A Reader Writes…
I have read so many of your blogs and listen to your radio articles and a lot helps when I am in an anxious period but I think what I need to read next is your new book which is not yet ready. My husband and I are in crisis. The short of it is he was unhappy for years and never really told me although I knew we were not in a good place. He had an affair and fell in love. He told me he does not love me any more.
We have been married 25 years with three children. The affair started 18 months ago and he has left her and come home twice and even took a job abroad to try on our marriage but then he said he can not stop thinking about her and the last time he was happy was when he was with her. He has not totally committed to making the marriage work as he won’t let me in. I held off with overt affection at his request to give him time. This seems to have back fired as we have not been able to get close or talk (although no problem with ‘sex’). He kept making excuses as to when we were going to talk. He immerses himself in work and chores to avoid personal daytime together and is not totally himself when we are together. He seems withdrawn.
He said he had not been in contact with her for the last 6 months ( I don’t know if this is true or not especially as he has lied before) and he recently told me two weeks after the second time he finished with her he went to see her and they slept together before telling her he had to work on his marriage so he if he did leave it would be with a clear conscience that he had tried everything properly. He has not started to do that. We did start talking a few weeks ago and we ended up ‘agreeing’ he needed space so I came back to UK which was 2 weeks ago. The last night together was lovely actually and we snuggled up on the sofa and came close and the next morning he actually broke down which he hasn’t done for a long while and said he knows that there is a chance and he hasn’t given up on us but he still needed the space so I still left.
I have another three weeks before I go back to see if he has had enough ‘space’. He said he may need to contact her as there is ‘unfinished business’. I said that that will make me his back up plan which he denies but how can I not be? I told him I will stand by him and want this marriage to work and doing everything I can but I won’t share him and be second choice. What does he hope to achieve by making contact that is not obvious?
I am a gibbering wreck desperate to get him back and have really really tried not to bombard him with sentiments but it is so hard as I love him so much. Yes I was not a great person to live with and he said over the years he was slowly worn down and the love for me slowly dissipated but I have changed a lot and know there is still work to do and he has acknowledged the huge change but he says he can not seem to get those feelings of love back. But how can he if he doesn’t let me in and totally shut her out? How can I get him to see how he is acting like an addict, possibly depressed and that with work we can find love again with me.
I am scared that giving him space will allow him to get in contact with her, and I have no idea if she will take him back but I suspect she would as they seemed to be in love and did all those romantic things I always wanted. Lots of kissing and cuddling and telling each other how much they love each other etc when he left previously he went and stayed with her for a few weeks each time but said he came back as he could not bring himself to leave because I was such a wreck, he would break up his family, I would be left with nothing, he could not cope with the pain he was causing me. He can not bear the pain he was causing her either. He actually wished he had two parallel lives. That way he keeps it all and does not have to make a decision.
He says he cares deeply for me and is sorry for hurting me but does not seem remorseful for what he has done. He said he was always the giver and now he was doing something for himself. He saw her daily but usually for coffee or lunch and any over-nights or sex was sporadic. Our sex life has always been good and we fancy each other but communication was non existent really. Always too scared to cause an argument yet bickered lots or I would sulk and give silent treatment. We tried counselling but he was obviously lying all through that as he had not stopped seeing her even though I thought he had. He admits he felt valued and admired and important when he was with her and I know I needed to do that. I felt it but did not show it. All I want is a chance to make it all better. Where do I go from here? How do I stop myself from writing all my feelings down for him. I already have in the past and he knows quite clearly how I feel and has almost a books worth of my soul searching, and declarations of love.
Due to his job, if we separated properly or divorce I loose everything. House, lifestyle, social life, etc. I gave everything up for him and we had a great ‘perfect ‘family unit but it has been hell for 18 months. I am becoming agoraphobic. I was outgoing, lively, very flirty which was also a factor that emasculated him and I did cross the line a few times but he knows and says he forgave me. He has had a few inappropriate relationships as well where it appears in our unhappy times we looked for others to make us feel good instead of confronting the issues. But in all of this I have always loved him and was crying out for affection and attention.
Out of 25 years married and 28 years together all have been great I think but the last 6 years have been turmoil. Any help would be appreciated as I do not want to ruin any chance I have of a reconciliation by being needy and not doing what he wants which is giving him space. And how to move forward and even try to get him to see his behaviour is almost text book and he can move on if he would only read or listen to what the experts say and then try and work on his marriage with 100% commitment. But I have to stop telling him how to think. I am not prepared to give up on us. I have spoken to friends which I know you say is frustrating but one in particular had a marriage crisis 10x worse than mine but they worked it through and so her advice has been very helpful and insightful. He has no one to talk to except me or her.
