You’d think that after an affair was discovered, your husband or wife would do everything to make amends.
You wouldn’t think he or she would be angry with you. However, as a marital therapist with thirty five years experience, I am afraid it is all too common.
So—how to deal with an ANGRY and dismissive partner?
“Affair Brain”
If this sounds familiar, you are probably dealing with someone with “Affair Brain”.
This is the rationalising, justification, minimising, compartmentalising, shutting-down of difficult topics which allows people to be unfaithful.
I call it how they cheated. You’d think when the affair bubble bursts – and they are found out – it would go but NO it takes a while to get out of the system. So what do you do?
Imagine that you are dealing with someone who is drunk. You don’t take too much notice of what they say – they are under the influence. You certainly don’t waste your breath arguing with them. Treat Affair Brain in a similar manner:
I have a different take on that.
If that’s how you feel, I’m sorry but I have another viewpoint.
Another tactic is to ask questions:
How is that going to work?
In love with the buzz
Remember—he or she loves the way the affair (or Adultery Partner aka AP) makes him or her feel. People who have affairs think they are in love—but they are in love with the buzz.
Former alcoholics say I thought I needed the drink. People on the other side of Affair Brain realise they thought they needed the AP, they had a special connection—but it was an illusion.
Here is a typical question about dealing with an angry husband:
Whenever I try and ask him about the affair, he says he feels like it’s a hostile interrogation. He’ll do anything to get out of the conversation, including making threats, and telling me there’s no hope for us.
My answer: How long does the questioning go on for? How far into discovery are you? It is probably natural at this stage in your recovery. But you can make it easier by agreeing to a fixed period beforehand – for example half an hour (and sticking to it).
If he feels claustrophobic, say OK. Offer a break for a cup of tea and come back to it. When the time is up, thank him and tell him what has been useful. In this way, he gets a reward and can see the benefit (even if he doesn’t feel it).
And another typical question about an angry husband:
He doesn’t want his actions “pulled to pieces”. How can I cope with that when I’ve got so many questions about what he’s done?
My answer: Ask him to explain what he means by “pulled to pieces”’? Explain what you are trying to achieve and ask him how he thinks the two of you can achieve that goal.
What next?
MsTree says
I thought I married a man who would never cheat. We almost made it, too. 42 years and then he has an affair. It was torture knowing he was having an affair and not being able to prove it. He knew I was suffering from the things I did find out yet he continued to see this woman. He’s never been one to say I love you, but he said it to her. Oh, the things he said to her have wounded me in my soul. There’s never a good time for an affair, but I had been sick, also raising our non-verbal autistic grandson, and my mother had died. I am sick in my soul, my heart is forever broken, and everything I ever believed in is dead. I have no interest in any of the things I did before. I can’t leave because I am dependant on him. I left my job to raise our grandson. I’ve suffered a lot of pain in my life, but this by far has been the worst, most long-lasting pain ever. I will never be the same. How he could do that to me is beyond my comprehension. A very selfish act. I’m trying to unlove him. I don’t believe he has stopped seeing this woman.
Andrew G. Marshall says
Your over whelming pain comes across in every sentence. So much so, that I want to beg you to see a therapist who can help you look at your options and find a way forward which is something other than simply enduring more pain.
Ellee says
Omgosh…
I could have written this post. For me, we’d been married over 20 years. It happened almost 4 years ago, and I am still suffering, daily. He has blamed me from the beginning! I want so badly to forgive, for myself if nothing else. I think him blaming me for his actions greatly decreased the chances of me being able to forgive and heal. After the first week and exactly 2 “sorry”s, he became silent and brooding. Then he refused to speak about anything “personal” and starts fights with me at any chance so he can escape and withdraw. I start therapy next week. I went through plenty of therapy: individual and couples. After 2 sessions, he refused to participate. He is emotionally abusive and pretty awful to me. He is committing financially infidelity as well and has for years. I too am ill and completely dependent on him. I feel this may be hopeless. It comes down to money at this point. If I could leave him, I would..I absolutely believe he would do it again. He’s NOT SORRY.
