
Arguing is extremely healthy in relationships, as long as you do it properly. In fact by becoming good at rows your partnership can survive anything.
The first step to effective arguments is understanding your fighting style and, perhaps even harder, owning up to your own bad arguing habits.
In this article, I will look at how to transform your fights from negative to positive.
Your partner remains Mr Nice. Calm and reasonable, while your hackles are so raised you could hang the washing on them! It all leaves you feeling guilty and unreasonable. In the worst cases, partners of ‘Blockers’ find themselves apologising for bringing their problems up in the first place.
Try the ABC approach:
Your partner pulls their sulking and moodiness round them like a protective shell. They hope to avoid a row but actually just makes you angrier still. Of course nothing is resolved and the problems fester.
The temptation is to become angrier and angrier until you finally provoke a reaction. However once the argument is at fever point, it is impossible to solve anything. Find another way round, like writing a letter or alternatively bring your problem at a less emotionally charged time.
Many silent people are prepared to calmly discuss the issues, but their fear of spoiling a good time means they don’t take the opportunity.
This normally happens after he or she has been blocking or silent and the simmering pressure cooker has finally exploded. Dropping Bombs is very aggressive and immediately puts you on the defensive. Afterwards your partner is ashamed; you both kiss and make up; both promise to try harder. For a while it’s better, until the whole cycle starts again.
The secret is to deal with the pinches of day to day life before they are saved up for a crunch. I call this ASK and TELL. When something minor happens do tell your partner you’re upset and if their nose seems out of joint ask.
This works best with the minor irritations. If it is too late and he’s dropping bombs. Try modelling the pleasant behaviour you’d like; being nice to somebody who is on the attack can often stop them dead in their tracks.
This is perhaps the most devastating tactic. Your partner blames the insults on the heat of the moment, but you are left hurting for weeks and sometimes years afterwards. No wonder these couples are most vulnerable to divorce.
Don’t be tempted to trade insults, this just turns up the heat. However nobody should put with this, explain what you find offensive and walk away. There is no point trying to argue with somebody in this frame of mind and staying only condones unacceptable behaviour.
You ask if you can discuss it later and your partner stomps off, shouting that you never listen. When you try and talk later, they sulk. For your partner this is often a win, win situation. They can blame you for not facing the problems, and at the same time not have to listen to you ‘go on.’
Most people are not as calculating at this tactic seems. They are simply not self-aware enough to understand all their deeper motivations. Try calling their bluff and listen. It will be worth missing ten minutes of your TV show and unless the children are very small they are unlikely to drown in the bath.
You feel that you’re not being listened to and often your partner has no idea about the real problem. Worse still, sometimes you’re not looking for a solution but need a moan. Sadly some people think they have to solve problems, rather than talk round a problem and know a solution will emerge organically.
Listen to your partner’s solution, because they are trying to be helpful. Next explain that you’d like to talk more before making the final decision. Finally discuss the options together. This is called the three stage model of problem solving. You need to EXPLORE, then UNDERSTAND before finally moving to ACTION.
Your partner immediately goes on the defensive, by listing the times they have, or alternatively shifts to attack mode. The row is turned into a tennis match with both of you trading insults
Be specific: “Would you mind clearing your papers off the table?” Try and take the word ‘never’ and ‘always’ out of your vocabulary. It takes a while to break the habit but it’s worth the effort. The results can be revolutionary.
This tactic is normally used against the silent treatment. It can work in the short term, because it opens up communication, but also makes your partner very lazy. Why should they work out what they’re feeling, when you’re willing to fill the blanks?
Worse still, you can often be wrong and sometimes picking a fight when none is needed.
Instead of putting words into their mouth, ask questions. “Are you doing this because you hate my mother?” Follow it up with a more general question: Have you any idea why you’re behaving like this?”
Give them time to think, even if it means sitting in silence, and don’t move onto another topic.
These ‘Museum Tours’ makes it impossible to solve anything, because the argument is about a hundred things at a time. If by a miracle, resolution is on the horizon another old score is lobbed into the row.
Shift the focus onto a specific piece of future behaviour, rather than the past. For example: “at the party on Saturday, please don’t slow dance with….” Once issues begin to be faced, the temptation to dwell on old scores will pass.
Tears puts you on the defensive, sometimes your partner will be sympathetic and in the short term you feel better. However your anger is still there and the problems remain unsolved. If however, the tears are seen as weapons, your partner will become angry and the row escalates.
If you’re tearful, try voicing the feelings instead: “what you’ve said makes me tearful.” In this way you are stating your case rather being overwhelmed by unpleasant emotions. Practice the technique first in a less threatening environment, like when a friend upsets you.
You feel terrible, your partner plays victim and both of you are completely exhausted. In the long term, it slowly sours the atmosphere in the home and eats away at love.
Nagging often happens because one partner is either unwilling or feels unable to say a direct no. They think it easier to agree and slip the project into their ‘I’ll get round to it someday’ file. Alternatively they could have under estimated the time needed but allowed you to assume it could be done quicker.
When one of you takes on a job, talk through what is involved. This gives you both a clear understanding of the time scale; and together you can agree when the job should be finished.
Finally, phrase a request so your partner can decline. This gives you the choice of doing it yourself, getting someone else in, or having a row (but at least the fight will be over quicker than the long-term guerrilla warfare of nagging.)
Normally this means a sex strike, but also includes cooking just for yourself and only doing your own laundry. It brings problems to a head, especially as most people imagine that while they are still having sex nothing is fundamentally wrong, but really this is a last ditch tactic.
This is a sneaky way of fighting. Instead of a being up front about what’s troubling you, the focus is shifted. Look deep into your heart and make a list of what makes you angry.
Take the smallest item on the list and focus on that first. If you have ‘gone off sex’ but consider your relationship generally happy, your body is probably telling you to think again.
Under these circumstances consider visiting psycho-sexual therapist – I have two on my team if you would like to make an appointment.
You can heal your relationship! Get out of the negative cycle, start to address forbidden topics and fall back in love again. My Best Relationship Tools is a new video-based course to watch on your own or with your partner.
With over 35 years helping couples and individuals make better relationships, I am the author of the international best-seller I Love You But I’m Not In Love With You and host the podcast The Meaningful Life. I lead a team of experienced therapists in the UK offering Relationship Counselling and have published a video-based course called My Best Relationship Tools.
© 2025 Andrew G. Marshall | Marshall Method Therapy Ltd is registered at Companies House 08871264 | Member of COSRT
As I cannot work with every couple who wants to see me, I have put my best techniques into a new video course. Understand why you are struggling to communicate – learn how to listen, build rapport and heal your relationship.