I was looking for help on the web, as I felt devastated and depressed last night, when I came across your website and its archives. I have not read your books but after reading the archives I definitely plan to buy the one, you suggest, that could help me cope up. My problem is not much different – it’s been 6 months of heartache that I have been suffering. Six months back my husband just came back from an official trip and stopped talking.
When I tried asking and got angry on no response he said he doesn’t feel “connected” with me anymore. This was shocking as I have loved him too much and I can’t imagine a life without him. Moreover, ours is a 5 yr plus marriage but we know each other for 11-12 years now… And in all these years he has many times said no one can love me more than he does! Just before he went on that trip he expressed his love… I do know deep down that he did love me… So it was impossible to believe my ears when he said that.
He started keeping to himself with not even a word in the evenings or weekends… This got me suspicious and I found that he was texting a girl in his team… The messages were flirtatious from the girl’s side… But she is his subordinate so there’s no way she could do that without some form of encouragement or relationship on ground. When I confronted him he denied and said it he is fed up of my suspicious nature and that he would like to leave me! I just want to inform that his secrecy made me curious otherwise am not of suspicious nature in general.
On many occasions I found email exchanges between them hinting at a relationship going on… My neighbors even saw them come home in office hours when I was gone to work! He even goes and meets her on weekends. But whenever I confronted him he just denied the whole thing. Rather says that he never wanted to marry me as he realized it much before marriage that I am not the one he would want to be with. He says my mom asked him to marry me as her last wish during her cancer therapy… And so he did it for her but now he cannot take it anymore. Every time I confront him about the girl or the current disconnect he tries and turns the discussion towards our marriage against his will!
What about the 5 years we were happy in between? He has no answer.
Photography by ChrisJamesDade.com
He also says he has been feeling the disconnect from the beginning of the marriage but couldn’t say it for the fear of hurting me but doesn’t want to cause further damage and now wants a life that he wants to live. I cannot express in words how hard it has been for me to listen all this and “you don’t mean anything to me” “I don’t feel anything for you” – from a man I have loved whole heartedly for so many years. He is my first love.
When we went for marriage counseling, he stated that he fell out of love when he went abroad the first time… When he came back he realized I have not moved on and he on the other hand had experienced the world. He says he did say he doesn’t want to marry me but then gave in to my mother’s request. My memory is completely different. I did recheck with my childhood friend if I remember correctly – when he said he doesn’t want to marry I did move on… I was about to meet a guy and finalize things but then this guy’s family came running that our son loves your daughter and lets talk about the wedding…! So I wonder where’s the “favor” aspect he is talking about.
Moreover despite his denials I cannot forget all he proofs that have emerged from his mails.. He also said in the counseling that he finds our relationship lacking in intimacy, passion in public display of affection… I was very hurt to hear those words from him coz it wasn’t completely true. Most often it was I who used to crave for his hugs and to get physical but he always turned down my asks stating tiredness as the most common reason. When I confronted him with this fact he said he never loved me and so never felt passionate! And about all the good moments we did have, he says sometimes he did make love to me just to satisfy and end my complaints.
We did have happy five years as I remember but his memory of them is completely opposite.
I have tried understanding his point as well and have tried to just hang on. But my question to you is: is it worth holding on to? Is there any hope?
Last night he said I want to live my life the way I want and you live the way you want… If you want divorce we can do that, else we can live like this… He even said he would never come back to the relationship for sure.
Basically I feel he wants me to take action… He doesn’t realise how much I love him and how much it hurts. He sometimes says he doesn’t know what to do, and is equally confused – while repeatedly denying the other woman (says she is a Friend and confidante I like).
I love him dearly and it hurts to see him so detached in just 6 months… What should I do? Wait and try and save it or should I believe him that he is not gonna come back and leave him? I feel like killing myself as I never imagined a life without him – so loveless, so lonely, so insecure. My husband says he never loved me and I don’t know what to do.
Andrew Replies…
I’m very concerned about your letter, especially that you feel like killing yourself and feel so lonely and insecure. You definitely need help. I hope my books will help but you need something more. Perhaps you could go back to your counsellor or speak to your doctor.
