A Reader Writes…
Basically , I am in a long distance relationship for about a year now. We are both 24 and love each other so much that our parents met up in her city to talk seriously. We are from the same culture and traditionally we want to get married after a few years. I treated her like a Queen and more.
I am her first ever relationship and she is mine too. We both always wanted to wait for the perfect person for us. Her family loves me and mine loves her. Everyone got along and there was a lot of love and happiness. Since we are long distance, I would do really nice surprises like send her a box of thoughtful gifts and gestures for her birthday and Valentines day, as well as send her a random thinking of you card in the mail with some thoughtful gesture like gifts. I even am encouraging her to pursue school in interior design that I randomly sent her a whole art supplies
package in the mail to get her motivated.
Basically we had a few problems lately. I said some things that she took sensitively and disrespectfully, unintentionally on my part but she held on to it even after I apologized a million times. 20 days ago, she called me on skype before she went off on a trip with her mother for a month. She said she needs a bit of space for the trip and needs just a month for us to cool off and for her to heal and forget, and she wanted to take this time to reduce stress and for me to rethink everything like the things I said and did. I was devastated.
She then texted me after the phone call saying many times that we are not breaking up, we are just de stressing and if she did want to end the relationship then she would have but that’s not what she wanted. She said we’re taking this time to reduce all the stress and for me to rethink about everything like the hangs I’ve did and done.
I told her I would change for the better, and that I needed her too to work alongside me in our relationship. She reassured me about 14 times in the texts that by taking a break doesn’t mean we are breaking up but this was something we both need. Again she then texted we are not leaving each other and that we are still together. I am so confused cause we don’t talk at all. I’m guessing I have to wait till the month break she asked for is over?
She texted again asking how I was the next day, and I said “fine I guess” She then said be optimistic, everything is just fine. A few days later another random hey how you doing hope all is well, message.
17 days ago, I sent her a crazy apology text on whatsapp and then I tried to send her a good morning text on whatsapp to check on her. I noticed then she had removed me as a contact from Skype and blocked me from whatsapp. These were two main sources for our communication. I honestly feel sooooooo crappy right now. Why would she block me like that when before she was saying all is good? I would feel very little if I emailed her though.
What’s really bothering me is why she would go and block me from whatsapp and Skype. I spoke to her sister and she said to just wait till she comes back so we an have a serious talk and to decide from there what to do as in stay or go and to not email her at all till she comes back cause contacting her will make things work. She said it will depend on the changes too in me.
I am literally so hurt. I don’t know how she can just leave me in the dark with my heart burning and breaking while she goes on vacation with her parents. She was so innocent and perfect when we met and stayed that way till just last month. Now she’s not talking to me at all and I want us to go back to how we were. I am doing my best with her to resolve the issue but it’s like frozen in her head to not let go of it although she said she forgives me then this random block from no where after she texted me. I am so hurt I’ve prayed to Die in all sincerity and hope.
I am really confused and upset because I really want her and I really love her but when she asked for a months space but we can talk from time to time, and her still having open communication with me, where does this leave us? I am so confused and want to fix everything but I feel like I am in no position to do anything right now because I don’t want to do anything else stressful on her. She blocked me off of whatsapp and skype, so do i just go on without trying to message her email?
Her older sister messages with me and gives me advice. She’s been really helpful. She said things like I made some mistakes by disrespecting her by comparing her etc, but I really didn’t mean to. She said to just be patient with her and the best thing to do is to always watch what I say and give her all my love, but how can I when I am not able to since communication is lost. I am really hurt from everything and the whole skype and whatsapp cutoff stabbed like a butcher knife. Why would she do this and is this setting a precedent for me?
As for what I said, she’s on a trip to Europe and a country in the middle east. She knows im really protective and jealous and in that country in the middle east, the guys there in everyplace (malls, roads, wherever) follow girls to a point it’s scary as hell. She was saying she wanted to take a few off shoulder shirts with her so I asked her it would mean a lot to me if she didn’t wear that type of shirt and style there and to be more conservative over there. She is a very stylish girl. I then went off to say that she’s a girl from a good family with values and the girls who wear those types of shirts over there are girls who want to grab the attention of guys and “s***ts” and “w****res”, so why put yourself in the same image as them? She then went off to say I was really disrespectful and couldn’t get over it. This happened about a month and a week exactly ago.
