Relationship Advice
My Husband Cheated and Had a Child
It’s hard to get over an affair, but what if your husband cheated and had a child?
Moving on from infidelity is always painful and complicated, but if a child was born from the affair, there’s now a permanent reminder of your partner’s extreme betrayal of trust.
Janine, 42, is trying to come to terms with the devastating impact of her husband Mark’s affair:
“Mark’s mistress had a baby 4 months ago and I am struggling to cope with this, as well as the knowledge that the affair had been going on for five years. We are trying to stay together but I don’t know how to cope with the baby. He sees her once a week but the affair is over (or so he says). I am trying not to nag, but I feel very angry a lot of the time and want to say nasty things to punish him. There always seems to be a dark atmosphere at the weekend when the visit is due. I don’t know what to do to try and cope with the situation and move forward.”
Conventional wisdom is that couples in Janine and Mark’s situation have two options:
- Going “no contact”: the father of the child meets only basic legal and financial commitments.
- Full involvement: both the father and the wife to whom he has been unfaithful are fully involved in the child’s life, and the child is integrated into the family (as a child from a previous relationship normally would be).
Unfortunately, both these options are incredibly difficult and fraught with pitfalls. Having counselled a number of couples in this position, I can explain the pluses and minuses of each option.
If you’re in this situation, it will help to know what’s coming, and to recognise that neither option will be without considerable pain, and many discouraging setbacks.
- By Andrew G. Marshall
- Relationship Advice
Going "No Contact"
“I just found out that my husband of 10 years has a 2-month-old baby with his mistress. He tells me that he doesn’t have any feelings for the other woman and that it was a huge mistake. He tells me that he loves me and that I’m the world to him. We also have 2 children together. I don’t know what to do. I feel so much pain.” (Maria, via website comments).
If you’re in the ‘my husband cheated and had a child’ dilemma, going “no contact” can sound like the perfect solution. There’s a clean break, and surely that’s got to be best for your marriage? It also feels like concrete proof that you’re his number one priority.
However, there are five key pitfalls. It will help to discuss these and be ready to meet them head-on.
- Shame: Your husband will be full of shame and guilt for ‘letting down his baby’ and this will be played on by the affair partner. I know he should also be feeling shame and guilt for letting YOU down but, in his mind, by staying with you he’s already doing the right thing.
- Regret: Your husband wants to save your marriage and will agree to anything. At the time, he will say ‘no contact’ and mean it, but he’s got all this guilt and shame, and now he’s had time to reflect he’s wondering if the second option might be better. He doesn’t dare to say anything in case there’s more tears and anger, so that brings me to point three.
- Dishonesty: Your husband is likely to lie. This is not because he’s a bad man but because lying is the only way to keep two people happy (the mother of his new child, and you) and he’s spent months and possibly years doing just that. He’s in the habit of solving an immediate crisis by promising the moon and stars (to both of you) but that just puts off the evil moment until you discover the secret texts, new email account, etc.
- Grief: Your husband needs to mourn. Perhaps he’s already met the baby and bonded or perhaps he needs to mourn the idea of being involved in the baby’s life. Unfortunately, mourning involves a lot of thinking about the baby and many men mistake that for a sign that he ‘should’ be involved with the child. In a weak moment, it’s easy to assuage the guilt by sending a text to enquire about the baby’s health. This lets him feel less of a monster – until you find out about it, of course.
- Conflict is exhausting: Inevitably you will get angry and there will be stressful, depleting arguments. A couple of days later, you will feel sorry and take back everything – you were tired or it was in the aftermath of finding another text. Unfortunately, this reinforces his doubts about whether it’s possible to save the marriage and encourages him to keep his options open (and check out her Facebook page).
Integrating the child into the family
This option has compassion for the innocent child born from the affair, and if you’re truly involved – including seeing all the correspondence that goes back and forth – you can feel confident he’s not going behind your back and you can begin to rebuild trust.
However, there are five key pitfalls:
- You can’t control the affair partner’s thinking: His affair partner possibly had the baby to ‘win’ your husband. In her mind, full of magical thinking, if he holds his baby in his hands the ‘scales will fall from his eyes’ and he will ‘know’ that he should be with her. In other words, she’s not just looking out for her child: she may still want your partner as part of the package.
- The baby’s mother will always be in your life: He can’t have a relationship with the baby without a relationship with the mother. With babies and young children, access will always involve seeing the mother. She is likely not to be keen on allowing you to be part of this access, because she is, in many cases, unstable and prone to seeing you as the enemy.