I’m also concerned about the bleakness of his story about your relationship. In other words he never wanted to marry. I’m afraid it’s typical of men in affairs to rewrite history to try and justify themselves. There is no point debating the past – and whether he ever did love you or not – because it gets you nowhere and it just drives him away. It’s also pointless debating whether he’s having a full blown affair or just having an inappropriate friendship. It makes no difference, they’re equally dangerous and both of them undermine your relationship.
At the bottom of all of this, you need to decide how he detached himself, and express your love in a way that he’ll understand and listen to. That’s why I’d also like you to look at My Wife Doesn’t Love Me Anymoreas it explains my basic programme for winning back a spouse.
So, don’t despair. Learn more about how you got into this hole, take it one step at a time and please, look after yourself.
About Andrew G. Marshall
Marital therapist and author of I Love You But I'm Not in Love With You. Expert on resolving infidelity and falling back in love.
Andrew this sounds like you are blaming the woman for the horrible situation she is in.Her husband sounds like a complete jerk that doesn’t deserve her at all.She deserves a man that truely loves her and respects her and treats her right.The husband is in the wrong here and should of never got married in the first place.You don’t marry someone because you were told to by your dying mother in law.You don’t tell your wife you only were intimate with her to stop her from nagging for affection.No woman should ever have to beg or plead with their husband to be intimate with her or show her some attention. This husband sounds passive aggressive and not worthy of a woman’s love.This wife deserves to be loved, respected and treated right by a mature man and not a disrespectful and immature child/man .It hurts deeply to be told you are not loved by your spouse and rejected emotionaly and physically and sexualy. It’s the husband that is in the wrong here plain and simple.The wife should not have to figure out how to make him more available to her or try to make him love her again.You can’t make someone love you or be intimate with you.Like I said this wife is to good for this guy and deserves a man that loves her unconditionaly.The husband needs to either change his behavior or get help for his personality problems.(he most likely has a disorder)., or end the marriage and let his wife be free to discover one day what a true loving and fulfilled marriage really feels right with the right guy.My heart goes out to this woman as she never signed up for a jerk husband that mistreats her and says he never loved her.Your advice is plain wrong….
Arlenesays
I agree with you girl! She deserves better
Evasays
I have the same problem like this woman. We are married for 15 years. He had an affair. He says he is not feeling connection with me. He says he has not been feeling connection with me for the past 10 years. He is back home after affair but said he is miserable in this marriage. He has relied on his feelings all his life. He has mood swings. He doesn’t know what true love is.
I would take what he is saying with a pinch of salt. ‘I have not felt connected for ten years’ sounds to me like the sort of justifications men use to square with themselves that it is OK to have an affair. I call this Affair Brain and I have more information in my Infidelity Survival Training and Support Group where you could learn more about recovering from an affair. More details at https://andrewgmarshall.com/andrew-g-marshalls-infidelity-survival-training-and-support-group-launch/
Megansays
Hi Andrew,
my husband of 10 years left me 4months ago. This is the second time he’s left me. The 1st time was because he could not get over a brief relationship I had when we separated for 6 months, 5yrs into the marriage (I left him as I was fed up of abuse from his family) and this time he’s left saying we argue too much and there’s no peace at home.
We have had major financial difficulties which made him n I stressed and caused a lot of arguments. Also I admit I was fighting to be loved, for attention and didn’t realise he couldn’t give me all this whilst he was stressed. I also didn’t know how deeply I was depressed I barely remember our fights. Sadly we had a few fights where the children heard n ended up crying which was the last straw for him n he left.
But now the children cry cz he’s gone and they see how much weight I’ve lost n how sad I am though I try to put on a brave face. I am devasted. I have written numerous texts to him promising I have changed and will continue to change (I truly have! I feel like this was a major major wake up call) but he doesn’t believe me.
I am re-starting therapy and have become more independent as a single mum of 3. He spoke to my parents recently and said he doesn’t want to come back because I shout at him, there’s no peace and he’s never been happy with me in all the 10years. That shocked me. We have had in-law issues, financial issues and depression over the years but I loved him deeply n he made me feel the same. He says I’ve promised this all before but I feel blindsided. I didn’t know he was unhappy from day 1? And I didn’t realise I was shouting or being horrible I feel like he tells me things when he’s already decided to leave n I have no chance to correct myself. Whereas when he wrongs me I tell him n not make him guess or be blindsided.
