A Reader Writes…
I stumbled across ILYB and have just finished reading it. It adds to the list of many many self help books I’ve read over the years. Brief background – we’ve been married for a long time (met at university when Vietnam and flower power were the themes of the day), one grown up son with a successful career of his own.
Our relationship has been pretty poor for ages and dreadful for the last decade (no sexual relationship whatever in that period – barely a peck on the cheek; but no infidelities on either part).
My wife’s issue is that (a) back at university I dated other girls in parallel with her and (b) that 20 years ago I had an inappropriate friendship with a work colleague – both of these I admit, agree were damaging and wish had never happened. The latter came about during a time of serious fear of redundancy – my wife, in fairness, always tries to be supportive, but her reaction to all forms of stress or anguish, no matter how large or small, is extreme anger and aggression – which she cannot see, and is pretty unpleasant to be around – hence seeking rather less strident support and a listening ear elsewhere.
My wife sees the world, compared to me, in negative terms – it may seem trivial, but she uses adjectives that are 3-4 times stronger and more negative than I would to describe just about anything from the weather up to major disaster. NOTHING is ever right or good enough, too hot, too cold, too wet, too dry and the energy that goes into “countering” these unchangeable things is sapping to think about, let alone be around. It is like running uphill with somebody hanging onto one leg shouting out reasons why you should not be doing this. Think “dementors” in Harry Potter and you have some idea of the ability to suck joy and pleasure out of the environment!
My issue is that I cannot feel warm or attracted to a person who is as negative, aggressive and controlling as my wife has become. I admit, and have told her, that in the past I did not see her anger as the anguish she has now explained it was (constant, unstated, fear that I would leave her with a small child – I had no idea she thought this). To me it was petulant lack of self control and almost deliberate removal of joy from our joint environment. I didn’t handle it well, but am not sure I could have done even had I seen it differently.
I am battling to accept her for what she is, with a right to be different, but cannot accept her “Mother like” behaviour in which she insists on forcing her advice and direction on people (particularly her mother, now dead, her father, me and, increasingly our son) and that anyone who does not take her advice is “opposing her” and, by implication, does not love her. I’ve tried to explain the mother/lover/friend roles and possible conflicts for a woman, but she simply does not listen. I would like to swap the first for the other two!
We’ve been to counselling individually, but she absolutely refuses to go together “because they would hear me (ie her) shouting at the other end of the building” and because she wants to “protect” me from the exposure that would happen. I’ve explained my willingness to go and that, given our lack of progress alone, it seems a sensible course to me, despite any pain it might cause – what could be worse than what we have now?
We have massive rows several times a week. They always start from something incredibly petty and, in her mind, are due to my deliberate provocation (in my view I have simply stated a justified difference of view or quietly asserted my competence, or made very normal human error). They consist of her screaming at me for 4-5 hours or more, repeating all her pain from the past. No attempt to console makes any difference, she claims that the “tone” is not right and rejects any approach of any kind until the storm is spent. On the occasions I get a word in she does not listen and shouts over me from 2-3 words into any sentence. I am not inarticulate, far from it, but in the end become furious at the basic lack of courtesy and respect that her behaviours, in my view, indicate. (She has often behaved the same way to her father, once deliberately waking him in the night to do so.)
My wife is not a bad person, she is deeply caring for her family and friends, but seems to struggle to respect their right to be different and equally to recognise that fixes don’t come from the outside, but the inside. She is continually tired, wants there to be an illness and a curative pill, or for everyone else to change how they are in the way she thinks they should, so that she will feel better.
Having read ILYB, I’m trying really hard to do some of the simple things that might induce “limerence” (a dreadful word, please find an alternative!) or at least generate some warmth and prevent the rows.
But now I just feel a cold, hard lump inside me and find myself (a) unable to get this out of my head and (b) rehearsing internally how I am going to tell her I’m leaving if, in a couple of months, things have not improved. I’m sure this shows, for all that I have said, my wife is as perceptive as any woman in many ways.
My problem is this – how do I make one last desperate attempt to TALK about this with somebody who perceives themselves as SO wronged that they simply will not accept the 6 of one, half a dozen of the other view of a relationship; who will not even countenance discussion of the impact their behaviours have on others and will shout down any approach they dislike? I need that, I need her to at the very least acknowledge that I have a right to feelings about and a response to her behaviours. Without that I can only move in one direction – out.
