NB: names have been changed to preserve client anonymity.

Dawn and Jeff came to Couples Counselling with me after 23 years of being married. Dawn was 40 and Jeff was 48. They had four children spanning from mid-teens to one child under five.

They had been experiencing relationship difficulties throughout the 26 years that they had been together; and eight years ago, had even had a period of separation, brought about by some infidelity on Jeffs part.

They were now seeking help, because Dawn had discovered that Jeff was having a level of intimate text communication with another woman. Whilst according to Jeff, this communication and relationship had ended now; it was apparent that to move forward, it would be important for Jeff and Dawn to talk about this, in a way that would eventually help rebuild trust and understanding between the two of them.

During their initial assessment session, it became clear to me that there were many fundamental emotional issues for both of them and that it would be essential for me to do some deeper work with each of them individually. Perhaps even, at a depth in which they currently didn’t understand themselves. To facilitate this, I suggested that I have several individual sessions. This would be with the express intent that we would working to come back to couples’ sessions.

The benefit of doing this, is that as a therapist I can give my full attention to each half of the couple. It also makes it less volatile and easier for both me and each client to talk about the very difficult aspects of what has happened in their marriage. For example, to ask Jeff specifically “Tell me how did this affair begin”? “What did you gain from this and how do you feel about that person now”?

As I met with both Dawn and Jeff, I started to gain much greater insight into their lives, from their upbringing and family of origins, as well as their current adult lives. As I listened to the events that had taken place over their lifespans and reflected to them some of the emotional impacts of those events, I began to understand each of them and they began to understand themselves, in a much deeper and integrated way.

One of the skills that is taught during these conversations is to be able to identify, what the person is feeling, how can they communicate that feeling and what does that feeling mean? Or rather what is that feeling trying to tell me? When we can identify what the feeling is trying to tell us, we are in a better place to decide what we may we want to do with that information?

Dawn was the youngest of four children with a six-year age gap between her and her next sibling her sister Sarah and a fifteen-year age gap between her and her oldest brother. She was born in Malta, lived with her Mum and Dad and siblings, and eventually moved to the UK with her family when she was 8 years old.

The issues Dawn talked about with regards to her family gave me a lot of information that helped me understand her more deeply, but here I will talk about one of the most central concerns.

Her older sister Sarah was often in conflict with their mother. I wouldn’t be able to understand the cause of this without being able to talk in depth to Sarah, but it became clear that his caused distress for young Dawn. Dawn also learnt from this that she should be compliant and helpful, in order not to add to the chaos that was taking place around her. Dawn’s response was understandable given her age, but unfortunately this dynamic wasn’t noticed by the adults caring for her, who could have protected her and encouraged her to identify and express her own feelings.

It created several core beliefs in Dawn, which she has carried into adulthood, “If people become upset, be quiet and don’t argue.” “If you have difficult feelings, push them down and don’t share them.” “You have to do what other people want in order to make them happy”. “But when people aren’t happy, there is something wrong with me”.

As these beliefs became clear to Dawn and how she had struggled with them all her life, including in her marriage and current family, the knowledge of them offered a different perspective and clarity to all the relationships in her life, particularly the relationship with Jeff.

Jeff was also the youngest of three children with a four-year age gap between him and her next sibling his sister with his brother being six years older than him.

Jeff talked about how he looked up to his older siblings, but also felt like they were a unit or a group he could never really join, due to them being so much older than him. In a similar way to Dawn’s family, his older brother also fought a lot with his parents and there would be a lot of tension in home. Jeff tended to take himself away to his room and play on his own. He had the reputation in his family of being the relaxed calm one. However, this was producing in him a sense of feeling isolated and insecure.

In his childhood and his adult life his siblings seemed to hold a lot of power. In the runup to Jeffs wedding to Dawn, his sister expressed disapproval of Dawn and his brother who was to be his best man at the wedding pulled out at the last minute, refusing to attend the wedding.

Whilst working with Jeff, he became aware of how a combination of all his life experiences may have left him feeling on his own, that he has never achieved enough, he is not where he should be in his life and that this produced great feelings of shame and secrecy.

When we came back to working together there was a level of healing to hear Dawn and Jeff talk to each other about what they had learned about themselves. Also, how they had not been equipped as young people with a good model of what relationships could look like.

There were two poignant moments which came out of their conversations. I was commenting on how they had both come from family situations where they had experienced a high level of control, and this had halted some of their emotional development. Jeff then said, “Yes and I know that I control things all the time in our relationship.” This admission caused Dawn to respond by saying, “That means so much to me because I have felt that and become more aware of that, but I never thought you would own that.”

It was a privilege to witness such a healing moment for both of them.

The work we have done so far has helped them to have more honest conversations with each other.

The second poignant moment came when I was introducing the skill of reflective listening. I prompted Dawn to look at Jeff as she was conveying what she wanted to say. She then remarked “This feels so strange, we never really speak in this way, or look at each other when we speak”. It was a significant moment for them both as they recognised that they could start creating a new way of communicating.

As with every skill, like muscle memory, it takes repeated practice for powerful communication skills to become a part of our relational repertoire.

I am confident that Jeff and Dawn will continue to practice using skills they have learnt in the work we did together; and are committed to work hard to build a different level of relationship. I also believe that Dawn and Jeff although at times will experience difficulties, like all couples do, they are creating a foundation for a stronger much more honest and fulfilling relationship with each other.