Relationship Advice
My Husband is Angry With Me But He Had the Affair
How to deal with an angry and dismissive partner
You would think that after an affair was discovered, your husband or wife would do everything to make amends.
You would not think he or she would be angry with YOU. However, as a marital therapist with thirty-five years experience, I am afraid this is all too common.
So…how to deal with an ANGRY and dismissive partner?
- By Andrew G. Marshall
- Relationship Advice
“Affair Brain”
If this sounds familiar, you are probably dealing with someone with “Affair Brain”.
This is the rationalising, justification, minimising, compartmentalising, shutting-down of difficult topics which allows people to be unfaithful.
I call it “how they cheated”. You’d think when the affair bubble bursts – and they are found out – it would go, but NO, it takes a while to get out of the system. So what do you do?
Imagine that you are dealing with someone who is drunk. You don’t take too much notice of what they say: they are under the influence. You certainly don’t waste your breath arguing with them.
Rather than getting sucked into raging arguments, try statements like: “I have a different take on that” or “If that’s how you feel, I’m sorry, but I have another viewpoint”.
Another tactic is to ask questions: “How is that going to work?”
In love with the buzz
Remember – your partner loves the way the affair (or Adultery Partner aka AP) makes him or her feel.
People who have affairs think they are in love: but they are almost always in love with the buzz, not with a person.
Former alcoholics say “I thought I needed the drink”. People on the other side of Affair Brain realise they thought they needed the AP; that they had a special connection; but that this was ultimately an illusion.
So, how CAN you start talking about the affair?
Liz, 39, is typical of spouses grappling with an unfaithful partner’s anger (all names and identifying features have been changed). Liz told me:
“Whenever I try and ask Matt about the affair, he says he feels like it’s a hostile interrogation. He’ll do anything to get out of the conversation, including making threats, and telling me there’s no hope for us”.
This is typical of couples in the earlier stages after discovery. Like Matt, your partner is likely still caught up in Affair Brain, and may still be too irrational to conduct a normal conversation.
There are some practical strategies you can use, though, so that you get to ask questions, and your partner is able to cope to some degree. Try agreeing to a fixed period: “we will talk about this for half an hour”.
If your partner says they feel claustrophobic, offer a break for a cup of tea, and then come back to it.
Liz also reported that Matt told her he hated having his actions “pulled to pieces” – another common complaint from an angry unfaithful partner. From Liz’s perspective, this was deeply upsetting, as she felt tormented by the constant questions circulating in her mind about the affair.
A good starting point is to ask your partner exactly what they mean by “pulled to pieces” or “dissected” (or whichever defensive phrase they use!). Explain what you are trying to achieve and ask him how he thinks the two of you can achieve that goal.
When the agreed half hour is up, thank your partner and tell them what has been useful. In this way, they get a reward and can see the benefit (even if they don’t yet feel it). You’ve also laid down a template for more productive conversations as your partner emerges from the fog.
I have written a book for unfaithful spouses to help them understand their behaviour and engage with their partner. It’s called Why Did I Cheat? Help Your Partner (and Yourself) Recover from Your Affair.
My partner says I’m torturing her with questions - what can I do?
My client Ravi, 37, told me that he asked his wife Anita endless questions about her 2-month long affair with her boss (which happened a year ago). Anita had accused him of “torturing her”, and had told him that the answers were not helping them heal or move on. She had threatened to leave, as she had expressed remorse many times, and was starting to think she would never be forgiven.
Ravi admitted that he asked these questions when he felt depressed: he felt it “got them out of his system”. He knew all the practical details of the affair, and could see that the questions were increasingly repetitive. He WANTED to stop asking, but did not know how.
If you are in Ravi’s situation, conversations about the affair do not need to stop. After all, Anita’s affair had happened just a year ago, and there was plenty of healing still to do.
However, when you are further into the recovery process and are both on board with rebuilding the marriage, you may need to look at how well your conversations are serving you. Use the boundaries I suggested above – plan a 30 minute conversation at a time that suits both of you – rather than starting another round of questions when you’re feeling low.
Of course, you will be feeling low sometimes, and scenes from your partner’s affair will likely still be playing out in your head. When that happens, write a list of things you could do instead of starting another round of questioning your partner. Possibilities include speaking to a good friend, or treating yourself somehow.
I very highly recommend starting a journal – this will help you see what it is you are really looking for. It is probably NOT an answer to a question about a detail of the affair that you really want; it’s some reassurance that your partner cares, that they ‘get’ your pain, and that they are truly sorry.
So tell them: “I am feeling down and I need a hug” or “I had a horrible trigger, would you mind listening to it? Nothing more, just listening”.