Andrew writes:
I can feel a thick blanket of depression and resignation coming through your letter and I type with heavy fingers. It sounds like you’ve tried long, hard and been repeatedly beaten back. So what should you do?
When we’re in a hole, it is really easy to concentrate on WHAT someone has been doing rather than WHY. I know I’m stating the obvious but your wife sounds incredibly angry. I know it’s really hard to step into her shoes but that’s the only way forward.
WHY is she so angry? My guess is that she got a message from her parent’s that she was not good enough in some way and this script means that she is hearing everything through this negative noise. It would certainly explain why she shouts you down—because to her—even the mildest of comments “there’s two sides to every argument” is heard as “you’re ruining my life”.
Perhaps for her, everything is four times worse than you. If you’ve been repeatedly told you’re worthless—everything will seem extremely bleak. No wonder, she thought you’d leave. She can’t believe that she’s good enough to be loved but wants it with all her heart.
My guess is that you try to contain your wife’s anger, help her see the positive side, distract her or come across as a reasonable guy. Normally, I would applaud that approach but it’s simply not working. Instead I would listen, acknowledge it (what’s making you furious) and repeat back the key comments.
I know this will sound like you’ll be fanning the flames but nobody can be angry for hours on end—it burns itself out—unless you are trying to justify your actions, find solutions or make, what she sees as, excuses. It’s pointless trying to reason with someone full of rage—a bit like debating with a drunk—let her get it all out and when she’s spent, then you can begin to talk about your feelings.
I would add to your library of self help, with Resolve Your Differences where I look at different types of anger and how to combat them. I would also look at Help Your Partner Say Yes where I explain TA as it sounds that you are stuck in the critical parent and adapted child mode and need to move into adult.
My Wife Doesn’t Love Me Any More will explain more about keeping focused in difficult circumstances (especially when you have to make all the moves).
So in a nutshell, embrace her anger! Until you can understand it and she can fully express it, you will not get to the warm and tender woman who lives underneath.
sam says
I, too, suffer from a shouting wife – she doesn’t care who’s within earshot when ranting ……..
I am disabled – which puts a different slant on it – and also the sole breadwinner in the relationship !
She is extremely controlling and despite having a fairly substantial bank balance, is way to cautious on spending (“WE NEED TO SAVE MORE !”
We have been married for 17 years – what can I do ?
Hermit says
I’m in the exact same situation, disabled and dealing with my abusive wife of 17 years. I wish I had a solution for us both. Good luck pal
Mark hurt says
Im disabled and she is the money maker now. I take care of the children but she screams at me im a stupid spung leaching on her. Im a loser cripple that doesn’t do anything. Im the only one that cooks cleans takes our child to school etc.. they’re is a 98% fail rate in relationships in the disabiled community. I do ft. Get wives-husbands that blames their disabiled spouses for ruining their lives… my wife tells me this in every fight.. my disability ruined her life.. not ounce acknowledging that i am the once that’s disabled and im am hurting and i don’t want to be disabiled im trying to deal with it myself not to be blamed for someone else making me disabled. I will tell everyone. She tells me i will never find someone because im handicap… it was hard but i found lots of women that love me for being disabiled. I have a date Thursday..
Andrew G. Marshall says
Good luck with your date but I fear you are heading towards an even angrier wife than the one you have now!
Mike says
Get a divorce. Save your sanity.
Owen says
Ya somone had to say it
Avgerage Guy says
I hate my wife. She yells about everything. And, when I ask or tell her to stop or please stop she just turns up the volume or yells that she’s not yelling. I can’t take it. I don’t want to take it. We already have kids. I feel 10x more terrible when I walk out of the house and leave the kids alone with my wife while she’s angry. The anger is over everything. I mean, everything and anything. Big things. Small things. And, it’s not only venting. It’s yelling with the intent that the person being yelled at (not always me) needs to take action on the things being yelled about. I don’t understand how someone could expect everyone around them to care about the things that are only on their mind at the level that they’re caring. I don’t get mad just because my wife is mad. I don’t feel like hand scrubbing a counter-top just because my wife feels like if everyone’s cleaning then no one should be saying words to her, so she can have peace and quiet. Well, guess what? You live with people who aren’t you… blah, I just don’t like her. I want to like her. It makes me sad and depressed that I feel like she constantly acts in an angry and negative way that is off-putting and often directed at me which makes it impossible for me to want to like her. I feel like the only person you can change is yourself, and I can change me but if she doesn’t change then the only thing I can change is our family. And leave. Why does she get to be the reason I feel like a failure? That’s not fair.