- The affair partner may not co-operate: The affair partner needs to be mature and put the interests of the baby first, but often, this just doesn’t happen. She will tell herself that her interests and the baby’s interests line up: they both need your husband, and that would be the best outcome for her child. It is not very likely that her goal will be to help you save your marriage by cooperating over access.
- Dishonesty: Your husband is probably still going to lie. He wants to keep everybody happy so he tells white lies – like he’s only going to call into the 1st birthday party for half an hour, when in fact he has already agreed to stay and help the mother clear up afterwards.
- The communication gets too hard: Everybody needs to be a great communicator to make it work. Sadly your husband is a people pleaser (and says what will keep other people happy). That’s why he didn’t speak up about his unhappiness and ended up being tempted by an affair in the first place. You’re angry, hurt and resentful and that doesn’t make for good communication either. Finally, the baby’s mother probably has an unspoken agenda and will say one thing but do another.
“I recently found out my husband has a three-year-old daughter. Our own baby is eight years old. I am so devastated and confused. Sometimes I think I can do this, that I can step aside and let him have a relationship with her, but it is killing me inside. I feel like she is stealing my life.”
(Sheri, via website comments).
Five tips for solving this dilemma
I wouldn’t be surprised if you’re full of despair but it is possible to find a way forward – if only slowly and with lots of good communication. Here are my five best tips (from the coal face of trying to make ‘my husband cheated and had a child’ work in the real world).
- Learn to manage your anger. It is natural to get angry. So please don’t beat yourself up if your good intentions slip. It’s fine to report your anger – ‘I’m angry with you because…’ but things won’t work if you verbally abuse your husband, or generally take your feelings out on him. I know I’m asking a lot but that’s why you need to seek personal counselling to help you recover from the shock and mourn the loss of the ‘great’ husband that you thought you had, and move towards accepting the ‘doing his best under difficult circumstances’ husband.
- Don’t indulge in magical thinking. It’s easy to think ‘if he stops contacting her everything will be fine’ or to believe ‘if he truly loved me, he wouldn’t be doing this.’ In reality, he might be slowly but surely giving up on contacting her, but slipped up with another white lie because it takes time to break bad habits. In addition, it is possible to love you but also to want to know how the baby is doing. I would also counsel against the magical thinking that ‘divorce will make me feel better.’ Of course divorce is an option – and one some people choose – but don’t expect it to make everything better. Your husband will still be torn between two families and all the poor communication and lies will still be there (but you’ll have less influence over him). You’ll probably still be angry but for different reasons.
- Don’t set arbitrary tests. The most common one is ‘any contact behind my back and that’s the end’. However, contact does not have to be a setback. I was counselling a couple where he did meet up with the affair partner for a drink. His wife was angry, of course, but she was calm – and more resigned than anything. It helped that he told her about it (although a few weeks afterwards). Under these circumstances, they were able to talk properly (because he didn’t get defensive) and see the situation for what it really was: a setback rather than the end of the world. Ultimately, it made the man start to think ‘what did I see in her in the first place?.’
- Break the future into manageable chunks. If you focus on getting through the next few months, that will feel possible, if you start thinking about forever, that’s when it gets too much and you’ll both start to catastrophise. In addition, there will probably need to be different solutions when the child is different ages. When the child is older, his or her mother will probably have given up her fantasy of a full-time father (and might have married someone else) and you will feel differently too. So any solution, at this point, is going to be a somewhat temporary one.
- Keep talking. Although it seems like you’re staring into a black abyss, if you keep talking you will find chinks of light. It helps if you don’t let every argument become about the baby, especially if it’s really about leaving towels on the bathroom floor. In addition, talking (and listening) will help you improve your communication skills and that’s an asset whatever happens.
“I began to be able to understand why and how we had got into this mess and I am now a much stronger person and have reached a place where I no longer feel the pain of it all – although of course there are moments when I do. In fact, I can honestly say that this crisis has become a (totally!) unwanted opportunity to make important changes in my life which have benefited not only me but my family.”
(Jane, via my website comments).
Six Questions About the Children of Affairs
Q. I just found out that my husband had an affair. It lasted 2 months. She is pregnant. I cannot have children. We are trying to reconcile, but he is so torn up. He will of course want to be a father to the baby. But I am not sure he can separate those feelings from the mother of his child. I’m scared to try and work through this situation. I don’t know if he is strong enough. Part of me wants to stay and part of me wants to go. He says he wants to try, but he is scared as well. (Lucie, via website comments)
A. It takes a long time to recover from something so devastating and you’ll need help. Find a good therapist who will listen and allow the two of you to talk everything through. Don’t forget there is a third part to this triangle. Not only does he need to separate his feelings for the child from his feelings for the woman, but is she prepared to do the same by detaching her emotions towards him?
