A Reader Writes…
My wife left me two months ago, she dropped the bombshell that she no longer had any feelings for me and moved to her mother’s while I was still reeling from the shock. I feel devastated and lost without her in my life, and what is worse is I could have prevented it from ever happening.
I used to run my own business and had some degree of success, then I lost a major client in 2010 and never recovered financially. This left me feeling depressed and lacking confidence, and I was so wrapped up in trying to keep the business afloat I didn’t see the negative effect it was having on my wife.
She had also been getting increasingly depressed due to lack of money, and support from me. She even took jobs herself in order to make ends meet, while I tried to gather scraps of work for my trade.
We have a 4 year old daughter, and I was a terrible father. Even though I was at home a lot. I barely made an effort to interact with her. When I was at my lowest my wife took care of all domestic duties and her depression was declining to a point where it was affecting her health. Of course I see all this now. but when she dropped the bombshell that she didn’t love me any more I just didn’t see it coming.
Now I put it down on paper I can clearly see how neglectful I had been to my family, and fully see why she feels the way she does. Since the day she left me I made a promise to myself to change. I started applying for jobs and exercising regularly. I also have become more active in our daughters well-being and take her to the park regularly and read to her, as well as becoming more involved with her schooling.
After finding your website I bought My Wife Doesn’t Love Me Any More and found it very useful. It was so helpful to know that I wasn’t alone in feeling the way I did! I have been trying to put the exercises into effect, but although communication between us has improved I still feel like I am losing her. I have acknowledged and made a fulsome apology for everything I did wrong, but it has done little to change her feelings for me.
The only chance we have to talk is when I go round to read our daughter a bedtime story, and if conversation goes any deeper than small talk I get hurt and tearful and she gets angry and goes over everything I did wrong.
I am trying to be more assertive with her, but am afraid that giving her the opportunity to point out my faults is helping her to affirm them, and forget the good times we had together. This week she started becoming more pro-active in leaving me permanently, by transferring account names and moving her possessions out of our home. It’s clear to me her mind is made up, and she will not be talked out of it.
I just wish there was a way I could get our marriage back on track, and repair the rift in our family. I wish there was a second chance so that I could make amends. I am changing, and having her leave me is the biggest wakeup call I’ve ever had. I am physically fitter, and have a new job, that I am enjoying. But I am terrified it is all too little too late. My wife has checked out emotionally.
Is there anything more I can do, or have I burnt my bridges without knowing I had them?
Andrew Replies…
Congratulations on owning up and recognising your mistakes. You have taken some important steps forward but there is a lot more that you do.
1. I wonder if you have understood assertiveness 100%. I’m concerned because it should not be a chance to point out your mistakes. It should be a chance to resolve ONE small issue. I give clients this formula: ‘I can ask, you can say no and we can negotiate’. Read the section on assertiveness again. Perhaps, the problem is that you’re trying to solve the whole situation rather than, for example, whether you can take your daughter to the swings and slides.
2. You can keep working on yourself. I would start by becoming the best DAD possible. I can’t tell you how that softens women’s hearts (and it will make you feel better about yourself). So please read I Love You but You Always Put Me Last as it will help focus your efforts. I would also like you to read the other books suggested in the back of My Wife Doesn’t Love Me Any More. When you’re down, rather than dwelling on how far you’ve got to go, think: what can I learn from this? (My books will help).
3. You’ve identified the key problem in your letter. Every time, you talk about anything beyond the weather, you start to cry. This makes her angry because she feels guilty and nasty. Worse still, she will not respect you and you’re too emotional to acknowledge her anger. So what should you do?
4. I don’t want you to bury your feelings – that’s what got you into this mess – but to identify them to yourself. Tell yourself: ‘I am feeling sad’. It will help down the volume a few notches. Take a few deep breaths and witness the feeling. You could even tell your wife: ‘I feel sad when you….. because….’ If you find this difficult because you have never thought about your feelings, start to keep a feeling diary (record eight emotions and the triggers each day). It will start to become second nature and you will be more comfortable with your feelings (and by dint more comfortable with hers – even the angry ones).