Andrew G. Marshall says
I think you should seriously consider finding a way to leave. This situation is not helping your health. He is unlikely to be happy if he thinks you are only interested in his money. Use your counselling to find the strength to look at what your options are. None of them will be easy but staying where you are sounds like hell.
Wei says
I actually know a lot of details about my husband’s affair but I will still from time to time ask embarrassing and very detailed questions. I normally ask these questions when I feel depressed and want to get them out of my system. He gets angry about these questions as he feels that the answers are not helping me to heal nor for us to move on. He keeps saying that it is over. He feels that I am torturing him from time to time by my questioning and sometime even threatens to leave.
I am just waiting for the day when I no longer need to ask such questions nor remind him of his affair. It has been a year since I first found out.
Andrew G. Marshall says
It is interesting that you ask these questions when you are depressed. Are there other things you could do? Speak to a friend? Do something nice? Start a journal and use it to find out what you really want. It is probably not the answer to a question but reassurance that he cares or that he ‘gets’ your pain or that he is truly sorry. So tell him… I am feeling down and I need a hug or I had a horrible trigger would you mind listening to it – nothing more, just listening (without getting defensive).
I have lots more concrete advice in my support group Andrew G. Marshall’s Infidelity Survival Training and Support Group
Jennet says
I am coming upto the 1st year anniversary if DD and getting very anxious everything is a constant trigger if that awful few weeks last year. I ve been reading your books listening to your podcasts much of it makes things more understandable. My problem is my husband won’t talk about the affair he says he’s answered my questions many times and he has . I do think we are making good progress inots of ways but it is the triggers that cause the problems. We have been married for 50 years and up until the affair which lasted a couple of years we seemed to have had a good marriage. I’m not making excused for him but we had so many things happen at that time I. E I had severe clinical idepression for . About 3 years, Death of elderly parents death of my younger sister, my sister in law defrauded us out of a lot of money and of course the other woman was supposed to be my friend. Talk about a perfect storm. Unfortunately for me I still think he has feelings for her and the intimate side of life is not very satisfactory pretty much non existent. Not sure where to go from here as I love him very much and I’m sure he loved me
Jacqueline Salazar says
my husband is messaging other women messager its been going on for about a year now he gets mad at me when I ask him about it and stops talking to me . what should I do we are both 53 years old .
Andrew G. Marshall says
Read my book ‘My husband doesn’t love me and he’s texting someone else’. It will help you understand what’s going on and your options going forward.
Janelle says
Here is something, one among many, I struggle with after the affair my husband had. I find myself having to put so much extra effort in my already busy life because of a choice he made. Things such as individual counseling, marriage counseling, learning the right words to use when questioning him about details and why so he doesn’t get upset, etc. It adds to the bitterness for me towards him. I feel he should be doing most of the heavy lifting to make this right not me. I will also say I’m surprised I cannot find one infidelity support group in my area. I would love to talk to different people to see how some make it work and others chose to move on
Andrew G. Marshall says
You are certainly not alone in feeling you are doing the heavy lifting of recovery. You could try an on-line support group to share your experiences and learn from others. I have one and I do a weekly Q and A. Today it is about the old issues and ghosts from the past which infidelity throws up. have a look at the details:Andrew G. Marshall’s Infidelity Survival Training and Support Group
MaRanda says
My husband had an affair in August. The woman he had an affair with is his friends ex girlfriend (the friend and her also have a child together). All I can think about now is the why’s and what if’s. He says they have no contact with each other. The affair only lasted for around 3 weeks. How can he even say what they had was real love?! Thats what I’m not understanding. How could he choose someone who he knows has a very bad reputation in our town over his wife of 15 years. I am constantly thinking about him and her together. I am seeing a therapist and he is seeing a therapist. He refuses to see one together.