Q. My husband just confessed and said he slept with this woman once, and has now found out he could be a father to a six-month-old baby. I don’t know what to believe.
A. Don’t believe him or her! He has to earn your trust. Ask more questions about the affair so you can begin to understand what happened. In my experience, it is unlikely that they only slept together once. I would also want a paternity test, if she is asking for financial or emotional support from your husband. My book How Can I Ever Trust You Again? will help, as it explains the stages of recovery. You are at Stage One (shock), and you need to move to Stage Two (intense questioning) before you’ll be ready to make an informed choice.
Q. I am bringing up the issue of the baby a lot with my husband, because it’s always on my mind. It hurts so badly every day, especially because it’s nearly time for the baby to arrive. I am getting more and more angry because everyone knows, and I feel stupid for still wanting my marriage to work. He is asking me to stop mentioning the baby, and tells me he knows he messed up and that he’s sorry. (Tori, via website comments)
A. There is no right or wrong number of times to talk about this topic – there’s a lot to discuss! At the same time, it’s hard for him if every discussion – including ‘where’s all the milk gone?’ – ends up being about his infidelity. Conversely, if you feel you can’t bring it up, then you will feel resentful and end up exploding with anger (which doesn’t prompt productive talks either). Discuss with your husband how to find the right balance between the baby being a forbidden topic and the only one. Consider having a set time once or twice a week to talk. If you do go down this route, it is important to stick to the agreement (even if he’s not feeling up to it) because it’s better than constantly being ambushed by it.
Q. My husband had an affair and his child with the affair partner is now four years old. They live in Mexico. We are trying to work things out, but she writes to him a lot and tries to make him feel sorry for the little girl. She also continually asks for money, including for things like a mobile phone so that my husband can talk to the child. (Claire, via website comments)
A. My guess is that your husband is caught in a shame cycle. He feels shame for his infidelity, for bringing the girl into the world and for the hurt he’s caused you. Shame is a horrible emotion and we want to push it away immediately – and sending a cheque is the easiest way. Instead of debating whether the other woman’s latest request is fair or not (which just sets the two of you at each other’s throats), talk about the feelings that they prompt in him. Listen and ask more questions. You’ll find the techniques explained in my book I Love You But I’m Not In Love With You.
Q. My husband cheated right before we got married. Three days before my wedding, his mistress told me she was pregnant. I was hurt but still went through with the marriage. A few months have passed and I am slowly and painfully accepting it. My husband is away for his job with the military, so I am talking to the affair partner about the child.I feel she’s not really looking out for the best interests of her child. We will have to pay child support so we should get our time with the baby as well. I need some insight on how to handle her. I’m trying to be the bigger person, but I honestly think she is just bitter. (Joanna, via website comments)
A. I doubt that you are going to get very far with talking to this woman because you are coming from two totally different places. To be honest, you want her out of your life but, as that’s not possible, you believe what’s best for the child is to have a relationship with your husband (and that involves you too). She believes what’s best for the child is for it to have a father. Full stop. Therefore, you are seen as the wicked witch who needs to be cast out to protect her child and her love for this man. So by all means try talking to her, but I would keep your expectations low and plan accordingly.
