Men's Retreats
What Happens on a Male Midlife Crisis Retreat?
And why you should think of going on one (or sending your husband)
Over the past years, I had been seeing fewer couples in my practice and my work had centred more and more on men who have felt lost and confused.
I had questions of my own about what it meant to cross the threshold of being sixty. What could I learn for my clients and myself from a men’s retreat? There was only one way to find out.
- By Andrew G. Marshall
- Men's Retreats
My own journey to my Men's Retreat
"Definitely helped me make leaps towards growing up." T. (39, Germany)
I have been on many retreats and courses over the last forty years but they have always been mixed – and often I would be the only man in the group.
Three years ago, when I signed up for my first men’s retreat, I gave little thought to what it would be like in an all-male group (and probably mostly heterosexual).
The retreat, at an eco centre on the Somerset Levels, offered rituals, poetry and the intriguing idea that in times of crisis men should come together and support each other (it took place in the aftermath of Covid.)
Over the past years, I had been seeing fewer couples in my practice and my work had centred more and more on men who have felt lost and confused. I had questions of my own about what it meant to cross the threshold of being sixty. What could I learn for my clients and myself from a men’s retreat? There was only one way to find out.
At the opening ceremony, I could not place the vague sense of unease in my stomach until one of the leaders read out a quote from the American author, mythologist and storyteller Michael Meade (who was an important figure in the Men’s Movement of the nineteen nineties).
“A man, at his first men’s gathering, asks himself two questions – is someone going to get killed? And will it be me?”
Of course, the police were not called to the Somerset Levels but what Meade meant and I had sensed: men are frightened of other men. On the first day, we did a workshop with wooden swords in which we had to place the tips on each other’s throats. The exercise was supposed to be about trust but I was straight back at my boys only school and being bullied again. I was both seven years old and my sixty-something self watching him.
What I discovered was how easily, as a child, I dissociated and disappeared into my own private world. As the workshop progressed, I saw how the other participant’s kept other men at arm’s length and the death of several egos – including my own (which had thought I was there more to steal ideas than for personal growth).
What are the psychological underpinnings of men’s retreats?
"Bringing together men from all walks of life and all corners of the world to explore what it means to be a man today in a safe, interactive and fun space." D. (52, Germany)
Many men’s retreats offer a physical challenge (and are led by ex-Special Forces or athletes) others are faith based or focus on mindfulness and well-being. There are fewer in the UK and Europe with a psychological underpinning – like the one I attended and the one I am leading this September in Germany.
The three main approaches – normally in combination – are:
- Psycho-dynamic
- Systems theory
- Jungian analysis
I talk about The Father Wound – the emotional and psychological pain caused by an absent, neglectful, dangerous or emotionally unavailable father. In the words of Jungian analyst and author James Hollis:
“Most men are under-fathered and over mothered.”
It leads to many men having mates to discuss football, to tease each other and drink beer – while outsourcing their emotional life to their wives, who often feel shut out or overburdened by being both personal counsellor and emotional punch bag (when repressed feelings leak out through moodiness and anger).
A men’s retreat, with the luxury of time and escaping the everyday, is a great opportunity to bond in a deeper way with other men and to reset the relationship with women to something less needy (and therefore truly connected).
Jung viewed mythology as profound expression of the collective unconscious – a shared pool of archetypes and images that are universal to humanity – and a tool for understanding the human condition. Men’s retreats draw on myths and legends and I use fairytales in my regular work with individuals and couples.
What happens at a Men’s Retreat?
"Opens vital new dimensions." H. (44, Germany)
At the heart of men’s work is the concept being initiated into manhood.
Most traditional societies have a rite of passage to take members of the tribe from boy to adult man but modern Western society has nothing – beyond perhaps the hollowed out ritual of fathers taking their sons, at eighteen, to the pub for their first legal pint.
Therefore, most psychological retreats will talk about initiation, what it means to be a man today and offer a ritual to recreate the lost traditional experience. I will be performing a male initiation ritual at my retreat in April 2026.
There is nearly always a fire – a good focal point for a ceremony – and I like to read a fairy tale round one. The original tales – that the Grimm Brothers collected at the beginning of the ninetieth century – were passed down from generations of storytellers round open fire and there is something potent about hearing them in their original setting.
My favourite tool at men’s retreats is the heart circle. We sit, as the name suggests, in a circle and share from the heart. The only person who can talk is the man holding the talisman – the others listen from the heart. When he is done, he passes on the talisman but I encourage participants to hold it for a bit longer and see if there is more in their heart.
Being able to stop and think, go deeper – without the fear of being interrupted – is very powerful. There is no crosstalk in the circle – commenting on other men’s share or giving advice – but it is possible to take up themes and share what resonated in your heart. This technique brings out a special kind of sharing and – just as important – listening.
Watch video: What happens at a Men’s Retreat?
"Opens vital new dimensions." H. (44, Germany)
What brings a man to a men’s retreat?
"A fantastic way to find yourself in midlife." R. (45, UK)
While women can’t imagine getting through life without the support of their girlfriends. most men feel, deep down, alone.
They have fewer friends, the bonds are weaker and they can go for months and years without talking or meeting up. So most men arrive at their first retreat with both fear and a inner loneliness which normally they often can’t quite articulate.
Many men book at retreat because of some sort of crisis. The old messages about being a man – be strong, be successful, don’t complain and get on with it – are no longer working. The old untreated wounds from childhood are hurting more and old ways of numbing out have stopped working, bring chaos or create new and worse problems.
Another common reason for attending a men’s retreat is being frightened of women’s anger and not knowing how to react: beyond going silent and retreating or getting defensive and going on the attack. A relationship crisis, like their partner saying I love you but I’m not in love with you – or threatening divorce can provide the impetus to discover another response.
Finally, men arrive looking for a new direction and time away from the everyday to take stock. I answer this need by doing a vision quest – this is a bit like Jung’s idea of Active Imagination. It is a way of accessing the unconscious and the parts of ourselves than know what is right for us. I think of it is a guided dream and it normally provides an image, an inner helpful figure or for the lucky ones a concrete path forward.
What are the goals of my male midlife crisis retreat?
"Enlightening to get in touch with my intuition." J. (38, UK)
After a retreat, a man will have a better understanding of himself and his potential.
Seeing other men close-up provides not just positive inspiration but – because it is easier to spot your own mistakes in someone else – a wake-up call for his own destructive behaviours that need to change.
Most importantly, other men will have gone from a threat or someone to compete against to a resource and a support.
What is the impact on the participant's relationships?
"I would recommend it to anybody looking to turn up more powerfully and consciously in their lives." S. (42, UK)
This is perhaps the most important benefit from attending a men’s retreat.
A properly initiated and grounded man – who feels other men have his back – sends off a completely different message to women. On an unconscious level, his partner can relax knowing he might still get overwhelmed but is unlikely to disappear into himself or his man cave for hours or even days. He will be available to talk after a reasonable amount of time to decompress.
Instead of women feeling that they are constantly walking on egg shells – for fear of activating an over-sensitive man – they can relax and speak about what is on their mind. They will receive an empathetic hearing – because if their partner can listen to his own feelings, he can listen to hers. He is no longer afraid of her emotions because he is not afraid of his own.
Like to find out more about my retreat?
"Reminded me that I am not alone." K. (50, Sweden)
My my next Men’s Retreat features a men’s initiation ceremony is in the woods just outside Berlin from Thursday 9th to Sunday 12th April 2025.
Andrew G Marshall.
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