He loves it when you perform fellatio on him but he won’t return the favour. How to have a constructive discussion rather than the same old fight.
A reader writes…
My husband and I have been together for 10 years and we have a major problem in our sex life. He will not give me the oral sex that i desire. We constantly argue about this issue and it has put a major strain on our marriage.
It’s not a hygiene issue on my part so I am very confused. Do some men have a psychological problem when it comes to performing cunnilingus to please their partner.
The irony here is that he loves when i perform fellatio on him, but he refuses to give me oral pleasure.
Please help. My husband won’t give me oral sex. I need a solution soon, or I will leave him.
Andrew replies…
There are two problems in your marriage. The first is that your husband does not like giving oral sex. The second is that oral sex has become the way that you measure love. In other words, ‘if he loved me he’d go down on me, if he won’t he doesn’t’. It’s almost as if this one topic has become the dumping ground where all your differences from putting out the rubbish upwards are somehow connected to this one topic. No wonder, you argue so much about it. No wonder, it seems impossible to solve.
So what would I do if you were seeing me? Beyond in the first session, so I could see how you argued and hear each sides case, I would be tempted to ban all mention of oral sex. This would reduce the temperature in the room (and allow you start working as a team) but provide space to look at some of the other issues that need to be solved but which are hiding behind oral sex. Next, I would look at your larger sex life. What works and how we could build on that. Finally, when you can both listen to each other. I would try and untangle why oral sex has become so symbolic. Until you can understand this, there is no way to find a solution.
So what should you do? I think it would help to read one of my books – like ‘Help you partner say yes’ – which would build co-operation. However, this seems so high octane, I think you need a neutral third party. In an ideal world, I would look for a couples therapist who is also a sex therapist (best place to look is Relate) who will be comfortable talking about sex and be able to alternate back and forwards between a general and sexual focus.
Finally, I have an observation for you. When I first read your letter, I thought ‘of course, he must learn to enjoy giving oral sex’. But when I read it the second time, I thought what if this had been a man writing about his wife? I’d probably think, how horrible. This man is pestering his wife, she shouldn’t be forced to do anything she doesn’t want to! However hard we try to be liberated, the old stereotypes rear their ugly heads ie: men should always be up for sex, men should know everything about sex, men shouldn’t have hang-ups. Ultimately, whether you are a man or a woman to be pestered for something is a turn off and also makes us more likely to dig in our heels and say no. Which brings me back to where I started. Step back, take the pressure off by taking this topic off the agenda for a while and find a new way to approach this problem through fresh eyes.
No ya says
This is the stupidest response from a professional that I have ever read. Never once did she describe her desire for oral sex as a measure of love. She never said I don’t think he loves as much because he doesn’t give me oral sex.
She simply stated it something she strongly desires and he won’t give it to her. I can garauntee you it’s something most women desire they’re just not as vocal about it as men are. It’s a simple human need to want that kind of physical pleasure. Especially after you’ve had it done right. This guy seems like the kind of guy who probably doesn’t do it right but firmly believes he does and is bringing love into the mix to have something to blame it on. I would 100% leave a man if he was not on the same page as I am on an intamacy level and it has nothing to do with love and everything to do with the physical desires of the human body.
Side note I love how he tried to sell you his book in his response. I bet all the answers are in there for sure
Andrew G. Marshall says
Thanks for giving your perspective. As for your side note, yes I do encourage people to read my books. Why not? I want to give a full and detailed answer but I simply don’t have enough time to give the depth reply I would like. (This website already swallows hours of time, I could be spending with my family, paying clients etc..) When I write a book, I spend six to twelve months thinking through a problem, explaining all the steps to heal and look for ways to explain everything in the clearest English. If you want the best of me, it’s in the books…. so why not mention it?
Elle says
Absolutely tone deaf response! Oral being symbolic? NO IT FEELS BETTER THAN SEX. As woman, penetration isn’t that great and doesn’t make us orgasm, however in the media we see many more images on males rather than females. AND YES, sex is about if you love me, you would compromise on what pleasures that person. Oral will not cause him pain. He’s simply lazy and selfish. You have a penis so sex and oral is a similar feeling so you wouldn’t really understand why it’s so vital to us.