Richard says
I’ve been in the same situation for the past 9 years. My wife, although extremely caring, she can turn into a raging abuser withing seconds- it is only a matter of disagreeing with her. For the longest time, I’ve been looking for answers, but it is not as simple as it might seem. This is a deep psychological condition that even the best experts won’t know how to solve. Therapy and medication might help, but it will only take the edge away from the whole thing. My wife grew up with an extremely abusive mother. I am sure that the mother has borderline personality disorder. The mother would be verbally, physically and emotionally abuse towards all three of her daughter. All three daughter have some sort of psychological distress now that they are adults (aka PTSD). The thing is, your wife behaves in such way subconsciously, as she is still trying to cope with her the abuse she suffered in her childhood. They are extremely embarrassed to talk about it, as they often have a love hate relationship with their abuser. As I see it now, my wife is increasing taking the role of her mother. This is quite common as children who are abused as they often become abuser as adults. When a trigger event takes place (you having a different point of view) that triggers a very primal (flight or fight) sensor in her brain. Thus, at this point, she is no longer capable of reasoning, but she is simply reacting to the only way she know how- which is becoming the abuser. At this stage, they feel like the vulnerable child about to suffer the abuse. Since in their mind the abuse will take place no matter what, they then can play either of the two roles: the abuser; or the child suffering the abuse. Hence, they are literally fight for their lives at this stage as they have this “premunition” that they will suffer abuse. And the only way they can win this is to over power you (either verbally or physically) in order to “contain” the situation. You can either accept this and learn how to cope with someone with psychological disorder- and not everyone is capable of this. Or you have to put yourself first and leave. If you are interest in coping with this, you should trying reading books like “walking on egg shells.” Although you probably won’t be able to chance your wife, you will be more likely to know what do in certain situations. Also, don’t be afraid of talking to family and friend about this, because if you don’t take care of yourself, you will develop a pshycological condition yourself.
Andrew G. Marshall says
Wise words. The key is nearly always in the childhood. Thanks for a sensitive and thought out post.
Rob says
Wow!
This exactly what I’m going through and exactly how I feel!
Malope says
Iam married to her for almost 30 years and she will pollute any inveronment ia m with her she will insult me with sensitive insults despite my keeping quiet I am really confused
Andrew G. Marshall says
Perhaps she is trying to get a reaction from you? Perhaps her anger is partly driven by your silence (and not addressing issues she considers important)? What would happen if you talked calmly with her – at a quiet moment – about what makes her feel so angry and listen to her answer without getting defensive?
Jamie says
My wife yells at me puts me down, says nasty rude comments about my family members and mostly my mother. She pretty much thinks she’s perfect. I’m not allowed to hang out with friends or go out on my own because she says I’m walking away from the family. When I talk to co workers on the phone she gives rude signals like I’m a fag or I’m sucking there d****. Yesterday I was trying to help clean the house so o started vacuuming she came over ripped the vacuum out of my hands and screamed at me that I’m an idiot and I should be dusting first. Last night I had a gin and tonic and brought two bottles of water to bed she ripped them out of my hands and threw them down the stairs saying who needs two bottles of water to go to bed with. I also had a chocolate bar for a snack and she then tore that from my hands like I was a child and was told I can’t eat it.
Andrew G. Marshall says
I have two questions for you. The first one, I would like you to ask her (in a calm moment). Why are you often angry with me? (Follow up question, how do my actions make it worse and how does it resolve the situation). I would like you to ask yourself: why do I put up with this? (Clue it might be something to do with the past, like your childhood and your relationship with your mother). Finally, a question for both of you: do you need help from a professional to deal with this issue?
Jeff adamson says
To men who have shouting and angry loud wives….
Dump them.
They are obviously …as my mom used to say..”off mentally”.
Leave her..or better yet…kick her out.
Spousal abuse is a real thing.
Spousal abuse
Anonymoose says
Sorry Mr Therapist but I believe you to be full of sh*t. It seems that there comes a key moment in every woman’s life where her man will do something to anger her and from that moment on the relationship is irretrievably damaged. She’ll never forget or forgive. Everything you do to slight her feelings in any way will tack on to it and result in a growing list of grievances from years past that are dragged out every time she becomes angry for any reason, even if you had nothing to do with it. My wife of 17 years went berserk, attacked me with a chair and repeatedly spit in my face because my puppy chewed on the corner of MY dresser. Anytime she is angry because of anything I’m the bad guy, I somehow contributed to this bad thing happening. And these fits of rage last 3 days, every time. I have friends whose SO are less violent but it’s the same deal, years of grievances dating back to the one incident. Explain that if you can please.
