Right from when the term ‘midlife crisis’ was first introduced in the mid-sixties, there has been controversy about what constitutes one.
However these are the ten most common signs which the majority of experts can agree on—and which I see most commonly in my therapy office.Although, you can have these feelings or behaviours at any point in your life, they most commonly come to the fore in your forties and fifties.
The final sign of the ten is the most telling of a midlife crisis:
- Discontent or bored with life (including people and things) that provided fulfilment beforehand
- Feeling restless and wanting to do something completely different
- Anxiety about the future
- Confusion about who you are or where your life is going
- Irritability, unexpected anger
- Persistent sadness
- Increased use of alcohol, drugs, food, or other compulsions
- Sexual affairs, especially with someone younger
- Fretting about status and the point reached in your career
- Questioning decisions made years earlier and the meaning of life
Five reasons NOT to tell your partner he or she is having a midlife crisis
The midlife crisis seems to explain everything that’s gone wrong with your relationship…if only you could get your partner to take the idea seriously.
However, if you’re not careful you could make matters worse rather than better.
Your partner will hear your concern as an accusation
Although you want to help, because you’re really concerned about your partner’s welfare, he or she is most likely to hear: “you’re the problem” and “sort yourself out”.
Our society treats the midlife crisis as a joke
It is the punchline for greeting cards, a “fun” T-shirt for a dad who has a motorbike: “I’m riding my midlife crisis” or a twitter hashtag for a picture of a new tattoo. But who wants to be a joke?
The message is negative
Although only a small part of the midlife crisis, in my experience, is about getting older and becoming anxious about death, in the popular imagination this is the heart of the crisis. It tells us to “grow up and accept getting older”. Not only is this deeply negative, it doesn’t go the heart of the problem.
It stops you being curious about your partner
Rather than trying to understand your partner’s unhappiness and step into his or her shoes (and seeing if any the complaints might have some basis of truth), you can put them in the “midlife crisis” box and stop listening.
It is better to ask questions than provide solutions
You need to take your partner’s unhappiness seriously and image, for a minute, that everything he or she says is true—because from where your partner is standing it is.
So ask your partner: why is your life no longer meaningful? When he or she comes up with a solution, rather than pouring cold water on it, ask “how would that work?”
Four reasons to be optimistic
It is easy to be overwhelmed by the difficulties and overlook the positives of any crisis.
- Taking stock at the midpoint of your life is natural and necessary. Although the temptation might be to taking a wrecking ball to the first half of your life, it is possible to build on it for the second half.
- There truly is an opportunity to build a better relationship—which reflects who you are today rather than what worked in the past.
- Once you begin to understand and take seriously each other’s point of view—rather than persuade your partner or shock him or her into seeing why he or she is wrong – you can begin to work as team to find a way forward.
- I have three skills to turn your relationship round. If you’ve read my books before you know the first two: how to be assertive (rather than passive or domineering) and how to talk adult-to-adult (rather than becoming critical parent and rebellious or sulky child). The third skill requires plenty of life experience to fully take on board, so I only teach it to people who are forty, fifty or beyond!
My new book
It’s not a Midlife Crisis, It’s an Opportunity: How to be 40 or 50-something Without Going off the Rails will teach ALL the skills needed to help you understand each other, to cope with the fallout from the current crisis and to start talking rather than fighting.
