A Reader Writes…
I have been married for 11 years and 2 months ago I found out by accident that my wife is in love with another man. I was very hurt but very calm and I tried to understand her reasons. After weeks of pain she told me everything. She was relieved. While struggling to accept the situation, the guy moved in the country (he was in France) and she cheated on me. I found out about this by accident also. I was again very understanding because I saw that she is confused and traumatized beyond belief.
Why did she do this? Well for the last 3 years we have had financial problems and I was blocked in a state of day-dreaming magical auto-solving wishing state. She was and still is my sun but I was not able to actually do anything. During 3 years slowly by slowly she started feeling like I don’t care at all until last year she grew so desperate that she let herself fall in love with another man (which she dismissed quickly) then with this 10 year younger guy.
This guy is apparently mature, smart and above all very ambitious. They fell in love with each other after one week, then he left the country. She told me that she never thought of the consequences. She just wanted to get away for the payments, the problems. I saw her crying and suffering many times but I did not wake up and if she did not work more (12 hours a day) the bank would have taken the house. So all this pressure made here evade into another world.
She tried to tell me that we need to fix the problem or she will divorce me but she did not want to hurt me. We are still extremely good friends and have affection up to the sky. She will now go in France to visit his family for Christmas. Which makes me die of course. On the one hand she is trying to find some major fault to him so she can stop being in love. On the the other hand, I suppose, she just cant stop wishing him around.
I offered to let her go and divorce but she said she can’t dump me yet. She said because she just can’t and because if she will see change in me she would like to try again. (Indeed her biggest concern seems to be for me to become a man again and take the whole load off her shoulders. She said – no one not even her knows if that is true – that she is not worried she wont be able to forget him but rather worried that the passion between us wont come back).
I am being supportive. I am sure she is very traumatized by the work load, by my abandonment, by her infidelity, by many more. I suffer like a dog and try to ignore that she will not try to be mine again until I deserve her and that I have to let that guy be part of her life for now at least.
My question is: do I have a chance? I am not a bad man. She can tell you that. I was and hoping to get cured a very spoiled, immature man. But I learn fast and I would do anything for her.
Do you think she could indeed get back to me? Can I become the man she needs?
Andrew Replies…
When a woman tells her husband “I love another man”, the vast majority give up, throw in the towel and either sit in their corner with their hands in their head (or go onto the Internet to find someone else).
Meanwhile, if a husband tells a wife that he’s fallen for another woman, nine times out of ten she rolls up her sleeves and sets to work. One thing is for sure, she seldom takes his protestations of love at face value. She thinks, ‘he doesn’t know her’, she’s only been on her “best behaviour” and ‘will it last?’
So what I’m saying is don’t be sure it is true love. It’s much more likely to be ‘something to help me feel better’ and because our culture comes down hard on affairs (rightly so in my opinion) the people involved have to tell themselves it is love – or it looks very cheap and makes them feel dirty. Once the bubble of the affair bursts, and the couple have to face the cold hard reality, it all begins to look a bit different.
While I’m staying positive, you have listened, understood and not attacked your wife (which is to your credit). By doing this, you’ve gathered a lot of useful information. For example, she could forget him but she REALLY needs for you to change). So you know what you’ve got to do.
I’m not 100% certain, from your letter, what you’ve done to sort out the financial problems yourself or whether it has just been your wife shouldering all the load. If you’ve been unable to act, I would suspect that you’ve been depressed but have hoped that time, your latest magical plan or the weather would lift it. If that’s the case, your wife will not understand why you haven’t been to the doctors. When she’s tired and stressed, she will think that’s because you care enough or even you didn’t love her. So make an appointment and consider counselling too.
It’s horrible that your wife has gone away with this new man but it gives you time to start working on yourself. Read I Love You but I’m Not in Love With You as it explains how avoiding rows and unpleasantness doesn’t (as we imagine) protect love but destroys it.
Read My Wife Doesn’t Love Me Any More for some advice targeted especially at men and if you’ve time, I’d add How Can I Ever Trust You Again? to understand more about why she had the affair and how to find your way back to a better relationship.
