A Reader Writes…
I was looking for help on the web, as I felt devastated and depressed last night, when I came across your website and its archives. I have not read your books but after reading the archives I definitely plan to buy the one, you suggest, that could help me cope up. My problem is not much different – it’s been 6 months of heartache that I have been suffering. Six months back my husband just came back from an official trip and stopped talking.
When I tried asking and got angry on no response he said he doesn’t feel “connected” with me anymore. This was shocking as I have loved him too much and I can’t imagine a life without him. Moreover, ours is a 5 yr plus marriage but we know each other for 11-12 years now… And in all these years he has many times said no one can love me more than he does! Just before he went on that trip he expressed his love… I do know deep down that he did love me… So it was impossible to believe my ears when he said that.
He started keeping to himself with not even a word in the evenings or weekends… This got me suspicious and I found that he was texting a girl in his team… The messages were flirtatious from the girl’s side… But she is his subordinate so there’s no way she could do that without some form of encouragement or relationship on ground. When I confronted him he denied and said it he is fed up of my suspicious nature and that he would like to leave me! I just want to inform that his secrecy made me curious otherwise am not of suspicious nature in general.
On many occasions I found email exchanges between them hinting at a relationship going on… My neighbors even saw them come home in office hours when I was gone to work! He even goes and meets her on weekends. But whenever I confronted him he just denied the whole thing. Rather says that he never wanted to marry me as he realized it much before marriage that I am not the one he would want to be with. He says my mom asked him to marry me as her last wish during her cancer therapy… And so he did it for her but now he cannot take it anymore. Every time I confront him about the girl or the current disconnect he tries and turns the discussion towards our marriage against his will!
What about the 5 years we were happy in between? He has no answer.
He also says he has been feeling the disconnect from the beginning of the marriage but couldn’t say it for the fear of hurting me but doesn’t want to cause further damage and now wants a life that he wants to live. I cannot express in words how hard it has been for me to listen all this and “you don’t mean anything to me” “I don’t feel anything for you” – from a man I have loved whole heartedly for so many years. He is my first love.
When we went for marriage counseling, he stated that he fell out of love when he went abroad the first time… When he came back he realized I have not moved on and he on the other hand had experienced the world. He says he did say he doesn’t want to marry me but then gave in to my mother’s request. My memory is completely different. I did recheck with my childhood friend if I remember correctly – when he said he doesn’t want to marry I did move on… I was about to meet a guy and finalize things but then this guy’s family came running that our son loves your daughter and lets talk about the wedding…! So I wonder where’s the “favor” aspect he is talking about.
Moreover despite his denials I cannot forget all he proofs that have emerged from his mails.. He also said in the counseling that he finds our relationship lacking in intimacy, passion in public display of affection… I was very hurt to hear those words from him coz it wasn’t completely true. Most often it was I who used to crave for his hugs and to get physical but he always turned down my asks stating tiredness as the most common reason. When I confronted him with this fact he said he never loved me and so never felt passionate! And about all the good moments we did have, he says sometimes he did make love to me just to satisfy and end my complaints.
We did have happy five years as I remember but his memory of them is completely opposite.
I have tried understanding his point as well and have tried to just hang on. But my question to you is: is it worth holding on to? Is there any hope?
Last night he said I want to live my life the way I want and you live the way you want… If you want divorce we can do that, else we can live like this… He even said he would never come back to the relationship for sure.
Basically I feel he wants me to take action… He doesn’t realise how much I love him and how much it hurts. He sometimes says he doesn’t know what to do, and is equally confused – while repeatedly denying the other woman (says she is a Friend and confidante I like).
I love him dearly and it hurts to see him so detached in just 6 months… What should I do? Wait and try and save it or should I believe him that he is not gonna come back and leave him? I feel like killing myself as I never imagined a life without him – so loveless, so lonely, so insecure. My husband says he never loved me and I don’t know what to do.
I’m very concerned about your letter, especially that you feel like killing yourself and feel so lonely and insecure. You definitely need help. I hope my books will help but you need something more. Perhaps you could go back to your counsellor or speak to your doctor.
I’m also concerned about the bleakness of his story about your relationship. In other words he never wanted to marry. I’m afraid it’s typical of men in affairs to rewrite history to try and justify themselves. There is no point debating the past – and whether he ever did love you or not – because it gets you nowhere and it just drives him away. It’s also pointless debating whether he’s having a full blown affair or just having an inappropriate friendship. It makes no difference, they’re equally dangerous and both of them undermine your relationship.
At the bottom of all of this, you need to decide how he detached himself, and express your love in a way that he’ll understand and listen to. That’s why I’d also like you to look at My Wife Doesn’t Love Me Anymore as it explains my basic programme for winning back a spouse.
So, don’t despair. Learn more about how you got into this hole, take it one step at a time and please, look after yourself.