It’s hard to get over an affair but what if your husband cheated and had a child?
A Reader Writes…
It seems like you’ll never be able to put things behind you because there’s a permanent reminder of his infidelity.
My husband’s mistress had a baby 4 months ago and I am struggling to cope with this as well as the knowledge that the affair had been going on since 2004. We are trying to stay together but I don’t know how to cope with there being a baby. He sees her once a week but the affair is over (so he says). I am trying not to nag but I feel very angry a lot of the time and want to say nasty things to punish him and there always seems to be an atmosphere at the weekend when the visit is due. I don’t know what to do to try and cope with the situation and move forward – help!
Andrew Replies…
When I did my training, the advice we were given for dealing with a child being born from an affair was straightforward. The husband should either have no contact (just the basic legal and financial commitments) or the wife is fully involved and the baby is integrated into the family (just like a child from a previous marriage).
Unfortunately, they didn’t tell us that both options are incredibly difficult and fraught with pitfalls. Fortunately, I’ve counselled several couples in this position, I can explain the pluses and negatives of each option and if you know what’s likely to go wrong, you won’t feel such a failure when it inevitably happens and forewarned is always forearmed.
No contact
At first sight if you’re in the ‘my husband cheated and had a child’ dilemma, this looks perfect. There’s a clean break and that’s got to be best for your marriage. It also concrete proof that you’re his number one priority. However, there are five key pitfalls.
- Your husband will be full of shame and guilt for ‘letting down his baby’ and this will be played on by the mistress. I know he should also be feeling shame and guilt for letting you down but, in his mind, by staying with you he’s doing the right thing.
- Your husband wants to save your marriage and will agree to anything. At the time, he will say ‘no contact’ and mean it but he’s got all this guilt and shame and now he’s had time to reflect he’s wondering if the second option would be better. He doesn’t dare to say anything in case there’s more tears and anger, so that bring me to point three.
- Your husband is likely to lie. This is not because he’s a bad man but because lying is the only way to keep two people happy (his mistress and you) and he’s spent months and possibly years doing just that. He’s in the habit of solving an immediate crisis by promising the moon and stars (to both of you) but that just puts of the evil moment until you discover the secret texts, new email account, following her on twitter, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.
- Your husband needs to mourn. Perhaps he’s already met the baby and bonded or perhaps he needs to mourn the idea of being involved in the baby’s life. Unfortunately, mourning involves a lot of thinking about the baby and many men mistake that for a sign that he ‘should’ be involved with the child. In a weak moment, it’s easy to assuage the guilt by sending a text to enquire about the baby’s health (and not feel such a monster – at least until you find out about it).
- You will get angry and threaten to end the relationship. A couple of days later, you will feel sorry and take back everything – you were tired or it was in the aftermath of finding another text. Unfortunately, it reinforces his doubts about whether it’s possible to save the marriage and encourages him to keep his options open (and check out her facebook page).
Integrated into the family
If you’re in the ‘my husband cheated and had a child’ dilemma, this option has compassion for the child who is ‘innocent’ and if you’re truly involved – and seeing all the emails etcetera – you know he’s not going behind your back and you can begin to rebuild trust. However, there are five key pitfalls:
- His mistress had a baby to ‘win’ your husband. In her mind, full of magical thinking, if he holds his baby in his hands the ‘scales will fall from his eyes’ and he will ‘know’ that he should be with her. In other words, she’s not just looking for a father for her child but a husband too.
- He can’t have a relationship with the baby without a relationship with the mother. With an older child, you can phone them and check when you should pick them up at the weekend (and they can ask their mum if that suits). With a small baby, access will always involve seeing the mother and she is extremely unlikely to pass the baby over to the father and let him take it out of her sight. She is even less likely to let his wife be part of this access – because mistresses see the wife as a witch (or how can else can they seek to destroy her marriage.)
- The mistress needs to be mature and put the interests of the baby first. I would like to think this is going to happen but sadly true adults don’t put all their faith in magical thinking. It’s also easy to imagine the best interest of the baby are the same as her best interests. So the mistress tells herself it would be best for her baby to have a full-time father (because that’s what she wants) so helping you save your marriage by co-operating over access is highly unlikely.
- Your husband is still going to lie. He wants to keep everybody sweet so he tells white lies – like he’s only going to call into the 1st birthday party for half an hour – but has already agreed to be help clear up afterwards.
- Everybody needs to be a great communicator to make it work. Sadly your husband is a people pleaser (and says what will keep other people happy). That’s why he didn’t speak up about his unhappiness or that he didn’t agree about something (to keep the peace) and ended up being tempted by an affair. You’re angry, hurt and resentful and that doesn’t make for good communication either. Finally, the mistress probably has an unspoken agenda and will say one thing but do another.
Five tips for solving this dilemma
I wouldn’t be surprised if you’re full of despair but it is possible to find a way forward – if only slowly and with lots of good communication. Here’s my five best tips (from the coal face of trying to make ‘my husband cheated and had a child’ work in the real world).
- It is natural to get angry. So please don’t beat yourself up if your good intentions slip. It’s fine to report your anger – ‘I’m angry with you because…’ but not to say ‘nasty things to punish him’, or generally take it out on your husband. I know I’m asking a lot but that’s why you need to seek personal counselling to help you recover from the shock and mourn the loss of the ‘great’ husband that you though you had and accept the ‘doing his best under difficult circumstances’ husband.
- Don’t indulge in magical thinking. It’s easy to think ‘if he stops contacting her’ everything will be fine or to believe ‘if he truly loved me, he wouldn’t….’ In reality, he might be slowly but surely giving up on contacting her or slipped up with another white lie – because it takes time to break bad habits. In addition, it is possible to love you and want to know how the baby is doing. I would also counsel against the magical thinking that ‘divorce will make me feel better.’ Of course divorce is an option – and one some people choose – but don’t expect it to make everything better. Your husband will still be torn between two families and all the poor communication and lies will still be there (but you’ll have less influence over him). You’ll probably still be angry but for different reasons.
- Don’t set arbitrary tests. The most common one is ‘any contact behind my back and that’s the end’. However, contact does not have to be a setback. I was counselling a couple where he did meet-up with the mistress for a drink. She was angry, of course, but she was calm – and more resigned than anything. It helped that he told her about it (although a few weeks afterwards). Under these circumstances, they were able to talk properly (because he didn’t get defensive) and see the situation for what it really was a set back rather than the end of the world. Ultimately, it made the man start to think ‘what did I see about her in the first place.’
- Break the future into manageable chunks. If you focus on getting through the next few months that seems possible, if you start thinking about forever that’s when it gets too much and you’ll both start to catastrophise. In addition, there will probably need to be different solutions when the child is different ages. The mistress will probably have given up her fantasy of a full-time father (and might have married someone else) and you will feel differently too. So any solution, at this point, is going to be a temporary one.
- Keep talking. Although it seems like you’re staring into a black abyss, if you keep talking you will find chinks of light. It helps if you don’t let every argument become about the baby, especially if it’s really about leaving the top off the orange juice and it spilling all over the kitchen floor. In addition, talking (and listening) will help you improve your communication skills and that’s an asset whatever happens.
There’s more advice in two of my books How Can I Ever Trust You Again? and My Husband Doesn’t Love Me and He’s Texting Someone Else.
Please post your comments below, especially if you have experience with this dilemma and something that might benefit someone else going through this journey.
jane says
I’m so sorry that you’re in this devastating situation – I’ve been there myself and the child (whom I’ve met and played with) now of school age. It is so tough and a very lonely place I know. But I am so impressed that you have reached out for help so soon. I waited because I felt humiliated and a failure but things finally improved when I was able to confide in a couple of trusted and non-judgmental friends and when I started counselling too as this really helped me. I began to be able to understand why and how we had got into this mess and I am now a much stronger person and have reached a place where I no longer feel the pain of it all – although of course there are moments when I do. In fact, I can honestly say that this crisis has become a (totally!) unwanted opportunity to make important changes in my life which have benefited not only me but my family. But it does take a long, long time and these are such early days remember…you have made a great start by reaching out for help…
Rukayat says
Same issues is happening to me right here, after 5 years of marriage with two kids I realised my husband had two kids before my marriage but not legally married to the woman, I don’t know what to do next am seriously in a bad mood over one month now, and this man still want me to pregnant without having a good plan with my own future, have stopped a lot of things in the home, we quarrel everyday, every member of the family is begging that I should let but I keep saying what happened he did not inform anything before our marriage why now. Help me oook how can I cope with such hubby and still want me to get pregnant again and later in the future they with start different issues when they I will have no where to go with like 3 or 4 kids. What can I do womanhood?
Anita says
What makes you so important? How can you claim to love a man, yet make demands that he abandon his child for you? If you can’t deal with the child, then you need to bow out. Keeping him from his child is wrong on so many levels.
Andrew G Marshall says
It sounds like you are talking from personal experience. Did someone keep your father away from you?
Liz says
There’s only one choice and that’s to be an adult and take care of the child. It’s nothing but selfish for the woman to keep her husband away and the man has no integrity if he abandons his child. What woman would want a worthless piece of crap that got a woman pregnant and bailed on his responsibilities? How could a woman be so self absorbed that she’d chose her needs over a babies and would stand by and let a man do one of the most unmanly cowardliness act on the planet.
Andrew G. Marshall says
That is a fair point but I wonder where you are coming from on this debate. Are you the mother of a child born during an affair? If so, it would be great to hear more from you so the people posting on this page to hear and understand your viewpoint.
Lossed says
I’m the mother of a four-year-old child with a married man of course I did not know he was married at the time but we had been sleeping together almost 6 years when I found out I was pregnant I came to him and told him I was pregnant and he very solemnly told me that was not part of the plan I told him what do you mean not part of the plan he said I am married I’m having 11 year old daughter I have no intentions of leaving my wife but I’ve fallen in love with you I told him how could you not tell me you were married I never would have been with you if if I knew you had been married he said I’m sorry by this time I love him so much but I cannot think of the idea I have another woman sleeping with my boyfriend or sharing him with anyone for that matter so when he went home I called him up end of the relationship I told him I could not be part of a love triangle but it would be all or nothing for me because now we are have a baby to think about he chose to stay with his wife for the sake of his daughter so I broke up with him and stayed away from him for four years he recently contacted me again we begin sleeping together again this time I’m so in love with him even though I know he’s married now I can’t control myself my son knows that he is his father but he has to call him by his first name to save the marriage my lover tells me he loved me for many years he cannot control his love for me any longer but it’s right and never find out about us and his daughter can never find out that she is a sibling to my son I don’t know what to do
Andrew G. Marshall says
I find it difficult to understand why your lover decided to dig up all the pain after it seemed to have healed for you. I have to say he sounds incredibly selfish. He lies to you, to gain your sexual favours. He did not listen to you when you said, I don’t want to be part of a love triangle. He uses ‘love’ as his cover but he is hurting a lot of people and sorry his daughter will find out one day (that’s the nature of these events). His wife will be devastated. So far, I count four lives he is playing with (yours, your son, his wife, his daughter)…. it’s not a pretty picture.
Vanity says
There seems to be a lot of compassion coming from making this man take full responsibility and not being a coward and that this female is self absorbed but that’s just one side of the story; think about how this woman feels and even how this father feels he might look at his kid and think about what horrible mistake they are and how he hurt the one tru love and by feeling like this may no longer want to see those kids because in the first place he begged the woman for an abortion but she refused and instead of taking child support this woman is running around trying to get these kids to be to around the family and invite the family to parties when the family do not know her and has a relationship with his wife. I feel like In situations like these you call out the wife as being evil but what U need to do is call out the affair that was done under a moment of pleasure and lust that led to a crazy person who only knew this man for four months making the poorest decision to be a mother just cause she probably more than likely was damaged before.
How dare you look towards the wife as being self absorbed; the wife was always vested and if that man choose that route because of guilt that’s something he has to live with for the rest of his life.
Andrew G. Marshall says
I would never accuse someone of being self-absorbed. My position is to try and understand where someone is coming from. Next, I ask them to imagine where their partner might be coming from. If I didn@t get this balance right in my reply, I apologise. As you can imagine, this topic brings a lot of strong feelings to the surface and I try to listen to all of them.
Latisha says
I slept with a married man. He was a provider I worked for. I roomed his patients and assisted with medical procedures. I was going through a divorce after 18 years. He invited me to his house one night and I went. We slept together. I transferred to another clinic because I felt uncomfortable. We continued to sleep together on and off for 2 yrs. I was told by him that he and his wife were separated and in their way to a divorce. The last time I was at his house he had family pictures on the kitchen counter I asked about them and he said they did it for the kids. I left thinking he was lieing and had decided to not see him anymore. I found out I was pregnant a month later. He was notified of the pregnancy and he said it wasn’t his because I must have been sleeping around and he said I could “ kill it, give it away, or raise it by myself” and that he was happily married. I found myself alone and pregnant. I invited my ex husband over for dinner to tell him and he was shocked but after a few weeks he said he would be there for me if I needed him and that he would support me in my decision whatever that was. I chose to have my baby. My ex was there for every appointment and he was by my side during my labor and was the first person to hold my son. He cried and said how beautiful he was. We moved in together when I was 6 months pregnant and we are still living together with our kids and my son. I was unable to return to my job because I had slept with a provider. He ended up getting to keep his job and now has pictures of his family at his desk and wears a wedding ring. I got a part time job and raise my son with my ex husband for now. I did get in contact with the father and we paid for a dna test and he came out to be the father. I asked for him to financially support his child and he said if I can’t financially support my son alone then his wife will quit her job and raise my son. He has only brought a few things for him and told me to get the state to fund things like medical and daycare. I then went to child support and had him served. We just finished our second dna test and are now doing the financial paperwork for child support and medical. At the end of the day I am a single mom. I really hope my ex and I can work it out and hopefully get married again, but I am not sure. I hope that my ex will adopt my son, but I am not sure. I really hope his wife calls me names and says my son isn’t welcome and they just pay child support and I can go on with my life and hope that my ex and I work out. We both love my son very much and my ex has been supporting him since before birth. He is more of a father figure to my son. I do feel sorry for his wife and there kids, but they had problems long before I was ever in the picture. I’m sure he had many women before and after me. I don’t know if I will ever tell my son the truth if my ex and I work out. It might be possible when he’s an adult. In the end his bio dad really wanted nothing to do with him and made me go to the state just to make him be accountable to. If I re marry I would ask him to let my ex adopt him. He at least has been an amazing father figure to this cute little guy!
Kay says
I bet you have never found yourself in that situation. That’s why you are judging that person. I used to think like that, but now I’m in that situation. It’s the worst kind of pain of betrayal. You will never understand, unless you’ve been through it.
Dena Sullens says
Yes it is but the Man said he was paying child support then I found out not for that child but another baby so he had 2 plus the daughter we have together . And if not for my family she would do without he can’t afford 3
Cassidy says
Have you been threw this yourself? Married with children and truly love him and want to make it work? Wel I have and you’re ignoarnt and judging by the perspective of whats expected from a father in a perfect world…honey this world is not perfect and neither was my husband a year ago! This is a hard choice to make but I’ve tried being her friend, helping her, loving the child, and welcoming them into my life so my husband could have a part in his life! BIG FUCKING MISTAKE! Every mistress(homewreckin whore) smiles and plays along and you give a who’re an Inch she will always take a mile! Even a beaten with a kick to the head didn’t set her straight! And as difficult as it is to live with the guilt of abandonment or expecting him to do so wouldn’t be necessary if the made the right decisions in th first place! So in all reality I, or we wouldn’t have to make this decision to begin with if it wasn’t for hers to begin having unprotected sex with a married man with a family already. And a women near 40 is well aware of her period range and fertility days on a calender! So let’s point the finger all around! In the end for any marriage to work unless you take the ki and raise it within your marriage with no contact to the whore, either way one parent can’t be involved or the marriage is in constant disarray! Third option is discourse! And I truly believe the man I fell in love with fucked up but our love will never die. his initial commitment was to me, our marriage, and our children. As long as we are trying to live past this together that’s where his loyalty should remain! It was a mistake but we were here first. He owes us! He will pay child support but that’s all he owes her! She can pound sand!
Andrew G. Marshall says
The pain comes through in every word of your post. I send best wishes and hope your discourses are productive.
Nena says
It’s not always the woman fault man lied, essentially he was married to you and he owns you respect and loyalty he suppose to protect you from pain and stds not the woman! I hope this woman never let her baby come near this person shes making everyone else responsible except her for being weak and stay and make excuses for the husband so sad
Cynthia says
I would really like to speak weith you and your experience. I can honestly, relate to your situation. I don’t know who else to talk to. As a wife, mother, daughter and sister no-one understands. How hard it is to take such an action because it’s in my nature to forgive and believe no-one is perfect.
Glenda says
I would like to speak with u! I’m going through this and it’s so hard!
Prudence says
I am also, it is so hard now m selfish person because i dont wamt the child, i jave to be the one now who has to tel my husband what i want, how should we handle the baby issue but if he ddnt sleep around i was not goingto be in this sitiation, it hurts a lot
Loren says
The baby is his responsibility if the wife can’t handle that ..GET A DIVORCE. Paying child support is NOT the only thing he is responsible for that child deserves a father like your children. Point blank period. Ya’ll women sound bitter and pitiful on this thread. You want to force a child to go without a parent because you weren’t fulfilling your duties as a wife. NO MA’AM
Glenda says
Are u going thru something like this? Because I’m sorry but if ur not I don’t even know why u would be on this thread. And everyone is speaking from their situation/experience. It sounds like ur the “side” one whose child doesn’t have a father; which is why ur commenting the way ur commenting. Before Speaking ur opinion everyone’s situation is different. Some of these guys don’t even want to be with the other woman it was just a “mistake”.
Latisha says
Wow. Hateful aren’t we. “Mistake” well that “mistake” made a child, a living , breathing human being. I find it sad that you would say this about the situation. I was the “other woman” and I had a child. My son was blessed to have a dad before he was born a man that stepped up to love, raise, and be there for a child that was left fatherless because he was married and my child was a “mistake” to him and his wife. I could fathom the heartache your going through, but someday when my child is old enough he will hopefully have nothing to do with his biological dad since he said “ kill it, give it away, or raise it by yourself”
I am hoping that his biological dad spends the rest of his life in guilt and shame for disregarding a human being like he was nothing but trash. While a REAL man raises and innocent, living, and happy child.
To me the only thing worse then a deadbeat dad is a wife that supports it. This time is a baby, next time maybe another or and STD . That’s the man/ boy you married.
Seberah says
Exactly ….the othe women would understand that bc she wants to believe her own perception.man and women think differently so the other will always think that’s not the case or what not but it really be the mistake now if he keeps dealing with her that’s a different story man prove how they feel when they make you the Priority
Eddie says
Well I was in a situation where it was two women in a relationship and they wanted to have a baby and asked me to be the sperm donor and I did it and after they separated the birth mother came after me for child support my wife found out and ruined my marriage
Di says
Loren, your suggestion that women are not fulfilling their ‘duties’ as wives (and that they thereby somehow ‘deserve’ to have been cheated on) is truly horrible. Why are you even on here with such an attitude?
Jeannie Jones says
100 percent right i found out my 17 yr partner has a 2yr old little boy and he also
just found out in may and he didnt tell me i am 35 the homewreacker is 25 and she was like a little sis i helped her drive her around and it was a stap
b in the back by both of tjem i know as a woman i was very attentive to our own new babie that i wasnt paying him any attebtion at the time still no reason to cheat but he did they had a month of cheating and then she told him she was pregnet and it wasnt his as i been told and stopped all contact she had also stopped all contact with me too fastforward to now i am trying to fiqure this all out myself so she told me in a bar in front of a ton of ppl hey i have something you can never give your husband a baby boy like wtf there was 3 men alreafy ready to grab me so i went home and freaked out he still yet to apologize to me he has said at that point it didnt matter who it was point he needed some kind of attention and he dudnt want a babie but hes hear now,so it has now been 3 months he has been on our couch sleeping since all of this came out whitch has made me feel unatractive and unwanted he has stated its not about having sex with me something i been wanting more than anything or some kind of closeness to make me feel ok but i am not getting that right now we neen going on everyday like its normal but for last month in a half when sunday roles around i wake in a bad mood cause it is his day he takes our 2 girls 4rold and 13 yrold tp play with his new 2 yr old son i resent this but know the man i loved or love would never turn his back on one of his own kids and nor would i expect that from him but i am not included in this at all he also goes to her moms house where she luves and hangs out with them i dont know what to do i am at a loss i am affraid to say to much cause i say alot of things that i regret afyer but again i believe deep down he still loves me and hes not messing with her he keeps telling me he isnt but at this point i dont know what i should do or feel ,i also been a stay at home mom for last 13 yrs and i feel so lost i have started in finding a job so i can focus on myself and 2 girls oh i forgot to mention that we wanted a boy so bad that it killed me we had 2 girls and him also he was so devastated that he didnt have a boy and i cant have more kids but he lives his girls more that life now just imagine that feeling as a woman not having a boy and as i say to him you gave some young girl what i wanted but i am trying to reframe from being so negative seeing how i still want to be with him i just dont know if i should invest anymore time in someine who isint tfying to helo me move on with him or make me a part of this little boys life weather she wants me to or not again sorry i needed to put it all out there it helos some times
Vanity says
This response is to Loren: wtf do you mean by bitter and not fulfilling responsibilities as a wife? You had to be the mistress because you can be a good wife got a great career having sex with your husband and maybe it can be the mans insecurity he prob feels like he needs to do better with his life and get a better job and so he goes out and cheat, how is this wife bitter? Please tell me? She’s hurt And betrayed that’s all and those kids are innocent but they was made by the poor decision of their mom. She knew he had a wife she knew he wanted to be with his family and she was just a fling but no she don’t want to be a fling, she brought these kids into the world because she wanted love something that he saw that man give to his wife and kids. Time spent with family and she wanted that for herself. I’m tired of everyone coming down on the wife for the man to accept those kids, he’s battling with even accepting them because he don’t even know that woman who went ahead and brought kids in the world in the span of 4 months meeting a man, how dare you act like the wife is evil. That man and the mistress is evil and got some imbalance that needs fixing; their both damage. That woman should file for child support if need be and move on with her life and find a great step dad to those kids because that’s what happens when u forgot your role you was playing when you interfered with a relationship knowing damn well that man had children and a wife. Go Your way.
You want someone to play an emotional role to your kids when they got this by betraying someone else and his kids. That mans psyche is damaged and he did this to himself. So before you bash that damn wife, she’s innocent too just as much as the kids. It’s the harlot and the bastard of a man that must self reflect in the mirror. You got the nerve to say that maybe if this woman was fulfilling her roles as a wife in the household then maybe this won’t happen. I’m not sure the longest relationship you ever been in but when you been with someone for 25 years, that wife will always be hurt when looking at those kids and will need therapy not to say she gon try to kill them let’s be realistic here but damn have some sympathy for the wife. This can be happening also when God wants to reveal that persons worth, bad things happen to good people only to make them stronger and gain true happiness at the end of the road.
Patty says
Cassidy you spoke my mind. This is really painful. Yes it happend to me, i was the last person to find out.i was thinking i had it all, the best husband and all. Just few weeks after our wedding he started cheating and got this almost 40year old ugly fooled woman pregnant and didnt tell me until 2years later when i had my own first child for him she came to my instagram page commenting how the my child looks just like her child she had for my husbandand all. Its a long sad story. Its over two years i found out and i still cant get pass this hurt. I pray i dont do something bad to either of them. I need help because i dont want to go jail because she keeps sending messages picy6ures of her child and threats to me, and my home front aint any better. My husband and i fight over these all the time he is not remorseful and just said Its a mistake and will be glad if we divorce.. i am a medical doctor and I am 29years old now with two children . that tramp didnt even complete high school and she has 4 children for 4 different fathers. Why would a man impregnate another woman just few months after he marries his wife. Its sad, i can go on and on . Some men are just wicked and those whores out there will do anything to get them.
Joanne K says
I am currently in the same boat as most of the women here. That lady knew that my husband was a married man as they are work colleagues and yet continue to have an affair with him and proceeded to get pregnant despite supposedly being on birth control. I highly suspect she did that to force his hand to leave me and to get him to marry her. I gave him the ultimatum that he either picks her and her unborn child or me and the kids. Either or. No two ways about it. I know some may call me cruel for punishing an innocent child but me and my 3 kids are also innnocent in this whole charade. I don’t mind him having a relationship with the other child and I even suggested we adopt that baby as I have a problem with the mother (OW/AP) but not the baby but she refused. I just had the idea of him having any contact with her and if he needs to check up on the baby, she will use the baby as a pawn to get him. Hence, I’ve made it clear he can always pick her and I will not deny him any relationship with the other kid once born but he just cannot he with me, with me by his side as his wife. This is because he mentioned he loves the OW as well. I have at one point given my consent for him to be with her when he confessed and during that point she was ecstatic that they will be a family. She rubbed it into my face then but eventually he dumped her and came back to me, supposedly because he loves me more than her. I think at the end of it all, it takes someone with a very big heart and loads of faith in God to do what is right in this messed up situation. I am just hoping I am a good Christian enough to weather it all. As for those mistresses who decided to go ahead with an affair despite knowing he was married and got pregnant on purpose, you are a price of work and the only person I feel sprry for is the innocent unborn baby who have to suffer for the sins of their parents. And I cannot feel sprry for you if you single handedly screwed up your child’s life , denying him/ her of a whole family unit all on your own because you do not have the decency to walk away from the get go and close those damn legs.
Latisha says
I just wanted to add. Did the woman herself single handily ruin a child’s life? Or does your husband play a big part in abandoning a child and you support this child being fatherless? I find that selfish. Would you then i courage your husband to sign over his rights to a child he abandoned to give that child and amazing father who stepped up to love, protect, nurture, and be there for this child on a daily basis or would you be selfish and not allow it? I feel it takes two and if the father abandons the child I feel he should have no problem telling a judge he doesn’t want to be a part of the child’s life and allow a real man to raise the child. I also want to add that most men wait years and live with guilt and shame and reach out when the child is much older and I find that selfish to. If a man abandons a child he should leave the child well enough alone and wait for the child to contact which in some cases is never and in some cases they reach out and the child wants nothing to do with a father that abandons them.
Tracy says
I am with u on this I just found out my husband is the after to a 3mos old baby I gave him either me or the baby I don’t care if I am being selfish they were selfish and didn’t think about my feelings when he was cheating and she was well aware of me… So I am with u on this
Tess says
I am in a situation where my husband and I lost our infant baby at 21 days old. I was 39 at the time and then as few years ago when I was 45 my husband decided to cheat on me with a younger woman who has been around the block several times. In the course of their affair I lost my dad and they continued to sneak around. Then she got pregnant knowing how much pain he was suffering from us loosing our baby. As much as I told her to leave our family alone she refused and continued with her pornstyle affair with my husband. Now two years later he wants to know if its actually his child and if it is he wants to be part of her life. I am still hurting but also dont want to see a child go without knowing her dad. My heart is weak because of my son we lost. I dont know what to do. I wish this never happened but it has. I know if I open the door to welcoming this child into our lives this whore will take advantage of my kind heart and forgiving soul.
Me says
I sure can relate to your story- it’s sound creepily like my own only my husband’s mistress was supposedly my “friend”. She knew full well he was married- had regular access into my home and our 5 children. I welcomed her and her 4 into my family and treated them better than someone I was related to. Now there’s 2 illegitimate children involved and the wonderful father and husband I had, is a small sad miserable man who’s paying dearly for the mistake of getting emotionally involved with a diabolical sneaky unscrupulous woman…
Oh lawwd says
Wait, so it’s her fault he didn’t wear a condom? . Another woman blaming the other woman. I think you should advocate for all men to become sterilized at the time they produce sperm and then get unsterlized when they get into a committed relationship with a woman they would like to procreate with. The after done making babies go back to getting sterilized so that when he cheats because it so “ natural and accepting” that that woman doesn’t carry his children because “ she should make him wear a condom because birth control should solely be the responsibilities of the other woman and not the married man because he “ makes mistakes “ and “ should be forgiven” and “ it’s all her fault” it’s just what “ men do”
Andrew G. Marshall says
I will certainly suggest that men who have affairs should wear condoms (and that they shouldn’t cheat either and talk to their wives about their issues rather than other women). But I might as well howl at the moon… so the question is when someone has fathered a child, what next?
Ohhh lawwd says
Leave. He is about to have a child. That child will grow up and know that the wife is the person that took their father away. This husband/ or lack there of, cheated. He CHOOSE to cheat. Not only cheat but no wear a condom. As a wife, you can hang on,learn to budget your family financiers as now there is a child to support. Your children are robbed of extra income because dad fathered a child with someone. You can fight for visitation and get it, but always think about your husband and her and how now you have to be on point with your husband so he doesn’t cheat again all while taking care of your kids and working. It’s just to much and after about 5-6 years of dealing. With it you learn to blame the husband. In thr beginning its easier ti balme a stranger for wrecking uour marriage and blame her for having a child as an extortion of money, but once the dust settles and you look at it for what it is yoir vision is clearer and you leave, because deep down you know you deserve better and you are worth so much more then what you settled for. So leave. Collect your thi gs, children, yourhouse and wish that man well wishes with his new baby moma and there child. Find yourself and then you will find a good man.
Jenn says
Hi Cassidy – I’m now going through this same exact thing. Thank f you dint mind me asking how did it work out? This is extremely raw to me right now and I love my husband this was a total punch in the gut to me. My first instinct was divorce him but my heart is thinking otherwise. It would be great to connect just for some advice. I have 3 kids and they’re going to be devastated when they find out.
Period/Facts! says
Gotta know the next persons “truth”. If your children’s father cheated & had another child with that person. How do you cooarent (him) or be mature (her) when the person he cheated comes with drama, stipulations, problems for his current wife all because regardless of what it is, its not what she truely wants which is ro break up a happy home “perminantly” for her own benifit? Like serious police play, curent kids & family members involved? Like, that would make it extremely hard especially if he doesn’t deal with the situation maturely.
Andrew G. Marshall says
It is hard to co-parent with a man who is a woman who comes with drama. You can’t control him and you certainly can’t control her. The only thing that you do have control over is YOUR behaviour. You don’t have to fall for their tricks. Think of yourself as a fish happily swimming along the stream, just because they dangle a big juicy worm in front of you, you don’t have to take the bait, you don’t have to swallow the hook.
Jessica says
I too am in this situation and I like this advice. I have been judged for accepting this.
Andrew G Marshall says
How have you been judged?
Lost says
I JUST found this same thing happen to me. The baby is about 3 days old. Sadly, the mother passed away… I swear I have no answers. I’m trying to let it sink in. Just … Don’t know. I’m definitely angry while mourning. I sure do abhor this happened. Other hand, I’ve bent over backwards. Always stabbed…
Rosemarie Bonheur says
Am in this right now and my husband is lying so much and it is really getting to me because he is lying and am not talking seems as if he is happy so the subject won’t come up and am sick off looking at him for what he did too me and the girls.
Confused says
I found out a few days ago that my husband has been having an affair and has a daughter with this other women. He has been living 2 lives for 4 years. It hurts so much, my heart is saying stay with him but my brain is telling me different. When I found out, he said that he was planning on leaving me because he has been unhappy for so long. But he says as soon as he said that he felt something different. He is also very confused, says that he wanted to leave but has a feeling in his heart telling him to stay. He doesn’t know what it is and wants time apart (living a his parents) to figure things out. We have been together 19 years, high school sweet hearts. I can not stop thinking of this and its driving me crazy. I’m cry so much! We also have two children together.
Andrew G Marshall says
The most important thing to do is to keep calm and take time to review the situation. You are under a huge shock and that’s the worst time to make big decisions. I think it would be helpful to understand why your husband became unhappy and detatched. Don’t worry it is just as much about him as you! Have a look at my book ‘My husband doesn’t love me and he’s texting someone else’ and ‘How can I ever trust you again’ – which looks at affairs, why they happen and how to recover. Finally, he might like to look at the new video on my you tube site: Torn between my wife and my lover. Good luck.
Eddie says
I apologize for what it is you’re going through I’m going through the same thing with my wife I had a child he’s 9 years old and to this day she beats me up over it and I’m still here with her trying to make things work but during the time I Have Become verbally abusive name-calling and disrespectful and in return she has begun lying speaking to other men accepting gifts money from other men and tells me there is no affair I think she’s purposely trying to break my heart instead of just letting me go and now that she has broken my heart and degraded my manhood and made me feel lower than dirt she’s accomplished everything she wanted to do to hurt me now she wants to divorce me and the child is 9 years old at the beginning she accepted the child and accepted me as her husband I took it upon myself not to have contact with them I do pay child support and I do call him and check on him because he does have his own cell phone but my wife still is deceitful and lying and not she wants to divorce and she secretly has been going out of town and secretly planning a move behind my back and I just found out this really hurts
Hani P says
She deserves a standing ovation. She’s a legend.
Married for life says
My husband and I seperated. 5 years ago. It would be a straight forward divorce, simple. But no or has filed. I love him and want marriage back, but the neighbor homewrecker has him wrapped and now has his 3 month old baby. He doesn’t communicate with me at all. But I would so love to have the love of my life back. I just wonder if I ever cross his mind. I’m giving it a few more months maybe six, then let it go. Enough hurt is enough!!!!!
ScaredConfused says
I just found out that my husband had an affair. It lasted 2 months. She is pregnant. I cannot have children. We are trying to reconcile, but he is so torn up. He will of course want to be a father to the baby. But I am not sure he can separate those feelings from the mother of his child. I’m scared to try and work through this situation. I don’t know if he is strong enough. Part of me wants to stay and part of me wants to go. He says he wants to try, but he is scared as well. Any advice would help.
Andrew G Marshall says
It takes a long time to recover from something so devastating and you’ll need help. Find a good therapist who will listen and allow the two of you to talk everything through. Don’t forget there is a third part to this triangle. Not only does he need to separate his feelings for the child from his feelings for the woman but is she preparted to do the same by detaching her emotions towards him?
