A Reader Writes…
I was with my ex partner for 9.5 years and we lived together for 6.5 years. For the most part we had a really good relationship but we separated 16 months ago. I had left a job in which I really excelled and had a wonderful team that gave me a real sense of community and moved to a job where I was immediately targeted by a bully. My partner was also suffering from anxiety at the time was not able to support me emotionally, I felt that i always had to be the one that was emotionally strong and support her. I decided to study part-time and had a self-medicating affair (that did not become sexual) with a fellow student.
I tried to be honest with my partner about my feelings for my new ‘friend’ but when I did she was very distraught and fell on the floor crying. I took it back and said that I was just confused. We stayed together for a further year and a half but I kept in text contact with my ‘friend’ for four months after my admission and made no attempt to hide this from my partner. I attended counselling which was really helpful and when I finished 1-1 counselling I asked my partner to attend couples counselling with me. She was starting a new job and asked if we could put it off, so I agreed to that.
After we separated I was certain and consistent in my desire to reconcile but my ex kept changing her mind saying that she would love to be with me then saying she couldn’t because she loved me too much and “could not go back there”. She joined dating sites as soon as we separated and was out dating again only weeks after she moved out of our home.
5 months after we separated she drunkenly told me that she loved me and wanted to have our life back, she tried to clear the air and told me that she had seen an email from me to one of my friends admitting that I was texting this other person constantly but in the morning she said that she was really confused and decided to opt for a rebound person over me, which ended badly. When the rebound thing ended she told me that she needed to stop distracting herself from confronting our break up. She has never really confronted it, she has not wanted to understand what really happened in our relationship or with my friend and just things that I fell in love with someone younger and more attractive and has never taken any responsibility for things going wrong.
Only about a week after her rebound thing ended and 8 months after separating from me she met someone else online and this is working out very well from her. It seems to be a very loving relationship, they have lasted 8 months long distance and now her new partner is moving in with her. My problem is that I still hope that this is another rebound relationship. You have said that, when on the rebound, people play out some of the issues in the previous relationship. She does seem to be playing things from the other side vis-a-vis some of the dead bodies in our relationship.
I have spent a lot of time reflecting on our relationship and my own part in its demise and truly believe that if she had just had the courage to give things a chance we would have been very happy together I’d love nothing more than to be with her and don’t really want to start from scratch with someone new but I don’t know if I’ll ever get the chance. I also realise that even if her new relationship does not work out she may not necessarily want me but I am certainly never going to get the chance while she in limerence and building a new life with someone else.
I was wondering if you have any idea how long someone can play out the issues of an old relationship in a rebound relationship as I need help understanding rebound relationships?
Andrew Replies…
It is very common to play out a lot of the issues in one relationships in the next – because we think if someone really connects with us (and therefore understands us) that they will do anything to avoid causing us pain (after all isn’t that what’s love is all about). So the solution to the problems seems really easy – find someone else.
Except the problems are not superficial, they go deep into the fabric of who we are and how we see the world. Worse still, it’s not just about the other person but how we perceive their behaviour.
So for example, if we see our partner as CONTROLLING, the easiest way to sort that one out is to find someone who is not controlling. Simple! Except, we can find someone who is a doormat and start ordering them about instead. So it’s the same dynamic but we’re swapped roles. Alternatively, we can not recognise that the new partner is controlling because under the influence of limerence (the crazy part of falling in love) we are blind to our partners failings or see them as cute (she has strong opinions but that’s because she really loves me and wants the best for me). Alternatively, we can hear control when none is meant so an innocent question like ‘what time will you be back’ is heard as ‘I NEED to know what time you will be back EXACTLY and if you’re a minute late I will EXPLODE.’
So how long will someone continue to play out the issues of one relationship in another? I would love to be able to give a fixed figure but if it is something that goes back to her childhood it’s perfectly possible to spend a life-time replaying the same issues over and over again (but with different people). If we don’t learn from the past then we’re doomed to repeat it. That’s why I’m really keen for people to learn from a break up – rather than leaping into another rebound relationship to make themselves feel instantly better.
So I applaud the time you’ve spent understanding what happened but don’t put too much energy into trying to fix your ex. It’s hard enough to work on ourselves! And that’s where your focus should be.
Sandra says
I LOVE the sounds, the smlels the feel of Christmas. Putting up decorations and driving around looking at lights while singing the carols on the radio/ipod. Spending time with my big crazy family playing games and watching Christmas movies together. I HATE that people (mostly adults rather than children) feel obligated to GET presents, make lists of what they want and turn it into the “stuff”. That’s NOT what Christmas is.