Pete says
Hi! My wife became acting like a teen this year. Ultimately she wanted a trial separation which started 1. of September. She told early April that she doesn’t feel happy and is unsatisfied in our relationship. At first she said she is anxious about out daily life. Then out came the words….i love you but, i’m not in love with you, ILYB, somethings missing, ILYB, it has changed. And then there was the “I’ve lost myself as a woman”, “I don’t know who I am”, “I haven’t been myself for years”. There are outside the marriage of the marriage issues happened. My brother was diagnosed with cancer last December and in May he passed away. My mother-in-law moved in with us(she’s a bit of an alcoholic). My father disappeared in January. Eventually we found out he was in prison. As for the midlife crisis…my wife has 8/10 signs you’ve listed. 8 and 9 are missing as far as I know. I’ve been reading your book ILYBINILWY. What an eyeopener. I ordered my wife doesn’t love me anymore and help your partner say yes to tackle things. The problem is that my wife can only see that our relationship is to blame. I know there are things that we’ve done wrong, no denying that. She doesn’t want to talk about our relationship or feelings or anything regarding us. She basically laughed when I showed her your book. She is in a bad situation now. Her drinking has increased heavily, she sleeps about 4-5 hours and she told that she is in the verge of a breakdown. She doesn’t want any help. She won’t agree to go counselling because all she can say is “I don’t want to be with you right now”. So where to go from here? Should I just let her be and try to figure things out? I’m a bit worried how she deals with our kids(10 and7). She leaves by themselves, makes them do their own laundry etc. Is this about midlife crisis or a case of ILYB or a bit both?
Andrew G. Marshall says
Sadly if she doesn’t want help, you can’t make her take it. You can, however, think about what you can do differently to change the dynamic. You can ask her what practical support you can give – for example with looking after the children. You could avoid talking when she’s tired and been drinking – because that will just spark another pointless row. And yes, you’re right ‘I’ve lost myself as a woman’ does sound like part of an identity crisis (and therefore tied in with the midlife crisis too). Sorry to ass another book to your list but try ‘It’s not a midlife crisis, it’s an opportunity’. It’s going to be hard but focus on what you can change – your behaviour, your reaction and your half of the relationship.
Pete says
Thanks for the reply! I will take another book up for read. Hopefully things will sort out one way or another. There’s actually no chance to talk about our relationship. My wife told me that for at least the next two months no talk about feelings or relationship etc. Just practical business about kids and stuff. She feels pressured when it comes to our relationship and says she is running further when pressured. So I’m not going to talk about any of that until she feel ready. And maybe some counselling when she feels ready. I’ll keep you posted. And thank you for your books. They do help cope with situation like this.
Michele says
On Memorial Day 2017, my husband told me that he drifted away from me emotionally because I wasn’t available for years between my high anxiety, work, kids, house….etc….and he developed feelings for someone at work. Nothing physical except for hugging, but ILY was exchanged. She is married with two kids as well. He initially agreed to go to marriage counseling saying that our marriage was most important to save. By September, he stopped going with me because he realized that he felt intense anger, resentment, hurt, and disappointment towards me because he gave me everything he had and I did not reciprocate, so he moved on. Since then, he has become more and more angry, distant, and reclusive. His job/career has always been an issue, as he has never found satisfaction from what he does and has a hell of a time trying to find other opportunities. He pulled away from home slowly, saying that everything in our house feels negative. He feels distant and that he has to leave there. So finally just under a month ago, he left and is staying near his job in hotels, about an hour and a half away from where me and our two sons (17, 15) live. I have gotten emails from him on occasion where he says that the person who he was has died, and I should move on as if he did….He prefers to have little to no contact with me and I have had to accept this and let it go. He did start individual counseling and went about 3 times and is now considering not going anymore. I feel like his life is imploding and he believes that his only true happiness is with this other person from work, even though they have not taken their relationship outside of the office. He says that he has not been fulfilled or satisfied at home with me and will not spend the rest of his life unfulfilled–even though all the things that he indicated were wrong, I have completely changed and have maintained the change for many months…He doesn’t want to regret having spent the rest of his life with me–even though I am one of the most important people in his life and he cares for me immensely. I feel like he has gone off the rails and there is nothing I can do about it because the more I drew closer to him in the months after the disclosure, he pushed further away. I have now had to let go for me–because it has been killing me and not helping the situation anyway. He is not remotely close to being in a place to reconcile because he doesn’t know what he wants. I have read the ILU but book and have also read through the Midlife crisis/opportunity book and found that what he is experiencing with the other person sounds very much like what you describe in the book. I just don’t know what to do except give him the space he has asked for and live my life. I don’t want a divorce but right now I do not know who this person is.