I am always apologetic after we argue n the first to say sorry, regret and make up but I always always mean it. My depression makes me overreact and take out my anger at him and he’s very good at using words to hurt me deeply. I am so so sad he’s left me I feel so apologetic n wish he would believe I will never go back to behaving that way and I am taking steps to make sure. But him saying he was never happy has broken my heart cz I gave up everything for him and to be with him and the times I wasn’t overwhelmed with depression I tried so hard to be good to him. Is there any hope? I feel like my existence alone depresses him. When he first left he was saying things like he’ll always love me even if we end up divorcing but now he can’t even look me in the eye, he can’t smile around me and everyone feels sorry for him n says he’s skinny n looks depressed. I am devasted to think I alone am the cause.
I definitely should have been a supportive wife when we were getting final demand notice letters in the post than nag about why he hasn’t paid them etc but I never once thought I alone was the cause of all his misery. He used to say he just wants me to say it’s gonna be ok when it comes to the finances n I did a few times. But now I’m being blamed for everything n I just feel like there’s no hope for me when he now looks at me as enemy number 1. He loves his kids n is gutted he doesn’t get to see them daily now we r separated and I think this is why he hates me so much right now. He doesn’t see his part, i’m just the one n only reason he’s gonna lose his kids n hates me now. Please help me with some advice. He told my parents he will continue to think before making a final decision on divorce for their sake alone cz he loves them. This makes me think there is no hope. I have told him which I mean that I too don’t want to go back to our old relationship but want a new one n I will never repeat my behaviour that made him unhappy. He doesn’t believe me. I don’t know what to do. He’s the love of my life and I don’t know how I will ever forgive myself.
Congratulations for looking at yourself and seeing what you would like to change. That is truly admirable. However, it is not ALL your fault that your marriage has reached this place. What could he have done differently? How did he contribute to the problems? I have yet to meet a couple who have not contributed equally to the crisis in their marriage. So what do you do next? As you can’t change your husband, I would start to cement in your changes…. because he will see over time that you truly mean that you are going to change. I explain how to emerge out of a crisis stronger and happier in my book ‘Wake Up and Change Your Life’
amandasays
Andrew – why does she need to do this? “you need to decide how he detached himself”. Why is this her responsibility? I think HE needs to figure that out. At this point what does it matter? He has already convinced himself of all the lies that allowed him to rewrite history and commit adultery. How does anyone really ever get past this? I don’t think the betrayed spouse has any agency in the cheaters’ behavior. It thinks the cheater is the only one that can possibly fix the situation and that is with YEARS of self-reflection to figure out how he allowed him/her self to lie, cheat and do all the other things necessary to have an affair.
Of course, she is not responsible for her husband’s affair. Of course, he has to work on himself, learn and grow. But most people are curious about why their marriage reached this dark place. So it is worth looking back over the whole history of the marriage – not just the run up to the affair – and looking at if there is anything she would like to have done differently. This might be so that she does not fall into the same traps in her next relationship or if they decide to give it another go, what needs to change for the marriage mark two.
Christina Reichhartsays
My husband of 5 years told me the same. He loves me but not the way I loved him. He felt like this way before we got married. We were together 3 years. I was not pregnant, never rushed him but HE asked me. Now he’s saying that he doesn’t why he did. He felt that way for a while but kept pushing it back telling himself that it was normal. When I met him I was having a hard time trusting him which had caused some fights. And I told him that of if he didn’t feel anything or want this to continue to just leave. I let my guard down because he never showed me that he couldn’t. He stayed and asked me to marry him later. But now 8 years old telling me that she shouldn’t have. At first I thought it was our marriage has lost sparks. With a child, me having postpartum and with financial problems I thought those things took a toll on us. I wanted to work it out. He kept saying that even with marriage counseling he doesn’t think that he’s feelings will change anything. I didn’t really understand what he meant but until he told that he felt that way before we married. Which angered me. Why would he do this? He answers are I don’t know. I can’t force him to change nor hope and wait another 8 years to find out the same hurtful thing. I’m so lost. We have a few counseling sessions coming up but right now idk why. Trying to figure why he did it is driving me crazy. I keep thinking he’s having a midlife crisis but he’s 27. He’s talking to some girl whom he claims that he has had an emotional affair with and that hurts me even more. She knows he’s married and knows our marriage is in shambles but yet still talks to him and claim that she’s “rooting” for us. I feel like I can’t trust him. I can’t even speak to him without getting sad or angry. I’ve been crying all night and day and I’m devastated.. not sure if it’s one of his mental issues that he need to fix or get in check getting in the way. He’s good at wearing masks and had been wearing one for years. Fooling everyone and myself.