Ashia (Shay) Holmes says
I was married for 3 years, in this time my spouse cheated with several woman making 4 other outside children and then was later incarcerated. I divorced him. I met another man at the college I attend. We hit things off fairly well, We started dating , grew feelings rather quickly (professing and saying we love each other), moved in together and got married. After we got married he seemed to change for the worse, for example not really holding down a job (supporting the household), he began to be verbally abusive. I noticed he registered for a few dating sites or rather had been registered with them the whole time we dated, and gotten married. I was not pleased!
Once he noticed the ideal of him cheating offended me when ever we would get in to arguments he would make statements like “I have been cheating on you anyway” We have argued so bad at times that his even got physical with me. The most recent incident resulted in me coming home from work mouthing off asking him to get his things and leave. During the car ride he tries to talk out the issue, however; I had grown so fed up with our relationship I told him I was not interested in talking I wanted him to leave. He instantly went from understanding to “crazy” and snatched my cell phone, (refusing to give it to me). Once I pulled up to his destination he tried to take my keys out of my vehicle to leave me stranded and steal my purse with my wallet (Id, credit cardit etc.) After a tug-a-war battle that resulted in me taking two elbows to the face someone near by called the police in which he was arrested for assault. I had already filed for divorce 60 days prior to this event , so naturally the next following day I showed up to the uncontested divorce court and divorced him. We have only been divorced 3 days.
Now that we are divorced and he is living about 1 hour away he has asked me if we can still date but live separate while he works on himself and that he hopes that we could one day get married again. At times I wonder if it would help and then other times I just want to run. I love him and this is hard. How can I avoid this type of relationship in the future.
Andrew G. Marshall says
One abusive husband is unlucky. Tow is beginning to look like a pattern. Thinking about how to return to a man who was so violent and controlling passers by call the police is beginning to look like a habit. Fortunately, you have begun to look at yourself and ask why am I attracted to men like this? My guess is that they are familiar in some way – most probably your father was volatile, a ladies man (charming on the outside and manipulative and controlling underneath) or he might have just been violent. Look after yourself and find someone to help you go through your past and understand how you need to change so you can find a good man.
mrs d says
When is it a good idea to end a marriage, rather than trying to fix it? My husband has been emotionally cruel, bullying, verbally abusive, name calling, accusing and has threatened to hit me. He did slap me in the face once.
I left him, but he fell apart emotionally and promised to change and go to counseling, and admitted his abuse. I felt very guilty about tearing apart our family, so I gave him another chance. I do love him, but am not happy with our marriage. I feel as though I am losing my own sense of self and personal identity. He makes me feel guilty if I try to take care of myself at all, calling it selfish. I can’t exercise because it means I’m selfish and a bad mother, according to him. If I eat healthier, then i am obsessive about health and have an eating disorder, according to him. If I take care of my appearance, I’m looking for other men, according to him. I feel manipulated, controlled and beaten down emotionally. I feel like I am compromising too much of myself, my physical and emotional health by staying. But the guilt about leaving feels overwhelming. Also, are affairs always toxic? are relationships that develop with someone else during a marriage always destined to fail? How do you differentiate a “rebound”relationship from just a relationship?
Andrew G. Marshall says
If he has agreed to go for counselling and does not follow through (or goes and does not engage with the process and continues in his abusive behaviour)) that is the time to leave. He is just using the promise of chance to get you back – and although he seems to mean he will change it is just enough to get you back in the box. Onto your next question: Are affairs always toxic? In your situation: YES YES YES. Your husband will be doubly controlling, he will use ever trick in the book to make you feel doubly guilty and make your life doubly miserable. The end of the relationship will be all YOUR FAULT in his eyes and he will be unbearable. Add in your guilt and I bed you not to do it. Leaving him will be hard enough without all this added mess. Next question… are relationships started as affairs bound to fail. Under the pressure, that I have just described, the other man would need to be a saint. And that brings me to the last question, how do you know it’s not a rebound relationship. In a nutshell, you have learnt the lessons of your first marriage. Why did you end up in an abusive relationship? Were you trained for it by your childhood? Did someone else treat you in the same push you away and pull you back in? Your mother or father? If you don’t learn the lessons from your marriage, you are likely to find yourself with a new partner in the old dynamic. Alternatively, you could punish your new man for what the old man did.