Andrew writes:
My goodness, it does seem that I’m writing my next book especially for you! I It’s certainly for anyone stuck in the nightmare scenario of “My husband will not stop seeing his mistress but doesn’t want to leave our marriage.”
However, don’t worry there’s a lot of material that I’ve already published that will help you understand what’s gone wrong and start your fight back. I also have ONE idea that you need to take on board if you’re going to save this marriage.
Let’s start with how you got into this mess. We feels that he is a giver – always doing what’s best for the family and discounting or neglecting his needs. (There is only so long you can carry on like this before you explode in an act of extreme selfishness – i.e. an affair).
I call this behaviour being passive – i.e. his needs, wants and beliefs were of no importance and everybody else’s of supreme importance. What I want is for him to be assertive – i.e. his needs and important and so are yours (and you can negotiate if there is a clash).
I explain all about this in I Love You but You Always Put Me Last and if you’ve had a ‘perfect’ family my suspicion is that you’ve both put the children first (and your marriage will have suffered). Please start here.
In addition, I’d like you read I Love You but I’m Not in Love With You because that explains the toxic effect of not arguing – because it means that all feelings are suppressed and suppression leads to depression. The other book is How Can I Ever Trust You Again? which explains why people have affairs (often because of unattended I love you but…)
So what’s this one idea to take on board? It’s something I see a lot with ‘other woman’ hanging around in the background. The wife thinks, not unreasonably, how can we begin to bond if she’s in the picture? So she puts all her energy – not into fixing the original problem – but trying to winkle the other woman out.
Guess what? It puts her centre stage and gives her more power than she really has. Worse still, the wife uses tears, anger, recriminations and shame to try and force the husband to act. Guess what? This just builds a bigger wall between them. Before long a crisis has escalated into a soap opera into a catastrophe. The man thinks ‘we’ve been working on the marriage and getting nowhere, so I must leave’ and the wife complains ‘but we haven’t even started because SHE’S IN THE WAY’.
I think the fundamental problem is that when people look at their marriage problems, they want to concentrate on the nice stuff – trying to get close again (ie more cuddles, nights out etc). However, they don’t want to look at the nasty stuff (i.e. acknowledge the anger and unexpressed upset or work on changing the communication) because it’s hard, dangerous and frightening.
So here’s my ONE thought – concentrate on sorting out the communication – being assertive, keeping calm and reporting your feelings. In this way, you will be taking down the wall between you one brick at a time (with each positive interaction). So stop trying to get close and concentrate on dismantling the wall and removing the rubble.
I know you’re thinking: what about the other woman? Once the two of you are talking properly and you’re not doing: ‘I hate you /don’t leave me’ – it’s likely that he won’t need to off load onto her so much. Even if he does use ‘space’ to have more contact, it will not necessarily be a disaster. The vast majority of affairs deflate once they are tested in the real world. Remember she is a symptom of your six years of problem – not the cause – she is only a major problem if you make her one. If you want some more reassurance, the vast majority of men who leave for ‘other woman’ don’t end up with them.
So instead of trying to change your husband or his mistress, concentrate on changing yourself (because that’s the only person that ultimately have any control over). Fortunately, you’ve already started on this journey – congratulations on telling yourself not to tell your husband want to think – but concentrate on all your energy into fixing you (and nipping the acrophobia in the bud) and becoming the best version of yourself possible.
Update: My Husband Doesn’t Love Me and He’s Texting Someone Else was released in 2014.
Susanne says
My situation is very similar to the above. My husband had an affair for a year with a younger woman, much younger. Same situation he felt taken for granted and unwanted. He felt he always put everyone ahead of himself and now he is doing what is best for him. I only recently found out 4 months ago. I discovered it with pictures of the 2 of them on our home computer. He initially wanted out wanted me to kick him out so he could start his life with this much younger girl. I say younger she is the same age as my oldest daughter, well within 5 years.