Andrew G. Marshall says
Sadly, you can’t sort out someone else’s mid life crisis for them… Sadly, he does not want help from professionals – to look at the problems and find a way forward for himself. However, I’m glad you’ve been doing what you can do: attending to yourself. If this situation is killing you – which I can certainly believe – you do need to step back. Give him the space. Remain polite. Look after yourself. One of two things will happen, he will discover that this woman is not the answer to his prayers and he will begin to address his problems (rather than use her as distraction) and maybe he will begin to realise you are not the enemy. Alternatively, he will plow on in the same destructive path. Hopefully, by that stage, you will be stronger and be able to let him go. Whatever happens, you don’t need to make any long term decisions right now. Sending you best regards
Amei says
Summary
My husband will turn age 49 this month. He’s been very quite and showing a lot of resentment toward me for a year now. He said he’s been miserable and a failure for the past 10 years and blamed me for everything. But actually he is actually doing pretty well professionally. So, to me, his sudden change a year ago was quite surprising. He refuses any couple therapy or individual counseling for he thinks they are all full of BS. All his weird symptoms are only showing when he is at home.
Background
My husband and I met in college in China and we have since been together for almost 30 year. We went to the states in early 90s and lived and worked there for 15 years. I still remember those old days when we worked in the cafeteria in the university at a minimum wage of $4.25. On a hot summer day, we walked a long distance while carrying a bag of rice to the apartment we rented in Queens just to save the subway fares. Over all these years, my husband and I have been living and growing together without any major conflicts and we have a lovely 12 year old daughter.
We then moved back to China in 2007. Our daily lives got busier with work schedules in the fast growing economy . Sometimes things didn’t go well with the in-laws as all of a sudden they were so close and I was not used to losing personal space after staying away all those years. But our relationship was still good and intimate as we continued sharing our learnings and feelings as we went through ups and downs in life.
Silence/emotional violence
It seemed quite sudden to me that my husband went silent a year ago. He just simply doesn’t talk to me anymore. When I ask him why he changed so dramatically, he said everything was my fault and he felt he had been looked down all those years by me and my parents.
My parents
My parents went to one of the top universities in China which is something they are proud of all their lives. But my husband and I also went to a very good university in China so I don’t understand why my husband would feel inferior in front of my parents. My parents live in another city and only come to our place once a year during Chinese spring festival for two weeks. We don’t need to take care of them physically or financially. They are fond of my husband and have never really expressed any negative comments about him even to me.
Since my parents went through poverty like many other Chinese people did in 70s and 80s, they live their lives trying to save up as much as they could. My husband said that my parents’ influence has been with us all those years even though they don’t live with us and that’s why we didn’t buy an apartment when we moved back 11 years ago. In my recollections, the reason we didn’t buy an apartment when we came back to China was because it was already very expensive back then and a lot more expensive than most of the houses in the US. Then the real estate prices went up like a rocket during the past 10 years and we just didn’t know when to get in the market any more.
I suggest to my husband that with the savings we have and the incomes we make currently, we can still afford to buy an apartment nowadays in China. But he said everything is too late and in his view, both my parents and I are like evil religions as we worship thrifty living and look up to my dad as a super hero. He said his colleagues who are in their 20s and make even less than what he pays for income tax are living in a much better way as they spent money cheerfully as they wish. But he has to live in a rented apartment all because of the influence from me and my parents.
Our overall living conditions are comfortable as we could afford oversee travels, our daughter’s private school tuition, summer camp in the states every year. Our family income is probably at top 1%-3% in China. Hence, this makes me think that my husband’s frustration and resentment are not about money or a missed opportunity of buying an apartment 11 years ago.
My husband
He doesn’t drink. He is not an alcoholic. He doesn’t smoke. He doesn’t do drugs. He doesn’t gamble. He is not physically violent. He doesn’t spend much money on his own. He works hard for his job and earns a good amount of annual income.
