A Reader Writes…
My wife admitted to an affair that occurred for about 2 years. She would see him when she went home to visit her parents. She has provided details and I feel that she is being honest. However, she said that she had another affair with someone I know. She said that it only happened once and he couldn’t get it up. She said they had gotten together in a park.
The first affair it took her time to tell me the extent(started as a 1 night stand, then later conversations turned into a 2 year affair). I caught her having phone sex with the 2nd person, it was very graphic and included comments about times that they had gotten together. I feel she is lying about the extent of this affair because he is here locally and she thinks I might retaliate.
How do I get her to open up, so that we can start rebuilding trust and honesty?
You need to think long and hard before asking for details about your wife did sexually with these men. Be certain you truly want to hear these details. Once they have been said – and the picture is in your head – it is going to take a long time to erase it. There is a second reason for getting you to think this through. If you have a sensible reason for wanting to know and can explain it in detail why, I think she is more likely to listen and cooperate.
Is she still is reticent, share some of your guesses why she could be holding out. Acknowledge your faults – if you are really somebody who is likely to retaliate – but explain why you’ve decided this wouldn’t be a good idea (ie: it will let even more people into the secret and just make everything worse). Keep calm as crying or getting angry with make her clam up.
There are more strategies for encouraging a confession in ‘How can I ever trust you again’ so please read this book too.
Finally, instead of focusing on the details of the sex acts, you need to understand why your marriage sunk so low that your wife decided to have not one but two affairs – and started having sex in parks! Once you’ve got a handle on what went wrong, you can start to fix it.