Relationship Advice

How to Argue Constructively

Arguing is extremely healthy in relationships - as long as you do it properly...

Arguing is extremely healthy in relationships, as long as you do it properly. In fact by becoming good at rows your partnership can survive anything.

The first step to effective arguments is understanding your fighting style and, perhaps even harder, owning up to your own bad arguing habits.

In this article, I will look at how to transform your fights from negative to positive.

Tactic: Blocking

Most likely to say

  • “I don’t want to talk about this.”
  • “Why are you always so angry?”
  • “Not that again, how will we ever move on if you’re obsessed with the past?”

Effect

Your partner remains Mr Nice. Calm and reasonable, while your hackles are so raised you could hang the washing on them! It all leaves you feeling guilty and unreasonable. In the worst cases, partners of ‘Blockers’ find themselves apologising for bringing their problems up in the first place.

Deal with it

Try the ABC approach:

  1. First Address his problem, and show him you understand: “I know you don’t like disagreements”
  2. Bridge: for example “but”
  3. Communicate: “I feel taken for granted when you…”

Tactic: Silence

Most likely to say

  • “Could you pass the butter?”

Effect

Your partner pulls their sulking and moodiness round them like a protective shell. They hope to avoid a row but actually just makes you angrier still. Of course nothing is resolved and the problems fester.

Deal with it

The temptation is to become angrier and angrier until you finally provoke a reaction. However once the argument is at fever point, it is impossible to solve anything. Find another way round, like writing a letter or alternatively bring your problem at a less emotionally charged time.

Many silent people are prepared to calmly discuss the issues, but their fear of spoiling a good time means they don’t take the opportunity.

Tactic: Dropping Bombs

Most likely to say

  • “You’re talking crap.” The A-Z of bad language, or they may decide a slammed door is worth a thousand words.

Effect

This normally happens after he or she has been blocking or silent and the simmering pressure cooker has finally exploded. Dropping Bombs is very aggressive and immediately puts you on the defensive. Afterwards your partner is ashamed; you both kiss and make up; both promise to try harder. For a while it’s better, until the whole cycle starts again.

Deal with it

The secret is to deal with the pinches of day to day life before they are saved up for a crunch. I call this ASK and TELL. When something minor happens do tell your partner you’re upset and if their nose seems out of joint ask.

This works best with the minor irritations. If it is too late and he’s dropping bombs. Try modelling the pleasant behaviour you’d like; being nice to somebody who is on the attack can often stop them dead in their tracks.

Tactic: Getting cruel and personal

Andrew G. Marshall My Husband is Angry With Me But He Had the Affair
Photo by asaf rovny on Unsplash

Most likely to say

  • “Just because you’re putting on weight, there’s no need to take it out on me.”
  • “What would we expect from somebody so stupid?”
  • “You’re just like your mother.”

Effect

This is perhaps the most devastating tactic. Your partner blames the insults on the heat of the moment, but you are left hurting for weeks and sometimes years afterwards. No wonder these couples are most vulnerable to divorce.

Deal with it

Don’t be tempted to trade insults, this just turns up the heat. However nobody should put with this, explain what you find offensive and walk away. There is no point trying to argue with somebody in this frame of mind and staying only condones unacceptable behaviour.

Tactic: Bad Timing

Most likely to say

  • “Could you turn down the TV, there’s something we need to discuss.”
  • “Could you stop washing the children and listen to me?”

Effect

You ask if you can discuss it later and your partner stomps off, shouting that you never listen. When you try and talk later, they sulk. For your partner this is often a win, win situation. They can blame you for not facing the problems, and at the same time not have to listen to you ‘go on.’

Deal with it

Most people are not as calculating at this tactic seems. They are simply not self-aware enough to understand all their deeper motivations. Try calling their bluff and listen. It will be worth missing ten minutes of your TV show and unless the children are very small they are unlikely to drown in the bath.

Tactic: Trying to solve problems on the spot

Most likely to say

  • “So what do you want me to do about it?”
  • “But it’s easy….all you have to do is…..”

Effect

You feel that you’re not being listened to and often your partner has no idea about the real problem. Worse still, sometimes you’re not looking for a solution but need a moan. Sadly some people think they have to solve problems, rather than talk round a problem and know a solution will emerge organically.

Deal with it

Listen to your partner’s solution, because they are trying to be helpful. Next explain that you’d like to talk more before making the final decision. Finally discuss the options together. This is called the three stage model of problem solving. You need to EXPLORE, then UNDERSTAND before finally moving to ACTION.

Tactic: Wild generalisations

Most likely to say

  • “You never pick up anything after yourself.”

Effect

Your partner immediately goes on the defensive, by listing the times they have, or alternatively shifts to attack mode. The row is turned into a tennis match with both of you trading insults

Deal with it

Be specific: “Would you mind clearing your papers off the table?” Try and take the word ‘never’ and ‘always’ out of your vocabulary. It takes a while to break the habit but it’s worth the effort. The results can be revolutionary.

Tactic: Assumed Telepathy

 Most Likely to Say

  • “I know you’ve always hated my mother.”