Andrew G. Marshall says
Thanks for a woman’s viewpoint on this debate
Chloe says
I completely agree. I have never been able to orgasm from penetration–trust me, I have tried! I have only been able to orgasm through oral sex. My husband told me it was “off putting.” Previous lovers have never had a problem. In retrospect, I would have never married him had I known he felt this way. I wish we had discussed this before getting married. His comments hurt me tremendously, and now we do not have sex anymore–I find the very act of being naked around him “off putting.” BTW–he had no problems receiving it.
Andrew G. Marshall says
I agree you should have discussed it before you got married but is it too late to do it now?
Irishka says
Ladies, never ever marry a man who gives you no oral pleasure. My ex husband was an excellent skillful lover. We both loved oral sex. We could do it whole day long. He’d moan in pleasure each and every single time he performed it on me. He knew how to get me off orally or while penetrating. He would never ever orgasm before me. If I did not orgasm, he refused to get one for himself. He told me that he learned from all the women he’s been with in his life and saw nothing wrong with taking advice from women and learning lessons. He would always asked me what I liked, how I liked it, what turns me on. So did I. We had perfect insatiable chemistry for one another. Always communicating things, never being embarrassed to discuss things. I truthfully believe I’d never get a lover like that, ever again. Unfortunately, he had a drinking problem and I couldn’t deal with his addiction that lead to the tragic event.
Fast forward 4 years after my divorce, I met a guy I had a huge crush on. We actually hit it off well and had tremendous chemistry. My goodness, he happened to be selfish, egocentric. Loved to receive, but never gave. Oddly, he’d talk about loving going down on a woman whole the time. But never proceeded going down once we were hot and steamy. A woman should never ask her man to go down, unless she was verbal that she either does not want it or does not like it. I met few women in my life who indeed did not enjoy it. It’s a pleasure alone knowing your man is that much in love with your vagina. A true man must love it 100%. End of story.
So, that particular guy wasn’t even in tune with his own body. Never reciprocated in a respectful manner. Did not know how to move or what to do and that is at 42!!! Being previously married for years. Worst, he was not teachable. I was respectful and gentle addressing our bed problems. And it’s a shame, because he was hot and sexy, looks wise, and we had great chemistry and got along well, apart from sex.
I couldn’t deal with his absolutely lousy sex “skills” and inability to learn and listen to my desires. It was a huge turn off. This is the classic case of narcissist, of someone so insecure and with such low self esteem that I truthfully believe that he needs a therapy to deal with his sex issues.
I truly feel sorry for many of you, because there is nothing worse than a lousy, selfish, insecure lover who won’t go down on you.
Please be very assertive when you choose a partner for life. Make absolutely sure that you can discuss things openly and respectfully. That you like the same things and what and what not you both are will be willing to do in a bedroom.
Lastly, if a man is lousy in bed, he’ll be lousy out of it! Period!
Bella says
Yeah, my hubby won’t go down on me, either. Men are selfish sexually, I swear. We give them what they want, but when we want it in turn, they’re all like, “Uh…no…eww…can we do it in the shower?” Idiots. They’re whiners, really.
Eme says
Wow, I think that’s a terrible response to pretty much say…You can prefer oral on him but it’s your fault he won’t preform it on you.
What I would do is when he wants oral do not give it to him. If he ask why, tell him “You won’t be receiving oral until I’m receiving it as well”. It’s a two way street in that regard.
stan says
I agree with you, I’m in the same boat, I am very sad bc my wife is not into giving or receiving. I wish I was dead
Hopeful says
A bit drastic don’t you think? But I do agree whole heartedly that a woman prefers oral sex from someone who knows what they are doing. If a man is going to be cheap and quick on his method just to say he did something, that is selfish.
However, that is if the woman takes very good care of her body and prepares for that. If a man has had a bad experience with this in the past, it will haunt him each time he has to do it. No matter what you say or do, he will not do it. Leaving their partner feeling like something is missing. One partner feels fulfilled and the other not.
