Being angry is a natural response to a mid-life crisis but it builds a wall between the two of you. So what’s the alternative?
A Reader Writes…
I bought “I love you but….” after my husband gave me that exact speech in April last year. I found it very helpful, but my husband didn’t want to read it. We got together when he was 17, I was 22. We’ve been together 17 years, moved in together after 5 years, got married in 2001, have 2 young boys aged 6 and 5. He said that he felt like in the blink of an eye it was 2011, 17 years later and he didn’t know what he’d done with his life. It sounded like a typical mid-life crisis to me – his life had gotten humdrum, work had turned particularly pressured (and in a way made him powerless) and he seemed to blame me for his lot in life. We had a fantastic marriage in truth – always good to each other, always in love, we were “the” couple. He now says that he always backed down to me before I even knew there was anything to back down about – I am quite principled!
He thinks that he made all these sacrifices for me, but I gave up a lot for him too – I just wasn’t as audible about it, nor was I keeping score. I gave up on the notion of pursuing the career I had always wanted – for him, mainly because it would have meant that I had to give up my role as breadwinner, and go to university. He earned half my salary at the time. The things he “gave up” for me were things like going to restaurants where there were good vegetarian options because I am a vegetarian and he eats meat. I think he feels emasculated because I was always the Doer – I had to do the complaining if we ever got short-changed in anything, from restaurant service, to more major things. I did the household finances, I took care of the house, shopped around for the best deals on things like mortgages, insurance etc which meant that we got to live a more lavish lifestyle because I am savvy with things. I did the grocery shopping, cooked, did most of the housework. He couldn’t be bothered with any of that bar a bit of cooking and housework, and left it to me. He took the easy road every time, and sat back to let me do it, and now he is complaining that I took the reins. I often said to him that it would be nice not to have all the responsibility, and that he should be more involved. He had no inclination.
We tried to talk things through after the speech – following your advice that moving out doesn’t help people to work on anything. But he was adamant that he would move out and in July he got himself a flat and has been there ever since. Just before he moved out, he started to really mess me about – even on the day we’d agreed was his moving out day, he decided to move it back a week saying that he’d told the boys that he’s stay for the week – but hadn’t told me!!! Consideration for me had vanished into the air!
When he did move out, despite the reassurances that we would still see each other, spend time as a family and go on the odd date, he proceeded to completely ignore my existence! I tackled him on it, but he said that he just didn’t know what to say. To this day he says that he didn’t have an affair, or leave me for someone else, but I found out that in February this year (so 8 months after our separation) he was having a fling with “some tart” those are his words, not mine, I still don’t know who she is as he won’t tell me – it’s none of my business apparently! Our marriage was over, so it’s fine – in his eyes. It only lasted a couple of months apparently. To me it nearly destroyed me – I didn’t eat or sleep for a week when I found out about it (through a friend who saw them).
I asked him why he didn’t want to work on things – after all, in your book there are plenty of examples of couples who worked on things and made their marriages even better than they had been before! He said that he just didn’t want to!
I have been incredibly angry with him, understandably so I might add, although I admit that getting angry was most certainly not steering anyone or anything in the right direction. I have now let go of that anger. However, we all meet this week with our solicitors to go over our finances with regard to the divorce that he has coerced me into giving him (if you don’t divorce me, I will divorce you).He wrote me a long email yesterday which was had a very bitter and angry tone to it – starting with “the truth, this is going to hurt but here goes” in which he spouted out the above reasons. He seemed to be very protective over his family as every reason centred around them – either his mum, his dad or his sister. “you said nothing to my family when we all went out for dad’s birthday” was one such example – he forgot that I was worried sick about a pain I had in my lower left side at the time (I hadn’t even mentioned it to him, for fear of what it might turn out to be) All he could think of was his family and their offence! Also, his mum and dad tried to blackmail us into having some guests at our wedding that we didn’t want because they didn’t know us, we didn’t know them. This was over 10 years ago. I stood up to them, but in the end he wanted to back down to keep the peace. I stood my ground. In the end, we cancelled the wedding plans and got married in vegas instead, just us two, without telling any one. He says that is his biggest regret – that I wouldn’t back down for him!!!!
The truth is, as far as I can see, he wanted yet again to take the easy road, but unfortunately I was tied into that particular situation and I don’t take the easy road, I take the “right” road.
But he now blames me for the ensuing damage that was done to his relationship with his parents – although we patched everything up, he felt that things have never quite been the same.All he did in that email was pluck out a very few instances where maybe I’d had an off-day, or he’d misunderstood something and drawn his own (incorrect) conclusions – he was feasting on the crumbs! Those few examples were all he could extract in a negative light from our 17 years together. And that was worth ending it all for in his eyes. Personally, I don’t believe people can “act” that happy for that many years. Something would have shown, or alarmed me. Plus there’s no way I would have had children with someone I had the slightest doubt about.
He says that our sex life fizzled out – well, we’d sometimes go for a month with no sex – I was exhausted – my days were very hectic – buzzing around work, the boys, cooking, running the house, etc – My husband didn’t get home until their bed time because we had to move our shifts around to cope with the kids and their pre-schooling and schooling. My confidence wasn’t particularly great at the time – I wanted my pre-baby body back and didn’t feel great about how I looked. He did nothing to assuage this feeling and so I admit that I exacerbated the situation – when you are so incredibly busy you have to make the time for things like exercise and sex, it’s all too easy to let it slip. Plus, I knew that this phase was temporary, our children were about to start proper, full-time school, meaning that life was about to get a lot easier in terms of our working hours. We had already booked a week off work during term time so that we could spend it as a couple (one day was already earmarked to spend in bed!!) But that was to come several months too late and never happened.
I know that he is in turmoil – he has turned into someone else I don’t recognise – if you told me that an alien is occupying his body I would almost believe it! Like I said, it seems to be a cliché mid-life crisis and that’s the one thing that I feel your book could elaborate on further – he doesn’t seem to think our marriage was great any more – he has re-written history to justify his actions and he thinks there was nothing worth saving. Our poor boys are going to grow up without him – he’ll only be seeing them every other weekend – so that means that all the parenting gets left to me, and he gets to be mr funbags twice per month.
Is there now wisdom out there that can make a guy realise what he is throwing away? It is frustrating because he has never had any trouble in his life – no one close to him has died, he’s never had health problems, we’ve always been okay for money, we have good jobs, our lovely beautiful, healthy kids, – his life has been so trouble free that I wonder whether he sees minor things as being major because there’s nothing to put it all in perspective. I think that if he truly faced up to what he has done to our family he would jump off a bridge! He has been so awful to me since moving out.
All he wants is divorce, that’s all he can see – the easy road – run away. What can one possibly do to make him realise what he has done? What can bring someone out of a midlife crisis?
Andrew Replies…
I’m picturing you delivering this letter with your hands on your hips, your voice is really angry and from time to time, you’re shouting and you’re wagging your finger. So I’m left with slightly different questions: How can I make you realise YOUR part in all this? How I stop you making his mid-life crisis 100% worse? How can I stop you from driving him to the bridge and throwing him off!
Before I go one word further, I reiterate what I put in my book. This problem is six of one and half a dozen of the other. If he was writing to me, I’d be telling him to stop running away from your anger, to listen and accept that you have lots of legitimate reasons to be angry…. but it’s not him that’s written it’s you. So I know this is going to be tough but I’m going to put a mirror up and hopefully you will stop and think. At the moment, you are heading not just for a divorce but a bitter and horrible one – the sort that your children will talk to their therapist about in the future. (I know I’ve heard it a million times.) When I’ve finished, you could decide that you don’t want to try and save this marriage and that he’s hurt you too much (and that would be completely understandable) but if you want to save this marriage, you will need to make changes yourself.
So please re-read your letter with the following thoughts in mind
1. I’m not surprised that he backs down. You come across as more than ‘quite principled.’ In fact, you put even stronger yourself….. your husband takes the ‘easy’ road and you take the ‘right’ road! You don’t just challenge that your husband was unhappy in your marriage but tell me ‘we had a fantastic marriage IN TRUTH’. I’ve had hundreds of letters from women in your position – just a bewildered and angry – but they write ‘I THOUGHT we had a happy marriage’. How can your husband debate, discuss and suggest alternatives to someone on the RIGHT road who knows the TRUTH. You either march behind or leave!
2. Like lots of couples that reach this point, you are both doing the very thing that you’re accusing the other of doing. For example, you complain that he’s been keeping score and then give me the score on your behalf. What I’d like you to think about is…. not who got us into this hole (because you will argue about this until the end of time) but how do we get out of the hole? (I will explain how later…)
3. Please stop catastrophising. Not only does it make you angry and more distraught but it makes you push him further away. For example: ‘My poor boys are going to grow up without him’ – you make it sound like he’s moving to the moon or truly jumping off the bridge – and it is logically incompatible with him being ‘Mr Fun Bags’ (while you are what, Mrs Discipline?) No wonder, you’re upset but you’re also making a bad situation into a catastrophe.
Let me stress, I would like him to change too. To be assertive rather than passive (under point one) to stop running away and face the music (under point two) and I bet he is catastrophising too. (I’ll have a guess at what’s going on in his head in a moment.)
Here’s what I’d like you both to do (but I’ve only got your attention, so you’ll have to start and model a way forward and he’ll follow)….. put yourself in each other’s shoes, for just a moment, and imagine every word he/you say is true. Let’s start with sex (and my example of how his catastrophising might work.) He has only know one woman his whole life and she will grudgingly give him sex about once a month and if he’s really good, he might get it again at some distant week in the future. But he’s never going to have passionate sex again! No wonder, he’s having a mid-life crisis, he’s retiring from sex and not even 40! At best, he’s scheduled after the children and everything else for an occasional week once in a while. (If I was writing to him, I’d be asking if he was doing enough to help you feel sexual as having children does nothing for a woman’s body image.)
Blame?
If you think I’m blaming you for this sorry situation. I apologise. I could just as easily blame his mother for treating him like a golden child who could never do any wrong or for being depressed and unpredictable so he learnt to tiptoe round women rather than being honest. I could equally blame his father for running away – either emotionally (shutting down) or physically (by leaving) – and not teaching him how to communicate effectively with women. I could blame the people who make millions from running ‘adult dating sites’ who promote the idea of a guilt free affair which will ‘save’ marriages. I could blame our society that values men more for what they earn rather than who they are – which makes men overwork and self-medicate their stress with alcohol and porn. I could blame all men for thinking that being strong means bottling up our feelings and for not talking to each other. If the men at his work were honest about their lives post-divorce, no sane man would rush blindly into junking his marriage. I could go on but what I’m saying is blame is pointless. It makes everybody angry and defensive and makes a bad situation worse.
If he’s blaming you, what should you do? Think of blame as being a parcel, just because he’s handing it to you it doesn’t mean that you’ve got to take it, hold it close and believe it! You don’t have to throw it back in his face either. Just imagine leaving it where he put it – it’s not something you want – and walking past.