Ultimately, the first step to being the man she needs is to believe that you can do it. You’ve done the hardest bit – keeping calm and listening – so you’ve laid the foundations. I believe you can do the rest.
Mark says
Andrew,
Thank you for the resources you are helping immensely and appreciate your time.
I won’t go into too much detail but suffice to say my wife is involved physically with a co-worker and as been since November 2016. We have 2 children together and been married 7 years together 12, I had to move out of the family home due to her continued mental torture she was inflicting on me which was impacting my children.
My question is do affairs always end? Is there any evidence that substantiates a statistic I’ve found (95% of affairs end within 2-years) I ask as I am standing for my marriage and family and am actively working on my part in its downfall although my wife as always maintained it was good!
I feel having comments like the above is massively encouraging to those of us who want to fight.
I appreciate any information you might have to help us all who are standing.
Thanks
Mark.
Andrew G. Marshall says
I’m glad you found my post helpful. Your question is do affairs ALWAYS end? In my experience, most affairs do end. People get discovered and the affair bubble bursts and the ‘lovers’ realise the pain that they’ve caused everyone (including themselves). Many affairs burn out because the ‘lovers’ don’t have much in common (beyond a shared passion). However, there are lots of affairs where the ‘lovers’ convince themselves it’s the real thing and they carry on for years, or hang around on the sideline (ready to start again if one person is unhappy or between relationships). So it’s good to fight for your marriage and make positive changes yourself but just waiting for the affair to end is not going to be enough.
Logan says
Hi Andrew,
I am currently trying to fight for my marriage after learning that my wife had an affair for a year and a half. She also states that she is in love with him. She states that she wants to stay with me but my current problem is forgiving her for going so far with the affair (falling in love, the lies etc). The images and thoughts are just to much for me to bare. Do you have any suggestions as to how I can work through the negative thoughts and work to forgive her? Thank you. Reading this post and comments have been helpful
Andrew G. Marshall says
Glad the post is helpful. Have a look at my books too. There is a lot to help you. Look out for my new ‘Infidelity Survival Training and Support Group’. It starts in October 2018
Captain says
Not a professional therapist but here goes: get rid of her like a bad habit. Do you want someone to hold your feet to the fire to see if you change or if she determines YOU worthy of giving her YOUR affection? Pure narcissism, Chief.
Emma Asare says
Hi Andrew,
I find myself in a similar situation where my wife said she loves me but not in love with me …. She has however reconnected with her ex boyfriend. Though we are in counseling to salvage, she said she is shut down to me emotionally and intimately. I wish to connect with the gentleman and ask him to break I up with her so we can work on the marriage but I fear it aggravate matters the more. What do I do?
Andrew G. Marshall says
I doubt it will make matters better. He will get defensive and either tell you his behaviour is ‘none of your business’ or he will give you his opinion on your marriage (and it will not be a neutral observation). Either way, it will not be pleasant. I doubt your wife will thank you for the intervention and it will probably throw the two of them closer together. It would be much more constructive to find out why women fall out of love. Read my book ‘My wife doesn’t love me any more’ or ‘I love but you’re not in love with you’. Has anybody else contacted the lover, how did it go? Please share your experiences.
yusuf says
it’s true,I was in such situation I had no stable work,so I started noticing fishy behaviors,calling me names,(poor person)wast of all she started sleeping out at her sister’s place.
now am lucky I have work to do and cater for all needs, but still no respect.
Andrew G. Marshall says
What would make you feel respected? Find some concrete examples… ‘It would really help me if you did…a,b or c’ Could you then ask for them?