I had noticed with in the last year that he was pulling away, becoming distant. He seemed unhappy. I had asked him multiple times over the last 9 months if he was unhappy or if there was someone else. He said he was stressed at work and didn’t know what he wanted in life. He always denied anyone else. Said he would never do that to me, he was not that type of guy. He did say in April that he was not in love with me anymore and we should try a separation. That devastated me. I started reading books and started to evaluate myself. I know I was distant and did not show my love for him enough. I know I was depressed and also had another underlying medical problem. I have since acknowledged to him that I know I did not treat him well but I was never unhappy in our marriage and could not imagine life without him. He has noticed the Change in me since the beginning of the year but wishes I would have done this earlier. The more time that went on the more he fell in love with the mistress. She lives in another country so when they meet up it is while he is in the road staying in a town multiple days. Most of there relationship has been via text, emails and phone calls. He says she gave him what I wasn’t anymore. She would tell him how proud she was of him, made him feel loved, wanted and good about himself. All while this was going on he would tell me he was depressed, very unhappy and suicidal.
Since the discovery of the affair he has threatened suicide a couple times, I have been able to talk to him and get him help. He started out telling me he was going to start a life with her and wanted out of our marriage. We went to one marriage counseling and he did not like the therapist. Said if he had to make a decision that day he would leave me and that is it. He since then has told me multiple times they were not talking anymore and that she stepped away. Not true at all. They still communicated daily multiple times. He even met up with her for a week to break it off. That never happened. They still continued behind my back. He moved out for a couple weeks. During this time they fought off and on. He one day decided that he wanted to live back in and give us another try. We had gone to another therapist once before this and he actually liked him. After moving back in we have been going once a week, even doing FaceTime sessions while he was on the road. He really seems to be liking the therapy. And doing all the homework and says things are going really well. Before he left out in the road I received a email from the OW apologizing for everything but also attached email correspondence of their conversations since he moved back in. He would still tell her how much he loved her and that she was the best, most beautiful, amazing person he has ever met and he didn’t know how he would ever be happy without her. He said he at that point called her and confronted her on why she would do that to me, apologized to me for hurting me yet again and that it was really over this time. She of course denied sending me the email even though I forwarded it to him. I brought this up in therapy when I received the email and he was angry and said yes he did miss her and that he did love her. I brought it up because he was still lying.
Move forward to this last month. I found out he was still having some contact with her off and on even though he blocked her. Ok foindbthe receipt for flowers and 2 gifts he sent her for her birthday with notes attached saying how much he loved her and that she was the most beautiful, amazing, best person he has ever met again! Ugh I have asked him if he sent her anything but he denied it. I have not told him yet I have seen the receipt. I also saw they had correspondence on her birthday but it was not good. She was angry with him because he told her we were in therapy together, angry because he told her he didn’t feel the same way she felt for him anymore. And he told her he didn’t want her anymore. She did continue to beg for him to still love her and want to be with her. I do not know if there has been anymore communication but she is very persistent.
With all of that being said and I know I was all over the place, I don’t know know if I just continue to keep moving forward and hope this is truely over between them. He still has not told me he loves me or shown me much. I need that to feel more secure in what we are doing. We have gone on 2 long weekends together and also spend every evening when he is home together. We have started holding hands more, small kisses here and there, hugs and sex. All of these I initiate 90% of the time. I would like to meet him out in the road but he still has not confirmed yes or no on that. Any suggestions would be helpful. I have read How can I ever trust you again and the book on how to fall in love again, I think it is called let’s start over.
Andrew G. Marshall says
Take it slowly. It is truly early days. Expect slip-ups because she will be persistent. (She probably comes from a damaged and complicated background – otherwise she wouldn’t think that a much older married man is going to save her.) Take everything he wrote with a bucket load of salt because ‘you’re the love of my life’ and ‘you’re the most beautiful woman in the world’ is what men write when they’re having an affair. It’s a bit like dogs barking and cats lying in the sun… that’s what they do. I’m glad you’re in therapy because you’ll be able to get the root of the problems. Have a look at ‘It’s not a midlife crisis, it’s an affair’ because that will explain the madness of his behaviour and why it takes a while for the fog in his brain to clear. You will also learn new ways to communicate which will transform your relationship. Keep calm, be kind to yourself and it will get better.
Susanne says
Thank you for the advise. I take it depression is going to make this a lot worse. I ask this because things are going well, well I thought they were but he has been beating himself up daily and pushing me away. Somedays he is not sure if he wants to continue to try. It is very discouraging. I know we are early into this but I am getting confused by the back and forth.
Also where do I find “it’s not a midlife crisis, it’s an affair”
Andrew G. Marshall says
You will find ‘It’s not a midlife crisis, it’s an OPPORTUNITY’ on amazon. I think the reason why you didn’t find it is that you probably typed in the wrong title.
Missy says
What about if he had left and moved in with mistress? He says he hates me and I am a horrible person.. I believe with all of my heart he has a sex addiction. I try to distance myself but he still won’t work agree to a divorce.