So how do you move forward?
If your children fall out with each other, do you ever ask one of them to be the ‘big one’ and make the first move. In this case, that’s what I’m asking you to do.
If there are things that you’d wish you’d done differently, apologise (without explanations as this can sound like justifications) and instead of trying to push down or dismiss his unhappiness as a mid-life crisis (and belittling it further as a cliché one) listen to him, tell him how you’d like to make his aspirations for the future come true. In this way, you will be on his side – rather than the enemy. After all, everybody has the right to want to do something different at 40 and be someone different than at 17. There’s probably things you want differently too, so why not talk about them together?
Good luck, brush up your communication skills and be more flexible and there is no reason why you can’t turn this round.
My new book
Dealing with a partner who is having a mid-life crisis is really tough. That’s why I have written my new book: It’s NOT a midlife crisis, it’s an opportunity’. My aim is to help build bridges and help explain how your partner is feeling to you and why you’re so angry to him or her. In the final section, I help the two of you form a stronger relationship.
Sally says
Nobody going through this deserves to be told they shouldn’t be angry or upset when responding to the unacceptable behaviours and actions of their MLC spouse. The other partner is not a robot and cannot be forced to ‘live on as usual’ in the face of the sort of psychological abuse they’re dealt with at the hands of a person going through a major MLC. When you’ve already become the scape goat for all the woes in your MLC spouse’s life and then you find you’re faced with the prospect of financial ruination at the hands of an MLC spouse it’s time to kick the fucker to the kerb and get them out of your life. If they come back to you and you’ve got enough left in your emotional bank to work on restoring the relationship then kudos to you and give it your best shot but do not ever put up with abusive behaviour in the hope that after 6 months to 5 years things might go back to normal. More often than not, simply putting up with it teaches the MLC spouse that they can continue to spiral out of control, treat their family like garbage and then go on to do it again in a few years time. Better advice to spouses of MLCers would be, get legal advice as soon as possible to protect yourself and any children you may have.
Andrew G. Marshall says
I’m sorry that your marriage has reached this point and I wish you all the best for the future. I’m not saying you shouldn’t be angry. It is a natural human emotion under difficult and painful times. What I am trying to say – for people whose relationship has not reached the point of no return – is that expressing nothing but anger will make the partner in crisis close down, get defensive and makes constructive dialogue harder.
Lisa says
I’ve read so much about how understanding the spouces of the MLC ‘S. It makes me sick. I tried being understanding, kind, tried to make things easier for him. Then found out about the ex-girlfriend, that’s now his affair partner. I’m done with the jackass.
Pat says
I agree, I am going through the same thing. It’s been 6 months and I am sick of his Shit. He said something to me the other night that made me sick and makes my blood boil every time I think about it. He said to me after putting up with his poor me MLC crap for 6 months. He said in our weekly conversation that he could give me affection cause something in his head could snap and it would give me hope. WTF no he’ll no I sent him a text and told him I am done being used and either he commit to our marriage or it’s OVER. I told him to Shit or get off the Pot., We have had a wonderful marriage for 18 years. He was ready to retire and the Co. hired him and new worker and it turned out to be a female. He came home after the first week working with her and changed the code on his phone and told me he now isn’t retiring and he just isn’t happy cause he has never been on his own and has never been free. Well let me tell you after 6 1/2,months reading all this crap that says it takes time and patience and give him space. Well let me tell you I did all that and now I am sick of it and he can either take a hike. He also told me well I just don’t know how I fell, I could be making the biggest mistake of my life and end up old by myself. He is 64 and I have had it. It’s both our second marriages. I know he is using this MLC thing for an excuse to continue to be cruel. I am done with his High School Bull Shit. I Deserver Better…
Cath says
4 months since he moved in with a woman he met on the internet 3 months before. Left his home , job ,daughter and me. Spending thousands on credit cards. I have petitioned for divorce to try and protect our children’s future. But I miss him so much. The Man he was. I don’t understand how he can walk away from our child not pay towards her up keep. . He has a new job and has thrown himself into a new life. I now know I kept everything together and when he had worn me out he kicked loose. He justified what he was doing because I got angry at his strange behaviour ( drinking , then multiple dating sites). It hurts to even try to text him let alone see him it is like another man in his skin. 24 years just written off. Our 3 children and me struggling for money ignored for most of the time.
LKW says
Cath, this is my story almost to a tee. My heart hurts for you. It is the most horrific thing I’ve ever had to go through, but I did. I am better everyday. I was married for just over 20 years so I understand. I’m sending good thoughts your way.
Marie says
Wow how conceited you are! This man has an affair and would not give closure. Her husband is vague and devalues all the hard work and in put she has put in. He sounds lazy disrespectful and untrustworthy. And you – you just made a woman who has every right to be pissed as hell feel guilty for her emotions and grieviences! Shame on you! This man has intimacy issues and is a coward for not facing the reality that he screwed the marriage and in true cowardly form is trying to make his wife feel guilty for it! To the wife – yes you will have to parent and yes he will provide fun weekends – but they won’t last and he will resent them – you will always pick up the pieces for a man with intimacy issues who you can not trust. Yes he drove you to divorce him so he could be the victim – do not allow him this – make him accountable as much as you can. Cowards do not change they run to the arms of others who will mother them. Move on accept he has never valued you ( and this hurts like hell) and find someone when you are ready who will appreciate you for who you are . And Do not read anymore sexist bullshit from sexist authors! Learn to spot narcissists and those you take take takes give nothing and get try to make you feel responsible for their inadequacies!
Good luck and don’t look back!
Becky says
Amen!! I went to a counselor who gave much the same advise. My husband had so much more ammunition to throw in my face on how I was mothering and controlling him, when I was just taking care of our children and the household as best as I could. Us women have given up our lives as well for the sake of our family and as a woman, I just sucked it up and continued to selflessly do what was best for the children only to be crucified for it. I firmly believe that most male counselors are biased and will always blame the woman even when it’s blatantly clear that it’s not her fault.
Andrew G. Marshall says
We are trained to see both sides of the story. When someone writes to me, I help them think about what their partner might be thinking.
Daisy says
Amen :: AGREE WITH YOU %
Going through this with Hubby of 18 years. I think he is using it to abuse me. I have seen the light. Hit the Road Jack and Don’t Come Back NO MORE:::?
Christine Good says
Your thirty years experience hasn’t helped you one bit when it comes to mens’ mid life crises, has it? Do you ever see these men years down the track and hear their regrets? How dare you blame the ones who are left to pick up the pieces.
Over two years ago I went through the same thing with my husband of 25 years. We were best friends and happy, so it was totally out of the blue when he told me that his life with me and the boys (3) was a waste of time. He began sending money overseas to a scammer who he happened to be having an online affair with and behaving very unlike himself, based on his behaviour for the past 25 years. He had always been a dedicated husband and father and now he was saying things like this. I was scared something was very wrong with him. His eyes were once a warm loving blue, were now cold and icy and he just didn’t give a crap about any of us. He left five days before Christmas (after he was found out for the online affair) running out the backdoor with one of his sons chasing him after they got into a fist fight as my husband put my son’s car up for collateral on a loan. He was also kicked out of the bank for money laundering. All behaviours we had never seen before. How do you explain that? My husband took great delight informing me how ugly, fat and unattractive and repulsive I was to him. He also told me he hadn’t been happy for a year, then it was three years, then it was five years, until he said he had never been happy for the whole 25 years of our marriage. He didn’t even know. But what a trooper for sacrificing himself for so long.
In those two years I got a lot of help from my sons, friends and family to cope. It was very hard and I took it one step at a time. I rebuilt my life and set goals to do the things I wanted to do, even though it was not easy. I focused on me as everything else had been taken out of my control. I travelled, and met new people and did new things.
When I went to divorce him earlier this year he looked terrible. For the first time in over two years he spoke to me like the man I used to know. He told me he felt he had some kind of breakdown. He apologised over and over again for blaming me and the boys, and saying he took everything out on us, especially me. He remembers most things he did and said, but said in his head it all felt so real and sensible. He asked me if I would let him try to rebuild our relationship or if not even our friendship as he said what we had was something special. He is also trying to rebuild his relationship with his sons as the wrecked said terrible things and took money and vehicles from them too. So Andrew how do you explain that?
I was not expecting his turn around on this situation and ready to divorce and begin dating again. I was angry just like the other lady’s post. Her story sounded very similar to mine. Are you going to say I’m some overpowering woman who took charge and walked all over my husband to cause him to go through this event? Wouldn’t it be fair to say this was not about the spouse being left behind and all about the other spouse, the one not asking for your help because they are so far up their arse they think nothing is wrong. My husband told me the lesson he learned was he never appreciated what he had, he wanted what others seemed like they had. What he got was a whole lot of lonely, regret, shame and debt. This is a really sad situation for families to go through and your comments are not helpful.
I want you to take another look at how you approach this and stop blaming the ones left, it’s a cop out.
For all the others who have gone through this. Take each day at a time. Be nice to yourself, find who you are again and set some goals that are fun. Have fun and live. Try not to focus on that other person as they have to go through their own journey. I am still on mine, I don’t know where things are going but the pressure is off. I have time and now I don’t have to do whatever he says if I don’t want to. I was the one who gave things up for the marriage, not him. We are currently only friends as his betrayal was significant and heartbreaking. My priority now is me. I gave too much of myself away and that was how I was treated, so no more, I am now number one priority. Thank god my sons were older and no custody issues but they have been deeply affected regardless. God bless all women going through this. We are stronger than we know, and we can get through this.
ato says
Well done I like your reply and thank you for your help and advice
yvomne says
Omg – this is what I needed to hear; your an inspiration.
My husband of 20 years has been having an affair (although he says that this is his relationship cos we are living apart so is not an affair). he will go to her act like a teenager then come going on drinking binges; acting like an absolute fool then realise and start coming back to me working his way back to my affections. He also has bipolar and with all this his mood instability is in chaos.
A few months ago I had enough and made a clean break we got to the part; he stopped taking his meds and ended up calling our kids from South Africa where he has went wirh her for a holiday – we had no idea where he was.
Our oldest daughter ended up in hospital and we started being friends; it looked like we could have a go at this and then last night he told me he was still in contact with the other woman and it was an on / off relationship that right now is on but he likes how things are going with us and is considering where it may lead but won’t stop seeing her and thinks we should just let things just happen as they will and I am putting to much pressure on us to work out.
He is someone I don’t know when he is like
This; not the man I married: I long for that man to be back in my life and when it feels he is then we get back here; I know i need to let go and focus on me and let him be. It hurts so much but I know when she is around we won’t srand a chance.
Andrew G. Marshall says
In that case, don’t take him back until he has properly finished with her and he is taking his medication. Otherwise you risk torturing yourself…
nancy says
I would like to Thank you for your post. I read it, seems like my situation. Yes I’m first self care.