He just all of a sudden doesn’t want to talk to me. He leaves home before 9 o’clock in the morning and doesn’t return until 10 or 11 in the evening. Sometimes, he said he had meal at work and rest of the time, he eats dinner after he comes home when is really late. In weekends, he stays home either working on his laptop or spending time on his phone. He goes out jogging once a week. When I send him messages during the day about our daughters’ doing or pictures, he doesn’t respond.
He doesn’t speak a word if I don’t initiate any talk. If he has to respond, he replies with words as simply as possible to the degree that he is almost like a conversation terminator.
Our only connection is through bank accounts for he hasn’t changed the password to his payroll deposit account yet so I could still login and withdrawal money for living expenses which is the way we have agreed and arranged all these years.
I don’t know if his behaviors of stonewalling have anything to do with midlife crisis or depression. Also, my gut feeling is that he doesn’t seem like having an extramarital affair.
Overall, friends and coworkers would speak highly of him, for he appears nice and decent in both the professional world and the social network.
He functions well with everyone else, his parents, our daughter and his coworkers. He just doesn’t talk to me.
What I have been doing since his sudden change
I have been doing a lot of readings and soul searching in the past 12 months. I have listened to Esther Perel on YouTube about the challenges in intimate relationships. I have read books by Mark Nepo on growing self-awareness and spirituality. Recently, I have listened to audio books, such as , and .
Though I understand now that I am responsible for my own happiness and unhappiness and I shall not expect my partner to change to serve me satisfaction, it is still excruciatingly difficult to live in such dead quietness at home as my husband doesn’t want to talk to me about almost anything.
Every time I ask him about his stonewalling, he says everything had been my fault and my parents were evil and he was a victim of the situation we put him in. He said because of this, he hates me and he hates himself as well for allowing this to happen to him.
I suggest to my husband we sign up for marriage counseling. He said there are no real psychologists or therapists in China as they are just full of BS. Then I said let’s sign up programs offered online in the US, he said it’s all nonsense as well and he doesn’t believe in any of those. He said that he is perfectly fine by living in a way that no one could force him to say or do anything that he doesn’t want to. He also says that anything to be done for this marriage is too late.
This is really puzzling to me. I don’t know whether he is going through some internal soul-searching or simply wanting a divorce or this is so call midlife crisis.
Therapy session on midlife crisis – I watched a video on Youtube discussing midlife transformation and got in touch with the therapist in Hawaii. He explained to me that going through midlife crisis is like going through adolescence. There may be 2 personalities residing in one body, the old self and the new self and the mindset may switch and swing between the 2 selves. Therefore, I need to give my husband space because I am like a mirror for him reminding him the old self that he tries to fight off so it’s better that I don’t get in the way. The Hawaii therapist also explained that the reason my husband acts normal and functions well in the professional world is because he works in the survival mode once he leaves home.
Therapy session on finding out and knowing who I am – Several months ago, I was reading a book titled . I got in touch with the author and got a session arranged with him. This therapist suggested that I leave my husband alone in the way that whenever I think of my husband for the things I think he disappoints me, I shall let go of the stories. Instead, I need to notice the feeling inside me to focus on how the situation makes me feel. In other words, don’t focus on the problems, but rather focus on the feelings I am experiencing that are resulted from the problems to really know who I am by staying with my feeling and facing my own vulnerability.
I moved on to read Eckhart Tolle’s books and gained the understanding that relationships don’t create problems but bring out problems inside people. This helps to explain to me why the 2nd therapist, the book author said relationships are designed to help us find who we really are. I have come to realize that though I can’t fix my marriage, I can change myself to be more self-conscious and more accepting to what is happening in life.