Andrew G. Marshall says
I will do my best to explain…Firstly, I wonder how you approach your wife. Because if you are using the same approach as me, I would not be surprised that she might be angry. Insulting me is not a great way to start! My first reaction was to delete your post and move on but I can hear your pain too. (Hence my reply but I am trained to look past these things, your wife would probably be upset and angry if you told her the same). Next, you make universal declarations about ALL WOMEN and how they behave. If you were told ALL MEN acted in some way, I think it would make you defensive. It also reduces your responsibility and minimises any hurt on your wife’s behalf (because she is just one of all these women and the implication is that it is ‘just one of these things’). How do you feel when someone does not take your grievances seriously. I expect you are angry!! Finally, we have the particular incident… (and the idea that there are lots of incidents in the past that will not be forgiven). If nothing is ever sorted, then everything will come back ON TOP of the puppy incident. Finally, we come to three days of rage. If you are not throwing fire on the flames by being angry yourself, listening to her (rather than minimising) and trying to deal with the issues (rather than thinking they should be forgotten after x amount of time), she will be prepared to discuss her rage issues. Does she need professional help? Consult her doctor or a therapist?
Larry says
Terrible advice
Glen says
My wife and I suffered from exactly the same problem. I sought help from a couples therapist in 2013 and my wife stopped after her first visit. She said it was a waste of time and money and that she was not the one with the problems. I began suffering from auto immune illness and sought help from a psychiatrist as recommended by my rheumatology doctor for depression. My wife verbally abused me and my son. My son spoke several times about ending his life because he cannot stand his mother yelling at him all the time. When mentioned to my psychiatrist, my wife and I was ordered to attend couples therapy, and my son a therapist. My wife gave up on therapy after 6 months. I have been seeing therapists for several years now, and one concluded that my wife may in fact have narcissistic personality disorder. Her view of the world is so different from typical caring and loving people. She only cares for herself. No empathy. She doesn’t care that I am sick with polymyositis and Scleroderma. She doesn’t care that I can’t breathe normally because of my interstitial lung disease and heart issues. She probably can’t wait until I die so that she can collect my inheritance. She is evil, and dangerous. People like her should never be allowed to get married.
Feeling hopless says
I am having the same situation. Married for 12yrs two great kids but I see thw abuse in the house is also affecting them. My parents seperated around the same time in their marriage and I’ve always felt it was a terrible set back to all of us , how life should have turned out. So I try to stick it through counting the years ’till they are old enough to be on their own. I’ve been ignoring and denying it and avoiding as much as possible. Its just occured to me to seek a solution but i’m not optomistic after reading these things. My wife screams and says horrible thing I couldnt possibly have the energy or anger to attack her the way she does me. I cant understand what is causing it in her. She wont go to counseling. Any am looking for any new tactics to try to get a break. We rarely have a moment of peace to discuss things calmly and she only wants to talk about her work when we do.
VINCENT DE LUNA says
Our wives undergoes transformations in their brain every time they give birth. Its not exactly brain damage but it is and we caused it. But still our wives can still try to control their rage but will often fail. Because it is a survival mechanism for her and your son. You can try reason and facts but it will also fail. We can ignore them until they realize they are wrong, but don’t hold your breath. The least we can do is support just treat them as an equal and humor them until we break thru their craziness. You can only make a change their memory and behaviour if you present your argument in a non threathening manner. Rohypnol might also work.
Mark hurt says
Wrong..excuses.. can i say because i have low t from being 40 that im allowed to be an ass… no. Its called postpartum depression if they have change after pregnancy. This still doesnt give anyone the right to devalue you for any reason. Relationships are to make you happy and to support you for better or worse. Not to be s punching bag for 20 years because she angry because your disabled or her life isn’t want she wanted. Its abuse.. if i was a women and she read a Male they would be in jail..why would it be any different if im an abused male? Laws need to be changed to support abused men. We need to support mens mental health, educate that men can also come first. We are trained as younge men to take care of women first to push our emotions down because its not manly or men cant be abused by women or its downplayed. More men need to file police reports, talk about it and talk to your children that abuse isnt right for both men and women.