I think you have your answer to why he asked you to marry him when he wasn’t sure. (I think he is building up his reluctance at the time of the wedding, to fit his feelings today). The clue is ‘he is good at wearing a mask’. In other words, He likes to please people and give them what they want to hear (until like now, it gets too much). Where did this come from? Does he wear a mask to his parents? His mother? I guess this goes a long way back. So please don’t take it too personally. I hope this helps you decide what to do next.
Felicitysays
My fiance of 4 years just told me he doesnt want me to leave but that he will never love me they way I love him. Together for 5 years. He was very emotionally abusive, cruel, cold, followed by showering me with gifts and doing things for me. The cycle continued for years as he tried to change. And he did. Sort of. He stopped the obvious behaviors like calling me names, manipulating and controlling behaviors and severe gaslighting.
He has cheated many times, mostly through dating apps and online chats which has only manifested into “real life” on a few occasions. He is an expert at “turning off his feelings” becoming cold and sometimes cruel though it is clear he would never physically hurt me. Most of the time he’s simply “not here” . he has used my pictures to create multiple accounts to talk to other girls and guys pretending to be me.
Still through all this I see a man in great pain who is simply looking for adoration to fill up his giant black hole inside himself. He has changed yes. He has worked on himself a great deal so that now he treats me with “almost decency” yet he doesnt understand that despite his efforts he is still cruel in many ways.
I have an anxiety/panic attack disorder. Recently the last blow of online cheating surfaced and I basically mentally broke.
We were able to talk and he was able to be real with me. He simply said he doesnt have it in him anymore to be caring or loving as his past relationship was very abusive and manipulative but towards him. I knew this as his efforts to be caring always seemed forced and not authentic and simply to please me. He said he loves me and wants me to stay but that because he loves me I should leave. He said he will never love me the way I love him and he will never be able to give me the things I need in a relationship. Hes told me many times hes simply broken. But that also he would not be willing to go to therapy of any kind.
We have a 3 year old together who adores us both that he is great with. He truly loves her but still can seem distant with her as well but never cruel and never cold.
He learned to “turn off” to survive. I know this relationship is toxic for me. I am a highly empathetic individual and to top it off i have some issues with my sensory processing and need specific environments to function and thrive. But how can I just leave. When he is actually trying very hard and making visible changes. He is hurting and he is broken and if I leave im afraid he may never reconnect to his “humanity”. Just one more story of someone who gave up on him. And I want our daughter to have her father. Im at a loss. With the fact that he refuses therapy. I dont know what I can do considering my own needs for mental stability. I am no longer in therapy bc financially things are rough with the pandemic and I have an extremely hard time keeping up with appts in general due to severe ADHD so places like mhmr and the low cost clinic keep kicking me off their list saying im not following the rules. I try though and will seek out help again when this health crisis is over.
It sounds like you have worked hard on this relationship and trying to understand your fiancé. But I would be interested in why you feel drawn to a man who is a black hole. What makes you feel that it is your job to fill his black hole? How was your childhood? Did you feel that you had to ‘save’ someone (for example your mother or your father) or make up for their tough life? What would happen if you put all your efforts into rescuing yourself and understanding how you have got enmeshed with someone who in his sane moments knows that he is harming you? Sometimes I meet people who are so busy trying to fix someone else because it keeps them so busy that they can’t see their own problems (they just think if they fix their partner, their life will be sorted). However, the only person we can change is ourselves and that is a BIG job.
Pilar Ertlsays
I don’t think my husband “loves” me anymore. He has had 2 affairs (15 years apart), we have been married for almost 29 years
He’s not attracted to me because he claims I am a nun.
I want to please God in every way I can… I know he hates divorce.
Please help.