Q. My husband had an affair with a co-worker, and I found out when the baby was 2 months old (she is now 10 months). I am still in so much pain. He hid the whole thing from me as long as he could, because he knew this would be a dealbreaker for me, because I can’t have children myself. He says he wants to save the marriage, and I have been holding on. The affair partner is causing us endless trouble, however. She tells him she doesn’t want me near the baby, she calls him all the time about trivial things, and she tells people they’re still in a relationship. This is my husband’s only child, so he doesn’t want to rock the boat, but I feel like I’m facing a lifetime of this woman’s terrible behaviour. (Danni, via website comments)
A. I am afraid that everything you write is textbook. Your feelings of betrayal. The mistress trying to sabotage the marriage. Your husband caught like a rabbit in the headlights (and about to get run over any minute now). I write this to underline that you’re not being difficult, and your feelings are justified. The other woman is not being particularly evil and your husband is no more stupid than any other man (who is trying to digest the implications of his choices). The only way that you are going to find a way through this is with lots of support. I suggest couples counselling for you and your husband. If he won’t go – or drops out – have counselling yourself so you can decide if this situation is tolerable for you (or not)
You’re not alone - other readers experiences
“I’ve been there myself and the child (whom I’ve met and played with) is now of school age. It is so tough and a very lonely place I know. But I am so impressed that you have reached out for help so soon. I waited because I felt humiliated and a failure but things finally improved when I was able to confide in a couple of trusted and non-judgmental friends and when I started counselling too as this really helped me. I began to be able to understand why and how we had got into this mess and I am now a much stronger person and have reached a place where I no longer feel the pain of it all – although of course there are moments when I do. In fact, I can honestly say that this crisis has become a (totally!) unwanted opportunity to make important changes in my life which have benefited not only me but my family. But it does take a long, long time and these are such early days remember…you have made a great start by reaching out for help…”
“The other lady knew that my husband was a married man, as they are work colleagues, and yet continued to have an affair with him and proceeded to get pregnant – despite supposedly being on birth control. I highly suspect she did that to force his hand to leave me and to get him to marry her. I gave him the ultimatum that he either picks her and her unborn child or me and the kids. Either, or. No two ways about it. I know some may call me cruel for punishing an innocent child but me and my 3 kids are also innocent in this whole charade too. I don’t mind him having a relationship with the other child and I even suggested we adopt that baby – as I have a problem with the mother (OW/AP) but not the baby but she refused. I’ve made it clear he can always pick her and I will not deny him any relationship with the other kid once born but he just cannot he with me, with me by his side as his wife. This is because he mentioned he loves the OW as well. I have at one point given my consent for him to be with her when he confessed and during that point she was ecstatic that they will be a family. She rubbed it into my face then but eventually he dumped her and came back to me, supposedly because he loves me more than her. I think at the end of it all, it takes someone with a very big heart and loads of faith in God to do what is right in this messed up situation. I am just hoping I am a good Christian enough to weather it all.”
“I found out a few days ago that my husband has been having an affair and has a daughter with this other woman. He has been living 2 lives for 4 years. It hurts so much, my heart is saying ‘stay with him’ but my brain is telling me different. When I found out, he said that he was planning on leaving me because he has been unhappy for so long. But as soon as he said that, he felt something different. He is also very confused; he wanted to leave but has a feeling in his heart telling him to stay. He doesn’t know what it is and wants time apart (living a his parents) to figure things out. We have been together 19 years, high school sweet hearts. I can not stop thinking of this and its driving me crazy. I cry so much! We also have two children together.”
“Hi.. My partner had a one night stand in a lads weekend away, whilst I was pregnant with our child. 2years later I wasn’t aware until he called me and told me that he had a child from a one night stand.. this absolutely broke my heart, I thought I was the only one with his child, I thought it was special that I had his baby.
He asked what I wanted to do and my response was that at this moment I don’t want him or I to have anything to do with this child..BUT I asked him what do you want to do?
As much as it hurt me this was an innocent child at the end of the day…and I didn’t want to be the reason for him not to see it. However he chose not to have anything to do with it, he said it lives 6 hours away, he would hardly be able to see it often, so thinks it’s better he’s not in the child’s life at all. He also said that me and our child was his world and that he wanted nothing but us two.
Even now 5 years on, from when I found out, we’ve got married and had another baby but I still think about this other child that’s his and it still hurts me.
I wonder if ever this child will turn up at the door and what would be the best thing for me to do, I know he’s had no contact at all with them but I don’t feel ok with him meeting someone he cheated on me with, I know it’s been a long time but it still hurts me. Sometimes I wonder if he thinks about it. We don’t talk about it at all..”
The other woman’s experience
“I’m the mother of a four-year-old child with a married man. Of course, I did not know he was married at the time but we had been sleeping together almost 6 years when I found out I was pregnant. I came to him and told him I was pregnant and he very solemnly told me that was not part of the plan. I told him what do you mean not part of the plan. He told me I am married I’m having 11 year old daughter. I have no intentions of leaving my wife but I’ve fallen in love with you.
I asked him how could you not tell me you were married. I never would have been with you if if I knew you had been married. He said I’m sorry. By this time, I love him so much but I cannot think of the idea I have another woman sleeping with my boyfriend or sharing him with anyone – for that matter.
So when he went home, I called him up to end of the relationship. I told him I could not be part of a love triangle. He chose to stay with his wife for the sake of his daughter, so I broke up with him and stayed away from him for four years. He recently contacted me again. We begin sleeping together again but this time I’m so in love with him – even though I know he’s married now – I can’t control myself.
