You’ve had an affair and you’ve confessed or been found out. You’re trying to save your marriage but you keep getting stuck on one question. It comes up over and over again: why? Your partner wants you to answer: why did I cheat?
You could easily be asking yourself the same question because it will shed light on what to do next and stop talks about the affair, going round and round in circles. Unfortunately, it can seem there is no adequate answer and trying to answer “why did I cheat” just makes your partner angrier.
The problem is you’re probably answering the question in one of the five worst ways…
1. I don’t know
This could well be true. You never thought you’d be the sort of man or woman who would cheat. When you look back and realise all the stupid mistakes you made, it seems so out of character that you don’t recognise yourself. So it’s true, you don’t know why.
What your partner will be thinking: This simply is not good enough. My partner has destroyed my self-confidence and peace of mind, our marriage and our children’s future and he or she is stonewalling. There must be something to cause this much carnage.
It is either that he or she is still in love with the affair partner or he or she doesn’t care enough to tell me the truth, or probably both.
2. I needed an ego boost
You’ve had a hard time recently, you lost your job but didn’t handle it very well or there’s been family problems which have really pulled you down. Perhaps your partner has been tied up with the kids or with work and you’ve felt neglected and therefore vulnerable to flattery.
This answer might be part of the overall picture that sparked affair but it’s going to make your partner very angry.
What your partner will be thinking: Don’t you think I would like some flattery and attention too? Instead I’ve been made to feel like a piece of dirt that you’ve walked all over.
Worse still, what’s going to happen the next time you’ve got a problem and the next flatterer comes along? And actually I don’t think I want to be with someone who puts their interests about everybody else’s.
3. I was unhappy
The two of you haven’t been getting on very well. When you stop and think about it, you haven’t been happy for years. You felt nagged, taken for granted and ignored. The sex was dull or non-existent. All of this could well be true but your partner will feel you are blaming him or her.
What your partner will be thinking: You’re making unfair comparisons between me and your affair partner. How can I compete with something shiny and new when we’ve been married for years? And why is it my job to make you happy?
I did my best to be a good husband or wife and this is the payment I get. What’s more… this is just an excuse, you could have told me about the unhappiness and we would have done something about it.
4. For goodness sake
Getting angry might not be your first response to “why did I cheat”, you are patient for what feels like hours but eventually you get frustrated, snap and says things you regret. You might apologise and beg for forgiveness but the damage is done.
What your partner will be thinking: This is proof that he is she doesn’t care about my feelings. It proves that he or she is not really sorry. Nothing is going to change and I need to get out of this marriage.
5. We need to move on
In your logical brain, you’ve been through this before—hundreds of times. It’s making your partner upset. You feel full of shame. You’ve said you’re sorry and promised it won’t happen again.
Doesn’t it make sense to put things behind you and move on? However, your rational response will trigger a very emotional one from your husband or wife.
What your partner will be thinking: My partner is trying to sweep everything under the carpet, he or she is not taking responsibility for his or her behaviour and what’s to stop it happening again?
Furthermore, I’m stuck with all these painful feelings and rather than dealing with them as a team, I’m having to cope on my own.
I wouldn’t be surprised if you’ve fallen into all these traps – it goes with the territory. Fortunately, I have five positive responses to ‘why did I cheat’ in this video and a new book called ‘Why did I cheat: Help your partner (and yourself) recover from your affair.
For more advice look at my books How Can I Ever Trust You Again?’ and I Can’t Get Over My Partner’s Affair’.
I cheated on my husband of 5 years together for 7, two months ago. It was a one night stand. I did know the man but I had no intention of it going any further. I have been struggling to understand how I could cause all this heartache without thinking beforehand.
I couldn’t live with myself and i confessed 2 days later. He was shocked and thought we were going ok and didn’t see it coming. We have a very up abd down relationship with some major communication issues. I had even told him after a few drinks one night that i felt strange because i had a crush on another man and i never have had one since being with him. He didnt say much and claimed to not remember the conversation.
I read your book how can i ever trust you again, which i found extremely helpful to be able to know what he is going through and also to help me understand a bit about why i did it. I beleive it was a cry for help affair.
I am seeing a psychologist to help me work through my own issues. I have asked him to come with me to a marriage counsellor. He says therr is no point and that we are over. But its been 2 months we are still living together with our 3yr old. Everything is how it usually is with finances and parenting and we were having sex for the first month but have stopped that as it is confusing. I want to work on our issues because i believe we ccan get back to the old happy us. He doesnt know how to trust me again. Ive told him i would never do this again. I wouldnt want to cause this hurt or put anyone through this again. He says he still loves me but its over. I’m just trying to give him space. Its all very confusing. I really never thought i was capable of doing this. But i did want to thank you. Your book was helpful and although he wont read it at the moment hopefully in time he will.
I caught my husband having an emotional affair. We’ve fought, he insisted they’re only friends yet he wouldn’t give her up, blamed me and why can’t I just share? I asked for divorce, but he didn’t want me to do it yet. He gave her up. It came up on our fights that he was lonely, and that he wanted to experience dating other women since he missed out being with me right out of college. He’s married to me yet he wants to look. I’m confuse. This wasn’t the usual reason you discussed. Any ideas to go forward? This is his second affair. The first was sexual but we were not married yet.
If your partner wants to date other women and be single (and he is not ready to be married), I don’t see a way forward. Especially after he has already had an affair! He has learnt nothing from that experience. So my question to you: what is stopping you from leaving him? What allows you to accept him treating you badly not once but twice and staying even though he is showing no remorse or real desire to change? Did you have a father who was unreliable or a cheat? Is history repeating itself?
these are all the answers my husband has used so i have showed him and he says so what are the answers then ?
Perhaps you should both read by latest book ‘Why did I cheat? How to help your partner (and yourself) recover from your affair. It could prompt a useful discussion between the two of you.