Effect

This tactic is normally used against the silent treatment. It can work in the short term, because it opens up communication, but also makes your partner very lazy. Why should they work out what they’re feeling, when you’re willing to fill the blanks?

Worse still, you can often be wrong and sometimes picking a fight when none is needed.

Deal with it

Instead of putting words into their mouth, ask questions. “Are you doing this because you hate my mother?” Follow it up with a more general question: Have you any idea why you’re behaving like this?”

Give them time to think, even if it means sitting in silence, and don’t move onto another topic.

Tactic: Emotional Old Scores

 Most Likely to Say

  • “And another thing, in the summer of ’93 you flirted outrageously with that buxom woman at the barbecue.”

Effect

These ‘Museum Tours’ makes it impossible to solve anything, because the argument is about a hundred things at a time. If by a miracle, resolution is on the horizon another old score is lobbed into the row.

Deal with it

Shift the focus onto a specific piece of future behaviour, rather than the past. For example: “at the party on Saturday, please don’t slow dance with….” Once issues begin to be faced, the temptation to dwell on old scores will pass.

Tactic: Crying/Blurting

 Most Likely to Say

  • “Now look what you’ve done…”
  • “You hate me”

Effect

Tears puts you on the defensive, sometimes your partner will be sympathetic and in the short term you feel better. However your anger is still there and the problems remain unsolved. If however, the tears are seen as weapons, your partner will become angry and the row escalates.

Deal with it

If you’re tearful, try voicing the feelings instead: “what you’ve said makes me tearful.” In this way you are stating your case rather being overwhelmed by unpleasant emotions. Practice the technique first in a less threatening environment, like when a friend upsets you.

Tactic: Nagging

 Most Likely to Say

  • “When are you finally going to get round to putting up that shelf?”

Effect

You feel terrible, your partner plays victim and both of you are completely exhausted. In the long term, it slowly sours the atmosphere in the home and eats away at love.

Deal with it

Nagging often happens because one partner is either unwilling or feels unable to say a direct no. They think it easier to agree and slip the project into their ‘I’ll get round to it someday’ file. Alternatively they could have under estimated the time needed but allowed you to assume it could be done quicker.

When one of you takes on a job, talk through what is involved. This gives you both a clear understanding of the time scale; and together you can agree when the job should be finished.

Finally, phrase a request so your partner can decline. This gives you the choice of doing it yourself, getting someone else in, or having a row (but at least the fight will be over quicker than the long-term guerrilla warfare of nagging.)

Tactic: Withholding favours

 Most Likely to Say

  • “If you think you’re going to get round me with a kiss, you’ve got another think coming.”

Effect

Normally this means a sex strike, but also includes cooking just for yourself and only doing your own laundry. It brings problems to a head, especially as most people imagine that while they are still having sex nothing is fundamentally wrong, but really this is a last ditch tactic.

Deal with it

This is a sneaky way of fighting. Instead of a being up front about what’s troubling you, the focus is shifted. Look deep into your heart and make a list of what makes you angry.

Take the smallest item on the list and focus on that first. If you have ‘gone off sex’ but consider your relationship generally happy, your body is probably telling you to think again.

Under these circumstances consider visiting psycho-sexual therapist – I have two on my team if you would like to make an appointment.

How to avoid the nothing changes scenario

  1. During an argument, it is easy to think of ourselves as innocent and our partner as guilty. Take responsibility for your half of the argument.
  2. Don’t try and aim to win an argument. Lasting change is brought about my compromise. So if he agrees to stop something which irritates you, make a deal and change something in return.
  3. Hear each other out. Don’t use the time he’s talking to rehearse your side of the argument and don’t interrupt, unless it is for a clarification. Some couples find it works best if they allow five uninterrupted minutes each. At the end, repeat back his main points. This will make him feel heard and understood. Then switch over.
  4. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Often we don’t give in, even though it is something we don’t really care about, in case it makes us feel generally weak. Keep your fights for the really important issues.
  5. Respect each other. You don’t have to agree, but unless you respect each other’s opinions the relationship is fundamentally flawed.

How NOT to argue

  • He really annoys you at a party by telling dirty jokes – once alone you explode: “You become such a ridiculous show off after a few drinks”.
  • He defends / attacks: “At least I’m amusing. You sat there the whole night with a gob on.”
  • It goes downhill from here as you each slip into your favourite “feud style”.

How to argue with a purpose

  • He annoys you. Don’t criticise. Tell him it made you feel: “I felt really embarrassed when you told that story.” This leaves no room for an argument. After all you are the expert on your feelings. An apology is more likely now than an attack.
  • Next, move onto what you want to happen. For example the joke topics you find offensive, and wish he’d rule out.
  • Negotiate: Perhaps there are things you do at parties that annoy him, which you could stop in return.
  • If you get stuck, swap roles. He has to argue your side, and you have to argue his side. This can be a real eye-opener.
  • We are often too willing to tell what we don’t like. So communicate the positive. For example: “I like the way you include me in conversations at parties.”

Seven Things You Want To Say To Your Partner

How to tell your partner difficult things without ruining your day. Here are my seven things that you’re tempted to say, the underlying problems and the most constructive way to approach your partner with them.
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