Dr. Elliot Merrick says
You’re in absolute denial and cycling between “what if”… it’s part of the grief process. The best approach to a major decision like this is to try and put yourself outside the “box”. By no means does a woman tell another man “she loves him” out of guilt! That’s an excuse! She DOES! She may also love you but sir I’m sorry logic dictates she’s NO LONGER in love with you… yes I may hit hard more of a Dr. Phil style but do you really think “I love you’s“ are tossed out so easily? That’s a clear indication of intimacy. No, intimacy doesn’t mean sex, it’s “depth” in a relationship. And after all that time, meeting his family don’t be naive they HAVE had sex!!! Meeting ones future partners family is a final ritual for solidifying their blessing. Regardless, of their culture. Sir, you’ve been betrayed and are in need of an outlet. She’s NOT one nor should be considered as such! Use logic here, let the emotions get set aside. You know logically what to do your emotions are making it hard. I understand and have been there! Don’t make excuses for her. Moving on is difficult but she made this decision NOT you. You have no blame in this nor can control her behavior. At the worst you separate and give yourself time to heal, decompress and get through the roller coaster THEN decide if she’s the one. You’ll know by her behaviors during that time apart. There are WAY too many people out there in similar situations that don’t ever want to be betrayed as such again. You will find that special person meant for you!
Damone Boyd says
Dam that some tough sh*t
Mark says
Hi Andrew
After 10 years relationship and 5 years marriage after our dear child was born my wife withdrew and I became emotionally abusive and controling 18 months ago somewhat and also. I am not a monster af any sort but a good father and thought loving
husband so I moved out to giver her space but this made them closer together My wife had an affair which restarted during a brief reconciliation of 6 months and now she is dating others but has one she sees the most and is in love with , while we wait for divorce i have seeked much help before and am in psychotherapy for the next two years twice a week dealing with my personal abusive problems and my vulnerability and self sabotage. Some dur to the impact of her behavoir towards me when i say I love her or mention who the man is she denied it for more than 6 months
She is head over heels in love and I am the only this that is holding her back. I am destroyed by her cruelty physically and emotionally by her abuse back and invalidation of our marriage and her importance or her lover is more invested than our years together and our child
She is the love of my life and i never thought she could become so abusive to me it was a light switch on and off.
The divorce is in November but i have Almost lost hope
We have to see each other every week to hand over our child ,I am working on my life work, finance but it seems to not impress her at all how did she find time to fall in love while I was looking after our child and this looks like she has jumped to the next person without any space between me and him?
I am a lot more calmer and listening all the time but it does not help because she will not communicate or try therapy
Andrew G. Marshall says
I am pleased that you are working hard on yourself and to be calmer and listen. It doesn’t matter that she does not respond. You are doing this for yourself not for her. In contrast, she has decided all her prayers are going to be answered by this other man. However, if you just move on – without healing – you risk learning nothing and just repeating the same mistakes. You can find out how to move on AND heal, by reading my book ‘Heal and Move On.’
Kareem Wright says
Hello Andrew
Im writing you ask what do i do when your wife over 8 years tell you she loves you but not in love with you anymore i knew there was more to like me being disable not having a job but im still paying some of the bills and she footing the rent im footing the light bill the storage bill the phone bill and that coming all out my disable cheak but not knowing she was texting someone else a childhood friend who she said she badly wanted him and he texting her saying she would always be his girl what i really want know is my marriage can it be save i still love my wife
Andrew G. Marshall says
Can your marriage be saved? It can if you are prepared to look at yourself AND your marriage in order to decide what changes you need to make. Of course, it will be difficult because your wife has given up on your marriage. She will not support your changes and might even say mean things or be discouraging. Why? Because she’s in a dark place. She can’t believe in your any more (that why she has let someone else into her life – but if YOU believe in yourself, she can change enough to give you another chance. However, you will need to act smart – so you put your energy into the right changes (not expending it doing more things to push her away). Read my books ‘My wife doesn’t love me anymore’ and ‘I love you but I’m not in love with you’ and you’ll make a pretty good start.
Carlton Hanson says
I’m afraid I’ve lost my wife forever. I left my wife for another woman but realize I have made a huge mistake. I miss my wife and want her back. What do I do? It’s been almost 3 months and no contact.
Andrew G. Marshall says
What do you do? You try and understand how you got yourself into this mess. Why did you cheat? What made you think this other woman was the answer to your prayers? What have you learnt from this experience? If you have thought long and hard and learnt the lessons, it is possible that your wife will give you a proper hearing. Even if she won’t you can write her a letter (and she might respond to it). In the letter you should explain what you’ve learnt and why this will help you not make the same mistakes again. (Her greatest fear is that she will let you back in and you’ll do the same thing all over again). Finally, make a full apology, acknowledging how you hurt her – because she will feel you are not taking her feelings seriously. Even if she will not take you back, this learning will be important in your recovery. Otherwise, there is a danger that you will make similar mistakes again. Good luck. I hope you will use this an opportunity to learn and grow. You can find some help in my book ‘Why did I cheat?: How to help your partner (and yourself) recover from your affair.