Finally, whenever you’re down tell yourself: ‘It will take time to turn myself round and for my wife to notice and then believe in the changes. OK, my wife has checked out emotionally but she can check back in again.’ Don’t put yourself under pressure by trying to rush (and then bursting into tears because you’re not superman).
Tony says
Its really difficult trying to keep things short but I will give it my best shot. I have been married to my wife 29 years just gone. We met as teenagers at different schools, there is 6 months between us. At 17 my wife got pregnant, we made a decision to give things a go despite her parents telling her otherwise, and had the baby when she was 18, me 19, 3 months later we married, 3 years later we had our second child. Life was hard, finances were restricted and we got into a fair amount of debt, but eventually came through it and I built a career in sales allowing us to move to a lovely house at 30. My wife has always worked, as without her input we wouldn’t have managed.
We used to argue a lot, mainly over my frustration about how she was with me emotionally and affectionately, not being forthcoming sexually. I started to feel rejected, something that has been with me since childhood as I was adopted at birth and always feared another rejection at some point. I had a couple of brief relationships with other young women when I was early/mid 20’s but these weren’t sexual: I simply enjoyed the attention of someone who clearly liked me, yet when they showed a desire to progress with things, I ended the relationship, but not until I had kissed and cuddled a few times. I felt terribly guilty and told my wife everything, that I craved affection and attention from her and that nothing serious had happened with these women.
I tried to continue with my normal affection and advances towards my wife, but she continued to be cold with me, so I became used to regular sexual rejection. Yet when we did make love, things were really good and she clearly enjoyed it very much, it just seemed to be it always had to be on her terms and when she was in the mood, which wasn’t anywhere near as often as I wanted. I also liked to hold her hand, kiss her, hug her, and she would nearly always pull away. This used to make me terribly upset and often induce further rows, and I would shout at her a lot.
Things changed somewhat over time and she seemed to haver some kind of sexual/affectionate renaissance late 30’s and early 40’s. Our kids left home and we spent the last 6 years in a smaller house by choice, and these felt to me to be our best years – we had good holidays and a comfortable lifestyle.
However, in the meantime, the brother she was closest to became ill with depression, and over time he got worse. So much so that last summer my wife felt compelled to encourage him to leave his wife who was treating him really badly and making him worse, and come home to his family. He lived 90 miles away. Initially, he seemed to pick up after a few weeks and started working again, and even met someone else, but then suddenly went downhill last summer, culminating with him being hospitalised 40 miles away in a secure unit after a poor attempt to take his own life at his mothers house.
My wife would drive to see him almost every day after doing a full days work herself, we hardly saw anything of each other, but I understood her need to visit and I had to try to carry on a normal as possible running my own business with odd hours. I suggested a few weeks in that she back off a little as I could see the strain it was putting her under physically and mentally. Unfortunately, her brother ended up killing himself – a tragedy and also possibly avoidable as he managed to escape from hospital to do this; there is a pending inquest which keeps being moved back.
It is approaching the anniversary of his death as I write this.
2 weeks after his funeral, my wife nearly died after an allergic reaction; she was rushed into hospital and her heart stopped twice. This was a huge shock to me. She has made an incredible total physical recovery and I did everything possible to show my love and affection for her, and also to try to keep things as “normal” as possible.
Since then, she has changed, and would be the first to admit this. She says she feels different, that she’s not a nice person anymore. It is as if she is challenging everything that she used to do or think before all this, questioning the purpose of it all. Unfortunately I have been the one that has suffered as she has pushed me further and further away emotionally and physically.
In June, on what would have been her dead brothers birthday, she announced out of the blue that she doesn’t know if she wants to spend the rest of her life with me. We talked, she isn’t a good talker and doesn’t like giving anything away to anyone, not even me. She said the problem was her, not me, but that she needed time.
Since we returned from that holiday, we spent less and less time doing anything together. She made it clear she didn’t want to do much with me and we started to row again as I felt the rejection even more. This was all just a few weeks before our youngest got married abroad, and I started to have to spend some nights in the spare room to avoid conflict.
The 2 weeks away for the wedding were awful: my wife made it clear she wanted to spend time with her family and not me. I was pushed aside, and we had a couple of rows about this, but she said nothing to give away what was coming – although I started to feel what was coming and 2 days before the wedding I had a huge emotional breakdown in front of quite a few family and friends whilst out drinking. It felt like I knew she was going to leave me and I couldn’t handle that.