Andrew G. Marshall says
But what you want is equally important. If you want a divorce because your husband is living with another woman, you should go ahead – regardless of what he wants.
Martha says
Why are you still with him? If it’s not her, he will repeat this cycle with another woman. When I was a much younger woman trapped in my first relationship and miserable, I did cheat and continued even when he discovered that I was cheating up until we split up. Let him go because you only live once and being married to a man like this who is clearly miserable being with you won’t do any good for either of you. Get out or accept the situation. It’s not suppose to be easy to divorce, but in the long run it’ll be worth it. Trust me, it won’t get better. You’ll be stuck in a vicious cycle in this marriage. He will stop seeing her and then slip and see her again and if they split, he will find another woman.
June says
Here’s the bottom line – because I’ve been there as the wife. The scary part of opening up communication is that you may find your spouse no longer wants to be with you. And if that’s the case, there is NOTHING you can do about it. If his mind is made up, it’s been made up for years.
It’s been said the divorce occurs long before the court and paperwork proceedings start. I’d say that’s absolutely true. And while it hurts like hell to get divorced, you may find that if you are really honest with yourself .. you already knew your lives were headed in different directions. This is why communication STOPPED .. because no one wants to hear the words, “I want out of this marriage.”
It’s not about the other woman (and I dealt with that too..) it’s about where BOTH you and your spouse want to be married to each other. And honest communication with each other may confirm that. And if so – let him go. You can’t force someone to stay with you if they just aren’t in it any more.
Andrew G. Marshall says
Thank you for sharing your experiences. It is good to reach a place where you can stand back and look at the long picture. All the best for the next chapter of your life.
Cynthia says
My husband and I have been married for 20 years together for 22. In the beginning we were inseparable. Everyday together. Things were fine, we always seemed like our marriage was challenged but it seemed to always bring us together. In June 2017 I had to come take care of my Mom…she has Dementia and could not live alone. Things seemed fine. Them winter came and my hubby moved in for the winter. In March 2018 someone broke into our home so he moved back there. Our sex life was always fine, but in the time he left it turned strained. I found him in our home in May with another women. Freaked out…he says he l8ves me and wants our marriage to work. But he continues to see her and even sleeps there at night. We have always been financially strained. I haven’t worked in 13 years. Quit job to raise our son. Now he throws that in my face. That’s one of the reasons he did what he did. He felt lonely and and needed to feel wanted. Told him I love him and would do anything for him to stay. So…I got a job and he still won’t stop seeing her. He says he wants me to come home. i still do everything I can for him. Give hom money if he needs it cook for him laundry anything he needs. But he still runs to her every night. She does nothing for him. He tells me she says things like, if you cheat on your wife, you’ll cheat on me. Offers to give me pills to calm my nerves. This has been going on for about 3 months now. I’m going crazy. I don’t eat, sleep. Its starting to effect our 13 year old son. He never was a very open person, I usually have to dig things out of him. He said its hard to break it off with her. I yell him if she’s still in the picture we’ll never have time to mend us. He will not do it. He’s said he will but hasn’t. I’m at my wits end. I’ve done everything I said I would do…got a job, looking for a place for Mom…just need him to do his part. How can he live me and still hurt me so bad? He even told me, “I’m treating you like the girlfriend and her like the wife”. Please I need to know what to do. My family and friends say to dump him. But I love him so much, he and my son are my whole world. Can’t imagine living without him. He says he doesn’t love the OW. Told my son he’s using her. But he’s lied before. What can I do now?
Andrew G. Marshall says
I know this is completely overwhelming and the despair comes through with every word that you write. It sounds like your husband is aware how much pain he is causing but he’s so caught up in the drama that he can’t see whether he is coming or going. What would happen if you could find a way to reach a calmer place? It could be that you could have a calmer conversation with your husband. It could be that the two of you could begin to talk calmly about what happens next? I’d love you to read about the drama triangle in my book ‘Wake Up and Change Your Life’. You might also like to join my Infidelity Survival Training and Support Group. I will be posting details on this website in September.
Susanne says
June your advice is spot on. After three years of living a nightmare of denials and rejection, I can finally see very clearly that he has moved on emotionally. I need to find a new life for myself, a new start. I am a great person, I am loving and kind and generous. One day he will realise what he has walked away from to be with someone who is totally self absorbed.