New development in the past two months
Recently, my husband said he wanted to move out. I said that would be fine only if he could have a couple of sessions with experts to talk about his angers and anxieties. He agreed. I referred him to the book author I mentioned above and after that, he didn’t mention about moving out. He didn’t share any feedback from the session with me either. He then changed his bank account for the payroll deposits without informing me. So now I don’t have access to his income, which is something he’s never done since we were together. He said he wanted independence. Since I am the one who runs errands and arranges household payments and now that I no longer have access to his income, I showed him last month’s household expenditure to see if he is still willing to take some responsibilities. He ended up transferring last month’s whole amount of expenditure to my bank account and kept the remaining in his new account that I don’t have information of. This kind of financial arrangement may not be abnormal for some couples but new to us.
I went back to review message exchanges between me and my husband in the past 12 months and notice that as I become more self-conscious and awakened, my husband drifts further and further away from me by becoming quieter and quieter. I haven’t seen the bottom yet if there is one in this process.
I understand my husband needs to go through alone whatever he is suffering from a spiritual perspective. But, I still can’t help wondering if he is having not only midlife crisis, but also depression to some degree. One more thing to note is that his grandma committed suicide when he was 14 years old. Recently I asked my in laws if my husband’s grandma was showing any depression symptoms before she committed suicide and they denied depression as the cause of her death completely by blaming everything to the circumstances and my husband’s uncle. This made me realize how little even at the present time people in China know about depression as their viewpoint is still blocked by stories after stories.
Thanks for reading this far. Really hope to get your advice.
Andrew G. Marshall says
What a painful and difficult time you have been having. It is certainly possible that your husband is depressed. He could be having a mid-life crisis – by which I mean he realises that he is not going to live forever and if that is the case what is he doing with his life, especially if he is feeling it is empty. So certainly read my book ‘It’s not a midlife crisis, it’s an opportunity to find out more. However, the situation is more complex than ‘find out what is wrong with your husband’ and then ‘fix’ him and ‘normal service will be resumed.’
So let’s the review the situation. Your husband is profoundly sad and he has reached some conclusions about what might be at the bottom of it. He believes it is the influence of your family on you and his failure. Now I have to download an idea into your head: our internal reality is reality (for us). However, you see things very differently and you have spent a long time telling me why he is WRONG. And your reality is just as valid. But we have a BIG problem, the two of you cannot talk about your problems – because you are trying to convince him that he’s wrong and he is just silent.Either, you are a better arguer or he has just given up debating with you because it gets him nowhere – probably a mix of the two.
So I would ask: what would happen if you imagined (for a second) that everything he is says is true (from where he is standing). What would you do differently? If you love him, can you find a middle way? Can you listen to him without debating? Could he then open up?
Amei says
Thank you so much Andrew for your advice.
Your book is on the way so I will be reading it very soon 🙂
I am willing to listen to what my husband has to say without judging or debating, but he doesn’t say a word these days. So, I am clueless as to how to get our communication going from 0 to 1.
Just wondering if I could have a session with you to discuss.
Thanks again.
Rhonda says
Within a year of so of being diagnosed with diabetes, my husband began to ‘notice women more’. Although he says he was not concerned with the changes diabetes meant for him (He had always been very active and healthy.), I know he had to become accustomed to injecting insulin and struggling with the idea of ultimately using an insulin pump. About six months after starting insulin injections, he began receiving testosterone injections. Fast forward another year, and he is fantasizing about being rich, famous, and the object of affection of one of our female friends. Shortly thereafter, he starts thinking about how many of our friends have remarried and lead less stressful lives. Let me also add that as well as the health issues, he was passed by for several promotions and we experienced bankruptcy, our son graduated from high school, several friends and family members died , and I returned to graduate school and a demanding job.
Needless to say, all this was a recipe for disaster. I’m not sure if it was the decrease in time together (although we were seemingly happy, went out together for dinner regularly, and had a good intimate life) or all these other outside stressors. I felt that we were working well as a team and were content most of the time.