If your partner is claiming that the spark between the two of you is gone, or never existed, I recommend you read my book I Love You But I’m Not in Love With You.
My husband says I’m to blame for the affair because he felt unloved - is it really my fault?
My client Christina, aged 30, said that her husband Brendan was refusing to see a couple’s therapist with her, and had told her that the affair (which lasted three weeks and ended a month ago) was her fault.
He said that Christina did not desire or love him, had put the children first over his needs, had refused to go out with him to parties and had not had sex as often as he wished. Brendan claimed his affair with a mutual friend’s wife had been “real love”.
Christina felt anxious because she knew that there was truth in some of the issues Brendan had identified. She did prefer to stay home, whilst he was unusually social, and she had often been exhausted by looking after young children. Their sex life was, she agreed, unsatisfactory.
I told Christina that Brendan was blaming her because THAT’S WHAT UNFAITHFUL PARTNERS DO. Humans need to be the heroes of our own lives, and so we have to explain the bad things we do by claiming that we are driven to do them by irresistible forces like “true love”, or by the failings of others (enter Christina).
Brendan may have had complaints about the relationship, but there were MANY other paths he could have taken to address them.
She had the affair, I’m doing all the work - how is this fair?
Keiran, 37, wrote to me because he was fed up. He’d reached a point many betrayed spouses get to: he was doing all the repair work, whilst his wife Nancy remained disengaged, uncooperative and volatile.
Keiran said “I’m having to put in hours of extra work because of a stupid choice Nancy made. I’m doing individual counselling and we are in couples counselling. I’m going to ridiculous lengths to ask her questions using the right words so she doesn’t get upset. I just feel so bitter. She should be doing the heavy lifting, not me”.
If you’re in Keiran’s position, you need to reflect on your sphere of control. Nancy’s behaviour is painful and unfair, but it is outside Keiran’s control.
What Keiran CAN do is work on his own healing – how can he rebuild his sense of self and his purpose in life after the betrayal? This can be a life-enriching project, which does not need a spouse’s buy-in.
In terms of the relationship, Keiran can reflect on what is the minimum he needs from Nancy at this point to remain in the relationship – at this stage, this might be attendance at couples counselling and a conversation at a certain time each week. After three months of this, he can reassess.
In many cases, the unfaithful partner witnesses the increased self-sufficiency and the personal growth of their partner, and feels a powerful change in dynamic. The space you’ve created by pulling back may give them the room to re-engage.
My partner has had an affair, and also has an addiction - what can I do?
Many of the unfaithful partners who remain stuck in anger at their spouse are in the grip of two addictions – the affair, plus something else.
Some of my saddest cases have involved partners trying desperately to salvage a relationship, usually with children in the mix, without realising that there was an unknown second front in their battle: usually an alcohol or a gambling addiction.
People in the throes of a serious addiction will inevitably lie and cheat. They will also tend to blame everyone else for their problems (just like people who have affairs).
If your partner is an addict, they need to resolve that before either of you attempt to work on your relationship with any chance of success. Your partner’s infidelity will be tangled inextricably with their other addictive behaviour, and there’s no chance of overcoming one without the other.
It’s been years and my partner is STILL angry - what’s left for us to try?
Traci, 44, wrote to me because Dan, her unfaithful husband (to whom she’d been married for 20 years) was continuing to blame her for his affair after four years of attempted repair. Traci wanted to forgive Dan, as she felt she wasn’t in a position to leave the relationship, but recognised that his actions were preventing forgiveness or healing.
Dan had continued a pattern of behaviour where he rebuffed conversation by becoming silent and brooding, but also escalated disagreements quickly, facilitating his escape and withdrawal.
Affair recovery takes a long time, whether or not you wish to save your marriage. If you do commit to rebuilding together, you should expect a painful process that takes years rather than months.
HOWEVER – if, like Traci and Dan, there has been no progress, or things are worsening after you’ve made significant and sustained attempts at repair, you need to take stock.
You’ve probably tried couples counselling; so now might be the time to find individual support. Get legal advice so that you can plan your exit from the relationship, if necessary.
Please find support to leave rather than staying in a relationship that gives you no quality of life, and which may be tipping into emotional abuse.
What next?
Seven Things You Want To Say To Your Partner
How to tell your partner difficult things without ruining your day. Here are my seven things that you’re tempted to say, the underlying problems and the most constructive way to approach your partner with them.
If you’re looking to learn more about infidelity recovery, take a look at my library of books on the subject.
You may also be interested in listening to my podcast interview with therapist Dr Caroline Madden on How to Recover From Infidelity or with infidelity bloggers Lisa Arends and Helen Tower on Lessons from my Recovery.
Share this Post