He is also blaming me for the affair because I didn’t show him that I “desired or loved” him. I owned up to not going anywhere with him. I’m a home body. I would rather be at home with my kids than out partying or doing what ever. I just dont get how he can blame me …
Andrew G. Marshall says
He blames you because that’s what people in affairs do. We have to be the hero of our own life and that’s only possible when we do bad things if we feel that we were driven to it. If you want to know how he felt it was true love – in just three weeks – look into limerence (the crazy part of falling in love). I cover it in my book ‘I love you but I’m not in love’ and ‘My husband doesn’t love me and he’s texting someone else.’ You might also like to join my affair recovery groupInfidelity Support Group Plus Ideas to Help Your Recovery
Tracey says
My husband had an affair and I thought we moved past that only to find out he’s been texting her again.
I see signs of him wanting out of our marriage and it’s only getting worse but I think he’s afraid of the unexpected. The woman he’s having the affair with is very toxic. I’m not just saying that but I knew her before the affair. My husband has lost a lot of friends from his past affair with her.
I don’t understand how he can’t see how toxic she is. It’s like those two against me. she has also been stalking me at my job and home also through the internet.please help with some advice
Andrew G. Marshall says
He is in affair brain, so he will not be able to think straight. Deep down, he knows she is toxic but, in the moment, he reaches out to her because a) he feels guilty for upsetting her or b) he hopes a bit of attention for her will make him feel better. You can immediately see the problems in his logic – short term gain for long term pain. But he has probably being doing something similar for years and his issues have just built up and up. Sadly, you can’t sort his life out for him. He has to want to do that. As for her stalking behaviour, make a list of everything that she has done and go to the police to ask for their advice. They will tell you if it has reached a point where they can intervene. You might also like to consider joining my group…Infidelity Support Group Plus Ideas to Help Your Recovery
Yun says
I was 36 weeks pregnant when my husband came back from an overseas trip and told me he cheated. This was a girl that he had been speaking to online for a good 2 months prior behind my back. He told me that he loved her and he wants to leave the marriage.
I also found out that he cheated on me during our engagement with his colleague again on an overseas trip. He said it was a one-night stand.
He has been going overseas (Thailand) every weekend since I’ve given birth. And on the first weekend after I gave birth to our son the girl came over and he stayed out the whole weekend.
I also found out that he took 50k of my money and lost it via online gambling, due to his job stresses.
He has told me to give up our child for adoption. But at the same time, he’s angry that I changed the child’s name without his consent.
It hurts when he leaves the country every weekend to see the girl. Yet, I’m not sure how much longer his finances will hold out given he has credit card debt of 20k +, and his salary is only 2.5k. He has refused to contribute anything towards the upkeep of his child.
Even though he has done this to me, I still hope for reconciliation. But we are not even talking at this point in time.
Judicial separation papers have been signed. But after signing them he asked me out for lunch and then updated me on his new job. I don’t know what to think.
I’ve been seeing a psychologist for support post-partum. I’ve tried to get him to attend counseling but he has refused.
Initially he said he didn’t want the stress of marriage but he was alright with the marriage and this is his way of getting happiness without the stress. But after that he blamed me for not satisfying him emotionally and physically, my parents, the house mortgage for his cheating.
Andrew G. Marshall says
He is an addict and addicts lie and cheat. Look back over your message and beyond him being the father of your child, you have not given one single reason why you would want him back. Please do NOT overlook his addiction, even if he comes back, he has a HUGE problem that needs to be resolved and he has not taken even the first step. Sorry but gambling addiction is one of the biggest and most destructive of the addictions. DO NOT UNDER ESTIMATE IT.
Andrew G. Marshall says
Oh and as well as lying, they blame other people for their problems (and so do people having affairs)
Sam says
People should leave for affair patterns, any woman who stays with a cheater will get cheated on again. Tolerance begs repetition.