As for me, I take an over all look at my relationships. I find that I love my husband with all my heart above all others, because he show his love for me all the time on everything else. He is so responsive and eagerly makes changes and adjustments where ever he needs to, just to please me.
He also is a big help to me around the house. He does things I do not expect of him, because he works and I am at home all day. He does not complain about anything. He knows what I do and how I do things around the house and he tries to beat me to it so it is done when I go to do it.
Most importantly, he worries when I am not feeling good. He goes into a doctor/mom mode and he does everything possible to make me feel better, such as massage my painful areas. And he makes home made medicine and teas, which always work.
So overall, when I compare him to all other lovers, I have to take a back seat to my most important sex issue, because he tries to make up for it in many other ways.
Another thing that he does just to give me an artificial feel somewhat like oral sex, he uses his penis, by holding it in his hand firmly and move it around in my vagina fast and with pressure. It does feel very good. However, I desire more of a sucking method. So, I have to pleasure myself to get over the desire of having oral sex.
I had only one partner in the past who could perform oral sex on me and he would get totally into it, and he could do this for at least 30 minutes. Oh my goodness, it took my mind off of every single worry in life. Honestly, I miss it. LOL
But he had a thousand personality flaws and I would frequently be embarrassed by being associated with him in public, because he was silly and a problem to hang around with. He was a show off and had a bad temper with other men (only). He was very jealous, but very unfaithful.
That is why I feel that I have to take what I can with a man who proves his love to me is pure. Plus we are up in age and we both have been hurt by other partners. We are at a point in our lives that being together is more important and enjoying eachother’s company is a blessing. We respect one another and really understand one another.
Coinsidently, we are very much alike and our birthdays are just two days apart and same year. I hope this helps someone to think about what they have in their relationship before making a rash decision.
I pray for all who are having a real struggle with this. May God help you work through it in your relationship. God Bless You!
Redundundududundun says
I i love my husband beyond words just like you. If you were younger, say 30, would you settle the same way? I miss being taken like this.
Jill says
This is a brilliant comment, Hopeful. We must be thankful for what we do have, and realize just how blessed we are instead of complaining about what we don’t have. There are many ways to orgasm for both men and women. We all need to count our blessings.
Sandra R. says
Honey, if he doesn’t go down on you, DON’T GO DOWN ON HIM! He expects Oral but refuses to give it? That’s just selfishness on HIS part. Most women can’t orgasm just through vaginal intercourse. Men can. So he gets to receive oral AND orgasm every time you have sex? What pleasure do YOU receive? I’m guessing he hardly makes you orgasm but he gets to have that release on a regular. Don’t let this guy tell you you’re asking for too much from your husband. You have the right to be upset.
Jessica says
Horrible advice to this poor woman. I hope she’s already gotten a divorce that she needs. To have a partner, a life partner at that, that refuses to reciprocate going down on you when he knows that it is the only way to make you come, is just selfish.
Ingrid says
I have the same problem my husband enjoys receiving it but never wants to give it back. As a woman it makes me feel inadiquit ive never had this problem before. What makes it worse i know woman he has been with he did it all the time does this mean hes not in to me?
Andrew G. Marshall says
I find it incredibly sad, the way that we tend to compare ourselves with other people (and normally end up feeling worse rather than better). I doubt it is that he’s not into you but somehow this topic has become toxic with you both. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if it is tied with lots of bigger issues – like control, low self-esteem, resentment (about other non sexual issues), power balance. A million topics. It is never just about sex. Talk in general about your relationship and see what else might come up.
Jill says
I’m amazed at just how much this topic seems to dominate relationships. There seem to be hundreds of advice blogs and forums about oral sex and its ‘deal breaker’ status. I can’t understand how two reasonable and loving adults can’t put this into perspective and stop treating it like it’s grounds for divorce.
Andrew G. Marshall says
I could not agree with you more. When I have couples in the room – and they are stuck – we go deeper to try and understand each person’s position better (and why this particular subject has become to toxic). Normally a third way which works for both people emerges…. but when I try and help people in this forum understand their partner I am accused of being PRO woman or a TYPICAL man and the conversation gets nasty and more blocked.
