for over a year. We moved to a new city and built our dream home. When he tried to get his Reno business going over here it didn’t really take off so he became troubled. He has a job now that he doesn’t really like, but he knows that he cant quit.
His mother died a year ago and so many other things too many to mentioned bothered him as well.I thought our marriage was pretty good but he says that we are not compatible any more. He bought a sail boat over a year ago and ever since then I can see the change in him.
He asked me to sell the house and go sail across the ocean to somewhere hot. We have an adult child living at home that still needs tending to .He has some issues and he’s not ready to live by himself.
My husband doesn’t get along with my son and hasn’t been very kind to him. Which has made it hard on me because I always felt that I have to pick sides. My son is from my first marriage. My husband has been married twice before and he left them as well.
He had a lot of pain growing up as a child with an emotionally abusive father. He just told me he’s unhappy. He really doesn’t like himself and keeps running away. I just wish I could reach him in some way. He says he’s attracted to me and he cares for me but that’s it.
I wish he could see what he is doing and try and figure his emotional well-being out.
Andrew Replies…
I wish your husband could see what he’s doing. I wish the polar caps weren’t melting. I wish that chocolate wouldn’t make us fat.
It’s easy to wish but it’s much better to face what’s going on. So let’s roll up our sleeves: Your husband does not know how to deal with his unhappiness – at best he comes up with a magic solution (running away to sea). Like a lot of men, he outsources his emotion life to women and expects for them to come up with something better. He’s tried two women before you and my fear is he is probably lining up number four as I type.
I know you’ll just want to throw your hands up in despair but I believe you’re made of sterner stuff. You need to look at what the REAL problem is in your marriage, explain how it could be different, go into counselling together (where hopefully the therapist can also deal with some of his childhood issues too).
Start by reading I Love You but I’m Not in Love With You which will explain why men fall out of love (and how his bereavement is possibly at the core of this problem) and My Wife Doesn’t Love Me Any More for your fight-back plan. (The version for women is My Husband Doesn’t Love Me and He’s Texting Someone Else).
You also need to understand how protecting your son – to the extend that he’s an adult but needs you to manage his day-to-day life – is not only bad for him but has made your husband feel second best. I explain more in ‘I love you but you always put me last’.
When you’ve understood the full impact of his mother’s death on your husband and how this has brought smaller problems into sharp relief, you will be able to apologise for what you regret and explain what could be different if he came back. At the moment, you’re just failing about waving your hands in the air saying “my husband has left me”.
I do understand your wishful thinking as I wish men would take responsibility for their own stuff rather than expect their wives to sort it out. But we both have to accept where we are and make the best of it. The good news is that you’re going to learn a lot about men and yourself and that’s never a bad thing.
Jane says
This is my story of I love you but …
My husband and I have been together for 9 years and married for 6. He is 44 and I am 42. 6 weeks ago he moved out after our seemingly happy marriage hit a brick wall a few months ago.
I felt like I was living with a stranger. This person looked like my husband but he wasn’t the same. He seemed distant and angry. The slightest thing would result in an argument of which during our time together we have had few (I now realise this was probably a major contributor).
The moment I knew we were in trouble was after a particular argument. It was a disagreement we had had many times before but this time my husband’s reaction was different. He was angry … really angry and the argument didn’t dissipate as it normally would after a day or so. I could tell he was still annoyed at me and it kept coming up in conversation weeks later.
Around that time I noticed a distance. The closeness that we had always shared was no longer there. And then the socialising began. A new crowd of friends at work. Friends I had never met – which for us is unusual. Nights out that resulted in my husband coming in very late, staying out all night and even missing the last train home. All this very uncharacteristic of his normal behaviour. So uncharacteristic in fact, that he has had more nights out in 3 months than the whole of the time we have been together. One Saturday evening, he rushed out to console a female colleague after her boyfriend had broken up with her. Did she not have any friends to call upon I asked? Around this time his phone became almost like a growth attached to his hand. Message after message. The same female colleague that referred to him as ‘baby’ in a message that flashed up on his screen (his phone was locked very soon after that). The same colleague who would message him late in the evening – work planning apparently.