The same day we were fighting, I was preparing a huge early valentines day package for her that I put a lot of effort and thought into it. She would like to pursue a second degree in interior design so I in the box I placed a few sketch pads, pastels, and sketching pencils, her favourite hot chocolate tins, a ring-Bracelet, a valentine day teddy bear, a photo album of all of our pictures and memories, a Hand written card, some chocolates, and I sprayed it all with my cologne.
About 5 days later she received it and was in amazement and gratitude and appreciation. We continued to talk. Things went well and then a few days later we had a small argument about the fight in which I was trying to mend.
Then just a couple of weeks ago, like I told you, I got the call the day she’s going on her trip asking for space cause she needs the time to heal and forget about all the disrespect and things I said and she said we’re not breaking up but rather it’s good for us and for me to rethink about what I did and said and for a chance to improve and change. She kept reassuring me that we’re not breaking up but instead this was something she knew was needed to mend things but it’s killing me that I can’t talk at all to her or hear from her. I wonder if she thinks about me and if or when she’ll talk to me. What worries me is if at the end of the month she’ll just go away especially that there is no dialogue or talk right now. I am respecting her wishes to have her space and time and therefore sending an email right now seems like not the best of ideas. I am so sure that she intentionally blocked my contact in whatsapp and Skype, both mediums in which we talked a lot on, so I would feel really little if I emailed her looking like a beggar hahaha. I’ve read online that the best thing to do is no contact. I contacted a relationship councillor and this is what she said
“Well stop a second. Did you ever think that the reason she blocked you is so she COULD have that “month of space”? She knows that if you contact her, she’ll respond, and so on and so forth. Before you know it, her “month long break” is NO type of break, since you’re still COMMUNICATING every day. It may not be to HURT you, or because she’s MAD at you. She may just want to ENSURE that you
guys take the break that she wanted, as opposed to still talking every day.” It’s just a kick to the face to be blocked like that. It makes me feel of no worth at all to her with the way she’s acting and get behaviour of intentional ignoring of me.
What do you think? Is she giving me false hope? She’s a good girl and I know she’s not seeing others especially that she’s on a family trip with her parents and on the phone she said if I was worried about her going off with someone else then to not worry cause she has no interest at all for that. What can you gather from this and what can you recommend? Is this relationship over? I can send you the text messages and Skype texts to get a better feel.
There is a very fine line between being the best boyfriend in the world and a complete pest. It’s great to get a text or a call from your beloved, but 20 a day, 30 or 40? At this point, it can come across as controlling and wanting to know where you are all the time.
It’s great to have a protective boyfriend, but that can tip over into being jealous or controlling (there’s that word again). You might think you’re asking her to wear conservative clothes in a very nice way; “it would mean a lot to me if…” and looking out for her best interests but basically that’s putting emotional blackmail on her. It makes her feel ten years old – and not capable of dressing herself – and yes you guessed it: controlling.
Similarly the presents, it’s really nice to receive a present but sometimes you can get so many presents that it becomes over-the-top and come with strings attached. I know this is going to be difficult to hear and critical, but I’m just trying to show you how easy it is for you to tip over from being a great boyfriend into something darker.
So why did she block you? It seems that you are a complete force of nature. You’ve got a huge personality and a lot to say for yourself. When you’re with somebody like that it can be difficult to think straight because they have all the answers. So what should you do? The clue comes from her sister. It’s down to two things; what your girlfriend wants and you changing.
Now, I wonder if you’ve begun to think about what kind of changes your girlfriend might want in you? (If you have, it doesn’t come across in your letter.) It’s been all about your upset and how much it’s hurt you that she’s been blocking you. So what could these changes be? Basically, you are a very dramatic person. You are praying to ‘die’ about this (I know it feels horrible but you’re just making a nasty situation into an life threatening one) and she is ‘perfect’ which also raises the stakes. This black and white thinking turns what could be just a “lovers’ tiff” into a dramatic opera which needs a cast of 30,000 people and a full orchestra to do it justice.