Andrew G. Marshall says
My pleasure
janet says
Hi ,
I know what you felt ,because I am dealing right now with this in the last six months ! He had an affair and wanted to move out with her , but HER didn,t want him anymore so he still leaves with me , but he told me that he still wants to move out and he doesn,t feel nothing for ME and I have to leave with this jerk ! SO , I can ,t go to divorce, because I have my personal reasons and I am trying my best to be patience and don,t lose my mind and hope that at the end he will be back to normal ! I have to read a lot about this midlife crisis and understand that is looks like a mental disorder and now I REALLY belive that it is a temorally ( I hope is temorally ) mental disorder and I am trying to deal with this !!! BUT IS SO HARD !!! And I don,t know for how long I can leave like this ! I don,t recomnd for nobody to accept to leave like this ! Try to save your marrige , but if you see after few months or one year ,that you can,t do it anymore , say GOOD BUY !!!! And DON,T LOOK BACK ! ALL THE BEST !
So sad says
I am going through this right now with my husband I am so lost and tired. I just don’t understand. 29 years of marriage and he just wants to throw it away. He is not the same man. I’m so sad.
Andrew G. Marshall says
Be kind to yourself as this is one of the hardest tests you will face. If you are interested in understanding what’s going on – and even though he might blame you, it’s more about him than you – look at my book ‘It’s not a midlife crisis, it’s an opportunity’ or find out more about men (what makes us tick and why we go so spectacularly off the rails) by reading James Hollis ‘Under Saturn’s Shadow
Sasha says
Bravo…couldn’t have said it better. I’m six months down the line. our daughter has to deal with daddy leaving and moving in with the woman he cheated with. I’ve been left with bills and a severe case of wanting to rip his head off his shoulders. Oh and the checking up on me, asking mutual friends about me, demanding I don’t see another man (real cheek hey) trying to take my car off me…and other crap. Thankfully I’m in a much better place. New job, just signed on a new car,and working on me. I can’t tell you how satisfying it was to se his face when I gave him the car back, or the satisfaction at seeing him look older,greyer,just sad! I’m not heartless,and I once loved him,but that has all but gone. Lady karma has already worked her magic. He’s stuck with a woman who spends his money faster than he makes it,he’s lost friends,put weight on and misses our daughter more than he realised. Afew days ago he tried to hug me,and I felt nothing. I guess I’m stronger than I thought I’d ever be..life goes on, and even through the wobbles, I know I’m truly getting there….. cheaters have to live with the shit they deal out….they don’t deserve our sympathy….just our pity!
Lana says
Reading this in 2019 and it’s brought tears to my face as I am going through a very similar situation. Congratulations for pulling out of this mess and rebuilding your life focusing on yourself. Thank you for your advice, it is much better than the condescending ones author of this site gave to the poor woman.
Ms. Jones says
In the same boat…I so agree!! My husband suddenly acted like I was nothing, he emotionally abused me, didn’t want to take me to stores anymore. Basically just wanted me to curl up and die. Two years after finding him out he still refuses to actually tell me the truth about what he spent those three years doing without considering my feelings at all. Even though we are trying I know nothing will ever be the same between us and if divorce was an option for me I’d still run and not walk from this marriage. I was in a happy 21 year marriage before this…it wasn’t so much a mid life crisis that is these men’s problem as it is their penises!
GRS says
Going through same thing…my husband announced he didn’t want to be married anymore at the same time I asked him to help me deal with my brother’s terminal illness…he said he’d try but lied all awhile…after 8 months he announced he wanted a divorce but suggested we live together under our kids graduate in 2020!!! I love him but I can see the love is gone when I look into his eyes….I was completely blind-sided…I knew our marriage wasn’t perfect but it was ours….leaning on God for guidance, strength, direction and purpose…..
Andrew G. Marshall says
He is still in Affair Brain. He is busy justifying his actions and rationalising. Personally, I would take everything he says with a bucket of salt. Explain to him why pretending everything is OK would be hell on earth and ask what else he suggests. You might also like to consider the ongoing support of my group. Three Reasons to Join My Infidelity Survival Training and Support Group
Sad and Confused says
I am also reading this in 2019 and I am going through the same exact thing. It also brought tears to my eyes. My husband told me after our daughter graduated high school and we had taken a family trip that he wanted us to take some time apart. He told me that I should move to Texas and get a job and in 2 years if we are good once he gets stationed (military) elsewhere we can get back together. Since that point it has turned into a big mess. He brought his niece to come and live with us, which made the whole situation worse. I asked him why would he do that if he was in crisis and he said that he was going to take care of his niece because she has not had a good life. That was a lie, he has been away from his home state for 21 years and does not know what kind of life she has had, but it was his justification. I have heard all of the same things that women on here are saying. We are not compatible, that is the main excuse, we are different people. He says that I am controlling but we are a military family and I have had to step up and be the mother and father to my daughter when he was away for months at a time. As the other lady said, I have had to do everything in the home because he did not step up to the plate. All I wanted was some help in the home, because I worked and was in school just as he was. So now, he feels like he is doing me a favor by telling me to go and LIVE MY BEST LIFE, so that he can do the same. He holds some sense of obligation to HIS family. Whenever they call for money, he finds a way to give it to them. We have been married 18 years and i have supported him through it all. I have been his ride or die. He had a brain bleed in 2015 and I was there through it all and nursed him back to health. He told me that he met someone in May at the airport when he went on a trip for the military. He was talking and texting on his phone until i found out her phone number and called. She did not answer but told him that i tried to call her and he tells me to stop trying to figure out who she is. So, now he talks and video chats through Facebook messenger. I am so lost because I have dedicated the last 18 years to my family and NOT me. I don’t have any hobbies because we always did things together. I have been focusing on trying to fix him and not figuring out what i like. After reading all of these stories, i realize that I am not alone. SO many women are going through the same thing. I do not want to give up on my marriage but I realize now that I have to focus on ME and not him.
Andrew G. Marshall says
I am glad that you have reached this conclusion…. He is the only person who can sort his life out. But you can have hobbies that interest you, you can do things that make you happy and go on a voyage of self discovery.
Gail says
This sounds like a case of blaming the victim. The woman has every right to be upset, distraught, angry, and at her wits’ end. Her husband sounds like a classic wife abandoner (I know all about this – have been abandoned myself, and recognize my own husband in much of what your correspondent says). The husband makes no effort to salvage the situation, devalues both the wife and the relationship, presents her with a fait accompli re a divorce, and then persecutes the wife for not being emotionally supportive of him in his wonderful new life. I recommend Vikki Stark’s book on ‘Runaway Husbands’.
Andrew G. Marshall says
I have no desire to blame any body. I don’t see the people who write to me as victims. So I read back my reply to the letter (as it is a couple of years from when I posted it). With hindsight, I did not think about how it would read to someone coming to my work cold. So I had added a new section where I cover the subject of blame….
Blame?
If you think I’m blaming you for this sorry situation. I apologise. I could just as easily blame his mother for treating him like a golden child who could never do any wrong or for being depressed and unpredictable so he learnt to tiptoe round women rather than being honest. I could equally blame his father for running away – either emotionally (shutting down) or physically (by leaving) – and not teaching him how to communicate effectively with women. I could blame the people who make millions from running ‘adult dating sites’ who promote the idea of a guilt free affair which will ‘save’ marriages. I could blame our society that values men more for what they earn rather than who they are – which makes men overwork and self-medicate their stress with alcohol and porn. I could blame all men for thinking that being strong means bottling up our feelings and for not talking to each other. If the men at his work were honest about their lives post-divorce, no sane man would rush blindly into junking his marriage. I could go on but what I’m saying is blame is pointless. It makes everybody angry and defensive and makes a bad situation worse.
If he’s blaming you, what should you do? Think of blame as being a parcel, just because he’s handing it to you it doesn’t mean that you’ve got to take it, hold it close and believe it! You don’t have to throw it back in his face either. Just imagine leaving it where he put it – it’s not something you want – and walking past.
Finally, I’m not saying you, the woman in the post or any other woman in the same situation does not have the right to be angry. My message is always to accept your feelings. However, I was trying to help her build a bridge to discover if there were any ways to save the marriage.
I’m sorry that yours was not salvageable, thank you for taking the trouble to write and help me to look at the post through your eyes. I happily pass on the recommendation of a book. I would also suggest my book ‘Wake Up and Change Your Life: How to survive a crisis and be stronger, wiser and happier.
Jenny says
I believe you wrote your response in as helpful of a way as possible. I truly believe that it takes 2 to make a midlife crisis. Seeing that she is the one that wrote, it makes sense that you would try and speak to her. To help her make things better. The rest of the “How could you be so cruel to her? Don’t you know men are all pigs, and are all the same?” responses just go to show the amount of hurt these women are still in. We can only work on ourselves. We have to realize that our husbands are separate intities. We don’t own their minds and they don’t own ours. All the original author could do was choose how she wanted to be, how she wanted to respond, and how she could change the dynamic that wasn’t working. Men are not pigs. The husbands we married are still in there. They’re lost and to have them back we need to show patience. If we want to remain married to them we need to allow them to be their own people while we figure out ourselves. It’s hard. There are a lot of tears. Use the opportunity a midlife crisis gives you to be a better version of yourself. Not a worse one.
Andrew G. Marshall says
Thanks for such a balanced approach. It is really hard to reach out when you are hurting yourself. So I would like to applaud you and wish you all the best for your recovery.