Sure enough, 2 days after we got home, she disappeared for 24 hours, then came home to announce she was moving into her mothers as she could no longer cope being with me. She wanted time and space, didn’t want any contact from me at all, and said she loved me but wasn’t in love with me…….
Since then its been a huge roller coaster. I have made all the classic mistakes I have since read about – trying to fix things, pleading with her, showing undying love, even questioning how fidelity after receiving anonymous texts telling me she had been seen kissing another man – this is just so not the person I know.
She simply continued with her “normal” life but instead of coming home to me, she went home to her mothers. Routine, it seemed, she could cope with. But I would talk to her mother when my wife was working and she would simply say my wife wasn’t talking, just withdrawing and being silent. I have thought depression might be an issue, and when we have talked I have raised it – it gets laughed off and I am accused of being the mentally ill one for thinking it.
My wife has changed beyond recognition into an angry woman. We have had meetings during the 6 weeks she was at her mothers to talk, but as time has gone by she has changed her stance to no longer loving me, wanting to be alone, irritated with me, and saying how I become so upset wasn’t rational as “no one has died”.
When I first got a text suggesting an affair, I discussed this with her, she of course denied it and I believed her. This was a respected work colleague who she had met for a drink while her and I were separated, she may have given him a hug and possibly a friendly peck on the cheek: someone her and I know clearly saw this and either decided to cause trouble by texting me or there is more to it than she admits, and the problem is she has become so irrational that I am unable to know what to think or believe any more.
This meeting about the text prompted a really serious discussion about us, I had had enough by this time: I wasn’t able to deal with the uncertainty of everything as it was going nowhere other than her living at her mothers and not contacting me. She said she would move home that weekend as she couldn’t live with her mother any longer as she wasn’t getting any space or time to herself. She asked me if I was moving out, I refused. I had no desire to leave my own home. My wife had a couple of emotional moments where she said she wasn’t sure if she was making a huge mistake, and then 2 days later admitted she didn’t know what she did want any more. But then later on when we rowed again, she couldn’t remember saying either.
She did move back in, it was tense the first day, and needless to say having spent 6 weeks apart, she insisted on separate bedrooms. The next 2 days were hideous. She woke up the first morning and was horrible to me, completely blanked me and got angry when I spoke to her. I decided to stay out late that evening and only come home once she was in bed.
Next morning was worse, she was vicious and cold with me and said some awful things about me, saying it was over, she was going to sell the house, she wasn’t afraid of being alone, and that I needed to get used to the idea. She went to work announcing she would go to a solicitors and take an injunction out to stop me going near her, I was in pieces. I decided to take off and stay away for a few days, and left her a note saying I wanted to come back and discuss things properly like adults whatever her decision would be, but for a while I couldn’t be here. I went to see a friend a couple hours away, stayed in a hotel and went out and got really drunk, but next morning I felt compelled to return home. I did, and it was clear my wife had been drinking heavily on her own, so I felt her pain. It hit me then that the only way forward for us both was for us to split, and after an hour of crying I actually felt I had accepted this was the thing to do. I called my wife and left a voicemail telling her what I felt and asking her to call me, as I had to be away that evening on business for a night. An hour later she called, in tears, and said she understood. I asked her to come home so I could see and hold her before I went away, she did. We held each other for 5 minutes and cried, but agreed that we needed to remain close and amicable, and that during this time she would be happy to continue living with me. And just as I was leaving, she said she wanted to draw a line and start again, no guarantees but try to get on. Things for a few days were really good, we spoke and were happy together, and there were one or two signs of contact – a hug here, a kiss on the cheek there. 3 nights later she broke down and talked for hours about her dead brother and the impending inquest, she hadn’t opened up like this before at all, ever. Again, we hugged a lot.
Then unfortunately it all turned bad a few days later: it felt to me that she felt guilty at opening up to me and she was making a much more concerted effort to put boundaries up all over again. We rowed badly, really badly, 3 days later and I again told her with things this bad we couldn’t go on, not that I wanted to split, but for both of our own well being maybe it was the only option. Again, she came back with “what if I want you back?” I told her she didn’t need to ask twice.