Trev says
I know it’s not the right thing to do but I have been married for 4 years now and I just ignore her and sometimes just have a drink which makes her more unhappy but gives me a little edge other her cos she doesn’t know how to deal with me and she doesn’t know or understand why I am getting drunk so then she will ask me and try and get to my level to understand why I am behaving by drinking and then sleeping on the sofa which blows her mind and way of thinking I don’t want her to think I have a problem but it takes her mind off all the other shit she drops on top of me hope this helps
Pudding
Andrew G. Marshall says
Ignoring her and having a drink works for a short while but it just makes her angry and risks tipping you into being a problem drinker. What would happen if you suggested going to a neutral party that could help you sort this out?
James Becker says
Reading articles and responses like the comments here are why I’ve decided once and for all never to get married. You all have saved me from a life of misery!
owais hussain says
Divorce her.. better for you in the long run.. life is too short
Dave A says
Work on keeping things in THE PRESENT .. the past is over, don’t go there trying to figure out who said what, and what did you mean by…. This spirals downward fast.. Also avoid arguments about the future.. nobody knows what is coming.. and the
future only gets here as the present.. keeping things in the present has helped us a lot, and actually my wife sounds pretty close to what I read above.. its better now because of practicing HERE AND NOW .. drop the rest ..
Dave A.
Andrew G. Marshall says
Thanks for a great post
Kworrell says
I have been married with my wife for 12 years and things are slowly getting worse. About 6 years we broke up do to her drinking and infidelity. She went to a rehab while I worked and took care of the 4 kids. After her recovery she had nowhere to go so moved back home. Since her coming home she has become more aggressive and argumentative by the day. She screams yells throws things and worse of all she constantly calls me names. I have asked here when things calm down why she gets so angry. Her response is that she get more angry the calmer I get. How do I fix this. I love my wife more than words can say. I will never love her the way I did before she cheated but I do completely love her. I honestly feel that she cheated because of the alcohol, I know she’s sorry and wont ever cheat again she takes her recovery serious because she feels bad. All that I can deal with. But the every day multiple times a day yelling has beat me down emotionally and I’m not so sure I can take it much longer.
Andrew G. Marshall says
Well done for asking why she gets so angry…. So it is because you are so calm. Right. Why should this be? Perhaps she feels like you are not understanding and responding to her – just humouring her. But rather than taking my guesses… ask again. Why does me being calm make you so angry? How are you asking me to respond? I would also look into joining one of the partner organisations – like Al Anon – for the partner’s of alcoholics. They will help you understand the abuse and how to respond and whether it is an overflow from her addiction.
Richard Hunt says
My wife’s this same way as I set and read this I was amazed and wondered how this guy married the same woman I have. Only difference is I get angry back and cheak her on constantly calling me abusive when I feel absolutely I have a right to defend myself from her constant accusations all screamed at me in rage. Wish I had never met her sometimes but also love her tremendously. Life just sucks living like this. She however has not taken so much out on our daughter but instead makes an alliance with her and has our daughter believing I have no authority over her. She laughs at me when I feel the need for disaplin to be applied. Anyways good article. Ty
Andrew G. Marshall says
Thanks
J.R. says
My wife hits me, has knocked me down and stomped on my while i begged her to stop. At a point. my will to not be hurt kicks in and i start blocking the blows. I have been bruised and cut by her. She is evil in her own way. I made the unholy mistake of buying the wrong coconut water and she smashed my desk tossed my computer and scratched my face saying this was all my fault…. I am allergic to coconut and only picked it up cause i was getting other things and thought she might enjoy it…
Just a few minutes ago she yells from around a closed door saying i am going to make her late but she is in a f#ing bath towel yelling i am always the one making her late and that she hates me and wished i was never there blaming me for her “ruined” life.
She is mid 30s and blew off her 20s by doing all of the drugs and had a boyfriend kill himself because of her and another drowned because she wanted to go further than they should have.
When we met she was a mess and i helped her get through it. I promised her i would look out for her and i do. I am the sole provider. I will never make enough for her because I am not a doctor or lawyer or anything like that. We clear 100k every year and its all my fault, we dont make more. I work 2 jobs and only want to make her happy. She has done nothing the past 6 months but smoke weed and point out all my failures.
We helped eachother get out of a dark place but now what?
I love her, i tell her every day. She hates me she tells me every fight how much of a piece of $#!+ i am.
All i wanred out of this relationship was a best friend and lover…
Instead i found the victim of rape and abuse, who grew up stubborn and got into fist fights with children . She tells me of stories of her old boyfriends and how much she enjoyed hurting them …
What do i do? What would your only friend made you give up contact with everyone you have ever known prior to them, parents and siblings included. What would you do?