I hope you’re beginning to understand where I’m coming from because she needs not just only space but when she talks, for you to listen. Every time you want to speak, be quiet and listen some more. If you don’t understand, ask her a question and then another question but at the moment my guess is that you just try and bat down her concerns. If you truly listen to her, you can truly understand the problems and then you can begin to fix them.
So have a think about what you’d like to change about your behaviour and put it into practice. By all means, send her ONE email explaining but keep it short (about a third of your email to me) and wait for her to reply.
Finally, you might like to read my book My Wife Doesn’t Love Me Any More as it explains how men’s panic pushes their women further away – just when they need to get closer.
Mine was sort of the same we had a great relationship for nearly 3 years. When I first met her I use to see her all the time always at her house she also had a little girl which we got on so well. me and ex girl talked every day I thought we where really close and this was the one for me babies/marriage etc I wanted to build a life with her. One weekend I had to work away for a couple of days then she had a problem at home then that’s when it all started: 2 months of craziness not taking my calls, distance her self from me. I asked if there was another guy a ex maybe she said no then we talked. When i just showed up at her work place which she wasnt happy about it, didn’t say much apart from she needed space. I left thinking that was it and not going to contact her again. Then she reaches out a week later texting me sending me personal videos so I asked why are you doing this she got upset and said sorry if I’m confusing you. I said no I think your confusing your self, you say one thing but your actions are totally different. We had a heated argument where we said some nasty things to each other. I phoned her few times after that to say sorry, eventually i got through but she was so upset. Her friends got involved and said i was controlling threating and harassing her …which I was so shocked about as this is the very first argument I’ve ever had and all i wanted to do was say sorry but i do know the same friend that i spoke was so jealous of her happiness what we had.
Now we dont talk at all which I miss her and her daughter so much she always says I give to easy but I’ve reached so much times on ttying to fix things right but it hasn’t gotten me no where apart driving her away and I know her friends plays a big part in this HELP/ADVICE anyone???
Andrew G. Marshall says
It is probably something to do with the ‘nasty things’ that were said. I know you were both probably as bad as each other, but we have a tendency to REMEMBER the insults thrown at us and FORGET what we said (or just discount it as nasty). However, words leave a mark. I know it is tough but unless you learn from this experience – and think about what you’d like to change – you’ll be trapped in the past
I think your right as she is very sensitive we don’t talk at all now in your experience do you think there is anyway I can sort this out with her it’s been over a month and I can’t stop thinking bout her other women havery tried to chat me up and I’m not interested at all I just want her and only her is there anyway she possible feels the same and maybe waiting for me to reach out or should I just leave her alone?
Also it was her friend who said I should leave her alone and never to contact her again while she was in the background crying but maybe it’s me i don’t know but my gut instinct is telling me to call her as I reckon she would like that cause it’s been over a month since we ain’t talked
I face a similar situation, where we had lots of arguments for the past 2 weeks and with me saying harsh mean words. However, we still decided that we sort all issues over the weekend and that we both don’t want any arguments and want to be happy.
It was Thursday and we had a skype chat and was good and we wanted to be with each other and on Friday she was sounding a bit cold but still using the word Amor and I was going home to chat with her on skype. On my way I started skype and for the first time she said that she has to clean the room and is busy and I was surprised with her tone. I came to know on Thursday that she was angry with me since a week and that she was contemplating that she wanted to leave me as she disclosed on Thursday on Skype. I asked what she wants now and she said that she sees the change on Thursday and she wants to continue and was sure about it. She said that she is surprised to see the change and is happy.
So coming back to Friday I said that ok clean your room and we chat once I reach home. I was walking towards home from station and she asked if I reached home. She said give her 30 minutes to clean her room and that I have my dinner. She asked that Amor you reached home and I said yes. also said that I don’t feel like eating as I was not hungry and sent few messages. Suddenly she was not receiving messages on skype and I wanted to be positive (not ask like before what happened to network and wanted to show her the change). Another hour passed and then I messaged that are you around and lets start skype. You clean your room and I will be around doing my work just like we did everything together until the last week. No Replies that night.
We had planned to give each other time this weekend (Last 3 weekends she was at her parents house and therefore I could not discuss the issues we have and what we both want from each other)
She told me on Friday night that she will go to beach and also to her parents house as she forgot her wallet (she told this to me earlier so I believed her).