So, maybe four or five years after all this begins, he decides that he thinks that there is something wrong with our marriage. He loves me and has never cheated, he says, and does not want to leave me, but has enjoyed thinking about other women, not only sexually but in a relationship context. He also has a long list of ways I have disappointed him. My questions are these: Does it take several years for this unhappiness to come to a head? What causes it to finally reach a critical point, where he can’t hold it in any longer? Is this about me or him? I’m not sure because he seems to have concentrated on the relationship aspect of things, but problems at work and everyday life, I know, took a toll on both of us. Does this sound like a midlife crisis or a relationship crisis? Do the insulin or testosterone injections factor any into this? I am still trying to understand my part in this. If he was happy in our marriage, why so many thoughts about other women?
Andrew G. Marshall says
There is something about a relationship crisis which ends up with BLAME at the top of the menu. I am not 100% certain how much the person in crisis blames and how much their partner hears blame. Personally, I don’t see much point in apportioning blame. It just makes everyone defensive. I prefer to roll up my sleeves and start to sort it out. But I will do my best to answer your questions. I would not be at all surprised if a lot of the problems are down to your husband’s personal circumstances – serious illness, bankruptcy all make you look at your life through fresh eyes. Personally, I think that’s great if you look deeply and ask the three important questions about life: Who am I? What makes my life meaningful? What are my values (rather than those of my parents, society or the Pope)? Sadly these are all difficult questions and we like to answer easy questions like ‘how can I make my life easier?’ If you don’t tackle the big existential questions – that help you move from the first half to the second half of your life – then sure you will have what is commonly called a midlife crisis. (It does not need to be, see my book ‘It’s not a midlife crisis, it’s an opportunity’) You are not responsible for making his life meaningful – you are his life companion, not his therapist, his mother of his entertainment’s officer! If there are things that need to change in your marriage – after all you are not the same person that got married all those years ago – that’s fine. After all, you are up for listening, discussing and negotiating change. I would not be surprised if there are many misunderstandings – things you both said in anger or were simply interpreted in ways neither of you expected. It is also good to look at the shades of grey. You can be happy in your marriage – in general – but upset about some bits. Ask him why so many thoughts about other women? It could be that he has a vivid imagination and there is no harm in a bit of fantasy. It could be that he is unhappy about parts of your sex life (while still being happy in general). So it him or is it both of you (and how you communicate). Yes to both of those. Does it take a while for unhappiness to come to a head. Yes. It comes in waves and recedes. If you can talk about it, it gets better (because it is good to be heard and for things to change). I am not a doctor but of course the testosterone and insulin will play a part. How much? Who cares? What matters is that you both start talking. You both express what you would like to be different – both inside and outside the bedroom. If you can’t talk without getting into apportioning blame, I would suggest a good couple’s therapist to help.
Rhonda says
Thank you so much for responding. I agree that assigning blame is not the answer, but I cannot get concrete answers as to how he wants our relationship to change, If he says he was happy, yet did indulge in these type of ‘conquering hero,’ type of fantasies, is that more indicative of his problems being with me or his own sense of self? I feel that rather than admit he was feeling overwhelmed, he resorted to creating scenarios where he was in control of everything- including sexual aspects. If this is true, are there still underlying issues about our marriage bothering him or just everyday stress that comes with life? No says no, but I doubt his sincerity. Simply put, if he doesn’t include me in these escapes, is it because I am part of the problem? He denies this, but is very apt to avoid conflict.
Andrew G. Marshall says
Men are trained to act rather than think, analyse and understand emotions. Therefore, I don’t think he is being ‘insincere’ about problems in your marriage – just that he hasn’t thought deeply or cannot find the words to express his emotions. As for the underlying issues…. I would be very surprised if they are not about him – especially if he avoids conflict. Small matters, grow into bigger ones and finally seemingly impossible ones. But when you start to talk properly they shrink down into something more manageable. So if I had to guess, the problems will be 85% about him – but because he does not express himself properly there will be marriage problems (caused by misunderstandings, more communication etc…). I would suggest reading my book ‘Why did I cheat? How to help your partner and yourself recover from your affair. It will give you an insight into why affair happen, your husband and you could use it as a way to talk about the changes the two of you need to make (and hopefully start him off on a journey of self-discovery).