Hurt says
Prayer, that’s all I can do. I miss my marriage so bad. My husband was my best friend
Ohhh lawwd says
Your best friend? Best friends don’t cheat. They choose to cheat. You obviously didn’t realize your “marriage” or lack there was having problems and he choose to cheat and not wear protection and now has a child. You can stay fight for visitation, but in the end you my friend are the reason why that child doesn’t have his/ her father full time. He choose to have a family when he laid down with out protection with another woman. Men think “ am I ready for a family” when lying down with no protection with a woman an boy thinks “ I’m not wearing protection and it’s all her fault if she gets pregnant” you married a boy, a coward if he abandons his child even if he just pays child support. Now you have to tell your family and child( ten) if you share them where this cute innocent child came from. You don’t have a best friend and quite honestly a husband either. I would leave I’ve been there and it took 5 yrs and I was done. He can have that woman he deserves her. I can do better and find my soul mate. F**k that cheating douche who ruined our marriage.
Brenda says
In the same shoes! I can’t have children and I’m 65 yrs old. Not married; but, we are living together. He has picked out a female friend to have his baby. He is 52 years old with zero children. He wants to have the child to carry the family name. But in the mean time he has to pregnate this person and take care of her until the baby is born and we will raise the child. It has me in a state of depression!
Andrew G. Marshall says
It is natural to be sad, upset and angry about this situation. However, depression often comes when you feel stuck and unable to move (ie: I have no choices beyond putting up with this) or anger is turned inwards (ie: I wasn’t good enough or I let him down or even I deserve this). If it is either of these, you need to see a counsellor because you do have options (although they are not nice) and his infidelity is mainly about him and his lacks rather than you.
Hani says
You need to leave. He is about to have a family and you will not be in the immediate triangle. His doubts of slipping up are your warning signs. Move on and spare yourself the heartache. He will love the mother even more once he bonds, they bond over their creation. Best wishes and I am truly sorry this has happened.
marisela Roman says
I just found out that my husband of 10 year has a baby 2 month old with his mistress. He tells me that he dose not have any feeling for the other woman and that is was a huge mistake. He tells me that he loves me and that I’m the world to him we also have 2 children together. Help I need help I don’t know what to do I feel so much pain.
Andrew G Marshall says
You most certainly need help and quick. This is the toughest of all the marriage problems we see but talking does help. If you live in the UK, look at booking a session with one of my team or if too far from London or abroad, having a skype session. However, it will take time and a lot of work to turn this round but it does not have to be a disaster.
Hani says
Leave. Leave now
Tracy says
I need help too..i have been with my husband for 13 years now there is a baby I am mad and heart broken at the same time
Shekeke says
I know how you feel. I recently found out my husband has a three year old daughter. Our bay is right years old. I am so devastated and confused. Sometimes I think I can do this to stepan side and let him have a relationship with her, but this is killing me inside. I feel like she is stealing my life in so many words
She and I share the same Birthday as if that’s not a constant reminder.
les says
I need help!!!! I open a letter from the Attorney general yesterday and found out that my husband has a little boy who was born 8 months after my last child, don’t know what to do. …
Andrew G Marshall says
I know it is really distressing but it is important to keep calm and ask questions, and then more question and more questions. When you have a better idea what’s been happening, you’ll have a better idea how to react. But remember you’re in shock – deep shock – and that’s not the best to time to make long term decisions (like we can save this marriage or we’re doomed).
hurt&scorned says
HELP HELP my husband cheated with this young girl she claim pregnant by him word around town is he’s not the only one he want a blood test .We been married for 10 years 15 altogether i love kids but that baby is not welcome to our house what about our 4 kids feelings I want to leave but its hard so confused hurt sad,stressed out.
Andrew G Marshall says
First of all take a deep breath, this young girl CLAIMS she is pregnant but she might just be saying this to bring the affair to the surface and to try and break up your marriage. Next, you don’t know if your husband is the father. I would inisit on a blood test. While all this is happening, you need to think long and hard. You also need to listen to what your husband has got to say – without getting too upset at the time (because your tears will make him close up or try and soothe you and you won’t get the full story about how he’s feeling). So don’t make any quick decisions, get support and take your time to make a decision about what to do.
Jessica says
My husband just confess and said he slept with this women once and found out he could be a father to this 6 month old,I don’t know what to believe.
Andrew G Marshall says
Don’t believe him or her! He has to earn your trust. So ask more questions about the affair so you can begin to understand what happened. (I’m sorry but I think it unlikely that they only ‘slept together’ once – maybe intercourse only once but I’m sure there was lots more sexual activity.) I would also want a paternity test too if she is asking for financial or emotional support from your husband. Please look at my book ‘How can I ver trust you again’ because it explains the stages of recovery and you’re at stage one (shock) and you need to go through the next one (intense questioning) before you’ll be ready to make an informed choice.
Sad and Confused says
My boyfriend of 5 years cheated on me and the woman he cheated with had a baby. I want to stay with him and rebuild our family but it’s hard. Neither of them are actually sure if he is the dad but the woman refuses to take a DNA test, yet she insists that he help her. Because there is a possibility that he’s the dad he doesn’t want to completely shut her out. I on the other believe that’s exactly what he should do until she decides to take a test. We have our own children to worry about. I feel as though she doesn’t want to take a test because she knows he isn’t the dad but she still wants to be able to have contact with him. My heart says stick it out. I love him. But my brain says GO! I don’t know what to do.
Andrew G Marshall says
I’m afraid I agree with you. If she is not prepared to co-operate over a paternity test, I don’t understand why your husband should co-operate with her. If he doesn’t want to ‘shut’ her out, that’s fine (because there is no point being unnecessarily antagonistic). I would suggest polite but firm. For example: ‘Thanks for getting in touch, I will help with the child but only after the test,’ and ‘Sorry I can’t do….. until you’ve agreed to the test.’ and ‘I’m afraid I don’t want to talk about it until after the test.’ Boundaries are incredibly important following an affair and this is an example of being open but setting limits.
tamika green says
Thanks for reply before I just got one question am I wrong for bringing it up a lot to him because its been on my mind and I guess sometimes I feel he’s more loyal to her.It hurts bad every day as it come time for baby to be due I get more and more angry cause I feel everybody know and im stupid for still wanting my marriage to work people make mistakes and know one is perfect so who am I to judge he ask me not to mention it again he foul up and hes sorry ugh I hate feeling like this…..
Andrew G Marshall says
There is no right or wrong numbers of times to talk about this topic – because there’s a lot of discuss! It’s hard for him if every discussion – including ‘where’s all milk gone’ – turns into being about his infidelity. Conversely, if you feel you can’t bring it up, then you will feel resentful and end up exploding with anger (which doesn’t prompt productive talks either). So discuss how to find the right balance between the baby being a forbidden topic and the only one. Consider having a set time once or twice a week to talk. If you do go down this route, it is important to stick to the agreement (even if he’s not feeling up to it) because it’s better than constantly being ambushed by it.
Clio says
My partner of three years cheated for about 6months while i was pregnant with our first son. I found out when she announced ro the entire village where i worked that she was 3months pregnant.I was devastated but after some time apart just trying to digest and keep calm as i was 8 months pregnant, i decided that i would try to come to some acceptance. I thought maybe i could try and encourage a situation whereby i could accept my man wanted to be a father to her child by us being very open with eachother and by the mistress firstly apologising for deliberately trying to break us up when she knew i was pregnant! This never happened. She never spoke to me and on the odd occasion ive seen her i cannot suppress a volatile, almost massacistic anger and blowing my top. He has had very little contact with her and even less has he been able to be open about. I can understand why he would be afraid to tell me but things would be easier if he could just talk to me rather than me always having to find out for myself. Its a year since i found all this out and its been hard. On the outside we have coped very well but i am still absolutely heartbroken. If only he could have realised that it could have been different if he would sit me down and tell me what he feels and devise some sort of plan for when he would see the child but true to form, he just couldnt. The other day was the first time i saw her in a while and once again i blew my top because i was livid that she was visiting his new workplace and he couldnt tell me. I know he isnt stupid enough to do anything, he just wants to see his innocent child but she cannot and will not separate her feelings and desire for him. I later found out that she had sent him another naked picture and that was it. If she cant be mature about it, i cant have her continuing to drive herself between us with stupid pleas to mess around behind my back. She gets some sick pleasure from it so after my final song and dance i finally said it. I finally came out with ‘its us or them, no two ways about this now’. I feel terrible. How dare i forbid his contact with his other son? If only she could just grow up! He really has done well. Much as i will always hate what he did i do not hate him and i never say i do, nor do i have any reason to hate that child but i can easily say i would stand and watch the ex mistress die, a whole year later and feelings have not subsided. He accepts i cannot take having her have so little respect for our relationship and he has told her to leave us alone now. The satisafaction is not what i thought it would be. I knew i had a heart…even for wanting something so heartless as for him to eradicate all contact with her and consiquentially the child. The first birthdays are coming up and i dont really know how things are going to happen. I wish i did. What can i do?
Andrew G Marshall says
I think you need some help – both of you. This is a really tough situation and you should be in couple counselling. Perhaps with a neutral third party, you can find a way forward.
Still feeling betrayed says
I was with my partner for 7 years and had 3 kids. I decided to leave because of the continuous cheating and abuse. Well now 6 years later we are back together and have been for 2 years now. (While apart, he fathered 2 other children by the same woman and i had one other child by another man.) Since getting back together, i have found out that his first child with this woman was conceived several months before we separated and i feel totally betrayed. I have tried to let this go over the last two years but i have not truly been able to. Not only was he having an affair with this woman while we were together previously, but he stayed with her when i deserted him and he even had a second child with her. Now remember, when i left him before, i was unaware of the other woman at that time and the pregnancy. After getting back together, i knew he had come out of a relationship and had two kids but thats it. I truly love him and he has changed in so many ways but it is just so hard to let go of the past hurts. While i cannot get over that, he cannot get over how i deserted him after 7 years of being together (not taking full responsibility for his previous behavior). I have a hard time especially when the kids are around, i don’t mistreat them in any way but the feelings from the resentment are stronger within me. I hate the other woman, she has created what seems to be a war zone in my home when there is any mentioning of her or the other kids. I don’t know what to do, please help direct me. I love him and want to get over this but don’t know how. I have seeked help thru prayer and scripture reading thus far. Thank you.
Andrew G Marshall says
There’s a lot of pain around from the previous break-up and unless you can sort it out, you will find it hard to move forward. Is there someone that could provide you with a safe space to talk together? I would suggest a therapist but perhaps you have a pastor who could help. I would also read ‘How can I ever trust you again’ so you understand the process of recovery from infidelity.
Disaster says
I just found out my boyfriend of 3 1/2 years has been cheating on me… The women is 5 months pregnant. She told him at 3 months that she was pregnant & at that time he started being mean to me. After talking for 2 years about having our own child & getting married he took it all away from. Said he didn’t want more kids -he has one from a previous relationship- I chose to stay with him. I had gotten so close to his daughter & loved him. We had so much. The meanness got worse & i told him that if he couldn’t start treating me better than I didn’t want to be there. Soon after we broke up. That is when it all started coming out. That’s when I found out about him cheating & the girl being pregnant. I can’t say anything bc not many ppl know. But he denies ever cheating. And I can’t see him being so careless. I can’t get answers from him & I’m going crazy. I need to know how to deal with this. I will never go back but I don’t understand how he can do something so terrible & walk away… I didn’t suspect anything esp with this girl. I mean I was home taking care of his child & he was out cheating & gave to her one of the things he took from me.
Andrew G Marshall says
If you want to know why men switch off, look at ‘My husband doesn’t love me any more’ as it will explain everything. Why does he lie and deny cheating? It’s because he’s ashamed and doesn’t want to look at his bad behaviour. (He probably had a mother who either let him get away with anything, so he never had to face disapproval or she was so strict and made him feel small when he was in the wrong – any shame is overwhelming and can’t be acknowledged.) Why was he careless and put himself in the position of becoming a father? I’m afraid when we are full of lust, we don’t make the best long term decisions – just what feels good at the time. So it’s a really horrible situation and I think you’ve done the right thing walking away. However. to process all the pain please read my book ‘Heal and Move On’
ScaredConfused says
No. She says – apparently… She still has feelings towards him. Initially we set out to reconcile before we knew she was pregnant. We had about 2 days worth of interaction and then she told him…
We have a therapist. Right now we are seeing her separately. We started together… but it may be time for another joint session.
I just don’t know what to do.
Andrew G Marshall says
This is the toughest of all scenarios and it is farught with difficulty. So don’t beat yourself up for not knowing what to do. It goes with the territory! I agree that another joint session sounds like a good idea.
Tess says
My huaband has an affair and he has a child with that woman, the baby ia 4 yrs okd now. He dont see the baby aince she was qorn but have contact with the mother by email to i form her when he make a dwposit aince she lives in mexico, that woman is well known to date married man to get money now she is pregnant of another married man but she wants more money every time… My husband and i are trying to work things out but bothers me her writing to him and make him feel sorry for the little girl. Last thing she wrote was the little girl ask her for a cell phone to talk with his dad. Also she asking for more money because the little girl is asking for outings and vacations. Where in the world a 4 yr old have that mentality? What to do?
Andrew G Marshall says
Your husband wouldn’t be the first guy in this trap (and it will only get worse as she needs to go to the best school etc). My guess is that he’s caught in a shame cycle. He feel shame for his infidelity, for bringing the girl into the world and for thje hurt he’s caused you. Shame is a horrible emotion and we want to push it away immediately – and sending a cheque is the easiest way. So instead of debating whether the latest request is fair or not – which just sets the two of you at each other’s throats – talk about the feelings that they prompt in him. Listen and ask more questions. You’ll find the techniques explained in ‘I love you but I’m not in love with you.’
Nelly says
Can someone reach out to me ? i have a 8 month old son with my husband .. and now he has another baby on the way with a “female friend” i love my husband and l love babies as well but what am i to do if i want to stay with my husband ? staying isnt easy and neither is leaving.. my email is nellyholden12@gmail.com
Tina says
Me and my partner have just completed 17yrs together two children and one from a prior marriage I just found out he’s been having an affair with a friend for over 2 yrs now and she’s pregnant and due in 3weeks the girl is naming the baby after him I want to make things work for my family and myself but I’m just so upset and angry and all I’ve been doing is trying to find reasons to sabotage what little him and I have. My partner says he’s completly finished with the mistress and wants to fix our relationship but the mistress wants to force this child on me and has even asked me to babysit the child on my days off. I feel so confused and angry but I’m trying to keep it together for my children help! Any advice?
Andrew G Marshall says
Keep calm and be prepared for his mistress to be persistent as she will be determined to secure a father for her child. I would also expect him to feel guilty and try to keep her sweet – with minor concessions (as far as he’s concerned) – and major betrayals (as far as you’re concerned). It goes without saying, you will somewhere to go, talk this thorugh and decide what to do in the long term. It will help with the confusion and maybe with the anger too.
Vickie says
Im pass the new stage. This affair has been going on for 10 yrs off and on just like your story said. He recently took his mistress to bahamas instead of me! I just lost my aunt who was like a mother and one month later I lost my Mother! im so devastated! I still love him and want my marriage to work but I dont want to continue this constant pain anymore! How can I win this battle? Is there any hope left for me?
Andrew G Marshall says
When you’re bereaved, it’s not a good time to make long-term decisions about your life. Just getting through each day is enough of a struggle and you’ve got a double bereavement. Find someone outside the family to talk through all your feelings about loss and when you’re feeling a little stronger, that’s the time to review the issues with your husband.
Prudence says
It realy hurts i need to speak to somebody
Andrew G. Marshall says
Have you thought of talking to a therapist?
Healing says
It’s painful it feels like hell.
buffy vaughn says
I have been married for 8 yrs my husband had an affair and as a result has a child with this person. I forgave him and took him back he said he was going to do what was best for our family he claimed to be done with her. We get my step son every sat.night he’s almost 1 now but I am now pregnant with our 2nd child together which he has claimed he’s wanted no part of..he’s since claimed that he’s wanted her back but blames me for everything y I had to take him back and y I got pregnant but in meantime we bought a house if I leave him what’s the chances I get our children…I dint want the material things I just want my kids…he’s been so wishy washy about things and I don’t believe he’s ever stopped messing with her y am I so blind sided to think I still want him after everything he’s done? Why is it so hard for me to leave I keep making excuses why I need to stay but in reality I know I can’t I just am so confused and can’t bring myself to think of him with someone else.
Andrew G Marshall says
It’s natural to want a father for your child, so don’t beat yourself up for still wanting him. However, you have to ask yourself if this is possible. It’s really tough being pregnant and feeling so vulnerable. I think you need to talk to someone face-to-face about this about your options.
Jen says
I can relate to everything here been married 24yrs. My story is one compiled mess off all the stories I’ve read. I just found out a paternity test needs to be done, it’s just something I’ve always suspected to be true anyway. My question is how do I cope with the what ifs the maybes and questions of what to do on a positive test verses a negative test. It’s the waiting game of proof. I can speculate and say it’s gotta be this way or that, but we don’t know for sure yet. I just found this out last night.
Andrew G Marshall says
Sorry to hear about your situation but you need to take this one step at a time. You can’t predict how you’re going to feel, how he’s going to feel and what her reaction is going to be. I know you want all this to be over tomorrow but whatever happens it will take a long time to resolve. So be prepared for the long haul and that will make each step along the way a little easier.
Tammy says
My husband had a 2 yr affair, the other woman is pregnant and due on my wedding anniversary. We agreed to work it out. He wants to be involved w/ the child. I fully support this, I will probably love the child because its a part of him. I am just so hurt… one I wanted another child with him…two he is happy about the baby because he also wanted another child. Hes tracking her weeks in his phone. He bought baby clothing and has stated he would probably call her daily after the child is born… I can stomach the thought of him visiting the child at her house… shes made it clear she wants him…she knew he was married from the beginning. I am so torn… its not right of me to say you can’t see the child until hes old enough to come out the house…you know around three months…I have no idea what to do… I thought about just divorcing him… I don’t know how this is going to work. There has to be clear cut boundaries and we both will have to make sacrifices. I just don’t know what the right ones are…I don’t want to be as selfless as I usually am…just tell him to go and be there as I sit home and cry…this is sooooo horrible. Even if he gets court ordered visitation, that takes time and what to do in the meantime…. help
Andrew G Marshall says
You need help to talk this through calmly together. So I suggest that you get professional help – as this is tough enough without trying to do it on your own. At the moment, your husband wants to stay married and talk daily to a woman who wants to break up your marriage. How is that going to work? You need to feel safe and that he is committed to your relationship, he is feeling responsible for bringing a new life into the world, pulled in every direction and can’t focus on anything. How is he going to work out what he truly wants (because he can’t have everything)? That’s probably enough to fill the first six months of your sessions!
Frankie says
What makes her so important is that she’s his wife! He was supposed to put her first yet he betrayed her in one of the worst ways possible, and now there’s a baby involved, he can never NOT have contact with the mistress again. Try showing some compassion for the person who’s actually the victim here.
Vic says
I’m very surprised to see that there are so many people going through this.
My case is very severe. My husband fell in love with me, separated from his girlfriend, married me to make her his mistress 4 years later. I found out about the affair 2 years after it started. He ended it and I forgived him but our marriage got worse year after year. I left him and after 6 months I decided to give our marriage a chance again. As soon as we moved together again, his girlfriend called him one night and since he was asleep I took the call. It was his ex. She suddenly knew we were together again so she decided to tell me everything. This night changed my life, she told me she was pregnant and the affair never ended and still had sex for the past 6 years! So plus the first 2 years my husband cheated on me for 8 years with his ex. Well, that was 18 months ago and I’m still struggling every single day. I’m 32, we have 2 children together. He says he lives me and with her it was only sex. He never saw her again and did not met the child yet, which will get 1 year old next weekend. He says he wants solution no. 1. He changed so much, the last 18 months he has been a wonderful husband and father but I can’t get this 8 years of cheating and the love child out of my mind. I decided to give him a second, third? chance but honestly I don’t know how the story is going to end. He doesn’t want to be a father for the baby, not yet. He says maybe when she gets a teenager because he doesn’t want to have to do anything with his ex ever again no matter what. I’m still confused how long our current happiness will last and if it can last after so much betrayal!
Andrew G Marshall says
I hope it helps to know that this is not such an exclusive club. Fortunately, it seems, your husband is not so torn as the other men in this thread. Have a look at my book ‘How can I ever trust you again’ so you can begin to work through your feelings of betrayal not that you’re off high alert.
philadelphia says
I am engaged to be married last year december I found out he made a woman pregnant and after I also found out he has a 1 year old child with his colleage, we have a 2 years old daughter together. And these woman keep on texting him demanding. He sometimes tell a lie and say he doesn’t want to hurt me. I am so angry at my life and now I am working I pay everything because he can only affort to pay rent and maintenance to his other 2 children. He doesn’t pay for my child school fee cause he can’t afford it. He also support his brothers and sisters since his mother is not working. Am I doing the right thing to stay with this man. He also want us to go ahead with the wedding next year but I have my doubts. Please help before I do the wrong decision
Andrew G Marshall says
You need to do a lot of talking and find a way of making your relationship work on a day-to-day basis and learn how to communicate effectively about the other children BEFORE embarking on marriage. It is easy to think of the wedding as a magical solution but there’s a lot of work to do calm your doubts first. So my advice would be to ‘watch and wait’ rather than making any lasting decisions.
Spent says
Hi, my husband cheated prior to us getting married. Three days before my wedding, his mistress told me she was pregnant. I was angry and said some hateful things to both. I was hurt but still went through with the marriage. A few months have passed and I am slowly and painfully accepting it. I reached out to her to apologize and find out what her expectations are as far as us being involved with the child. She feels that I should not be involved at all. That if he wants to see her, he has to go to her. My husband is in the military so that is not a reality. I feel she’s not really looking in the best interest of her child. We will have to pay child support so we should get our time as well. I guess I’m just looking into insight on how to handle her. In trying to be the bigger person but I honestly think she is just bitter.
Andrew G Marshall says
I doubt that you are going to get very far with talking to her because you are coming from two totally different places. To be honest, you want her out of your life but, as that’s not possible, you believe what’s best for the child is to have a relationship with your husband (and that involves you too). She believes what’s best for the child is for it is to have a father. Full stop. Therefore, you are the wicked witch who needs to be cast out to protect her child and her love for this man (which is trumps everything including your wedding plans). So by all means try talking to her but I doubt that you are going to get much sense or maturity out of her.
Jenny says
Hi, my husband and I have a 9.5 month old daughter. He found out 3 months ago, the mistress from his work was 5 months pregnant with his child. That was when he told me he had cheated on me with her. He left us thinking the marriage was over and tried to be there for her. He realized he loves me and wants to be with me and our daughter. We started couples therapy and I’m having a really hard time. I can’t stop picturing them together. The girl came over to our house and sat across from me in my dining room a week before I gave birth! He said that he couldn’t end things with her because she kept threatening to tell me and he was afraid he’d would lose me. Is this marriage fixable?!? She’s living with him now because she has no job and lost her apartment (how conviently).
Andrew G Marshall says
I’m glad that you’re having couple counselling because there is a lot to discuss. My concern is that she is not going to disappear and that she will do anything to hold onto your husband. Is your marriage fixable? I think this question hardly begins to start to address the situation – as it suggests that there is something simple that can be done for everybody to live happily ever after. Whatever happens, this situation will never be simple and neat but you have to find a way forward – rather than just throwing your hands in the air (and despairing) or searching for the magic fix. So it’s all down to keeping talking. Can he be honest with you – rather than just please you to the face and find out something different later? Can you explain your position without going into meltdown and shaming him? How patient can you be – because he will not change overnight? Then we have the unknown question of what she will decide to do? So whatever happens keep talking and listening and remember there is no neat fix (because looking for it will drive you mad).
Mankie says
I need help I’ve been trying to work on this for five year’s with my Husband and this has Hurts me so bad I really think I’m going to leave him. It’s like stopping me from being intimate with him alot
Hurting and Confused says
Hurting and Confused now what do I had canceling with two different therapist I’ve been trying to work with this for five year’s I’m torn within.
Andrew G Marshall says
It’s only natural to feel like this, perhaps you need some time to lick your wounds and regroup. So don’t be so hard on yourself
Spent says
Whoa, you were definitely right about not getting much out of her. I guess I just need to try to keep my sanity through all of this right now. However, it’s really difficult to not let this take over my life. It’s hard to to fix things with my husband because he is away on training. I feel like my life is on standstill right now. How do I move forward when he’s not here?
Andrew G Marshall says
You can always work on yourself. Start with my book ‘Wake Up and Change Your Life’
Broken says
My husband has been caught cheating several times over the course of our 15 year marriage but it was never physical only through texts and they all lived in other states, however this recent woman was a coworker and I kicked him out for lying about who she was and not stopping the contact like he promised. Then less than 2 weeks after getting kicked out he tells me she’s 6 weeks pregnant and that he’s staying with her until the baby is born. I’m hurt and furious. We have a son that will be 2 years old in October of this year. I can’t bring myself to allow any contact with this outside child and I honestly feel his mistress is lying to keep him because he was ready yo come back home and work things out before she announced her pregnancy. I still love him and want to make our marriage work but he refuses to leave her and come home and just take care of the child. I don’t know what to do, I’m not myself anymore.
Regina D says
im in the same situation , I had to find out about my husband’s child at his brother’s funeral the bad part was that I was the only one who didn’t know about it and his mistress was also there and I did not know that, I got to find out about it after the burial and everyone had gone to their homes, I felt betrayed, hurt and humiliated. As the daughter in law of the family I tried to make sure everyone was comfortable and making sure everyone had food, not knowing nobody appreciated what I was doing yet all what i was doing I did it whole heartedly with love, my husband’s brother was buried in the rural area so my mother was also there, and they were isolating themselves from her. l also had to make sure she was also comfortable because she also didn’t know and I could feel that these people were hiding something, my mother in law no longer wants to see me anymore, we are now back together with my husband although he always say he is sorry still wants me back I am finding it hard to love , trust and take him back its hard for me to accept his child, because its a constant reminder of his actions and up to now I no longer believe him when he says he loves me. as I am talking right now Im still in pain and sometimes ask GOD what wrong did I do lord to deserve this, I had to ask my husband if I had done anything wrong to him that lead him to do what he did and why he did what he did up to now he doesn’t have a reason or an answer for his actions
Andrew G. Marshall says
What a horrible way to find out? No wonder, you’re in so much pain – especially as his family is providing so little support when you looked after them so considerately. I would like to turn the question round from ‘what did I do wrong?’ to ‘what was wrong with my marriage? (because it takes two people to mess things up not just you). Good luck
kristi says
My husband and I seperated beginning of the year and I found out in march that he has been having an affair with an older woman and she is pregnant. I found out by her calling me off my husbands phone. She told me that they are together and that they are having a baby and I need to leave and never talk to my husband again. I was in shock I couldn’t believe it. Mybhusband confessed said it was true and said he was sorry. This year has been incredibly hard on me and our three children we have together. I still see my husband and we talk and he has said he has been taking things day by day. He doesn’t know what to do. We have been together for 12 years. This other woman already has 2 kids who live with their father in another country. She hasn’t seen her kids in 2 years. She is apparently due in october. I still want to work things out with my husband but I don’t know how it will work or if I can trust him again. He is living with his sister and I found out that the other woman is living there as well. I think that my husband is stuck now cos she is living there and having his baby. He wants to come back home to our family but he says he can’t right now. Will my marriage be able to work after the baby is born or will it just get harder. Im still torn on what to do.
Andrew G. Marshall says
What happens next depends on the two of you. 1. Can he be open and honest? (Not telling you he was living with the other woman, doesn’t give me a lot of hope in this department.) 2. How much do you want your marriage to work? (because he will make lots of stupid mistakes like being economical with information like where the OW lives)
Dee Thompson says
Ok my situation seems unusually usual after reading so many hurt and betrayed women and their stories. (im so sorry ladies!) My boyfriend of three years and I had a planned pregnancy and now parent an 18 month old son. About 9 months ago I discovered that he is the father to another boy in his home country that is FOUR DAYS older than our boy. Everyone in his family knew but me and no one thought that I needed to know enough. I know that it’s HIS family but is everyone that indecent that they didn’t think that I needed to know? Of course I flew off of the handle bars and flipped out on him. Smacked him even. I gave him my trust, support, love and devotion, not to mention what I thought was the biggest expression of love….a first born son only to be let down on so many levels. I feel like he’s selfish when it comes to me and the things that I need. I applaud him for manning up for taking care of that child but where exactly does that leave me? And my child? My future? He indirectly admitted that she was happy when she learned she was pregnant and was sadly expecting the same things that I was from him (a family, marriage, a life together completed with more children) only to be thwarted when she found out about me as well only I do believe that at that point he chose me. (she’s become bitter and hateful by keeping the child from him). Even I can’t say that with 100% confidence. I can’t say anything with confidence. The only thing making that evident is that she is in another country while I am here with him yet she’s still making a racket. He says that I am resentful and angry and causing him more pain so we should take time apart until the dust settles which I think is an excuse. At the moment we aren’t together and have not been for a while. I’m seemingly the only one stuck on the situation and in anguish while he is successfully putting his life back together. Killer is, he won’t let me go. We still hang out and even do date nights and family things together yet he won’t fully committed yet won’t let me go. My heart still wants him but I’d like to gain my sanity back. For my sake. For my son’s sake. I have to recover and it is such a slow process. He’s too emotionally inept to help me. In fact I think he keeps me around to help HIM cope. He says there is no one else and that he and her are trying to learn to act in the best interests of the child but trust is a no go and he’s never been a communicator. Help me please to know where to go from here. Even if it is alone. I’m so unhappy. I love him but I can’t play stupid anymore.
Andrew G. Marshall says
It takes a long time to process information this big (especially when it seems like you’re the last to know). So where do you go from here? It’s all down to communication and I know he finds this tough but that doesn’t mean that you can’t improve your half of the equation (which will have a knock-on effect on him). Look at ‘My husband doesn’t love me and he’s texting someone else’ for tips on being assertive. Finally, I would try to avoid making assumptions and jumping to conclusions – but to check things out. Just because he seems OK on the surface, I very much doubt he is ‘successfully putting his life back together’. More like, from the description in your letter, floundering around in every direction and improvising from moment to moment!
Flora says
Hello, I have felt my husband slipping away from me for the last few months. I thought he had depression but I have found out today that he has had an affair and is expecting a baby with her. I’m devastated. We look after his brother and sister and I’m torn between running for the hills and staying to look after the kids who I have a bond with. I feel like I’m living in a nightmare.
Andrew G. Marshall says
You are living a nightmare but I hope knowing that you’re not alone will help. Please read about affairs, get as much help as you can find and keep talking to your husband.
Flora says
We have kept talking, however he feels that he has to be a full time dad to the baby. He left me for 3 weeks to be with his mistress and the (unborn) baby but was in contact with me everyday and came to see me without her knowing. He then moved back into the marital home and I asked him what he ultimately wanted and he said ‘to be with the baby all of the time’. The mistress wants him to be a full time dad and he says he doesn’t want to be with her but he’ll try and make it work for the baby’s sake. He really wants a baby and I’ve been going through fertility tests and have an operation booked. He said he doesn’t want the baby to have a childhood like his and he’s trying to do the right thing.
Andrew G. Marshall says
I hope you’re getting emotional support too. It sounds like you’ve been through the emotional wringer and there is more upset to come – especially after the baby is born.
Jillian says
It’s been ten years for me and I still feel the same unbelievable hurt I felt the day I found out about the other child. We are at a crossroads trying to decide if he can just let it go and not be a part of their lives or if I can try to have this child in our family…. I’ve never felt so much hurt in my life. Ok hope you find what works for you.
Rcc says
Hi.. My partner had a one night stand in a lads weekend away, whilst I was pregnant with our child. 2years later I wasn’t aware until he called me and told me that he had a child from a one night stand.. 🙁 this absolutely broke my heart, I thought I was the only one with his child, I thought it was special that I had his baby.
He asked what I wanted to do and my response was that at this moment I don’t want him or I to have anything to do with this child..BUT I asked him what do you want to do??
As much as it hurt me this was an innocent child at the end of the day..
And I didn’t want to be the reason for him not to see it.
However he chose not to have anything to do with it, he said it lives 6hours away, he would hardly be able to see it often, so thinks it’s better he’s not in the child’s life at all and he also said that me and our child was his world and that he wanted nothing but us two.
Even now 5 years on from when I found out, we’ve got married and had another baby but I still think about this other child that’s his and it still hurts me.
I wonder if ever this child will turn up at the door and what would be the best thing for me to do, I know he’s had no contact at all with them but I don’t feel ok with him meeting someone he cheated on me with, I know it’s been a long time but it still hurts me. Sometimes I wonder if he thinks about it. We don’t talk about it at all.
Andrew G. Marshall says
I wonder what would happen if you did talk about what happened? I expect he would tell you that he occasionally thinks about the other child (but not as often you would imagine) and probably feels guilty (about hurting you and letting everybody down). You can tell him about your fears about the future and you could decide together, it’s unlikely to happen when the child is so young and if the day does come that you will face it together. So when you’re both relaxed – and not during a row – why don’t you ask; do you ever think about this child? If you keep calm, don’t accuse and listen, he might answer. Finally thanks for sharing a story that shows there is a future after discovering your partner cheated and had a child.
Cynthia White says
Omg It Warms My Heart To Read That Story. It is 2018 And i am going through the same thing. My boyfriend of two years had a one night stand with a Girl and she ended up pregnant. She claims he is the only person she slept with . I dont know whether im more hurt over the fact that a baby is involved or the fact that he cheated. I do know that i still love him. But i constantly fight back and forth with myself because i am afraid he will do it again. I wanna stay but i also wanna leave. So it was nice to see that a relationship can flourish after a mistake this great. But i do have a question do men actually mean it when they say sorry? And do they actually learn from this mistake?