Sammy says
I found out my husbands sexting with another woman. I asked him about that text and he deleted it immediately. I freaked out. He got angry with me for freaking out. After a few days he somewhat calmed down but denied that message existed. I was not happy with him. Now he’s furious with me. He’s staying at our business ever since, a week. We own a popular store where almost everybody shops in our area. He’s telling me that “He can’t trust me” and cursing me. Didn’t want me to come to my own business. I’ve been sending him messages that I’m sorry to telling him harsh words. Asking for forgiveness and telling him I’m forgiving him, how much I love him, kids need their father, I want to pass this phase, we’ve been together for 14 years. Before the fight I worked at our store 75% of the week and solely took care of our kids. Last night when I went to check out our store he wasn’t there. Instead our employee was there after hours. Our employee was very rude to me. In the office pc his facebook message was open and I found out he was seeing another different woman last night 2 hours away.
Andrew G. Marshall says
Your husband is doing classic cover up material. He is going on the attack to cover his tracks and blaming you (for discovering part of the truth). I know it is hard but try and keep calm, imagine yourself like a detective, find out what is really going on, Don’t back down. Keep at it. He will try and persuade you that you are going mad but he has an affair brain (and is the problem not you).
John says
Yet again, as is all too evident in almost each and every single one of the Andrew G. Marshall web posts/pages….it is “husband affair….wife betrayed”…………how about you change it for what, in most cases, it actually is….i.e. “spouse/partner affair…….spouse/partner betrayed” ?
I appreciate that it is mostly women who are the ones who wish to talk more openly and post comments on webpages etc but do you seriously suppose that affairs are essentially confined to men / married men and exclusively betrayed women…” If not, then why not be neutral and impartial in your use of words?
As a man who is the betrayed NOT the unfaithful, I find your stereotypical and inaccurate anti-male assumption of male (mostly husband) cheating / adultery as offensive as can be.
I would more than welcome a one: one dialogue with you on this subject if you wish.
I will be interested to see if you have the “courage” to allow this comment to be posted and / or to respond either via the webpages or to my email address
Andrew G. Marshall says
I am happy to post your comments. I listen to all feedback – even if it is negative (as long as there is no swearing and general put downs). If you read my books, you will find that they are all gender neutral. I have a new book out called ‘Why did I cheat’ which is for the unfaithful partner and it does not assume this is a man. It is the same with my other books How can I ever trust you again and I can’t get over my partners affair. In my infidelity support group, there are both betrayed men and women. So why do some of my posts suggest otherwise. I am afraid it is the tyranny of google. I have to call my posts what people put into google. They are more likely to write ‘my husband cheated’ rather than ‘my partner cheated’. I do have posts for men whose wives have been unfaithful: https://andrewgmarshall.com/how-do-i-forget-that-my-wife-slept-with-another-man/ There are others like ‘My wife is having an affair should I tell his wife’
Having said all that, it must be really frustrating that so much of the material on the internet suggests that men unfaithful and women put upon. I know it is hard for the men in my support group that they are in the minority. Have a look at my books – because I promise I try to be as gender neutral as possible. If there is a topic – which you feel men need particular help – which isn’t covered elsewhere, I would be happy to address it.
John says
Andrew
Am sure you do not wish this comments thread to become a dialogue between us but I would like to thank you for taking the time and, since I mentioned it, the “courage” to allow this comment to be posted and to respond, and, as a result, the benefit to me, and maybe to other men as well and to make the point that your books are gender neutral (a point I should have acknowledged in my post) and the reasoning for this article(Google posting). Mea culpa. Was having a bad day and I thank you for your response. Very much appreciated
Theresa Humphry says
I can’t understand how my husband of 42 years would continue an affair, lie about it, after I forgave him when I found out. I gave up because he won’t stop lying, keeps seeing this woman, and badmouths me to her. He even showed her letters I had written to him. It was painful enough that he is having an affair, but to share my insecurities and letters with her is more than I can bear. I am left alone to raise our special needs grandson and I think he is about as low down and worthless as they come to do this me and this child. He had the chance to stop it. He knew what the stakes were, and just flat didn’t care. I’m broken into pieces but, I’ll be okay.