Annienne Nel says
My husband has this affair with his niece, his mothers, brothers granddaughter, she is married, and a problem in my marriage. My husband is bipolar and he believes that they are twin soul flames. I told her husband what was going on, and it has now exploded in my face. My husband moved out and she is in control and her husband don’t seem to mind what is going on with them two. Perhaps he is also dealing with the same stresses as I do. We have a good marriage and good to one another, care well for each other, and the sex part is a problem due to the medication he has to take to keep the manic episodes at bay, but we work around it. He says he loves her, they have a emotional bond, the are more than just friends. Finding messaging material where they are having texting sex was a big shock to me. When I ask my husband what she really is to him, he will explain, she is a:” addiction, heroine for his soul, a hobby, he can’t live without her, she uplifts him, she is his therapy”, His mommy passed away and he had not mourned her passing, but he mourn as he can’t live without her. He refuse to cut ties and they are driving me mad. Every evening at a certain time it is their time, they message and her husband has banded them from calling each other, but it is all happening anyway. We are in a crises and really need advice on what to do. Our counselor said he must leave the house, and find him else where to live, seeing that his behavior is causing emotional stress to me. The niece is married and not sure what this is and how I can deal with the problem. This is going on for 9 months now and taking it’s toll. My husband now want to divorce because I won’t allow him to continue with their exclusive coffees and messaging at night. We can’t even go watch a movie as even that is pressured for the time frame to be home to ensure he does not disappoint her. She is 16 years younger and a nasty woman, had slandered me, and I think she enjoys what she is achieving in this marriage.
Please can you help
Andrew G. Marshall says
He is addicted to this woman. He is using her to self-medicate his grief for the loss of his mother (and probably a lot of other stuff too). You can’t reason with an addict. You are just wasting your breath and harming your sanity. I would suggest that you follow your therapist’s advice. I would also talk to your therapist about whether you have become co-dependent. In other words, are you so busy trying to sort out his life that you are avoiding looking at things that need to change in your life. It could explain why you feel so stuck…
Ildiko says
First my story, not too original but no less painful for me, for everyone involved. My husband of 17 years having an emotional affair for 20 months (I discovered it 12 months ago) with his highschool girlfriend from our homeland who he thought that time was his soulmate but she left him after a short time. She has a husband and 3 adult kids (she doesn’t love her husband anymore , she finished with him at least she claims but not divorcing him either and the affair is well hidden from her husband – this informations filtered through my husband but he says they’re are not really talking about each other’s home life, both of them have to deal with their home situation separately, they are not responsible for the others marriage or divorce). They met the summer of 2016 in a reunion back home and after they haven’t even met in person or been in the same country. They have been in daily contact with each other via email, chat and calls ever since and they are dreaming/talking about meeting in person and maybe starting a life together on and off but both has their old life with ties , but it appears the women is ready to move if my husband chooses her. My husband tells me over and over; he can’t end the affair because maybe it could be something big, new, different (not better), getting back the one “who get away”, the one he thought the ONE when he was 18 and the possibility losing it feels unbearable for him right how. He knows- at least he tells me he knows- that he doesn’t know the love they feel real or for the women this is just an escape from unhappiness and for him just validation for the feelings for 35 years ago or just a case of the “I can’t have it” I want it badly! He knows it’s a kind of addiction for him …. maybe , but what if?
But he can’t end our marriage, life together either because he loves me , claims I did nothing to cause the affair, I’m a fantastic wife, person, he still find me desairable, my only shortcoming is I’m not that women from the highschool years. He values our fantastic family (we have a wonderful 13 year old daughter together and 2 fantastic adult children from my first marriage)and he loves the life we created together and the possibility of losing it feels unbearable for him right now too! But he doesn’t want to stay for the wrong reasons either, just for responsibility , being the good guy always ( but this is what my husband is a genuine good guy, responsible, always hated cheaters) or not willing to risk because it is comfortable, safe.
So my side, I still deeply love him,I want to save our marriage, keep together our family. I truly think it’s worthy of saving and making it even better, happier than before, coming out from this stronger and together. And I’m aware of that I too have choice, I can decide to end the marriage anytime but even now in the middle of this mess we have really good times together and I could fell the connection, the real love…I know this are just crumbs I got , big ones but crumbs and the whole cake is more and right now nobody has the whole cake. We have lots of honest conversation about the situation, our feelings, problems… we got much closer than before, know about each other more. Meantime I’m waiting more or less patiently something to happen but everything is the same , it’s always goes back to he can’t choose, he wants both. So I got “everything” that is family life except he has this huge emotional connection with someone else on the side and of course its hurts, somedays worst then others … so really nothing new under the sun, this happened with lots of good marriage, good people. I constantly trying to work on myself, my fears and anger and find the way to grow from the experience , to communicate better and get to the root of our problems…and I found your website and books and your advices are truly speeking to me, especially this one… it’s like finally got some guidance that’s resonate with my soul and give me hope!