Andrew G. Marshall says
Does anybody learn from their mistakes? Yes. But it takes a long hard look at yourself and a credible plan for changing. Sadly, men are trained to act (rather than examine their feelings) and so don’t really do the first and without that their plans are too superficial. So I’m sure he is sorry but does he have a way of sorting out this mess, I doubt it.
Melissa says
I just found out that my husband fathered a child with another women. The affair happened two years ago and the baby is a little over a year. We have a 4 month daughter. My husband does not want to have anything to do with the child. The child’s mother also wants nothing but money from him. He plans on having the child support taken out of his paycheck and all communication through lawyers. He has never even seen the baby. I am so confused. I love my husband but I am so hurt. I also want whats best for my daughter. If he does go the route of no communication I don’t think I could live in the same area because I fear we would run into them.
Andrew G. Marshall says
I hope reading the posts of others makes you realise that you’re in a better position that many others. If you can’t live in the same area than her – that’s fine. Take things one day at a time – especially as you’ve already had so many changes with the arrival of your own daughter (congratulations)
Brokenhearted says
I found out back in February that my husband of 5 years was having an affair and had a baby with the girl, the child will 2 years old next week. I dont know what to do. My heart is aching. When I first found out I told my husband that he was to have no contact with the girl. Anything he wanted to say had to go through me. I was the middle man because I didnt want my husband talking to her or having any contact. Well here it is August and I recently told my husband that I was done being the middle man and told him that he can contact her (about the child only). Well my husband is trying to be a father to the child but the mother doesnt want to help him. Meaning he is paying child support but doesnt get to see the child when he ask. I recently found out that he was sending pics of his penis to the girl and also popping up on her. He always say he sorry and he wont do it again, but should I believe him? My husband and I have been trying to have a child of our own for over 2 years. I dont know how to feel, i want to stay, but at the same time I want to leave and not deal with the situation. I think about this all the time. I dont express my feelings to people so I havent told anyone anything. Im in this alone. Now Im back to being the middle man and I just want to be happy. This is the HARDEST thing Ive had to deal with.
Andrew G. Marshall says
You’re right I can think of nothing tougher than this. Keep talking and it will be a little easier. You might also like to look at my new book ‘I can’t get over my partner’s affair’ which has a section on discovering your husband has made another woman pregnant. (It’s out Oct 2015)
AnotherWife says
My husband’s mistress had his baby 3 months ago. She refuses to “face me” which really just means she refuses to let my husband see the baby if I’m present. He has met the baby, but now we feel stuck. He wants to see his son, which I support, but I’m uncomfortable that this woman can’t get past the end of their relationship, and would rather live in denial than face me. My husband believes this is temporary because either the baby will get older and eventually be able to be dropped off at our home or she will adjust and be able to face the situation (and me). But continuing to have my husband spend time with her alone, to see the baby, also feels like it’s setting a bad precedent that she doesn’t have to take responsibility and move forward. Help!
Andrew G. Marshall says
You’re dealing with a difficult situation really well. It is easy to become overwhelmed with anger but, in your comment, you come across calm. My concern is the phrase: ‘she doesn’t have to take responsibility’. I wonder what you mean by that and what you’re expecting from her?
Alyson says
I guess I mean take personal responsibility that she chose to have a baby with a married man, and that she now has to accept the situation, even if it means she doesn’t get the family she wanted out of it. We’re all going to need to get along for the children (my husband and I already had had a child before the affair) and to keep both of their best interests as our priority. She has made it clear that my son is welcome to meet her child, but not me, since she “can’t face me.”
I think taking responsibility would mean acting in a way that demonstrates she’s thinking about what will be best for her child, not acting like a victim and continuing to live in denial.
I don’t believe there are easy happy endings for anyone involved, but having this work out to best-case-scenario involves her showing a little more maturity. Instead, I am frustrated by her current behavior, which I view as manipulative and exerting control in the only way that she feels she can.
The only silver lining is that my husband and I have started to feel like we are able to communicate more effectively, and found we are on the same page for many things. It helps to feel like we’re a team, and that we’ll get through this (even if the other woman involved is kicking and screaming through it) together!
Ariane Diaz says
I am going through this situation right now. Still not sure which way I will go if I will stay or end the relation. Been with my partner for 11 years. We are not marry but own a house together. We have no kids together but I have kids of my own. Is a tough situation he says he loves me but the other women is giving him a child, his first born. He does not want to leave the house or the relation but I’m devastated . Part of me wants to leave him for betraying me but I love him that makes my decision to go very difficult. Not sure how all this is going to end up.
Andrew G. Marshall says
I would give yourself plenty of time to make the decision.
Grace-16 says
Great tips. I have been married for 28 years but known my husband for 30 years as well his family. I found out 3 years ago about an affair that he had with a co-worker. And yes I had met her before. She had visit my house once. That day I had a feeling something was going on or about to happened. Intuition if you may say. When I found out I was devastated. Didn’t know what to say nor what to do, I held the secret for about a 6 weeks. I started to experience anxiety attacks because I kept the secret from my family & my 2 daughters. Then I started not being able to sleep. And enter into pre depression stage. I seek help but that was not working for me. So I decided to tell everyone my secret. That caused another issue specially to my 2 daughters. The affair or the adultery had created a child. Today he is 4 years old. I am still married to him though we sleep in different bedrooms because I no longer wanted him to sleep with me. Its been 3 years I know & based on her they been together since 2008. That makes it 8 years. Money situation also has become tight because he has to give her child support. But he never done a DNA to make sure that is his child. She has never been married before but has had relationships prior to his. She is 44 years old & my husband 52 years old.
Andrew G. Marshall says
You make a good point about the financial impact. It sounds like you’ve been through a really tough time. However, I’m concerned about the stand off where you are angry and in another room and I expect he is feeling ‘hard done by’ in the other. It sounds like you need some help to discuss a way forward from this impasse – because the status quo seems unhappy and dangerous to me.
Hurt says
I recently found out my boyfriend of 15 years cheated on me with a girl 20 years younger and now she is pregnant. She’s not sure 100% it’s his but the date of conception according to the dr is when they were together. My boyfriend does’t want anything to do with the baby (or the mama) when it is born – but I am wondering if this will change later. We have two kids together (ages 7 and 9). I am devastated on so many levels. Our relationship has not always been perfect but nothing to this magnitude. I have questioned everything that has ever happened in the past wondering if this is the first time he’s cheated or not. I am driving myself crazy. I thought I could work through the cheating but I have found myself having a really hard time lately with the pregnancy that occurred. I am worried about what will really happen after this baby is born and can I deal with it or not.
Andrew G. Marshall says
I’m not so worried about what your husband will do after the birth of the child but your reaction. I think your fears are that he will take one look at the baby and be consumed with love and leave you. However, I’m wondering how you will feel about your husband. After all he is ‘abandoning’ a child and that goes against every one of a mother’s instinct. I’m afraid that he thinks that ignoring a problem will make it go away and my hunch is that’s probably at the bottom of a lot of the problems in your relationship too. Thirty years of experience tells me ignoring problems solves nothing – just makes them worse.
Delia says
In September last year I found out my husband of 11 years (total of 22 years in relationship) had an affair with a very young coworker and a baby was borne out of this. I found out after the baby was born and was 2 months old. He hid the entire thing from me cause he knew that this was a deal breaker for me since I cant have kids. Its been 8 months and I am still in pain. I dont know which one is worse – his affair, getting the girl pregnant, or his betrayal. I found out the affair was short – 2 weeks- and then he ended it but soon after the girl said she was pregnant. He said he wants to save the marriage and I have been holding on. He has told the girl he is not interested in a relationship with her, even if his marriage falls apart, and she said she understands this. But her actions says otherwise. She continues to do things that shows she wants to sabotage the marriage – she tells him she does not want her child around his wife (really!!!), she calls him constantly about insignificant things and when he ignores the calls, she finds other ways to get his attention, she tells people that they are still in a relationship and that he is only trying to save his marriage out of obligation/pressure from his family.
So now I dont know – here i am trying to deal with the infidelity and deception on one hand and the mistress continuous actions the other hand. This is my husbands only child so he is trying not to rock the boat. but do I want to subject myself to a lifetime of this behaviour since he seems to be accepting her actions.
Andrew G. Marshall says
I am afraid that everything you write is text book. Your feelings of betrayal. The mistress trying to sabotage the marriage. Your husband caught like a rabbit in the headlights (and about to get run over any minute now. I write this to underline that you’re not being difficult, your feelings are justified. The other woman is not being particularly evil and your husband is no ,more stupid than any other man (who is trying to digest the implications of his choices). The only way that you are going to find a way through this is with lots of support. I suggest couple counselling for you and your husband. If he won’t go – or drops out – have counselling yourself so you can decide if this situation is tolerable for you (or not)
Delia says
Thanks for responding. We have started counselling, so lets see how that goes.
Which of your reading resources would you recommend – I already bought “Wake up…” to help with my own growth.
Andrew G. Marshall says
I don’t want to overwhelm you but you did ask! You’ve picked the book I would have suggested first. After that, go for ‘My husband doesn’t love me and he’s texting someone else’ as this explains why men detach (and become vulnerable to affairs). I also try and shed some light onto what the other woman is thinking – and that might be helpful too. My next choice would be ‘I can’t get over my partner’s affair’ as this is about the long term impact of infidelity (and this is going to be a long haul).In the back of both of those books, there are plenty more suggestions both from myself and other authors. I hope it helps to keep you sane in an insane situation.
indya hairston says
Everything in this article is what I’m going threw at this moment. I told my husband that I don’t want know part of this messy situation but I do want us to work on our marriage, but I don’t know how that is going to work when I have so much anger
Andrew G. Marshall says
Anger is a natural reaction to what’s happened. If it is overwhelming you – which wouldn’t surprise me – you might want to have a bit of counselling so you can safely unload a bit of it. In this way, you will be ready to truly listen to your husband. I have some advice about the importance of accepting anger in my book ‘Wake Up and Change Your Life’
Angry and disgusted says
Hi, I am seeking help. My husband and I have been married for 12 years and he has a 6 year old daughter that I just found out about a month ago. I am trying to save my marriage and my husband is so afraid that I am going to leave. He is so sorry. I don’t know if I can get over another woman having my husbands baby. I am angry at her and the child. I am just so mad that I don’t know how to handle any of this. Please help
Andrew G. Marshall says
My best piece of advice is take your time to decide your next move. It is natural to be angry and mad with everybody (most probably yourself too). However, if you give yourself a little time, you will begin to be able to step back and make a more considered decision. Read my books on affairs: How can I ever trust you again and I can’t get over my partner’s affair so you understand more about affairs and how to rebuild your marriage (if you chose to do so).
Tasshi lovely says
I just want to thank youfor this post. I am in a situation like this. Its hard because I am young.
Andrew G. Marshall says
Thank you for your kind comments and I wish you strength and a sense of purpose.
Dannette says
I have been with a man for 3 years, he was leaving his kids mother when we met. (She had two kids before they got together and while they was together they had three – plus he has two kids by another women and one kid each but two other women as well so that makes 7 all together for him.) We live together, he has asked me to marry but I’ve found out he has been cheating with his kids mother that he has three kids with – but the kicker is she just had a baby last August that’s supposed to be by him. Now she just had another baby on July 22 that’s his as well because she named the baby after him. I don’t know what to do I’m hurt mad all I do is cry. I can’t stand to be around him. He wants to make it work. I don’t know if I do, I love him. I don’t want him to leave even though I tell him to leave all the time. All we do is fight about her and these two new babies.
How do I accept that I feel like a fool? I’m embarrassed all he ever does is try and make things better but I can’t seem to forgive and forget and now one baby will be a year old and the other is a week old. Why did he leave her if he knew he would keep going back to her and making two more babies. I ask him not to talk to her fb, he tells he is not but I always find the messages or she will send me hateful messages. He can’t see the kids he does have unless he goes to her without me. I feel like I hate him. I hate feeling like this yet in some ways I want it to work out and in others I want him out my life – because I am so hurt he always has a excuse of why he don’t do DNA testing. ‘I’m to busy’ or ‘I forgot’ or ‘you’re alway at work that you’re not able to go with’ or ‘I don’t have the money’ and now the new baby is named after him so that means more child support and now that makes 9 kids for him. I truly just want to give up I’m so hurt and I feel like if I stay I will look stupid and be judged
Andrew G. Marshall says
Stop and ask yourself? Has this man learnt anything from his past mistakes or does he just keeping on doing the same thin over and over again? Then ask yourself, do you want to be with a man who might talk a good talk but seldom delivers?
Dannette says
Yes you are so right. I don’t think he learnt from his past mistakes and I honestly don’t think he will. Yes I ask my self all the time if I want to be with and he just talks his action don’t match his words ever but it’s still hard because I do love him and lately things have been really out of control and I just feel like i’m losing myself but you are right
Christina says
Um, Good article, I think though that you should change and spellcheck the u is next to the i on the keyboard, understandably, you probably made a mistake in spelling, “Chunks”, it’s okay though.
Andrew G. Marshall says
Thanks for the advice. I’m a terrible spelling but on this occasion, I have got it right. It is break the future down into ‘chunks’ (rather than think about forever) as that makes it easier to find a solution that works today. If you do that, you’ll find ‘chinks’ of light in what is truly a dark situation.
Kia says
Me and my fiance have been together for 3.5 years and recently he told me he had a one night stand one year ago and just found out he has a child. He divulged this info when we were considering moving in together because he thought I should know. I feel betrayed, lied to, hurt and angry. I feel he is a good guy that just made a mistake so i’m actually considering staying in the relationship but thoughts of him fathering a child with someone else, when this is something that I really wanted continue to haunt me. I don’t want to be the woman that has to check her man’s phone but trying to figure out how to trust this man that I love again after he has betrayed me . I don’t know how to get through this and even considering counseling. Any advice would help.
Andrew G. Marshall says
I think counselling would be a really good idea. It will give you somewhere to explore your feelings and options but, unlike friends, your counsellor will not have an agenda of his or her own. It will help you decided your next step with your eyes open.
Chantale says
I feel like this article is somewhat connected to my situation.
My boyfriend of 5 years had an affair last year around August. I found out and we split, than we rekindle a week later. Not knowing that there was more to that affair or that “one night”. The girl has a child for him just this past April. I sort of knew but I wasn’t sure til she made it public on social media. I confront him about it and all he said during she was pregnant was “that’s not mine”. Until February he finds out it really is his BUT doesn’t come clean about it to me. Apart from this situation he says he wants nothing to do with them. He says he feels nothing for them. From what i know he wasn’t told of the pregnancy, birth, didn’t sign the BC. He wants to keep going with us, he has big plans for our future. But the only thing is shes starting to make trouble on social media for us. I’ve dealt with harassment messages on social media coming from her sister and friends.
Could this really work? he’s here for me and tells me constantly he doesn’t see himself with anyone else except me.
Andrew G. Marshall says
Of course this could work but it depends on the two of you being learning to communicate better. I am concerned that he delayed telling you that he was the father – that doesn’t suggest he is prepared to talk about difficult and potentially painful topics. I am also concerned about her behaviour on social media which suggests that she feels that she has legitimate complaints. What might these be? My guess is that she says sees matters from an entirely different perspective and its possible that he has not been 100% honest with you about her too. If he really does have big plans, he should be happy to go and discuss them with a couple counsellor and, in particular, whether this other woman could ruin these plans. It will teach you how to communicate better and soon show if he’s committed to making this work.
Chantale says
Were working on that communication. And yeah we talked, he told me that they were friends, but he never planned on being with her. She talks like she was in a relationship with him. He says they met back in 2014, and I’ve known him since 2011. He’s made his point clear that he wants nothing to do with them to her. Yes, he has a responsibility but it’s his own choice and he choose to stay with me. I’ve told him that he could go be with them but he chooses to stay. So I’m thinking shes got the point but thinks cyber bullying will split us. Its just makes our plans harder with her drama.
Jess says
My husband cheated on me, and the woman got pregnant. He told me a few months later, and said that he did a mistake. According to him it only happened once. The baby is born, and I found out that he often calls her. I asked him once if he calls her, and told me that they are not. Once she called when he was with me, and he did not answer, so I checked his phone call history to find the number, and I found out that it was her. I asked him later about that, and he said that he does call her about the baby. I also found out that they text each other. I don’t know if they only text each other about the baby, and I do not know how to talk to my husband about it. When I talk to him about it he feels bad, and get angry. I am not sure I know how to ask any question without making it seems like I am accusing him of lying. I want to know if they are seeing each other without the baby, and why they are calling/texting so often.
Andrew G. Marshall says
I find it hard to believe that your husband only had sex once with this woman and she got pregnant on the first time. I think a far more likely scenario is that he tells you what he thinks you want to hear – even if it’s not the truth. No wonder it’s hard to ask a question without it seeming like you’re accusing him of lying because I would guess he does it a LOT. So onto your questions? Why are they seeing each other / texting each other a lot? Every woman wants a father for her baby – even if he is someone else’s husband. Why is he going a long with it? He feels guilty for staying and he’s trying to keep her happy. He’s trying to keep you happy too – hence all the lying to keep all the balls in the air for a bit longer.
Joe Sundjaja says
I am in the same exact situation but I am the father. I am married with my wife for 9 years and have 20 months baby girl from an affair. My wife just found out the affair 3 months ago. My wife doesn’t want any contact with nor support to the baby and the mother at all and ask for divorce if she find out I still contact with them. Like you said , I feel guilty if I just abandon them, but I also want to save my marriage. Do you have any suggestion what I should do?
Andrew G. Marshall says
There is only one solution: complete honesty. However my fear is that you’re going to try and fudge things and keep everybody happy (but the only way you can do that is by being economical with the truth). So starting with your wife, you tell her: I want to save my marriage and I know to do that I have to be honest with you. At the very least, by law, I have to financially provide for my child. In the long run, I need to have some contact too. However, I am aware that you’re still in shock about discovering the affair and you’re not strong enough to deal with me seeing the other woman. I will show you any text, email or other communication that I get – even if I know it will make you upset. I will not reply without discussing it with you first. I expect your wife will get upset and threaten everything under the sun. Please acknowledge her pain and upset but stand firm – it is better than agreeing anything to keep her calm and going behind her back again. THAT WILL DEFINITELY END YOUR MARRIAGE. You will also need to tell the other woman what you’re doing – ie: staying with your wife, you’ll show her any emails but you want to see the child and offer support in the future – when the initial shock and hurt is a little less. Finally, go into couple counselling as this is extremely hard to do without help. You’ve also got to learn to say what you mean and stick to it – but I know this will be hard (because, like most men in your situation, you’ve spent so long pleasing other people.) Good luck.
Charity says
I too am in this situation. In March of 2013 I started seeing my now husband, 2 months into our relationship he confessed he had impregnated someone else. He had separated from his wife of 10+ years about 6 months previous to us meeting and had told me he had a “friend with benefits” that he said he stopped seeing after we met. I had asked him if we were exclusive and was told yes. He admits that he slept with his “friend” twice after we had started dating, one of them resulting in her getting pregnant. (We are pretty sure she did this intentionally, she also has another child conceived in the same manner). When he confessed about the woman being pregnant, he explained to me that he didn’t blame me if I wanted to leave but that he did love me and I was the best thing that had happened to him. I felt that he was truly sorry for what happened and that even if I did leave he had no intentions of being with her. He explained that it was just stupid and couldn’t really tell me what was going through his head at the time. I have been previously married and dealt with an infidelity so I chalked it up to him coming out of a marriage and things moving too fast with us that this was him panicking…. BUT now we have to decide what’s going to happen regarding this child that is going to be born. Needless to say it has been a very long 3-4 years…. The mother of the child has pulled some extremely nasty stunts on me (sending messages to my employer, etc) and my husband and everything has been a fight. It got to the point that she stopped letting us see the child at all, despite my husband paying a lot of child support and wanting to see his child. This continued for over a year and a half. We have spent thousands of dollars on lawyers. We finally filed a temporary hearing for visitation back in March of this year. It took us 3 months to get the ruling. We also got married in July of this year ( I felt like we had come a long way in dealing with everything at hand), and at that same time got the ruling that we could start taking his daughter every other weekend and one day a week. I also have 3 children from my previous marriage. He had none prior to this one. I feel like we have fallen into a pit now that we are taking her regularly. I think part of it is having to deal with the mother after she has been so unbelievably nasty. The fact that we had started a permanent hearing and we were going to go for 50/50 visitation and joint custody…. and now I’m having second thoughts about it. It is a lot harder now that this is a reality instead of just theory. I feel like my husband and I don’t communicate very well and this is an added stressor. I’ve tried to explain how this makes me feel to be raising someone else’s baby and the fact that he seems to chime in that I’m parenting her different that my other children which just makes me resent the situation and him. It has been a huge undertaking and I just feel lost and alone in my situation. We have started talking to a counselor also (she has told us we aren’t on the same page). We have talked about postponing seeking joint custody so that we can make our relationship stronger so that we can better deal with the situation over all. But I’m now scared my husband is going to resent me for not wanting his child around 50/50…. I’m also worried based off her previous actions that she is still going to continue to make things difficult for us, especially financially. The child also has a minor disability with her arms and her mother has used that to her advantage to get money donated and to also keep her on public assistance in addition to my husband covering her on his insurance. I just feel confused, overwhelmed, and don’t know what to do…..
Andrew G. Marshall says
You need to keep talking and talking and talking. If that’s hard, you have to go back to the therapist and use the safety of counselling to say what you’re both really thinking. It will probably help with your confusion too. Ask her to comment on what she sees in the room in front of her, what about your dynamic needs to be change, how good are you at listening to each other, are problems buried or do they escalate too quickly. If you can break the patterns, you won’t keep getting stuck in the same place.
Shelly says
I too am in a very difficult situation. My husband has a child that is now 4 and a product of infidelity. We are expecting our first child and he has moved the little girl into my home despite me asking him to wait until we have adjusted to our own family. He has never had any contact with her until now and its been four years. I still feel betrayed and it hurts to hear her call him Daddy.I know I sound foolish or even selfish, but her presence is a nuisance and so is he now. He lets the child consume all of his time. Its like I don’t even exist to him anymore. Considering divorce… any advice to help cope with this stranger in my house or my husband slowly becoming my roommate?
Andrew G. Marshall says
It sounds a really difficult situation. Your husband isn’t listening to how you feel. However, I wonder if you’re listening to him either. I wonder what would happen if you could hear each other and start to negotiate (rather than him imposing stuff on you). My other comment is that this is probably not the time to make big decisions about your future – like divorce. You’re going through a big transition (having your first child) and you will be feeling emotional (with all the hormones flooding your body). So I would try to keep talking in the next few months, listen to each other and keep your hearts open to each other.
Exhausted says
I have lost my faith in God and in the System. 4 years ago my son was diagnosed with cancer. 2 years into his treatment I found out my husband had cheated on me and that the girl was pregnant. She is and was married at the time they had their fling. My husband gave her the Plan B pill and after she told him she was pregnant her offered to pay for an abortion but ultimately the decision was hers to make and she decided that she would keep the child because she did not know who the father was and was currently petitioning for her husband to get permanent residence status with immigration courts. She and her husband were going through court for immigration so this would not look good to make a long story short she didn’t know who the father was and decided to keep the child and raise it as their own. She moved never to be heard from again until a year later when my husband gets a let in the mail from the child support after she decided to keep the kid so her husband can get permanent residence i.e. they are blatantly defrauding the system. My husband had to go to court took the DNA test and to our dismay he was the father. However she made the decision to keep the child for her own personal gain and defraud the immigration court. My husband brought up the agreement and decision that she had made to keep the child for that reason and he doesn’t see how in federal court the husband is said to be the father and now at the state court level she wants to get money from my husband. Essentially making my husband a by-product of her decision to manipulate the system. Furthermore after going to court several times the girl was showing up with her boyfriend!!! not her husband though they are still married and going through immigration process. The courts in the State of Texas did not care that this woman is defrauding the federal courts the judge said and I quote” I see at least 30 cases similar to this a week it doesn’t matter…..that’s why we are still in business” so basically the man has ZERO rights regardless of circumstances. Now he owes upwards of 100, 000 dollars that he will pay throughout the kids 18 years. While she still gets money from her husband her first babys father and her boyfriend. She does not work at all. On top of it all we just found out that our son has relapsed with cancer and will be needing a stem cell transplant with only 40% survival rate. We have to leave our city because its not offered here we have no money and now lies than ever seeing that he has to pay almost 700 a month in child support. At this point in time I feel like crawling under a rock in a fetal position. I’m lost ….im lost and so far gone that I walk around numb so I won’t feel the pain or else I wont be able to function….
Andrew G. Marshall says
Instead of crawling under a rock, find yourself someone to talk to. It could be a cancer nurse to support you through your son’s cancer. It could be a therapist about your husband’ infidelity. It could be a minister for your loss of faith. But if you hold all this in for much longer, you’ll make yourself ill. Use writing this post as a wake-up call, get some help and feel less alone with all this.
Perplexed says
My situation is somewhat different but yet similar. My husband and I married in 2012. Been together for 11 years. In 2013 he had to leave the country due to immigration paperwork not being processed in time. 3 1/2 years later, he’s still out of the country. I remained here and care for his elderly mother among many other things. His previous baby mama and 2 daughters whom he has always supported, live back in his country. Upon returning to the old country, he went directly to “see his daughters” and remains there still. I repeatedly asked him to remove himself from that house but there was always an excuse. He has not had steady work. It is extremely difficult to gain employment and even when possible, pay is very poor.
Baby Mama has always felt as if I stole him from her, she knew we were trying to start a family but sadly all pregnancies eventually ended in loss.
Several months after his return he admitted, drunk and doesn’t remember, that he slept with her. Approximately 4 months later, I confessed to him I had an affair. (It was vengeful and done in the utmost way to hurt him). For several months he was obviously angry and upset. He swore that from here on out there would be nobody else to come between us and that “we” (he) would be honest…. just the two of us working toward our goals etc..
Certain things weren’t adding up…. she wouldn’t work over there, she had headaches, it was hot in the kitchen. She thinks it was hot in the kitchen??? She should try working like a man in the southern desert in the middle of the summer.
I asked repeatedly if she was pregnant, if they were expecting a baby. Over and over again I was told, NO. don’t be ridiculous. Then it became, why can’t she work? is she home taking care of a baby? again, NO, what’s the matter, you have nothing better to do with your time than to make up crazy stories. Nothing better to do with my time? Taking care of his mother, him, his 2 (known) daughters, grandma and on occasion an elderly great uncle or aunt. Oh, run our business, pay all the bills, grocery shop, run mother-in-law to doctor appointments, and move everything we own out of my home bc landlord was stealing my money and not paying mortgage; and bc I had sent almost $7,000 to him in the first year and 1/2 that he was there and paid off a tractor for another $12,000, had no money for a down payment for a home.
His mother and I moved into a 1 bedroom apartment, upstairs, and she needs a knee replacement.
This past September, ironically enough, the day before the new child’s birthday I really began the hard press. Told him I didn’t want to speak to him until he was man enough to tell me the truth. Very defensively 2 days later he admitted that there was a child but was not forthcoming with the details. Then, after probing, I found out the child had just turned 2 the day before.
He is still in the house, but claims there hasn’t been anything between them since she got pregnant and didn’t tell him for months. He claims that he only loves me, well, with the exception of the time he had a slip and said, he loves me MORE than her. He claims he only wants to spend his life with me.
He used the excuse that he didn’t know about the pregnancy for like 6 months and then didn’t want to tell me bc he was sparing my feelings bc he knows how much I want to have a child and none of ours made it. He LIED to me for almost 3 years. Even telling me I was crazy and didn’t I have anything better to do than to make up stories.
I am so hurt; obviously. AS anyone would be. I have been supporting them all financially, to the point of my own health suffering. I have supported him and him mother emotionally. (and it turns out, she discovered the truth a year ago but was afraid to tell me) And the majority of his family knows the truth and nobody said a word. Nobody is really speaking to him. Even his mother doesn’t want to really speak to him. She told him, when he asked her, that she prefers to stay with me.
He is of course still banking on me forgiving him and not withdrawing his application.
I don’t know if I can ever forgive the lies. He knows for me LYING is something I abhor! And Being that there is a time frame on all of this bc of his paperwork, I just feel so pressured into being the good and loving person that I am but also the need to be true to myself and to not be a doormat.
They took advantage of me and I feel very used.
Worse, I have 4 days to make a decision for paperwork
Andrew G. Marshall says
I think that if you read back your post, you’ll know what to do. You’ve made your decision and you’re just trying to find the courage to go through with it.
vanessa says
im going through the same thing well it seems to be…the mistress is still pregnant and is not due until may. she claims it is my husband but they both were under the influence as well. my husband and i had a ruff year and we just shut down i guess you could say. something tragic happened with one of our children and he seeked out street drugs and i was trying to hold it together for my other children . As i was mourning over that i was trying to connect with him but he was already gone in a world i new nothing about and now it was brought to my attention through the grate vein that its his daughter. now he dont believe it to be true until a DNA test. i guess im trying to mentally prepare myself for the outcome to be his and still beating my self up in my mind that i should have done things differently but i dont think there is realistically there was an option for me. was just looking out for my kids and i couldnt change how he tried to cope.
The legal wife says
I just found out 4 months ago that my husband for 9 years has a 5 year old boy and a 1 year old boy with the same woman outside our marriage. I felt that I died that evening when he admitted to me because of a text message that I accidentally read on his phone that morning.he asked for my forgiveness, he cried about being sorry for his sins and that he does not want our family to be broken. We have a 7 year old daughter. I forgave him that night.He also said that this is the life he wants with me, his wife and our daughter.since that admission every night I cried Every night, I felt like I was nothing. He said that for those years the other woman has been threatening him that she will tell me about their affair, because of his fear of her threats that I will know about it, he just kept saying yes to her every whim. He told me that he felt he was an actor asked by the director (the other woman) to do whatever she says, wrapping him around her fingers. For many times he thought of suicide to end his difficult situation, not telling anyone about what he’s going through. Now that I know, he feels relieved and thankful that I forgave him but it’s the sadness and emotional pain that he has given me is the one that’s deeply hurting him. I’m just human it’s not all the time that I’m cheerful and happy, but when he sees me sad, that’s what’s hurting him so much.
Andrew G. Marshall says
Thank goodness that everything has come out into the open. It is a big step forward. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself to be ‘happy’ or ‘cheerful’ – you need to grieve and mourn for the life you thought you had.
Scarlet says
This is such an old post but I’m hoping to get some advice. I began seeing a man who had told me he was divorced for 6 years with 2 daughters. We were not using any birth control (my mistake completely) and I ended up becoming pregnant. Shortly after (about 5 weeks in) my roommate found out about his wife and that he was still married. Oh he had been divorced six years, from his FIRST wife. I screenshot everything and texted him that he owed me an explanation. The story turned to “We were separated, now she wants to work things out. I don’t know what to do.” Of course I advise him to tell her what is going on and beg that no matter what happens he won’t abandon our child. A week or so goes by and he informs me that he told her and he wants nothing to do with the child financially or otherwise. So I contact her hoping I can beg on my child’s behalf that we be civil. She had never heard of me before .He lied to me about telling her. I had blindsided her completely. So of course her natural reaction is that I’m a homewrecker who is being spiteful and just wants him to leave her and their child. I found out from her that he has ANOTHER child that he never sees (not from lack of trying according to him), that he had in high school. And she informed me they were never separated. He had lied about that too. Her logic is “He has two child support, plus he’s taking care of our child and we have a mortgage and bills…what do YOU want. You want him.” As if I had any say in his lack of disclosure. She kept saying this was my fault and I ruined her daughter’s life. Knowing this guy’s MO I’m not sure hes telling her the full truth about his affair with me and his lack of truth with me. Or maybe she really is just using me as a scapegoat for her anger. He’s been so sick in all of this, even going as far as suggesting he hopes this baby doesn’t go to term. He also gave me chlamydia, suggesting he was cheating on his wife far longer than when he was with me. Thankfully this man is in the military and will be held financially responsible. I contacted his command after he just repeatedly kept lying, something I told him I’d never do, but I felt like I had no choice. I couldn’t trust him. He was livid. Anyway, I’m thinking long term. My child is going to wonder who their father is. I’ve tried begging them both to keep in mind these kids are 100% innocent. His response was “Being involved with this baby isn’t conducive to my marriage.” Something I wish he would have considered before lying to me about his whole life. His excuse later was that he was scared I would “run for the hills” if I knew everything. Um, yah! I’m at a loss. A 32 year old man, a green beret no less…has no honor. I don’t know what to do . I’m only 18 weeks along and part of me hopes he and his wife have a change of heart and realize this baby did nothing wrong. I’m 23, trying to finish college, and I feel like I was cheated of my choice to be part of this ridiculous and disgusting affair. I’m heartbroken because my naivety now leaves my child with a non existent father. How do I deal with this? After the courts deal with everything, I planned on offering him and his parents contact with the baby then leaving it at that I feel like its useless. I find myself wondering for my baby’s sake if it’s better to know your deadbeat dad or not know him at all.
Andrew G. Marshall says
I’m afraid that the likelihood of him being part of your child’s life is close to zero. He will be trying to salvage his relationship with his wife – which is a really uphill battle – but most probably he will be self-medicating (and trying to feel better about his life) by talking to yet another girl and you know where that ends. Doesn’t leave much time for being a father to your child, does it? So what next for you? I would focus on your pregnancy, learning the lessons from this experience (why did it need your flatmate to be suspicious, I bet there was lots of clues that you turned a blind eye to?) and focus on finding a good man who is there for more than a bit of fun.