Sam says
I am completely stuck in limbo right now, I’ve been with my wife for 22 years and married for 10 years. I am not sure what the way forward is. I felt my wife becoming distant and when I asked her about it she came out with it “We need time apart” and when I try to convince her to stay she said “I love you but I am scared I am not in love with you” and off she went to our daughters. 24 hours later I get a call and the truth comes out that she says I have feelings for someone else (a co-worker) and it turns out they have been texting and chatting.
Course I did all the wrong things begged and pleaded etc and eventually calmed down and she came back but we didn’t think it through and it was a disaster. I smothered her with affection and we ended up in the bedroom which next morning sealed the deal that she wanted to go back to my daughters.
She is now saying its over (is very cold, distant like someone I don’t even know) and we have minimal communication right now but she says wants to be “friends” although she seems to be pushing me away.
At this stage I am working on myself and getting back into shape as exercise also helps me take my mind off it. I am sorting our finances (this was a big source of our issues) and she can see that in the joint bank account. She always worried about debt and money and I recognise my failure in listening to that and thats what she seems to be blaming for the situation we are in now. Of course I have told her I can change the situation but it seems like she doesn’t want to know. I suspect she is getting what she needs from this other person she has become attached to. But at this point I just don’t know what to do and it seems like a hopeless situation at this point and I don’t know how to break through.
Andrew G. Marshall says
Your wife is profoundly unhappy about something but in your panic to save the situation, you have not been able to hear her out. Why did she detach to the point that she became vulnerable to another man? Have a look at my book ‘My wife doesn’t love me any more’ It will explain what to do and give you some clues. The biggest lesson is that you have to listen, ask questions rather than going for a fix. I know that’s what men are trained to do but that makes her think that you are not truly interested in her feelings (big mistake) and simply trying to get her back into the marriage (where she fears nothing will change).
Sam says
Thank you for the reply Andrew I have read both your books. I suppose I feel with all her attention on her new “interest” that the situation is hopeless. Although she has agreed we can continue to spend some time together and I have been open in telling her I would like her back and so my plan is to try using some of the techniques in your books to try and work on the marriage myself and recruit my wife to see that our marriage is worth fighting for. I have changed my work hours, I have paid off a large chunk of our debt and I have been exercising but it feels its going un-noticed but perhaps I am simply looking for a quick fix and I need to be playing the long game and not worry at this time the fact she is now “seeing” this other man.
Andrew G. Marshall says
And perhaps she will discover that the sun and moon do not revolve around these men
Sam says
Thank you once again Andrew, I have a lot of faith in the techniques you have in your books and a lot of them did jump off the page about where we are now.
At this stage I guess I worry that by giving her my time while allowing her to continue with this other man she has the best of both worlds. Right now she is open to reconciliation and talks about and says she is worried I go back to “my old ways” but she is continuing the relationship with the other man.
So right now I am stuck in limbo and wondering if what I should be doing is pulling right back rather than giving her my time. That of course seems counter productive to me as it would feel like I was not working on my marriage.
Andrew G. Marshall says
It is a difficult time for you but don’t think she is getting the ‘best of both words’. She will be full of guilt and shame and fear. She will be trying to block it out with the ‘high’ of her affair. But sadly, you can’t tell her that – she has to discover it for herself – so don’t waste your breath. What should you do in the meantime? Instead of working on your marriage (which is not possible because she is not available for the project), you can work on yourself. By which I mean, learning to communicate better and dealing with your fears. The best book I have on this subject is ‘Wake Up and Change Your Life’. In the meantime, take things one step at a time. See how you feel in a month’s time and review whether it feels right to step back or not.