Do you think this advices in this article is applicable to my situation too? Or you have some other advance for me?
In the last year I went through all the stages like huge anger( at least finally I learned to show anger), crying for hours, talking to my husband logically trying to reason but all made me better for just a couple of hour( if) and of course nothing happened ! Now I’m in a really calm place I don’t even understand how it’s happened and try to work from this place still not giving up hope!
Andrew G. Marshall says
I think the most telling part of all this is “my only shortcoming is I’m not that women from the highschool years” because the real problem is that he is no longer the boy / man from his highschool years too. More often that not, these time-busting affairs are not so much about getting back the ‘teenage’ love but him being a teenager again – with all the possibilities for the future that involves. So the real question is not…. which woman should I chose but WHY DOES MY LIFE NOT MAKE SENSE ANY MORE? I would throw in a whole lot more: Who am I? What gives my life meaning? What would I like do differently in my relationships? Can I ask for what I need? What’s stopping me from asking? (Because just swapping relationships will not resolve anything if he doesn’t make the necessary changes himself.) So summing up, I think this woman is the tip of the iceberg. There are probably issues going back a long way that need to be sorted out. She feels like an addiction because she is – just like – getting drunk, providing a temporary reprieve and not addressing the real problem (plus you have the hangover and distress to your real life too). If he wants to look at the real issues might be, I would suggest ‘It’s not a midlife crisis, it’s an opportunity’. If you want to be calm in the meantime – because this is not really about you – look at my book ‘Wake Up and Change Your Life’.
Ildiko says
Thank you Mr Marshall for replying and giving me some really good points about this whole hopeless-endless looking situation! I’m really hoped you will give me some kind of “road map” I could use to navigate, follow and it would help me and my husband too arrive to the end quicker, happier, more whole. But looks like I have to wait until he is able or/and willing to look inside himself, ask some hard, deep questions and find some answers. Unfortunately I don’t see much hope for that he truly thinks it’s all about choosing between two women, two life !
I read your books (I think most of them except the one about midlife crisis) and find all of them really eye-opening, logical but I have a huge problem applying the advices to my situation if you could give me a few starting points that would be wonderful, thank you again!
Andrew G. Marshall says
Glad I could be of help. You might like to join my Infidelity Survival Training and Support Group (which I’m launching in September). I am offering free membership to between five and ten people while I am beta testing how it works. Let me know if you are interested and if I can use your email address to contact you.
Ildiko says
Yes I would love to join
Andrew G. Marshall says
Great. Someone from will be in contact with you.
Kavitha says
hi Andrew,
Your thoughts address my situation as it is.
I have been married for 13 yrs .Our marriage has had its own ups and downs, but our life was ours all the while.
Over past 2.5 yrs, my husband has been seeing another woman from his office, who is also a colleague at his office for past 7 yrs. I am unsure how it all started , but it has come to a point where our lives are not the same anymore. My sons are 8 and 4 yrs , seeing them marred with this situation at home is heartbreaking. His attitude towards marriage changed 2 yrs ago and when he said he had something to tell me, I asked him if he was having an affair and this was in April 2017. However, it took him another month to tell me that he ‘likes’ a woman, but did not tell me any further details about it. This news was enough to drive me mad and over last yr, I have found his chat messages on his laptop that indicated he has gone very ahead in this relationship. But not until last week, I found out he has been sleeping with her all the while I was trying my best to make our marriage work. He has no emotion to care for my pain. I decided not to give him anymore money and changed bank password two days ago.
Same things happened last yr, but then I had not realized things were this bad until 10 days ago. He says how to fulfill commitments we have together ? it hurts he thinks about the money when our marriage is verge of destruction.
That woman as I hear from my husband has left her husband to be with mine and I am not sure what they are planning.
They were married for 8 yrs, but according to my husband, she left him for mine . All seems to be fine from her spouse’s end as i do not get to hear any truth from my husband.
My husband is very good with the kids and they cannot live without their father. My feeling which i believe is true – , this other woman has problems conceiving children and their marriage was not doing well and my husband was a trigger to whole thing.