Beth says
Hi I’ve been with my boyfriend almost 12 years now. We’ve both been married before so we haven’t rushed to get married but we’ve talked about doing it a some point. Three years ago he was going through a very tough time with his now 15 years old son. My boyfriend’s ex wife made some accusation against him that prevented my boyfriend from seeing his son for over a year. During that time he was devastated because of it. He was very depressed and didn’t care about nothing else but seeing his son. During that time he travelled frequently trying to cope with the situation. I wasn’t happy but I know he needed some peace of mind. To make a long story short. I found out 4 months ago that during one of those trips he cheated on me and now there’s a 2 year old as a consequence. I can’t tell you how much it hurts. My boyfriend tells me it was an accident, that he was drunk and very depressed at the time. He doesn’t have a relationship with the girl’s mother according to him but he travels back to there every other month to spend time with his daughter. He assures me he loves me and there’s nothing to be concerned with. I’m trying to be understanding but I don’t know if our relationship is going to survive. I don’t have kids of my own and my boyfriend adores children so he’ll stay involved as much as possible but doing so means I have to accept this child and I don’t know if I can do it. Any advice would appreciated.
Andrew G. Marshall says
It is very convenient for him to say ‘I have no relationship with the mother’ but it is highly unlikely that she is handing the baby over on the doorstep and he’s going off with her somewhere on his own and then returning to the door step after the access visit to return his daughter. Of course, he has a relationship with the mother! What the full nature of that will be… we can’t know. But I would be surprised if she was not holding out hope for something more than co-parents and he was feeding that fantasy (if only to facilitate his access). Worse still, this is all happening in a different country and you cannot easily be involved in the access visits too. So the ‘full involvement’ option is not available and you say he will not go for ‘no contact’ – so the only option for you is an unsatisfactory muddle or leaving. A tough choice but one only you can make.
Lori says
I am in this situation right now and I am so lost, torn and devastated. My husband and I have been married 20 years, we have four beautiful children, 19, 17, 14, and 12. The two oldest know about the child and want a relationship. The affair was only a few months the same year my husband lost his younger brother and his mother was put in a home having been diagnosed with dementia and Alzheimers. The other woman worked for my husband and knew of his trauma and that he had a family. She lied to him about using birth control and even before the birth was threatening him to give her money or she will tell the company and he will lose his job. We are trying to put our lives back together but now that the baby is born, he has to decide whether to have a relationship with the child or not. I despise this woman who wrote him that she wants him to leave me but if he doesn’t leave she’s perfectly fine with keeping the affair going. I don’t know what to do as my two oldest want a relationship with their sibling and I don’t want to keep an innocent child away from its father, but I do not trust her and can’t stand the thought of him being with her again. Please help.
Andrew G. Marshall says
Firstly, let me share how sorry I am to hear that you’re in this horrible situation. Secondly, I think you need support for yourself – somewhere to off load all this pain. Having said all that…. you are going to have to let your husband make his own mind up what sort of relationship he would like. If you pressure him for no contact, and he goes that way, he will resent it and ‘blame’ you. As you can imagine this is not good for your ongoing relationship. Next, I would suggest taking off some of the immediate pressure. He decides not to see the child at the moment – this decision does not have to hold forever. He could start contact when the baby is slightly older and able to form relationship. I think the same message could be given to your elder children too. Perhaps when some time has passed and – you’ve had counselling – it might be possible for you to be involved with the visits too (and in this way you won’t fear so much for what is likely to happen between this woman and your husband. Although why he would want to pursue a woman who lied and tried to blackmail him, I don’t know!)
Lisa says
Thank you I really needed to hear this I’m going through something like this right now .
Pauline says
I’m depressed,I need help,my husband has cheated on me for 7years with the same girl,even now they are still together, but my husband keeps on saying they separated. The lady keeps on calling me telling me how my husband loves her,they spent so much time together as they are working at the same company.What can I do please help?
Andrew G. Marshall says
You can’t change your husband’s behaviour. You can’t change the other woman’s behaviour. The only person you can change is yourself. So what could you do differently? If the future holds seven more years of this behaviour, what would you do?
nakate shakira says
A women sent me a pik of my husband touching her stomach feeling the baby inside. I was shocked coz I dint expect this from him. He confessed that he loves the babies coz they a twins but he doesn’t love the woman. I don’t know wat to do
Andrew G. Marshall says
Is he telling you what he thinks you want to hear? I find it hard to believe that he loves the babies and not the woman – especially as when they are in her womb, they are effectively one and the same. So what should you do? Try and keep calm – I know this is hard but shouting will make him clam up – but listen to him, really listen (because if he has been lying about an affair, he is unlikely to stop immediately) and think through your options – carefully, slowly, go back and ask questions and then decide.
Deborah says
My husband has turned 60 this month. He had an on and off affair with an Eastern European girl for 10 years. Last may he left us for her for the 3rd time. My sons and I have been devastated. In September 2016 he said he knew he had made a huge mistake and begged to come back to me again. Once more I relented and let him come home. In November, he took me out for a romantic country walk and dropped that devastating news that she is pregnant. The baby is due in 30 days. He does NOT want our sons to know – they are 21 and 25 grown men!! His family will never know either he says……..
Yesterday she announced that she wants to move nearer to our village so that my husband can help out.
I am in the worst place possible.
I have always tried to find the good in people.
I took my husband back for the 4th time because I truly believed he loved me.
He says he is with us for love and that he only sees her once a week to make sure that everything is ok.
She is completely reliant on him financially. Says she has no real friends and that my husband promised her the earth and now he must pay.
I will be the one paying for this for the rest of my days.
I even offered to help, as long as she could see that we were a united couple and that we do everything together from now on. Well she has declined and said that she only wants help from my husband.
I have read again and again that the anger we feel is only natural. I too have cried myself stupid for days on end. My husband has said that he will not be living with her, he will come home to me.
Giving that the birth is imminent, when he goes to hospital with her, I will die once more and the anger will return.
Tried to be as fair as I possibly can but I just know that when he sees the baby he will melt again and she will try and ‘reel him in’ once again.
My husband does not make love to me anymore since his return and gets angry if I ask any questions.
I feel my whole life has now come to a standstill and I don’t know what to do.
I did not ask for all this heartache and mess and yet now I am expected to go along with everything.
My husband won’t share the texts, calls and emails. He hides his phone.
You are right about one thing – The husband lies to try and keep both of us – it feels like he has the best of both worlds.
30 years of being in love with the same man feels wasted.
The pain is unbearable
Andrew G. Marshall says
Sometimes I bury my head in my hands when I read the pain that some men put their wives through. I know you love him but you can’t cover for him (and hide this information from his sons). You also have to think about yourself too because it sounds like your husband is going to be drawn back to this woman over and over again. Can you put yourself through this coming and going yet again?
Deborah says
My dear Andrew. The baby has now arrived. She’s even named him after my husband. Same surname to boot! Yesterday she moved to a village 7 miles away. Now will be the ultimate test. She’s angry that he comes home to his wife. I notice little words like he tells her he must go home, he lives with me. Love is never mentioned. Yet when he’s home I just get told how much he’s missed me and how I can’t give up on him! You’re right in so many levels about them telling lies to keep both of us happy. He won’t tell our sons even now. For I feel that he will be rejected and that they will tell everyone. He spent the whole of last month with her preparing for the baby out of responsibility to her for the mess he’s caused. The hardest thing for me to deal with is what is he telling her? I have to work and now feel he can just pop to see her whilst I’m out all day? He says not but I’m just dreading the next few months. He’s renting a house for her for 6 months. I asked what happens in December when lease is up? He hopes she’ll move on. Mmmmmm
I said that after all this pain it was time for me to stop the train and leave for I know what’s going to happen. He went crazy saying it was you n me now. In this together and how he wanted to grow old with me!
The other woman is angry for most of the time but never the less keeps him busy.
In all my life I never have experienced such a dilemma. I can’t tell anyone of this as I know they would be so angry at me for tolerating this anguish for so long.
I do have self respect. I took your advice and asked him to include me as we are a united team but she won’t have anything to do with me. Standing back now but the trust is gone. I’m not a quitter. I’m a beautiful and kind person who always tries to find the good out of bad. My emotions are shot to pieces. I wish there was a little person inside who could tell me what to do!!
I can’t afford to leave and pay to go out into the world by myself but he should go which he definitely won’t leave.
He says he loves me everyday. But still after 10 months at home he can’t be intimate with me because ‘nothing works’!!
Never felt less like a loved person in all my life.
Andrew G. Marshall says
She will not move on in December. She is determined to see this through to the bitter end. He seems determined to come and go between your house and hers as he pleases. Unfortunately, you cannot change her or him. However, you can chose how you behave. For example, you can chose not to cover for him and tell lies to your sons (to cover his tracks). If he does not want to commit to his marriage – beyond telling you sweet lies – you can take legal advice and look into your options for making him move out.
Deborah says
Dear Andrew it’s now September. So what’s changed.?Well he drove her back to her native country. Took 3 days. They shared hotel rooms and he flew back to U.K.
My eldest sons best friend saw them together in the next town to us happily pushing a pram. He sent a photo to my son who drive 50 miles and eventually found his car and rang him. All he got was coldness and told to ring your mother!! As you can guess my son has no love left or trust in him. Leaving it all to me to explain.this was THE most dreadful way for our sons to find out but he never once asked them if they were ok. Even SHE texted me saying how she had begged him to tell our sons and how selfish he was.
Next week he has to go to Hungary and register the birth then drive her back to U.K. Once more.
Just had a holiday together which was nice but no physical loving, just hugs.
I did lose it after a year and asked him if we would ever have sex again? His reply was ‘who knows’?
Not much to go on is it?
My husband doesn’t talk about feelings as he’s emotionally detached I fear.
He’s asked me to be with him when he tells his 92 year old mother!! I just can’t be there. It’s like I’m a prop for him. Good old D she’ll be there for me!!
Once again I get ‘it’s just us now’
But I feel so utterly used and he’s sucked every ounce of kindness from me.
Andrew G. Marshall says
Sorry but you can’t be his prop, so tell him ‘I’m sorry it would be too painful for me to help him tell his mother’. It’s not your job to bring him out of his emotional shell or manage his feelings. Your job is to look after yourself and if that means taking a holiday from his self-imposed crisis, well that sounds great to me. It sounds like you need to recharge, so go to a spa or have a girls weekend away – anything to recharge your batteries and if you find him ‘draining you’ put up a sensible boundary. (See my book Wake Up and Change Your Life’ for more about this) In a nutshell, for example, I can’t manage your relationship with our sons, if there’s a problem pick up the phone and You talk to him….
Vince says
Hi, I see all the women sharing their stories about their husbands on this platform so I’m not too sure if men are welcome to share their stories. In contrast, I am a married man myself with 2 beautiful kids with her and she just found out that I have a child with this other lady whom so happened to be my business partner. the child is now 3 years. This has broken her apart and I am so so responsible for the let down. I do not have any contact with the lady for the past 2 years apart from the day she requested money for school. I do not want any contact but unfortunately there is a child.
I’m torn apart because I love my wife. The only reason I kept this from her was merely because I did not want to hurt her but eventually she found out. She went through my phone while I was asleep and she found the latest conversation I had with the lady. As much as I feel destroyed I know my wife is worse, and to be honest I have never suspected any infidelity from her.. I need help because she is the woman I love but now she left me and she is currently at her mother’s house.
Jamie Callion says
Hi. I’m going threw this right now. My husband has been working in Costa Rica. We are from Florida. I just found out he has a 1 yr old with a Nicaraguan woman. We have been married for 32 yrs. She is 32 and my husband is 56 .. I can forgive him but I’m afraid after reading this.. confused
Andrew G. Marshall says
No wonder you’re confused. It is hard to get your head round something this big. Keep talking to your husband but don’t forgive him too quickly…. It sounds like a gut response rather than one which comes from having looked at all the implications. I think his behaviour moving forward and how open he is about any communication with the OW will have a big impact on how you feel. So give yourself the gift of time.
Amber Mason says
My husband cheated on me 8 years ago and got another woman pregnant, I forgave and after the baby was 4 months old she let us see the baby at her leisure,my husband didn’t want anything to do with the baby,I did everything for her,I even moved my work schedule around so I could watch the baby for the mother,whom was also married and had 2 kids!her husband left her! The mother often started fights with me cause she didn’t want her daughter around me,after 3 years of hardly ever seeing her my husband and her came to an agreement that if she didn’t go for more child support he wouldn’t pursue visitation! Now almost 6 years later he wants to see his daughter and I feel like he’s not because he doesn’t want to hurt me!our 2 sons know of their sister and know someday they may see her again but I feel I’m holding them all back,but really I’m the only one who ever took care of that baby though it killed me what he had done it wasn’t her fault!
Andrew G. Marshall says
Firstly, I think you have done incredibly well. You have been kind and generous. But it sounds like nobody is telling you that…. so I will. Fortunately, this time round the child is older and that makes visits much easier – as the mother does not need to be present. Keep talking with your husband, let him tell you want he wants. Have a long think about what you can manage and what will be too hard for you. Explain your position and see if you can negotiate a way forward. It will take time to find a compromise so be patient and slowly a solution will emerge.
Oor says
My partner’s infidelity been going on for decades and I least looked the other way. We have two children together and when I found out about he fathered a child from a “one night stand” which I found out when the baby was 3 months old. For over a year we been lying about the whole pregnancy and when the baby came the other woman demands him to come clean with me and his family which I didn’t at first as I was the one that found out from an email sent from other woman.
When the secrets was out the other woman wants all of us to be involved in her son’s life and she thinks it important to her that her son know his siblings and father’s side of the family. A bit pushy yes!
Now he wants to be part in the little one life who’s now 6 months old. For me he’s not part in the little one life but also the mother which mean time taken away from my kids whereas he hardly have time seeing them enough as he’s working away on a cruis ship with 5-8 days away each time and only sees us one evening between trips.
Honestly I understand he wants to bound with the little one but is the mother that I don’t trust as she interferes too much even they both say they’re not looking to be in a relationship but have to be involved for little. I mean how is that going to work with my family and my daughter who is 9 years old will never understand this.
How can one fix this family when he lets the other woman decides in most things.
Yes first she said one thing but than do the others as always comes up with conditions and my partner accepting it since he doesn’t her to disappear off with his son.
Andrew G. Marshall says
Remember there are two viable long term options if a man wants to stay married. Firstly, he has no contract. Secondly, you are completely involved. In other words, you come along to these access visits (and see for yourself how much it is about the little one and how much the other woman). Meanwhile, he is hoping to find a formula that will keep everybody happy (and will end up making everybody miserable). It sounds like you need couple therapy where you can talk through the options and you can decide what you can accept and what you can’t – and he can decide what his next move will be.
Brokenhearted says
I am I this very scenario and yet I beat myself up everyday. I cry and yet and still I can’t get over the fact he was unfaithful to me. I love him,but I love me more. I’m pretty lost on what to do other than cry.
Andrew G. Marshall says
That’s OK. You’re in shock. Give yourself time and when you’re stronger you can begin to talk to your husband and decide what to do next. You should also consider talking to a therapist because if you tell your family all the details they will pile in with advice and push you to make decisions that you’re probably not ready for yet.
Jamgirl40 says
I am devistated!!! I married a narcassist! Married him in May 2015 the BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE! The relationship was full of abuse and abandonment. I forgave and allowed him back as to hope for change and better days to no avail. In March I had a miscarriage.. During one of his numerous up and moves He weaselled his way back in my life we lived together in another town which was 2 hour drive from work one way. I had just recently found out about one affair he had where he begged to forgive me for agreed to only find out he tried to talk to, the woman he was asking for forgiveness for, her friend on PLENTY OF FISH!! Also informed he was on other dating sites! I was driving 2 hours working at 12 hour shift a total of 14 hours away from home to get home and be beaten and mistreated. I left I didn’t want to be hurt anymore. He won me back with tears and promises. Bought a car so he can get to work and all. 3 more weeks pass and another woman says she is six weeks pregnant!! Further explains she knew nothing about me she was in the home and a certain time she had to leave because he worked at night. The truth was I was getting off from work and be home. This devistated me again as we just lost our child in March this year the pain was unbearable…I was lost in a state of shock he lied and denied it went as far as doing a 3 way call and telling her it was NOT his baby in front of me… Months past he became distant. Found out he was seeing her STILL behind my back and they had been intimate he was playing and living a double life.. As time passes he would lie about working out of town I would barely see him so filed for divorce he won me back did not want to sign papers wanted to work it out.. I was dying inside as time pass the pain eased up. I accepted and made arrangements for the baby he finally admitted it was his this November. His phone was open I picked it up three women s numbers were in the phone!! He sat there and said oh I’m telling them we’re together blah blah blah then he got angry and violent!! So tells me that I have a right to call her and I have a child together then in the same breath says oh you believe anything I only have the one you already know about!! He continued to mistreat then make up sex.. I decided to find out the truth for myself turns out this is a SECOND child due weeks apart from another woman she got pregnant in May also. I m gone✌!! My days are spent up and down with my emotions. I want no part of him EVER finalizing my divorce!! There is no reason a man should have any communication with the expectant mother I believe she should go through the girlfriend or wife. Also I see these stories please everyone educate yourself on narcassim. And don’t ever deal with a NARCASSIST!
nomag says
I just find out my husband have a 6yrs old child out of marriage like have two boys one is 5yrs and the other is 11yrs l don’t know how to deal with the whole thing lm hurt,shutterd confuss like don’t know weather to leave for a while just get away from this situation it will help
Andrew G. Marshall says
If you need time to get your head round this – that’s perfectly understandable. Explain what you’re doing to your husband, so he doesn’t leap to his own conclusions.
Jane says
My husband had a long term affair with his 20 year younger and married assistant. I am roughly aware of the time the affair went on before I found out. During that period at lesst one, if not two, daughters, were conceived and born. The woman’s husband believes the two daughters are his, and has raised them. This is most likely a case of paternity fraud, for one or both. By now they’d be around 25 and 27. Things my husband said to me around when the second child was born (when I didn’t know) caused me to have little doubt that he is the biological father of the second daughter. I found out about the relationship when she was about two. Once I found out I had an explanation for why on separate occasions I found disposable nappies in our garbage, a baby’s bottle on the kitchen floor, a red baby’s dummy on the front path and an unfamiliar child’s toy in our car. It became clear that my husband’s work assistant had been bringing the child to our house to visit. He shed tears for the child when I found out, so must have bonded with her. As a result of tensions between him and his assistant, after I found out, he left his job and went to work in another city about four years later. He has never admitted it. He still lies to me about it. He refuses to discuss it. I am sure he is still in regular contact with the children’s mother. I doubt they have ever been out of contact. It makes a sham of our marriage.
Andrew G. Marshall says
I’m really sorry to hear your story. The big question is what are you going to do about it? Can you continue with someone who refuses to talk about something so important and continually lies about it?
Joleen Ed says
I know that this is a old post and I hope you do get time to reply or even see this. I have been dating my boyfriend for almost 3 years. I just found out that he had a baby with another woman just this February gone. She called my phone and told me that they were together and we were sharing the same man. I went to his house and of course she was there with the baby and him also his roommates. There was a fight between my boyfriend and I. Of course she got pregnant the first year of my relationship with my boyfriend. His side of the story is that he was at a cooking job and got drunk and they hooked up. She wanted an abortion but it didn’t work so the baby came along. I don’t know what to believe. I went to my counsellor at my university and she told me to talk to this woman to hear her side of the story. My boyfriend says that she is trying to break up our relationship. I am wondering if I should talk to this girl to find out her side of the story. I have decided that I won’t make any decisions until I get to the bottom of the story and when I feel comfortable to do so. I had my cousin call this girl and she told him that they were still together. My cousin told me that she sounds crazy and just to wait it out. For almost a year now my boyfriend has been talking about getting married in 2018. Even after I found out he is still wanting us to be married. Its very difficult for me to talk to him because he gets upset when I ask or I’m venting about how I feel. I don’t know what to do even though it has been 2 months since I found out. I have stopped seeing my counsellor and looking for another…plus it is expensive to see one. Should i seek help for just me or both of us together. He is willing to see a profssional. I dont know how to navigate this. I really feel like I should leave because I do not deserve this but I am invested in him both emotionally and financially even though we do not live together. Should i call her or text her for her side of the story as advised by my counselor. I suffer from depression and all of this has made it worst and I’m barely coping and he just doesn’t understand.
Andrew G. Marshall says
If he is willing to see a therapist, I think this will provide a platform to talk about what has happened. If he is willing to listen, open up and explain (rather than getting angry) that’s a good sign but if he just gets angry with the therapist or blames him or her for making things worse, it would tell me is that he is someone that buries problems (and that’s not a good formula for a happy marriage). As for talking to the other woman, you need to be aware that she is not a neutral witness and will have an agenda. However, I have known some women who have found it helpful – they’ve been able to cross reference her story with their husband’s and she if she is a threat or not. So I’m sorry on this one, I’m throwing the decision back to you.
Joleen Ed says
Thank you very Much. I have made an appointment with a therapist. I really hope this works and he said he will make the time to come./
Patricia Jones says
Last year I found out my husband cheated and have a 2 years old at the time and was making a monthly payment to his mistress behind my back and now the fact that he finally told me the truth in a argument last year this year he wants to finally go and see his 3 yrs old daughter at in other state should I let him go by himself or go with him to this first reunion
Andrew G. Marshall says
There are two options – and after thirty years working on this I feel it stronger than ever – if he wants to stay with you, this is done openly as a team with you both going to see the child (at least while he or she is so young that any visit involves the mother) or there is no contact whatsoever. If he wants to visit the child alone, that’s fine but he does it as a single man (because your marriage would be over). He will get angry and blame you for being unreasonable but take no notice. He created this problem for himself and he has to sort it out. Offer couple counselling to talk through everything but there are only two choices – if you stay together.
Lucy says
my husband has a child with the mistress ,and the mistress approach me telling me that she is pregnant with my husband s child now she took him to maintenance Court ,but my husband is denying that it could be his child and he meet her once and used only I am confused with this, but the woman says he told her the wife passed on
Andrew G. Marshall says
You can have two liars on your hands. Your husband and the other woman. I hope for your sake it is the other woman. However, if he disputes being the father, the courts will require a blood test and the truth will be out.
Benitha says
My dad cheated on my mom and the mistress insults my mom and they send nasty phone calls to her she is doing voodo against us and he acts so diffrent
Jen says
I know this post is old and I don’t know if anyone still reads it, but I’m in a unique scenario myself… Last year, my husband of 5 years when on a business trip to Germany and had a 2 night stand with a woman. They traded email addresses after the first night… She emailed him a couple months later saying she was pregnant and had to tell Germany authorities who the Father was. She wanted him to keep it all a secret from me and wanted him to secretly travel to be with her. He kept all this a secret from me until I found the emails recently. It’s been rough and dealing with a lot of emotions, but I made a commitment to stay with my husband. He’s trying to take responsibility and is trying to get paternity confirmed, but she’s not being very helpful now. Since he told her that I know about the affair and we want to be a part in this child’s life, she has become very defensive… Calling him a stranger and begetter. Not really sure what to do now…
Andrew G. Marshall says
Sadly you’re not in a unique situation because you’ll see from the comments on this blog post that there are lots of people in the same situation (and even though it’s an old post it gets almost weekly comments from other people joining this horrible club). The most important thing to realise is that you cannot control the other woman… every time she does something defensive, angry or weird repeat the mantra: I can’t change her (and you will save yourself a lot of heart ache). Stick to your guns, if your husbands wants to stay in your marriage all contact with the child – while he or she is still small – will involve you too. (When the child is older and can make arrangements independent of his or her mother it might be different.) Whether the mother really wants her child to have contact with his or her father or just wants to draw him away from you will become clear over the coming months – but remember ‘I can’t change her’. She will try to manipulate but stand firm. Finally, I would suggest you have couple counselling too – because there will be lots of strong feelings to resolve (and in my experience it is also a good idea for your husband and yourself to have some individual work). I know this sounds a lot but straightforward infidelity is painful enough but you’ve been through extreme betrayal and therefore will need more support.
Jen says
Thank you. We are attending marital counseling and we are each in individual counseling. After finding out everything, my husband had admitted to having a sexual addiction and I had also learned that he had meet with prostitutes last year. Everything seems like a mess, but we’re putting our faith in God that He can carry us through this. I understood when I decided to stay in this marriage that I’d be taking on the role as a step mother and I’m trying to embrace that and support my husband with everything. My husband and I have agreed that I will be a part of every contact with this woman. We’re really not sure how we’re going to be a part of this child’s life when don’t live in the same country, but we know the child is innocent in all this and she deserves a mother and father… But the mother doesn’t see it that way and continually says it’s “HER baby”. I know I can’t change her, but not really sure what will be in the best interest of the child.
Andrew G. Marshall says
Thank you for your feedback. It is amazing how often a sexual addiction is found in this situation. Keep talking to each other. I wish you all the best.
Embarrassed says
I’m in this situation now. Our kids are almost out the house and my husband just told us he has a 22 year old pregnant. Our oldest daughter is 22! I’m so hurt so confused and I feel so dumb that Im considering to stay.
Andrew G. Marshall says
If you’re still in shock – which it sounds like – now isn’t the time to make decisions (either to stay or go). Give yourself time to let everything sink in. See how your husband behaves. Does he genuinely seem sorry and is ready to step up and sort out this problem? Alternatively, does he just bounce around – agreeing with the last person who spoke? How do you feel? Speak to a therapist to help you process everything. Slowly but surely a way forward will emerge either with or without him.
MICHELLE says
My husband and I have been married three years. I found out five months before our anniversary that he fathered a child from a one night stand who preys on married men. Other than pray, I am at a lost. We have started Christian marital counseling, as we both want to save our marriage, but this is a hard pill to swallow.
Andrew G. Marshall says
I am pleased that you’re getting help. Work on improving your communication, listen to each other and be honest about your feelings – both the anger and the love. If it seems a bitter pill to swallow, it might be that you’re forcing yourself (or he is) to agree to too much, too soon. I say this over and over again but it bares repetition. This is a long-term problem and it will take time to find a way forward. Be patient with yourself.
amanda says
my husband of 11 years had a month long affair with a 20 year old (we’re 36/37) that has resulted in a pregnancy. Although I’m reading this for the first time today, the last set of options is the path we have chosen to take. I asked my husband to stay for a month after I found out… just so we could think and talk and then go from there. Because he never left, we were able to talk things through and he is now at the point where he wonders what he even saw in her / what he was thinking. His conclusion is he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, and I feel the same. She is still in shock realizing he isn’t leaving me. We aren’t sure what will happen next. We’d both love for her to allow him to be a dad to his child and are already supporting her financially (minimally). I guess as stated in the article, every solution is temporary at this point. thank you for the advice. it’s the best thing I’ve read. In many ways, I feel like this whole thing has brought my husband and I closer together. I’m sure once people find out they will think I’m insane for staying with my husband. (not many people know including my family). I feel confident about my decision. I feel nervous about what is to come in the future. I don’t feel anything for the baby other than if it’s my husband’s baby, then it’s my family. What makes me most nervous is how the mother is going to act. she’s very immature and obviously has no respect for me or our two daughters. they are doing okay. they know what’s going on, but they know Dad’s not going anywhere, and we still love each other. He has told me many times that he isn’t interested in being with anyone but me moving forward. He says he realizes now how much it messes everything up and he wishes he had never done any of it. I’m not sure what the point of my comment was now… maybe just, thanks for the great advice. I can’t believe how many people are in the same situation as we are.
Andrew G. Marshall says
First off, I want to congratulate you for taking time to respond to your husband’s stupidity – rather than acting first and thinking later. The strategy really seems to have paid off. Well done. You’re worried about the future and that’s a very reasonable think to do in a situation like this. However, as you’re discovering, worrying achieves nothing – beyond cutting hours off your sleep. The best way to deal with anxiety is to focus on today and practice mindfulness. I recommend the book ‘Things you can only see when you slow down’ by Haemin Sunim and ‘No Mud, No Lotus’ by Thich Nhat Hahn. I use many of these principles in my book ‘Wake Up and Change Your Life’, I think you’ll find that helpful too. As for the child’s mother, I think you’re right to have low expectations of her ability to co-operate and her overall maturity but if you can be patient (which will be tough), she is more likely to calm down and respond to polite kindness with something beyond anger.
Unnamed says
My husband and me did love marriage in 2009 .My husband is a father of 6 year old child. He has been cheating on me from last 3 years now. His parents love me and my child very much. He is a liar. I have caught him many times…that girl is unmarried and staying with my husband in some other apartment. From last six months my husband is telling me that he will be back and we will stay together again. But he is still there. He comes every weekend at our place,meet his parents,his child and goes back. What do I do? Every day I am in tears and completely clueless.
Andrew G. Marshall says
You can’t change your husband but you can change your behaviour. If a visit from him leaves you in tears, how would it feel to say: Sorry but I don’t want you here. You can take our child out somewhere and you can meet your parents in a cafe but I have to look after myself (and I can’t be around you if you continue to live with someone else).
Nicole says
Going through this now as well and I can’t even believe I am writing here right now to be honest. I’m so good at Keeping everything to myself and not speaking up so I blame myself somewhat for this situation. My husband had been messing around with a coworker for a couple years and I found out probably over a year ago. He of course said it was over but it continued. I found a card, a letter, a photo and it was like she just kept coming back and he would again tell me it had ended. Obviously that was a lie. Then in December 2016 I saw some texts and realized again that it never ended. I had her phone number at that moment and I could’ve called or even texted her but I did nothing like a coward. I just confronted Him and that was it. Why I didn’t reach out to her I don’t know but I greatly regret it now. So then in January 2017 he leaves one night only to come back crying and confessed she just told him she was pregnant. Now I do believe that I’m lucky in that he told me literally right after he found out and he did not keep this from Me for years but it does not make it hurt any less. I never have seen him so distraught as he was that night. He told me that he doesn’t deserve me, that he loves me and he is so sorry that he ruined everyone’s lives and he understood if I left him. I chose to stay with him and work on things. I am trying to be strong but daily I find myself struggling when I see children or anything small. We have no children of our own and have been trying for four years. I have a condition that causes infertility and need IVF to conceive. So my pain is three parts. I’m trying to deal with the affair, deal with this woman carrying my husband’s child and dealing with the loss of me giving my husband his first born child. The incredible pain that comes with infertility is just the icing on the cake. This woman gets my dream and what I want more than anything. She already has 4 of her own. Not only did she try and take my husband from me she robbed me of my dream as well. I am struggling to learn to forgive and trust again.
Nicole says
I forgot to mention the child is due in October and he just told his family a few days ago. How am I going to tell my family this? I feel like they’re going to hate him and they’ll instantly judge me for not leaving. I’m also having a hard time understand why my in laws haven’t reached out to me after they found out. Maybe they just don’t know what to say so they figure it’s better to say nothing at all.
Andrew G. Marshall says
You’ve learnt something important from this horrible experience, if you feel something strongly (like you want support from his family) you should ask for it – rather than suffering in silence. So give his mother a call and break the silence, she’ll be pleased that you have and you’ll be pleased too.
Andrew G. Marshall says
I am so sorry to discover that you’ve joined this not very exclusive club and it must be doubly painful if you have infertility problems. Although it is good to learn from the experiences (and not to push things under the carpet), please do not blame yourself for your husband’s behaviour. It is his responsibility to be honest about his feelings and to be faithful – not yours. So be kind to yourself and get plenty of support.
Nicole says
Thank you so much for your feedback. I’ve been beating myself up for a long time about this and how I tend to make myself a doormat to other people. I give give give and they take take take or so it seems. I’m just so dissapointes that I’ve been literally screwed and she gets a blessing of a child?! When I want nothing more than to be a mother. It makes me sick honestly. I hate when good people have to suffer. I think I am a good person and I don’t think I deserved this at all. I keep wondering why god is punishing me and what I did so wrong. When my husband learned she was pregnant one of the first things he said was wow this was a big life lesson and I do truly think he learned a lesson about honesty and his behavior. We are just trying to take things one day at a time. I know my day will come when I get to be mother. It will.
Crystal says
I too have been in this situation for 6 years now. As I type this my husbands child is in my Kitchen eating dinner. I have been with my husband since we were 16 years old I am now 37 we have been married for 10 years. He had an affair with a coworker and conceived a child. We have three daughters together… he has no contact with the child’s Mother, I handle everything.., she and I communicate weekly. It’s hard but I do what I got to do because I chose to stay with him so it was only right that I accept his daughter and take care of her as my own. I was once a child of infidelity and didn’t meet my father until I was 35 years old.
Crystal says
I know the pain and I wasn’t willing to take her through it knowing how I felt growing up. I understand all you Ladies pain, it will get better if you both work together to make the marriage work. Sending out hugs and blessings to you all.
Andrew G. Marshall says
Thanks for another view on this difficult situation.