My son knows that he is his father but he has to call him by his first name to save the marriage. My lover tells me he loved me for many years. He cannot control his love for me any longer but his daughter can never find out that she has a brother. I don’t know what to do.”
“I began seeing a man who had told me he was divorced for 6 years with 2 daughters. We were not using any birth control (my mistake completely) and I ended up becoming pregnant. Shortly after (about 5 weeks in) my roommate found out about his wife and that he was still married. Oh he had been divorced six years, from his FIRST wife. I screenshot everything and texted him that he owed me an explanation.
The story turned to “We were separated, now she wants to work things out. I don’t know what to do.” Of course I advise him to tell her what is going on and beg that no matter what happens he won’t abandon our child. A week or so goes by and he informs me that he told her and he wants nothing to do with the child financially or otherwise. So I contact her hoping I can beg on my child’s behalf that we be civil. She had never heard of me before .He lied to me about telling her. I had blindsided her completely. So of course her natural reaction is that I’m a homewrecker who is being spiteful and just wants him to leave her and their child. I found out from her that he has ANOTHER child that he never sees (not from lack of trying according to him), that he had in high school. And she informed me they were never separated. He had lied about that too.
Her logic is “He has two child support, plus he’s taking care of our child and we have a mortgage and bills…what do YOU want. You want him.” As if I had any say in his lack of disclosure. She kept saying this was my fault and I ruined her daughter’s life. Knowing this guy’s MO I’m not sure hes telling her the full truth about his affair with me and his lack of truth with me. Or maybe she really is just using me as a scapegoat for her anger. He’s been so sick in all of this, even going as far as suggesting he hopes this baby doesn’t go to term. He also gave me chlamydia, suggesting he was cheating on his wife far longer than when he was with me. Thankfully this man is in the military and will be held financially responsible. I contacted his command after he just repeatedly kept lying -something I told him I’d never do, but I felt like I had no choice. I couldn’t trust him. He was livid.
Anyway, I’m thinking long term. My child is going to wonder who their father is. I’ve tried begging them both to keep in mind these kids are 100% innocent. His response was “Being involved with this baby isn’t conducive to my marriage.” Something I wish he would have considered before lying to me about his whole life. His excuse later was that he was scared I would “run for the hills” if I knew everything. Um, yah! I’m at a loss. A 32 year old man, a green beret no less…has no honor. I don’t know what to do.
I’m only 18 weeks along and part of me hopes he and his wife have a change of heart and realize this baby did nothing wrong. I’m 23, trying to finish college, and I feel like I was cheated of my choice to be part of this ridiculous and disgusting affair. I’m heartbroken because my naivety now leaves my child with a non existent father. How do I deal with this? After the courts deal with everything, I planned on offering him and his parents contact with the baby then leaving it at that. I feel like its useless. I find myself wondering for my baby’s sake if it’s better to know your deadbeat dad or not know him at all.”
“I am the “other woman” and my daughter is now 4. My child’s “father” will soon start paying court ordered child support since the DNA test has confirmed that he is the father. Let’s get one thing straight, I am NOT in love with my child’s father nor am I trying to take him away from his current family. So please don’t assume that the “other woman” is always in love with the married man and trying to steal him away. His wife can keep him! He was just a distraction for me and nothing more. My child’s father has a wife and three daughters (2 of whom are of adult age but who he still supports). Bottom line, I just want him to fulfill his legal financial obligations.
When he and I had our fling, he had told me that he had a vasectomy and that I could never get pregnant. I was naive and believed him because for 7 years I did not get pregnant. Well, the vasectomy was botched (if he even had one) and the DNA results tell the real whole story. My second point: I earn more money than he does. I’m not some Golddigger trying to cash in. This is HIS CHILD and he needs to contribute financially irrespective of the fact that I make more money than him… I am relieved that soon he will start paying up and that he did not ask for any visitation. Less drama this way!
My daughter will understand that it was not me necessarily keeping her from her father; besides that is not up to me. My daughter not seeing her father has more to do with HIM DENYING HER even after a DNA test. In all honesty, if my child’s father wanted to be involved in her life I would obviously not see that as a bad thing. However that will never happen since he has his own family to deal with now and getting their forgiveness should be his priority…
His wife (who he has been supporting for over 25 years) may need to get a job now to offset his added Child Support expense which is well over $1000 a month – not including arrears. When more than 3 months of arrears is owed, up to 55% of his check can be garnished and his passport and driver’s license can be taken away.