MAV says
I still think it’s a bunch of crap advice. I wasn’t married 20 yrs or even half the time most of when these situations happen and I can’t find anywhere the married time or even similar age to my situation as I was only married 4 urs when my husband left or started his affair right before oour 5 yr anniversary. I get in part where you say or in some posts im short it goes both ways. I know where my husband may have thought she’s always anger or whatever of many excess he gave me when he left but he never expressed it thrust the marriage or said hey here’s a problem until I asked. We were together 4 yrs before we got married both at 35 and he moved in with my 8 ur old at the time as I already had house and he was barely finishing his college degree. I did question his intentions as I was aware he had prior girlfriend that I later learned about after he left emails open on my computer. Funny what you learn about a person. Seems like they had issues that I later saw in our relationship and she tried to make things better for him by backing off. I think this only have him time to build our relationship until he felt secure enough to just never speak to her again, I fell in love thinking this man loves me and will take care of me as he understands my illness (type 1 diabetic) and can differentiate real anger and a bad high or low. We ended up marrying after 4 yrs and I got pregnant rshortly after. My sugars were better controlled as we attempted to try to have baby within those next 4 hrs. I had 2 miscarriages but I ended up having baby shortly before his leaving. I was tired thru my miscarriages as well as my pregnancy but I loved him being there knowing we had goals or next steps in our life. I sold my house so we can buy a new one to start our lives together. But it was weird during my second pregnancy I could tell he was distant and tried to ignore and take it as as stress of new baby and work as he was working OT and out of town. Only almost a yr later did I find out he was spending his time at happy hour with 22 yr old from work mind you at that point he just hit 40. MLC? I think so. I ended up hearing conversation with her in accidental but dial to me while he was in car. Nothing flirty but you could tell connection. He ended up leaving house a little under 3 mths later and supposedly that when their sexual reactions hip started. One week after my sons baptism and 3 was after our 5th anniversary. I tried giving him space like so many recommendations tell you but that only works if he wants to come back. If like my husband he’s just using that time to feel for whether the next person will take him then that’s what will happen. Luke one of these posts says….narcissist. He’s a narcissist. I don’t matter. I’m here for the next step what he thinks will be better. This “boy” left me when my son was 6 mths., I couldn’t put my clothes on or drive from frozen shoulder and other complications and hyper thyroid issue. I was the one that reached out to him and brought up there’s a problem let’s fux it but the minute he knew this also single mom then 23 was willing to take him in with her 6 yr old he was gone. Convenients that’s all it is. My husband filed for divorce a year later when I lost my job and while in hospital being diagnosed for thyroid problem but I’m the bitch that didn’t know how to treat my husband as this then 24 yr old told me. I’m just mad I’m getting a divorce she says. And now we come to now where this 25 whore who’s mom is the same age as my husband and I had my baby calling her mom. I’m not going to blame myself. I accepted my role and I asked for help from his family and anyone else to make things better but if he’s unwilling no book is going to fix that. I loved my husband. He never loved me.
Andrew G. Marshall says
Sorry to hear about your experiences and I wish you all the best for the future.
Sam says
My husband and I had been together for 27yrs and I thought it was a good marriage until 6 mths before my life changed completely. I was struggling with my son and school and felt my husband was helping but later he told me that he wasn’t coping and tried to talk to me but I didn’t listen so he turned to a work colleague that did listen. This was 2.5 yrs ago. He left and moved in with her within 2 mths. She has never married or children and is much younger and completely what he usually hates which is lots of facial piercings and tattoos. He was 50 in Feb and she is 15 yrs younger. I know I have done all the wrong things. I have begged, pleaded, cried, got angry etc but when he has made me the mistress or to be fair I have let him make me the mistress and that he has come home 10 times but goes back to her within weeks I don’t know what to do. I still love my husband and he says he will love me till the day he dies and when he is with her he keeps promising to come home and never wants an xmas or holiday without us again but also ignores us as she doesn’t like it for obvious reasons. I won’t let go and neither will she. So he has left again and again we have ignoring us while he in her company and divorce mentioned again and selling the house and that I am not allowed to contact him. I have seen many texts where she has said she stood by him after everything I have done to him which is lies he has told about me. But he still goes back to her even though the other week she tried to run him over and hit him with a hammer. I have sent her evidence in the beginning that I was now the ow but it makes no difference. He says he runs on guilt and that he means it when he comes back but then says he needs space but how can he have space with her? She changed her shifts to suit his, she even tracked him on his phone! He says she listened and was there for him and that she is 50 times better than me as she is there for him at his lowest when he felt suicidal. I couldn’t be there for him! I was blocked from having contact as she rang the police saying I was harassing her partner for money. I was trying get maintenance but yes I was trying also desperately to see him. Even now I love and miss him so much. He this time has his own place and still lies by saying not with her but is driving her car and has no belongings at his so I believe it is just so he can have the children as they won’t meet her and he isn’t interested in her meeting his kids or family/parents infact he doesn’t see his parents anymore really. He has his own place as she won’t let him visit at the marital home I believe and for good reason. I am again poo on his shoe and don’t know what now to do. I try to be polite when he comes to pick up kids but he doesn’t want to enter house anymore. I was blocked last week but now unblocked but doesn’t reply to any text that I send re kids as that is all I am allowed to text about. I try now not to ask questions anymore but it is so hard. He says she is now only a friend and he can cope as works with her and a laughing stock at work and runs on guilt. I am driving myself insane.
Andrew G. Marshall says
What an incredibly sad story. I hope writing it down helped you to take a step back and get a fresh perspective. The big question is not what to do about him – that’s his problem – but how are you going to stop driving your self insane. So I want this to be your motto going forward. Every time, you come up with another strategy for sorting out your relationship or him, go back to the mantra: how can I stop driving myself insane? Think of something that will help you cope: following an interest you’ve not had time for before, running yourself a bath, getting therapy for yourself etc. Pretty soon, your husband will stop running on guilt, have a crash and then begin to start to think more clearly again. Sadly, you cannot influence his journey (beyond continuing to be polite and not making matters worse) but you can have a HUGE impact on your own journey. Focus on where you can make a difference and be kind to yourself. Good luck
Jen Hansen says
So my wonderful husband of 22 years slowly became more distant. After a year of trying to support him,give him space and love him, I asked the dreaded question “what is wrong with you”. Well the answer was staggering-I have no feelings for you any more. He was mean and flat. He began to work 7 days a week 15 hours a day, barely speaking to me. I tried to be an even better wife in the few hours he did come home.
But eventually he moved into the basement and when I could no longer take his lack of respect and love, I asked him to leave.
Now one year later,despite numerous attempts to speak to him he tells me he loves me and misses me. I have not heard from him in months and have not heard the word love in 2 years.
So he is coming by tomorrow to talk. I love him and will hear what he has to say but at the same time be cautious. My grief these past years has been unbearable and I am scared
Can someone change personalities completely and then change back? I don’t know. I proceed with hope but with my shield poised.
Andrew G. Marshall says
First of all I want to send some courage for your meeting and hope that it goes well. If you would like some advice, I would suggest listening, nodding your head and saying ‘tell me more.’ Although some of the things he will say will be upsetting – because he will probably have misread your actions and what you’ve said in the past – but keep calm and tell yourself ‘just because he believes this doesn’t make it right’. Still don’t contradict him but repeated back what you heard, because you might have heard something stronger than he said. When he’s finished you can tell him, how you see the situation. If you want a suggestion for a question, try asking: ‘what do you feel I should know about your feelings but you’ve never been able to tell me?’When everything is out in the open, you can begin to think about what happens next.
James says
Whilst I appreciate that there are 2 people in a marriage i find your reply astonishingly unbalanced.
Marriage is a contract between 2 people unless they were forced at gunpoint they willingly made promises to each other. The marriage vows are pretty well thought out. A promise is a promise. You can’t go back and review it when things get awkward or tough.
There is NO excuse for an affair EVER! Both people should be taking responsibility for themselves and their children.
Being selfish and thoughtless and uncommunicative is not the way to solve problems.
It sounds to me like this woman is trying to sort something out and her husband is running away from himself mostly, but causing untold heart ache and damage.
It is not OK to go through the world hurting people, especially not the ones that love you.
It is not sensible to expect that you can be “in love” forever, it is not healthy to need someone to hold up a mirror that constantly tells you you are amazing because your sense of yourself is poor and your ego needs boosting ( or would you suggest that a narcissists should be applauded for keeping his harem?
Men need to search within for the answers not constantly externalise; the blame, the hurt, the problem, the answer etc.
They need to COMMUNICATE.
I can point to countless men who have been through this and junked their marriages and done crazy things. Later they regret it, later they want to come back, later they are repeating the pattern later they are so sorry. It is generally too late then of course, to late for them and too late for their children. They have caused massive destruction because they refused to face some truths and sort out the mess. It is most often the wives who are left to do that by themselves.
Whilst society condones this bad behaviour and we do nothing to put in place better role models and information it will continue.
Your reply has not helped this cause much. That is a shame.
Carey T. says
I so agree with the majority of what you have said. I also think Andrew has some amazing points. The blame section describes my husband’s upbringing to a T. My self esteem is a bit low as well and so I think unknowingly we had a co-dependant relationship. I think I unknowingly did a lot of the things Andrew points out. I’m separating from my h because he has become emotionally abusive. I agreed with everything that needed to change in our marriage. I owned all of my behavior. He is so angry still. He asked for an open marriage and blamed me for being a black and white “all or nothing” thinker. He has asked me to be his friend. To co-parent together in a supportive and loving way. He’s broken my trust and eroded my love for him. He has become the opposite of who he was. He is no longer kind, empathetic, loyal, or genuine. I believe he was taught by his mother to just make everyone happy in the moment and suppress your needs. Andrew nailed it about this type of man self medicating and putting so much of their self-worth into their career. For me, I have taken a good, hard look at myself. I wasn’t intimate enough. I definitely put things before him. I made a lot of mistakes. And right now, he is not in a place where he can listen. He is on a crazy path of destruction. He’s damaging his relationships with me and the kids all under the guise of “finding his truth”. There is nothing more I can do. I didn’t cause all of this. I’ve owned my part. He needs to stop putting his mother on a pedestal and take a good look at his parents and his past. I’m doing the same and addressing what part of my parent’s relationship did I bring to my marriage. After a year of pain that includes the last 6 months I decided to file for legal separation. Right now he is a chaos kid. This is his journey and I can’t fix him. I feel like I’m a way I’m still trying by just being on this side and replying. It’s hard not to want to fix this. It’s hard to let go. I’m focused on having minimal contact with him and now keeping my interactions short and not taking the bait when he pushes my buttons . I want to get out if the way so that he has no choice but to look at himself. He has to do the work for any future relationships, whether it’s rebuilding ours or another. The same goes for me. Hope this helps!
Jacqueline Wheeler says
I am curious about what you wrote in response to this woman as it sounded – well – angry!
She is upset and you start telling her off for being who she is. What you seem to be saying is, lie on your back, give him what he wants – in all matters – and forget your own needs and desires or the prospect of getting any emotional return. So, you are exhausted, well, he wants sex after he’s been drifting around doing whatever he pleases – so you need to deliver – and don’t be surprised if he goes elsewhere if he doesn’t get it. It’s his right.
Just as the person she is married to is lazy and self-involved, she is anxious and focused on the realities that can’t be avoided.
My husband has a volatile temper and is only really happy when I am focused on him. It took years for me to realise that he can’t empathise with me and has no interest in my feelings. If you have been brought up by people who care about you, it is hard not to believe that the person you are married to does not have these attributes in more than a minimal dose. This has more recently culminated in his mid life crisis – which is what you have when you have sidestepped thinking about anyone else your whole life and so have time to get bored.
I think it’s about time men were encouraged to see women’s bodies as not something they purchase access to through marriage and contribution to the mortgage but the reality of the emotional being they are married to.
If my husband had actually given me- willingly – a sense that he wanted to help me with the children when they were small, I would have continued to be the same sexual being I was when I married him. However, over the years, the temper tantrums, the total failure to share the burden of being parents (none of us know what that will be like til it happens – men or women) and the general self-absorption inevitably result in women like me just shutting down. I have been told – by religious friends (of course) – that i should sleep with my husband but I honestly think sex without kindness is a form of brutality and I don’t think my husband would want to think I was lying there willing for it to be over.