And my reaction … anger, frustration, despair, panic. All the things that you shouldn’t do! When I questioned the messages – denial, absolute denial and I was accused of not trusting him or believing him. He categorically swears that he hasn’t had an affair. I never actually accused him of having one. I was questioning the nature and frequency of the communications he was having with his colleague. He even said that maybe I was having an affair!!
Eventually, we sat down for a talk. I wanted to know how he felt. He didn’t say the words ‘I love you but’ although what I heard amounted to the same thing. He felt trapped, under constant scrutiny, he felt we had lost our spark and he didn’t think he could do this (ie our marriage) any more. My reaction was to run out of the house in tears.
He moved out 6 weeks ago. He hasn’t given me an address. His reaction to me asking for an address was that I was going to check up on him! His parting words were ‘you do not trust or believe me and I can’t change that’. He also became very emotional and couldn’t believe how things had come to this. He didn’t want anything formal drawn up and hasn’t asked for a divorce. There was no plan in how things were going to be during our separation. He didn’t want to make a plan and was extremely stressed about moving out of our home but he could see no alternative.
So since him moving out, I’ve been reading your books (I Love You But I’m Not In Love With You and My Husband Doesn’t Love Me And He’s Texting Someone Else) and they have been really helpful. This is clearly a common problem and I am not alone. Now I have had time to reflect I can see that my husband has been quite passive throughout our relationship and I took the reins of planning our social life and managing the house. When I look back before I felt our relationship really hit the wall I can see that there were warning signs prior to that but I ignored them. There was a reluctance setting in ie to do things round the house or attend social events.
I should have listened and asked questions. I did try and give a fulsome apology before he left as he said he felt like I hadn’t always given him a choice. I feel like I have a few more to make but these are things I would rather say face to face. Typically the only communication we have is via text and often his responses are so closed. I haven’t hounded him, I haven’t sent any angry texts and I have stopped the love bombing (yes I was guilty of this too). I have tried to use tipping points to send positive/different messages as best I can via text or email. Mostly his responses are so closed – I fear he believes it is over.
What I have noticed is that his communication has become passive-aggressive. In that he will agree to things and then not do them. This had started some time age with little jobs round the house. His response would be ‘I’ll do it’ then a week later ‘I’ll do it’ then 6 weeks later under duress maybe it would get done! And it continues. ‘I’ll ring you over the weekend’ … no phone call. ’I’ll ring you during the week’ … guess what! ‘We’ll meet up next week’ – this has now moved to the week after next.
It is like living in limbo land and I literally live day to day. I wake up and think can I do this today and most days the answer is yes. But you need a strong mind and nerves of steel.
Is it really possible to rebuild a relationship that feels like my husband has checked out of and perhaps I am competing with new and exciting affections from a work colleague who is 15 years younger than me? I really felt that we had committed to one another. This is my husband’s third marriage and my second. We even joked that we weren’t going to go through another divorce and that we were stuck with each other for ever. We have had a really happy marriage. Last year we had one of the best holidays we have ever had. I have never had reason to not trust him in the past. I have asked if he would consider counselling to which he replied he will think about it (based on past experience this normally means no).
Do you have any suggestions on an action plan? I would really like to improve communications between us as I see this is the key to moving forward. Is there a way of encouraging him to communicate?
I would really appreciate hearing your comments.