Alien says
Don’t get married. Best solution of all time. Humans are selfish by nature and not meant to stay together for long periods of time. Just like you have problems with him not giving you oral he may have some problems with you in other areas. Both these problems will never solve
Destiny says
Im having same problem with my husband, he enjoy and want me to do that to him but he never want to give it back, and worse is he like to suck dick. I feel insulted by this fact that he like penis in his mouth rather than a pussy, which i just found out days ago.i saw how he enjoyed sucking his friend’s dick. He dont want his friend to suck on him though. I dont understand it at all. i keep browsing hoping to find same situation as mine maybe can give me more ideas how to handle this situation. worst is he want me have sex with his friend too.
Andrew G. Marshall says
It sounds like he is confused about his sexuality. It sounds like he has problems being honest with other people. If you want advice on how to handle it, I would suggest listening to him explain what has been going on. Bite the inside of your mouth – because he will say lots that will make you furious. (If you let rip, he will shut down and you will not get to the bottom of this). Just nod your head and ask ‘Is there more?’ When he has finished, ask him: what do you suggest that we do? Listen again and repeat back his suggestion. So you are clear and THEN you can tell him what he thinks. If you listen to him, I hope he will listen to you.
Nora says
I do not agree with the response at all. Maybe because the professional is male his response makes no sense to me. You are definitely not seeking love through oral sex, it’s just a sexual pleasure that most females desire. Your partner is being selfish because he likes to receive but he won’t return the favor. Just simply don’t perform oral sex on him and see if he likes that. I believe that sex is very important in a relationship and if the person refuses to satisfy you sexually then you have the right to leave. I cannot imagine living my entire life and dying without ever having mind blowing sexual pleasure.
Ms. Getitright says
There is no way around this, he won’t ever give her the sex she craves. Some men just won’t no matter what. I am so sick of councillors and your blah blah blah.
1. He will never give her what she wants. Find a lover.
2. Try toys… Really? He won’t give her oral but a “toy” will help. Ummm yeah…
3. Try fighting without talking about oral…. There is no other problem! That’s it. The same argument doesn’t work for men! It’s just different. Men can orgasm a million ways! When female oral is the only way a woman can orgasm it is very difficult and complicated.
Dave says
My wife has let me have one 3 times in 5 years. If we didn’t get married so early, I would have finished it long ago.
Why? Because being married is about honestly saying that you have looked around, and you are the best fit for me. Of course, there are many facets of this, and sex is just one of them.
And the question I would of asked myself is:
Knowing that she won’t, and knowing that I shouldn’t look to seek it elsewhere, can you honestly say your happy to leave oral sex on the shelf and never take it down if it meant you could marry this person?
I should point out, I put out like a champion and having her climax inches from my lips is so deeply satisfying.
The problem for me is that if I do it so regularly, should she?
I would hate to think that there is a burning desire in her for something that costs nothing and delivers so much.
As a dude, we absolutely can orgasm a million ways. We can go from limp to O in 60 seconds under the right situation.
But to experience your partner in that way, to have them be the source of your O, to have them put on a show, to treat you, to spoil you and yes, to love you in that way is an act I wouldn’t deprive of anyone.
There is always baggage from life being dragged into the bedroom, please don’t think for one second that it’s simply because he doesn’t want to do it. There is a reason, and the worse case scenario is that he is refusing because he means to deprive you which is emotional and psychological abuse.
Aside from that, I am sure he wouldn’t be that averse to having someone else’s mouth around it and having it outsourced somehow.
And that was a response I had from my wife of 3 years after we had spent 10 mins talking about it; she was joking of course, which made it so much worse because that’s her view. That it’s a joke.
We dated for 11 months before we married, 2 of the 3 happened in the first 4 months so naturally I was sold. Buyers remorse.
When questioned:
It’s just not my thing
I don’t fancy it
I need it to O, I can’t otherwise
Can we outsource it
Oral sex is part of a healthy sex life, and a healthy sex life plays a big part of a healthy marriage.
To all women that want their partner to give more oral, tread carefully. If you refuse you may find yourself on an ‘everyone loses’ trajectory.