Andrew G. Marshall says
I would read all about Stockholm Syndrome and controlling partners. You will discover that cutting the victim off from friends and family is par for the course. When I understood that it is unlikely that my partner would change, I would starting thinking about how I was going to escape (and find somewhere my children could visit and get some respite from what sounds like a difficult situation).
James Van Zandt says
Dude! It’s not too late to pack your bags and run. This is unnatural and you are in a bad situation that won’t end well. It’s unsustainable and you deserve better no matter what. She will make your life HELL as long as you let her. Get out and live your life.
J says
What the heck? We’re married to the same woman!
Brian says
I feel as though I am not alone at all. The stories are so parallel to my situation. Married 10 years, constant yelling, degrading, belittling. I own a successful business and feel my worst when walking into home at night. I stopped drinking and keeping beer at home, as it only made the situation worse. Plus, the wine my wife consumes has been a huge contention for 12 plus years. She sees nothing wrong with it. It kills our bank account and makes for bad arguments after 10PM. Someone tell me why I’m still in this marriage???
I tell myself it’s for our 7 and 8 year old. Lame arguments get old. Past is brought up continually. And there was never any cheating. I swear she can argue for 3 hours a night over things that happened in the past. FML
Andrew G. Marshall says
You are not alone. You have a serious problem and you need to decide what to do about it. If your wife is an alcoholic have you sort help offered to the partners of alcoholics? Please do not minimise your unhappiness and hope it will somehow magically get better. Take action to either make your marriage better or to leave (otherwise you will end up cheating and your wife will have something legitimate to be angry about!)
Retired says
Recently my wife has cussed me out,
because I have lost focus, lost track of time management several times the past few weeks, and she felt I did not respect her. At one time I said to her I feel that I do not like to be cussed at. She felt otherwise. She gets upset if I miss a spot in cleaning, if I do not make the bed right, or even if I forget to turn off a light. My history, retired last yr. after over 40 yrs. as a first responder.
Not long ago, thru a MRI, I was diagnosed with perifial trauma to the brain that were from accumulated injuries. Also diagnosed adult ADHD, and PTS. There is damage to some pathways to the brain. Under neuroradiance dr. care, by infared laser treatments and prescription rx (+) suppliments. I have thought of myself as a hard worker, even the same when working on my days off. All I could do was to stay calm, and say little so as not to provide ammo and to quietly forgive her I admit she is a very detailed person. At times I walk on egg shells.
Comments?
Andrew G. Marshall says
I wonder what help you are having to deal with the PTS? What help are you getting with the brain injuries? How much have you are your wife talked about how you feel about retirement? So I suppose, I am suggesting a multi-pronged approached to this (as well as walking on egg shells). If she understood the impact of PTS – would she cuss so strongly (especially if she realised that it can reawaken old trauma). How would she feel if she knew you were getting help for ‘loss of focus’. Perhaps all this anger about missing spots is just the ‘safer’ space to get angry about hidden things. When you both talk honestly, it could be that you can have a talk about what’s beneath the surface and how to make your retirement (which sounds well deserved) a good one.
Alan Oxendine says
You’re useless!
John Barry says
My wife goes into a rage from time to time. Last year, it would happen about once a month. Statements she claimed I made 25 years ago were dragged up, I was accused of all sorts of wrong-doings, insulted in various ways and told that I couldn’t be forgiven. It would escalate until I felt terrible, then she’d stop. About a year ago she finally broke down and told me she was lonely. I have a busy social life and she doesn’t, being a bit on the introverted side. This despite the fact that I am always trying to get her involved in social situations, which she resisted. At that session, I urged her gently to take up some kind of a project that involves being with other people. She began going to classes twice a week to study Spanish and met a few ladies her age (55) who she became friendly with. For over a year, the rage and outbreaks stopped. She did have one about three weeks ago. I try my hardest not to argue with her and let her rant. She seems to need it although I find it difficult not to be enfuriated. I also resolve not to take it personally. I’d rather not be divorced. However, it is not great for our relationship. Being named a lying, cheating, stingy, lazy, uncaring cheat is difficult to forget, as is being told she hates me and cannot trust me at all. However, life is difficult. Nobody ever promised me a rose garden. I forgive her and put all of her words into a burlap bag, close the bag and leave it there. Then I get busy with my own life and as best I can, our shared lives. I wish she could forgive me, though. I also feel like we are treating each other with kid gloves. I dread another outbreak and feel like one could happen at any time. It makes it difficult to be physically affectionate. We try but it is not easy. Married 30 years. Thanks though for letting me rant. By the way, all of my friends (mostly in their mid 60’s like me) have wives who periodically become very angry and chew them out. It seems to have something to do with their age, loss of personal beauty and menopause. We men need to man up. After all, we have to grown children. I don’t think I can change my wife and I don’t want to leave her. Just need to man up.
