A Reader Writes…
I have been married for 10 years and have 8 year-old son. Ours was a love marriage. I have always been a cleanliness freak and like things in place. Also have a temper issue which subsided a bit after my son’s birth. All this time we used to have petty fights about my husband never wanting to do things and I ending up doing all of it. Also about him not having time for me at all, always being occupied with work late nights, being distant. He also got relocated to a foreign country and I was to go too but then dropped it as I wanted to be in my country and be occupied.
Around 2009 I got friendly with a guy I started chatting with online. We met a few times but then when the guy ended up proposing to me, I kinda felt odd and did think that it wasn’t what I wanted and ended up telling my husband everything and he was really shocked. That same year end, I discovered that my hubby was cheating on me for more than two years.
I felt the earth move when I discovered this. I went into depression and then he came back I told him to leave. He told me that it was all over and then he again met her during one of his business visits. I didn’t know what to do, where to run. I was hurt at a deeper level. He then assured me that he would never do it again, but I caught him chatting online, then again having sex chats with some office colleague. The female he was seeing got married and he told me that he was hurt. He keeps trying to look her up on different sites and recently also I got to know that he was checking her pics.
We have already tried counselling and I’ve tried individual counselling as well. I have read so much online and referred to case studies but I’m really fed up now. He never bothers to talk to me or find out where I am. Our sex life is non-existent since months or more. Every time I am the one to talk about our relationship and then we end up yelling at each other and then eventually I ask for divorce and he tells me that we can stay separate, then we sleep over it. When I confront him about initiating divorce, he says OK we would go and then conveniently forgets it.
Actually I am so hurt deep inside, and moreover every time I try to heal myself and think of forgiving and moving on, he does something to bring it all down. I am not exactly proud of myself or the way I’ve behaved in this marriage – always being angry and now more so. I’m so tired of it all. This is because I’ve become a completely different person and so bitter that I am hating myself. I have become this depressed personality and I am not this. I am loving and love to go out with friends and have people over and spend time with family
Over weekends or after work he sits endlessly watching TV or playing games on his phone and gets angry if I stop him in anyway at all. He just wants everything in life. I tried telling him that the other female has moved on, and clearly he should also do the same. He says that his behaviour has got nothing to do with that female and no one else. He told me that he does not love me and cannot commit to anything at all. He just wants to be left alone. He is not even willing to see a counsellor after the one we met together.
I just don’t know if it’s time that I called it quits. My sister tells me to end it and says that he is just not worth it. I think so too at times, but then I think if I could give it one last chance to understand if I could change my behaviour and maybe things would change. I know anyone could give suggestions, but I am the one who needs to take the final call. I don’t want to prolong it any more.
I yearn to be loved and I don’t know when was the last time my husband actually hugged me lovingly. I feel so unfortunate and also can’t accept that this is the same man who loved me or the man for whom I gave up everything to be with.
This is a terribly sad letter, but one of the things that makes me feel a small amount of optimism is that you are willing to accept that it is six of one and half a dozen of the other. You have also looked at some of your own behaviour that is making this worse – rather than just looking at his . You both have a lot in common, you’re both incredibly unhappy and I think he is also sounding very depressed.
When you’re depressed there becomes a point where you can find no way out, and you start to look at ‘magical’ solutions, like chatting to somebody online, looking at pictures of an ex, or getting involved with somebody married at work. The problem is – beyond a temporary boost – it makes you feel even worse and you slip further back into depression.
What makes me really optimistic however, is the fact that you have managed to find, for yourself, the answer to all of this, as in asking yourself ‘If I change my behaviour, it might have an impact on him – and that might go on to change the whole relationship.’
I want you to understand why love can drain out of a relationship. I Love You but I’m Not in Love With You will explain that. I also want you to understand why affairs happen, How Can I Ever Trust You Again? will explain this.
Then I want you to find a way of communicating better; Resolve Your Differences and Help Your Partner Say Yes will also help. But the book I really want you to read is My Wife Doesn’t Love Me Any More although written for men it’s equally applicable to women who want to win back their relationship.
It’s a hard road ahead, but as you say you have an eight year-old son and it feels like there is still something left in this relationship. I think you should find out what that is. Good luck.