My arguments here are a bit confused and disorganised but I really do think yours are blunt and reductive and could have been summarised thus: put up and shut up if you want this to work. You may be right in the sense that this IS probably the reality of her situation but I am not sure your view has much sophisticated thinking about it.
Her husband is not able to cope with responsibility and he will never change. Nothing she can do will alter that. All she can do is make a pact with herself that this deeply damaged man is her husband and if she wants him around (tho he is unlikely to stay faithful) she has to accept that she must deny herself any happiness.
Andrew G. Marshall says
I will do my best to explain my answer and then to answer your question… There are two types of counselling. In the first, you get sympathy and caring – it’s a bit like a warm bath. The internet is full of sites like with everybody telling each other you’re doing great. That’s fine. But it gives the message: your husband is a monster and that makes everyone sink further into ‘I’m right and my partner is wrong’ further polarising their situation and deepening the fault lines in their marriages. The second type of counselling offers sympathy and compassion but challenge too (and that’s where the change comes). So yes I did challenge her, I tried to challenge her certainty and help her to think that there are two sides to every story. Her husband will have seen the situation differently and from his shoes, his views would be equally valid. Unfortunately, when other people read the post, they bring their situation and their husband to the post and jump to conclusions. I would never tell someone to put up or shut up. My line is more: listen, negotiate, listen some more, get some help, negotiate and if you’re still stuck perhaps you need to talk about ending your relationship. I don’t come from a comparative place (ie one person is right and the other wrong). I don’t judge (ie: he is deeply damaged and she is not). I try and come from a contemplative position where there is truth in both positions. If you and your husband were seeing me, I would be looking at how to heal the wounds from the past so you are ready to work on some of the issues that you present in your post: how do you bring kindness into lovemaking and connection and love – because I bet that’s what both of you are looking for.
Cathy says
This story sounds like my life. I have been married 34 years, we are both 56 years old and my husband has had a mid-life crisis with a very young womanb who is 23 years old! He stopped participating in family life, took up drinking, was on hook up sites, sexting, etc. He told me everything we did was what I wanted to do, I was bossy, we didn’t have enough verbal fights, etc. Of course I was to blame. I think their brains are messed up and this can NOT be blamed on the wife. We have seperated and he now calls himself ‘the new man in town’ which is ridiculous. Trying to blame this stuff on the wife is completely inexcusable. No one realizes the hurt and anger the spouse left behinds feels. I think it is worse than if my spouse had died. There is not an easy way to get over this. The only thing I am guilty of is enabling him and not making him step up to the plate and be involved in our family years ago.
annabel says
I am shocked at this reply. I spoiled my Mlc husband. We had an amazing sex life. Always holding hands, but he had another side to his personality. Cutting my clothes.. Denying it. All after his dad died.. Ten years of his changing personalities.. Now gone for 18 months after 29 years. I studied and discovered that the mid life crisis person has to regress and finish development he was unable to. It is about them. Their narcassism, bipolar abusive childish behaviour.. They have to come through this.. Often dumping a beautiful spouse and family.. It is rotten for their spouse and kids…
Carole says
I was so relieved to find this article & to read that other people have experienced a similar situation to me. I have been thinking of writing to you for advice for a while.
In January 2016 my husband, aged 55, told me that he loved me but wasn’t “in love” with me. We were due to celebrate our 30th wedding anniversary in May & my world was shattered. We talked & agreed that we still loved each other & wanted to work on our marriage.
I admit I’ve not been the perfect wife. I’ve had jealousy issues, low self-esteem & a real fear that this would happen for a long time, especially as he cheated on me before we were married & truthfully, we never really dealt with it.
By May his behaviour was unusual & so I started to check his phone to find photos of him with another woman. I confronted him & threw him out but he was adamant that there had not been any affair. When I tried to speak to him about reconciliation several weeks later, he finally admitted that he had been having an affair for 3.5 years with a colleague that he “mentored” – she was 23 years younger than him. Never good for your self-esteem!
We got back together for a few months but unfortunately, I was in the stage where I wanted to know all the details of the affair & he was drinking excessively & bordering on suicidal. It was a recipe for disaster & the Relate counsellor that we had was nice but not very helpful. At the end of September 2016, he left saying that he wanted to rekindle their relationship to see where it went.
Someone made the comment about aliens taking over her husband. That’s exactly how it feels – the person that I trusted with my life & dreams has now become a stranger & the relatively innocent, charmed world that I lived in seems completely shattered.
14 months on – he comes to visit me & our dogs because I am still his best friend & he likes to see them & chat to me! I am still in our marital home & our finances are still joint. He trusts me so much that he’s not even cancelled my credit cards. I started divorce proceedings but then stopped again because I realised it wasn’t what I wanted or believed in.
He has his own flat that he rents & although she stays over 85% of the time, he won’t allow her to give her own flat up. She is pushing him for divorce, wants to get engaged, marry & move in with him but he won’t commit. He told me he was relieved that the divorce proceedings had stopped because he didn’t want to remarry yet. He is scared to go forwards with her because it doesn’t feel right & he doesn’t want to commit to her. He has admitted to me that the grass wasn’t as green as he thought it would be & he has said that if he could turn the clock back he wouldn’t have had an affair with her. He says he loves me & I will always be his best friend. He is scared to come back in case she’s “the one”. This is unusual for a man that has always known his own mind & had a life plan. So he is in limbo & I guess she is, as am I. I am convinced that he is going through a MLC but how long can this go on for? He doesn’t criticise me & he has never told me what I did so wrong for him to be unhappy to cause him to have an affair.
I have spent a lot of time working on me – the affair, my jealousy, dealing with my demons & I have read many of your books & others to improve my self-esteem. I am about to go on my first ever holiday on my own & I have a good network of friends. Saying that, I miss my husband & our wonderful life, dreadfully.
When do I call it a day? Give up on my marriage & walk away. At the moment, I’m not sure that I can. I love him & I am still hoping & waiting for him to realise that, whilst what we had wasn’t perfect, it was very good & could be so much better if we worked at it. What do I do now?
Any advice or comments gratefully received.
Andrew G. Marshall says
Thank you for your thoughtful post which captures the complexity of this horrible situation. I’m pleased that you have been working on yourself and you’re in a good place. Unfortunately, your husband has done the opposite. He has self-medicated with the attention of this young woman and now the thrill is wearing off he’s wondering if he’s made a mistake (and still facing the problems that he’s been masking). Sadly, he is still thinking like a teenager and thinking there is ‘The One’ (or what I call the Great Other who will come along and solve all our problems). Sadly, the one and the great other don’t exist. It’s up to us to sort out our lives (other people like therapists, partners etc can help but its OUR responsibility). Have a look at my book ‘It’s not a midlife crisis, it’s an opportunity’. It will explain what’s going on under the surface. Part one is for the partner in the crisis. Part two is for their partner. It will help you understand the task of repairing the relationship and see if you’re up for it or not. Give it to him and it might provide the basis for a constructive conversation where you can decide together if it is time to call it a day or not. Good luck with whatever you decide.
Carole says
Thanks Andrew. I’ve read your book several times & have found it really useful. I suggested he read it in the early days but he was still so infatuated that he didn’t want to know. Maybe now he will be slightly more receptive – it’s worth a try. It is very difficult to help someone who doesn’t want to be helped & it’s heartbreaking to hear his indecision & to see him upset.
Friends & family don’t understand my loyalty but the man that he is now is not the man that I have known & loved for years.
Thank you for your advice.
Catherine says
I’m desperate. Married 11 years. My husband has had a 15 month affair and while I’ve been working through this and learning to forgive and repair the marriage he has now told me he doesn’t know if another child is fundamental to him. He ended the affair as soon as I found out. It’s been 12 weeks. We are having couples and individual counselling and I believed we could have a brilliant marriage, albeit an amended one after the affair. He turns 40 next month and I am nearly 42. If he wants another child he says he will have to leave. He loves me he keeps saying and I think he does but I don’t want another child. Our son is 9. I am not coping very well with this. He has purchased your book. To know my son and I aren’t enough for him is killing me. Any help…. I don’t want to lose him, I love him.
Andrew G. Marshall says
My advice would be to read the book too and discuss it with him. I think you’ll find this crisis more about HIM than you or your son. There’s probably some unresolved issue from his childhood or the past that has surfaced and somehow become attached to the idea of another child. He sounds like a drowning man who’s thrashing around in the water, looking for something to grab hold onto. At the moment, it’s another child. Sadly, I expect he will say more hurtful things as he tries to find a way forward but use your couple counselling to get support so you can cope through the madness. I know that’s not what you want to hear but I think it is best that you prepare yourself for a long haul. In the meantime, It will help if you understand more about what’s going on – hence my suggestion of the reading the book. My other piece of advice would be to look after yourself and not put all your energy into sorting out him (that’s his job)
Kel says
I am so thankful to stumble upon this post. Grateful to know I’m not just going crazy! I noticed a significant change in my husband of 17 about a year ago. Things started to get pretty heated between us because he simply stopped participating in anything at home. Time or financially. I just got frustrated with him and made the situation worse. He moved out in October and told me that our whole marriage has been unhappy. Yes of course we have had our problems but I was still blindsided. Overall I thought we were ok. By Christmas we were working towards reconciliation. The whole time I was literally begging him to come home to me and our 3 teenage children. Shortly after the holidays he decided it was time to come home and everything seemed perfect at first. We started counseling and I took ownership of my fault in our marriage breakdown and I’m continuing to work on those things. (I’m controlling and try to fix everything and want everything my way)
I found out that while he was gone he was living with a much younger girl. (She’s 8 years older than my oldest son) He didn’t deny it. Apologized for lying to me and said it was over. It’s still not. He says he isn’t sleeping with her anymore but they are great friends. He knows he has to end it, but he simply can’t. He says he knows he should feel bad but he doesn’t. He feels nothing. He knows he loves me and he knows he is hurting me. But he can’t stop himself. He knows if he wants to stay here he must stop communicating with her,but he can’t. Some days I see the warm, loving husband I know. And some days he is cold and uncaring. I have been reading a lot and believe he is having a midlife crisis. It’s the most painful thing in the world to watch someone you love self destruct and not be able to do anything about it. All I want is to save my marriage. I can see that this isn’t his fault and he doesn’t mean to be so hurtful. It’s just something that is happening to him. I’m at a loss. I’m trying to be open and empathetic to what he’s going through but I’m not sure how long I can hang in there. I know I need to take care of myself but it’s so hard to do. It’s all I think about. He knows there is something wrong with him. He’s told me so. But I can’t tell him I think he’s having a midlife crisis. He will just take it as an attack. Or that I’m trying to fix him. I don’t know what to do. I love him too much to watch him destroy himself.