Andrew G. Marshall says
I am afraid that your story is a very familiar one and I’m pleased that my books have helped keep you sane in an insane situation. My concern is that your husband has a track record of thinking that ‘love will save the day’ and instead of trying to understand why his love for you has hit the buffers, he goes for the easy option: find someone else. From what you’ve said, this work colleague is the answer to all his problems and with her, he will not be passive and a poor communicator (because she ‘gets’ him). Sadly, he’s going to get a shock – somewhere down the line. Whether that will be in a time frame that will allow you to rebuild your marriage, I don’t know. However, just because he isn’t interested in learning from this situation – doesn’t mean that you can’t. Please have a look at ‘Wake Up and Change Your Life: How to come out of a crisis stronger, wiser and happier’ – because I think I wrote it for you. I hope if you continue to act calmly and assertively, he will begin to react better (as the shine wears off his ‘perfect’ romance) and you will have a second chance. Even if you don’t the lessons you will learn about relationships will help you make a better one next time round. Plus learning about what went wrong is an essential part of the healing process. So focus on YOUR growth and YOUR learning, nothing you do in this area will be wasted and it could lay the foundations for a better future with your husband. In contrast, trying to work on HIS growth and HIS learning is outside your control and it will make you angry, frustrated and resentful. Good luck
Millie says
Hi, I would appreciate some advice. I am desperate. My husband and I had been together 20 years, married 13 with 2 boys. He noticeably started getting down after Christmas 2014 then he had a funeral in March. His dad had not spoken to him in 12 years and he saw them at this funeral where he rejected my husband again when my husband went to offer condolences. My husband came back very upset and noticeably withdrew even further from me. He was snappy, irritable, trying to find things that were good about me.
Finally in May he said he wasn’t happy , I asked him why and he said he didn’t know. I said were OK, you still love me and he said I don’t know. I was heartbroken. Never saw it coming. Only 10 weeks previously he had given me a valentines card saying how much he loved me more every single year.
Two days later I tried to talk to him and he said he wasn’t going to say he didn’t love me but I had pushed it and now he’d thought about it he didn’t. He agreed to stay and talk but I was devastated. He stayed for about 3 months but during that time he was very negative towards me, wouldn’t touch me and I ended up shouting at him, giving him another excuse for his unhappiness in the marriage.
In August he asked for separation ( because of the arguments), I kicked him out next day and he rented a flat 40 mins away.
5 weeks later the kids mentioned another woman..he insisted a work colleague.
I went through his phone records and found he’d been texting and phoning her for months…all during the time he was saying I don’t love you. The flat he’d rented was 3 minutes from hers. He denied anything inappropriate just that he’d been confiding in her about his unhappiness.
In November he tells the kids he has developed strong emotional feelings for her and is seeing her.
In January he tells me his is moving in with her and her daughter. Oh my god what do I do? How can a solid relationship turn like this. I know I did all the wrong things by shouting etc but I never expected this. Is there any hope for my marriage …I have read some of your books.
Please help
Please
Andrew G. Marshall says
Sadly this situation is common enough for it to be the subject of my next book: ‘It’s NOT a mid-life crisis, it’s an opportunity: How to be forty or fifty-something without going off the rails. I finished it a few days ago and its being edited and should be out in September. So is there any hope for your marriage? I would say it looks really tough at the moment but I see glimmers. Let me try and explain. Your husband is going through an existential crisis – which goes far deeper than his marriage. He is dealing with the fall-out from his dad’s rejection twelve years ago, throw in the general disappointment of life not turning out how he planned and a run of the mill stresses and strains in your marriage which made him feel that seeking your help would get him nowhere (or perhaps he did not have the tools to ask). As you can imagine, this is a huge pile of problems and tough issues. Sadly, we don’t like tough questions and we’d much rather have a short cut. Throw in the message from movies and pop songs that ‘love is the answer’, it is not surprising that he has latched onto this woman – and his ‘love’ for her – as the solution. If you’ve read ILYB, you’ll know that limerence does not last forever. He STILL has all his problems (plus new ones as I doubt he’s getting on well with his sons and I bet living with a step-daughter is not going to be ‘love’s young dream’). However, he won’t magically come back. You need to think: what could I have done different? If he does return, how does my marriage need to change? Even if he doesn’t see sense, these are useful questions to ask yourself so you learn from this and don’t bring baggage from this relationship into your next. Good luck.