So, she tries very much to get closer to my children. She has not met any of us, but when i got to chat with her from my husband’s mobile, she told me that my husband wont appreciate me talking to her. She said she needs his permission to talk to me. These two people has sketched out a plan to be together and me and my children are only pawns the whole time.
I told him several times to leave us, but he is bent on staying with us. He says his work keeps him very busy, but there is no way to believe him in all that he speaks. He cannot understand my pain but he has hinted to me he will not leave her at any cost.
Though every morning I hope this is my worst nightmare, these bad things dont seize happening.
I cannot come to terms that my husband whom I love so much and is been there in my heart can do this to me and it is really happening.Today he said never to talk about her and he will leave her.
Today, we are two different people and our oneness he gave away to another woman without even asking.
Andrew G. Marshall says
I am sorry to hear your story. My advice would be to keep talking, keep listening (and making certain that you’re not just hearing what you FEAR or conversely what you WANT to hear) and to read my book ‘My husband doesn’t love me and he’s texting someone else’. It will help you to keep calm and provide strategies for keeping sane in an insane time.
Kavitha says
hi Andrew,
Thanks for your suggestion.
Sure, I will read this book.
I am waiting for two of your books to be delivered from Amazon 🙂
Thanks for healing troubled people across the world. Your blog did give me lots of hope.
– Kavitha
Andrew G. Marshall says
Glad I’ve been able to help. You might like to join my Infidelity Survival Training and Support Group (which I’m launching in September). I am offering free membership to between five and ten people while I am beta testing how it works. Let me know if you are interested and if I can use your email address to contact you.
Kavitha says
Yes Andrew I am interested.
Andrew G. Marshall says
Great. Someone from my team will be contacting you soon.
Tina says
I have been married for 18 years. On our 10th year (2010) I found out my husband cheated on me while I was working overseas and he was left with our two kids back home. I asked him to choose between Her and US, he chose to be with our family and we decided that we all live together- My Husband and 2 kids moved overseas and live with me. I was able to forgive him even after I found He had a child with his mistress. I accepted and forgave him knowing the fact that We are oceans away and there’s no way they can see each other physically.
We started a new life and we manage to make a good life after that at least from my perspective.
Then 7 years after (2017) I found out he cheated in me again, and this time he has 2 kids with his mistress. They’ve been seeing each other for nearly 8years. He goes to them after his works and spends short time with then before coming home to our house.
We talked about it again, I never resorted to anger or rage every time I confronted him about HIS LIES. I always try my best to communicate what I truly feel inside whether he understands me or not.
He asked for forgiveness again Promised to that He will end their relationship. He also said, he only sees them because of the kids.
I decided to accept him again and try to work this out once more, but I am really finding it difficult to Trust His stories every time he says “I’ll be staying a little longer at work because…” or “I’ll be meeting someone -work trips…” etc.
I confronted him about this and told him how I feel but he always tells me that I should trust him and he is a “changed person now”. He asked me to stop reminding him of his mistakes because I am only pushing him away.
This makes me feel even worst about the whole Cheating Saga of my married life.
Am I wrong in asking him about his schedule? Should I stop confronting him when I notice similar Lying-patterns from the past?
Andrew G. Marshall says
There is no right or wrong when recovering from an affair. But if you feel seeing his schedule would help, by all means ask for it. If you feel he is lying again… I would suggest talking to him. However, I am concerned that he is a People Pleaser. He tells you what he thinks will keep you happy (because he can’t bear to disappoint) and he means it while he is talking to you. But then, he speaks to the other woman and wants to please her…. and guess what he does what she wants too. As you can imagine, he ends up deeper into the mess (and with two children with the OW). I doubt this will be sorted without getting professional help… couple counselling with allow the two of you to talk this through and find a workable solution because lying to each of you is not going to work.
Pauline says
I have been in a similar position ( still am). Initially I tried to be very compassionate and understanding. Did anything to keep him. Our marriage has been wonderful except for his mid life crisis. We agreed he would stay and although he tried, I could feel he was still in love with someone else. It was awful, i had to physically stop myself clinging to him and weeping all the time.. Then I found out she was calling him, trying to determine what is happening at home etc. he was taking her calls because he didnt want yo seem rude (?!)