I’m sorry to hear about your husband’s affair. It must be very painful – especially as it has happened before. I don’t feel qualified to discuss what God wants but I would invite you to think about what you want. Do you want to try and save the relationship because you love your husband or see something that makes you want to fight for your husband? If that is the case, I would suggest reading ‘My husband doesn’t love me and he’s texting someone else’. However, I think your heart has to be in it because the journey ahead is a tough one.
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Kristie says
Andrew this sounds like you are blaming the woman for the horrible situation she is in.Her husband sounds like a complete jerk that doesn’t deserve her at all.She deserves a man that truely loves her and respects her and treats her right.The husband is in the wrong here and should of never got married in the first place.You don’t marry someone because you were told to by your dying mother in law.You don’t tell your wife you only were intimate with her to stop her from nagging for affection.No woman should ever have to beg or plead with their husband to be intimate with her or show her some attention. This husband sounds passive aggressive and not worthy of a woman’s love.This wife deserves to be loved, respected and treated right by a mature man and not a disrespectful and immature child/man .It hurts deeply to be told you are not loved by your spouse and rejected emotionaly and physically and sexualy. It’s the husband that is in the wrong here plain and simple.The wife should not have to figure out how to make him more available to her or try to make him love her again.You can’t make someone love you or be intimate with you.Like I said this wife is to good for this guy and deserves a man that loves her unconditionaly.The husband needs to either change his behavior or get help for his personality problems.(he most likely has a disorder)., or end the marriage and let his wife be free to discover one day what a true loving and fulfilled marriage really feels right with the right guy.My heart goes out to this woman as she never signed up for a jerk husband that mistreats her and says he never loved her.Your advice is plain wrong….
Arlene says
I agree with you girl! She deserves better
Eva says
I have the same problem like this woman. We are married for 15 years. He had an affair. He says he is not feeling connection with me. He says he has not been feeling connection with me for the past 10 years. He is back home after affair but said he is miserable in this marriage. He has relied on his feelings all his life. He has mood swings. He doesn’t know what true love is.
Andrew G. Marshall says
I would take what he is saying with a pinch of salt. ‘I have not felt connected for ten years’ sounds to me like the sort of justifications men use to square with themselves that it is OK to have an affair. I call this Affair Brain and I have more information in my Infidelity Survival Training and Support Group where you could learn more about recovering from an affair. More details at https://andrewgmarshall.com/andrew-g-marshalls-infidelity-survival-training-and-support-group-launch/
Megan says
Hi Andrew,
my husband of 10 years left me 4months ago. This is the second time he’s left me. The 1st time was because he could not get over a brief relationship I had when we separated for 6 months, 5yrs into the marriage (I left him as I was fed up of abuse from his family) and this time he’s left saying we argue too much and there’s no peace at home.
We have had major financial difficulties which made him n I stressed and caused a lot of arguments. Also I admit I was fighting to be loved, for attention and didn’t realise he couldn’t give me all this whilst he was stressed. I also didn’t know how deeply I was depressed I barely remember our fights. Sadly we had a few fights where the children heard n ended up crying which was the last straw for him n he left.
But now the children cry cz he’s gone and they see how much weight I’ve lost n how sad I am though I try to put on a brave face. I am devasted. I have written numerous texts to him promising I have changed and will continue to change (I truly have! I feel like this was a major major wake up call) but he doesn’t believe me.
I am re-starting therapy and have become more independent as a single mum of 3. He spoke to my parents recently and said he doesn’t want to come back because I shout at him, there’s no peace and he’s never been happy with me in all the 10years. That shocked me. We have had in-law issues, financial issues and depression over the years but I loved him deeply n he made me feel the same. He says I’ve promised this all before but I feel blindsided. I didn’t know he was unhappy from day 1? And I didn’t realise I was shouting or being horrible I feel like he tells me things when he’s already decided to leave n I have no chance to correct myself. Whereas when he wrongs me I tell him n not make him guess or be blindsided.
I am always apologetic after we argue n the first to say sorry, regret and make up but I always always mean it. My depression makes me overreact and take out my anger at him and he’s very good at using words to hurt me deeply. I am so so sad he’s left me I feel so apologetic n wish he would believe I will never go back to behaving that way and I am taking steps to make sure. But him saying he was never happy has broken my heart cz I gave up everything for him and to be with him and the times I wasn’t overwhelmed with depression I tried so hard to be good to him. Is there any hope? I feel like my existence alone depresses him. When he first left he was saying things like he’ll always love me even if we end up divorcing but now he can’t even look me in the eye, he can’t smile around me and everyone feels sorry for him n says he’s skinny n looks depressed. I am devasted to think I alone am the cause.