Andrew G. Marshall says
Thank you for a really honest contribution to this post. Look what happens when you talk… you understand your wife better and I expect she will understand you better. Perhaps some counselling sessions so you can learn to both communicate better – rather than her bottling and blowing and you retreating behind your defences.
Christopher says
I am in the same situation. Since I lost my job she doesn’t respect me like before, but in her eyes I can see love. She even organized with her sister to kick me out off my own house though rental. I am struggling to pay bills since am not working and am meeting 60% but she still doesn’t respect me
What should I do?
Andrew G. Marshall says
People are angry because they feel they are not being listened to. So try asking, can you explain to me why you are angry and instead of preparing your defence or going yes but… listen and recap what has been said. Try and step inside her head and understand what the problem is (from her perspective.) Summarise this back and go away and digest. When you have done, go back and explain what you can do differently and what is a problem. You might find a more understanding approach. Good luck.
Sad Husband says
I know it is silly adding to the comments, but I’m a 42 year old man currently sat on my sofa crying and drinking beer after my wife just spent the last 30 minutes shouting at me and our 7 month old son as well as throwing things and being generally unpleasant! This really is not how I saw my life going.
It is like this at least once a week. I’m quite a calm person, and once she gets going I ask her to stop as I can’t take any more, of course she doesn’t and isn’t happy until she has driven me to shout back. She just seems to completely lose control and ends up saying things like she is going to kill herself because her life is so terrible, she just sounds like an angry teenager to me.
I understand she is tired with looking after our son while I work but she is making me really dislike her. The next day she is back to normal but I can’t take any more, if it wasn’t for our baby son I think I would have left her already. We have been together since 2001 and married for several years, it has never been worse than now. I’m starting to think that I really don’t need this in my life, but I don’t want to leave my son. Any advice?
Andrew G. Marshall says
It is OK to cry because he releases emotions and tells you this is something serious, but I would quit the beer (it anaesthetises you and helps you accept the status quo). Next, I would ask her when she is calm what the problem is and why her life is so terrible. Don’t defend yourself. Just listen. Don’t try and rescue – because that’s what mean do (ie: come up with an instant solution). She wants you to listen and take her problems seriously. When you understand, you can ask what she thinks she could do (rather than tell her) and you’ll be half way to finding the solution. So listen – even if she lists all your faults. Think her comments through and calmly decide – over a few days – if they have any merits. You can then consider if there is something you could do differently.
mc says
I get it every single night. I actually have been putting headphones in when I am home. I walk around wearing my earbuds. Music is a great mask but the problem is still there. Not sure why I would take this any longer other than the fear of divorce and being alone at 47 but really, being alone would be better.
DAVID Guimont says
I think my wife is manic or something. She does all the above plus she lies constantly and refuses to see huge changes I’ve maintained for years and lives in our past when I was on drugs. On my own because she already owns home I’ve purchased home. Showered her with love allowed her to terrorize me and love her through it also repeating things she saying to validate but she goes on for hours before I can get her to bed and hold her. Think it’s combo of my actions and mental illness because her daughters ex husband etc. have all dealt with behavior none as often As myself. Once like this with alcohol she was accident and dui arrest its become to much. I’m all in if new direction diagnosis occurs. BTW she is always right when tried counseling it was all good until she was asked to look at her cell and make some commitments. Then it ended
DAVID Guimont says
Alcohol sometimes escalates but she isn’t drunk usually.
Andrew G. Marshall says
I would talk to the people who helped you get off drugs – hopefully you are a member of some kind of fellowship. Often when people become sober, they realise that lots of their past behaviour and their past relationships don’t work (without being high). Use their support to question whether this is the right relationship and whether your new healthy lifestyle would benefit from a new healthier relationship.
tom jones says
I am going through the same, however how long must a man endure pain from the other side who leaves you in an emotional and upset state surely its not good for your health is it,
my take on it is leave and then after a few months try and bring why you left to light if that fails ask her how she would feel best dealing with this situation. no answer then find someone else. as it cant be fixed no matter what you do but exhaust all avenues and have a time line,,
Muneeb says
It seems she has some mental disorder, to me it seems like she suffers from borderline personality disorder.