Sam says
It sounds like we all have a similar story. My wife and I have been together 20 years now. I’m 40 and she is almost 38 and we have 2 beautiful, smart children (12 and 14 years old). For the first 19 years she was the most amazing woman. We had a great relationship. Sure it wasn’t perfect as nothing ever is, but we always got along well and loved each other and rarely fought about anything. We shared chores, parenting, bills, etc. We went on fun family vacations, and tried to stay active. The only real issue could be that as the kids got older and our schedules stayed full, we didn’t spend enough time as a couple together. Not to say we never went on dates, but they became fewer as time went on.
A little over a year ago I began to notice changes that I did not at first see as bad. She started working out and dieting and actively loosing weight. She started going out to happy hour with friends from work. Happy hours got later and later and more frequent. Then she started getting a little distant. Then one night she lied to me about where she was and then admitted to going on a date with a coworker when she got home and had kissed him. She said she felt bad and didn’t mean for it to happen, but then I got the speech. She wasn’t happy. She loved me but wasn’t in love with me. She wanted to work it out, but longed for a connection that we had lost and that she hadn’t been happy for a while. I was floored. I had no idea she was unhappy. Several months before we spent a week on the beach in Mexico and I had pictures of us arm in arm, kissing on the beach. I’m pretty good at reading people. I don’t think there is any way she could have been unhappy for more than a month or so without me being unable to notice (and I did, just didn’t realize her actions were caused from unhappiness).
I tried to tend to her concerns. I tried taking us out on dates, being more attentive, telling her I loved her (not that I didn’t do that before), but she wasn’t receptive to it. She said it wasn’t genuine. She continued the relationship with her coworker, even though she told me she wasn’t going to. I don’t think they had sex, but they did make out, and I caught her sexting him while masterbating. Eventually they actually did stop. They still work together, but he is now engaged to another woman. After a few months, she moved out to get some space. Somewhere in this time I stumbled upon the midlife crises phenomenon and was floored at how well it fit my wife’s behavior.
She lived in her apartment for 2 months, and then moved back home without much discussion. Since then we have been “working on it”. She mainly is trying to find herself while I am trying to repair our mairrage. She thinks she is working on the marriage, but I only see her efforts at finding herself. The selfless, loving, kind woman I married is now very self centered. Everything is about her.
I know she has to work out her own issues. She seems to have this grass is greener type of mentality. She won’t say that it is my fault, but all of her actions suggest that she thinks that. I think if we split up that eventually she would miss me as I KNOW she loved me before, but 2 months living in an apartment illustrated life without the kids and I am not sure she will leave. I’m not leaving as this is my life and I’m not the one unhappy with the life we built together. So, we get along ok on a day to day basis, but it feels like we are basically room mates. I know she can’t stay in this state forever, but eventually somethings got to give. I love her, but I can’t live like this forever. I hope she comes out of this and realize how much damage she has done to our family.
Andrew G. Marshall says
I’m sorry to hear about your wife and her behaviour. I’m afraid I see a lot of this (and I’ve written two books that I think will help you ‘I love you but I’m not in love with you’ and ‘It’s not a midlife crisis, it’s an opportunity’). I wonder, as I read your post, where is the anger? I bet its there but you are too keen to build the relationship back up again to let it come to surface. I wonder where your wife’s anger is…. probably just simmering under the surface. When people go from selfless to selfish, it’s normally because they are FURIOUS but keeping it all in (and its comes out in passive aggressive ways). You will find that ‘I love you but’ is caused by holding in anger too. Have a look at my books, find out what is making your wife so angry and don’t be afraid to express your own anger too. It won’t be nice but it brings about the possibility of change.
Margaret says
Her story is mine and your advice is not acceptable.
I did all the crap you just said, apologize and since i have fixed my low feritin of 6 and had a hysterectomy and have more energy etc, i have increased the sex life major but started w apologizing for past. He even said wow better sex now then when first married and we are 50! I did it all and he refuses to do anything. There is no togetherness whatsoever and he just cares about his happiness and doesn’t want anything to do with having to work on us. this is after i discovered him having a phone affair for one month and he refuses to acknowledge that it was an affair and he refuses to gain back trust, he likes to hide and keep things secretive. Because it’s none of my business and he has a right to his privacy etc. and i am a nag etc.
so there you have it…..he also has become angry and bitter and is all about his family back home where he flies to regularly now!
great advice it worked wonders, and now i am in a separate bedroom, deciding what now…No longer though am i putting up with his verbal attacks on me!
Andrew G. Marshall says
Verbal abuse is never acceptable. If your relationship has reached this point, I think is time to think very carefully about ending your relationship. From the tone of your post, I think you’ve made your mind up. I wish you all the best for the next phase of your life.
Anita says
I have a question. I think my husband is going through a crisis, but mid-life not sure. We have been married for 31 years and together for 35 years. We were childhood sweethearts. We have 3 adult children, 1 19 year old and 3 grandchildren.
My husband has had multiple affairs during our marriage, they have all been with younger women who eventually left him. He was always concerned with his appearance, always dressed much younger than he was. Concerned himself with nice cars and nice clothes etc. Now he is now 54 years old and has left home for a woman a year younger than me who is not attractive at all (you know the blond guy from Wayne’s world she is his twin, no lie). She even has a 12 year old daughter. My husband who wouldn’t clean a dish for our entire marriage because he didn’t like getting sticky things on his hands is now a Janitor at a flea market and spends his time with his time picking up trash and either scrapping it or trying trying to sell it. He sometimes wears the same clothes for three or more days, and is living with this chick in a trailer in the woods. Midlife crisis or did he suddenly just decide to do a 360 degree change?
Andrew G. Marshall says
I think a better question than whether he’s having a midlife crisis is: why have you stayed with him despite his cheating?
Anita says
I stayed because I didn’t want my children to be raised without both parents. I stayed because I loved him and probably didn’t love myself enough. This time is different though, the kids are grown and I am working on myself for me.
I just would like to know whether he is having a crisis that will pass and eventually he will start caring about himself again, or does it appear whether there is more going on here and maybe I should suggest to the children they talk to him about getting help.
Andrew G. Marshall says
Glad to hear that you’re focusing on yourself. Well done. A midlife crisis is nearly always sparked by unresolved issues from our past – in particular our childhood. We think that if we can rise above the past by being successful, finding perfect love and gaining approval that everything will be fine… unfortunately at middle age a lot of our hopes get thrashed by experience. The corner office is not going to make us happy. Love is more complicated than the movies told us. I explain more in my book ‘It’s not a midlife crisis, it’s an opportunity’. In a nutshell, a midlife crisis is not something that just passes and you wake up one day and think ‘that was stupid’, I will go back to the old life again. You need to understand why life wasn’t working for you, you need to answer difficult questions like ‘how do I make my life more meaningful’ and do the hard work that you’re currently doing on yourself. Sadly most people would rather answer an easier set of questions like ‘do I fancy my coworker’ and that their only mistake was picking the wrong person to ‘save’ them from their own crisis. So by all means read my book and because you will find it help with the second half of your life too, it also works as a book to give a man (or woman) going through a midlife crisis but whether they will thank you for giving it to them is questionable….
Gwynn Guiliano says
“(If I was writing to him, I’d be asking if he was doing enough to help you feel sexual as having children does nothing for a woman’s body image.)”
Excuse me??? Where do you get your information? I’ve had three children and am perfectly happy with my body! You, sir, need an attitude adjustment!
Barbara says
My husband threw me out 3 months ago. He turned my kids against me. He can’t remember any of our good moments. He always asks why wasn’t I happy with him. I always tell him I was. He wants a divorce. He had two infidelities at the same time. Things went so bad I tried to take my own life. I’m better now and I’m away from him. The truth is though I miss my family. I’ve decided to give him and my kids space. I’m hoping they will see what I have faced. He was so evil and cold. He always protected me but not now. I finally decided to let him have everything and now he’s mad about that. I’m at a loss. Enlighten me.
Andrew G. Marshall says
I’m pleased to here you are feeling better and no longer feel suicidal. Although it is good to give space to your children, if they are too upset at the moment or frightened to speak to you – but be sure that’s what they REALLY want. I expect they want to know that you care about them and want a better relationship in the future. I would hate for them to interpret ‘space’ as ‘disinterested’. So keep in contact even if it is an occasional text or call. So why is your husband still angry – even though it seems that he has everything he wants. Well, one way of avoiding looking at our own stuff is to blame and get angry with other people. We feel better for a about five minutes but nothing changes. So next time, think ‘water of a duck’s back’. It’s not about me. Instead focus your energy on what you can effect: your recovery
Laura says
What do you do when they’ve already moved out and joined a cult of sorts and I believe a woman is behind bringing him there ? Hes now looking to change his job, change everything he knew. Removed our wedding pic out of his wallet. I am devastated. He asked for a divorce but he says he loves me but we can’t live together ? We’ve been separated 4 months in a slow process of a divorce, he was very impulsive about the divorce !!!
Andrew G. Marshall says
If he is joining a cult of some sorts, you are fighting on two fronts. The ‘new love will save me’ front (which in a sense is a sort of cult) and I real life ‘cult’ too. Sadly, I don’t think there is anything you can do to convince him of his mistakes. I would take the divorce very very slowly and see if he comes to his senses. In the meantime, try and think why he was so vulnerable that he fell for not just one cult but too. Hint. It will have something to do with his childhood. Finally, remember it’s not your job to sort his life out for him. Ultimately, he has to discover that it@s his job – not the other woman and certainly not the cult (although both will be telling him they are the answer).
Dena says
You’re generalizing too much. Every person & situation is different. There is a difference between midlife “transition” & midlife “crisis”. It IS a midlife crisis if a person had a chaotic childhood, has unresolved issues, & is an overall weak minded individual. Those without childhood pain, or that have faced & resolved any such issues, “transition”, & yes THAT is an opportunity. This is the THIRD time with my husband in 12 years. I’ve done all the right things each time, but it’s up to the one in crisis to work on themselves. At the end of the day you can’t reason with crazy, nor can you lead a horse to water & make it drink. It takes two to repair, & when one is in CRISIS they are usually unwilling to do anything but run & behave like an erratic teenager. And the older they get the more intense the crisis. You have two choices: steer clear of the crises & wait it out while working on yourself, or throw in the towel & start a new life without them. It angers me to no end that society, & especially the medical field. is so oblivious to this mental breakdown, yet we can fly to the moon. So many suffer, especially the families that are destroyed along the way. It’s sad & pathetic. I’ve been tempted to start an awareness to this societal issue, as well as movement to have extreme “crisis” individuals institutionalized to get the help that some so desperately need.