I definitely should have been a supportive wife when we were getting final demand notice letters in the post than nag about why he hasn’t paid them etc but I never once thought I alone was the cause of all his misery. He used to say he just wants me to say it’s gonna be ok when it comes to the finances n I did a few times. But now I’m being blamed for everything n I just feel like there’s no hope for me when he now looks at me as enemy number 1. He loves his kids n is gutted he doesn’t get to see them daily now we r separated and I think this is why he hates me so much right now. He doesn’t see his part, i’m just the one n only reason he’s gonna lose his kids n hates me now. Please help me with some advice. He told my parents he will continue to think before making a final decision on divorce for their sake alone cz he loves them. This makes me think there is no hope. I have told him which I mean that I too don’t want to go back to our old relationship but want a new one n I will never repeat my behaviour that made him unhappy. He doesn’t believe me. I don’t know what to do. He’s the love of my life and I don’t know how I will ever forgive myself.
Andrew G. Marshall says
Congratulations for looking at yourself and seeing what you would like to change. That is truly admirable. However, it is not ALL your fault that your marriage has reached this place. What could he have done differently? How did he contribute to the problems? I have yet to meet a couple who have not contributed equally to the crisis in their marriage. So what do you do next? As you can’t change your husband, I would start to cement in your changes…. because he will see over time that you truly mean that you are going to change. I explain how to emerge out of a crisis stronger and happier in my book ‘Wake Up and Change Your Life’
amanda says
Andrew – why does she need to do this? “you need to decide how he detached himself”. Why is this her responsibility? I think HE needs to figure that out. At this point what does it matter? He has already convinced himself of all the lies that allowed him to rewrite history and commit adultery. How does anyone really ever get past this? I don’t think the betrayed spouse has any agency in the cheaters’ behavior. It thinks the cheater is the only one that can possibly fix the situation and that is with YEARS of self-reflection to figure out how he allowed him/her self to lie, cheat and do all the other things necessary to have an affair.
Andrew G. Marshall says
Of course, she is not responsible for her husband’s affair. Of course, he has to work on himself, learn and grow. But most people are curious about why their marriage reached this dark place. So it is worth looking back over the whole history of the marriage – not just the run up to the affair – and looking at if there is anything she would like to have done differently. This might be so that she does not fall into the same traps in her next relationship or if they decide to give it another go, what needs to change for the marriage mark two.
Christina Reichhart says
My husband of 5 years told me the same. He loves me but not the way I loved him. He felt like this way before we got married. We were together 3 years. I was not pregnant, never rushed him but HE asked me. Now he’s saying that he doesn’t why he did. He felt that way for a while but kept pushing it back telling himself that it was normal. When I met him I was having a hard time trusting him which had caused some fights. And I told him that of if he didn’t feel anything or want this to continue to just leave. I let my guard down because he never showed me that he couldn’t. He stayed and asked me to marry him later. But now 8 years old telling me that she shouldn’t have. At first I thought it was our marriage has lost sparks. With a child, me having postpartum and with financial problems I thought those things took a toll on us. I wanted to work it out. He kept saying that even with marriage counseling he doesn’t think that he’s feelings will change anything. I didn’t really understand what he meant but until he told that he felt that way before we married. Which angered me. Why would he do this? He answers are I don’t know. I can’t force him to change nor hope and wait another 8 years to find out the same hurtful thing. I’m so lost. We have a few counseling sessions coming up but right now idk why. Trying to figure why he did it is driving me crazy. I keep thinking he’s having a midlife crisis but he’s 27. He’s talking to some girl whom he claims that he has had an emotional affair with and that hurts me even more. She knows he’s married and knows our marriage is in shambles but yet still talks to him and claim that she’s “rooting” for us. I feel like I can’t trust him. I can’t even speak to him without getting sad or angry. I’ve been crying all night and day and I’m devastated.. not sure if it’s one of his mental issues that he need to fix or get in check getting in the way. He’s good at wearing masks and had been wearing one for years. Fooling everyone and myself.