Better get a diagnosis from a professional.
Hope says
Make no mistake, Your wife IS a bad person. She’s been in therapy and still verbally abuses you. She didn’t resolve her core issues. That is a choice. Even a low rent therapist can teach anger management with some proficiency. She’s not treating you well because she doesn’t WANT to and she does not respect you. She’s refusing couple’s counseling because she knows she’ll be taken to task and your concerns will be validated. She is not going to change because she doesn’t want to, and I would go so far as to say she’s unteachable. I hope that you care about yourself enough to extract yourself from this situation and move towards a more peaceful life. I would not be able to bear the abuse if I were in your shoes.
Andrew G. Marshall says
Thanks for your contribution to the debate. You raise important issues. If a relationship is abusive, you should think of your own safety and peace of mind. But I would not brand someone as a ‘bad’ person. Anger issues are difficult – because the origins are in our childhood (and are often deeply embedded). So it is perhaps not difficult to ‘teach’ the basics of anger management but to help someone change and know when to step away before they are overwhelmed is much harder.
Michael says
Wow, this is my wife. I will read this through very thoroughly as the glances make sense.
Neil B says
Good article. I’m in a similar position (married 14 years and have 3 kids), though no indiscretions on either part, my wife is just unhappy. She wont go to counselling and I have just accepted that’s the way she is. Her parents had a traumatic divorce 30 years ago and she still reuses to talk to her mother.
I try my very best to keep my mouth shut when her anger is up and concentrate on doing positive things.
Lately she is projecting onto our kids, i.e. whenever they act badly (even minor bad behaviour) then its our relationship that is the cause. I can endure any insults she throws at me, but labelling the kids in this way is a step beyond.
The conundrum for me now is what is the lesser evil for the kids; divorce or endure ?
Andrew G. Marshall says
The last question is the easiest to answer. It is better for the kids if you stay married both for you and them. If your wife took sides with her parents divorce, the logic is that she will expect the same from them (and you will be the one they cannot talk to or have to do so in secret). However, I have concerns about staying just for them. The danger is that you will get more and more unhappy, you will meet someone and even if it starts innocently (just friends) will either become something more or can be labelled as something more. You will be a cheat. The break up will be all your fault. It will be a Armageddon. However, there is another problem with staying (and keeping quiet). You are teaching your children to either back down and keep quiet or shout and get your own way. In effect, passing the problems down a generation. So my advice would be to stay and change. I know this is hard but if your wife won’t go to counselling, you should. Don’t tackle her when she is angry – no point. But when she is calm, talk about the issue and see if it can be discussed quietly and rationally. At the moment, I suspect that you are enjoying the peace and not doing anything to rock the boat. But this is the moment to talk.
Greg says
Wow, you just described my realtionship with my wife for the last 15 years exactly. I feel for you.
Anonymous says
I am about three years too late with this comment, but for anyone who might stumble upon this, I think the author’s response is way off base.
It sounds like your wife is exhibiting typical symptoms of borderline personality disorder. I would suggest getting in touch with a psychologist – someone with a PhD, not just a counselor. Try to find a therapist who will work with BPD patients (not all will) and is familiar with DBT therapy. You might also check out the book “Walking On Eggshells.”
You can find local psychologists on the Psychology Today website – searchable by condition and therapy type offered.
Rezwan says
I am so depressed and broken because of my wife’s behaviour since last 17 yrs.
I see a part of my life in all above posts.
My heart goes out to you all.
I am just waiting to die.
But feeling better and courageous after reading all of this.
Thanks everybody.
NeilB says
I feel like that somedays I also worry if I were to get ill what would happen to me.
I’m lucky that I have a good job and that keeps me positive and I also do a bit of music in the little spare time I have.
I’ve tried talking to her, it doesn’t work. I’ve tried changing my behaviour, that doesn’t work either; when someone decides they don’t love you anymore and wants you to be unhappy that is it.
Endure.
Andrew G. Marshall says
Listen to my podcast with Jed Dimaond, we discuss a very similar letter and explain there are other options beyond leave and endure. Go to my podcast page on this site or search for ‘The Meaningful Life with Andrew G Marshall
Mr. Sane says
Just dump her…. done.