Ilse says
Me and bf have ben living together for 6 years have a child of 3yrs old and almost a year and a half ago i found out bf cheated and got other women pregnant. Long story short you already imagine the devastation, we went to a counselor and seeked online advise. We went on a mutual agreement were bf would not have contact with other child. The problem now is the mother in law is involved in other childs life, invites other women over to her house for the baby, posts pictures of the other child on social media, does not respect mine and bf decision in fact states in a angree tone that i didnt let bf see other child and he listened to me etc. While i decided to not confront mother in law (so i didnt throw a friend in the bus bcus she had the conversation about the baby with mother in law) because bf is the one that cheated and had baby not me he should be the one to give explanations or give the face NOT ME. If anything i was the good person for accepting her son back in my life after the affair with other women. I felt like my feelings were not heard and now shes making me feel like the bad person in the story to her family and the other women plays the victim. Keep in mind the other women kept saying she dis not want bf to be a part of her babys life. It was all a lie and her plan to have my bf beg her but since she dis not get her way she had to message him to see the baby with urgency once born. If anything i was the one that would tell bf to go see baby and ask for her etc. Once we seeked professional help regarding affair and baby bf stopped seeing baby after her 3 months and sister of other women texted me to bully me and ask for an explanation on what my problem was it drove me insane that they dear send me the wife” when they were the ones who gave me a heartache. I decided to ignore and block and she still took the time to locate me somewhere else on social media and was so mad that i didnt answer to say what was i going say demanding for a answer but again she is nothing in my life i do not need to tell her me and bf went to sicologist and the reason we are doing things as long as me and hik know the truth and bless the child because another man can walk in and wont have to sacrifice his own family. But my question is how does bf not see baby if mother law is interfering ? That doesnot seem right for baby to see mother in law and not bf. It looks like she is kind of pressuring bf to see baby because posting baby on social media and then lying about who bby is because noone knows of her sons affair and wants to protect son but posting pics when she knows me n bf dont see baby is disrespectful and unneccesary. She knows what she is doing. And bf knows he will see baby whenever he wants to but i dont push him bcus he wants to stay focuses on healing first and whenever the time comes to see her i nees to know if its ok to let him see baby but me not being involved with babys life. Also wanted to clarify bf called mom and let her know me and him agree on everything together and its not me forbidding him to see his baby that he will when the time comes. But how do i deal with so much disrespect form mother in law. Obviously i will never tell her to stop seeing baby out of my reach she can do as she pleases but also she excepts for me to be ok with her i have feelinga and just proved to me how important of a role i plates as her sons wife… any advice?
Andrew G. Marshall says
I would focus on healing the wounds between you and your boyfriend rather than getting consumed by what his mother or the other woman’s family are doing. I know it will be tempting to try and get your boy friend to control his mother’s behaviour but she sounds beyond reason and arguing about his mother will just drive the two of you apart.
Libuseng says
On 2014/I find that my husband was cheating on me and now he have a child with that lady.every month he pays 1000 for maintanence.bt still I find that he still cheating with that lady sometimes he don’t come home after work
Jo says
I found out just over a week ago. The difference is he says he loves her and wants his new family.
I have had no option but to let him go. I sm struggling with the loss of 16 years together and i have two small children at home who i am explaining this to because he is not here to deal with it.
Whilst i want to hate him and cannot get my head round this i still desperatley love him. All i keep thinking about is everything we’ve lost. I thought he was my best friend and although things were tough after he lost his Dad i kept trying to get close and communicate with him.
I also went through a bit of a depressive phase, pressured job and kids and probably didn’t give him the attention he craved. The more I tried the further he pushed me away. I now know its because of his new relationship. At home he was Angry and resentful of me and the children.
I know he was also unhappy in his job and i tried to help him get a new one and booked course so he could retrain. The whole time it was too late because he had her.
I also asked if he wanted to seperate or go to counselling etc because I could see unhappy he was. Again he said no and shut down.
After i caught him out lieing to me and he confessed it took a further 3 days to tell me his mistress was 5 months pregnant! At the time of the original confession he just told me he loved her and wanted to be with her. So I let him go, what was I suppose to do?
He went straight to her and has been there ever since. I have taken time out with the kids away from the family home in an attemp to put myself back together. I’ve told him i won’t use the kids as weapons despite how betrayed, confused and disposable i feel.
I just cannot understand what he thought was going to happen when the baby was born? Or why he didn’t take me up on my offers of out prior to this?
He didn’t beg for forgiveness or want to make the marriage work despite our history and this hurts the most.
She must be so amazing for him to not give me or the kids a second thought.
I am left reeling! Feeling bereft and wondering what more I could’ve done. I know I am not blameless but i just thought it woukd’ve been worth addressing the issues instead of this complete catastrophy which has ripped the family appart.
I know i just have to pick myself up and get on with my life for the kids. What else can you say?
Andrew G. Marshall says
What did he think would happen when the baby was born? If he’s like the men I have counselled in this situation, he probably kept his head down and focused on getting through the day and hoped something would turn up! Why didn’t he take up your offers of help? Sadly the ‘man code’ says we’re not supposed to have problems (because we’re strong) and if we do have them that we should sort them out ourselves. Men only come and see me when they have completely crashed their lives. Women arrive when they see trouble up ahead. So the other woman is not amazing, he is a drowning man clutching at twigs in the hope they will save him. Don’t beat yourself up, this is more about him than you. Be kind to yourself and find a good therapist so you don’t let this eat you up.
Jen says
Hi Jo,
You were me 16 years ago, and I’m so so sorry, I understand your pain and suffering, but trust me it will subside and some days you wont even think about it believe it or not. You must take care of yourself first, this is empowering beyond belief. When you put yourself first in all decisions you become a better more capable mother to your children and begin the process of healing. For me this new strong independent hopeful woman was attractive to my husband who suddenly came crawling back on hands and knees, to a woman who was nothing like the needy dependent girl he left behind. This changed the dynamic of our relationship and I with my new sense of purpose and power was a force. I made the decision early on, I wanted zero contact with this child, her presence in my family was non negotiable, the ball was in his court. If your husband has a change of heart which is likely please contemplate your choices and do what is best for YOU and your children. Best of luck to you, with compassion and love -Jen
Rori says
My husband had an affair with a girl from his home town, 4 hours away last September. He told me this afternoon few days ago, the woman had a baby girl who is 3 weeks old now. This hurt me deep because he already has a son from before we met. We have been married for 3 years 8 months and we have been trying to get pregnant on and off (I’ve been studying for past 4 years my course ends November), unsuccessfully. So now I’m starting to think that I have infertility problems.
During his confession he expressed how the child cannot live with us, but later explored the idea of us raising the baby. According to him the mother of the baby is in university, at a different town, so she left the baby with her mother. And husband says the baby was sick when he saw her because they started her on the wrong formul. He also said the grandmother is too old to look after a baby. He wanted the baby to initially live with one of his cousins.
I don’t know how I feel about the situation because throughout the beginning of the year I noticed he had changed . He could not longer stays in the same room with me or with any of our close friends. He couldn’t even stay in church until late it was time to go. I have been angry about those things all year long, I have no more anger in me. He would go back home to his home town for lame excuses and attending all funerals out the blue. I don’t want to read into what he was really doing at home possibly with his new baby mama. I do believe that the guilt was tormenting me everytime he saw me.
But now I think I’m crazy because I want to raise this little girl, my husband is currently unemployed and has been for 2 years. I provide for us, but I don’t want to provide for another girl’sbaby, who knew very well that my husband is married and didn’t see anything wrong with it. I don’t hate the baby it’s the mother that I don’t care for. If she is willing I wiLl gladly take in the bab as my own. Because I know the baby will continue to suffer because her father is unemployed just like her mother.
My husband asked the girl to send pictures of the baby to my WhatsApp. And her statuses are about her little princess and how she’s the world to her, but her I am daydreaming about taking her world from her.
Because that’s all I’m willing to offer ….all or nothing.
Husband is not allowed to talk directry with the girl so he is waiting for a response from the girls mother if we really can have the baby.
I’m confused by myself!!!!!
Andrew G. Marshall says
Before you do anything else, please take legal advice. What it sounds like you’re considering is a private adoption. Is this legal where you live? What will the rights of the mother be? How can you look after yourself…. because you could bond with this child and a year or maybe five or maybe never, the mother will turn up and want her back. How will you feel then? So speak to a lawyer and soon. His or her questions will help you take a step back and consider all the implications. This is not something to rush into. No wonder you’re confused!!
Terese Iervasi says
I just want No part from a lieing cheating bastard who fathered another child but he doesn’t get it
Jo says
Thanks for your response its been very helpful. Although now he has done a 180 and decided its me and our life he really wants.
I want to believe this so much and try to put things back together. I have had time to reflect and read some of your books which i have found valuable. I need to know it can be done if both parties are comitted to putting the work in. I still have that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach and think we need proffesional help to explore the options.
This is incredibly personal and would like some advice about finding the right kind of help and counsellor preferably in the north of England. Any suggestions would be most welcome.
Andrew G. Marshall says
Glad to hear about your positive progress and 100% back your decision to get help. Sadly I don’t know anybody in the North of England so can’t recommend anyone. If you are interested in skype counselling with one of my team, go to the Private Counselling section of my website and my Practice Manager will be in contact.
Jen says
16 years ago my husband’s girlfriend had his daughter, and I was a wreck. Nothing could be worse, the pain is a scar I carry around to this day. She was perfectly aware of me, and our children, and her motives were clear, going out of her way to flaunt it in my face and cause me as much pain as possible. So when I found out, she was 8 months pregnant I was done mentally, I pushed him away, to her. I started the process of moving and when it became abundantly clear that he was losing me, he was full of remorse and begging to make thing work. I left the state and he followed me and our children. My way of dealing was this: If you want to be a part of the child’s life, be my guest, but you will not be a part of mine. I was perfectly capable and willing to go on without him, but the ultimatum was me or her because for me the child is a physical representation of the betrayal and the pain. Honestly, I believed that he would chose his daughter, but I was wrong. To this day the door remains open, he can have a relationship with her if he chooses but that decision will have the consequence of losing me. It took a bit of time and a couple relapses but ultimately he cut all ties with both his child and her mother. Child support payment are the only link between them. My decision was to protect me at all times first and foremost because no one else was. The problem is now this 16 year old girl is going to come looking for her father and her sisters, and she’s not fully aware of the circumstances of her situation, I know this because her mother reached out to me to apologize and ask that I lift the visitation restriction. This young girl is going to be more hurt knowing the truth, I hope it doesn’t have to come from me, but if she asks me I will tell her as compassionately as possible.
Andrew G. Marshall says
Thanks for sharing. It’s good to have the long view (and I think it will help other people to hear that there might be slip ups but your husband did make a choice and stick with it). As well as thinking about the girl, I think you should consider the impact on your own children of her turning up (and how this will impact on their relationship with their father). I would suggest seeing a therapist and talking over what and how you will tell this girl…. in this way, you will discover if there is still some buried hurt that will make you tell the story with more emotion that you mean.
Chan says
Me and my husband have been married for 9 years. It wasn’t always good. I felt it going down hill and decided it was time to let him know. I was tied of walking around the house doing the same thing I needed something else. So as I told him we needed to get help or we call quits he told me that he has a daughter. At first I thought I was hearing things like I couldn’t understand. Come to find out she is a year old. I haven’t stopped crying yet. My 4 year old son keeps asking me am I ok I try not to cry around him. He keeps saying he wants to rebuild our relationship, but to me it’s dead. I think I could have dealt with the cheating part because people make mistakes and I could have dealt with the fact he was emotionally attached. However what I can’t deal with is that he had an entire person. He had the little girl that I wanted he keep saying we wasn’t ready for another kid i see why now. He says the girl doesn’t want anything but for him to spend time, but how could she want that when she knew what the case was. Every time I close my eyes I’m alone with my thoughts so I just stay up and look at tv or webpages on coping with your husband cheating. I haven’t eating in days I’m throwing up when I think of him and I’m drinking heavily. I want to send my son away to my parents but that might have them asking questions which I don’t want anyone to know. I am at lost for words and what to do. I never thought something like this could hurt so bad, because I thought my husband could never. I guess I was completely wrong. I think I loved him to hard and put him on this pedestal as if he couldn’t do any harm. I think the most hurtfully part is that I don’t feel like he cares. I mean he is like a robot all these year’s he never showed emotions but I thought this would be the time to show something anything. I haven’t been through all the stages yet of coping i just know righy now im in disbelief. If you have any advise it would be greatly appreciated I just need something to help get through the day. Thank you.
Andrew G. Marshall says
It is really important that you find someone to talk to, share the pain and slowly find a way forward. I would suggest a therapist so you can talk over whether you are going to tell your parents or not…. I think they should know what is going on – but explain that you don’t want them to take sides and tell you what to do but to listen and offer practical support. You can’t do this alone. Please get help and slowly but surely you will come out of this nightmare.
Michelle says
After 20 years in our loving mattage , tonight I found out my husband is father to a baby girl of four months old, we have been passing some very difficult times which had reflected on our intimacy . There is no affair the mother doesn’t ( at the moment) want him in the child’s life. My husband loves me and I him. Am I normal? I understand what’s happened and am tending to decide to re-build our life together and feel to encourage him to have contact with his daughter!
Andrew G. Marshall says
There is no right or wrong way to approach this dilemma. You have to do what feels right for you. Good luck and don’t lose sight of your needs in all this.
Ericka says
I met a man with four kids I was 21 at the time he was 26 , we’ve been together for almost 4 years . Last year I left out of state for three days he decided to not go on this trip with me and I became very angry we argued and I left without him two days past and I received a call from him at 3am he had been drinking and he was accusing me of sleeping with my ex while he was away , this was not true because I never did came to figure out that two days after I was out of town he had slept with the mother of his kids I came back and he was in my home I told him to leave I didn’t want to see him , he came back the next day and I found out he had gone back again and stayed the night at her house with his children he claims he told her that it was a mistake that he only did it because supposedly I had done it to him , I feel it is just an excuse i forgave him and tried to work this out it has been over a year now we’ve had a child together but still to this day I can’t get over him doing it to me especially with her I really don’t know how to deal with this I know he has his children and I’ll have to deal with her the rest of my life it really seems impossible because I can’t get over what or why he did this to me can someone help me please I’m at the point of just giving up because it’s always in my head I love him I really do I’m trying to forgive him but I just can’t get over it
Andrew G. Marshall says
Does anybody have any suggestions of what to do? If you do, post them here…
Jen says
I would suggest that if you are both interested in continuing the relationship there should be no contact with the mother of his children without you present, every single time. Even if he must call her you should be there until you have had some time to heal. Eventually after much time (probably years) you may feel this level of scrutiny is not necessary, but until than he must demonstrate willingness to accommodate your needs until you have regained some level of trust.
Gloria says
Currently I am numb I don’t even know if this pain of finding out my husband has been cheating me for more than 5 years and even has a four year son with his mistress! He has been providing for them in everything they need. Following my investigation of his cell phone bills and bank account statements I confronted him December 2016. He said the affair ended in October and was very sorry . However due to exorbitant and unexplained expenditures on his bank account and monthly payments for a flat I had to confront him. My husband is unemployed, so I am the bread winner. Therefore I demanded to know what that woman was having on him that even he says they are no more together but still support her like his wife! That’s when he told me he has a four year child with her!
Andrew G. Marshall says
I’m not surprised that you’re numb. It’s probably because the full anger and rage has not come through yet. How dare he keep lying when he was confronted in December? How dare he steal from you? How dare he hold back the crucial piece of information that he’s had a child with another woman for four years? You can see how I’m getting angry on your behalf. Next, you’ll probably find sadness but you’ll no longer be numb and perhaps then you can begin to think about what you want to do next.
Carol says
In January I found out that my husband of 28 years had cheated on me during an overseas trip. The woman is 22 years younger and his cousin’s sister in law. He told me it was a one time thing. The problem is during that one time, she got pregnant and had twins in December. One of the children has a cleft palette and needs medical assistance. Over the last 8 months, I have worked on forgiving him and even mentioned that I would be willing to adopt the girls as our own. Until 2 weeks ago, the woman called me to tell me that the relationship continued even after I found out in January. It’s wasn’t a one time thing. When I confronted him, he said he did it for the girls. He has made 3 trips this year and saw the girls and their mother almost daily. He tells me he’s trying to do the right thing for the twins. I understand that he needs to support his daughters, but my fear is that his visits (without me) will further continue his relationship with their mother. He says he wants to be nice – so he can stay in contact with the kids. I’m torn! After discovering his continued lies, I have changed my mind about adopting the girls. I’m no spring chicken and my kids are almost out of high school. He was furious when he found out that she called me and told her not to think that he was going to run into her arms if we divorce. But in the end, contact with her will never end. My head is spinning!!! What do I do?
Andrew G. Marshall says
You start by putting down some red lines: rules he has to stick to if you’re going to stay together. The most important one is this: he can see the children but you have to come too. (In this way, there will be no more ‘playing at relationship’ with their mother behind your back.) If she doesn’t want to go along with this idea, then he has a choice: no contact with the girls or no marriage. Tell him if he sneaks behind your back to visit again – without you – that you’ll take that as ‘no marriage’ (and start divorce proceedings). Think about what other red lines to keep your sanity and try to stick to them. I know this sounds tough but it’s better than your head spinning round and round.
BWill says
I’m not sure if anyone still uses this forum. But, I don’t know what to do. My husband of 1 year (together for 4 years) has been having an affair from the time he said “I Do”. All the women he’s slept with knows he is married, and they do not care. He doesn’t have a job, or a GED, which I was helping him to acquire. But every time I thought we were moving forward, I saw that he was still communicating and having sex with numerous women. I would always ask him before things got too far, ” Are you cheating on me”? Begging for honesty. And he never gave it to me after promising he’d never let a women tell me something about him I didn’t know. Well, that was until he got caught, which he ALWAYS did. Either the girls would contact me on Facebook, or called my personal phone number. Anyway, that led to me filing for a divorce. We have been living seperatly for months and he did admit he was having unprotected sex with some one but he promised me she wasn’t pregnant, and he had stopped seeing her for weeks. He says she told him she couldn’t have children. (Maybe she told him she was on birth control too)My final hearing is in a few days. I was thinking of withdrawing because I’m not ready to leave him. Until this morning. The emergency room department called my phone and asked for my husband. A nurse got on the phone and talked to my husband about his “fiancée ” who was too weak to talk on the phone and had given the nurse permission to disclose important information. It turns out, the same girl my husband told me about, lied and said he was her fiancé and the nurse told him she was pregnant and said how far along she was. He denied it, much like he does everything. He’s begging me to stay with him. I can’t deal with this “new” baby and I’m 5 months pregnant by him as well with this pending divorce hanging over my head. Should I just go through with it? Or wait a while? He told me she was promiscuous and sleeps around so it probably isn’t his. What do I believe?
Andrew G. Marshall says
Your husband sounds compulsive that he needs the buzz of lining up sex partners, the boost to the ego and the temporary high of illicit sex. I would question if he is a sex addict and whether he has problems with alcohol, street drug,s gambling or porn – because addictions often come in clusters. I’m also concerned that he is not taking the possible child issues seriously and minimising it with ‘she sleeps around a lot’. I would read up about sex addiction and see if the picture fits his behaviour. If I’m right, there is no point him coming back unless he’s in a treatment programme (and sticking to it).
Hurt & torn apart says
I’m currently in this situation. My husband told me 2 weeks before we married in 2015 that he had been having an affair for 6months, we spoke and he told me it was over and we went ahead with the wedding. In Jan this year I heard him on the phone to someone when he was drunk saying he had already told her he would stand by her and the baby! I was heartbroken. I had had my suspicions that he was back with her but I had no proof. I confronted him and it all came out, they in fact hadn’t ended the affair at all and were now expecting a baby, he had been living 2 lives. Time passed and things were far from easy and to be fair life was hell at times as we fought but we agreed to work through this together, properly this time.
My husband started seeing a councillor for other things going on in his life and it seemed to help him get back on an even keel on his way of thinking.
He and his ex (it hurts so much to even say that) had a huge argument and she said she wanted him to have nothing to do with the child ever. The baby was due in August this year and he found out through a third party (a ‘mutual’ friend of theirs) that the baby was here. 6 weeks she has been here as she had an emergency c section and Thursday last week she contacted him and he went and saw them and didn’t tell me. He said he didn’t want to tell me in case it didn’t happen, he didn’t want to upset me if nothing was to come of it (I kind of understand this). I thought I was hurt by the affair and the finding out she was pregnant but I am literally torn apart and destroyed by him now having contact when we had moved on with our lives.
I can’t stop crying. I am so hurt and lost, I don’t know what to do.
We have a little boy already and we were trying for another and now ‘its not appropriate’ and I am left with wanting my own baby so much and know I am now not going to have it. We had both resided to the fact he was never going to have contact so we moved on with our lives together and things were really going well until Thursday last week. I now feel like we are back to square one.
I am petrified of them having contact, I am petrified of more lies.
I know it is not the babies fault but I just don’t know what to do.
He has told me he can not and will not walk away from this baby and all of this situation is his fault and I should never have been in it and for that he says he is truly sorry.
I am just so worried of what my family will think, especially my parents and sister, I can’t bare thinking of how on earth I am supposed to bring this up! I can’t cope with trying to get my head around this baby, them having contact, my feelings, our little boy and what people are going to think. I don’t want to leave him as I do actually love him as silly as that sounds.
I just don’t know what to think, what to do or how to feel 🙁
Andrew G. Marshall says
It’s all early days so you’re bound to be all over the place. Be kind to yourself and don’t expect too much. However, I’m sorry your husband’s excuses for not telling you about visiting his ex lover and the baby do NOT hold water. He was back acting as if in affair mode: two separate worlds which in his bubble don’t impact on each other. Even if he was THINKING of seeing her he should have discussed it with you. There are only THREE options. Firstly, he has no contact with the OW and baby (beyond financially) and by this I mean no texts, facebook pictures etc. Secondly, he can see the baby but ONLY when you are present too and completely involved seeing all communication between him and his ex. (Even better, you and her arrange could all the visits directly). Thirdly, you split up and he’s free to see the child as often as he likes. I’m afraid the current version: he says one thing, does another, you find out later will make your life (and his) a misery. It will take time for you to decide if you can do option two or three. It will take him time to decide how he is going to respond. In the meantime, find someone who you can talk to and get support because it’s going to be tough.
Anna says
I would get a divorce immediately. There is no way in hell I would want anything to do with a bastard child.
Raven says
My husband cheated on me multiple times on a cruise (which i assisted him to apply and get being that we made plans around the job) and i have each time through the pains tried to work it out. But what hurts the most is after taking measures to finally making a baby together, he instead used that moment to have, according to my knowledge, the first “unprotected sex” with one of the coworkers. Whats worst is that after finding out she was pregnant and offering a choice to abort the child which she said she would keep, they were still having sex for 3 months, even after he confessed over the phone when it first happened. When he came home, i was torn on so many levels i cant even explain. Relunctant to save my marriage and to see if it was something wrong with my ability to have kids, i actually got pregnant too. I found out when he went back on the cruise. At that time “she” left the job. However the stress was overbearing, not to mention he was checking up on her still and i couldnt control the situation because it was a long distance away from him: i lost my baby. The pain was even harder to bear after this. Imagine we were working on having OUR first child and along came this stranger who took that from me and gave my husband his first. I believe she wanted to have him for herself at the time. Also, he shared personal things that he would share with me with her. He never seemed to be comfortable with any other female other than me but to me it seems he was comfortable for the 1st time with this stranger which hurts more. He said he didnt want her he only wants me and that i am the only person in this world he would marry. We now have a 2 yr old and ditched the long distance relationship (thereby giving up on our planned goals and starting over with different goals which also is another chunk of pain having to change our plans because of that dilemma). I dont think he understands how broken up i am from everything, and then some and expects me to be over it by now?? So he can go search for the other child when i think he should build a better relationship with the one thats in front of him along with his wife who is still standing by him?
Help me idk what to do. I feel like giving up at this point now that he has brought it up. We have known each other since we were 12. I now feel like i have nobody. I feel like hiding in a hole forever.
Andrew G. Marshall says
There is a lot of loss and pain in this post. You really need to talk this over with someone because holding onto this has become too much of a burden. Use posting your problem as the spur to really listen to yourself and get counselling, speak to your pastor or a trusted friend.
Raven says
Thanks for your reply. I recently confided in a close relative. Now to my dismay, he has found contact with “her” by social media. Apparantly after introducing your 3 options to him, he still wants to take it up on himself to get in contact with the child. I am not fully over the pain of the situation, plus now having to deal with him corresponding with the same woman who has cost us our marriage (i know he is at fault too). He didnt tell me this part about him finding contact with her just recently (couple days after announcing that he wants to be in the childs life). I happened to see the notification on his debice by mistake. He isnt regarding that it makes me uncomfortable. He doesnt want me to be involved by seeing what they say to each other in the inbox, even if i agree to this communication between them, which i think is my right as his wife. What do you think? Does this mean divorce if he has made up his mind to create an account behind my back and even after finding out, he still will correspond whether i like it or not?
Andrew G. Marshall says
If he wants to stay married to you and see the child, he’s got to do it in a way that is ‘safe’ for you. That means ‘yes’ you do see the messages but if they are only arrangements to see the child – that’s no problem. I promise you he’s won’t like this and she won’t like it… but he has a choice. Be firm, don’t expect him to be able to stick to his resolution (there will be false starts). I suggest getting some couple counselling where you can talk about this more calmly than its possible to do at home.
Claudia says
This is never gonna be over. The visits, different opinions on how to raise a child, baby momma in the picture. I’m blessed with my baby’s father literally disappearing from my and my daughters life, I know he’s alive but never contacted him since we broke up……. in the other hand babymother has an “important label” couse “baby’s father alouds it. Lets be honest, if you don’t wanna have anything with baby momma/dad you just don’t do it and leave it alone like two adults but when is an oviously relationship involved that took place for the baby to be born so there’s no other explanation than to admit these item have more than just a child in common specially coming from an “accident with the ex” lol “accident” good luck
Tany Quintero says
Good afternoon;
I am encountering this situation at this instant. My husband of 2 years and 8 years together, we have two boys been cheating on me for the past year and half, discovered it immediately, I spoke with him about it and changed his number multiple times. We did marriage counseling and the only thing that I heard from him during the session was that I always nagging but he does not have anything to say about me because I am perfect for him. Well I found out about 7 months ago that this person was pregnant had a girl, I did confronted him several times but he lied to me even though I had evidences to proof his infidelity. He will asked me for my car to go visit a friend but it was to go see her, he even paid her cellphone bill once with my credit card. He only will see her once a week. I discover some pictures of him hugging her belly about 3 weeks ago, one Saturday he came back home from seeing her and was treating horrible that night, I had it and showed him the pictures, that’s when he kind of realized that he couldn’t continue lying to me anymore. He stated I don’t know if is mines or not, but he will still manage to go see her after this encounter, I did told him that he needs to make a decision because it’s unethical to keep feeding her and my mind with lies. Last night was the worst of all, he took my car because he went to see his cousin that just arrived to our city, I said ok, next I know he is calling to tell me that he is on his way to the hospital because his baby was going to be born, I am so overly upset, I can’t stand the fact that he not even consulted with me first before heading the and why the heck he needed to be there with her. I even spoke with her about it and told her that she need to go back to her husband and leave mine along that was here decision a grown woman that had 9 kids prior to this one, to get pregnant with a married man, she even apologizr to me several times, I don’t beleive her, apparently she don’t care who she destroys because she still calls my husband. I can cope with his betrayal, I prohibit him to say anything to our kids because we spoke in the past about having a girl, wanted to be the one who will bring that special smile to his face and now it has been taken away from me. It’s hard, I can’t sleep, eat or cope, I feel abandon and lonely, even though he told me that he is not leaving me, that he loves and all that nd, I don’t know what to do because I do love him but I want to run away. Please help me, I don’t know what to do next.
Andrew G. Marshall says
If you want to run away it’s probably because you need to get away, take stock and talk to a good and trusted friend. It will make you feel less lonely. When you are stronger you can decide your options but remember if he is going to continue to lie to you, you will not be able to trust him and without trust there is no relationship.
Anja says
I have recently come to this situation. I am in so much pain I don’t know what to think. He wants to be involve in the kids’ life (yes he had 2 with her!). The problem is we are now living in a different country. How can you be involve in the kids’ life when you are thousands and thousands of kilometres away? I told him to stop communication so we can start healing, he refuses. I have no problem with the kids contacting him when they are older. At the moment they are still young that hubby has to go through their mother. Forgive me but from the start, I know she had the kids to win him. He can’t be physically there for them anyway. I don’t kn ow whether I am just being selfish or what. What I do know is that it is very painful.
Andrew G. Marshall says
You’re not being selfish. You’re in a lot of pain and you want it to be over as quickly as possible. Unfortunately, it’s going to be a long haul. Of course, he can’t be involved – beyond in the most superficial way – in his kids life if he’s so many miles away. However, it’s going to take time for him to come to terms with this. In the meantime, the two of you need to find a way to talk to each other – calmly. You’ll need help with this, so I suggest booking some sessions with a marriage counsellor.
Mayelin says
I absolutely love all the advice you offer, it truly helps me out a lot.
At this moment my husband told me that his mistress told him he was pregnant by him and he wanted to know if I would accept that baby, but to be honest I don’t know if I could.
I have done so much to try and save my marriage and this has just torn me apart. I feel confused and like maybe divorce would be the better option. We currently have 2 small children together which I did not want to have to come from a broken home like my husband and I. I told him he first needs to make things clear with her and make sure she understands he is married, has a family and is not going to leave me for her as he tells me wants the marriage to work. I asked him to give me my position as his wife and that I should be respected even while we figure all of this out. I do feel she intentionally got pregnant as she has known about me this entire time and has not cared to back off.
I need help figuring things out. I am being polite like you have adviced in your articles and I am not being pushy, I do not want to force him into anything or make him feel something he is not feeling.
Andrew G. Marshall says
I have read both of your posts and it seems your husband is giving you a clear message: I love you both. I want to stay with you but I want you to accept the other woman. She is giving a clear message too. She phoned you so you would know about her. She has allowed herself to get pregnant. She is not going anywhere. So I think you do need help to consider your options. I don’t see you husband being able to give her and the child up. I can’t see her agreeing for you to be involved with the child as it is clear that she wants your husband and is no respecter of the fact that he’s married. So I’m afraid there is probably a big gap between what you would like to happen and what is possible.
Jojo says
These women r the work of the devil.my husband was depressed when he had his affair not 1 but 2 kids this person say she had from him. She tried to him put in jail, she would come to our home while we sleeping We sold our home. I wanted to hurt her so we moved out of state to avoid this crazy person
Sharleem says
I thought I was in this position all by myself. My husband had an affair for three years , the mistress had a baby and name him after after my husband. I have been trying to get pass all of this , but my husband continues to lie and even bought a secret phone behind my back. I just don’t think it’s healthy for me to stay. I need help.
Andrew G. Marshall says
If he can’t be straight forward and truthful then telling him that you don’t want to stay in the relationship is probably the right choice. It could make him realise that you’re going to allow him to ‘keep his options open’ – something I find a lot of men do in this situation – he will either ask what he can do to save the relationship or let you go. My guess is he will try to keep you, so have a long think about hat he would have to do to make you stay and how you’re going to be certain he will stick to this plan. Good luck.
Paige says
My husband found out this summer that he has a son one day younger than our son. We had broke up because “he wanted to see other people” I didn’t know they had been dating while we were dating and I sure didn’t know he was screwing her. Fast Forward 4 years later she called him out of nowhere and told him about, again! Yes she told him when she found out she was pregnant but she was living with another man so he didn’t think it was his. Anyway that phone call has led to 7 months of an emotional affair that I can prove and a sexual affair I can not. I want my family and I do love him but honestly nothing feels right – I don’t know whether to stay or go. He is wanting to build a relationship with this child he has missed out on for 4 years and I encourage it but I’m still not in a good place with her. She also doesn’t want the child around me because I don’t want our child around the homewrecking whore and honestly has no reason to be. My question is how can I get past what I heard and saw knowing that they will always be connected. Everyone has said he should only contact her for him but I don’t think I will ever be able to trust him again and he is not open to me having passwords and such so still ways to hide things.
Andrew G. Marshall says
You’ve answered your own question: nothing feels right. He is going to lie because he wants to continue his affair and keep his family. You can’t change his behaviour – however much you want to – but you can change yours. So what’s in your power? Your behaviour. Your reactions. Your decisions. So focus on what you can do differently and stop monitoring him (you know already that he can’t be trusted).
Jojo says
The only way it will get better you have to Pray ask Father God for help mistress. No where in the Bible does it say husband n wife kids plus mistress and illegitimate child and I stand by this
Nicole Richardson says
My husband has a 9 yo son from an affair and I just found out about. This child has a mother that is very bitter and angry. She waited this whole time to put him on child support, supposedly because she could not find him. My world has been turned upside down with this. To top off everything my husband has to work on the weekend to pay for the support and it leaves me to plan activitives, picking this child up and spend alone time with this child. All along with dealing with his mother. I feel like i am about to lose it. Is there any help to getting my world straight again?
Andrew G. Marshall says
I’m not surprised the mother is bitter and angry and I’m not surprised that you feel the same way. So how do you get your world straight? This is a tough one because you need time to express all this pain, get over the shock and come to terms with what has happened. Sadly, I don’t think your husband will be much help because he is probably overwhelmed with guilt and shame. So let’s jump ahead to after you’ve unloaded some of the pain and you’re feeling a bit stronger, I would try and form a working alliance with the other woman ( let’s call it a business ‘friendship’). You could bond about how you are both angry with your husband. Once she has off loaded a bit, been heard and feels her feelings are OK, she will be easier to deal with. After all, it’s not you that she’s truly angry with! Hopefully, this will make it easier to plans times when you’re not left entertaining the child alone. I would get support too from your friends who have children of a similar age so that you can double up events with them – so you’ll have a supportive mum with you and the child will have more fun. Keep telling yourself, I have nothing to be ashamed about. In fact, you should be proud about how well you’re doing. Hopefully, when you’re down, you can reach out to your friends to sound off (rather than keeping it yourself). I would also like you and your husband to get couple therapy so you can talk through the impact on your marriage. So in a nutshell, my advice is to open yourself up to the hel[ that’s out there and if that’s not enough, you can leave saying ‘I did my best’. Good luck and lots of caring thoughts sent in your direction.