That was 2 weeks ago, and I sit here now typing this 5000 miles from home at my sons house, he lives abroad. My wife and I agreed I would go away for 10 days to visit him as he feels isolated with all this going on, to give me some time out after all the emotional stress, and to give her the space and time in her own home she has been craving. She said she would see how we felt about each other when I go back, which will be in 5 days time. But she hasn’t made any contact with me at all since I have been here other than the odd one line reply to my texts. I discussed with her if she wanted contact or not, and she seemed offended that I suggested not messaging her at all, so I have done a couple of times with newsy updates. Yesterday she was texting my son but not me, and I texted her with an update on what I have been doing, and asked about her…..no reply. I know for a fact she will have read my text, but she is choosing not to reply.
Suddenly the paranoia and panic is back, I can’t relax, and all I want to do is go home 5 days early, not that it would do any good.
I am really scared about what happens next. I’m not convinced my wife really wants to separate as she has kept pulling me back in briefly when I say its over. The anniversary of her brothers death falls 2 weeks after I get home, and I think this will be a huge time for her, and my aim is to stay with her through this period as I hope after then she might feel differently. Either that or I am hoping for something that isn’t going to happen. But the fact she is still living with me again, albeit without any close contact at all and in separate rooms, gives me hope. There are times when we can be really good together, but after a day or 2 she seems to become more withdrawn and becomes angry again. I know she needs outside help – counselling. I have suggested this and also talk to her GP, but she hates being told. However, she has been to her GP to discuss her feelings about her brother, not about me and her, and has been told she is suffering anxiety, but no medication prescribed. This again is a positive sign for me, as before she wouldn’t have considered talking to her GP.
I just don’t know how to play things now. We have literally been through the mill this past coupe of months, and she is grieving terribly for the brother she adored, who broke her heart, and I feel she has pushed me away to prevent it being broken again. Unfortunately all thats happened is I have been left with a broken heart. I absolutely adore my wife, she says so much so that I have suffocated her. I’m willing to change whatever it takes, I have had some therapy myself regarding anger and behaviour, and I feel better in myself already, but I can’t cope with the rejection and emotion that has been flying around. I believe if my wife wanted to end our marriage, she would have done so already. But she has been acting so irrationally this past 3 months particularly, I really don’t know who she is anymore or whether to believe anything she says either when she is on god form, or when she is angry and horrible to me.
Please help me work out what is the best way forward, as I can only see things ending badly at the moment, and yet I have to believe in time things will get better.
Andrew G. Marshall says
Reading your post, you write like you are telling me the plot of a soap opera. It’s like you are watching and powerless to change anything. So I would like you to think about what’s in YOUR control. In a nutshell, it’s your behaviour. When these rows happen, what do you do which makes things worse? What could you do differently? I always suggest the opposite of your normal behaviour – because you know where that goes. If you normally blow your top stay quiet. If you normally walk away listen. Stop thinking about how your wife should change – because that’s not in your power – and concentrate on changing your reactions. It will at least allow you to start talking properly. Finally, you’ve got to learn to communicate differently and I’ve lots of books that could help with that.