Andrew G. Marshall says
I think you have your answer to why he asked you to marry him when he wasn’t sure. (I think he is building up his reluctance at the time of the wedding, to fit his feelings today). The clue is ‘he is good at wearing a mask’. In other words, He likes to please people and give them what they want to hear (until like now, it gets too much). Where did this come from? Does he wear a mask to his parents? His mother? I guess this goes a long way back. So please don’t take it too personally. I hope this helps you decide what to do next.
Felicity says
My fiance of 4 years just told me he doesnt want me to leave but that he will never love me they way I love him. Together for 5 years. He was very emotionally abusive, cruel, cold, followed by showering me with gifts and doing things for me. The cycle continued for years as he tried to change. And he did. Sort of. He stopped the obvious behaviors like calling me names, manipulating and controlling behaviors and severe gaslighting.
He has cheated many times, mostly through dating apps and online chats which has only manifested into “real life” on a few occasions. He is an expert at “turning off his feelings” becoming cold and sometimes cruel though it is clear he would never physically hurt me. Most of the time he’s simply “not here” . he has used my pictures to create multiple accounts to talk to other girls and guys pretending to be me.
Still through all this I see a man in great pain who is simply looking for adoration to fill up his giant black hole inside himself. He has changed yes. He has worked on himself a great deal so that now he treats me with “almost decency” yet he doesnt understand that despite his efforts he is still cruel in many ways.
I have an anxiety/panic attack disorder. Recently the last blow of online cheating surfaced and I basically mentally broke.
We were able to talk and he was able to be real with me. He simply said he doesnt have it in him anymore to be caring or loving as his past relationship was very abusive and manipulative but towards him. I knew this as his efforts to be caring always seemed forced and not authentic and simply to please me. He said he loves me and wants me to stay but that because he loves me I should leave. He said he will never love me the way I love him and he will never be able to give me the things I need in a relationship. Hes told me many times hes simply broken. But that also he would not be willing to go to therapy of any kind.
We have a 3 year old together who adores us both that he is great with. He truly loves her but still can seem distant with her as well but never cruel and never cold.
He learned to “turn off” to survive. I know this relationship is toxic for me. I am a highly empathetic individual and to top it off i have some issues with my sensory processing and need specific environments to function and thrive. But how can I just leave. When he is actually trying very hard and making visible changes. He is hurting and he is broken and if I leave im afraid he may never reconnect to his “humanity”. Just one more story of someone who gave up on him. And I want our daughter to have her father. Im at a loss. With the fact that he refuses therapy. I dont know what I can do considering my own needs for mental stability. I am no longer in therapy bc financially things are rough with the pandemic and I have an extremely hard time keeping up with appts in general due to severe ADHD so places like mhmr and the low cost clinic keep kicking me off their list saying im not following the rules. I try though and will seek out help again when this health crisis is over.
Andrew G. Marshall says
It sounds like you have worked hard on this relationship and trying to understand your fiancé. But I would be interested in why you feel drawn to a man who is a black hole. What makes you feel that it is your job to fill his black hole? How was your childhood? Did you feel that you had to ‘save’ someone (for example your mother or your father) or make up for their tough life? What would happen if you put all your efforts into rescuing yourself and understanding how you have got enmeshed with someone who in his sane moments knows that he is harming you? Sometimes I meet people who are so busy trying to fix someone else because it keeps them so busy that they can’t see their own problems (they just think if they fix their partner, their life will be sorted). However, the only person we can change is ourselves and that is a BIG job.
Pilar Ertl says
I don’t think my husband “loves” me anymore. He has had 2 affairs (15 years apart), we have been married for almost 29 years
He’s not attracted to me because he claims I am a nun.
I want to please God in every way I can… I know he hates divorce.
Please help.
Andrew G. Marshall says
I’m sorry to hear about your husband’s affair. It must be very painful – especially as it has happened before. I don’t feel qualified to discuss what God wants but I would invite you to think about what you want. Do you want to try and save the relationship because you love your husband or see something that makes you want to fight for your husband? If that is the case, I would suggest reading ‘My husband doesn’t love me and he’s texting someone else’. However, I think your heart has to be in it because the journey ahead is a tough one.