Andrew G. Marshall says
I agree with every word you say until the last sentence that in extreme situations people need to be institutionalised. As you say earlier, you can bring a horse to water but you can’t make it drink.
kg says
I have been searching everywhere most every day for the past month trying to come to grips with the mid-life crisis. I thought we had a good marriage for a long time. The past year has been extremely rocky but really chalked it up to his job. He is part owner so no easy to walk away. Every night would be the same conversation as the night before with so much anger. I have a high level stressful job as well. We have done things together, but things have not been the same. Our daughter is getting married and he is having such a hard time with it. I tried explaining, we are gaining a great son in law and they will have kids. He will have the same relationship with the grandkids as he has our daughter only better. I made the mistake one day to ask what was the matter, he had so much anger on his face. That is when I go the words, I AM DONE, it has been over for a long time, I have tried so many times. Of course I cried, was in shock everything everyone else has felt. Of course not sure how long he felt it was done, every excuse was a general one. I owned up to my issues and wrong doing and blamed myself at first. He continued to live in the house and acted as though things are normal, even sleeping in the same bed. I let him know during any conversation this is not what I want and I am devastated. He said we could talk and try, but the talk was everything I did wrong and there was no trying. I finally moved to one of the other bedrooms. I leave before he is up and come home late. I stopped cooking and doing his laundry, he said he needed a wife not a mother. I explained I do what I do out of love. Hey we were not perfect and I know I was not. But through his many faults, the love I have out weighed the bad. We are only a month from the wedding, my daughter is so upset does not even want to look at him for doing this to us both. I have tried to explain what I think it is. I have given him his space. I am back to taking care of myself for a change. Once the wedding is over he will need to decide what he wants, I cannot live in limbo anymore. The more I read everywhere, the more I get hopeless as it does not seem like we can resolve this. He is very black and white and right now, it is all about him as it always has been. I told my daughter to please not hang onto the anger, I do not want their relationship to end and for her sake please try to let it go. He thinks we can spend Holidays together, he still talks to me like I am his person, I am not and have tried to respond less to any text. I feel he text for himself, it gave me false hope at the beginning. I have to let go because this is his choice and I cannot change it. Each day I feel I get stronger and not that I think he will change, I sometimes wonder after all that has been said to me and done, how would I even react. I have not said anything as once the words are out I cannot take back.
I am really not adding much to anything anyone else has said, I am just spilling my thoughts as I have done so many times on paper.
He will never seek out help as he does not think he has an issue. I sent him an article at the beginning, he said he agreed with some but not all.
I wish there were answers or solutions, but each case has so much in common but at the same time so different due to all being different personalities.
All I can say is you have to take care of yourself. Financially, I make more money even though he is partners in a business so finance does not scare me. I will never be mean in the divorce, but it will be fair, I will not just give things away because it was things he wanted not me. That is not fair. I try to not hold the anger inside me, but I am sure as time goes on and if someone else comes in the picture, it will kill me and I am sure the love and respect will fade quickly.
My present and future was taken away from me without even a chance. This is what family and close friends cannot understand. He is a great guy, as said has faults like the rest of us, but someone you would never ever expect this from. Him getting older, the daughter getting married, hating the job, I really feel is what put us where we are.
I really do feel 100% men and woman think so differently and because of our empathy and thought process helps to talk something like this out instead of holding in like they do. Not all men but the vast majority.
Andrew G. Marshall says
If you want to get your head round the mid life crisis, have a look at my book ‘It’s not a mid life crisis, it’s an opportunity’ or ‘Living an examined life: wisdom for the second half of the journey’ by James Hollis. Basically what has happened is to be a GREAT guy, he has gone along with what other people want. It probably goes right back to his mother – telling comment he wants a wife not a mother – who wanted him to live a certain life, to make her proud and happy. He has suddenly realised that he is not going to live forever and he should think about what he wants. Sadly rather than being a considered discussion, he has suppressed and suppressed and exploded with anger. Sadly, it doesn’t sound like he is taking control of his life either – because blaming other people for your choices is still being a teenager rather than being an adult who is in charge of your own life. But read the books and suggest your daughter does too because it will seem a little less personal and that will reduce the bitterness a bit.
KG says
Thank you so much, I will get your book. It is a rollercoaster for me every day. As I just don’t know where his head is at and I continue to get the false hope. He needs to move out after the wedding as much as I hate to see that happen, I don’t think he will come back. But he needs to be away from me to see. This is the hardest thing I have ever gone through in my 58 years. I can run 4 branches of a company, but just can’t get to the right place with this. I am sure the book will encourage so many things I already think. Thank you for reply.
KG
Mary Butler says
I like what you’ve said Doc.
This ain’t for sissies. My H is gone after being home for 4 years from his mid life crisis affair and implosion last time . This time alcohol is really really taking its toll. Found him sitting with a horribly ugly woman stranger in his car at a liquor store.
He’s back to MLC shell.
At least he feels bad for me. Says “I’m the only real friend he’s ever had. ”
I guess because I quit drinking 18 years ago and he didn’t he feels like he needs a drinking buddy at this juncture. Depression runs deep here. Always glass is half full. Everyone’s fault except him.
Aw.
The bilateral DVTs sent him to the ER and he never returned.
I grew so much from help I received last time he did this from The Heroes Spouse website.
I’m big on forgiveness.
This is over the top seriously. We have two girls 16 and 18. College for one. 11 th grade rocket scientist the other.
So I’m a pharmacist married 20 years and we’re both 58 and now I think he’s living in his car in Woodstock. Or staying at this woman’s apartment. Egads
He’s broke. Out of work with blood clots. Using his sick days.
Gone since October 20th
Ran into them twice at local convenience stores. They were sitting in his car talking or eating . Gave him his orthotics, disability paperwork for his jobs HR. He was waiting for the orthotics for a month now. I Told him I loved him. I told her to get out of our marriage he needs rehab.
Working on me. He’s hitting rock bottom.
It’s unbelievable that he’d rather sit with a weird stranger drinking cheap wine with his phone off and voicemail box full for 14 days.
It’s a bad scene for them. He’s a train wreck . I hope he can figure this journey out.
I pray he does. . He’s my peanut.
Thanks. Mary
Andrew G. Marshall says
What a terrible story. It shows how ignoring problems makes things worse. It shows how a feel good quick solution to deep problems leads to even greater ones. I hope he gets rehab too – because until he sorts out his addiction, nothing else can be addressed. Sadly, as I expect you know, he has to want to change – you can@t do it for him. If you find yourself trying to rescue – don’t forget about the fellowships for the partners of addicts.
Helen says
Hello Andrew
I heard you on a radio talk show last night. I wanted to write because I think that unless you have been cheated on and in my case, abandoned in a marriage or relationship it is impossible to understand the deep shock, trauma, pain and loss of self-worth the partner experiences. I caught myself doubting my own role in the marriage breakup once again. My ex left suddenly and there weren’t signs this was going to happen. In retrospect I could see that he was ‘grumpy’ and detached, towards me and the children , away for work a lot. He left a bewildered wife, kids, friends and extended family in his wake.
If a marriage is breaking down that is one thing. But cheating is a separate issue. It really is part of a bigger picture. It includes dishonesty, lack of respect, lack of empathy, selfishness, potentially putting a partner at risk of STI’S and usually some kind of financial theft of joint savings. It includes moving energy and effort towards another. You cannot say it is a mistake. It is a conscious act.
To place the blame on the partner for this is cruel and naïve.
I feel this is a bit like the ‘Me Too’ movement. In time people will realize how skewed their views were about infidelity and there will be more people openly sharing the significant pain and of the instances where they were felt they were being made responsible for their partner cheating.
.
Andrew G. Marshall says
I do not think you are responsible for your husband’s infidelity. And I think you are right that there are similarities between infidelity like abuse (ie: the me too movement) both include doing something without the other person’s consent – so I can see the link, I think you’re making. I would not want to under estimate the pain of being abandoned. However, I was being interviewed about whether it was possible to come back from infidelity and I believe a marriage is savable if the unfaithful partner acknowledges what he has done, understands why he cheated and wants to repair the damage and learn from what he did wrong. I am sorry that your husband was not interested in this journey.
Katia Ferreira says
I’m in Brazil and I can’t find a store to buy the kindle version.
Andrew G. Marshall says
Sorry to hear that. Have you tried using the US amazon site? I don’t think there are any area restrictions on the book. If you can’t get a kindle edition, get a physical book (with free postage and packing) from the book depository https://www.bookdepository.com/Its-Not-Midlife-Crisis-its-Opportunity-Andrew-G-Marshall/9780992971892?ref=grid-view&qid=1546452173628&sr=1-2
Pat Davidson says
anybody that is going through this should not be told not to get upset not only do you get upset you are hurt ever since I had an Aneurism whic I did die for a few minutes almost 3 years ago my husband has not touched me I have been married 34 years has not always be great but we would always get threw it I do not have the strength to go threw this with him he is 63 and I 61 he claims he is going thru a crisis and says I am 63 i can do what I want he is hooked on going down the shore every weekend and not coming home some the the nights during the week he dont come home I am not upset about the fact there might be someone else I just want him to leave and I would like a divorce why would he fight me on something like that it will only make what he is going threw easier on me and he can be free to go I thru is crises I don’t want to be around for it. He is very cold to me and I am not used to being treated like that I would like to find my own happiness I am very unhappy with all of this. My lifwe is my grandchildren with want happened to me I dont need this I need advice on how to handle this.
Andrew G. Marshall says
Could you tell him how you feel? Could you tell him that you’re not upset about someone else but you can’t go on like this? Could you have this conversation when you are both calm? Could you ask him what he suggests for getting out of this crisis – if it is not a divorce? Could you listen to his answer and ask for explanations – with an open mind? Reflect on it and then give feedback.
Shelly says
I really needed to hear this advice. I am in a similar boat to the lady who wrote the letter and I have done alot of self work and realization of my part in how things went within our marriage. the problem I have now is that my husband simply does not communicate with me for any reason other than our daughter. there has never been and he still refuses to discuss his feelings in any way. I know he has alot of resentment for all of the work I have put into myself after he walk out but when i try to ask for a reason for an explanation of his actions or how/why he is feeling a certain way, he simply says. ” I’m not going to talk about this now.” We are already in the process of getting a divorce and i see no way out of it if he refuses to talk to me about our relationship in any way 🙁
Andrew G. Marshall says
Have you tried a fulsome apology? I explain how to make one in ‘My husband doesn’t love me and he’s texting someone else.