Sam says
This brings me full circle in that she is undecided if she wants to end the marriage or not while she is also seeing the other man. What I don’t want to do is validate this affair by trying to compete with it to bring her back to the table to help her see the marriage has a shot if she’s willing and I am doing that by trying to be positive around her and to be “friendly”
Sam says
So an update to my situation. My wife has walked away from our marriage and is now perusing a relationship with her co-worker. I am absolutely heartbroken, she has said things like she has no feelings for me any more and that she doesn’t want to try work on us. She doesn’t seem to see what she has done as an affair (it started via text for months when we where together and progressed to physical when we where separated).
I feel in my gut she is not being truthful with herself and through this whole ordeal her feelings for me have and are been clouded by the high she is getting from this other man. I know he isn’t the problem in relation to my marriage and I have had a long period of self reflection of the role I have played and I understand what I need to do in order to build a better marriage for us. I have given her a fulsome apology and I have taken action to lose weight and take a look at myself, I got rid of one of our dogs (we couldn’t handle it), I sold a lot of things we didn’t need to paid off all of our debt etc. But she seems so intent on pushing me out her life (very little contact right now) while she go head first into this relationship with this new man.
I have so much love for my wife that I know I can work towards forgivness and trust (I know I played a part of where we are now) but the situation just hopeless and it looks like right now I have lost both my marriage and my wife because she is simply not interested. I am so conflicted on if I should hold out hope or face the cold hard truth that it seems to be over.
Andrew G. Marshall says
I would not be surprised if your wife is not being truthful with herself and is using the high from the other man to feel better in the short-term. Congratulations on the work that you have done on yourself and the progress with all those practical issues. I know you have not had much encouraged from your wife but I hope you have given yourself a pat on the back. So what next? I don’t want you to opt for either of the two options outlined at the end of your post: ‘hold out hope’ or ‘face the cold hard facts’. I don’t think life (or the situation) is so black and white. I would like your next project to be SELF CARE. How do I look after myself? Will this choice support by self care or diminish it? Meet up with friends who are supportive (and not pushing you one way or another). Do something you’ve always wanted to do – but didn’t have the time. Give yourself time to decide what YOU think is best. In the meantime, she will have time to discover if this man really is all she thinks he is or discover if she has made a big mistake. Whatever happens, you need to heal rather than make a knee jerk reaction. If she comes back, that’s great. If she’s still totally wrapped up with him in six months time, that’s OK too. You will have had time to heal, repair some of the damage her leaving has done and maybe feel more able to move on (and ultimately that’s great too). Keep doing the work of growth, you will not regret it.
Drew says
Hi Andrew,
I just recently found out about you after searching the internet for any kind of help with my damaged marriage. I have been married to my wife for 8 years and together for 11. We have two boys, ages 4 and 8. About 4 weeks ago my wife told me that she was terrified by the fact that she feels she wanted a divorce. I broke down and lost it, I have never thought that she of all people would be saying something to me like that. I come from a divorced family when I was a teenager and I have sworn my whole marriage that I would never allow my boys to go through anything like I did. My wife explained to me that she had not been happy for a couple years now, pointing out that I didn’t show enough appreciation to her and her hard work, I didn’t respect her enough during arguments, that I was not a good example to my kids during hard times and that I wasn’t motivated enough to get a better job, even though we had mutual agreements that my current one would suffice at this time.
After 3 weeks of reassuring her that I was making the right changes within myself to save our marriage she wouldn’t budge. I have started working out and living healthier, stopped bad habits that I don’t need anymore, began being more attentive and patient with my kids and even started getting 1 on 1 counseling to better myself as a person.