Ashton says
My now ex and i were together 6 years… He cheated on me Multiple times with multiple women that i didn’t find out about until after it was over. I only know about The last one who he took our son to meet then told me that my 4 year old son was a liar when he told me about her. When i was 3 months pregnant with our daughter he left and told me he was living in his dads camper (2hrs away in the same city as her) and we were just taking some time apart. He’d moved in with her and was already pregnant with his kid. I was 2 months further along than she was… Then the day before my daughter is born he begs me to change the name we had picked out for her and to not name her that (this was just in may) cuz his stepdad died that morning and he was upset etc. It qas just her middle name so I agreed for the sake of his pain… 2 months later when the other baby (who i didnt know about until a month after she’d been born) was born… He gave her the name as a FIRST name that he’d begged me not to give our daughter. He doesn’t ask about her or anything and after all this he still had the nerve to call me a slut for finding a new boyfriend when I was 8 months pregnant when he’d been cheating for years now he’s telling me its all my fault he was a controlling narcissistic asshole. I am SO bitter and angry and resentful and even worse the homewrecking c**t KNEW about us and our family and that I was pregnant and she just didnt care. She chose to be an accomplice to tearing our family apart and he tells me not to blame her and to Blame me and him only. I say f**k that. She knew. She is responsible and im so angry and bitter and I hate them both so much i want yo get extremely violent and I am NOT a. Violent person and I just do not know how yo deal with all this hurt and anger and rage even after I’ve been with my new man who is AMAZING and treats me and my kids like we’re pure gold. ‘Im still hurt and angry at the exes betrayal and I want to hurt him.. Badly. And I dont know what to do…
Rolando Reyes says
Iam a father that is in a situation that has had child out of marriage 17yrs ago and it broke my wife heart. Now iam in same situation again and don’t know how my wife is going to take it. She is still going through the pain from the first child. Please advice what to do don’t want to loose my family.
Me says
I’m not sure you’ve learned your lesson… I’m sorry but if you didn’t want to lose your family, you would have acted differently. If that is what you still want- you may need to make some sacrifices
Sky says
Hi im 25 yr old married woman i been married for 5 yrs and have two children with my ex and me and my husband tried to have a baby but never did this year he cheated on me one night and told me and she got pregnet with my husband i been through ultra sounds and blood work and dont understand why cant get pregnet with hem but she did one night makes me think im only ment for my ex
Nikki says
I’m in this situation also. We were married for 7 years when he had an affair and she purposely got pregnant. I went through a very hard time! I had just lost my job, my elderly Mother was sick and I was helping care for her, then at the same time my grown son got into trouble and went to jail. Therefor, I was also taking care of my granddaughter part time . I felt that I had lost everything. So betrayed at a time in my life when I needed his support more than any. Fast forward – I found out about them, then the unborn child. At first, I was angry, humiliated, embarrassed, and ended up having a nervous breakdown. I finally decided when my husband told me he wanted “us” to make our marriage work. That’s when she became psychotic. She wants him to leave me, will not allow the child around me, sends nasty texts, voice messages constantly. He has to go to her home to visit the child which means he’s with her too. Now I forgave them and decided it was not the child’s fault and love him like my own. You’re exactly right when you state the whore wants “her family”. Never ending. Been nearly 3 years and still same ole stuff. I love my husband , would never make him choose between his son and I, but the baby’s mama keeps him dangling by a string like a puppet. I know they talk many times a day, and feel that they should limit contact unless it’s about the child.
I told him that I felt like a mistress in this mess because he lies to her about doing things with me. I have to be quiet when she calls, yet when he’s there, he won’t answer my calls or messages. Facebook- They are friends, but he won’t accept me. Has a seperate phone that I don’t have the number to and will never let me hold his phone. Says nothing going on, but then why should he care if I look? He can look in mine anytime. I start counseling next week because I too feel that I’m going to blow my top. No one knows how this feels unless you’ve been through it. Still love my husband, but I need to get back to loving myself more so that I can live my life and make right decisions. Forgiveness, was the beginning of my healing, the pain – I’ll never forget.
Andrew G. Marshall says
I think it is really important that you’re going for counselling. I hope it will help you find a way to ask him for help coping with this situation – calmly and without causing an argument. Use your counselling to think of what will help and what to do when he asks for things that make you miserable (like having to hush in your own phone) or violates your principles (like secret conversations with the OW).
Bethany says
My husband of eighteen years had an affair and has had two children with this girl…..i just recently found out that both are his….This affair lasted for 6 years and I was oblivious to whay was going on….I am 37 and he is 12 years my senior…this girl is 24 and they met when she was just 18….I don’t know what to do….
Andrew G. Marshall says
Take your time. Let the news sink in. Ask questions. Listen to your husband. Share with him my post and ask which option he is going for: no contact, end marriage or involve you. When you know more, you can make up your mind…
Caroline says
My bf of 11 years told me he cheated on me 6 years ago and as a resulted has a 5 yr old son he didn’t know about. My bf & I are high school sweethearts. We’ve been together since we were 16 years old. As we got older we had our ups & downs as all relationships do. At times we felt like we’ve outgrown each other but remained together because we love each other. 6 years ago we were 21 & in college. We attended different colleges so it had a big impact in our dating life. We were seeing & interacting less with each other but I never thought much about it. He never expressed how he felt so it never crossed my mind that he would cheat. According to him, one night he got drunk & ran into a childhood friend. (That childhood friend also happens to be the girl he lost his virginity to & briefly dated right before he met me). They go back to her place & have sex. When he wakes up the next day he realizes what he’s done & never speaks to her again. Fast forward to 6 years later, the childhood friend contacts him via social media saying he’s the father of her 5 yr old son. He’s in utter shock because she kept it a secret for 6 years. He takes a paternity test & the child is his. Her excuse for not telling him was because she think he wouldn’t want to be in the kids life because he’s in serious long term relationship with me. She also didn’t want to be labeled as a homewrecker. He told me 2 days after the paternity test confirmed he was the father. My whole world caved in. My bf & I weren’t getting along previously to this life changing event. We weren’t communicating and angry all the time. But it didn’t hurt any less. I feel betrayed. I feel like I got robbed. I feel ashamed that I didn’t know this happened. How could this be my life? I can’t stop crying & over analyzing everything. Im suffering from anxiety. I can barely eat and sleep. I’ve lost 14 pounds in 10 days which I know is not healthy. But this whole situation has made me sick to my stomach. To makes matters worse I’m already dealing with depression because my father passed away 6 months ago.
Since the day my bf told me, we’ve been talking about how to make things work.
We’ve been talking everything out and we’ve both been patient with each other -even though I still have a lot of doubt and I don’t trust him anymore. I check his phone everyday and it always makes me angry. We promised each other we would communicate more and be more honest.
I also feel angry toward the childhood friend but I feel like I’ll never get an apology from her or get passed the anger. In the past 6 years she could have said something to us but instead was being selfish because she wanted to protect her image. I’m also angry that my bf only told me he cheated because he found out he had a son. I feel angry that a child didn’t have a father. I’m angry that she robbed him from having his first child.
I must admit my bf and I relationship has gotten better because we’re communicating more but the hurt and anger is still there. He’s excited to have a son but I’m hurt it’s not mine. (We don’t have any kids together). I hate that he talks to her everyday. I know it’s in order to get in touch with the child.
And I know he made a mistake when we were young but the hurt is still there. At times I don’t know what’s real or what’s fake. Is he lying? Is he withholding information? I’m always questioning myself if I made the right decision to stay and work things out. I’m ashamed to tell my friends and family. I want to work things out but I have so much doubts. How do I move forward from this?
Andrew G. Marshall says
So what should you do? First of all, be kind to yourself. You’ve been through a terrible shock. Your father died recently and that is a huge loss (and discovering you won’t be the mother of your boyfriend’s first born is another loss). Please don’t beat yourself up for ‘not knowing’. How could you know? Second, I am impressed that your boyfriend told you so soon after he found out. A lot of men would have tried to keep a secret. Thirdly, I think you should consider telling family and close friends. It will make you feel less alone, have someone to talk to and stop you going down rabbit holes (like wishing she’d told you sooner) where you can’t change what has happened. Thirdly, please accept this child is not a reflection on you. It is about your boyfriend and his ex-girlfriend’s behaviour.
Once you’re not carrying this secret alone, it will be easier to bare and if you are still having problems – which will only be natural – I would recommend getting some couple counselling.
Good luck and once again, please be kind to yourself.
Elaine says
My bf and I have been together for 7 years and we live together and he cheated on me with his mistress and she had a baby last year making him 8 mths today…my bf hide this for over a year and didn’t come clean until this January. He tells me when he goes there and when he calls her so I am informed but the issue is she’s taking advantage of him and is making him feel guilty of the baby if he don’t come help her out. He told me he begged her not to have the child and she had it anyway so she did it to keep him around forever. Problem is he spends 5 time a week there and don’t come home claiming he’s there for the baby. Keep in mind I don’t know if that woman knows he’s still with me. My bf spends 3 times out of the week home with me and then the rest to help her and the baby claiming he wants to “bond” with his child otherwise the child won’t know who he is. But to me it’s like she needs to know I’m in the picture and he can still spend hours with the baby and come home and still the baby will know how he is but no he spends days there. Tell me this isn’t right is it?
Andrew G. Marshall says
Five times a week to ‘bond’ with the baby. It sounds a lot to me. She doesn’t know that the two of you are still together. It sounds suspicious to me. Are you sure he’s not just continuing his affair with her? I know seven years is a long time to spend with someone but do you really want to continue when he seems to prioritise her over you?
Andrew G. Marshall says
He is spending a lot of time round there to ‘bond’ with the baby. Five times is a lot! He seems to be with her more than you. She doesn’t know you are on the scene? Are you sure he’s not just continuing the affair with her? I know seven years is a long time, but it doesn’t sound like he has any idea how much you are hurting about this (and what little understanding he has, he brushes off). Do you really want to be with this man? What do other people think?
Andrew G. Marshall says
If you are not his priority, why do you want to be with him? Look back your posts and imagine it is someone else who is reading these messages. What would you think? My guess is would be: why is this woman allowing this man to treat her so badly?
Lola says
Everyone’s entitled to there opinion but unless it happens to you noone can know how you feel just because he cheated does not mean that he doesn’t love you it says that he may have self esteem issues and doesn’t know how to keep it in his pants..I am a women just as you and I say that is My husband and because I love him not because i am stupid or a damn fool till death do is part..First and foremost THE CHILD IS NOT AT FAULT and should not have to be denied a farther…However. As a Woman…and yes I am speaking from experience do you want something. No one has ..well Noone TAKES anything from me if I don’t want it I give it away. It starts out painful watching your husband with a child he created out of mess with another woman ..but sweetheart just as I tell my son you will never know the ways of a woman they are sneaky conniving and they play to win. .With this being said the Bible speaks of a mans weakness so now you see we are luving in the flesh ..sit down with your husband and let this draw you closer instead of tearing your marriage apart
Elena says
Lola, this is beyond self esteem issues for doing what he did. He at any point could have stopped seeing her and above all he could have avoided the baby if he was smart in using protection. Like you said his issue is he can’t keep it in his pants but the other woman is also to blame because she knew about me and still kept playing the game and she wanted to keep my bf for good and decided to bring a child into the world to make him suffer and pay the price seeing he had told her that he didn’t want to be with her anymore and he calls it “entrapment” by her. To me he could have seeked counseling and help for his infidelity so we work on our relationship but instead continued to sleep with her and she got pregnant to so call “win” the situation for good. Now he’s a responsible father to this kid but he begged her not to keep this child if two people aren’t going to be together. Yet she still did it. You say this should draw us closer together? It draws us apart because she will constantly use the child as an excuse to get him over at her house for help and she complains how my bf isn’t helping enough with the child, yet to me sounds like she don’t know I’m here or she don’t care. This ruined our relationship with his lies, infidelity, and now me having a baby with him has went out the window since he has to attend to his baby. But what isn’t right Is that she makes him go weekends to babysit the child while she goes and partied with her girlfriends because she needs a “break” from her child. Well you shouldn’t have had the child then just to win over my bf with your low level games. To me this is a low level trash woman to keep a man by having a child. And he needs to have rules and boundaries with her and to tell her that he will be there with money and with his time when necessary but this is beyond that now as he’s at her beck and call whenever the baby needs something and on top of that he doesn’t want to talk with me about the baby it gets him very upset and agitated wanting to change the subject. She needs to know I’m in the picture but she’s delusional because my feeling is he hasn’t told her he’s with me still because according to him she tried threatening him that nobody but him can see that child. That shows you allot right there. My bf helps her with money yet that’s not enough and she lives with her parents and her parents refuse to watch the baby because they making him responsible by telling him he needs to watch the baby. To me he needs to stand up to her and her family and tell them he has his own life too and she brought this baby into the world knowing he didn’t want it so she’s to blame as well.
Jennifer says
I commented a while back, and thank you for your response. My husband suffered sexual addiction that drove him into a terrible dark hole. I discovered his secrets through texts with women and emails that a woman was pregnant. The short story is, my husband had a 2 night stand with a woman in Germany (we’re American) and he had given her his contact information. After the discovery, we wanted to find out if the child was my husband’s, and paternity test had proven that he is. The woman has been very disrespectful to our marriage by stating that she has no regrets and even went into detail from their nights together to explain why she doesn’t regret it… She has also stated that the child is her child and has no interest in sharing her with us. She has already arranged paperwork that if anything happens to her, the child will stay in her family. She said we can visit the child, but only if she accompanies the visits and will only allow us to spend time alone with the child if my husband and her build a “trust relationship” because they’re complete strangers. Given the circumstances, I’m not comfortable with my husband building any type of relationship with this woman. She’s requesting us to pay child support, and we’re at a dilemma of whether or not to try to be a part of this child’s life… Which would be difficult since she’s in another country… Or to just pay support and some day the child can contact us. My husband is leaning toward the latter option, but I can’t help but to be angry that she gets to raise the child however she wants and gets our money as well. I know that seems shallow… Just don’t know how to handle this situation. Another part of this whole thing, is we have 2 children already (ages 4 and 2) and no idea when or how to tell them they have a sister is another country. They’ll be excited to have a sister no matter how she came into this world, but they’re going to wonder when they can meet her and spend time with her…
Sorry… This is all so confusing… How do we protect our marriage and family from this woman and yet care for this child as well?
Andrew G. Marshall says
I think you need to cut this down into manageable chunks. First off, you need legal advice on your situation (as it is complex with different countries and different jurisdictions). Next cut it down into more manageable chunks: what are we going to do now? It is different when the child is a baby than from when she is older and can have a more independent relationship. The same with what to tell your children and when, you first need to decide what you’re going to do. Make certain the outcome is a joint decision, this needs to be fully signed off by both of you – rather than one or other pushing for his or her preferred solution. Otherwise the whole thing will be the source of future resentment. Take your time and don’t make snap decisions.
Lounodrama says
My story is somewhat the same. But im the mistress/ex girl friend of someone’s husband….but my situation however her husband & i were both in love before he married his current wife. He asked me to marry him before he married her but said no because of the current situation. When met up one time after 6 years later, things happen between us. Yes i got pregnant. Since i found out he was married i decided to have an abortion. I also found out his wife couldnt have any more child. I kept my distance toward him but he kept calling me & begging me to give him a child. Anyway after a while he just showed up on my door step of my house & yes things happen again & now im pregnant again. Im so confused on what i should do. He tells me things but do another. I just dont want any drama & i know this will bring just that. I dont want to break them up if he is happy. He said he is not happy with her, kept fighting & separated many times. I just dont want to have any issues towards anyone & want a simple drama free life. I dont know if i should just keep this baby on my tummy & give him the option if he wants to be with his unborn child life or not. I have one daughter now & raised her as a single mom. My daughter is now in college in new york at one of the ivy league school.. she was raise by my self without any father figure with her & very proud of her achievement. So there is no doubt that i can also raise my unborn child the same way.
Andrew G. Marshall says
Thank you for giving us the opposite point of view. As you have discovered, this man is all over the place. He does not know from one moment to the next what he wants – and don’t expect him to change any time soon. You need to focus on what is right for YOU, not him, not his wife but yourself. Reading your post, it doesn’t sound like you consider your own reads very often. Have a think about why this might be?
Letitia Johnson says
Afternoon Andrew do you still counsel in this area.
Andrew G. Marshall says
If the area in question is Sussex, no I don’t counsel there. If the area is London, I come to London from time to time – where I will do one off sessions with people and help them decide if counselling is for them (and direct them to one of my team in London). If you want to work with me, I offer intensive therapy in Berlin. See the section of my website for details. You can contact my practice manager about seeing a team member – or myself – my using the form in ‘Private Counselling’ section of my website.
Chanel says
Not sure if this thread is still open, but I was dealing with a guy for the past 5 years (off and on), he and I ended up having a child (3 months now). But he got married last year and never told me. I didn’t even know he was in a relationship. Well once I found out, I let his wife know because there is a child involved. He has been taking care of the child and me, he provides everything we need. Once it was all out in the open, he met with us both and admitted to her that i didn’t know about her and that he still wants to be in his Son’s life. He also told her that he wanted them to work on their marriage and that he was no longer seeing me, but he was just saying DAYS before this came out, that he loved me and wanted us to be a family, so I am VERY confused and hurt. They don’t have any children together. He asked for me to step aside because he can’t focus on his marriage with me around. She told me that he told her he has strong feelings for me and that he can’t focus around me. She asked if I was going to fight for him or not. I have no answers and am so hurt confused by it all. She asked when we were last intimate and he admitted it was a few weeks ago. After ward’s he came over and spent time like he normally does and was apologizing but I told him to leave because I feel so hurt and confused and he’s not giving me space to deal with it. So we decided to have space to figure out our feelings. How do i handle this?
Andrew G. Marshall says
It’s natural to feel hurt and confused. I would add in angry too! You will need help handling this. I think professional help where you can talk and try and make sense of everything. I would also read some books about affairs, so you understand that as well as lying to their wives, men are often not being entirely true with their lovers too. Yes, at the time, they mean it when they say: I want to be with you and be a family. But they don’t also say, I want to be with my wife. I’m afraid they are people pleasers who say to each person what they think they want to hear. They are so focused on making other people happy, they have no ides what they want.
Dawn says
I am dealing with this situation. My husband cheated 5ys ago because we hadn’t been intimate. We were going through some problems and I just didn’t feel close to him. Rather than try to work things out, he felt it was easier to cheat. We had 5 children together also! I found out about rhw affair from his phone. He cried and told me he qould end it blah blah blah! I forgave him and we tried moving on. This whole situation continued on and off for 5 yrs. I then find out from an anonymous text that she’s pregnant! I felt my heart break He told me he didn’t think it was his and even if it was he would not have contact with him. I wanted so much to keep my family together so I went along with it. We actually got pregnant and had our 6th child. I found out he was still texting her behind my back. She still calls him. He swears the affair is over and he just can’t neglect his son. He sees him 2× a month bit, she is always there. He goes to their home! Hw face times her phone to see the kid! I just can’t deal! I have so much anger! I just don’t think that is right! I believe since she knew he was married and already had a family then she should of kept her legs closed and since she didn’t she should deal with the consequences of raising the child alone! I just want to smear both their faces in the concrete!! I am so upset, angry, and every other feeling you can think of!!
Andrew G. Marshall says
I understand that you’re angry and I expect that’s why your husband lies to you (and goes behind your back) because he can’t face another row. Stupid tactic but I can see why he might do it. As the only person you can change is yourself – not your husband – I have a question for you: What are you going to do about your anger? If you start replying: ‘If he didn’t do x, I wouldn’t be so angry.’ That’s an understandable thought but it’s about him – and you’re giving him power over your behaviour. So what are YOU going to do about your anger? Stay angry and hope it will go away? Shout at him? Shout at her? Will these really make any difference? What other possibilities are there? What might make this whole situation easier for you? Think about these sorts of answers and how you could turn them in a reality.
Shelby says
My husband had what began as an emotional affair that turned into a full blown relationship. He left me, got an apartment, and she moved in with him, leaving her husband as well. She brought along her 4 year old and 2 month old baby… my husband lost his mind! Well, about 3 weeks into them living together, he came to me and told me he regretted everything and wished he had never left me. He asked me if there was any way I could forgive him. I told him I never wanted the separation or a divorce and that I love him… then he dropped the bomb… she’s pregnant. I was shocked, but I love my husband and I want to try to make our marriage work. He begged her to get an abortion, but she refused. I think she believes that she has him trapped and that he’ll come back to her, but he has been with me for 8 years and we have a 2 year old. The baby is due in December, so we have time to work on our marriage before we have to deal with it. I’m just terrified because I’m not sure how to accept this child into my life, especially knowing that the OW wants my husband still. My husband doesn’t want to have no contact because of his guilt, and I understand that… I agree it’s not the baby’s fault. It didn’t get to choose it’s parents, but at the same time, I don’t know how to handle all this. I want my marriage and my family to stay intact, but I also want this other child to disappear… any advice?
Andrew G. Marshall says
My advice would be to take this one step at a time. It is easy to worry about what will happen when the baby is born but in reality you need to focus on dealing with all the issues today. Don’t worry about how to accept the child into your life until you’re being asked to do it. The whole situation is difficult enough without looking into the future and thinking about all the what ifs.
Edwika says
My husband has been having an affair with his secretary for 14yrs. They have a 10yr old son and now another son who is 10months old.
I have twin 15yrs old boys with myhusband of 22yrs and together 25yrs.
One of my twin sons fought cancer and thankfully he is a survivor.
But he has had health issues ever since, hospital stays, constant visits to specialist which is our currently our situation.
I found out about the affair on Memorial day 2018.
All we do is argue because he is now in contact with her. She refers to me as his bitch wife. My husband swears he’s never said anything bad about me to her. She knew about me and my boys who were babies before they started the affair. She already had a daughter who is to this day texting my husband and refers to him as daddy.
What am i supposed to do?
I am going to social services in the morning to get advice about child support etc..
I feel awful about it but he has destroyed everything..
Andrew G. Marshall says
This is a huge deception and one that has been going on for years. Get as much support as you can and good luck with social services.
Shannon says
I’m in the same situation. The boy is almost five. I should be over it, but I’m 80/20 out of the woods. My Mother in law has been overbearing since day one, and it’s easy for me to blame her, as to why I feel like I was never aloud to grieve and get over it…. Truly, it really is THAT intense of a life situation. Most days I’m fine. I try to redirect my thoughts and move onto more humble thinking… but when I fail I fail HARD. My life is happy and content until I have to face the music, and I hate it.. I don’t want to be like this anymore.. It’s quite the subconscious conviction. I’m actually going to see a hypnotherapist this month, to help me change my outlook, and smile at my triggers instead of feeling grief. I’ve heard it works. We’ll see! 🙂
Andrew G. Marshall says
Thank you for sharing your progress – 80% out of the woods is a great achievement. Let us know how you get on with hypnotherapist.
Lee says
I am saddened that there are so many of us going through this. I have been with my husband for 15 years and we have two children together. A month ago, after months of questioning my husbands behaviour, knowing deep down that something was wrong, providing plenty of opportunities to be honest and tell me what was going on, going to couples counselling, and helping him, supporting him deal with severe depression, he told me he wasn’t happy and wanted out. I was devastated. A week later, after some time away, he told me he was sorry and wanted to give our marriage a chance but he was acting strange. When I pressed, yet again, he finally admitted to having an affair and his mistress was pregnant and almost due. He told his mistress he didn’t want another child when she announced her pregnancy, but she decided to go ahead despite his wishes and they came up with lies to tell everyone to protect all the ‘innocents’ involved. Keeping this secret, my husband has had nobody to confide in but her this whole time, the secret destroyed him and he had considered suicide as his only way out. The mistress has now had the child and is angry that he told their secret. My husband doesn’t want a relationship with her, he says he realises now that he never actually loved her and treated me the way he did to try and push me away as he thought after everything he had done, he had no chance of a future with me. He tells me he wants us to be a family again and get through this together. I now have to decide whether to keep my family together or walk away. The child is now born and the other woman is still hoping for a future with my husband. I know that child is innocent, but I am struggling to deal with the cheating and the fact that he can’t just walk away from her and the child. I am in a very dark place right now and the thoughts about the affair, the other woman and child is all consuming. I don’t know what to do. I feel so hurt, betrayed, angry, humiliated, shamed and resentful. I am struggling to work, sleep and although it has only been 5 weeks, I am struggling to move forward. I have sought counselling, but at the moment, I don’t feel like anything can help me. Struggling…..
Deborah says
Lee, I have just read your story, pretty similar to mine really. My husband had on off affair for 10 years. Now she has a 16 month old baby. Because I love my husband I let him come back to us one last time. Then he dropped the bombshell! I even let him be with her for a month when baby was born. He goes to see them 3 times a week, but now she says he must live with them every other week, oh and Christmas too!!!! I finally found the strength to say No, she is not entitled to a family life with my husband!! that’s not what I want. That’s the first big step – as Andrew says you must think of yourself first now. What do you want?? This low life lady is getting more demanding and will continue to do so. Unfortunately most men want the best of both words. Dont let them. The pain is as bad now as it was 2 years ago. I dont sleep either. Hypnotherapy is good – please try it. Also i went to see a psychic. The lady knew my pain without me saying a word! Gave me good pointers on how to concentrate on me, and it does work. My husband is weak, arrogant and desparate not to lose his family, but just one thing now – I am in charge!! Sometimes it’s better to be alone than be in bad company, so the saying goes!! At 58 I am so frightend of ending up alone, but you won’t be if you have a beautiful soul. I can only wish you love & peace honey xxx
Rochelle says
Hello I truly enjoy reading this because this is my life in a nut shell my husband has been living a double life and once I found out the truth he said he is relieved he wants to save our marriage I’m truly hurt.
Andrew G. Marshall says
Pleased it helped. You are not alone. Any advice from ladies in a similar situation?
safiyah says
hi I’m dealing with the same . me and my husband were just 4months maried wen start having an affair with his first child’s mother. I’m still beating myself up abwt it. I fell inlove with his daughter I even arrange the mother 2 bring her everyday r we will fetch her. I bought everything she needed and wen her mother needed money 4 her I would as my husband didn’t work at the time. I had a really gud relationship with the mother we use talk and crack jokes. I even trusted them being alone 2 talk abwt they child. but it wasn’t enuf. she started making excuses 4 me not 2 c the child wen I ask y she wouldn’t reply. and I asked my husband if he new y he turned a blind eye. and my husband starterd disappearing from the morning and I would only c hm the night. and sumtimes he don’t even cum home I still trusted him after I heard people started talking and I never believed it. it was just impossible. until 1 night I recieved a next 2 meet the ex on a field I didn’t know he masaged her from my phone. and she send back I phoned and askd abwt it she told me nthng was going on and I believed her. after a while I took a walk 2 a friend and she told y my husband would often cum 2 us ex house and their whole day. and I still didn’t wanted 2 believe the worst until he came 2 me and that he want 2 help his child’s mother cos she heavy on drugs. and I decided 2 stand by his side 4 the sake of the child. but she started becum very nasty with I didn’t know they axly started sleeping 2gether. she sended me masgs of how she and my husband was sleeping 2gether and she don’t want me near her. I cryd everyday I love the child so much and seing her was painful and neither dd I know y. my husband came 2 me after a month and said he wants 2 marry her. because of they child and they r in a relationship again I told y didn’t u say this in beginning wuldv understand and just walk away but started being rude 2 me and blaming me 4 everthng. so I left the city and they contued the affair. I came 2 devorce and move on. but he didn’t wanted 2 gve my freedom. we made up again after my cuzen told me that the woman was pregnant wen I confronted my husband he denied it. but he fell 4 her again and I left again then showd day and night we’re I live begging me 2 cum back. after a call from her mother I got 2 knw she was pregnant with his child. and it was time 4 baby 2 cum. excepted it as I love kids. wen the child was born I begged him 2 bring the child I would like 2 meet her. but the didn’t want the kids around me as husband was sleeping with her. I honestly wanted husband part of they life I took my husband away from the 2 work on our marriage but work he was drugs he abused me emotionally verbally. and fussycaly I even sufferd a miscarriage. until I had enuf I came back and aplied 4 devorce but because of our religion we had 2 wait until the month of holy passes. but we started getting intermit and I fell pregnant. with my son my started his nonsense again and I wanted 2 gve up my son 4 adoption wen I told him that he threaten 2 kil me. so we went on with our relationship. after my husband use 2 cry 2 have a child in his life. but the mothers won’t allow him. I also use 2 beg. but now we have 2 kids and still they trying 2 ruined my life. they pushed me so far that I told my husband I don’t his hre anymore I don’t want anything 2 do with them. cos evertme the mother uses the kids 4 they advantage. its not easy 4 me my in-laws wants me 2 just tolerate it as they allow the woman 2 cum 2 our house and my husband pay only goes 4 they support wen I say sumthng I’m being they more important but wat we eat everthng I do is problem its like my husband didn’t do anything and I dd. I tryd hard 2 fix my marriage we r 2gether 7 years and maried 6 years. and I don’t have any1 2 talk 2 that woman they always rude 2 me they kids loves me so much but they telling the 2 desrespect and my husband wants me 2 tolerate it and I don’t knw wat 2 do I’m still in depression I’m still trying 2 find out wat I dd wrong
Andrew G. Marshall says
What if you didn’t do anything wrong? What if you just tried to do your best?
Deborah says
Dear Andrew,
My name is Deborah and I wrote to you nearly 2 years ago, when I found out the woman who he had an affair for over 4 years with, has now had a baby. She is from Eastern Europe and is very angry that my husband promised her to have a baby in the middle of their on off affair. Well she did get pregnant, had a little boy. My husband has even named him!!made sure he has a British Passport and goes to see them 3 times a week. He swears blind he loves me. I don’t allow him to stay (she wants him there 2 nights a week!!) She threatens to go home to her country with the baby as my husband has neglected them. I heard her say ‘how could you possibly not be here at Christmas with your baby’. He pays the rent and air fares, along with many of the bills for the flat he rents for her.
It’s physically killing my husband to drive over 150 miles each visit. He’s now almost 62. This woman of 36 says that she now is depressed, all alone in UK and wants to take him back to her own country. She literally lives for his visits each week. She is not mixing with other young mums in her area, has no friends and sits at home all week.The whole idea of my husband going to see the baby was to give her time off. Appears she spends every minute out walking and shopping with him. She is a very angry lady who, now wants their son to meet my husbands’ family WITH HIM. I have asked to meet the baby before anyone else does. Our sons wont meet the baby is she is there. Their views have been made known to him. How could my husband introduce his son and the mother to his family? Where do our feelings come in? His family will go berserk. We cant tell his mother, she is 92 and it would kill her.
I myself have had to come to terms with so much betrayal and we are trying to work things out between us. He says he only wants to be with me. He made a mistake. I’m stuck – if she goes back home he’ll only see his son if he flies over for a few days and he’ll be miserable here thinking of him.
I feel lost and will never have my husband back fully as we wanted. He doesn’t want sex with me or anyone he says. I lose in every way.
You were pretty angry at husbands who put their wives through this hell. If i mention anything now he’s all defensive and says i must only look forward and not back!!
I am in such a bad place that i should never have been put in, but as usual, i have to be the strong one.
After going through the menopause my emotions are absolutely shattered, so my life is as bad as it gets right now.
No one knows in my family and I am keeping his secret locked away, which is difficult too. I am too ashamed to tell our close friends, as we will never be made welcome again i fear.
I know everyone will think i’m stupid for letting him stay.
I am just still in love with my husband. After 32 years of loyalty and love, I’m still here.
Please don’t judge me for that. I berate myself every day and sometimes want to hurt him so badly to know how it feels to have your heart ripped out.
My confidence has gone
I cry everyday driving to work
And wonder how on earth my life came to be in such a mess.
Thanks for taking the time to read this.
Andrew G. Marshall says
First of all, well done. You have come a long way. Second, I’m not going to berate you and I would hope you’re going to be gentle with yourself too. You love him. You’re doing your best under difficult circumstances. So how do you get out of stuck? It would be helpful if you divided everything into three columns… her problems, your husband’s problems and YOUR problems. She is unhappy in this country, she might go back home. Your husband might see less of the child. ALL THEIR PROBLEMS. His mother will be horrified. HIS PROBLEM. I’d rather you focused on your stuff… how do you get your confidence back? How do you stop crying driving to work? What will make your life better? What would help with the menopause? What DO you want from your husband? All of these feel much more under your control… When he complains about looking back, reframe the question is something about today or the future of your relationship. Keep talking and you will keep making progress…
Deborah says
Andrew, thank you for taking the time to reply to me. You’re right, lots of the problems are THEIRS. She flies back to Hungary on Sunday. One way ticket bought! Angry at us for making a go of our marriage! but that is her problem. I know my husband loves me now, we have talked and found out why we still want to be together. We are doing more now than we have done in years……. but he still cannot be intimate with me. That still hurts my soul but hopefully in time if things calm down……
I once asked why he split up with her, to be told she was not a very nice person to live with. Now i think she will use every tool to make his life a misery. I feel so sorry for his son (who I’m not allowed to meet!)
I cannot thank you enough for reading my sad story, it’s all locked inside as I don’t speak to anyone about my heartache, so it’s been cathartic writing this all down.
Kindness always
Deborah
Deborah says
Hi Andrew,
I wrote on your site in July 2018 after my husband came back to me for the 4th time and then his mistress told him she was pregnant. The child is now 2 & half years old. My husband pays for almost everything, including flat, bills, car, nursery bills etc. He goes to them 3 days a week (including 1 night)!! When i tell him he has the best of both worlds, he goes crazy with anger. Tells me to forget the past and concentrate on the here and now, and that he is only there for his son. My problem is that I havent been able to move on! The pain to see him go off breaks my soul. She even had the audacity to call me in May of this year to tell me how my husband had never loved me. He promised to divorce me and marry her. The spite in her voice was chilling. There was only her and the girlfriend before me he ever truly loved. I told her to stop contacting me as this was not my problem!
