Relationship Advice

My Partner Has No Time For Sex

How do I talk about it without causing a row?

There’s nothing worse than finding lovemaking is at the bottom of your partner’s list of priorities. It makes you feel undesirable, that your needs are not important and builds a wall between the two of you.

Most articles on this topic will tell you not to panic: it could be a phase (and all couples go through times when they are busy and not feeling sexy). They go on to talk about scheduling sex dates, aiming for quality over quantity, maintaining open communication about your needs and desires for intimacy.

All good advice, but if it was that easy – nobody would be having a problem.

Five reasons why you should be worried

Instead of dismissing your concerns, take them seriously:

There is something you’re not being told

We find it really hard to talk about sex. It is partly a hang up from our upbringing which treated sex as a dirty joke. But the main reason is that it is incredibly personal and reveals so much about us.

We are also aware that our partner is equally sensitive. So it is much easier to find an excuse rather than to talk openly about sexual problems (both personal and shared) and hope they will go away.

All too often there is unconscious contract: You both know there is something wrong but pretend the problem is a lack of time (and energy).

There is something you have been told but you’re not hearing

Sometimes one partner will speak up but is not believed – or only partially believed – and therefore the problem can be dismissed.

Is there something that your partner says and you response is ‘yes but…’ – because it is unreasonable, unfair or disagreeable? In effect, you are putting a set of brackets round your partner’s truth and focusing on your truth.

  • What would happen if you took every word your partner said as the truth?
  • How would that be?
  • What have you not TRULY heard?

Low and no-sex relationships are a ticking time bomb

Your relationship can survive periods where there is no sex (by which I mean no intercourse, oral sex or mutual masturbation) but it will be severely tested if there is no intimacy (by which I mean kissing, stroking, cuddling and sharing confidences).

There are relationships which have become no-sex relationships but these only work if both partners genuinely consent – not one person loses interest and feels that because the other partner has not kicked up much fuss recently DOES consent.

Hoping for the best is not a strategy

It is always important to check in with your partner, from time to time, and find out where they currently stand on the frequency, duration and type of sex they want. Start with what is working for you and what you like. This sets a positive tone.

If your partner says something hurtful – it can be hard – but take a deep breath and check back what you’ve heard: ‘I think you said….’ All too often, we hear OUR fears rather than what our partner actually SAID.

If you have heard them correctly, thank them for their honesty. At least the problem is out in the open. Give yourself time to process what you have heard before continuing the conversation. It might not look so bleak or upsetting.

Your sex life can be so much better (but it takes work)

I want to strike an optimistic note. I have worked with many couples who feared their differences were insurmountable. It is easy to be despondent or stigmatise the desires of the other person. However if you keep talking, there is nearly always a third way – not your way, not your partner’s way, not some straight down the middle compromise but a genuinely different path.

So don’t give up. Keep talking and listening. Get professional help to live in the in-between times (the space between the past which has stopped working and the unknown future).This is the work but it’s worth it. Something better is waiting for you.

How do I talk to my partner about sex without it causing a row?

The better you know someone, surely the easier it is to talk about sex? But, surprising as it may sound, the opposite is more likely to be true with your partner.

Many of the couples that I counsel are left guessing what each other likes or dislikes depending on a conversation they had fifteen years ago or more, when they first met. Over the years people’s needs and desires change, but your partner won’t know if you don’t share them. So here is how to update your sex-life for the people you are today.

  • Don’t talk about sex in the bedroom. Although your bedroom is a private space, it is too loaded for such an intimate topic. I recommend a long car journey alone together (as less eye contact can make talking easier) or over dinner (eating can cover potentially embarrassing silences or provide thinking time).
  • Concentrate on the positive. We all have insecurities, so even the most innocuous statements can be heard as criticism. So ‘start with an unambiguously positive statement: ‘I really enjoy our love-making’ or remember a particularly good occasion: ‘Do you remember that four-poster bed in Paris?’ and explain what you liked. Follow up with a question that invites your partner to think creatively: How can we build on that?
  • Avoid words that raise the stakes. As soon as you say ‘never’ or ‘always’, your partner will get defensive or find the one exception. Own your statements: ‘I feel’ instead of ‘You make me feel.’
  • Be specific as possible. Instead of saying ‘I’d like longer cuddles’ try saying ‘I’d like to cuddle for ten minutes’ or your partner could think you mean hours of foreplay. If your partner says something upsetting, ask him or her to explain, or ask a question. You might have jumped to the wrong conclusion.
  • Show rather than tell. A touch is worth a thousand words, so take your partner’s hand and put it where you’d like to be caressed, or use it to show when you prefer firmer or lighter pressure. When it feels good, let out a moan or a sigh so you’re giving positive reinforcement.