So Saturday morning I woke up as I was not getting sleep and sent her a message of great day and have enjoy beach. Gave her all the sweet names and told her that please remove the anger from her system and that forgive me.
I messaged her sister to check if she was ok as she suddenly fell unconscious last weekend and wanted to be sure she is ok.
Past Tuesday (we had 2 arguments relating this on Tuesday as I wanted to know that she has reached safe to work as she travels for 2 hours one side and got annoyed that she didn’t message until lunch time) She messages everyday and the day I asked her to message then she didn’t message so another argument.
Then I see that she blocked me on whatsapp and deleted me on Skype. Before deleting on skype I saw her coming online few times and I asked that why she is doing it this way. Dont end like this please. Not in a bad way. But anyways she deleted me.
I told her sister and she says that she doesnt want to talk to you. Give her space and let her come to you or just forget about her. Then I told her later that she deleted me on skype too.
Then her sister in evening said that she doesnt want to talk to you. She doesnt want to give you another chance. I was surprised that I was never given any chance. We had decided to sort issues as we dont speak same langauge and come from different cultures. She in the end told me that I am controlling. I was surprised to hear that.
I can unblock my self on whatsapp and can message her but my friend told me to wait and that she will message her and talk to her first and see what is the situation.
we met online and never met in person. We were planning to meet in December and I am thinking of traveling and giving her a surprise. She might hate it but at least is better to get a rejection on face rather than begin told Amor one night before with heart shaped smileys and the next day this happens.
What do you think I can do? Is asking my friend to talk to her good? She is also from her culture and can talk more maybe.
It is 3 weeks and I haven’t messaged her sister as well.
What is controlling?
Asking her to message me when she reaches office? (She used to do it everyday before the fight)
Asking her to message me when she is going for lunch? ( she used to message me everyday that she is going for lunch)
Asking her to come on skype at night (before she would tell em that she cannot think of a day without she seeing me on skype)
Asking her to explain me few things during argument ( I asked more due to cultural and language differences)
Asking her to learn english but that when she is with me then please give me importance and not english as she can set up a time for that and not mix it
Please tell me what should I do?
PS – She once told me that if I ever leave her then please just go suddenly as it hurts to go in front of the person. Therefore I want to try. I feel that maybe going to her country might be a good option.
Also sending her a letter telling what it felt these day and that I realize my mistakes (I told her on whatsapp on friday and her response was wow what a message and now she knows how much I want to be with her and saturday blocked).
Was she playing and that she got a good feeling to reject me? OR she got hatred for me in a week. Last week she would say that she is thankful to god and that she will never let me go away. She wants to be my balance and that we will sort all issues together. Although after fight she said that she was thinking to leave me on Friday, Tuesday, Wednesday but changed her mind on Thursday. But Saturday came and dont know what happened.
Andrew G. Marshall says
If someone accuses us of something – even in anger – it is worth stepping back and seeing if there is a small amount of truth in what they are saying and what we should do about it. In my book someone who asked me to constantly report when they’ve reached the office or went for lunch would be controlling. In an ideal world, she would have talked to you about this but it must be hard if you’re in different countries and different first languages. However, you need to respect her decision. She does not want to talk to you at the moment and trying to get to her via her sister or any other way is just going to make her feel you’re the wrong person for her. So be patient and think about what you could learn from this – so if you do get a second chance you can do things differently.
hi andrew, need your help. I was chattin with this girl who happens to be my classmate. Suddenly i developed feelings for her and it so appears tat she also has feelings for me. For some reason, I could not confess to her and suddenly she blocked me on wassup. After tat, i realised I truly love her and missed her. After 70 days , i sent a lengthy message expressing my feelings, for her and mentioned her that if u also ave same kind of feelings, unblock me else if there is no scope for any of these just send a message ” i will be happy n all the best to you too”. if u send tat message I will get clarity n will never contact u r disturb u . she did neiter.. Wat should I infer from this? Please explain wat is going on her mind? Would it be nice to call her?
Andrew G. Marshall says
If she does not reply, it probably means that she’s not interested. It’s a pity but better to concentrate your energy towards someone else