His mobile phone is always hidden. I did say that if there was to be open honesty now that i had taken him back, that this should not be an issue in the future, but was only told that i would never see it as everyone is entitled to privacy!!The money he is spending on them, when it should be for our future – He’s nearly 63 years old for gods sake. When he is here, his elderly mother takes up almost every day now as she’s 94. I just seem to fit in with everyone else. On top of that my husband says he doesn’t want sex with ANYONE ever again. You can imagine how I feel, having choices taken away from me yet again. I think I have come to the end of the road now. My heart aches too much. I feel so much anger towards them as she believes she’s entitled to Christmas’s , holidays etc together and cannot understand why they havent been introduced to my husbands family.
i have asked for a divorce, but he says that’s not what he wants. Still the best of both worlds scenario!! I have asked my husband to introduce me to his son, but mistress says never. I honestly believe she treats their child like it’s a possession. He has rights but deep down actually think he enjoys having the 2 seperate lives.
I never in all these years of loving my husband thought I could be treated with such disrespect after taking him back, accepting the child etc.
I have no money and the house is in his name, he refuses to sell, so i fear i am trapped as i cannot afford to rent in London.
I wish I could afford a private detective or listening device to find out what is going on, but i cant. The overthinking is driving me insane.
Andrew G. Marshall says
You don’t need a private detective, you know everything you need to know. She believes he is hers. Why does she think that? Probably because he tells her that and they live as man and wife for three days a week! No wonder you can’t move forward. However, it is not just what HE wants. You have rights too. Speak to a lawyer and find out what they are. Just because he does not want a divorce or to the sell the house, does not mean he holds all the cards. Find out what yours are and make an informed decision.
My life unfortunately says
This is my life. My husband had an affair and we separated. He wound up getting her pregnant. He flipped back and forth and he wound up moving in with her and taking care of the baby for his first 15 months. He would come see us (our kids, me) and we never formally separated. It was/is a very unhealthy codependent relationship with a lot of mental abuse and control and manipulation. My husband moved back home over a year ago but it hasn’t been smooth sailing. He filed for joint custody but later agreed temporarily to only seeing the baby at her place and never letting him around our house, me, or our children. Of course that put a terribly strain on him. She was insisting he move back in with her and divorce me. Finally, in the spring he went away for a month and got his head on straight and realized how unhealthy it was for him to be around her and he needed to get his life back on track (he lost his job, all his money, all his friends, etc since starting the affair). He came home from the trip saying he was dropping the custody case and would just financially support the baby and not see him for a year or two to get himself right again. But, he has gone out there on occasion to see his son (a lot of times lying about it) and he is still in daily contact (via text/calls) with the other woman. He says it’s irrelevant to us and shouldn’t matter. He still has a lot of work to do on himself. Now he is saying he is home and staying home but it’s just for the kids and he isn’t happy with me or enjoy my company. That’s what she used to tell him over and over to justify how she is so much better for him and is the only one who can truly love him. I know he knows it’s not true, but the brainwashing that occurs in her presence is astounding. Meanwhile he has a son he doesn’t see much who is 2 1/2 and still doesn’t speak, isn’t being socialized with other kids, and is neglected a lot of the time (she drank and smoked and took some drugs throughout her pregnancy so I imagine he has some form of fetal alcohol). As much as I never wanted another child or one in this way, this boy is innocent and it breaks my heart to know this is what his life will become. The other woman has another son from a previous marriage and she alienated him from his father and he has zero relationship with his dad. Every day is a struggle living like this. I don’t want to divorce my husband (and he doesn’t want it either) but I know I deserve so much better. This mid life crisis he’s going through is now well into year 4 and I’m so tired. He was an amazing dad and husband and friend prior to meeting the other woman. I have come to learn that he has a lot of issues stemming from his family of origin with conditional love and being a people pleaser to avoid conflict and have zero self esteem. Most of this lived dormant in our lives for the 18 years prior to the other woman entering and she opened up the cobwebs and here we are. It’s a struggle as he gets scared of the hard work he needs to do so he takes steps forward and then backpedals as the fear of dealing gets to hard.
Andrew G. Marshall says
I am glad that you have reached a better understanding of how you got to this place. I am pleased that he knows he has work to do too. Of course, there will be days when you both feel overwhelmed. When this happens, take a deep breath and focus on: what do we do today to make things better (rather than try and solve the whole problem). If you break it down into smaller chunks everything will be easier. By the way, if the woman alienated the father of the first child I wouldn’t be surprised if she will do the same with your husband.
My life... says
Thanks Andrew. I am definitely going through a rough patch right now. Our children have been gone for three weeks at camp and so he has taken this time for some major regression and had given into his addiction. OW knew kids were gone and has gone overboard with her actions. H has seen her a bunch of times (some lies, some telling me ahead of time). H has acknowledged this is a full blown addiction and he has physical pains if he doesn’t give in. He knows she is no different than an addiction to drugs. He has agreed to see an addiction specialist (no appointment yet) but he’s terrified. He also said if OW committed suicide (she has threatened hundreds of times) that he would actually have a huge sense of relief. I don’t know how to stop it. I think H is thinking that he can give in to his cravings now while the kids are away and before he “goes to treatment” and enjoy it while it lasts. It’s sick and I am so frustrated by all of this. In the meantime I get treated with such disrespect. He knows he’s doing it but knowing does nothing. I am trying to be patient, but it’s so hard. I deserve to be treated so much better.
Andrew G. Marshall says
If he has an addiction, you need to read up all the literature for partners. Could you be co-dependent? Are you trying to fix him, when he’s the only one who can do this? You deserve to be treated better, that’s for sure… but do you lay yourself open to it? Look into boundaries and maintaining good ones – because addicts trample all over them. I cover this in my book #Wake Up and Change Your Life’
Liz says
After 35 years we just found out my husband has a 35 year old daughter. Why did the mother not tell us then. The mother married the guy my husband thought she was cheating him with while he was in the army. So the child also has this mans name on bithcertificate. They later got divorced and she married another man. Seems like she is board with him now she said the oldest child is of my husband. What do we do now?
Andrew G. Marshall says
I don’t see what this has to do with the mother. It is between the daughter, your husband and you. After all she is a grown up. Does she want to meet you both (and I strongly suggest it is the two of you), you can decide together what happens next. The daughter can talk about whether she wants a relationship with the two of you, you can explain how hurt you’ve been and what would help you come to terms with it. Your husband can listen to both of you. Don’t come to any conclusions until you’ve had time to think and process. If all of this feels too soon, tell your husband and ask for more time. The daughter has waited thirty-five years, she can give you a bit of time.
Rene says
My husband cheated many years ago, he decided with the agreement of the other woman that he would relinquish his rights so her new husband could adopt the child. The paperwork he signed said he would be kept anonymous. This woman went behind our backs and asked his family to be a part of this child’s life.. in turn making both of us targets from his family, they were constantly in our business about this child and all the paperwork had been taken care of for years. We have 3 children and I told him if he wanted to share the information with our kids he had to wait til the last one was 18. Fast forward… this person is 27 and has contacted my husband, he did not discuss anything with me and he had this person contact my 16 year old child via Facebook telling them who they are etc…I am beyond upset I don’t know how to handle all this. It’s like going through it all over again, and rubbing my nose in a big mess. I don’t appreciate anyone telling my children but me . He is trying to compensate for 27 years .. this person has a family, a father who adopted them..I’m at a loss..it’s hurts more now than it did then and there are more people involved.. he is trying to bring this person into my life … help..
Andrew G. Marshall says
I understand the HELP. My first reaction is how can someone be so cruel as to tell a child over facebook that they are half siblings. When I stopped and thought about it, i thought someone who is desperately unhappy. Someone who thinks knowing their father will make up for their unhappiness… (even though this person has an adopted father we don’t know how good a father he is). I can imagine your husband is full of guilt for his behaviour and his decision all those years ago. I know you are suffering today because you have written about it so eloquently. It sounds like you and your husband need s safe space to talk about all this pain. I would suggest couple counselling or if your children are suffering family counselling too. This is the problem of children born in an affair. Many people suffer and the suffering keeps on giving. The only solution is to keep talking, keep negotiating together and be patient with each other. THIS IS HARD.
Stacey says
Help! Me and my husband were married for 4 years at the time. We already had 3 small children. I found out he was cheating and told him to get out. He still came around to see me and the kids. I got pregnant with baby #4 and I thought they were over. When she found out I was pregnant she got pregnant with my husband. Once their child was born she rarely let him see the baby and finally she moved out of state. She never called or wanted child support and we never saw the child. We both tried to connect but no luck. Fast forward to now the child is 16 and a family member called to say the mother died. We now have the child. The mother was so evil and tried everything to hurt my family before and she lied and posted stuff of my social media page to try and hurt me about my husband cheating. I hate her! She is no longer around and now he child lies, and I hate this child. He is manipulating. I hate he calls my husband dad. I know it’s not the child’s fault but his mom told him lies and now he acts out and tells our kids things about the affair they shouldn’t even know. I love my husband but having this child here makes me angry.
Andrew G. Marshall says
It is OK to be angry with your husband. It is OK to be angry with the child. But you need to stop and ask yourself: Is it helping me move forward? How much of the anger is really about the mother and not the child? It sounds like you have taken on a big job – helping a child that has lost his mother. Where is the support for you? Where could you get more support? Have a discussion with your husband about your problems. Ask him about his problems (even though I know he caused them by cheating)? When you’ve both talked and both listened, you can begin to discuss how to approach the issues about the child as a team.
Other woman says
I am the “other woman” and my daughter is now 4. My child’s “father” will soon start paying court ordered child support sinced the DNA test has confirmed that he is the father. This is the second DNA test because he was still denying paternity after the first DNA revealed he’s the father. Without a doubt he is the sperm donor!
Let’s get one thing straight, I am NOT in love with my child’s father nor am I trying to take him away from his current family. So please don’t assume that the “other woman” is always in love with the married man and trying to steal him away. His wife can keep him! He was just a distraction for me and nothing more. My child’s father has a wife and three daughters (2 of whom are of adult age but who he still supports). Bottom line, I just want him to fulfill his legal financial obligations. When he and I had our fling, he had told me that he had a vasectomy and that I could never get pregnant. I was naive and believed him because for 7 years I did not get pregnant. Well, the vasectomy was botched (if he even had one) and the DNA results tell the real whole story.
Also, I earn more money than he does so I’m not some Golddigger trying to cash in. This is HIS CHILD and he needs to contribute financially irrespective of the fact that I make more money than him… I am relieved that soon he will start paying up and that he did not ask for any visitation. Less drama this way! My daughter will understand that it was not me necessarily keeping her from her father; besides that is not up to me. My daughter not seeing her father has more to do with HIM DENYING HER even after a DNA test. In all honesty, if my child’s father wanted to be involved in her life I would obviously not see that as a bad thing. However that will never happen since he has his own family to deal with now and getting their forgiveness should be his priority… His wife (who he has been supporting for over 25 years) may need to get a job now to offset his added Child Support expense which is well over $1000 a month not including arrears. When more than 3 months of arrears is owed, up to 55% of his check can be garnished and his passport and driver’s license can be taken away.
All this to say, stop judging the other woman!! Not all of us fall in love with these men. Women use men for sex too! And the best thing that came out of this was a beautiful child who I adore. I’ll be enough for her. She doesn’t need her father’s drama!
Andrew G. Marshall says
Thank you for putting the other side of the story.
Ash says
I wish that you were the other woman in my situation. I tried so much to get along with her but she is determined to keep him and lied to me when I was only honest with her. I just want the child to be happy, but she scares me and I worry that we will always have issues until she finds another man or maybe finally finds herself (cause she is still kinda of a child herself).
I don’t blame you. Just as, at first, I didn’t blame her, but knowing her personality now I can’t help but be angry that she played on my sympathies and forgiving nature.
All to say, I wish I could of been the wife in this situation instead.
Chelsea says
Please help. My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 years. Our relationship has been rough. We both made mistakes with cheating and he had a serious drug problem for 5 of the years we’ve been together. It has not been easy to say the least. 2 years ago I got pregnant with our son. While I was pregnant he cheated on me with another girl. He told me about it and we decided to try to work it out. At this time he still had a bad drug problem. I told him I couldn’t be okay with him doing drugs and being around our child so he’d have to get sober to be a family. He decided to leave. While we were separated he got the girl he had cheated on me with pregnant. We ended up back together and when the baby was born a DNA test confirmed the baby was his. I was devistated. It’s been over a year. During this time I stayed and have worked hard at being there for him and his child. I have went out of my way to befriend the girl and try to forgive. It’s been almost 2 years and it still hurts. I have tried to forgive, but I can’t forget. I don’t voice it because I don’t want to keep throwing his past mistakes in his face. Some days I feel I can never forgive and truest let go. Some days I’m okay. He maintains regular contact and I can’t help but to be bothered. I hate that he talks to the other woman. I hate that she’s in my life. I don’t know how to move forward. I suffer in silence and it’s hurting to much.
Andrew G. Marshall says
And I bet he still has a drug problem too! Please look into Nar-Annon which is a support group for partners and spouses of drug addicts. They will listen and understand and you will not feel so alone. Slowly but surely, you can look at how to make your life better but understanding his addiction and the impact on you should be the starting point.
Krista says
I’ve been married to my husband for 8 years and we both have children already from a previous marriage…thru our ups and downs it happened and he met up w a fling and did his thing! At the time we were on a separation and 5months in we decided to try and work things out between us, and that’s when I discovered he was possibly expecting a baby girl (which will be his first girl) I was devastated because first and foremost I no longer can bear children and always wanted to have the surgery to have children but he never thought it was something we should do! So here we are I am trying to understand this and be loving and open minded but in the back of my mind I still want to be the one bearing his child and I have a lot of resentment! I don’t believe they are seeing each other anymore and I do see texts messages pertaining to the baby and what not but deep down I need to know where and how this is going to play out! The baby is due nov 11, and according to the messages I have seen he’s actually really excited about this and he hasn’t really shed excitement to me regarding this! I want him to open up to me and so we can openly discuss the future of this I don’t wanna nag and be controlling. Bc at that point he will loose interest in me and the nagging will surely push him away!! I am sorry for anyone going thru this Bc we love the man or woman and it hurts to know we have to share this life w someone that once was intimate w your husband!! It would be nice to hear some feedback on how I could actually be the bigger person here and make this all better!!
Andrew G. Marshall says
So what do other people think? How could she be a bigger person about this? My advice is don’t expect too much from yourself just yet. This is very raw. I would think about how your husband can support you and asking for specific things that would make you feel better.
Char says
I think your husband is having a hard time being open with you because it sounds like you may have some (warranted) hostile feelings about the situation. You have to keep in mind that this is no easy feat for any man trying to juggle two lives- one in which he has vows with someone he believes to be his soul mate, and one in which his shady motivations landed him into a situation where he has to own up to his actions. Either way, there is a level of accountability there. While your husband may understand that you are upset and he may feel some shame, since he has already experienced the joys of being a father, he will feel some excitement. And there is no way to convey this to the woman you love without hurting her. Those of us on the wronged end of things feel a sense of insecurity induced from the affair and any sense of him wanting to be attached to something connected to this woman will feel like a personal affront to you. He knows this.
In my own situation, I have had to evaluate the situation for what it is and decide on the role I wanted to play in it. You are right: we typically still love the spouses that have wronged us and that makes it even harder to walk away. You have 8 years of wonderful memories and difficult times you have survived together as a team. While some people feel like, “if they can walk away from that, so, too can I”, marriage is not a tit for tat. Both sides mutually decided that they wanted to take vows- which is essentially a promise before a higher power to love one another. Sometimes, we find ourselves in situations where we have to dish out a little more love and understanding than we initially thought.
This is a hard situation. Trust me, I know! But the choice I made was this: I love my husband. I love his children from other relationships, too. If he has truly ended things and is willing to seek professional help to help you heal and to continue on this loving journey you all began so many years ago, then ultimately, this is a child from another relationship, too. Just start there, with that thought. Have a conversation with your husband about your feelings, but take some of the blame out of it- just have it be another moment where he’s hurt your feelings and you are seeking to resolve the matter. Find out what he’s thinking, be willing to listen to his feelings. You may find, or at least I have, that I tend to experience less anxiety because I get brought into the loop more often since he knows I’m not going anywhere.
We have our own obstacles to overcome and it’s not perfect, but the baby didn’t do anything. The baby has no concept of “mistress” or “infidel” or “affair”. This baby is only going to know the love and support we offer it, should we choose to offer it. They will feel that you love them like your own child, even though they will come to learn they are not yours. With the world being such a crumby place at times, are children not deserving of as much love as we can muster for them?
The main thing you need to know is this: to be a BIGGER person, you have to already be big! The fact that you are on the internet looking for ways to make it through this situation with your marriage still in tact is no easy feat! I’ve found more blogs and articles telling us to walk away and mind our own business than I have giving us advice on how to make things work. Or what to do when he wants to do something else and you want to continue to be a dutiful wife. Give yourself time, be patient (although that’s a task, in and of itself), and choose love above all else- even if it ultimately comes down to loving yourself enough to be the final voice you listen to in your mind.
Ash says
I’m thinking of going back to my x husband as we have worked things out and realize that we had a lot of growing. I still very much love him and he does me to the point he left her. He had stayed with her for so long because he felt he had nothing else and she caused him so much pain and suffering because she isn’t exactly mentally stable. Since I knew that, when she reached out to me on a “secret account” (should of known then), I decided to help her but she played and pretended and in the end didn’t want our happiness even though I was honest. When she told him she was pregnant (he had already been split from her for about a month), he left and came to me. He was distraught but I told him that this didn’t matter that I’d be happy to care for the child as well since I adored children and I even told her I was there for her, but she flipped on me and I fear she will constantly try and manipulate him. I’m currently overseas cause i don’t want to jump into anything, but I worry about our future or even just his. I want him to be happy even if it isn’t with me but I fear that she will constantly drag him down. If I do get back with him, I want so bad to have a happy relationship with the child but I fear the mother will always be cruel. What do I do then?
Andrew G. Marshall says
Her track record is not very good so far. I doubt she will suddenly change…. as it sounds like she became pregnant to stop him leaving. So take your time before making any decisions, speak it over with a therapist or a trusted friend but be careful.. I am concerned that you want to rescue him (and that’s not a good foundation for a relationship). Make certain you’re doing this for the right reasons – because it’s right for you too.
Still hurting says
I am over a year post d day. He had an affair for 5 years, the child is now 4. I cannot bear the thought of him around the AP. He has proven since that he cannot be around her as he reaches out. He has sent her underwear for her birthday with a note saying ‘love you’. Plus he deletes messages too/from her. It’s driving me mad. Can he leave her alone or is this all he will give me?
I can’t possibly discuss contact if I can’t be reassured. He knows this too.
Andrew G. Marshall says
He is still behaving as if he’s still in the affair. And sending underwear for her birthday is AFFAIR behaviour. So if ‘this’ is all he can give you, do you want to be with him?
Michele Davey says
My partner of 10 years has told me he has fathered 9 kids behind my back I have no kids with him and have had a hysterectomy and one woman he has have 4 kids with i am finding it hard to be with him there is no trust and he says he will be father to all 9 but all the women are fighting to be with him and they put me down and he allows it
Andrew G. Marshall says
Do you want to be with a man who has done this not once but nine times? What do you think he’s learnt from these experiences? Is he open to changing? How you answer these three questions should give you a good idea about what to do next?
Carolyn says
Andrew, my husband and I have been together for 17 years and have a 13 year old child. The last 4 years we have tried to get pregnant. We have been unsuccessful. We’ve always thought because of his possible prostate problem.. hes had a mistress for3 years off and on. Since he had it in his mind that he cant impregnate anyone he stopped using protection and she is now six months pregnant. It’s hard because I know im the one now that cant get pregnant and hes made the mistake of getting her pregnant thinking he couldn’t. At first I told him it was over and I couldn’t handle it but he says he is not accepting that and he only wants the baby to be healthy and work out something to be involved in the babys life but isnt letting go of me or my son. He is cutting it off with her so he says…. what do I do
Andrew G. Marshall says
Take it one day at time. See if he means what he says… Discuss this post with him and get his input about what ‘be involved in the baby’s life’ means and whether it is possible if he is ‘cutting it off with her’
Jayne says
Hi, my husband had an affair 8 years ago and had a child from that affair. We are still together. It has not been easy at all though. My case is even more complicated because this woman gave my husband the daughter he always wanted I was determined to get pregnant so I could too give him a daughter even though we already had 2 sons together. I became pregnant and gave birth to twin girls. There is only 6 month between my girls and hers. My husband sees his other daughter once a week and I cant say that is easy either, it really bothers me and I get very gelous of the other child. You can live an almost normal life until the day in the week he goes off to see her and then boom your upset again and reminded of it all. Birthdays and Christmas is hard when he spends loads of money on her because he feels guilty in his words. The worst of all this mess is now that his other daughter is now starting a class that my two daughters attend so now I am going to be subjected to bumping into the other woman all the time. Its an absolutely awful situation and I’m not sure Ive done the right thing even though I dont regret having my girls. You can never get over this with a constant reminder and you can never trust your Husband again.
Andrew G. Marshall says
What a horrible twist in the tail of his infidelity? Could you talk to your husband to ask if there is another school to which the girl could go?
Eunice says
My husband has delivered a baby out of wedlock, l have 3kids with him. The mistress brought the child to the father to take care. What can l do as a wife
Andrew G. Marshall says
You can decide whether to accept the child, give it back to her or hand it over to the state to get it adopted?
P’d off says
I am dealing with the same thing. Me and my husband have been married for 25 years. I have no kids and never wanted any. I found out three years ago that he fathered not one but two kids with a whore who has three other kids by three different men. She’s older than me and apparently very loose. I thought my life was a fairytale. We have great careers and families, a wonderful home, he’s only ever treated me like a princess. I’ve not been able to control my emotions I’ve turned very verbally abusive toward him. I don’t know myself anymore. He wants to stay together and he treats me great but I can’t get past these two kids with an actual whore. Im devastated that he would even go for a woman of her caliber. I did offer that we could work through it if he signed his parental rights over and only supported the kids financially. At first he agreed, now he’s changed his tune and said he couldn’t live with himself. I can’t believe he’s choosing these kids over our union. We’ve seen four therapists and I’m just as raw and hurt today as I was the day I found out three years ago.
R says
My story is a bit different, to understand there is a background that needs to be understood. When I ran away from a abusive cult unbringing I became involved with a man with who I fell pregnant to. He didn’t want the child and tried to force me to have an abortion for his own financial reasons. I refused, I was then beaten and my child and I left for dead I survived my child did not and was born to early. I progressed in life and had a amazing family and a good and bad marriage that after many years broke down as some do. I formed another relationship with both of us being previously married he had younger children mine older. I fell pregnant he stated wasn’t right time and he couldn’t afford it with his payments to ex etc etc was an everyday attack to not have the child I even offered to disappear and have the child and be financially and personally only responsible. He promised the world and said we would have a child when time was right after a long and everyday battle and with always in the back of my mind what happened when I was younger I sadly and to my total regret gave in to his constant daily attack. What I didn’t know was that at the same time he got his exwife pregnant on his visitation with his other children and they had the child, at first he said wasn’t his etc etc. I couldn’t deal with this and broke it off when found out was pregnant, as he was helping her through the pregnancy and I couldn’t stand the sight of him and his total betrayal of me and the child he didn’t want with me. just before said child was born he begged and begged for another chance and when was a couple months old he had no or very little contact I did take him back (don’t want to hear I’m stupid and my own fault I can beat myself up enough over my life without others who haven’t lived my life doing so). I told him I except him in my life but could never and will never except a constant reminder of my own pain and his betrayal. Move forward and I fall pregnant with my miracle who I love with all my heart, he starts seeing that child again as well as others which I had no problem with others and when my child was three months old he brings that child around and the child is the out of control as are his others and I can in no way cope with seeing this reminder. I then no longer am around when he sees his other children because its to much and I get depressed and will not put my child through that as my first and only concern is to mine. I have my own house and much to his anger will not have any of them around me or my child now, not just because of the pain but because his ex and children have threatened harm to myself and my child. I have had a couple broken bones at the beginning at my refusal to have no contact but he had to understand if he wanted contact that was his choice and I don’t have to be forced into anything I don’t want to do ever again. He tried to say was my fault that I didnt make effort and it was a past error, what he didn’t understand his past was a constant reminder on the present and future and he has never admitted to anyone what he put me though just made me out to be the bad person. I have had to buy another house car and move from all the abuse from his family and his ex. But the positive is I have a wonderful child who will grow up to be a great member of the community and I have to be strong for myself and child no one will tell me what I do or don’t do is right or wrong. Others make their choices without think of way will effect and so do I for the safety and benefit of myself and child.
Andrew G. Marshall says
I was very moved by your story. Growing up in an abusive cult is a really hard start. You have survived a lot and still can find the positive. However, I think it would help you if you understood more about the impact of all of this trauma on you. My advice would be to read ‘The body keeps the score’ by Bessel Van der Kolk.
Exhausted in Florida says
So sorry to everyone that finds themselves in this situation. Its the hardest thing to work through. This is not new to me but the OC has suddenly been introduced into my husband’s family…this part is new to me. Ive known about her since 2004…found out while I was pregnant with our 3rd child. The mother wanted him to be NC with financial support as needed. My kids didnt know about their sister for years…they all now have contact they are all young adults now. I have to agree there is no perfect way to deal with this. I’ve been lied to on and off for many years about him simply having limited contact with his child – all I’ve asked for is transparency. Sadly I’ve come to believe most men won’t be 100% transparent. I can’t say I’ve fully healed…we did counseling but there’s been so much that happened. We’ve seperated again over boundary issues unrelated to the OC or her mother…..but now that my mother in law is involved with the OC the family have zero concern for my feelings and this may be the final straw for the marriage. I don’t expect anyone to not see the OC …its just the lack of compassion and his avoiding the situation and addressing my feelings…I’m tired. I’ve been dealing with this situation and infidelity for the past 17 years on and off. His family has a history of the men being cheaters and having an OC is very common…so they will not be sympathetic…its normal to them. I think the only way a couple really copes with this is full transparency, a plan in place and to be a team 100% of the time. I wish everyone the best and hope you come to a quicker resolution than myself.
Andrew G. Marshall says
Thank you for sharing your experiences. I wish you peace in whatever direction you go next and some rest (so you are rested in Florida!)
Rita says
Yes my man cheated with young girl that young enough too he is daughter and got her pregnant now he have a 3 mo baby with a 27 year old girl and he 60. What should I do? I am heart broken.
Andrew G. Marshall says
It is natural to be heart broken. You need to have a long conversation with your husband. A lot depends on what he wants to next. But I would suggest – if he wants to save the marriage – that you go for counselling together so that you both have somewhere safe to discuss your feelings.
Lucanda antoine says
Am facing the same situation however with time I accepted the child and the so call husband but my heart is still full of anger and hatred towards my husband.
Nelly says
Hello Andrew,
I really need help and advice. I found out my husband was having an affair last May. He said it was because we weren’t affectionate and sexual anymore. We’re both forty. We’ve been together for 22 years. He was seeing this woman for two years. We have an eleven year old daughter. She was married and has two kids. She left her husband, and I think her divorce will be finalized soon.
Initially he chose the other woman, but after one week we discussed working on our marriage. Unfortunately, he started this back and forth thing between me and this other woman from May to August. By mid July, he was slowly returning to me and we were trying to work on our marriage. We were doing well-talking and doing things together. I wasn’t aware that she was pregnant in the summer. She wanted to keep the baby, but he didn’t. She eventually got an abortion.
By the end of August, he found out the other woman was dating someone new, so he started pursuing her again. I immediately noticed a change in him, and I noticed all the signs of a cheater that I didn’t notice before. By the end of September, he told me he wanted a separation, but live in the same house until summer of 2019. I refused and said I would be making plans to move out sooner. The woman was seeing my husband and the other man in September and October. She was lying to my husband about this other guy. In October, he was going back and forth to me and this woman. He took my daughter around her and her kids. He stated he did this because it was his night. We never discussed custody arrangements. I have no idea what I was thinking taking him back when she was rejecting him. She was trying to break it off with him, because she wanted to be with this other guy. Mid October he told me that she’s pregnant. They weren’t sure if she was keeping it. He was looking for comfort from me when she was out with this other guy in October.
By mid November, he stopped all communication with her and he returned to me. I was nervous that he would return to her, but he didn’t. He told me that she was getting an abortion. In December, she contacted him and told him that she’s keeping the baby and is telling him, so that he can be involved. She’s due in June. At first, he told me he wanted to be involved, and then he thought it would be best for him not to be involved. He was going to tell her that she can raise the baby with this other man. She’s still dating this other guy. The day after Christmas she revealed the gender to my husband. My husband changed his mind and wants to be involved in the child’s life. Financially it will be difficult. I’ve tried speaking to him about what he wants for us. In December, he told me he wants to stay together. He’s saying he wants to be involved, but is afraid I will resent him for the rest of his life. He also discussed separating and then getting back together if we’re concerned about what my family or our friends would say/think. This way it would look as though he had the baby when we were separated. The woman is certain that it’s my husband’s baby and not the other mans. She was sleeping with both of them, but keeps insisting that she used protection with the other guy or that they didn’t have sex that often. He isn’t completely sure the baby is his, but is starting to believe her, because she keeps insisting.
I think my husband is in contact with her every day again. He’s also meeting her without telling me. He’s been getting defensive when I ask him about being in contact or meeting up with her. Prior to finding the gender, he was very open and would let me know when she was contacting him.
I will be starting counseling soon. The things that drive me crazy are the dishonesty, lies, and doing things behind my back. I get really angry because I feel I’m being lied to. Please advise.
Andrew G. Marshall says
I think getting counselling is a VERY good idea. It sounds like your husband is all over the place. He is easily manipulated by other woman. If he is constantly lying – to the other woman, to himself – and she is constantly lying (to him, her husband, the other man and herself), lies will be in the air. Do you want to be part of this? I think the answer is no. So focus on yourself, steadying yourself, coming to terms with where you are. Let him get on with his life, if he does come back asking to try again, I hope you will be strong enough to judge whether he has sorted his own head out, has learnt and judged from the experience or is just up for another round of bouncing around (and messing up everybody’s life). Well done for choosing the sanity of stepping back and getting therapy.
Elle C says
My husband was in a short living in relationship and broke it off with his ex when she was 3 months because she claimed to not love him and another man claimed that was his kid. After 3 months of dating around he met me and we had a month or so of dating before I dumped him because he was too much of a player for me. Come to find out I was pregnant. So I came back and tried to see if we could work through it all. this all happened in the summer of 2016. On feb 2017 I got contacted by his ex who had her son in nov. she was fishing for his information. By this time we were engaged. I thought this was weird and ended the conversation. In May our daughter was born and he was there and signed the bc. In Aug we we eloped with our daughter as a witness. it was sweet. we had plans for Dec to do a ceremony which we did on the 9th. That month changed our world when she sent child support papers to him making him give a dna sample. we were confident that it wasn’t his and still believe it. but after a few months it came back he was the father. this caused so many problems and he ran off a couple of times while his family didn’t know we eloped and did a ceremony and heard from her it was his son they pressured him to meet “his son” and she loves that they are for her and not me. they had met her twice early on, and only met me once after 2.5 years. the boy is 2 now and she is using him to have a secret relationship and making nice to his family while causing me to look bad and not be considered by his side. he has lied and hide the truth and now all is out. but the truth is she asked me to get a gun and shot myself and to divorce my husband and find another father for our daughter. I am in a slight different situation and now she is getting him for back child support. my husband is a hs drop out and has no work experience and he comes from a well off family. He couldn’t pay himself but she knows he has inheritance. so now my daughter and any future children are at risk of her getting what she doesn’t deserve from my husband’s family and risking our daughter who is the rightful heir. this is stressing me so much that I miscarried 3 times and my diabetes went up and now I have high blood pressure. I don’t know what to do.
Andrew G. Marshall says
I am sorry to hear your story and the about the impact on your health. I am going to throw this one out to the community and ask for their thoughts.
Char says
I don’t typically post comments on blogs, but I have found myself understanding both sides of the coin, and trying to find the answers to my own dilemma.
I have been married for almost 4 years, but with my husband almost 5.5 years. We were planning to have a child, but we were saving our money and working to improve our credit- a thing we had not given much thought having kids with other people in our early twenties. I found out a little more than a year ago that he had an affair and the woman was pregnant. I made the conscious decision to stay. We had definitive conversations about my expectations: I was fine with him having visitation with the baby, but I expected to be fully integrated in the parenting plan- I wanted equal rights, too. I wanted it to be, in a sense, as if she was the surrogate for our child, but that we would include her in the end. Not sure if that makes sense.
What ended up happening instead was this: rather than be a mature adult who could foresee the needs of the child and recognize that having 3 parents would be extremely beneficial to the child, she decided that the only person she had to deal with was my husband. She told her family that he was her boyfriend, but that he broke up with her when he found out she was pregnant- not that she was having an affair with a married man. This is not an assumption I’m making: she told me this in person, when I tried to broach the idea with her about a 3-way co-parenting. She said that, because of her religion, she would rather demonize him than to admit that she had betrayed her God and “brought shame” to her family. She has insisted he be present for, and guilt-tripped him into attending- the baby shower. I was not permitted to be at the birth, and he was not permitted to take my calls. And after my step-daughter was born, she has made it so that he is only allowed to see the baby at her home- which she shares with her family members. He cannot wear his ring or take my calls. And she demands that he do things for her and ties it into “the needs of the baby”.
Before anyone goes into telling me I’m stupid or that he’s a jerk for not insisting that his wife be included, there are a couple of things that you should know: my husband is battling a dual-diagnosis mental health issue. And he has 2 other children from other relationships that he is an active participant for. That being said, he has made it clear that his priority in this situation is to his daughter. While he loves me greatly and feels guilt, he has said he will do whatever it takes to get through this first year of being forced to visit at her home (because she is breastfeeding) and jump through her hoops to be with his daughter. And if I want to stay, I have to accept that until he can petition the courts to do something else.