James says
Thank you for the article Andrew. My wife told me she doesn’t love me in July 2015. There was never any infidelity or physical abuse we simply did not tend to our marriage. We have a very active life with two demanding careers, two active, beautiful little girls and life got in the way. We’ve been married for almost 16 years and have two beautiful daughters who are 6 and 9. Since July of 2015, when my wife dropped the bombshell, I have really focused on being a good husband and father by being helpful, attentive, and trying to recreate the spark that is lost for my wife. I felt like I was trying everything and when I didn’t see results I would get really sad and depressed. I would be happy for a week or so and then I would crash. It is only recently that I read your books: I Love You But Am Not In Love With You and My Wife Doesn’t Love Me Anymore. They have been very helpful and I now see that I am the guy that is constantly checking in with my wife for status updates and then getting really sad and crying when I don’t see results. I think it was your book that said I might as well have packed her bags! Unfortunately my kids have seen my sadness as well. My wife has given up hope, and has told me so, but hasn’t left yet. Partly, I think she is scared of what will happen but also because we have so much going on in our life right now that we just couldn’t manage being separated. My wife has also recently added another big stress to our life, my wife is taking her executive MBA. In June of 2016 my wife enrolled in the course and it has been a significant financial obligation and time commitment. I thought it would be an opportunity for me to show my support for my wife. I have been really supportive and helping with everything around the house while my wife studies. The problem is the passion and spark have not returned and we don’t know if they ever will. It’s been over a year. That being said I think my sadness and ruminating has completely derailed the process. I now know that I need to work on my self first. I’ve started to see a counselor for myself and since the Summer of 2016 we have been to couples counseling. I now take each day at a time and am on day 11 since my last bout of sadness for our situation. My wife and I are sleeping in separate rooms and I think if we could afford it and manage it (MBA & kids activities etc.), her preference would be to separate. She’s happy that I’m finally getting help for myself but I think she thinks its good because I will be stronger when she does leave me and the transition will be easier. I am really trying to give her space. Andrew, is there hope still or should I just admit that too much time has transpired for her feelings for me to change. I feel like my year of sadness and rumination has done too much damage and it’s too late? Should I propose a separation with no contact to see if that changes things? I feel like I am doing everything and getting nothing back. I know I have to be selfless but it is so hard. Any hope you can provide would be greatly appreciated. I really want this to work. I love my wife so much.Thank you for your time.
James
Andrew G. Marshall says
Please don’t castigate yourself for the sadness and rumination, it goes with the territory. I am pleased that you’re getting support and that you’re having couple counselling. While you’re still talking there is still hope. I wouldn’t suggest separating – in the hope that she’ll miss you – because there is always a danger that it will backfire. (Perhaps she will be so busy studying that she won’t notice.) Concentrate on improving communication and working on yourself – Wake Up and Change Your Life will help. If you’re happy, positive and getting on with your life, you will be much more appealing.
Nikki says
As I read these post and stories, it all boils down to one thing….Too Late! I’m a wife and my husband has been emotionally abusive. I used to want to lay next to him in bed, hold his hand, spend time with him. I treated his son like my own but his son has a sneaky nasty attitude. Smile in your face but will backbite you. I have so many knives in my back. I would try and try to no avail. Now I don’t care! He wants to gaslight me. He’s not there for me, no loyalty. He’ll throw me under the bus just to save himself although he’s the one with the trouble. He’s put my stepson’s family over me. They wanted to run my house and when I put my foot down, then he wants to turn it on me as if I’m the problem. He wasn’t even married to his son’s mother. Even ones that were in our congregation he’s feed them lies and twisted things as to make it look like it’s my fault. They didn’t bother to hear both sides. They think he’s this greatest person. My husband is all for himself. We’ve been married for 4 years and within those years I have grown emotionally distant. I don’t give a flying fig about his well being, if he’s uncomfortable or if he needs help. You can’t ask for something that you didn’t give. Now he’s and his son are trying to change and I see it but I don’t care. I am dead emotionally towards them. If my husband asks me to do anything for him, it makes me upset and it turns into a big fight, which means I don’t do it. He wanted to give a penny but wanted $100 worth. That doesn’t work. If he had treated me right in the beginning, even in the stage where I was forgiving, this marriage would have turned out so much different. Since he was so callous all I want is out. All I feel is hurt. Literally my heart hurts and my head hurts. All I want is away from this person. It’s not good for my health. I try being loving towards him but it’s not there anymore. I’ve prayed and I’ve tried to get my emotions back for him but it’s not working. Those loving feelings have to come naturally and can’t be forced. Really, once it’s too late, it’s too late.
Andrew G. Marshall says
Sorry to hear your sad story and I wish you the best for the future.
Ray says
Damn Doc!!!
You wrote a soliloquy for the other comments and one sentence for this wife.
Now reading her message it appears she is reaffirming some preconceived beliefs. It was all “he doesn’t…” and a ton of bitterness and anger.
I’m not saying she should stay but she definitely needs to address her own demons because she’s probably going to be this way after it’s over.
JJ says
I’m in a similar situation. Great to hear I’m not alone and that there is hope. Looking forward to reading the suggested material here.