My Husband Says I’m Controlling Him

A Reader Writes…

I love him and I know for a fact that he loves me too. But I think my husband has anger and inferiority problems but he doesn’t want to admit and get help.

He gets angry about anything, no matter how small it is. He yells and doesn’t talk respectfully. He doesn’t approve of any idea or suggestion coming from me saying I’m controlling him, and do not make him feel like a man.

He will never apologise for his actions, he only becomes defensive and angry  and never apologises.  He is always right, I always make him angry. He is not appreciative of anything I do or say.

Andrew Replies…

There is one central idea that I hope will change your who attitude and transform your relationship.

So what’s this “central idea”?  From where we’re standing everything we do makes sense.  Everything we say to our partner 100% true.

So let’s look at the situation from your point of view.  From where you’re standing, your husband is angry.  You try to help him and he just gets more angry.  You make helpful suggestions and he says you’re controlling him.  No wonder fed up because  he doesn’t appreciate anything you do.

Let’s look at things from his point of view.  He can’t do anything without you getting onto his back or telling me he’s doing it wrong.  No wonder he’s going to be defensive and not particularly co-operative because, hang on, you think he’s the problem, you are trying to control him.

As you can see, it is rather a bleak situation. So how are you going to meet in the middle because that’s the only way to solve this problem?  Well, I think a good start would be reading some of my books.  I would particularly like you to read I Love You But I’m Not in Love with You because it has one central idea in the book: Every problem is “six of one and half a dozen of the other”.

Now I know you’re going to say that in our circumstances are different, but I’ve spent almost 30 years having couples and I’ve yet to find a couple where this is not the case.

I’ve got a third idea for you to think about: You can’t change other people, you can only change yourself.  So at the moment your husband is not going to read any books that you think are helpful but if you start to change yourself, you will change the way that he responds to you.

If he feels that you’re going to be more loving towards him and he’s going to begin to open up himself.  I’ve got advice on this in Help Your Partner Say Yes.

I know this is going to be a horrible letter to read but I hope it will help to turn round your relationship and that, ultimately, when you’ve stopped being angry with me, you will decide that I’ve not so mad or dangerous after all.

A fresh perspective is always better than someone saying “yes, you’re right, he’s a horrible man.  Leave him”  which I suspect is the sort of advice you’ve been getting elsewhere.

Good luck.  Be strong and find out more.