Author & Marital Therapist

Talk to Your Partner About the Menopause

Six Tips to Address a Difficult Subject

Andrew G. Marshall
May 3, 2021
Personal Development

Talking about the Menopause

When there is a difficult subject, we tend to skate round it and hope for the best.

Although this is understandable, it tends to make things worse rather than better. One of the topics that couples find really difficult to talk about is the Menopause. This article explores why, and gives six practical tips to kick-start the conversation.

Andrew

Why are men frightened of talking about the menopause?

We are anxious about saying something that will upset the women in our lives.
It can easily get into a situation when one or both partners feel criticised and many men are afraid of women’s anger.
We don’t have enough information or permission to ask questions.
Our culture still sees menstruation and therefore the menopause as something women deal with privately or talk to their mothers or female friends about.

Why are women frightened of talking to the men they love about the menopause?

Our culture does not talk about the menopause. Full stop.
Women are worried that their partner will not understand or not take them seriously.
Their partners have seen their menstrual cycle in the past as a source of complaints and issues, thereby dismissing or downgrading what were legitimate complaints.
Menopause can be a crisis of self-esteem for women: weight gain, brain fog and acne are among many common symptoms. It can be hard to put this into words with a romantic and sexual partner.
Menopause is a lot to process: there are huge emotional fluctuations associated with hormonal change. Plus, it represents a move from a fertile, younger life-stage to something new and perhaps frightening.
Women may not have a sense of how on board you are willing to be with these changes.
Many women do not themselves have enough information. They may spend months or years feeling confused and upset about what’s happening with hormonal changes that can begin in the late 30s and go on into the 50s. It’s hard for them to articulate what’s happening.

However, this topic has a REAL impact on the couples who I counsel. That’s why I support the work of The Menopause Café to get everybody talking on this topic – not just women.

Rachel Weiss, the CEO of the Menopause Café, recently appeared on my podcast The Meaningful Life with Andrew G. Marshall to spread the word.

In 2017, Rachel Weiss watched a TV programme about the menopause and was inspired to hold a Menopause Café.

This has now turned into an international movement of pop-up events where women and the men in their lives meet to drink tea, eat cake and talk menopause. The Menopause Café is modelled on the Death Café movement, founded by Jon Underwood.

In my interview with Rachel, we discussed women’s experiences of menopause and the impact on their lives and relationships. The menopause has long been a taboo subject, and raises profound issues of shame and silence around the female body. Women have suffered due to the lack of knowledge or public conversation about the menopause, and so have their partners.

The Menopause Café is playing a crucial role in an increasingly more open discourse on the menopause, helping women to live through this stage of their lives with understanding rather than fear and loneliness.

Andrew's Relationship Toolkit

Want regular advice on rebuilding a loving connection with your partner?

Six tips for talking about the Menopause

Listen to the podcast and discuss it, with each of you starting with… ‘What resonated for me the most was…’
Have a talking stick, the person who is speaking holds the stick (or some token) and the other cannot respond until he or she has the stick. This stops interrupting or talking over.
When your partner is speaking, your job is just to listen.
Speak for yourself, use I statements. Talk about your feelings. Do not try to solve your partner’s problems or change their opinion.
Be willing to learn – ask your partner what information has helped them, and commit to reading or watching some of it so that the two of you can talk about it.
Thank each other afterwards.

Menopause resources you might find helpful

The Menopause Cafe – for friendly events to increase awareness of the impact of the menopause on those experiencing it, their friends, colleagues and families.
The Menopause Doctor: on Relationships and the Menopause
#50Sense – an online space for intelligent writing to help you feel better about your older self and your body.
My Second Spring – friendly menopause advice with a light touch, including expert advice sessions.
Amanda Thebe, specialist on menopause and author of Menopocalypse
My interview with sex specialist Tracey Cox on having a great sex life after 50.
My interview with Kay Hutchison on her midlife journey through 37 different kinds of therapy.

Have a question for Andrew?

Andrew has answered many questions over the last decade in the Help & Advice section. Comments on those articles are now closed, but there are other ways you can receive help and join the conversation:

Andrew’s Patreon page has details of his Supporters Club, with an opportunity to submit your question.
Andrew’s team offers Counselling in Berlin, London and via online sessions.
Andrew on Facebook
Andrew on Twitter
Andrew on YouTube

Online Video Counselling Sessions via Skype or Zoom

Working via a secure video call, identify the issues stopping your relationship from flourishing. Find a convenient time for you with an experienced counsellor from the Marshall Method Therapy team.

About Marshall Method Therapy

We believe that relationships run into problems because of poor communication but that good relationship skills can be taught.

We concentrate more on solving current problems than understanding what went wrong. Our approach is solutions-focused.