All this to say, stop judging the other woman!! Not all of us fall in love with these men. Women use men for sex too! And the best thing that came out of this was a beautiful child who I adore. I’ll be enough for her. She doesn’t need her father’s drama!”
What to do if you’re the man who had the affair and now has a child
Every part of this triangle is difficult. We have heard from the wife and the other woman, let’s look at the third part of the triangle.
A reader writes:
“I am in the same exact situation but I am the father. I am married, with my wife for 9 years, and have 20 months baby girl from an affair. My wife just found out the affair 3 months ago. My wife doesn’t want any contact with the mother nor support to the baby. She will ask for divorce if she finds out I still contact them. Like you said, I feel guilty if I just abandon them, but I also want to save my marriage. Do you have any suggestion what I should do?”
My reply:
There is only one solution: complete honesty. However my fear is that you’re going to try and fudge things and keep everybody happy (but the only way you can do that is by being economical with the truth). So starting with your wife, you tell her: I want to save my marriage and I know to do that I have to be honest with you. At the very least, by law, I have to financially provide for my child. In the long run, I need to have some contact too. However, I am aware that you’re still in shock about discovering the affair and you’re not strong enough to deal with me seeing the other woman. I will show you any text, email or other communication that I get – even if I know it will make you upset. I will not reply without discussing it with you first.
I expect your wife will get upset and threaten everything under the sun. Please acknowledge her pain and upset but stand firm – it is better than agreeing anything to keep her calm and going behind her back again. THAT WILL DEFINITELY END YOUR MARRIAGE. You will also need to tell the other woman what you’re doing – ie: staying with your wife, you’ll show her any emails but you want to see the child and offer support in the future – when the initial shock and hurt is a little less. Finally, go into couple counselling as this is extremely hard to do without help. You’ve also got to learn to say what you mean and stick to it – but I know this will be hard (because, like most men in your situation, you’ve spent so long pleasing other people.) Good luck.
Here is another man in the same situation
“I am a married man myself with 2 beautiful kids with her and she just found out that I have a child with this other lady whom also is my business partner. The child is now 3 years. This has broken my wife apart and I am so so responsible for the let down. I do not have any contact with the lady for the past 2 years apart from the day she requested money for school. I do not want any contact but unfortunately there is a child.
I’m torn apart because I love my wife. The only reason I kept this from her was merely because I did not want to hurt her but eventually she found out. She went through my phone while I was asleep and she found the latest conversation I had with the lady. As much as I feel destroyed, I know my wife is worse. I need help because she is the woman I love but now she left me and she is currently at her mother’s house.”
My advice:
Listen to your wife, without explaining – because it will be heard as justifying. Summarise what you heard, so she knows that you are taking in what she is saying. Be patient when she wants to go over the same material again. Remember it is far worse for her. You will need support and whereas normally your wife would be the place to go, she can’t help this time. So start seeing a therapist, so you can off load, understand where you went wrong and how to rebuild trust again.
Being the child of infidelity
The next view point comes from someone with a unique point of view and a message of hope.
A reader writes:
“I too have been in this situation for 6 years now (being the wife of a man who had an affair and a child). As I type this, my husbands child is in my kitchen eating dinner. I have been with my husband since we were 16 years old I am now 37. We have been married for 10 years. He had an affair with a coworker and conceived a child. We have three daughters together… he has no contact with the child’s mother, I handle everything. She and I communicate weekly.
It’s hard but I do what I got to do because I chose to stay with him, so it was only right that I accept his daughter and take care of her as my own. I was once a child of infidelity and didn’t meet my father until I was 35 years old. I know the pain and I wasn’t willing to take her through it – knowing how I felt growing up. I understand all your pain, but it will get better if you both work together to make the marriage work. Sending out hugs and blessings to you all.”
Summing up my five golden rules
- Give yourself time. This is a long term problem and it will take time to find a way through the minefield.
- Do as much listening as talking.
- Mourn the loss of your old life. It’s OK to be angry and thinking: what if… It’s part of coming to terms with what has happened.
- Get professional help. It is harder on your own.
- Keep going. Tomorrow will be better.
What next?
Find more advice in my books How Can I Ever Trust You Again? and My Husband Doesn’t Love Me and He’s Texting Someone Else.
Seven Things You Want To Say To Your Partner
How to tell your partner difficult things without ruining your day. Here are my seven things that you’re tempted to say, the underlying problems and the most constructive way to approach your partner with them.
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