Last week I woke up and the first thing I did was look for a charger for a tablet in our room, the very first place I looked was in the drawer of her nightstand and what I found blew my mind considering the circumstances. I noticed an old box for a necklace I had bought her for Christmas last year and decided to open it up. Inside the box sat her wedding ring, this was the first time she had taken it off since the talk of Divorce had been brought up. (What are the odds that I found it the second I woke up?!) Anyways, I called her immediately and when she answered I asked “Why aren’t you wearing your ring today?” She paused for a long while and then explained to me that she didn’t want it on her finger anymore because it’s significance was gone. With that being said I finally broke, I asked her over and over again to tell me the truth about this Divorce talk that quite frankly to me, came out of know where. I explained how there had to be something more influencing her considering how cold she had been and refused to acknowledge my mass amounts of efforts over the last 3 weeks, it was not like her to be that harsh to me. Finally, she said it. “There is another guy.” My heart skipped about 5 beats at that moment as I never, ever thought I would hear my best friend of 11 years say that to me. I confronted her without my kids around when she got home form work and she told me that she had ran into him at a super market months back and then decided to reach out to him afterwards on social media. She had told me that they have been communicating on Instagram for about a month and a half. She then told me that they had met up 2 times on the side of the road before she went to work and 1 time to have lunch while she was at work. She claims that they have kissed once and nothing more.
I eventually logged into her email and Instagram account and read all of the messages that had been sent to one another and man was that a hard thing to read. There were multiple conversations of them bashing me and calling me a lesser man than him. The flirting was intense, lots of it. She pretty much told him every bad thing about me that she could think of and of course he jumped all over it and told her exactly what she wanted to hear like most spineless cowards do when sticking their noses in a marriage.
I eventually told her that I would still be able to forgive her is she could forgive me for the things she claimed I did to contribute to the distance we had reached from one another. She agreed that she would go to counseling with me and give it an honest shot, without him in the picture. She claims that they had come to an agreement that they would not talk to one another until the divorce was final and some time was taken but at this point I don’t know if I can trust her on that.
On Fathers Day weekend last week I had a great weekend with her and my boys. I would lean in to kiss her and she would kiss back, I would rub her back, hold her, etc. and there was no resistance, yet she never once initiated it on her own. We also had sex that weekend and it was very passionate and intimate. We began to have conversations about new projects around the house, new financial plans to take the burden off of us and even new activities to do with one another that we never did before such as working out together. It was great.
But the next day (Monday) she sent me a text out of know where stating that she needed space and that the amount of affection over the weekend was too much for her. I respectfully honored that request but was extremely confused.
Here I am today writing this out and this is where I stand now:
I decided to read her Facebook messenger app when she was getting ready for work this morning only to find her having a terrible conversation with one of her close friends. She was saying that she still felt that she wanted to be with a man that would be a better influence in her sons lives and that she cringed when I would touch her?! We had just had a great Fathers Day weekend and now I read this? I confronted her about it and she just got defensive and mean, explaining that she has the right to confide in other people too. As the day passed by I sent her a very long and heart-felt text that explained my concern that she would suggest replacing me in not only her life but my kids lives as well. I then explained how much I valued our marriage and the amount of time and energy I have been putting in to better myself as a man. She responded by telling me once again about of the terrible things I did to her to push her away and into another mans arms, forcing her to have an emotional affair. She then apologized for being unfaithful and breaking our bonds but followed it up with letting me know that during the time she invested with him emotionally feelings where created and her heart still feels those feelings, claiming that she cant take them back.
After that harsh blow I recovered a bit and scheduled our first appointment for counseling next week. When I told her that we were going she said “that sounds good” and then continued to act normal again.
I just ordered your book “I love you but I am no in Love you” for both of us and I have been browsing your website for 2 days. I want to save my marriage and my family more than anything in the world right now but I don’t know any other way to do it. I have done nothing but focus on myself and tried to give her the space she needs but the trust is shattered and my emotions are all over the place. Does she truly still have some deep love for me that just needs to come back over time? I have done my research about emotional affairs and I have seen that it is very common for them to fizzle out over time due to reality sinking in and the guilt and damage can be too much for both participants. I want to believe that I still have a shot at this but it’s getting hard to do with a broken heart, full of betrayal.
Andrew G. Marshall says
Thanks for your heartfelt message, I do think you have a shot as saving your marriage and the affair is built on fantasy (especially if she thinks another man can bring up her children better than their father). However, you have to be prepared for the affair to take a long time to die. So I have a few other suggestions to read…. ‘My wife doesn’t love me any more’ and ‘How can I ever trust you again’ both will help give you support through the difficult days ahead. My final piece of advice is to look after yourself. (Perhaps consider individual counselling if she is not ready to engage with couple work). Keep strong.