
On the outside, everything seems OK. You have great family days out. The children are doing well at school. Beyond occasionally snapping at each other, you don’t argue and would probably describe each other as ‘best friends’. However on the inside, your relationship looks very different.
When you’re alone, you don’t really have much to say – beyond swapping lists of jobs to be done. You can’t remember the last time you had sex together and it probably felt more like another thing to tick of your ‘to-list’ than something passionate and truly connected.
If you stopped and thought about it, you’d probably agree that something was wrong but you’re too busy – the kids need picking up from a party – or you’re hoping that some future event, like the children reaching second school, is going to magically make everything better.
Sounds familiar? Welcome to the Zombie Marriage. It looks alive and well but for one, or maybe both partners, something has died. Just like zombies in the movies, these marriages can stagger on forever but they are also incredibly vulnerable.
Sandy, 45, and Peter, 46 were childhood sweethearts and beyond briefly splitting up with each other in their late teens have always been together. They have three children aged twenty, seventeen and fifteen.
“Everything should be great. We have a nice house, three beautiful children and we’ve reached the point where they don’t need us so much and we should have more time for each other. Except Peter is always working – he had a period of being unemployed and he’s terrified of it happening again – so I sort of understand. He has also been acting out of character, on our youngest daughter’s case about normal teenage stuff like being disrespectful, but I put it down to stress.”
However Sandy had to reassess when Peter left his phone on the kitchen worktop and their daughter noticed a flirty text coming in and alerted her.
“Peter got all defensive. She is just a “friend” and any way she’s older than him. And can’t he have friends? Of course he can but why has he never mentioned her before? Do friends call each other sweetheart? When I try and raise this stuff with Peter, he fobs me off: “it’s just banter”, apparently.”
Interestingly, it was not Peter’s text friend who sparked the couple seeking help but Sandy had a training day – for her job as a teaching assistant – and felt such a strong attraction to one of the tutor’s that it was completely overwhelming.
“He suggested going for a coffee and initially I said yes. Except, I’m a very moral person and it was against everything that I stood for. So I cancelled and told Peter.”
“I was in complete shock at how close both of us had come to having an affair,” said Peter. “We talked more that night than we have done in years.”
Fortunately, they had decided to seek help with me rather than brush things under the carpet and came out the other side with a stronger and better relationship. You can find out more about what helped later in this article.
Look through the list and see how many apply to you and then read through the list again and imagine answering as your husband. Afterwards look at my guide to interpreting your responses.
There’s plenty of family time but you never or hardly ever go out together without other couple friends. OK you’ll watch TV together and have a Valentine’s Day meal out but it feels more going through the motions than being truly romantic.
Being bored is a sure sign that you’re not putting enough energy into that part of your life. If you’re bored with your husband, it is probably that you’ve stopped being interested and imagine that you know everything about him.
When you do have sex it’s OK but it is more likely to be functional, brief and not particularly satisfying. Sometimes one or other of you will refuse sex to punish your partner or get your own way.
It is always easier to see what’s wrong with someone else’s relationship than your own. When you become pre-occupied with your friends’ marriage cracks, it’s a sure sign that you’re avoiding looking at something closer to home.
You think its nicer to avoid arguments but swallowing your differences means nothing comes up to the surface – where it can be solved. From time to time, the tension leaks out with snide comments or being short with each other but you can never get to the bottom of a problem – because one or both of you deny there’s anything wrong or even that you’re upset. There is more advice on communication in my book: I Love You But I’m Not In Love With You.
You have your system for doing things; your partner gets in the way, messes things up or causes arguments. Surely, life on your own would be less stressful?
It might have been a past affair, a large gambling debt, an argument where horrible things were said or there was pushing and shoving and despite trying to move on something is stopping you.
It might something relatively trivial (like what time your daughter has to get home) or long standing deep issues (for example he doesn’t like your mother) but you’ve stopped bringing them up because there’s no point. You just side-step each other and more and more go your own ways.
It could be a male work colleague with whom you can have a laugh or compare notes about your hopeless partners or an old boyfriend that you message on facebook who ‘really’ understands you. Instead of talking to your partner, you’re forging an ever closer bond with someone else.
Even if you haven’t said it, you’d instinctively understand someone who has. Basically, you still ‘like’ your partner but the passion has drained away and that feeling of being connected has gone.
When you’re not getting positive male energy from your husband, you’re more likely to gravitate to someone who will provide it – normally your eldest son. Meanwhile, you husband is doing the same with one of your daughters. If you don’t think you are too close or tell one of your children too much, ask yourself: What would my other child or children say? Do they complain that I always take my son’s side? If you can recognise your husband as falling into this trap, it is likely you’re doing the same (because it’s always easier to see this in someone else).
This is a sure sign that you’re dreaming of starting a fresh life away from your husband or that you feel controlled by him and a bit of ‘secret’ money would make things easier – either way answering yes means your relationship is in deep trouble,
At some point, you told yourself there is no point arguing any more and switched off completely. On the surface, everything seems better – especially to your husband who is likely to breath a sigh of relief. However, it is only a matter of time before you either ask for a divorce or cross the line into infidelity (which can be an even more painful way to end your marriage).
When answering for yourself… if you agreed with three of the signs, it is cause for concern but you are not in a Zombie Marriage. Four is on the cusp and five or more has you soundly in a Zombie Marriage (but you probably knew that already).
When answering for your husband… the threshold for a zombie marriage is much lower because you’ll be less aware of his unhappiness than your own, so every yes is more dangerous.
If you agree to two signs, it could be just a bad phase. (However, I would still be concerned if you only having infrequent sex because men use this as main yardstick for measuring the health of their relationship. My alarm bells really start ringing when one partner is withholding sex as this is the complete opposite of being loving.)
Saying yes to three statements is on the cusp and four plus is Zombie Marriage territory.
Find more advice in my book Can We Start Again Please? Twenty Questions To Fall Back In Love.
You can heal your relationship! Get out of the negative cycle, start to address forbidden topics and fall back in love again. My Best Relationship Tools is a new video-based course to watch on your own or with your partner.
With over 35 years helping couples and individuals make better relationships, I am the author of the international best-seller I Love You But I’m Not In Love With You and host the podcast The Meaningful Life. I lead a team of experienced therapists in the UK offering Relationship Counselling and have published a video-based course called My Best Relationship Tools.
© 2025 Andrew G. Marshall | Marshall Method Therapy Ltd is registered at Companies House 08871264 | Member of COSRT
As I cannot work with every couple who wants to see me, I have put my best techniques into a new video course. Understand why you are struggling to communicate – learn how to listen, build rapport and heal your relationship.