This was the moment of change. I flipped my mindset and decided I actually no longer wanted him. I realised I would rather just have the kids and peace and quiet from this non stop heartbreak. The minute I told him to get lost and said I didn’t want him anymore, he freaked out and called her in front of me to tell her to stop, he promised to move away if I really wanted it but he would come over to be with me each day etc etc the point is, once i truly accepted and decided I don’t want him around and started to return a few of the mental slaps, he pulled himself together, started trying and I think it attracts men when they see you can live happily without them. It is important to stay in that mental state of “go, if you want! My life will be great without you. If you want to stay, that’s great too but you have to win me back. I am not a sure thing anymore”. This is my mantra now. I think it is about taking back the power. It has reversed roles between us. Now he is behaving like he can’t live without me. It’s all in the mind. Why would I want to stay on with someone who callously hurts me? No person is worth taking that treatment from. I had to be a bit harsh and rather rude, but the indifference worked because he snapped out of it pretty quickly. Sometimes a bit of a shock can really focus a husband’s mind – after all, cheating and hurting your wife and wallowing in your little problems is nothing compared to the feeling that you are suddenly no longer wanted or required anymore as a person. You become futile and that is pretty frightening for anyone I suppose..
Andrew G. Marshall says
Thanks for sharing your experiences.
Anne says
Worst advice ever, after many opportunities make your adjustments and leave. He cannot have his cake and eat it too. I speaks from experience, 7 years of the back and forth, he lost respect for me in the end as I wouldn’t leave. I filed fir divorce, it’s my only hope to get him back us to now dump him. PS, he’s still with his mistress, I’m getting a life, I deserve better
Simon says
Andrew,
I found out my wife has had two affairs over the last year, one physical the other emotional. The physical affair has ended after confronting her, but I recently found out there was another guy. Over the last three months she was talking to two other men simultaneously. I think made a fatal mistake by confronting my wife and sending a message to her emotional connection via social media. They both blocked me on the platform immediately after.
I feel like she is living a double life the last 12months.
My wife is very passive and she never opens up. I’ve read ILYB and my wife doesnt love me anymore.
I know she is going through a lot but how can I help her communicate? In 7yrs we’ve never had a fight. We bicker here and there but that was it and to be honest I have a tendency to be critical/nag.
When we do talk I find my self reaching to get words out of her, but all she manages is I’m not in this any more, I am unhappy, I need change, I need space, and I feel caged. I know she is holding something back. If I try to dig deeper to find the root of these thoughts I get “I dont know” and she slinks into a ball with her head down. I look in her eyes and all I see is pain and I just want to hold her and tell her shes going to be ok. But she asked for space and the touching was giving her anxiety. It doesn’t seem that long ago she would jump into the chair with me just to be close, now she sits on the other couch on her phone. She still hugs me when we come home from work, though it maybe from habit. I stopped kissing her ( I noticed she had been pushing her cheek for 9months or so) and saying I love you after I found out about the second affair.
I know I’ve let things slide as husband and lover, I’ve been lazy around the house and stop soliciting intimacy because I’ve been denied so many times, I stop trying. I noticed she stopped want to be close to me 16months ago around the time I left the bed due to my back.
She doesn’t want to go to counseling and I think her support friend is encouraging her actions.
I’ve starting to turn things around committed to an exercise regimen, lost 25lbs which helps my back, and started taking control of my domestic duties love my wife and want her back, I believe if she would stop the conversations with this guy and share with me her feelings we can start healing. I want change too but right now she wants the change without me.
Do you think her wanted less touching would be because that is her love language? Do you think if I go back to back it might help reconnecting? What do I do about the current emotional affair? How do I keep it from turning physical? He is in another state but less than 4hrs away.
Please help
Andrew G. Marshall says
Men are taught to look at a problem and find solutions. You have come up with half a dozen in your post to me. I would like you to keep exploring and understanding before moving to action. So instead of DOING something I would like you to remember this mantra…. What can I control? You can’t control her behaviour, how she communicates, what she does with the other man…. You can only control YOUR behaviour and your reactions.
Let me give you some clues about what she is holding back. My guess is that she is angry (probably not just with you, but herself and life in general too). So ask her: Are you angry? What are you angry about? Don’t get defensive or critical or give her a pep talk, as these will make her CLAM up. Say ‘tell me more’ and ‘anything else’ and LISTEN.
You can get more help from my infidelity survival and support group. (And there other men in it too) Three Reasons to Join My Infidelity Survival Training and Support Group
Nicole says
This is my almost Exact scenario. Only we have been together for nine years, have a 21 month old son and he has been seeing his mistress for a year now.
Andrew G. Marshall says
Sorry to hear that I hope reading my post and all the posts will help you decide your next step. If you want support from other people in the same situation and weekly access to me to ask questions you might like to join my support groupAndrew G. Marshall’s Infidelity Survival Training and Support Group