It’s that part that I’m having a hard time with. I feel like there should be some kind of legislature that exists for the one-off situation like this. When a wife has a child born of an affair, the husband is defaulted to be the father until steps are taken to require that he be absolved of taking care of the child that is not his. Why isn’t this at least an option for wives- where the ones that want to be involved in the lives of the children born into their marriage get default rights, too? It’s making things so much harder for me, having to patiently wait, after already waiting nearly a year and a half at this point, for my husband to be able to ask a court to allow him to take the child elsewhere for visits.
In my heart, it feels very much like someone has taken my child and denied me visitation. I get that this is my husband’s daughter with another woman and I am not out to replace her. But in our marriage, I have been able to make it clear to the other mothers of my step-children that we are raising my son and their children as brothers and sisters- no halves or step labels. I have been able to create and sustain healthy relationships with those women and, because they understand the benefit of having me on their team (calling me to ask for stuff for the kids, sending reminders for my husband to me as well so we don’t miss deadlines, etc), I am able to be wholly included. With this woman, I have been made out to be the villain when, in fact, the actions of her and my husband have put us in a difficult place to explain this matter to our children. But I am willing to set aside blame and hostility. I just want to be around. Why does that make me such a bad person?
Thanks for reading and giving me a chance to vent.
Samantha says
it’s been three weeks since I found out my husband of 3 years of marriage have a baby girl. I have always wanted to bless my husband with a child but he told me to wait we was separated for about a 10 months due to his infidelity and made it work. We both found out bout the child 2 months after being born, now it has me back in the same spot again there are days where I’ll b happy and the next sad. I feel like it’s my fault, like a failure and the list goes on. Now when ever I here he going to see the baby or the baby name mention I feel sick to my stomach!! I love my husband to the fullest but I’m so lost don’t no how to make the pain go away.
Andrew G. Marshall says
It is not your fault. Please tell yourself this fact at least THIRTY times a day. It will help you feel a bit better but it won’t take the pain away – that will take a lot of time. Keep talking to your husband, get support and take it one day at a time. It is not your fault.
Lisette says
Very interested to read this article and following discussions. We too are in this situation with the affair partner already having three children the same as myself and my husband . I have read around this issue extensively and while I can find a lots said about the innocence of the baby very little consideration seems to be given to the impact of this on the children of the marriage . Having decided that our marriage is worth saving our greatest struggle now is to know how to handle this situation to ensure as little damage as possible is caused to our children who as yet know nothing of their fathers infidelity.
Andrew G. Marshall says
You are right. Your husband and his affair partner have thrown a stone into a pond and the ripples will effect a lot of people. Take your time and don’t make any rushed decisions about what to tell the children. However, i would definitely advise that you and your husband get counselling to be able to talk to each other calmly.
Danita Jefferson says
I am going through some things. My husband affair has been 5 years ago now but I’m still hurt. And they have a child that 5
Francesca says
I thought your words were very profound and shed some light on how I am feeling. My husbands cheated and is having a baby. He only gave me 3 months to absorb all of this, I am angry and feel like I am doing all the fighting to save our marriage. Even though he says ” he loves me more and wants me his wife, and that he doesn’t want to loose”, his action say otherwise. I would like and have asked him to not contact unless it’s about the baby, but he can’t go two days without contacting her. I am lost right now, as I feel so helpless. Baby due in April 2019
Andrew G. Marshall says
I would advise that you get counselling to provide you support on the roller coaster of emotions. This is not an experience to go through alone.
Sam says
Hi I am in a similar situation but my question has a different focus. I have been married 10 years and we have 3 daughters (6, 9, 12). My husband has always been a wonderful involved father to them. My husband told me today that he had a “fling” last year and just found out the woman has 1-month old twins. He took a paternity test and he is the father. I haven’t figured out yet whether to stay with him or divorce him. My question is this: regardless of whether we stay together or not, how do we address this with our daughters to do the least amount of harm possible to them? They adore their dad. If we try to hide it from them, someday it will come out and they will be devastated that we lied to them for years, and that they missed the chance to know their siblings as they grew up. Because of the kind of father he is to our children, I’m sure he will want to be involved in these babies’ lives, so our kids will mst likely end up knowing them. I don’t want to destroy their relationship with their father. I can figure out my own marriage stuff alone or with a counselor, but what/how/when do we tell our children in an age-appropriate way that their father had babies with someone else? I just want to protect my daughters as best I can, as I know this kind of thing can have serious long-term affects on girls and their future relationships. Note: based on text messages I have read, she only wants child support and isn’t trying to “steal” him or encourage a relationship with the babies. My question is just focused on what’s best for our 3 daughters.
Andrew G. Marshall says
This is hard to answer because it depends a lot on what you decide. It is completely different if you decide to stay together than to separate. The other issue is the age spread of the children. Is it right to tell the eldest and expect them to keep it secret from the youngest? I don’t think so. My main advice would be to give yourself plenty of time to come to an informed decision about whether to stay or go. Focus on your pain and your needs (because it feels like you are downplaying them at the moment).
Latisha says
I had a thought about this because I am new to this. It says a lot how the wife should heal and when she’s ready to accept the child then the child should be integrated into the family. I want to say I fully understand that, but coming from my point of view as the mother of an affair( if you would call it that. I wouldn’t) my stance is this. If I was left alone in a pregnancy and left to make the state hold the father financially responsible and him and his wife chose no contact ( which I’m all for. I don’t want to have contact with him at all ) let’s say 5 years from now this bio dad pops up and says “ hey my wife and I are great. The kids would like to meet their brother and my wife is ready to meet him”
What if I’m like “ hey so he’s five. The only dad he knows is John and we are so great. Your son has no idea who you are and not to be rude but can we just keep that no contact till he’s an adult. I don’t feel like bashing out my past and telling a little boy since you know you guys didn’t have any need to see or have a relationship so don’t bother us”
Is that rude? I mean if the child is good, well loved, and had a good home and a great father figure, why should I go out of my way for them to have contact when they wanted nothing to do with him when he was born? Just wanted your opinion on the other side.
I do understand the wife and husbands need to work on there marriage, but I think they should have boundaries and not disturb the child when he’s older if the “ other woman” is doing just fine.
Andrew G. Marshall says
This is a complicated situation and it is important to see it from every viewpoint. Fortunately, you seem in a good place at the moment. Well done. I would not worry about what is going to happen inf ive years time. I would worry about that when and if it happens.
Helen says
My husband tells me that his affair last 7or 8 months and that it ended when she was 4months pregnant she say it lasted for years . The child is now 15 my husband was 53 and the woman was 33 I found this out 8months ago it so hard he just say she did mean anything they work the same job I want answers a reason it says there wasn’t him being stupid I say stupid for 8months please help
Andrew G. Marshall says
I am afraid that most men try and minimise their affair – hoping that you won’t feel so bad (and to protect themselves from their guilt – so I would very surprised if it lasted only a few months. Sadly, by continuing to lie, they just make their wive’s recovery harder.
Roxy says
Hollo everyone,
I am currently dealing with this situation right now, my husband of six years just inform exactly six month ago that he had a one night stand a child was conceived,however they hide it for two years and suddenly he could hide it anymore he had to tell me. He’s been going and cominng visiting the baby and hiding it from me. He keep defending the to the point where he start feeling such guilt for not being there he went so far has to go out with her after the baby was born. I found the pictures on is google pic. For me i feel like am in hell,sick to my core because even thou he say he love me and is inlove with me. I have a million and one doubts and i keep searching for more evidence he lie even more.. I love this man,i am inlove with my husband but he shake my faith,i feel a shame and just to go die in a corner somewhere but i have a six year old so i can’t afford to really break down.
Andrew G. Marshall says
I doubt he had a one night stand and got the woman pregnant. Especially if he decided to continue to visit the woman and hide the baby’s existence. Don’t go into a corner and die. Use your anger to tell him lies might things worse.
Jen says
5 years ago I found out my husband was having an affair with a married woman. He swore it was over and we worked things out. Now I found out they’ve still been seeing each other and had a baby last year. He’s been sneaking around and giving her money. What can I do?
Andrew G. Marshall says
I would like to think he will be more honest the second time round – but I would be surprised if this is the case. However, the two of you need to talk and think through your options. What does he want to do? How practical is that option? Share my article with him and discuss the different options. It is important to keep calm, so he does not become defensive and you hear him properly. If this is impossible – because I am sure that feelings are running high – I suggest that you fix some sessions with a marital therapist to help facilitate this conversation.
Cindy Dicken says
The stories of the other women are breaking my already broken heart. My husband & I started dating when we were 16. We went to different colleges and agreed we should not refrain from other possible relationships since we started so early , but that we needed to be honest with each other. I always knew my husband loved to party in college and even after we were married but totally believed he was faithful . We became engaged the summer before our senior year and married the next summer after graduation. Fast forward 43 years. My husband was reached by a 43 year old woman because she discovered he is her father through ancestry.com. She was made 6 months before we were married. Then out comes his confessions of having multiple one night stands in college and one in a car almost 20 years after our marriage. We have taken a lot of steps on our own that are recommended in the article. Our marriage was about as perfect as any could be for the past 20 years. Now this. I’m sick to my stomach , but I know it could be much worse. Just lots of soul searching.
Andrew G. Marshall says
I can understand why you are sick to the stomach but you are right to think about how much worse it could be. Be patient with yourself, this takes a lot of getting used to. But be grateful that your husband seems to be understanding the enormity of what has happened. If you feel that he is not supporting you enough, it might be a good idea to reach out to a professional.
Lerato says
My husband has a6myths oldbaby with another woman how will it affect my 10yrs old daughter as she is aware abt it..pls help
Andrew G. Marshall says
It is impossible to predict because every child is different. You can help her by being available to talk to her and validate her feelings about it – whatever they might be. Try to be calm about the topic with her because if you are flooded, she is likely to be too.
Lauren says
Hi I’ve been married 23 years and found out 9 months ago my husband had is having a affair of 5 years and has a 2 year old son… I forgave him and brought he’s son into my family we have 3 kids together but in these 9 months he’s lied to me over and over telling me it over when I’m fact he was still with her… he’s left me on numerous occasions only to come back and tell me I’m to important to him and he loves me and then I catch him again and again… I even look after he’s child on a weekly basis the other women is seriously not right I have had to get restraining orders against her and harassment cases as she send me the most vial messages all the time… I just don’t know anymore what to do he’s now told me it’s over she has threatened him assalted him swears at him calls her own child a cunt and yet he still talks to her she manipulates him with the child we have proof she is an unfit mother and yet he still does nothing it makes me very sad and questioning wether I should even carry on fighting for my marriage my kids are affected when I question him he gets defensive and lands up me feeling guilty… he even changed he’s pass words on he’s phone…. she is now taking him to maintenance court and I’m tierd of her getting her way yet he can’t see her for the trash she is I need help
Andrew G. Marshall says
I want you to focus on what is right for you! Not your husband. Not the other woman. Not the child. Please consider getting therapy, so you can look at this horrible mess calmly and clearly and set appropriate boundaries. If your husband needs time away to find out for himself what kind of woman she is, that is what it will take. You can’t do the work for him. You can only do your own work.
Elizabeth says
My husband and I were not yet married when I became pregnant. We had only been dating a few months. Around the same time I conceived, he briefly cheated on me. She also became pregnant. I found out when I was 6 most pregnant and he was deployed in Afghanistan. Talk about a stressful pregnancy. I ultimately made the decision to stay with him, and welcome the child into our life. It has been full of challenges, but something I have never regretted. Dealing with the mistress has been a consistent rollercoaster of negative and positive experiences, unfortunately mostly negative. We now have two 8 year old girls, born exactly 2 weeks apart, and also 4yr old b/g twins.
My stepdaughter recently moved in with us because we can offer her more support at home for struggles she has with learning. The move has brought challenges I never expected. My 8yr old daughter, who has been raised knowing/loving her sister and seeing her on a regular weekly basis, is having a very difficult time with her sister moving in with us. She is sad a lot, and I think she feels replaced in some ways. She has gone from being the oldest 70% of the time, to now sharing that role with her 3 week younger sister all the time. She’s having to share extra curricular activities that she was once excited to share with her sister, but now that the newness has worn off – I think she resents those activities no longer being “hers”.
It breaks my heart to see my first born struggling, while at the same time I’m so happy to see my stepdaughter making progress in school and thriving on the schedule and structure we give her. I have reached out to a couple different family counselors this week and am trying to set up counseling for the big girls, in addition to family counseling for us as a whole.
The most incredible part of it all, is that the whole situation continues to make my relationship with my husband stronger. We work together to face each road block that gets in our way. My hope is that through the ups and down, tears and joy, we are showing our children a love story of forgiveness and grace, and teaching them to learn how to embrace the curve balls that life will inevitably throw at them.
Elizabeth says
Please excuse the many grammatical errors in my post… I was writing it on little sleep, early in the morning, after spending 2 hours online looking for advice on the matter we are discussing.
Griffyn Seib says
My question is what affects does this have on the child born of infidelity. How is their life set back or set forward because of this? How will their life be impacted by this? Will they feel like an outcast in the family?
Andrew G. Marshall says
It is impossible to predict because every child will react differently. It depends very much on how everyone around them sees the situation. If a child feels wanted and loved by their mother and her family. He or she will have positive feelings about him or herself. If the message is repeated over and over: your father didn’t want you. It will make a child feel rejected. It is not just trhe behaviour of the father that counts but the feelings of the mother and the story she tells herself and her child too.
Kristiana says
My husband had to admit to a one night stand. He was court ordered for DNA test due the mother giving baby up for adoption. They say the baby has rights and they have to try to locate the father. The mother is remaining anonymous and washed her hands of it. We find out in 18 days. He wants the baby so I told him if he goes that route to leave. I have 2 daughters with him age 8 and 15. We’ve been married 25 years. I’m heart broken.
Andrew G. Marshall says
What a horrible situation. No wonder feelings are running high. I hope that the result comes back as negative to him being the father. If it doesn’t, and it would be a good idea even so, I think you should find a neutral party to help you talk together. You need to do a lot of talking to discover what has gone wrong in your marriage and whether it is possible to repair it. My fear is your husband will agree to give up the baby (if it is his) because he doesn’t want to lose you and for a quiet life. All his pain and resentment will go inside and he will end up having another affair. I’m not saying you should take on the kid but that the two of you need to do a lot of talking and make the decision together – not with a loaded gun to each other’s head (which is how it feels now).
Lindy says
Am also in the same situation I’ve been married for 7years and we have two kids , 4 years ago I found out that my husband was cheating on me and he kept on denying the affair saying they are just friends. and finally the girl he cheated with got pregnant and gave birth two years back an I knew about en I decided to keep quiet because I felt like if I confront him about it I will be making things easy for him , so I kept quiet even though I was hurting and I waited for him to tell me about it and for two years now the kid is turning ,few days days back we were in a certain function en the girl was also there ,I couldn’t keep quite en I asked him if he was still seeing the girl en he said no .an I asked are you still talking to her an he says yes en I asked then if you not seeing her anymore then what’s the conversation about , I kept on provoking him to tell the truth, en he finally did en tried to explain why he has not told me about .funny because I can see the guilt en shame in his eyes but still don’t believe anything his saying to me ,all my anger came back ,all the hurt , I just don’t know what to do he has said sorry as he says he’s not charting to the girl ever since the baby was born end the girl has called him a month ago when the kid was seek an he had to send money to her .,I don’t know what am looking for that can convince me that his telling the truth .i think am so full of anger right now and I don’t want to make a wrong disition about all this , I feel played , I’ve made a full buy him , up to the point that I made a promise to my self never ever to cry because of him .he says his willing to do anything to safe our marriage. Just help me see what am looking for , something that can really convince me that he means that his sorry it won’t happen again , I just don’t know if I can forget this betrayal.
Andrew G. Marshall says
I am sorry that you have joined the worst club in the world (but as you have discovered from the number of comments, you are not alone). My best advice is don’t make any ‘on the spur of the moment’ decisions. Your husband should be in therapy so he understands why he let himself be played (and continues to be played) by this woman. Normally, it is because they are people pleasers who want the world to love them and therefore can’t say NO. You will also need support too. Two years keeping this secret is an incredible burden – find somewhere to offload and share some of that pain too.
Qaqa says
Iam in that situation now I found that my husband of 16 years he was cheating on me with 2 women and the other one has a 2 years old son with the dating for 3 years with mother of that bastard child. I have 2kids with him. We decided to fix things but I can tell you that I dnt trust him any more. I hate that child with all my heart I know it not fair for that child. I wish all bad things to happen to him. I think the I feel will be better I always think about how to punish them everyday.
Andrew G. Marshall says
If you want to punish your husband every day – and you keep feeling this once the shock has worn off – it does not sound like the foundation for a good marriage. If that is the case, you have two choices: get professional help for your marriage or ask him to leave
Ashley says
It has been 4 weeks since my husband of one year told me that he has been cheating on me for over a year with his former coworker and he currently has a 3 month old daughter with her. He told me that he wanted to change, to start building a life with me and build our future together, but he needed to be fully honest with me first. That was when he told me. He said that he couldn’t live with himself anymore lying to me over and over again by withholding the truth. He wants to work it out with me because I am supposedly the love of his life. He wanted to have kids and raise the kids with me, have a family, buy a house, have a wedding with me and grow old together. He said he made a mistake and that he would do everything in his power to make it up to me. He claims that he just used the girl for sex and he had no feelings for her. She told him that she could not get pregnant so he had unprotected sex with her. When she told him that she was pregnant, he got mad that she lied to him and said to abort it because he did not want a kid with her. They stopped talking for while; she did not work with him anymore. She reached out to him again once the baby was born. She said that he does not have to be involved with the baby financially or legally because she has a well-off family that will support her. Nonetheless, she did say that she wanted him to be a part of the baby’s life. I am so pissed off. I am in so much pain and sometimes I feel like I can’t breath. I was suppose to be the first. I was suppose to have his kid first. And I feel like he took that from me. I am trying to cope with that loss. I have been going to therapy which has helped clear my mind a bit and understand why he did what he did. I don’t think he is ready to be a father right now and he does not think he is ready either. He keeps telling me that he won’t cheat on me again. He keeps telling me that he made a mistake and he feels terrible for hurting me. He does not want to lose me. I don’t know if I should believe him, I still feel like he is lying to me. I don’t trust him and I am scared that if I were to ever have kids with him, that one day, he will leave me and my kids behind to go to someone else. What do I do?
Andrew G. Marshall says
It is fine not to trust him. Trust comes at the end of the recovery journey. I am glad the therapy is helping you. If your husband is serious about saving your marriage, he needs to consider getting help too. It will help him make the changes he has promised and understand why he became vulnerable to an affair (and had sex with someone he had no feelings for). In time, you might consider some couple counselling to help you talk through what has happened but the focus for now should be on getting you both to a better place. Finally, I would suggest on focusing on recovering TODAY rather than the future (and what he will no if you have kids someday). Every time, you look to far into the future you will panic, concentrate on making it through this week and the next. That’s more than enough work for now.
Sarah says
Hi. I am going through the exact same thing I finally found someone who I can relate to as I did not have any kids with him. Please may you respond as I see that this is recently please respond by telling me ur email address I could
Really do with someone to speak to especially someone I can relate to. Thank you
Andrew G. Marshall says
If Ashley would like to have Sarah’s email address, please send me a message. (I will not publish your email address but use it to pass on her address to you.)
Kaytee says
This time last year my husband began having an affair, with a girl we both worked with, she was my friend, a bit of a tart, kissing half the staff, and then just after Xmas I discovered the affair, he told me it was a one off. I got no answers from her, she found out she was pregnant, they went for a scan together and I was in the dark, knew nothing, my husband realised he wanted me and our family (we have 3 kids together) and that this was all a massive mistake, I found out when she was ten weeks pregnant about the child, we both asked her to think about us and not bring the child into all of this mess but she carried on with the pregnancy, he told her he didn’t want to be involved but would support her financially, the baby was born and she didn’t inform him, until he contacted to ask if the baby had arrived, he had, the week before, my husband did the DNA and the result came back yesterday that he is indeed the father. He says he doesn’t want to be involved, but I think deep down that is cos he thinks he will lose me, I don’t know what to do about it all. Ideally I would like him to have no contact or involvement, so that it is easier for me and him to try and move past this… however I can’t stop thinking about this poor child who didn’t deserve to come into the mess of it all, and that he is the innocent part, he did nothing wrong except be born, I feel for him. I love my husband but I’m not sure i can do all of this, I feel that it’d be best for us to end so that he can have some
Involvement in the child’s life, and I guess I am putting everyone’s feelings before mine, but I love him and fear I can’t let go. Someone please help me what to do from now, I’m so confused, so stuck, so lost.
Andrew G. Marshall says
Why do you put everyone else’s needs before your own? My guess is that you have done it the whole of your life. Could now be a good time to put your needs into the equation too? If your husband says he wants to be with you and your children. Let’s take that at face value. When you think about the ‘poor child’, tell yourself he does not need a father at the moment. It is when he is a bit older and goes off to school and discovers other boys have fathers is when he might need your husband. It is certainly easier to have access the mother does not have to be always present and when the affair is still so fresh. If you still feel generous when the boy is older then you can support your husband’s contact and be part of the boys life too.
Kelly says
I have a husband for 18 years just find out 1 year ago that he have a daughter 14 years old
We have 2 son together and my 2 son and the daughter have the same age
I don’t know how to move on it is very hard the little girl live for away in Canada so I don’t know nothing about her and he will not talk about it
The little girl mom have a boyfriend
I need to talk to him about all of it I don’t know if will be a good idea I am very hurt
I am going true Surviving cansar just have 1 year
I am going true so much
And know he think that he is the best husband
My nice always telling me that she doesn’t know how can I stay with him I just don’t know what to do
I love him but I am very hurt and he chits on me more and 3 times ofter the little girl mom and wend I confront him he always laid and my sons they used to say that I didn’t what a family that I was the one that was laying but know they know and know they said if I get a divorce the will understand how I am dealing with medical health issues but I look like nothing wrong with me
I don’t know what to do I am so sad
I a lot more but this is what on my mind the most
Andrew G. Marshall says
I am really sorry to hear about your sad news. I think you need someone to talk to who will just listen and let you pour everything out – without judging you (like I am afraid your niece is doing). Do you have a friend who can do that? Your pastor? Could you speak to a therapist? It will help to get all your thoughts in order and to decide what to do next.
Sherni says
I only found out about his affair the month the child was born and the most hurtful part was my baby was only 1yr 6months and we had agreed not to have anymore children after 3 daughter’s then he goes and has an affair and has a son.
Mitzi says
Hi my husband and I have been together for over 18 years, yesterday out of the blue tells me “we’re going to be parents” I said excuse me? Then he tries to tell me, didn’t you tell me we are going to have a grand child? I just think he’s trying to down play something he has done with another woman! I am confused about the comment! Should I be worried?
Andrew G. Marshall says
If your gut is telling you something, and it is strong enough to write to me, I would listen to it
Unknown says
I had a child with a married man not proud of it. But l gave them space to deal with their marriage but she is stalking me and harrassing me.Has denied him a relationship with his son and even attempted to revoke the child support payments. I have tried to be nice but she will have meltdowns and threaten to come to my house or work.
Andrew G. Marshall says
Sorry to hear that you are being stalked. I expect the wife is beside herself with anger. It is hard to find that your husband has cheated on you and even worse if he has had a child as she fears they can never put it behind them. If you read the other posts on this blog you will get an idea of the devastation. However, that doesn’t make it right to stalk you. Congratulations on trying to be nice. I know it is heard to continue when you get threats. However, it is in the long term interests of the child if you and her can co-operate as that will make it easier for him to see his father. Could you find a go between, a wise friend of yours who can talk to her and broker a cease fire?
Unknownn says
Thank you for the response. But l am just going to let her be for now.In the end he will resent her for not having a relationship with his son. Even when l sent a picture of his son without me in it she finds a reason to start a fight with me. I have just blocked her and she can deal with him.
Rachel says
I need to talk to someone, my husband of 16 years had an affair for 3 months he left home to live with his parents. After 3 months he decided we couldn’t be apart and came back and we worked things out.
His parents never contacted me once during the time we were apart and accepted the other woman into there home with no questions asked.
Since us getting back together we have moved out of the area to make a fresh start, I was in pieces my husband is my world he came into our family I had 2 boys from a previous marriage which he took on as his own. 8 years later he said he couldn’t cope and broke all our hearts when he left.
We have been together again now for 8 years. His mother doesn’t like me. Nothing was ever mentioned about the affair. Then the woman announced she was pregnant. Now 8 years on his mother is putting pressure on him to see the child now 8. We have had no contact with the woman since he left.
He has always said he doesn’t want children and wants nothing to do with the woman even though she has his child. Now all of a sudden he wants to be involved in the child’s life. His mother and her mother have chats when I’m not around, I wouldn’t be surprised if she isn’t in contact with the woman.
I literally don’t know what to do. By seeing the child it means seeing the woman I can’t do this. Also she has another child with a man she is due to marry. He’s already messed up our lives once and seems he’s on that road again. I’m being blamed for everything again, I’m being unreasonable etc. He will upset the child whom he has never met and has a new family. He doesn’t think of the repercussions this will have on the people and families involved.
He made his choice to leave now he wants to see his daughter as he says he’s not cold hearted. All those raw feelings of pain and hurt have come to the surface and whilst I would never want to part with my husband I think this is just too much deal with.
Please help me
Andrew G. Marshall says
There is a lot of talking that needs to be done. It sounds like your pain from his infidelity have not been processed and just pushed under the surface. I wonder if he did the same with his feelings for his child. It sounds like his mother has been grieving for her lost grandchild (and perhaps that’s why she is so keen to open up the lines of contact with the OW). Let’s look at the plus points, the child is eight so beyond at the very beginning (when his daughter does not know your father) the OW women does not need to be involved. The child is old enough to be picked up and dropped off at the door by your husband without on-going close contact with her mother. Furthermore, the OW is not interested in your husband. She is about to get married. For her, this is probably old history. So how could you deal with contact? What would need to change? You sound like you desperately need someone to talk to and truly listen to you (because it sounds like everybody has been trying to shut you down). What about getting some counselling? Could you and your husband go for couple counselling, so you have a neutral person who can listen to you BOTH and find a way forward.
Hurt says
Hello, I’ve been together with my husband for 29 years since we were 16 years old. We had a baby at 18 and then at 25. Two beautiful girls. They are totally and completely daddy girls. They are now 27 and 21 and still my husband is there world and vise versa. I found out I had ovarian cancer at the age of 30 and ended up with a total hysterectomy and my husband was so supportive and always has till this day. I seriously got so depressed for that reason that I couldn’t have kids anymore but thank God my girls were so active and had my husband And I running around like crazy, that I was able to get over that depression and with my husbands love everything was great. Well of course girls grew up left to college and things just changed. My husband and I love each other so much I know that for a fact but he started working more and I started working more and I missed my girls so much that I think my depression kicked in again. So what happened I would go see my girls about two times a week whenever I was off. My priority were my girls that I was leaving my husband alone more and more often. Then when I was home I was just working and I was not even intimate with him anymore. So after a couple of years I could tell that things were just so off that we weren’t really even talking anymore. We were living together but we were separated physically and mentally. Well in September I eventually found out he had cheated on me with his co worker and I guess it had happened a couple of time or maybe even more in the past year. But he stopped talking to her and even had her transferred to another store after I found out. But you know what after I found out we spoke and just told each other how we felt and worked things out and low and behold, I don’t know if it was a blessing in disguise but our relationship is so much better and we are communicating better. But in the end of December till about a couple of days ago I could totally see something was wrong. His demeanor changed and I just felt something wrong. I don’t condone this or never have I done this before but I looked at his phone and I saw sonogram pictures and my mind went a thousand million ways. Of course I confronted him and he started crying and telling me that He fucked up and she had told him back in December that she was pregnant and wanted to know what he was going to do, leave me or what. He told her straight up that he was never going to leave me and our kids and he was gonna do his duty and pay for child support. So now I know why his demeanor changed. When I found those sono pictures of course I asked him if he said anything to her and he said no and he erased them after I found them. She had just sent them hours before I found out. So of course I had to confirm with the other woman which she is delusional thinking that he is gonna leave me, but I asked her if he was even talking to her and she said no the last time was in September and then In December when she told him he was pregnant. It’s only been a couple of days and I’m still trying to process this. He told me he was even contemplating suicide cause he was so scared to lose me and my girls. I mean I love this man and I know for a fact he loves me. I’m not going to let a stupid mistake or a stupid girl take my family and my 30 year relationship from me. But I’m just so confused and hurt. What do I do?
Hurt says
We are starting therapy today and I hope to get answers on how to deal with this. But I do know for a fact that I won’t accept this child. I have no sympathy for the other woman because she knew he was married and she has 3 other kids with different fathers. And believe me my husband is paying for it right now and he paid for it the day I found out. But like i said before I know he loves me so much and I love him so much. He said it was a fuck up and the result is a mistake. He says all he wants to do is just pay child support. He says he has his family already. I have mixed emotions cause I know the child is at no fault. But like I said before I am not accepting the child and my husband has agreed to that and says he does not want anything to do with them. I can’t speak for the future but for now that’s how it is.
Andrew G. Marshall says
Thank you for such a thoughtful message. So what are you going to do? If you want the gold standard for recovering from something like this, I would suggest the following. Counselling for you, so you have someone who you can spill out all your pain – because there is only so much you can do with this to your husband without him being overwhelmed with shame. I think it would also be helpful to talk about your depression and the huge loss when your daughters left home (and the cancer diagnosis). There is a lot there. I would suggest counselling for him too. So he can talk about his unhappiness which brought him to making this mistake and to find out why he couldn’t speak up and tell you his unhappiness. Finally, when you are both over the shock of what has happened, couple counselling to work through together what has happened, share your personal discoveries and build a satisfying post children marriage. I know it sounds a lot of work but the effort will really pay off. Don’t brush this under the carpet.
Hurt says
Well we have been going to counseling and it helps to vent my feelings cause I sure don’t want to be just asking my husband details and for answers cause I know it will push him away. So the counseling sure does help me get answers and vent. Of course I do have my moments and my husband understands that I am going to breakdown sometimes. He has been very supportive and understanding. Of course he still is scared that there is a chance I might leave him, but like I said before I can’t just let him go and the reason being is because I know he loves me and he has made it so clear that he wants me and no one else. If he didn’t want me then of course I am not going to make him stay with me. But By the Grace of God or relationship has gotten so much better, communication is great and being intimate again is wonderful. Of course we have spoken about the baby again because before I said I did not want anything to do with it and that he was not to have anything to do with it ever but I know he has to pay child support and in the future once the baby is older we will see what happens. But one thing for sure the OW/Whore I will not tolerate being around or even trying to talk with him. I will be the mediator. I know he has not had any contact at all with her. We are just waiting for it to be born and do a DNA test and pay child support and any other duty he has to do. And like I said before once the child is older get to know the baby. I know this is going to be a long and hard process but I know we can get through this cause our relationship is strong always has been and now even stronger. But all I know is that we love each other so much and my daughters love us so much and we are a family. But what I think what’s makes it a great unit is because we did practically grew up together including kids, and also my husband and I are not only husband and wife but we are definitely BEST FRIENDS! We have always been able to tell each other everything. I just do hope for the best and I know God is always with us. God willing I will be able to post in the future Positive things about us. I’m a fighter and my family is everything. Of course I have my down days but my relationship with my husband helps me get through it. Things don’t always have to end up in divorce. Don’t make sudden decisions in the heat of the moment. Communication is key and that’s what we didn’t have for about two years.
Andrew G. Marshall says
I am sorry that you have joined the worse club in the world. However, from the numbers of comments on this post, you will see that this is not as an exclusive a club as you would think. In comparison with a lot of people on this thread, you are doing OK. You are your husband are talking and you have become best friends again. However, I would urge you to get some support. I know from working with women in your situation just how hard the coming months (and years are going to be). So find a therapist or someone at your church where you can talk, unwind and feel less alone. Look after yourself. You are in my prayers.
Yolanda says
Two weeks ago, I received a phone call from a woman saying she had a child with my husband 34 years ago. My husband was in the same room, so I confronted him. He said they were both high and drunk when it happened. I ask the woman why bring up a one night stand now. She said they had been together for three months, he told her he was married and had two children and he loved us. She proceeded to provide my children’s names, mine, where we lived and personal details he shared with her. This was not the only woman he was involved in that particular time. There was another woman at the same time and place who he was having sex with. This other woman even believed him when he told her he was coming back home to divorce me so he could live with her. At the time, I left home with my two children. He begged me to come back, asked for forgiveness, said he loved me and that it was a mistake and he would never do it again. I reluctantly came back into our relationship. I don’t want to lie, he changed drastically and from then on, dedicated himself to be a good husband, provider, and father. Now, at 39 years of marriage, this comes out! I asked him why he didn’t tell me at the time. He says he had already hurt me when I found out about the other woman back in that year and he didn’t want to add more wood to the fire by letting me know he was involved with both of them at the same time. He said he was sure if he’d told me that I would ask for a divorce and leave him forever. I am in so much pain! I’ve given him 39 years of my life! I wish hed told me so I would’ve moved on and had a chance to re-do my life with someone that would’ve really loved me and respected me. Now, I’m 65 years old, with chronic illnesses, what am I going to do? I have lost more than 20 pounds in less than two weeks and feel weak, helpless. Someone, please, give me some guideness.
Andrew G. Marshall says
It is natural and normal to feel this shock and anger. So please don’t beat yourself up. It sounds like you need to pour out all your feelings to someone. Perhaps a therapist or someone at your church – someone not involved in the whole sorry story. When you have got everything out, you will begin to pick through the wreckage and see where you go from here. But give yourself the time and the luxury of being able to talk it all out.
Ndapandula says
My husband had 2 affairs and has 2 children from different women and I just found out how do deal with it
Andrew G. Marshall says
I think ‘deal with it’ sounds like there is a simple answer. I’m afraid there is not. Listen to him. Watch how he reacts. See what sort of man he is. Does he have any viable suggestions for what to do next? Does he sound like a man that you want to be with?