Great sex after fifty

No-one would deny sex is important to a meaningful life, but what that looks like changes as we age. In this first episode of my personal development podcast The Meaningful Life with Andrew G. Marshall, international sex therapist and Daily Mail columnist Tracey Cox discusses her new book Great Sex Starts at 50: How to Age-Proof Your Libido.

While wild, lustful sex can certainly be a unique and special life experience, the sex that brings us meaning is different. It’s the sex that lasts past the orgasm, to include that afterglow as you lie together or even just make each other a post-coital cup of tea. It’s about building a sexual relationship that is not solely focused on orgasm.

Trying new things is something the majority of couples never do – but it’s a simple recipe for exciting, meaningful sex, and Tracey and I have plenty of tips on where to start.

You can find out more about keeping sex great in a long-term relationship in my book Have the Sex You Want: A Couple’s Guide to Getting Back the Spark.

What's your love-making style?

Everybody has a preferred way of making love, understanding both yours and your partner’s will provide ideas for mixing things up in the bedroom. So take this simple test.

When it comes to the right ambience for love making, I would prefer:

  • a) Sex in a romantic context where my partner and I are feeling loving towards each other.
  • b) Sex in a setting close to nature – for example, a field of long grass or on a beach – assuming we were totally alone and could be sure of not being disturbed.
  • c) Sex in a dramatic setting – for example, a New Orleans brothel, a harem or a medieval dungeon.

When it comes to technique, I prefer:

  • a) My favourite position for intercourse: face-to-face with the one I love.
  • b) Slow and rhythmic movements which allow me to enjoy the shades of pleasure during intercourse.
  • c) A wide variety of positions for intercourse.

My ideal sex is:

  • a) An expression of love for my partner.
  • b) A trip into a world of sensory images and tingling nerve endings.
  • c) A drama that begins with attraction, develops a plot filled with intrigue, mystery and sex play and ends with a tumultuous orgasm.

I’m most likely to be in the mood for passionate sex when:

  • a) I’m feeling really loving towards my partner.
  • b) I’m physically relaxed and mentally receptive.
  • c) I’m feeling playful and adventurous.

When it comes to the perfect place for making love, I would choose:

  • a) Somewhere that has special meaning for me and my partner.
  • b) Somewhere that ensures total privacy.
  • c) A semi-public place to make secret love.

When it comes to foreplay, my first choice would be:

  • a) Kissing the face and the lips and the neck.
  • b) Anything where the pacing and repetition permits us to become absorbed into the moment.
  • c) Plenty of accomplished oral sex.

Understanding the results

Mostly a) – You enjoy Partner-Focused sex.

There is lots of affectionate sweet talk and intimate conversations before, during and after sex. You enjoy valentines, love songs, romance and closeness. This style is eyes open, lots of kissing, cuddling and full body contact. For you, sex is a loving merger.

Mostly b) – You enjoy Trance-style sex.

The focus is inward looking and centred on either giving or receiving pleasure, and you will often drift into your own private world. Sex is an altered state of consciousness with little talking and any fantasies are normally without a script but full of sensual images, colours and shapes. You like lots of patterned touching and a steady rhythm to help you sink further into the trance.

Mostly c) – You enjoy Creative sex.

The mood is playful, fun and dramatic with a whole range of practices to keep your sex life vital and adventurous. While for many couples fantasy is something only whispered (or more probably kept private), creative couples share and act out their desires which can include dressing up, role plays (like naughty school girl and teacher) props and toys.

How to use this questionnaire

  • Compare your preferred style with your partners.
  • If they are different, could you be generous and offer something that would increase their enjoyment?
  • Look at your own second style, would you like to develop these tastes further?

For those looking to explore further, I have a team of experienced sex therapy specialists that can provide counselling services.

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