Mary says
My husband of 20 years just left us 2 months ago, like all of a sudden! we were just watching movie in our leaving room the night before and the next day he called me and told me that He love me, but not in love with me anymore…That he wants his freedom and he feel trap and unhappy! I was beyond devastated and so as my kids. I noticed the changes of his behavior started 2 years ago but it became intense, actually the bomb dropped in Oct 2017 it triggered when we had a big issue in our business that we cannot compromised. Then he started an affair with my very close friend and I found out in January of 2018 and he begged for forgiveness and he gave me false promises that he will be loyal and faithful to me. We had a good marriage but not perfect he’s been faithful to me and no major issues. Ever since the bomb dropped and even after he ask and apology and gave me his words that he will be faithful and loyal to me he is still not normal he’s always depress and complain that he’s not happy. He planned a trip to Tibet and think that he will find his happiness there, he changed his eating habits, he’s depress, not talking a lot and treated me with no respect, irritable and takes a long drive by himself, very cold and distant and does not believe in our religion anymore. On Dec. of 2018 I caught him texting with the other woman whom he had an affair with months before (my close friend) and after I caught him he told me that I will never be blissful with him that he will cheat on me again and he doesn’t wanna be married anymore. It’s not you it’s me. He said he wanted to have a partner that believe on what he’s believing and he said that the other woman makes him feel good. And couple weeks later he was fine again and gave me a very nice message on his Christmas card to me saying that “2018 was a bad year for us and 2019 will be the best year for us and thank you for truly loving me” and he made a promise again that no more infidelity. So, I went away in January 16-March 17’2019 to do a Medical and Humanitarian Mission out of the country and when I came back 2 weeks later he moved out! And admitted to me that he is reconnected with the other woman again. At this time I felt numbed and stunned I don’t know how to react on what I just heard. I can’t believed it’s happening again. Was it my fault that I left for 2 months and that gave him a chance to re- connect with the other woman? I feel so guilty thinking of that. I truly love him we had great memories together, we always travel as family, he makes me and our kids laugh, we cook together we support our kids with all their activities and now that’s all history. I want him to come back to us I just don’t know how? Or is it possible that he will come back? Is there an end to a midlife crisis? I need your advise. Please help me…
Thank you!
Sincerely,
Mary
Andrew G. Marshall says
I am sorry to hear about your problems with your husband. It is really painful to be lied to repeatedly to the point that you don’t know whether you are coming or going. Let me make one things clear: you are not to blame for your husband’s affair (whatever he says). It is not your job to be around 24/7 keeping him faithful, so don’t criticise yourself for the humanitarian work. He would probably have started up the affair again any way.
So what has been going on? It is perfectly possible that your husband is having a midlife crisis. (You can find out more about it in my book ‘It’s not a midlife crisis, it’s an opportunity’) It might have seemed to start with the business crisis but I expect the roots go right back to his childhood – as a midlife crisis has a way of finding the faultlines from the past and breaking them open. I expect a whole lot of things in his life weren’t working but instead of looking deep and discovering what changes he needed to make for a meaningful second half of his life, he just closed down and ploughed on. At this point lots of men, and some women, find something to feel better and as he’s discovered he loves the way that she makes him feel. Not because she is so wonderful but because everybody likes attention, flattery and the power of limerence. (The crazy walking on air moment of falling in love – which your husband things will last forever but doesn’t).
So let’s answer your questions…. Will he come back? It is perfectly possible but he is deep in his affair (and unable to think straight). He is busy justifying his actions and he is literally not thinking straight. I call it affair brain. Is there any end to the midlife crisis? Yes. But you have to do the hard work of sorting out what needs to be repaired from your childhood and young adulthood. You need to work out what gives your life meaning – rather than doing what your parents or everybody else thinks is right. It takes lots of work. Sadly your husband things his affair partner is the answer, so he hasn’t even started. He will have to fall a long way before he is ready to open his eyes and do the hard work.
So what can you do? First of all, you can understand what is REALLY going on. So you don’t blame yourself and get even more distraught Read my book about the midlife crisis. Read my book about affairs: How can I ever trust you again? And understand how to cope with him: ‘My husband doesn’t love me and he’s texting someone else’. You might decide it is too much work and you don’t want anything to do with him. Alternatively, you might want to keep the door open while he is discovering she is not the answer to his problems (but making everything worse). If that’s the case, you might be interested in the on-going support I give in my group…How to Make a Relationship Work
Mary O. says
Thank you very much for your reply. You are indeed right about my husband’s childhood he had a very bad childhood that was never dealt with. I will definitely look in to the books that you recommended and possibly sign up for “ How to make relationship work. I think I am just gonna let him process his midlife crisis on his own since he’s moved out the house and hoping that he will come back to us. I will have to accept his behavior but not to the point that I will let him abuse me. Do you think I will respond to him in a kind way? Would that work? Should I not contact him? Or should I invite him over the house sometimes to join us to dinner? I just don’t know what to do…All I know is I love him very much and I want him to come home. Thank you again for your response I truly appreciate your time.
Andrew G. Marshall says
You have the beginning of a way forward. Accept he has moved out and that he’s having a mid life crisis, but be aware that you need to have good boundaries (so you don’t let him abuse you). However, where the boundaries are, is up to you. If you can be kind and keep the lines of communication open that’s fine. If you are exhausted and have no energy to deal with his acting out of his demons – don’t contact him (or send back polite but distant messages.
Lynn says
I’m going through the same thing I have been married for 38 years but my husband is 64 and so I’m I. he has been gone for 9 months came back twice is having an emotional affair, and just can’t seem to break it off she calls him and text him and he does the same, but when we are together we are awesome, we. have some problems but he say the same thing that all men in a MLC, want out. doesn’t feel welcome not sure if he loves me our marriage has gone flat. we are in some sort of triangle. I think he feels guilty about the other women, and doesn’t know how to end things with out hurting her, she was there for him when I wasn’t, he felt un love and not unwanted she has been his emotional crunch. But I believe in us and I’m not ready to give up yet need help
Andrew G. Marshall says
It is tough fighting for a marriage when you are the only one doing the fighting. If you feel that you need support think about joining my infidelity support group. Andrew G. Marshall’s Infidelity Survival Training and Support Group You might like to get a copy of my book ‘It’s not a midlife crisis, it’s an opportunity’. It is written for both the partner devastated by the MLC and their partner going through it. I hope it will help bring a positive dimension to your discussions.
Eileen says
I knew this was written by a man! So basically what you’re saying is, if I want to save my marriage, I should close my eyes to him locking himself in the bathroom with his phone so he can continue to actively search for sex partners on sex porn sites. I’m supposed to ignore him getting trashed with alcohol on a daily basis and berating me and blaming me for everything wrong in his life. I’m supposed have sex with him, upon request, freely knowing he’s sleeping around with other women. THAT’S HOW I’M GOING TO SAVE MY MARRIAGE? By letting him basically do whatever the hell he wants???Typical male response. Just let him do what he wants, when he wants, with whoever he wants and for how ever long he wants. You think women need to just suck it up! We don’t deserve to be treated that way! Boo hoo.. he had a rough childhood. So did I but I’m not running around trying to implode my life and trying to have sex with anyone willing. Our sex life has been off the charts fantastic so why on this Earth would he need to do what he’s doing? No I don’t want you to answer that because you’re a guy and all guys stick together. You’ll probably say something like “He just needs to get through it” What about us? The women who have done nothing to deserve this treatment but yet you say we need to basically
“STAND BY YOUR MAN” I personally think this whole Mid Life Crisis crap is just an excuse for men to run rampant… and it was probably made up by a man! Whatever way it started, implying we women should just suck it up until he gets through his issues is sooooo wrong on so many levels! I’ve gotten to the point where I’m not going to keep watch so he doesn’t implode his life and future. If he ends up with an STD or looses his job and destroys everything good in his life… so be it! No woman should be told to except that kind of behavior under any circumstances!
Andrew G. Marshall says
I am not saying you should close your eyes to his bad and thoughtless behaviour! Perhaps that’s what you expected to hear and have drawn your own conclusions.
It sounds like you are incredibly angry and that’s fine. I would be under the same circumstances… but if you’re interested in my opinion – which I assume if why you have written to me (despite the insults) – is that when I find one angry partner, I normally find another one. So I would guess that your husband is angry too – but probably expressing it in passive aggressive ways.
So I would suggest couple counselling so you can listen to the causes of the anger and see if you want to resolve them or go your separate ways.
lisa says
I agree with a lot who responded. Part of my recovery from this traumatic series of events is having to accept that we DO NOT have any control in this matter. I find it absolutely appalling the marketing strategies of MANY online therapist giving hope to so many heartbroken spouses that it all depends how WE handle the destructive and painful decesion of our
midlife crisis spouse. What kind of ass backwards thinking is this? This advice crushes the soul. The closest, most loved person you know betrays you and treats you like garbage but we are suppose to hide our anger and try to be empathetic to them? If we dont handle them a certain way, WE ARE TO BE BLAME for the failure of the marriage?????? I’m sorry this is just evil marketing at it’s finest. Convince people they have the power to change their situation……”if you just sign up for my program……or buy my book.” This is NOT helping spouses that have been ultimately betrayed and have gone through trauma.
Andrew G. Marshall says
I can assure you I am not part of some evil marketing scheme. My book is aimed at the person who is going through a mid-life crisis (not their partners). Of course, I recommend it – not for the money. (The profit margin on books is tiny). It is because I have put a year of thinking into the MLC and written 80 thousand words on the topic. I can assure you the message is not that you are to blame! It is the opposite – helping the person going through the crisis understand what is happening, why their life doesn’t work and to STOP them blaming other people. Sure I believe that people can change and I show them how.
Carey T says
When I read this a few months ago I immediately thought you were siding with my husband and dismissed a lot of what you said. I thought you were blaming the woman and not the man. Now, I realize how much what you have said makes sense. The blaming section really describes my husband’s upbringing. You also accurately described both of our unintended patterns of behavior. Unfortunately, we are probably too far gone to repair what we had. I have done a tremendous amount of therapy and continue to work on myself. I can’t fix him. I can’t work on my marriage if he isn’t willing to try. He is self-medicating. He has become very religious in a short period of time. He has spun a narrative that depicts me as a selfish person that just constantly took from him. I’m no longer buying the bs he’s been feeding me about myself for the past 6 months. It’s me time. I can be cordial and nice and not give into his whims or unreasonable wants… an open marriage so he can screw around and not be financially responsible for me and the kids? Let’s just end my suffering and divorce.
I’m sad for him. I know he’s not happy. I know he feels guilty. I also know that trying to fix him only pushes him farther away. I’m at the point where I’m running away from him. He is drowning and pulling me under. I’m choosing to swim to shore. Maybe I will throw him a lifeline in the future. Not now though.
I think sometimes when we are so hurt it’s hard to hear certain truths about ourselves. We are not perfect and need to learn that good enough is okay.
Thank you Andrew. It takes guts to be vulnerable and put yourself out there.
Andrew G. Marshall says
What a beautiful post. Thank you very much. It is hard to realise that you can’t fix someone – even though you love them. It is hard to swim for the shore rather than circle round in the hope of saving him but it is the only sane solution. Good enough is not just OK, it is wonderful place to be! If you’re working on yourself, have a look at my book ‘Wake Up and Change Your Life’. I have a section built round a famous saying ‘From the crooked timber of humanity, nothing straight was ever made’. So it is fine to be ‘good enough’ because ‘perfect’ is not possible (and drives us nuts). And going one step wonderful, crooked timber (when like you are, it is floating up to the surface) is actually rather awesome.