From a non professional man from the other side of the argument I would suggest this:
– have him kiss your neck
– have him touch you in new places
– build up to it slowly over your sessions with him
– have him explore you, and don’t let him penetrate until he has spent 5 mins in explore mode
– have him undress you
And, really, learn to listen. You are only a few questions away from him spilling every single reason why he can’t, which will let you tell him why he can. The only way it works is to activate his emotional need to talk, but it only flows when there is no resistance. Honesty, you want a tongue up there instead of another sex organ, let him talk, and talk. 3 hours if necessary, because at the end, you might just get your O.
What can you lose? Oral? Oh wait…
There are 5 love languages. Google it. Learning what they are could be the key. In fact, you spend long enough looking for answers, you might just find one. A caveat, most of the really good stuff is in books, not on forums where anyone can post whatever.
– I mentioned seeing a counsellor last night. Not that we can afford it
Andrew G. Marshall says
I doubt many women would understand how strongly men feel about oral sex.
Tiffiany says
What does that mean?
Joy says
My ex husband loved giving me oral sex and knew what my body likes. Then he left me, I dated a man who is wonderful to me. I have been married to him for 2 months, he loves to have sex with me but doesn’t imitate 4play or oral sex, I have a toy I have to use when he is not around but I don’t want to do that the rest of my life.
Andrew G. Marshall says
What would happen if you had a discussion about how you both feel about oral sex? However, I would suggest that you did not mention what you did with previous sexual partners because I’m afraid most men (and women too) get easily become competitive with former lovers.
RS93 says
Reading through the comments, I am glad to see I am not alone. My problem is that my husband USED to go down on me the first few months we dated and it was GREAT. But then I got pregnant and he said he feels weird doing it because I’m pregnant. But it’s been 2 years now since our daughter was born and he still won’t go down on me.
I hate this because he DEMANDS I do down on him and if I refuse it causes a HUGE fight. I mean like a really ugly fight and I wanna keep peace because my daughter ends up suffering from our fighting.
What’s more is that we do almost everything HE wants in bed that I don’t like at all and has the nerve to ask for more things I don’t want to do. I don’t like giving head to someone who doesn’t return the favor. He wants me to do it more than he wants to have intercourse. I hate anal and I feel like he coerces me everytime we’ve done that. And then he says “you liked it, don’t lie” but I HATE it. He has also been demanding a tiresome for the past year and said “well the other girl will give you head and isn’t that what you want” I always yell at him every time he brings this up and he says “you’ll like it. You just have to try it and you’ll see”
This literally makes me cry just thinking about how screwed up our sex life is. I’m on the brink of having an affair. I used to have a high sex drive and now I don’t even wands be near him.
PS. I feel NOTHING during intercourse with him so I’m literally just left with my hand if I want any type of orgasm.
Andrew G. Marshall says
It sounds like you are in a dark place. It sounds like your husband is angry about something too (perhaps sex, perhaps the new family or something else). What would happen if you had a calm conversation away from the bedroom? Start by saying something like: I love you. We have a great family. However, you are not happy with our sex life and neither am I. When we try and talk about it, we both get defensive and we both end up getting upset. Can we find someone who will help us talk about our desires and find a way back to the great love making we used to enjoy together.’
Aldiesha T daley says
I am 26 and my husband is the same way. He wants me to perform it on him but when I asked him why he doesn’t do it he says because he’s a Rasta (he’s Jamaican) that’s no excuse. He’s soooo selfish in bed even when I’m not into it and I tell him he will still keep going until he gets his. I barely every get anything sometimes I just pretend. I have had some good sex in my life but since I have been married I feel stuck and so unhappy sexually. He doesn’t get that. You know we don’t even kiss. He doesn’t rub my body caress it nothing just jumps on bump Bump couple of spins and boom he’s done. I don’t know what to do we are both on 26 and this is the worst sex I have ever had. On top of him being selfish.
Andrew G. Marshall says
I cover just this topic on my podcast with Tracey Cox. We discuss this vexed topic Go to my podcast page or search for ‘The Meaningful Life with Andrew G Marshall’ When you’ve listened, ask yourself the following questions.
1. How likely is he to change?
2. Do you want to spend the rest of your life having this sort of sex?
3. What is stopping you from acting?