Andrew G. Marshall says
I wonder how much of his behaviour is down to the other woman’s influence? However, I agree to you, it seems heartless and cruel to share private letters. Sorry to read your story. I understand why you’re broken but I wish you strength for your recovery (and looking after your grandson).
Leoheart says
I also man going through this, he tells everyone about me n makes me out to be a crazy addict. So when I finally spoke to the other women they kept asking if they needed to call someone who can help me mentally. It is so degrading. I don’t know what to do?
Andrew G. Marshall says
When someone does not want to look at their own behaviour, the easiest defence is to blame someone else. So your husband tells himself you are an addict and that makes it OK for him to have an affair. However, you need to stop and ask yourself if you are doing the same thing. Not looking at your own behaviour (with drugs, drink etc) because you are busy focusing on his faults -of which there are many. So what should you do? If he is so keen to be this woman, I would tell him to go to her. With a calmer atmosphere at home, you will have time to think whether this ‘crazy’ addict business is his fabrication or whether you have stuff to address yourself.
Marvin Gray says
It seems like all women are Chester’s but I know their are a lot of good women out there I guess it’s just me that caused them to cheat on me but the way they do it was mean and meant to hurt me deep
Andrew G. Marshall says
Thanks for pointing out that all the posts revolve around the problems of women discovering their husband’s infidelity. I will write something for men but it will help if you provide some first hand experiences of what is different being a man discovering an affair.
Nita says
My husband recently had a mental nervous breakdown after 13 years of marriage. It came out he had an affair two years ago. We lived in an apartment for about 8 months and during that time, he ran around the building, flirting with everyone, we argued constantly and he acted like a wild teenage boy, although it was a rough patch and we quickly move away from there and he quickly returned back to 36 years old and I assumed it was some itch or midlife crisis. I assumed he would have never cheated on me. The doctor says he breakdown was a stress induced breakdown from an three time affair he had with a homeless recovering meth addict in the building, even while on her period, while I worked two jobs, when he was suppose to be a stay at home dad watching our small children. Our sex, communication and everything stopped during this time and he constantly gave her my information to protect her from me and I quote, I knew nothing. She would call me names at my daughter bus stop and pick so much I went and filed a police report. Now to find out they had an affair, my husband is trying to repair the marriage he says but he is also stating I should let it go as it has been two years and he doesn’t know any of her info. Not even her last name. I feel as long as he is protecting her and not by my side we can’t go forward in repairing the marriage. Am I wrong? I am upset that he knows my brother died of Aids and I am a healthcare workers and now have to get std tested for aids, hep c etc. Which he says is no issue but he admitted having unprotected sex with her on period anally. I asked for her last name and he has refused to even give me that in protecting her but claims he is not. He has given her my money, my household supplies, left my children unattended, and made my 6 yr old hold door open for her and her kids. Now he is having intermittent explosive psychosis from guilt of the affair and heaving voices, high pitch frequency and still protecting her. I was raised family stick together, he says he is trying to be honest to heal the relationship but if you don’t put it all on table how do we heal. Let me mention he contacted her twice after we moved and promised he wouldn’t a year ago August last time.
Andrew G. Marshall says
It sounds like you are overwhelmed at the moment, children, work, stress and a husband who is having a breakdown and on top of ALL that to discover it has been triggered by an affair he had – that’s quite a cherry on the top of the cake. What support are you getting? Where can you unload? I am also concerned about whether you are getting enough support as a couple – I can hear the arguments seeping into your letter. My final observation is it sounds like you have a lot of details – the type of sex and your 6 year old holding open the door. My guess is that you have been asking for all of these? Perhaps you hoped knoqwing everything would help? But what impact has it had. Has it helped? Has it just put the two of you at each other’s throats? What could you both do differently?